PDA

View Full Version : Fishing Trouble || Jr. Still Pwns


RawrIsMyMiddleName
01-29-2008, 03:57 AM
Fishing Trouble
A story about Michael, for Michael. D:

The small, seahorse Pokémon played around in the sea. It was a rather playful Pokémon, all of the people in the sea were sure of that. But this Pokémon could get annoying also. It had asked everyone to play with her all the time, which the people of the sea had always said yes. This Horsea had played with just about all of the sea Pokémon in Hoenn, and by now, people didn’t want to play with her anymore, they just wanted her to stop! But what were the sea Pokémon of Horsea going to have to do to make this Horsea stop doing all of this? No one had an idea of what to do. Horsea, herself, just had to stop.

“Time to go in the little den, Horsea, stop playing and get inside. I also see you found another Pokémon friend, am I right? Well, get inside, time to eat,” said Horsea’s mother one day, while Horsea whined and looked like she was going to cry. This had worked a lot; Horsea’s mother couldn’t stand seeing her little baby cry. Horsea made a tantrum in the water, hitting the sand from the bottom on hitting her new friend, who was apparently a Tentacool. The tantrum went on, pounding and pounding, splashing water at Horsea’s mother, which at all didn’t hurt, as the Kingdra was a water Pokémon as well. She cried and cried, which made the mom pull her in the den.

The Tentacool left, and gave out a little giggle on the way out. Horsea was in the house now, apparently, crying, which was strange as they were in the water. Kingdra, the mother, as well as his Kingdra father were inside the den. She ran to the little spot she slept in, and laid down there, waiting for her parents to tell her something. Like most things, Horsea had regularly done stuff like that. She waited, while her parents talked things over. After the whispering, the two parents still hadn’t replied. She waited some more, but still didn’t hear anything. She waited and waited, and her parents came swimming over to her.

“Look, Horsea, when we want you to do something, we want you to do it, okay? I don’t want tantrums anymore, you do them too much. Now, when you have a new friend or have older friends coming her, and mom or I tell you to do something, do it. Okay, this is settled? And I know how much you hate getting grounded; so for now, I will get you off the hook. She smiled and swam in glee around the den, while the parents stared at her. She smiled and smiled, and the parents went to their own little spot to sleep in. She continued on, and then went back to her little room for that night to sleep. A normal day in the seahorse family was like that, usually.

***

A man was fishing around like he would do every Sunday, and he waited for a catch. Now, he didn’t expect to catch one for the winter, but he still loved to fish. He loved to do it, and it kept getting more and more Pokémon under his belt. He had several Magikarp, Tentacool, and a lot of other water Pokémon. He still didn’t get what he wanted all along though, the seahorse Pokémon, Horsea. He had been out for one ever since his parents each caught one. Getting a Kingdra would be his dream. The seahorse Pokémon was his favorite, and with all of his current electric and grass Pokémon, getting a water Pokémon would be easy.

The man was a tall man, and a brown haired person. He wore a smile, and his face was round-shaped. His shirt was black all the time, and his pants were skinny jeans. A bad attire for fishing, he knew, but he liked to wear it. His face also had brown eyes, which shined through night. He also wore big lips, which he hated himself. He was the cocky kind, and thought he could get any girl he walks through. He was also a trend setter, which he likes to boast about also.

“Chris, get me some more bait. I’m running out of fake Caterpie, and get the Weedle this time, it seems I get more Pokémon with them,” said the man who had his rod in his hand, while eating a turkey sandwich he had prepared. Chris, his little brother and partner, had followed directions, like he had always done. He gave more bait, and the man, Michael had eaten more of his sandwich, getting another bite of food. He waited for a catch, while he set out two more rods. He hadn’t gotten catches the past few weeks, and he had wondered why. He got a lot of catches the weeks before, something had changed in the sea.

He had waited, and he was getting tired. He was bored; he didn’t have fun while there was no Pokémon around. He wanted to get to the bottom of all of this, so he decided to just see. But how was he going to see? Was he going to jump into the sea, where there was a chance of being eaten by a Sharpedo, or perhaps a Gyarados? He didn’t want to be eaten, but he still also wanted a Horsea to capture for his Pokémon team. He thought for a moment, and wondered what he could do. He was waiting for his brother to get a little more bait, while he set up more fishing rods into the boat, waiting for a Horsea, which was unlikely.

“Wait, Chris. I don’t think we’re going to get a catch. I think I’m going to have to see why. If there’s a tug on the rod, it’ll be me, because I will need help getting up. For now, I’m going down to the sea to find out. Yes, I know, I will be careful, and I will make it. If not, send Starmie down to help me. I’ll be back when I found out,” said Michael, taking off his fishing suit into his bathing suit. He was just about to dive. As much as he would regret it in the end, he could probably get a Horsea.

He dived into the sea, and was swimming about in the sea. He couldn’t see well in the sand water, and it hurt his eyes, but he still attempted. He had forgotten he had no goggles, and no snorkel, but if it was minor he could find it. He would get a Horsea, oh how excited was he. He couldn’t see too many Pokémon, but he could occasionally see some Pokémon, but all the Magikarp was there. He could see a few Pokémon, but one he couldn’t see was Horsea. Had he gone too far? Did he have to swim even farther? He wanted to know, as he was swimming through, keeping his breath held. He could do well with breathing in the water.

***

Another morning has passed in the Seahorse family, and Horsea went out that morning to play. From the trouble she went through yesterday, she didn't want to bring another friend, so she can come in when her mom tells her to with ease. She smiled, as she went through, with herself. She played with a little Magikarp, which broke her promise to herself, but she wanted to have fun. She played with the Magikarp, and then, her mother came out. She spoke up.

"Come in now. It's time again, please do not make a tantrum," she told her, staring and waiting for an answer. Horsea continued, she just loved to play so much. She kept swimming around, and her mother's face had turned stern. She waited a few more seconds, then like the day before, pulling her in. Horsea didn't have time to do a tantrum outside, so on her way in, she started pounding the walls on the house, and screaming, "NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO IN! I WANT TO PLAY!" She was shouting, making the sand below rumble.

"Look, haven't we told you this? NO MORE TANTRUMS! You are grounded, miss. You cannot go outside today, I hate to say so, but it's well deserved. Mother and I will go out today, and you have to stay. You got it? No more tantrums, and this means ever. NO. MORE. TANTRUMS. Is that clear?" her father told him, then closing the small door in the den. She cried to herself, but like she did, the parents ignored her. She tried going louder, and the parents still ignored. She was then alone, as her parents had gone outside.

"Um, hon, well, we need to stop this. I think we should let her go, like all of the Horsea do in her age. She should learn how to deal with life alone, and if she gets captured, she could always learn how to battle and come into a Kingdra. We both know Kingdra are strong, so it's worth a shot," the mother said, waiting for another reply. Her mother and father thought about it, going on and on for a while. It then came to a conclusion, where both of the two Pokemon had agreed of what to do with the little, stubborn Horsea. They didn't think it was too bad, but now, it was one of the only things to do.

While going inside the house, the two then thought about it once more. Yes, it was the right thing to do. They went inside, listening to the Horsea not crying anymore, just swimming about. They looked at each other, than to the little Horsea, who hadn't noticed until her father had coughed. She then looked at them, the mom then pointing the father as to him being the one to explain all of it. He cleared his throat, then after a little seconds, he started to talk.

"Horsea, this is the time. You are old enough, and I know you're one year old, but still, we need you to go on your on. You'll be learning a lesson, and it's better, if you are a Pokemon owned by a trainer, you can be a stronger Pokemon. You will be packing today, and tomorrow night you will be leaving. We're sad to do this, but you're going to have to leave," he said, finally brave enough to tell her. She nodded, then went to her den. She grabbed things she needed, but Pokemon didn't need stuff like humans did, she didn't need clothes or food. One things important she brought was a picture of her with her eldest brother, and her parents. She took it with her, and for the last time, slept in her little bed.

***

Michael began swimming, coming up for bits of air at a time. By now, he hadn't seen his brother Christopher nor his boat, but he could see a bit, where he could see a Magikarp, or a red fish Pokemon. He saw more coming, and went down again. He could see great now, and could see more Pokemon. A few Tentacool, lots of Magikarp, some Staryu, but then again, there were no Horsea in sight. He went up for more air, and still, couldn't see the boat nor Chris. He went back down, saw more of the Pokemon he had seen, and went back down. Nothing. He couldn't find Horsea, although he wanted one so bad. He was going to be lucky once Horsea is out on her own, though.

***

Another morning passing, and Horsea had gone out of her house now. She had her picture only, and then was outside now. She was quite scared, but she still wanted to do this. She went hiding as she saw a Magikarp, although she could've known that a Magikarp was nothing scary. She smiled at it, now knowing it was the one she had played with earlier, and then went on her way again. She was swimming around, and moving around. She wanted to get captured to train, but then again he wanted to be safe the whole time. She decided in her mind, upon hitting a Staryu.

"Hi there, Horsea. So, what are you doing? I got to leave home tonight! Now, I can train, and you? Going out for another play? I bet you leave home also," the Staryu, a friend of Horsea had told her. She was grinning, hoping Horsea had gone out also, so they could go together. As peppy as the Staryu was, she was also a very good Pokemon, and was much stronger than Horsea had been. She nodded, which didn't look like Staryu was expecting a nod, more like a reply. So, Horsea looked at her, and began to talk.

"Well, yeah I am too. I need to learn how to battle. You too, I see. Well, I need some practice, wanna go for one? Well, I'm not too much of a great battle, but I'm up for it. If you want to, I will too," said Horsea, who saw Staryu smiling. She had pointed to the other side of the sea, where Horsea lined up at the other. Staryu was on one, smiled, and gave a note of approval, while Horsea started to talk.

"Staryu, we're going to battle now! Just don't hurt me too much, as I won't always. Let's start this! I'm going first," said Horsea, who was beginning to get pumped up. She jumped up and down, smiling, looking at Staryu. It had looked like Staryu was doing the same thing, both of them thought it was time to battle. Horsea looked at her one time, then ready to attack. She listed the attacks she knew in her head and then thought of one.

She ran up, bringing water into her. She released the chain of water, spiraling in the spring water as in a race to see which water would get there first. While that was happening, Horsea had watched the water spring over to the little Staryu, who was in desperate need to dodge. Staryu had dodged at a second, hitting only the left of her. She had missed the other part of the Brine, while she got lucky. It was time for her to attack.

She had tried to know her own moves, while knowing she knew Rapid Spin. It would be a great one washing the waters of Brine away, but she was too late. She had forgotten the idea, and had thought of another one. Her mind was racing, while it looked as Horsea was waiting. Her mind was racing, time to do one. Then, Horsea had seen small pieces of water bubbles coming out of Staryu's mouth. The bubbles had come slowly to Horsea, but she didn't have enough time to hit. Both of the two Pokemon were hit, but water didn't do well against other water Pokemon.

Horsea had been hit, and so had Staryu. The Pokemon had looked at each other, while Horsea was attempting to think of a move. Horsea whipped up an attack, coming out with a strange twist of wind into the water. The vicious twister had come to Staryu with massive attack, a strong attack. The Staryu had been down, the twisted still spinning amongst Staryu being down on the floor, getting torn more. Horsea had done a well job, but Horsea hadn't done it for the kill.

***

Meanwhile, Michael had been swimming still. He couldn't find Christopher, his brother, or the boat anymore, he was far from it. While up for air, he had seen more Pokemon the time before, but still, there was no Horsea around. Where had it been? But the thing he didn't know, she was off by herself, in a battle with another Pokemon friend. He didn't know it was also the only Horsea in the sea at the time. But what happened to the other Horsea?

He still needed to know where the only Horsea was. Heck, he needed to know there was only one Horsea. He had continued swimming, and with his time of breaths, kept thinking. Keeping on and on, he swam around. The Horsea was somewhere there, but where? He needed to know the smaller bits of the puzzle, he wasn't clever enough to get to the end of this mystery. There was no source of why there was only Horsea there, so how was he supposed to know?

Swimming more and more, he had to learn what had happened. Sooner or later, he just had to know, if he wanted the Horsea as much as he wanted to. This seahorse Pokemon was going to be his, for sure, but he just had to complete a few things first. Will this Pokemon do something wrong or get something happened before Michael could solve it? He wanted a Horsea, and risking drowning or something for it was going to all be worth it when he has his Horsea.

***

The battle was on. Dragon Pulse, Brine, and Twisters had come from Horsea, while a lot of Power Gem, Bubblebeam, and Swift had come from Staryu. The battle had been heating up, and Horsea, in her first battle, was getting tired. She could fall down, but she didn't want to lose her first battle, she knew her father wanted her to be a strong Pokemon. She had to go and make the Staryu faint, for her mother. It was the reason why she left.

Another Twiser, hopefully for the end of the battle to come. Once again, a vicious twist of spiraling wind came blasting out towards Staryu, which it had been attempting to dodge. Its swift move took a while to come, much slower than the past few ones, but a good Twister nonetheless. The Staryu had come down, but was it over? Horsea gave her a few seconds, and after a while, she claimed to win. The Staryu had fought well, for sure.

And then a surprise came. It looked like Staryu did do well. It was flashing, and flashing, and while it was the figure had transformed the starfish into a bigger one. Minutes after flashing, it had turned purple, with a beautiful red core in the middle. Staryu, or Starmie as it was now, had evolved. It had fought well, and Horsea did too, so why wasn't Horsea turning into a beautiful Pokemon, a Seadra?

Horsea, winner of the battle had gone. She had won her first battle, and a friend, Starmie had evolved. Horsea was happy for the other Pokemon, but she wanted to be a Seadra. She still swam happily, off to find a trainer. As much as she liked battling, she also needed to get better. She had made up her mind. She was going to be captured, and learn how to do better attacks, learn even more, and turn into a Seadra. But where are trainers when she needed it? She kept in mind that all of the other Horsea had been on the far, far side of the sea, and she was the only one in her side. People liked Horsea, she hoped, so the people could all go for her. She needed a trainer.

***

It now looked like they were meant for each other. While Horsea wanted a Pokemon Trainer, Michael needed a Pokemon. Michael was swimming now, through the waters, and to the end of the other shore, he noticed he was at Slateport. He was far from it earlier, and he didn't know how he got there. He got onto the shore, amongst the others, and had left Christopher. How would he contact him? He had no phone, he didn't want to risk it getting wet. He needed to borrow someone's cellphone. He needed to get the boat back.

He went over to a woman, watching her children put on sun lotion. She went over to her, disturbing her watching her kids. She was smiling at Michael, and she awaited the question Michael needed to ask. Michael had spoke up and began talking to her again.

"Hello there, do you have a cellphone? I need to call my brother, you see, I had messed up in a swimming trip and need to call the boat we had back," said Michael, awaiting for approval of the woman and the receiving of a cellphone. He had reached out to the cellular device the woman had, then typing out his own number to get Christopher on the line. While he waited, he gave the woman a slight thumbs up.

The phone operated, "Hello, the number you have tried to reach is not answering. Please click '1' to redial, '2' to go back to the previous window, and '3' to send a voice mail," said the phone, while Michael had given the phone back. He sat down on the sand, wondering what to do. Dang! Dang... he was thinking. He didn't know what to do, he kept his hopes off of finding a Horsea, and wanting to find his brother.

RawrIsMyMiddleName
02-02-2008, 02:04 AM
Horsea had finished off another battle. She had won three, and lost one, but still, had not evolved. She was bored, and wanted to go around more. While she was swimming about, she had reached the story. Looking for another challenger in the shore, she hadn't found one. She had stepped up to the shore, noticing that a lot of people had been at shore of Slateport, and she could find a trainer quickly. She had gone up to the shore, looking at all the people there.

She had seen Michael, who had looked at her. She smiled as it came passed her and shouting, "YES! A Horsea! I can battle it and capture it!" Michael was coming over, excited, as Horsea was also. He looked at her, grabbed a Pokeball from his pocket, and had sent it out. Flashing out from the red-and-white ball device, a green Pokemon had come out. Out was the cute, green Pokemon, who had been a Bulbasaur. This, in fact, was a great Pokemon, and just so happened to be Michael's first.

Horsea was prepared. Upon seeing the Pokemon out of the Pokeball, it had been ready to attack. And it had. Flushing from behind her, the waters had been thrown at the little grass dinosaur Pokemon. The huge waves, a Brine attack, had been thrown, releasing the fury of the water, hitting the Pokemon, and getting water in its eyes. Upon recovering from not seeing, the Horsea had thrown another attack. One of her favorites, a furious wave of twists of winds coming at Bulbasaur. Getting its sight finally back, the Pokemon had fallen.

The Pokemon wasn't going down like that. Even without Michael telling, he had to fight back. Coming upon the cute, little bulb on its back, a green, leaf colored vine came upon the bulb of the Pokemon. Having two come out, one was whipping Horsea in the face, the other knocking the poor Pokemon off the ground. The Pokemon's face, on the ground, was full of sand. Coming up, the sandiest face ever, the Pokemon had swished them away with a turn, getting on Michael. He grunted, while Horsea came out for another attack.

All of a sudden, a puff of smoke came out from the little seahorse Pokemon. Michael covering his eyes, and Bulbasaur not thinking what was happening, had been caught up in the smoke. The beach had screams coming from all over, Michael also shouting, and Horsea seeing all of the things amongst the shouts and people. Horsea had all of the people not looking, and with seeing Bulbasaur's bulb in all of the smoke, it unleashed an attack. Coming from its mouth, small bubbles came out. The bubbles hit the poor, non-seeing Pokemon, knocking it down again.

By then, the smoke had cleared. The people could see, and so could Michael. He saw Bulbasaur on the ground, coming up from the bubbled attack. "Razor Leaf, now!" Bulbasaur had heard Michael scream. At the time of hearing it, Horsea was attempting to hit once more, but Bulbasaur looked like it wouldn't allow the attack.

Leaves coming out of the bulb again, the razor sharp leaves had gone over to Horsea, cutting the poor Pokemon's small fin. The fin was not cut through the whole way, and the Pokemon gave out a screech. Horsea, once again getting down on the floor, had been whimpering around. Bulbasaur came out once more, with another attack. Out came bombs of little seeds, Seed Bomb, hitting the Pokemon. While the Pokemon whimpered more, Michael considered himself successful. To finish off the battle, he had taken out a ball shaped device in his hand.

He had thrown it, time to catch it...

RawrIsMyMiddleName
02-02-2008, 02:05 AM
Like, dudes, I'm ready to grade. Like, thanks, Jr.

The Jr Trainer
02-02-2008, 02:06 AM
I was like, bribed to grade this... o_O

RawrIsMyMiddleName
02-02-2008, 02:09 AM
I was like, bribed to grade this... o_O

Get used to it.

The Jr Trainer
02-02-2008, 03:32 AM
Get used to it.

No thanks. D:

Plot/Story:
This was a pretty original plot. Quite a few turns. I liked how you gave it two aspects; one through human eyes and one through Pokemon, or Horsea’s eyes. It gave the story a nice extension from the usually one viewed stories. Making Michael looking for the Horsea while Horsea went around the sea looking for a trainer; both wanted the same thing but couldn’t find it. It gave little clues (or maybe rather big ones ;P) on what was going to happen. It gave the story a sense of suspense, making me want to read more if they actually did met up and battle or not.

More ideas like this would really help in the future. The more original plot and story the better. Make everyone that reads the story get a feel for it and have fun reading it (or a feel of sadness, or whatever the story is supposed to be like…). Something to hook the reader on helps too. A boring unoriginal plot make the story bland and un-wanting. Keep up the good work here. Keep those ideas pumping out of your head. ^^

Introduction:
This was pretty good. You said who there was, where they were and what they were doing/going to do. Though, more of a hook would really help, something more in the beginning of the story to help the reader get into the story. Maybe something interesting in italics, they stick out and could help the reader.

Make the reader(s) go, “oh, this looks interesting. I want to read it!” without that it doesn’t give the story a sense of surprise/suspense, or anything really. Having someone want to read it (not forced xP) is the best thing to have. ^^

Grammar:
This was good overall. ^^ A few things I’d like to point out.

“Look, Horsea, when we want you to do something, we want you to do it, okay? I don’t want tantrums anymore, you do them too much. Now, when you have a new friend or have older friends coming her, and mom or I tell you to do something, do it. Okay, this is settled? And I know how much you hate getting grounded; so for now, I will get you off the hook. She smiled and swam in glee around the den,

You forgot the ending quotation mark here. Sometimes with long quotes this happens, make sure you don’t forget about it too much. At times it makes the story confusing, especially in big paragraphs.

"Um, hon, well, we need to stop this.

I’m pretty sure ‘hon’ should be ‘hun,’ unless you don’t live in the US. O.o Or you were meaning something completely different. xD

Length:
This was fine. But for other stories make sure you lengthen things up a bit. Aim for the middle of the given length not just barely getting over the tip.

Detail:
This was only so-so. You want to describe everything. I told you in the last story of yours that you needed to up in this section, and you definitely did. But some things were left un-talked-about. As in, Kingdra. No description was given about it. You need to say what it looked like, being a relative of Horsea isn’t enough, is a Kingdra blue, purple, yellow, rainbow? What color, think of the reader not knowing about Pokemon and its entirety. Explain to the young souls that don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. XP

Anything, even the small roles in the story, like Staryu and those smaller roles. Besides it obviously being a star, what color, did it have anything on its body. You described Starmie, but not Staryu. A little odd sometimes, but I guess the pre-evolution would look like the evolution. Just make sure to describe the smaller roles in the future, not just the big main stars. :P

Battle:
The battle was a bit on the shorter end. It was pretty well described and wasn’t the usually game boy style battle that we usually see. :P Which is good, the longer it is the better though, more attack would flesh it out, too. Even more detail, though you had a good amount of that already. The battle is hard to critize on this since this one was pretty good.

Making it more two sided also helps. Maybe the Pokemon that is thrown against the wild Pokemon isn’t strong enough, in that case they trainer has to use another Pokemon. Something like that always adds a good spin on things. ^^

Final Outcome:
This was pretty borderline, but the good grammar and plot mad this a good story. Add more detail and a bit more battle, and you’ll be good to go for the rest of your stories - Horsea captured!!