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Shinies
01-30-2008, 01:23 AM
Going for: Elekid
Characters: 8,806


Today was the day Oliver, a young 12 year old boy with long black hair.

Oliver was five feet six inches but it looked as if he had any muscle at all and Oliver was sort of a wimp who has to see something to believe it.

Oliver is wearing bright green pants and a grass green shirt.

Oliver was so excited about getting his first Pokémon that he went to sleep early and woke up early.

“I am so excited about getting my first Pokémon” said Oliver excitingly.

Oliver had decided he was going to look at his options for his first Pokemon other then getting his hopes high on a specific Pokémon.

“I have everything I need to go onto my Pokémon journey” shouted Oliver.

Oliver was ready to leave his poor old house since 6 am.

Just as Oliver said this, his mom came into his room.

Oliver’s mom had black hair and she was the same height as Oliver at five feet and six inches.

She was wearing a black skirt and a purple shirt.

Oliver's mom said “Oliver, are you excited about today?”

Oliver replied by saying “Of course mom, this is going to be the biggest decision of my young life.”

Oliver’s mom told him to come and eat breakfast.

Oliver went and sat down on a chair next to the table.

When Oliver’s mom put a plate in front of Oliver and he happily said “Oh boy! Pancakes and bacon!”

Oliver picked up the delicious, crispy looking strip of bacon and popped it into his mouth.

“Mmmmmm” said Oliver about the strip of bacon.

Oliver then grabbed the syrup and poured some all over his soft looking pancakes.

Oliver took a quick glance at the clock and screamed “Oh my god! It’s seven-thirty already!?”

Oliver quickly ate the pancakes like if he hadn’t ate in two days.

After eating his delicious pancakes Oliver said “Mom it is time for me to go off on my journey.”

His mom agreed and gave Oliver a kiss on the check and said “Go get them honey!”

Oliver went out through the front door and waved good bye.

Just as he was walking down the road, a small tear went down Oliver’s mom’s right eye.

“I am finally going to get my first Pokémon!” yelled Oliver.

Oliver went walking towards Professor Rose’s laboratory.

Professor Rose was a beautiful, young lady who replaced Professor Tulip as the head Professor.

Professor Rose was wearing a darkness black skirt and a white shirt under her long white lab coat.

“I am finally here!” thought Oliver as he entered the gate and was walking toward the front door of Professor Rose’s laboratory.

Just as soon as Oliver was going to knock on the door Professor Rose opened it and said “Oliver, here at last. I’ve been expecting you.” Oliver said “Thanks professor Rose, I’m so excited!”

Oliver entered the laboratory and was in awe of all the machinery and different types of Pokemon in the laboratory.

Oliver thought it was Pokemon heaven in there with all the flashes and all the different types of Pokémon.

“There are three choices for you to choose from” said Professor Rose as she pressed a button and three Pokéballs zapped themselves into three open ball slots.

“These three Pokéballs contain a Pokemon each.” said Professor Rose.

"Your first choice is Cubone the ground Pokémon. Cubone is a small Pokémon that has a rock mask. Cubone also loves having his bone everywhere he goes."

"Your second option is Poliwag the water Pokémon. Poliwag had two arms but no legs, don't this fool you as Pliwag can be a very powerful pokémon."

"Your last and final option is Caterpie the bug Pokémon. Caterpie is a small worm like creature that gets stronger after every evolution."

As soon as Oliver heard Cubone he knew that Cubone was his rightful choice.

“Cubone it is please!” said Oliver to Professor Rose. Professor Rose gave Oliver the red and white Pokéball with Cubone inside.

Oliver thanked Professor Rose and asked if she had an extra Pokéball he could have.

“Oh yeah! I totally forgot to give you your five extra Pokéballs and your Pokédex!” said Professor Rose.

Professor Rose handed the Pokédex and five Pokéballs to Oliver.

The Pokéballs were red on top and gray on the bottom with a circle in the middle.

“Thanks a lot!” said Oliver.

Oliver wanted to say hello to Cubone before they left onto their journey.

“Come on out Cubone!” said Oliver.

Oliver threw the Pokéball toward the floor and a bright light came out of the Pokéball as Cubone came out and the Pokéball went back to Oliver.

Cubone was holding a bone and is always wearing his rock mask with a small crack on the side.

“Hey there Cubone” said Oliver.

Cubone replied by saying Cubone twice, and Cubone looked very friendly and very happy to have been picked by Oliver as his first Pokémon.

Cubone and Oliver waved good bye to Professor Rose as they walked down the road toward the forest together.

“Are you ready to practice in the woods before we continue through the woods Cubone?” said Oliver.

Cubone replied by nodding and Cubone and Oliver stopped in a small open area in the woods.

Oliver directed Cubone to use his boomerang attack to slice through the branches.

“Cubone, use your boomerang on those branches and try to aim and knock them off!” yelled Oliver.

Cubone threw his bone toward the tree and the bone hit the tree with all its force and the bone only managed to get a crack on the tree.

Cubone then started to cry as he knows he had failed.

Oliver then said “Its okay Cubone that is why practice makes perfect.”

Oliver picked up Cubone and put Cubone back onto his feet.

Cubone got his bone and with all his force threw the bone toward the tree and just as soon as the bone was going to hit the tree a yellowish figure came from out of nowhere and hit the bone before it hit the tree.

Oliver quickly took out his Pokédex and aimed it at the yellowish figure.

The Pokédex said “Elekid, the electrifying Pokemon. Elekids love to mess around with trainers.”

Elekid was a dark yellow with stripes on his hip.

Elekid had an electric bolt on his stomach has three fingers on each hand.

Oliver then said “Cubone, this is our chance to catch our first Pokémon!” Cubone got in battling position and Elekid also got into battling position.

Both Pokemon stood still staring at each other for thirty seconds then at last Elekid made the first move by doing a thunder shock.

Oliver yelled “Cubone spin your bone really fast to stop the thunder shock!” Cubone twisted his bone in hypersonic speed and the thunder shock disappeared.

As soon as Cubone stopped spinning his bone Elekid came running toward Cubone with his hand straight.

Elekid hit Cubone with a powerful karate Chop.

It looked as if Elekid was a black belt in martial arts.

Oliver went toward Cubone to see if he was alright when Elekid came running again and landed another powerful karate chop.

Cubone was in pain after getting hit with two straight karate chops one after another.

Cubone stood up again and this time he knew Elekid was coming and dodged Elekid's karate chop and went sliding toward the other side of Elekid and threw a quick boomerang at Elekid and it hit Elekid with all its force.

Cubone came running toward Elekid with his hand sturdy and with his claws out in position for a scratch attack when Elekid saw the scratch coming and caught it within his two hands and Elekid then carried Cubone and threw him against a tree.

When Cubone hit the tree it was the same tree Cubone had practiced his boomerang attack on.

Two long branches fell down from the tree and Oliver saw them and thought of a quick idea.

"Cubone, do two boomerangs using the two branches that fell down!"yelled Oliver.

Cubone then sent both the branches one after another toward Elekid.

Elekid barely dodged both the branches as one went over him and another went under him.

But wait!

The branches were a distraction for Elekid can be out of position and not be able to dodge another move.

Cubone came charging toward Elekid with his head way out in front of him and hit Elekid with a hard Double Edge attack.

Elekid was hit very hard and was sent very far from where he was.

Elekid stood up very slowly.

Cubone started running toward Elekid and Elekid saw the opening to attack so Elekid quickly dodged the Double edge.

Elekid then got his hand into a fist and hit Cubone with a dynamic punch that looked like no Pokémon or human can ever stand the pain from.

Cubone was sent eight feet from where he was at and Cubone with barely any energy left quickly stood up and threw his bone with all the energy he had left!

Oliver was in shock of the battle and of how hard Cubone was working.

The bone Cubone threw was nothing he had practiced like, this boomerang was different and it twisted really fast and in sideways as it hit Elekid and Elekid fell down with no stamina or energy left.

“Oh yeah!” said Oliver as he forgot to throw a pokeball toward Elekid.

Oliver threw the pokeball and Elekid went inside with the blinding white light.

The Pokéball shook, it shook again and then it was still.....

pikahero2
01-30-2008, 06:42 AM
Dibs, I'll have a grade within an hour.

EDIT:

Plot/Introduction: This wasn't too good. You never really told us what Oliver looked like, you told us about his age and hair. That's really not enough. Is Oliver a tough kid? A Smart kid? A Nerdy kid? XD You have to tell us EVERYTHING about Oliver, otherwise, we'll have no idea what's going to happen. Sometimes, suspense is good, but not in this way. You should try to describe the setting, I couldn't see where Oliver was at anytime to be honest. I think the whole "Going on a journey" is overused and a little boring. You could of added twists and turns in the plot, and it would of even put more length onto it. For a more complex Pokemon, in the categories of say, Hard and Complex. You can't use this, as a grader wouldn't even go near it. You need to think of a very, I mean very interesting plot for harder Pokémon. Sometimes it's hard to think, so you could use a movie. Like "I am Legend" if you've seen that, you could base a plot off something like that. I thought this was really lacking the basics, as well as telling everyone about Oliver. Remember, in every story, you should give them a "Hook", a hook is something that will make them hungry for more of your writing. As your plot may be really interesting.

Fail

Length: This was just fine. Remember, it's okay to go below and above the minimum. Some people and graders would want you to stay away from below, as it makes the story too short. Aim for somewhere around 7 1/2K, as it would be around the middle. Thought, this was just over the minimum, that's okay. Remember, it's not the amount you write, it's what you write. It's not about quantity, it's quality.

Pass

Spelling/Grammar: I'm not too good at this, so I may make mistakes. :P

Alright, this was pretty good, I noticed a lot of typos here and there, but they were only with commas. I managed to get though the story without stopping though, as the commas weren't too bad. You must remember, you should always capitalize Pokémon items, Pokémon attacks, and anything else that's Pokémon related. Also, you have to use the "é" for Pokémon, as it will be pronounced differently if you don't. Here's some of the mistakes I found.


Today was the day Oliver, a young 12 year old boy with long black hair was going to get his starter Pokemon.

Oliver was so excited about getting his first Pokemon that he went to sleep early and woke up early.

“I am so excited about getting my first Pokemon” said Oliver.


All of the "Pokemon's" there, should have the "é".

Oliver quickly scarfed down the pancakes like if he hadn’t ate in two days.

Hmm.. I think scarfed is wrong. It may just be where I live, but it's wrong. You could of replaced it with something more "general".

“I am finally going to get my first Pokemon!” said Oliver.

As well, "Pokemon" should have an "é".


Oliver entered the laboratory and was in awe of all the machinery and different types of Pokemon in the laboratory.


This as well, with the "é".

“These three pokeballs contain a Pokemon each.” said Professor Rose.


"Pokeballs" should be capitalized, and have the "é". "Pokemon" should have the "é" too.

Professor Rose handed the pokedex and five pokeballs to Oliver.

"Pokedex" should be capitalized, and should have "é". The same with "Pokeballs".

There were a lot more mistakes, but they were all related to the ones with the "é"'s and capital letters.

Detail/Description: This was okay, but in some parts, it was really lacking. You didn't tell us how Oliver felt a lot of the time, I mean, when he talked, it always finished with "he asked". How did he ask? Politely? Loudly? That's what you should tell us. Or he could have a happy tone to his voice or something. I never knew if Oliver was happy or not, it just wasn't obvious. I didn't really get what he looked like either, was he tanned? I don't know. See, the thing about detail is, it helps the reader use their imagination, in finding the story. You didn't describe Oliver's clothes either. I mean, you should tell us what clothes he's wearing. You should also tell us about the Professor and everyone in the story, describe how they feel, what their wearing, and their characteristics. And instead of using things like "the blue pants", you could of changed it into; "His bright navy pants" or something. Instead of using colors, use different types of colors.

For example, blue; use Sapphire or navy, or sky-blue or something, for red; crimson, or blood red and so on. Get it? Sometimes it gives them a better feel of what their reading.

I imagine Oliver having, bright green pants, with white stripes going down them, and he has tanned brown skin. He has bright brown eyes too. His hair is like a girls. Think, that may not be what your seeing, is it? Exactly, that's why you need to tell us all of this, so we can see too. It would be boring to see nothing but words, right?

Now, Items and attacks should be described too. If I wasn't too fond of playing Pokémon games, how would I know what Pokéballs look like? You should give a brief description of everything. Where they orange and purple? I'm not sure. Just tell us the colors and a little bit about them. For attacks, you can't just say the attacks. Work on telling us how he attacked, for example. When he twirled his bone club. You could of said then; "Cubone pulled his pale white, rigid bone towards the power of the bright yellow spark of thunder shock" or something.

Remember, you should describe Pokémon too. For Elekid, you could of said maybe "It was like a small kid, it had a small evil grin, with tiny cute eyes, and round yellow and black body" just so people will know what an Elekid is. Just remember to describe the setting too, if it's in a field, tell us about the colors and such in the scene.

Also, you should start trying to put scents in. What smell was in the air? They're might have been a stench, or a fragrance or something. Just tell us.

Fail

Battle: Meh, this threw me off too. It was only a couple of lines, and there wasn't anything special about it really. Maybe using the setting around him for help in the battle. Maybe the branches Cubone cut down, you could of had an obstacle course thing? Maybe make Elekid try to jump over and tire him out or something? You need to be creative with battles, it was a little one-sided to Cubone as well. Maybe making Cubones bone hit him or something? By accident? Just to add a little suspense to the match? It was boring in my opinion. Sometimes if you think, you could come up with an amazing battle. It could be a chase while their battling, they could be battling while jumping over things too. It makes the battle more exciting. Just be careful not to make the battle unrealistic. So just work on that.

Fail

Outcome: Well, this was really a borderline for me, the detail was lacking, as was the introduction not too good, I'm going to have to say Elekid not captured, Sorry, I know I'm inclined to give you a pass, for your first story and all, but this was lacking. Lengthen the battle up, add a bit more description, and tell us more about it in the introduction, and I'll be happy to give you a pass.

Shinies
01-31-2008, 12:07 AM
Thanks for grading and I fixed the "é" mistakes and added a lot to the battle and added details in bold.

pikahero2
01-31-2008, 03:50 AM
Outcome: You've fixed some spelling mistakes, added in some detail, so Elekid Captured! Enjoy ^_^