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Ataro
02-02-2008, 06:50 AM
Inside a Bug’s Head

“Hm, that look de-lish!”

“Don’t even think about it!”

“Why not?”

“Argh, how many times must I tell you?”

“Many!”

“Those are baits set off by those humans; they will catch you if you get lured by that bait!”

“You lie.”

“No I didn’t, Mom told me that!”

“How could you trust her?”

“I don’t know but I just did…”

The two worms were in a hidden compartment in a table. That compartment had holes throughout, tiny holes. On the sandy brown table that was in the shape of a circular dimension, laid a huge brown chocolate cake. The pink icings were decorated on top of the 3 layer cake, choked in thick white cream around it.

“I want that cake so much, I’m getting hungry.”

“Here!”

The female Caterpie pushed a few pieces of fresh green leaves that smelt of morning dew to the male Caterpie.

“Chips, you know I hate them!”

“Pie, get over it. We’re Caterpie, and Caterpie eat leaves. Besides, leaves have high protein and fibre, they will make our silk finer.”

“Oh my gosh, Chips, look there!” Pushing Chips to the other side with fake amusement, Chips got excited as well and quickly turned, scanning for anything interesting through a small eyehole through the old table which had many cracks.

“Where? I don’t see anything,” Chips asked, while still looking through the hole.

“Look closely, you’ll be able to find Mom there, she’s flying around the tree!” Pie lied to Chips, as it quickly fled through the hidden compartment.

The green worm easily crawled out of a small gap, so as to get out of that compartment and get onto the table. The sticky substance that it have on its legs made it simple for it to climb onto the walls, and it got its head out of that compact area. From its small eye view, it saw the huge chocolate cake that only made its belly groaned for the cake.

The small legs that the Caterpie had only made its footsteps seem much smaller, as the bug Pokemon crawled several inches to get to the cake. The big black eyes that it had only glistened with light, while it was tempted greatly by that sweetness. It crawled through multiple scratches on the table, with graffiti written on it, before reaching the plate of the cake. Pie shot a silk out from its mouth that looked like a green spinning top.

The String Shot reached the chocolate sponge cake, as it pulled itself up onto the cake. The silk got shorter and shorter, while Caterpie got closer to the cake.

It placed its mouth onto the pink icing, and started to suck the sugary sweets into its throat. Its eyes glowed more, while a tiny grin could be seen on its mouth, marking its satisfactory.

“Look!” A boy shouted.

“Damn that Caterpie, stealing our food, it’ll pay!”

That guy, by the name of Alex, took out a Pokeball. He pressed a button in the middle of the Pokeball, without throwing it. The red and white orb opened up, revealing a brown cocoon. It didn’t have a foot, but could balance on a pointed edge.

The Caterpie which had stains of chocolate on its body stood up against Kakuna bravely. It spitted out a fine String Shot, which could stick onto Kakuna upon contact.

“Counter it off with your String Shot!” Alex said, getting cocky.

The silk from Kakuna hit Caterpie’s and deflected it off. The Caterpie jumped forward, hoping to hit the cocoon with a Tackle attack.

“Poison Sting!”

Following its trainer’s command, it bounced off the ground with the bottom of it facing Caterpie, which had a sharp edge as its poisonous stinger. Taken aback by surprise, the Caterpie’s mouth that looked like a spinning contact got injected by that sting with venom. Both Pokemon fell onto the ground, with Kakuna’s string getting stuck inside Caterpie’s mouth.

“Hah, that should teach you a lesson!” Alex flaunted, holding a Pokeball, and clicking a button on it. The orb opened up, while a ray of crimson sucked Caterpie into the Pokeball, separating it from the Kakuna magically in the process.

The female Caterpie, Chips, the sister of Pie, stared at the situation, while a drop of crystal clear tear dripped down its green slimy body.

____________________________

Caterpie; 4k exactly

The Jr Trainer
02-02-2008, 07:20 AM
Forced to grade... yet again. D:

Crappy grade:

Plot/Story:
Bit of a comedy I see. XP Mocking my AIM screen name, too. Anyways, it was a good story for an easiest category Pokemon. It strayed way, way, way away from the “kid goes into forest battles and catches Pokemon” thing. It was a bit, or more, at times. I was laughing losing my concentration at times, though that’s good since I couldn’t poke at many errors that I saw. Make sure you keep pumping out those ideas for stories, humor or not, you have talent and it should be used... even if its at your personal lose. XD

Considering this was the first humorous [Pokemon] story I’ve read in a long while, I liked it and thought it was funny, and didn’t have an serious moments at all. I hope that’s what you were looking for because you got it. :P I had fun reading this, as you can probably tell, making the story have a mood is good, if it's happy one second then sad the next the reader might be confused or whatnot. D:

Keep up with this, though it is probably easier to write a funny story that is short than a longer one. XP

Introduction:
Lol, funny introduction. Talking about cake, of course. This was pretty funny, the first part where they were talking got my hooked on, and made me give a bit of a giggle. XD Hooking the reader on and explaining where, who, what and all that jazz is what should be in a good intro, and yours had just that.

This was great, as most of your sections were. :P

Grammar/Spelling:
Few mistakes I found. Nothing bad, just something you’ll want to watch out for in your future--mockeries or me-- I mean stories. ;]

“Oh my gosh, Chips, look there!” Pushing Chips to the other side with fake amusement,
The ‘p’ in ‘pushing’ shouldn’t be capital. After you are done using dialogue or after a quotation mark (or however you want to word it…), if the word isn’t a noun, it should not be capitalized.

The pink icings were decorated on top of the 3 layer cake,
I say any numbers one to ten should be written out, but that’s just a personal preference. :x

And, I’m guessing you meant to put the word mom with a capital ‘m’ if not, then it should be lower cased.

Length:
You need more length. :/ [kidding]

Detail:
Since this was for a Caterpie it was rather… over done. XD It had good detail for the little worm, even without most of the detail you included this would be a good story for the worm. ^^ Make sure you keep going on this. I could see and hear just about everything in the story. It really keeps the reader wanting to read more and more and more.

Though, the more the merrier, sometimes over doing it can lead to notsogood outcome. Too much detail will lead the reader off track and out of the story completely, it has happened to me, trust me it's not very fun to read after you lose track of what's going on (esecially for a school report :x).

Battle:
This was pretty funny, battling over a cake. It was fine for the little worm, thingy. The length was good, though it could’ve been more anime style, less game boy. The detail was pretty good here, too. I know you know what you are doing when you write, as I can obviously tell. More length for more complex Pokemon will be needed, along with a dab more detail. Otherwhise this was just about as good as the rest of the story.

This was fine, as the rest of the story was. :P

Final Outcome:
Even though you were mocking me, the story was to the point where I couldn’t say much bad stuff about it. :P

Caterpie no-- er, captured! XP (that is a yes to capturing btw. XD)

Ataro
02-02-2008, 03:28 PM
xDDD

Well, I didn't expected a comedy, but when I kept writing it, I started laughing... :o

This was my first humor story as well, and I'm glad it was not a bad start. And I just forgot to put 'three', I guess rushing a story is bad. :tongue: