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RonRaygunX3
01-28-2008, 03:23 AM
Flames of Revenge

Lost. Everything was lost. Lancelot stood, eyes saturated with tears as he looked horrified at the sight that lay before him. His boots sank down into the ashes as he stepped into what used to be his humble abode.

The sinister Team Magma had come. They had came and burned down everything Lancelot once had. You see, Lancelot is a boy of poor fortunes. As a child eight years of age, Lancelot's parents had abandoned him, leaving him to fend for himself. Lancelot had lived in this house for years now, and he was 14 years old.

Why did Team Magma do this? Three days ago, Lancelot had been foraging through the woods in search of food with his trusty friend Sandslash. Lancelot noticed smoke coming from the old lumber mill near his house. He went to see what was going on only to come face to face with Team Magma. He witnessed them burning down the lumber mill, along with several books that Lancelot had not been able to identify.

Lancelot had manage to escape, but Team Magma must have found out where he lives. They must have assumed Lancelot was still in the house when they burned it, therefor killing him and any evidence of the crime. They were wrong...

"Gone! It's all gone!", screamed Lancelot.

Sadness and blind fury swirled from the darkest parts of Lancelot's soul. He stood shaking with rage, his long dark hair fell upon his face as his head faced down. Down. Everything was going down now.

"Team Magma is going down", whispered Lancelot to himself.

"I will take them down if it costs me my life. They will not proceed to harm my land any longer."

Lancelot got onto his knees and sifted through the ruins that was once his bedroom.

"Thank god you're still here, Sandslash. I don't know what I would do if I lost you too", said Lancelot as he lifted up the dusty red Pokeball and put it into his front pocket.

Lancelot decided to set out into the forest in search of the hoodlums that did this. All he had was the clothes on his back and his loyal friend Sandslash so there was no reason to get ready for the journey. As he walked he noticed scars of the land that had been left by Team Magma; blackened trees, clouds of soot, ash scattered across what was once a forest full of life. With every step he took his desires for vengeance upon Team Magma grew.

Lancelot walked for several tireless hours until suddenly he started to see large plumes of smoke emerging from a near clearing in the woods.

"Could this be Team Magma?", Lancelot thought to himself. "I better go check it out"

Lancelot approached the source of the smoke until he was so close that smoke hazed his vision and breathing began difficult. Then he saw the eyes piercing through the smoke; he knew these eyes. They were the eyes of the one that he had seen burning the old lumber mill. Lancelot's heart released all of it's condensed rage as he realized now he could bring justice to the land.

"Go, Sandslash!", roared Lancelot.

Lancelot grabbed the Pokeball from his pocket then hurled it onto the soot covered ground. The Pokeball popped open and a flash of blue sparks came out. Then when the blue light cleared stood Sandslash, it's arms flexed out and its gut flexed out wide as if it were ready to take on the world. Lancelot waited for the smoke to clear to make his attack. Once all smoke was gone Lancelot stood alone in the forest.

"What!? Where did those Team Magma goons go!?" yelled Lancelot.

Suddenly a purple blur swooshed past Lancelot then perched atop an old stump.

"Hey, that's a Zubat! Maybe if I catch it it could aid us in our battle against Team Magma." said Lancelot.

His eyes blazed with the fury of battle.

"Sandslash, charge at Zubat with a Slash Attack!", yelled Lancelot.

The stout little shrew charged at Zubat then flung its sharp claws wildly at the Zubat. Before it could even hit Zubat, it had flown behind Sandslash and then hit him with a Wing Attack. Sandslash flew to the ground and winced in pain.

"Keep your head up, Sandslash! Go at Zubat with a Mud Slap attack!", ordered Lancelot.

Zubat flew towards Sandslash once more.

"Now is your time, Sandslash! Use Mudslap!", yelled Lancelot as he pointed anxiously at the small purple winged Pokemon.

Just before Zubat could attack Sandslash, Sandslash used its claws too fling a large amount of mud directly at Zubat. The weight must have been too much for the little bat to handle and it sank down as its wings were too heavy too fly.

"Now Sandslash, use Slash on Zubat!" roared Lancelot.

Sandslash lunged forwards, then began slashing wildly at the Zubat. Suddenly Zubat flew at Sandslash with all of its force like a tiny purple rocket. Sandslash took heavy damage and stumbled to get onto its feet. Zubat charged once more at Sandslash.

"Sandslash, grab Zubat when he charges you and use Seismic Toss!", commanded Lancelot.

Just as Zubat flew at Sandslash, Sandslash used its strong little paws to grab Zubat and begin swinging it with the momentum of Zubat's own attack. Sandslash then released and Zubat was sent plummeting into the ground. It lay motionless. Lancelot knew what he must do now.

Lancelot reached into his pocket and grabbed an empty Pokeball. He threw it at the injured Zubat.

The ball popped open and Zubat began to shrink into a soft blue light as it was sucked into the Pokeball.

The ball closed and began to wiggle once, twice...

Desired Pokemon: Zubat
Character Count: 5,371

Emily
01-28-2008, 10:39 PM
I'll be grading this.

Emily
01-31-2008, 04:44 AM
Eep, sorry for taking so long.

Plot: After his house gets burned down, Lancelot swears that he’ll take down Team Magma. After getting his Sandslash from the ruins of his house, he goes off to look for them. He sees some smoke, and when it clears, he finds a Zubat. He decides that he wants to capture it for helping his battle, and has a battle.

Your plot was quite compelling, and good enough for a simple mon. However, you may want to expand it a little more, as it seemed rather rushed.

Grammar/Spelling: Your spelling and grammar were pretty poor – perhaps you should get a spellchecker? I’ll list some of your mistakes and how to fix them below;

Lancelot had manage to escape, but Team Magma must have found out where he lives.

Manage should be managed, and lives should be lived. You should try to avoid tense changes.

They must have assumed Lancelot was still in the house when they burned it, therefor killing him and any evidence of the crime.

Therefore is spelled wrong. You want therefore.

"Gone! It's all gone!", screamed Lancelot.

If you have an exclamation mark or a question mark, you don’t need a comma. Also, commas go inside the quotations.

Lancelot got onto his knees and sifted through the ruins that was once his bedroom.

If there’s more than one ruin, the word you want is were.

Then he saw the eyes piercing through the smoke; he knew these eyes.

The semicolon should be a hyphen. Also, not related to grammar, but why would he see just the eyes and not the rest of the body?

Lancelot's heart released all of it's condensed rage as he realized now he could bring justice to the land.

It’s is a contraction of it is, it has or it was. Since the rage ‘belongs’ to the heart, you’d want its, as its is for a possession.

Suddenly a purple blur swooshed past Lancelot then perched atop an old stump.

Swooshed isn’t a word. You’d want swished, or whooshed.

Description/Detail: Your description was poor. You didn’t tell us a thing about what Lancelot (or anything else) looked like. In my mind, I imagined Lancelot as a knight in shining armour, because of the knight named Lancelot. You need to paint a picture in your mind of all of your characters and scenery, and then show us by typing it out.

Also, I noticed that you usually referred to Lancelot by name – it would be a good idea to refer to him with little descriptions, such as ‘the [insert adjective here] boy picked up the Pokeball’, rather than just ‘Lancelot picked up the Pokeball’. It adds more character to the story, and helps with showing us what the characters look like. Then again, it’s just a simple story, so it doesn’t detract from the story too much.

Length: You just capped the minimum. A good place to aim for would be the middle, but if you want to impress, go for the maximum or over.

Battle/Realism: This was the strongest part of your story. I liked the way Sandslash and Zubat both got equal hits in, although the way Zubat managed to fight back so well against Sandslash wasn’t entirely realistic. Your description here was the best in the whole story, and I could picture the attacks quite clearly. However, I must say that your battle could be a fair bit better if you integrated the surroundings into the battle. Perhaps Sandslash could dig a hole, or Zubat could be smacked into a tree? These things are quite important, and make a battle that much more fun.

Outcome: Well, if it was anything other than simple, I’d fail you, but since it is just that, Zubat captured! Have fun with your little bat. :)

RonRaygunX3
01-31-2008, 10:38 AM
Thanks for the grade, Cune. I'll be sure and try to add my descriptions to my next story. :D