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Pokemon Trainer Sarah
01-31-2008, 11:19 PM
http://i25.tinypic.com/23k6vx4.png

Note: There are Australian spellings in this story
eg. traveling = travelling, realize = realise

"Well, well, well, what do I spy?" a strange voice called from her perch, her red eyes fixed to something at the base of the tree. "Well, if isn't an ickle baby Pokemon!" the Murkrow squawked cheekily. "What are you doing out here all alone? It's dangerous at night..." The Dark bird made a show of opening her sharp, crooked beak and clicking it a few times, but still the Pokemon beneath her did not respond. Finally getting bored with her game, the Murkrow swooped down, flapping her black wings gracefully as her feet hit the ground. "Oh, little Oddish, why won't you talk to me?" she cawed in a singsong voice.

"What do you want?" the Oddish mumbled. She was sitting quietly in the short grass, the lush fan of leaves on her head being caressed gently by the breeze. She had a round, purple body, and tiny black eyes that glinted in the moonlight.

"Well, I never! Do you know who you're speaking to?" the Murkrow squawked.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm kind of busy," the Grass-type replied nonchalantly, her eyes locked to the small gravel path that wound before them.

"Hey, this is my forest, kid. The least you could do is show a little respect!" the bird huffed, flapping her wings importantly. "Now I'm sorry to interrupt when you're so obviously busy, but what do you think you're doing under my tree?"

"Waiting," the little Pokemon replied, her eyes never leaving the route. "My trainer said he'd be back before nightfall."

"Oh, dear Ho-Oh, not another one," the Murkrow shook her head dramatically. "I don't get what your type sees in humans." When the Oddish didn't respond, she continued. "Don't you see, kid? He aint coming back. In case you haven't noticed, the sun's gone."

The Oddish just shook her head. "Thank-you for your concern, Murkrow," she muttered condescendingly, "but I know he's coming back. Now will you fly off and annoy someone else?"

"Insolence!" the Murkrow squawked. "No wonder it's so easy to dump Pokemon these days." Fed up with the conversation, she began to flap her sharp-feathered wings. "Well, the night is fer huntin', I'll be back at sunrise. For both our sakes I hope you're not here when I return." With that, the Dark-type took to the sky and slowly faded into the night.

When the Oddish awoke, she found that the sun was already high in the sky. She looked up; Murkrow had returned and was napping on her perch. The Grass-type felt a twinge of terror as she realised that maybe the blackbird had been right about her trainer. She stood up and began to walk around, enjoying the warm sun on her back.

When she had done a few laps of the area, and spotted nothing but trees, plants and flowers, she slowly ambled back to Murkrow's tree and sat under it forlornly.

"Well, what did I tell ya, kid?"

The Oddish cried out in surprise at the voice from behind her and turned swiftly. Murkrow had glided from her tree and was standing behind the Grass-type, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"What are you trying to do?" the Oddish cried angrily, annoyed at being startled.

The Murkrow just puffed up her feathers importantly. "I have to say it was kind of hard to sleep with you sobbing away down here."

The Grass-Poison hybrid just glared. "I was not sobbing!"

"Well, let's just say your grief is clogging up my air, alright? I happen to be able to sense emotions and you are just screaming despair." The Murkrow turned, her crested head in the air.

"I'm fine," the Oddish scowled, her eyes fixed to the ground as to ignore the Dark-type that was standing before her.

"Yeah, I can see that from the huge grin on yer face," the bird taunted, her red eyes gleaming.

"Oh just leave me alone," the plant groaned, getting to her feet.

"Forget it kid, humans are no good, alright? In my opinion you were lucky to be released." She nodded thoughtfully, as she began to prune the sharp, black feathers on her left wing with her beak.

"Don't!" the Oddish cried, her eyes welling with tears. "He promised me," she added, realising as she said it just how weak it sounded. "Just LEAVE ME ALONE!" She got to her feet and began to walk.

"Suit yerself!" the Murkrow cawed. "Don't make me say 'I told yer so'."

The Grass-type ignored the squawking bird and headed off down the gravel path. It was perfectly plausible that her trainer had just gotten lost, or was searching for her under the wrong tree. Murkrow had no right to worry her like that.

The path she was on wound through a small forest to the east of Cerulean City. The trees here were huge, their branches stretching out and shading the path from the harsh sun. Small bushes almost covered the ground. Wild flowers grew along the path, their sweet aromas twirling around the plant Pokemon as she walked. She knew that her trainer had come this way; his scent was still thick in the air.

Suddenly she stopped, her leaves twitching on her head. She could hear something up ahead, a pounding noise... footsteps... Her heart beat with excitement; the noises could only be human. Without another thought, she rushed forward, her eyes glued to the path before her, her feet pushing her onwards as she stared expectantly, waiting to spot her trainer around the next bend. When she finally turned the corner, she froze in terror. Indeed, there was a human, but it was not her trainer. This human was of the female variety with a sleeveless green mini-dress and short black hair tied in pigtails on her head.

Before the startled Oddish could dive into the bushes, the human looked up, her greenish eyes catching the plant-type and widening in excitement.

"Great, must be my lucky day," the human smiled brightly. She wore a thick black belt around her waist which held three Pokeballs. Ripping one of, she thrust it into the air. "Come on out, Voltorb!"

The ball spewed a red light, which eventually took the form of a round ball. The Pokemon that appeared was red and white, the exact image of a Pokeball.

"I'm not a wild Pokemon!" the Oddish tried to explain, but she knew that the human wouldn't understand. She looked at her opponent pleadingly, but the strange orb just rolled slightly from side to side, its large eyes unblinking.

"Voltorb, use Charge!" the human cried.

The Electric-type began to spin on the spot, generating electrical energy which it then absorbed.

Taking this as her chance to attack, the Oddish rushed forward, then lowered her head, waving her leaves threateningly. A thick yellow powder poured from her top, travelling through the air to smother the Electric-type in tiny spores.

The human looked unfased by the strange attack. "Hit it with Thunderbolt!" she instructed, pointing a finger at the little plant.

The Voltorb echoed its previous attack, but this time the generated energy was directed at Oddish, who was too slow to dodge. The electricity slammed the Pokemon, causing a strange sizzling sound which zapped at the plant's energy. Before it could do too much damage, however, the Grass-type had managed to shake off the attack and was now performing one of her own.

She bent low, concentrating her energy before releasing a shot of purple gunk at the Voltorb. The Acid attack hit its mark and began to hiss as it burnt the ball Pokemon.

"Shake it off!" the human cried worriedly.

The Voltorb began to spin on the spot, sending the gunk flying in every direction.

The human looked pleased. "Now, go into a Rollout!"

Using the momentum it had already gained, the Voltorb took off. It rolled steadily along the ground before slamming into the Grass-type. The Oddish stumbled for a moment, but didn't fall.

"Again, Voltorb!"

The electric orb changed direction once more, heading for Oddish again. Before it could reach its target, however, it began to slow down before it stopped altogether, its body twitching slightly.

The plant breathed a sigh of relief; her Stun Spore attack had finally taken effect, rendering the Voltorb paralysed. Knowing that she had to end the battle soon, she jumped and began to twirl in the air, beginning her most powerful attack.

The Voltorb could only watch, frozen, as the plant began to dance, her leaves waving in time with the steps that she took. The wildflowers began to sway, their aromas mixing in the air. A cool wind blew, bringing with it a shower of petals which wrapped themselves around the Grass-type in some kind of formation.

All at once the plant stopped, her leaves pointing at her opponent. The petals froze, too, their sharp edges gleaming, before they shot toward the Voltorb as one, striking the Pokemon and forcing it backwards along the ground.

The Oddish continued her dance, spinning and spinning, though her feet were tired. She began to feel dizzy as the petals swept around her like a skirt. Once she had started, there was no stopping the attack, so she let it consume her, guiding her motions as she performed the final steps. This time when she stopped, she felt like she was going to fall, but still managed to direct the petals at the Voltorb, who was lying motionless on the gravel path.

"Selfdestruct!"

The command seemed to come from nowhere. Before she could comprehend what was happening, the Voltorb shut its eyes and began to expand until it exploded, sending a plume of dust into the air. The shuddering blast sent flocks of startled Pidgey into the sky, their tawny wings beating furiously as they struggled to escape the tremors which vibrated through the air. The attack scorched the plant, burning her body and causing her to fly backwards, skidding along the ground. When she finally came to a stop, she just lay there, her head spinning and her body aching. Knowing that there was nothing left to do, she shut her eyes.

"Pokeball, go!"

The young plant heard the call but thought nothing of it. She already had a trainer, and knew that no other orb would be able to capture her while she was under his command. It was with great surprise then, that she felt her body morphing as she was pulled into the red and white ball.

As she was consumed, the Grass-type could hear Murkrow's squawks echoing in her head. Now she knew... she had indeed been released; her trainer never intended to return. Though tears pricked at her eyes, she refused to cry for the human who had abandoned her.

Though she was exhausted and confused, her instincts took over and she fought against the blackness that threatened to enslave her once more...

Splishee
02-02-2008, 11:43 PM
Here's your grade! Enjoy!

Plot

There is a little Oddish is sitting in a forest, waiting for her trainer which had promised that he would come back for her. A devilish Murkrow flutters down and teases her about her trainer abandoning her, and Oddish just can’t seem to accept the fact, so she denies it. After sitting around and moping, she comes across a female trainer who she mistakenly believed to be her male one. The trainer tries to battle her, and inevitably throws the dreaded Pokeball.

For a simple level Pokemon, I LOVED the plot. It was above and beyond simple level Pokemon standards; you probably could have gotten away with a medium or hard level Pokemon too with this plot. It was very creative, and you described everything with great detail, which made me enjoy the story even more. The aspect of your story which I liked best had to be your characters; the bird and Oddish had their own individual personalities, and even though the story wasn’t long enough to delve into them more, I could still identify with each of them. Even though the trainer’s personality didn’t have much to offer, it would have been out of place if it actually did.. as Oddish was confused by humans and wouldn’t be able to connect with her at that moment anyway.

Overall, a great plot and story. The Oddish’s point of view just tickled me pink. ^_^

Introduction

Very well written, and obviously a lot of thought was put into how you wanted to portray the Oddish’s situation in the first paragraph, and it reflected through it. I loved how you started it off with the devilish Murkrow; very eerie and intimidating for the reader, and it sucked me in automatically. I found myself delving deeper and deeper into the story because of the great introduction.

Yeah, yeah. You covered the who/what/where.. Etc. You did it subtely, everything that was happening in the story unravelled gradually, making me think “Oh, that’s why!”. I liked how you described Oddish, yet, at the same time, I don’t. You kind of thrusted it infront of the reader’s nose, but obviously not as bad as other writers do. It was still wonderfully written. However, since you’re obviously an excellent writer, I believe you could have written a description of Oddish’s appearance in a more creative way. I was left expecting more :P

Length

Oddish is a simple Pokemon, making it roughly 5 - 10 thousand characters long. Yours was above 10 K, so that’s excellent. With a plot like yours, you couldn’t have had it any shorter anyway. ^_^

Grammar

Grammar was probably your strongest area. I went through the story numerous times to find any big or little mistakes, and I had trouble scraping just one. You obviously looked through the text many times, so kudos for that. I noticed that you had a little bit of oddly placed commas scattered here or there, but it’s really nothing important enough to mention directly.

However, I did notice this one odd word placement.

. She could hear something up ahead, a pounding noise... footsteps... Her heart beat with excitement

I’m not sure if this is technically grammatically wrong, but it is strangely worded. It doesn’t really make sense saying that her heart beat with excitement; it sounds like you simply mixed up the sentence’s wording.

It should read something like:

“Her heart began to beat with excitement.”

The one before is just a little hard to process, and that one is a little easier on the eye, yeah? I know it’s a crummy example of grammar, but your whole story’s grammar usage was just that good.

Description

Very nice the entire way through. You were able to describe each plant, each emotion and each character’s speech in a creative and flowing fashion; each description just flowed into place, and I didn’t even think about what you had written, I was just imagining the thing you were describing in my head without a second thought. It takes skill to have a reader feel that, so good job.

Every aspect of description was just spot on, except for one. In describing character’s appearances (more specifically, the trainer) you cut it a bit short. Talking about the trainer’s, you simply said that she was wearing this and that.. Which, at your writing ability, you should be avoiding. Try and make it flow with the storyline, like how you described the trainer’s eyes.

the human looked up, her greenish eyes catching the plant-type and widening in excitement.

I liked how you incorporated the appearance of her eyes in with the story, so you should have described at least 2 of the clothing that you had listed before in that way.

Battle

This goes along with your description grade. Very nicely done, and each attack was done superbly, the descriptive words flowing with the story and painting a perfect picture of each attack.

My favourite was, by far, the Petal Dance. I loved how you incorporated the surroundings with the attack, making the flowers around Oddish surround her, letting off their petals and forming a pretty ‘skirt’ around her, and then suddenly turning vicious and attacking. I laughed when you described the petals as suddenly turning sharp. I imagined them giving Voltorb some kind of death glare.. XD.

All the description was great, but I would have liked to see a little more emotion from Oddish. She was obviously in a big emotional state, and although at the start and the end you described her feelings about the situation, in the middle of it, it would have been nice to see a small paragraph about how she was so angry at the Voltorb, or maybe a short one about the trainer’s point of view? Obviously, since it is a simply level story, this is not to be expected.. It was already great. But I would have liked it more, as a reader. :P

Final Outcome

Is it really a question? You passed every grading section with flying colours, and it was overall an excellently-written story. So, Oddish captured! ^_^

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
02-03-2008, 09:30 AM
Thanks a lot for the grade! ^^ And thanks for the tips, I'll be sure to take them into account for next time. =]