View Full Version : Swinub Detention || Jr. Pwns

01-28-2008, 11:33 PM
Swinub Detention

“Wow, it’s cold!” said the little, short man, normally addressed as Mr. Wise. He was, like all people said, the wisest man around the streets. Although people said he was smart, wise, he was underestimated. This was because he was five. Five years old, yet the kid was a genius. No one knew how he was smart, as he was even smarter than his parents. Mr. Wise, or as his regular name is, Ronald, was a rather genius, and know, instead of Kindergarten, he was going to be in the First Grade. This was advanced for a Kindergartener. He didn’t know if he would do well, or bad. He just hoped he would make it, and be in the second grade next time.

Ronald was sure a handsome, well organized child. He had worn a nice smile all the time, with beautiful, brunette colored hair. His short look, giving him advantages in life, had a nice height and weight combination. His basic attire was orange, as it was his favorite color. He had wide eyes, which he had never liked, and small lips, as he was a small child. His bone structure was weak also, which you could see at first glance. He is all rather skinny, and doesn't look like he can carry too much. His hair is short, although he still has enough to comb.

“Mum, I think I’m smart enough to pack up my backpack. I mean, I’m advancing a grade. Now move over, I’m not going to need my own lunch. Big brother told me that lunch there will be at the cafeteria, so I don’t need one. Now, I’m off, and yes, I did wear clean underwear,” the kid had told his mother, slamming the door open and closed. He walked outside, into the cold, which he hated, as he started to walk to Oak Academy, the biggest school of Kanto, and the only one in Pallet. He smiled, while he walked some more, taking the fastest route possible from his house. It wasn’t too far, as Pallet was Ron’s home, he knew all of it.

He entered, taking off his smile as he saw all of the taller kids, and a few taller ones bullying the small ones. Little whispers from big kids came into Ronald’s head like “You’re next…” and “A new kid? Great! Some fresh meat.” Ron ran into the bathroom, or what he thought was a bathroom. It looked more like bully palace. Writing on the walls, and fifth and sixth graders walking around, all staring at Ron, who had the biggest look of scared in his face. He snuck himself into a stall, and had sat on the toilet that had been there. He waited for the steps to be gone, and for the others to leave. He then heard a whisper, which to Ronald’s though came from the stall to the right of him.

“Hello? Someone else got scared away from those older kids? Well, hi. I did too,” whispered the kid from the stall, who strange enough put his hand out to shake. Ronald did, and stood up on the toilet to see if the older kids had gone away. They did, so Ronald had gone out to open the other kid’s door, talking face to face. Shocked, the kid looked at Ronald. He was so small, and the kid, who looked like a fifth grader himself, was so tall. They both had shock in their faces, and a silent had come to the bathroom. The door had opened once more, breaking the silence, while the tall kid had pulled Ronald into the bathroom stall once more.

“Are you sure there were two kids here? It looks empty. Go check the stalls right there.” Ronald saw the fifth grader smile, and as he heard the words “Check the stall.” he had locked the stall he and the kid were in at the time. He pushed down the kid’s head, so that neither the heads of them nor the legs can be seen. He agreed with a nod, and the two had waited. The two kids, who as Ron saw now looked like three people, had been searching, trying to search the one Ron was in, but it was locked. The second one had tried, which didn’t open also. The third one tried, and it was, yet again, still not opening for them. They shrugged, and then left.

Ron took a while to wait after opening the stall door to get out, and off they went. While out of the stall, the two of them sneakily went out of the bathroom, where they didn’t see any other fifth or sixth grades, and nonetheless, any students out in the hallway. Ronald figured out a simple explanation to this all, class had started. What Ronald kept asking was, “Why didn’t the bell ring while they were in the bathroom?” It made no sense, usually there was a bell. The kid looked like he was still figuring out what Ronald had, and another silence came, as they were both still thinking. Ron, who had known what the other had been thinking about, took it farther, though.

“Well, school has started, well, I think so. And also, I’m Randy, I’m new here, and I don’t want to be late on the first day! Let’s run to class, I’m room 406. It’s in the fourth floor, I believe. We have to walk that far for it. So, let’s go!” the kid, who now obvious enough, was Randy said. He seemed rather slow in thinking, but while running, he was fast. By the end of his last sentence, he was running off to the stairs, while Ronald came slowly after. He was slow, as he hadn’t ran in Kindergarten much. Panting to catch up, passing the second and third floors, the last few steps were done. He had reached the top, and the two ran to the same classroom.

Randy had opened the door, and Ronald had passed him into the class room, where Mrs. Ketchum had seen the two. As she turned around from the marker board, she looked over at Ronald and Randy, who was now panting. She smiled, pointing to two desks, right next to each other, which were identical. Ronald sat on the left, and Randy had sat on the right. Ronald waited for the teacher to continue writing on the marker board, and she kept looking at the two, forcing the other classmates looking back at them. Ronald and Randy looked embarrassed, with all the classmates looking at them. He was in trouble on the first morning of school.

“Detention, both of you, I will expect Ronald here, and Randy, you will be with Mr. White in room 402. You have missed a lesson already, fractions. Mr. White is an expert on that Randy, so you will have no problem. As for you, Ronald, we will have a talk,” said the teacher, dismissing the rest of the kids out to recess. Randy went off to Mr. White’s class, who not at all looked excited to go. Mrs. Ketchum had walked over to Ronald’s desk. He had a big frown on his face, and it looked like it was going to get worse. Mrs. Ketchum unfortunately didn’t like the pause of no speaking, so she spoke up for herself to speak.

“Ronald, coming into First Grade is much more work than Kindergarten. You have detention already, and I wanted to speak about why. What happened? Fifth graders told me you were in the bathroom with Randy, and they said you were trying to hide from class. Is that correct, Ronald? Were you hiding? I will want the truth, Mr. Ronald, and if you were hiding from class, then that’s fine, I just want to ask why,” she said, and had taken a chair from another desk, looking at Ronald still. He had cleared his throat, and had begun to open his mouth, but words hadn’t come out of his mouth. He tried again, and this time it worked.

"Lies! Those fifth graders are liars! We were there because they were tempting to hit us! I was just saving Randy! I didn't want to come on the first day and get up beat up! Please, please, Mrs. Ketchum, I do not want detention, please. Randy doesn't deserve it also, so, can we be safe from it?" Ronald explained. Mrs. Ketchum looked at him, and went again to think about what to do with him. She walked around, and came back to the same position.

"Okay then, you're off the hook. But, you will also have to Mr. White. You missed our lesson, he will teach you. And no, he won't bully. Come on, there's a few minutes, and I heard you were a smart kid, so you can do it. And I expect you to think that Mr. White is a strange teacher, I know him well," said Mrs. Ketchum, looking at her watch. Ronald's smile had went to a frown, going out of the room. Strange teacher... thought Ronald, walking down the two rooms and into the one Mr. White had owned.

He was in, with Randy half asleep on the front desk, drooling on the paper he had written on. The teacher didn't look like it was there, but there was writing on the board, and more writing each second. Ronald looked at it, more writing coming up, he didn't know what it was. A voice was coming, but to Ronald, he didn't understand the slight voice he was hearing. Randy had heard the door open, and awoken, waving to Ronald as he cleared off some drool off his paper. He smiled back, looking at the board still, and listening to the soft voice. Ron gave a questioned look at Randy, but Randy shrugged it off, going back to his work. He stepped slowly, as he felt scared something would happen with the teacher or something.

"What's up with the writing, and then no teacher? Magic or something? Well, I know this! Number one is 1/4 and the second one is 2/18. Did the teacher say we have to do it in simplest form? Well, then it's 1/9. Simple. I'm going to do the next four, well, tell me if I'm wrong, if you know, Randy," said Ronald, puzzled, yet still knowing what he had been doing. Randy looked puzzled, and sneaked a look at Ronald's bad written answers, but Ronald blocked it from him, continuing to the next few written on the board. He continued, and waited for Randy to finish and learn from the writing on the board. It looked like Randy, at all, didn't know what he was doing.

A murmur was heard from the distance. It was from the desk, a sound which said, "Correct, that is right. Simplest form, yes." Ronald looked strangely down at the desk, with Randy standing close beside him. It wasn't a teacher, it was a Pokemon teaching all of it! A brown Pokemon was writing with a dry erase marker and a board eraser. Strange teacher... It was all coming back to Ronald. Ronald loved Swinub, a great Pokemon. He had an idea to do with Mr. White. He got a Pokeball from his pocket, his old Pokemon.

"Come on out... Pichu! Time to battle!" he had said, the red-and-white Pokeball, the device used into catching Pokemon, flashing out. A little gold colored mouse Pokemon had come out of the device Ronald had held and it came out looking gleeful. Ronald had a chance to catch the Swinub, and as he was a smart kid, he wasn't going to waste his time. He had time to attack first, "Come on out! Thundershock the teacher, NOW!" The Pokemon had been running cutely towards Swinub, time to attack the Pokemon with the force of his electricity.

Pichu had been running swiftly through the spacious classroom, and now going over to Mr. White, the Swinub. While coming up, he had danced around a little, and making a few funny faces, then running and sending out a bolt of electric waves flashing the room. The waves had hit the brick wall, and had went back down, ricocheting back to Pichu, hitting both of the two, Mr. White and Pichu, with waves of the electricity. Ronald heard Randy saying something around, "Ouch!" and Ronald and Mr. White looked weird with a slight face on them. Pichu was down, and Mr. White was still standing up like a teacher, even though electric attacks didn't do well against the Pokemon.

While it was Mr. White's turn to attack the opposing Pokemon, he was thinking slowly, yet hardly. Pichu had waited for more orders from Ronald, his rightful owner also, and so had Mr. White, looking dumb. Standing at a position a distance away from Pichu, he had hurled out several pieces of dirty mud to Pichu's face. The attack, Mud-Slap, had hit Pichu, who had been slow in thinking of dodging the muddy attack. The attack, which had been close to missing the little electric mouse, worked. From the hit of the ricochets, and now this, Pichu was still down on the ground, hurt. It got back up in a moment of four quick seconds, and now it was his turn to hit back the Swinub with a ravishing attack.

Pichu's turn once more. The little Pokemon, walking around happily was awaiting orders from his owner. While Ronald was thinking, the Swinub could've attacked him in a surprise. But no, it hadn't. The Pokemon was still awaiting, like a good Pokemon would do, while Ronald had time to shout an attack out. "Thunder Wave, Pichu!" While Pichu heard this in its ear, it walked around gleefully once more, ready to strike another attack to the Swinub.

The Pokemon made his attack a go. A peculiar wave of thunder, much like the previous wave, had been smaller. Although it was smaller, it had hit Swinub, while the Swinub was being shocked. The Pokemon looked paralyzed, and trying to use his attack, he got shocked even harder. Spinning and spinning, the Pokemon had fallen down. It was down, but was it enough for the capture? Ron stared at the Pokemon carefully, to see if he could attempt to. He thought for a while, Pichu still looking as happy as it could ever be.

A foolish kid in battling, Ronald was. In two, short hits, was he too confident in getting this? He threw a flashing Pokeball, having a small grip on it, as strange as it was, attempting a capture for. Randy had a face of shock, lighting up the room, he knew Ronald was being stupid. The Pokeball had reached Swinub, flashing, sucking the Pokemon into the flash of white and into the ball machine. One... Ding, ding, ding. Two... Ding, ding, ding. Capture?

01-30-2008, 10:30 PM

Characters: 10,597
For: Swinub

Bad, I know...

The Jr Trainer
01-30-2008, 10:31 PM
I will grade this! D:

This was pretty basic, but it was a nice spin from the what I thought it was going to be, just “boys find Pokemon, battles it tries to capture it,” thing. This was a bit of a spin. But was a little bit too basic for the medium Pokemon. But with good grammar/detail/battle it wouldn’t be a problem.

If you’re going to have a basic plot add something to it, make it stronger, and stick out. Have it be fun to read, not just so flat as this was. Subplot, twists, turns anything to flush out the story and make it more interesting would help any plot. Even the best of plots need something to support and hold them up. A flat story is a dull story, dullness makes things boring. Boring stories, and believe me, are not fun to read. Like I said, something to spice this plot up a bit would help a ton, make it more fun to read. Reach deep into your imagination and pick something out that would make this funny/sad/angering, something. D:

This was a bit to basic, add something to it and it will be fine for your next stories. ^^

There was a bit of this. You told me what the main character was like, just not exactly what he looked like. You should say something about what the character(s) look like. Not just what they do and act like.

Who - What - Where - When - Why - How

Aka, five W’s and the one H. :P

Who: who is it about, what are they? What do they look like?
What: what is going on? What’s going to happen? (don’t just say it, give context clues)
Where: setting, where are they?
When: what time period. <-- not mandatory, but it does help in some situations.
Why: why does this happen? Explain what happens
How: how did it happen? Things just don’t magically explode.

You had some of these, but now all of them. Make sure you have all of them. Like I said where isn’t necessary, but at times it can help.

A few mistakes here, nothing really big. :P

where they didn’t see any other fifth or sixth grades,
Should be ‘graders’ not ‘grades.’

“You’re next…” and “A new kid? Great! Some fresh meat.” After the ‘and’ there should be a comma (,). When you are still in a sentence and you are going to use dialogue you want to put a comma after the word that is before the quotation mark.

Ding ding ding
After each ‘ding’ there should be a comma.

This was a bit on the low side, make sure you add more detail, and flush out the plot so you can reach a good amount of characters. Aiming for the middle is a good place to start. ^^

There was really, none of this. It is what make the story pop out at the readers, make sure you get explain what something feels like, smells like, looks like. Everything needs to be described (well, not everything, but you get it). Make the reader see what you're talking about, you aren't the only person that needs to know what the things in your story look like, others do too. We may think Ron is wearing blue, but you may think he is wearing pink. May he is really wearing silver. Add some more detail for sure.

Say, like, what did the toilet sits look like? Where they clean and shiny or rusted and old? Even the smallest detail can help the readers picture what something will look like. Make sure you improve on this, since without detail your stories will pretty much fail. :x

Make improvements here, for sure.

There wasn’t really much of this. You need to have at least, say five or so turns in a battle. Less game boy style too. You said “waited for Swinub to attack. The Pokemon don’t have to wait to attack. They can just keep on rumbling along as the other struggles to survive. A bit mean it may sound, but it’s the way you need to go. ^^

Making a battle detailed and two sided it also important. By two sided I mean let both Pokemon get in a few attacks. This battle seemed to be pointed towards Swinub, but Ronald just throws the Pokeball anyways. Make sure you have the Pokemon attack twice at the least. This battle only had the Pokemon attacking once I believe

Final Outcome:
This story was lacking detail and a good battle - Swinub not captured! Sorry to say, but add some detail and a few turns to the battle and you’ll get this little puppy.

PM/IM me for a re-grade.

The Jr Trainer
01-31-2008, 02:57 AM
To all those people: I know. I'm double posting. Deal with it. :tongue3:

You have added a good amount of detail. I can see more of the story, the length is about 3k longer, which is another plus. And not to mention the battle is now longer. Make sure all your stories start like this, as I don't think every single grader is going to have you add more and them have them re-grade it. Good job, you deserve the little pig thing... now. :P

Swinub captured!!! Have fun with it. (though I think you're trading it away)

And yes, I do pwn. :tongue3:

01-31-2008, 03:05 AM
Thanks! I loved the grade, it was, in fact well informing me of what happened wrong. I'm glad to have done it the second time around, and will use the tips I have learned. I will try my best in my future stories, like the one I'm writing right now. Thanks, as if I haven't said it during IM and here, so, thanks so much! Yes, you do pwn.