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RonRaygunX3
02-02-2008, 01:56 PM
A Friend To The Lost

Chapter 1

Desired Pokémon: Ralts
Character Count: 11k +
Difficulty Level: Medium

Riley sat motionless at the corner of his bed, just gazing out of the window. Some people considered Riley to be an outcast. Some considered him a loner who just was not interested in interacting with others. Those who knew him best knew him as a boy of many thoughts. Riley was twelve years old. Wavy toughs of brown hair fell to the top of his emerald colored eyes and covered a proportion of his slender cheeks. Proportionally as well as mentally Riley was "different" than the other boys. Often times he was considered to have the dimensions of a twig. He was also probably about half a foot shorter than the other boys in his school. Due to his differences, Riley was often teased and bullied. This is where our story begins; this is why Riley sits alone in his room gazing outside the window.

"Riley, it's time for you to get ready for school!" called Riley's mother.

Riley did not take great pleasure in going to Pokémon school but he knew if he did not go he could never become a successful trainer in the future. The twig shaped boy stepped out of his room, dragging his old worn out sneakers along the floor. He lazily walked down the stairs the stairs and plopped his body into the chair. A wide array of food lay before him; golden crisped waffles that glistened with a light coating of maple syrup and two sunny side up eggs. Although he was small in proportions, he had the appetite of a Grumpig. After scarfing down a nutritious breakfast, Riley proceeded with his normal schedule for getting ready for Pokémon school. He grabbed his textbooks and put on his running shoes which were still in decent condition. As Riley headed for the door he picked up one of the most important thing in Riley's life; a shiny red Pokéball. This little ball contained Riley's best and only friend, Turtwig.

Riley pushed open the old wooden door of his abode. As he did so, warm sun light highlighted his face and warmed his body. Riley walked to school on the normal route through the forest. After about ten minutes, the bright green sign that read "Pokémon School" came into his vision. Riley proceeded past the sign and into the large welcoming doors of the school.

As he walked to class, his feet squeaked on the shiny blue floors of the school. Although he did not like the school, he had to admit it was very clean. Once he got to class the morning proceeded as it normally would. He stared at his text book for the whole morning and payed almost no attention to the lesson. It was almost impossible for him to think about anything other than the inevitable battle practice that Riley so detested. At twelve o' clock, the bell rang, signaling the begging of one vs. one battle practice. Unfortunately, today Riley was paired with the meanest and largest kind in the school, Manfred. The small twig shaped boys heart sank as his teacher called the name of his partner.

"Riley and Manfred, will you please come to the front of the class to demonstrate the proper battle technique for a one vs. one battle?" called Riley's teacher, Ms. Applebottom.

Riley nervously walked towards the front of the classroom. His eyes linked for a moment with Manfred and Riley got a message without even hearing Manfred speak the words; he was in trouble. Riley reached into his pocket off his overly large jeans and grabbed his Pokéball. He shakily held out the shiny red ball then threw it weakly onto the clean classroom floors. The ball popped open and a stream of blue light flowed from it along with blindingly bright white sparks. When the display of lights cleared there stood Turtwig brave and ready for battle. Turtwig was a green Pokémon that strongly resembled a turtle and a developing plant. It had a hard brown shell with stout green legs that supported it. It has a large head and a very large mouth which is perfect for its Bite Attack. A small plant grew out of the top of its head which Riley heard would develop into a large tree after evolution.

"Go, Machop!" yelled Manfred.

Manfred threw his Pokéball down and the familiar stream of lights came with it. Manfred's Pokémon was called Machop. Machop was a small human like Pokémon with a tiny body but massive arms. It looked almost like a miniature version of Manfred.

"Turtwig use your Tackle Attack," said Riley nervously.

The small green Pokémon charged powerfully towards the little muscular Pokémon. Machop did not have time to dodge and it was knocked off of its feet, flying into the hard walls of the classroom. Machop stood gasping for air for a moment while it tried to get its energy back from the attack.

"Get up!" roared Manfred angrily, with a stern look on his face.

Machop jumped into action at the harsh command of its trainer. It darted across the room as fast as its powerful little legs could carry it. The little fighter leaped onto Turtwig's large head and began chopping away wildly with its strong hands. Turtwig flailed around frantically, in an attempt to shake of Machop. After a long, tiresome struggle, Turtwig shook off the Machop and it was sent tumbling into one of the empty chairs.

"What are you doing Machop! Take down that Turtwig!" yelled Manfred as he pointed madly at the stout, forest green turtle.

Machop pushed itself off the ground then ran towards Turtwig. It grabbed Turtwig by its hind legs and started swinging it around powerfully in a Seismic Toss Attack. Suddenly, before Machop could release Turtwig, Turtwig turned its head around and snapped onto Machop's hand with its powerful jaws. Machop tugged its hand back in pain, letting Turtwig land safely on the clean classroom floors.

"Now Turtwig, use Razor Leaf!" called Riley. His confidence began to build as he realized he might stand a change against Manfred.

Turtwig stood facing Machop as it began to shake the small plant on its head vigorously. Leafs started to fly swiftly from the plant on Turtwig's head and they pounded directly into the body of Machop. Machop took major damage and fell to one knee, hunched over in pain. Finally Machop fell to the ground, out of will to fight. Riley had won the match! For once, Riley felt as if he were powerful. He began screaming with joy and the whole class clapped for him making a fantastic victory over Manfred. The boy that was usually very shy thought for once that he actually fit in, and that people actually might admire him. Everyone clapped except for one person... that person was Manfred. Manfred's starred at Riley with a look of extreme rage. Once the bell rang and class was over, Manfred stopped Riley to have a little chat.

"I don't lose to wimps like you, Riley," said Manfred as he pushed Manfred to the ground. "You and me are going to fight tomorrow. I'm going to beat you and your Pokémon. If you don't show up I'm just going to beat you the next day" roared Manfred as he gave Riley a hard kick in the ribs.

Once Manfred left school, Riley ran home as fast as he could, not wanting to get into another encounter like that. When he got home he sat upon the bedside for hours. He sat there staring out the window as he does so often. The boy did not know why he stared out the window. It just seemed to calm him down and take him away from his troubles. Riley examined the rough brown branches that brushed softly against his window. He noticed to ruby colored birds that sang playfully to each other while flapping about carelessly amongst each other. Seeing how these two birds got along so well made Riley think about what had happened at school today. He wondered why he and Manfred couldn't be get along as the two birds had that he was watching.

"Why can't everyone be like that?" thought Riley to himself. "Why do we have to fight so senselessly all the time?"

He knew that he could not just make friends with Manfred so he decided he must take action. He would come up with a plan to take down Manfred. He could not just let Manfred beat him tomorrow without putting up a fight. Riley knew what he would do. He would practice fighting tonight until he and Turtwig were so strong they could take down anyone like Manfred that comes in their path. Riley raced out of his room, down the stairs, and out the door. It was dark already and the only thing that lit Riley's path was moonlight. Riley reached into his pocket and grabbed the Pokéball that contained his little green friend.

"Go, Turtwig!" shouted Riley as he thrust the red Pokéball to the ground.

When the ball popped open, the stream of blue lights and intense sparks lit the grassy fields of Riley's front yard for a moment. Turtwig then appeared, looking eager to do whatever it is Riley had sent him out for. Riley looked through the grassy fields that lay behind his house for hours. Still, he did not find any Pokémon to battle. The little boy finally decided it was time to go home. He returned to his front porch and cried. What would he do if he isn't strong enough to take on Manfred? He can't just let him beat him senselessly. Suddenly, from the corner of Riley's eye, he saw a faint, glowing light. The light grew stronger as the strange figure approached him. Riley turned his head in shock. At first he thought it was a ghost. It was very small, probably a little less than a foot tall and very slender, somewhat resembling Riley. It was mostly white and it seemed to glow softly in the moonlight. It's hands and feet were green which almost made it look like it was floating gracefully across the lush green lawn. Riley then recognized the Pokémon; he had studied it last year at school. It was a Ralts!

"This is just what I need to take on Manfred! Ralts are psychic type Pokémon which should be perfect to take down Machop," said Riley excitedly.

"Turtwig, use Razor Leaf on Ralts!" yelled Riley.

The small turtle like Pokémon swayed its body around in a rhythmic motion as leaves began to rise from the ground. The leaves flowed in a perfect line towards the little white Pokémon. Suddenly, before the leaves could hit Ralts it made a strange hand motion and a swirling orb of purple lights permeated from Ralts's hand. When the leaves hit the beautiful purple orb they froze for a second then were sent flying towards Turtwig! Before the little turtle could move an inch the leaves had pounded into Turtwig. Turtwig winced in pain as the leaves pounded into him. Then, before Turtwig could make a move Ralts began making another sphere of purple energy aimed at Turtwig.

"Quickly Turtwig, charge at Ralts and use Tackle!" commanded Riley as he pointed forcefully at the ghostly white Pokémon.

Turtwig charged with all of its power towards Ralts. Just before Ralts could launch it's attack, Turtwig came hurdling into Ralts with a tackle attack. Ralts was knocked off its feet and was sent plummeting into the hard ground. Ralts lay there for a moment then seemed to float up off the ground. It stood there just gazing at Turtwig.

"Turtwig, go for another Tackle Attack!" roared Riley.

Turtwig charged again with all of its strength towards Ralts. The tiny ghost like Pokémon did not move at all. It justed stood there, staring into the eyes of its competitor. Before the little turtle Pokémon could smash into Ralts, it disappeared with a flash of light. Turtwig and Riley stood and looked around for a moment with a very confused look on their face. Suddenly the little white and green Pokémon appeared again with a flash of light, right behind Turtwig.

"Turtwig, turn around! Ralts is right behind you!" screamed Riley as he looked flabbergasted at what had just happened.

Before Turtwig could turn itself around, Ralts had fired a blast of psychic energy directly at Turtwig. Turtwig was sent flying from the pure force of the attack. It was sent flying into a nearby tree. When it landed on the ground it lay motionless for a while.

"Get up Turtwig, I know you can do it," said Riley.

Turtwig struggled for a moment then flipped its self onto its feet. Turtwig eyes blazed with fury. He wanted to win this battle. Before Riley could call for another attack, Ralts had disappeared into thin air. Then, it appeared once more behind the little turtle Pokémon. This time, Turtwig was ready. It turned around at blinding speeds and opened its jaws wide. It latched onto the tiny ghost like Pokémon and began thrashing it about wildly in his jaws. Turtwig then opened his large jaws and sent Ralts slamming into the ground. Ralts lay there motionless.

"Great job, Turtwig!" said Riley excitedly as he ran over to the injured Ralts. He reached into his pocket and grabbed an empty Pokéball. He held it out proudly then threw it onto the ground next to Ralts. Ralts was sucked into the Pokéball. The ball wiggled once, twice...

Splishee
02-03-2008, 08:53 AM
Have you booked a grader? If not, I'll be happy to grade this for you. ^_^

RonRaygunX3
02-03-2008, 12:28 PM
Have you booked a grader? If not, I'll be happy to grade this for you. ^_^
I haven't gotten a grader yet.

That would be great if you could give a grade on this.

Splishee
02-04-2008, 06:26 AM
Here is a-la grade. :P

Plot

An outcast boy named Riley started out his day like any other, ready to go to Pokemon school. Riley ran to Pokemon school, which he didn’t like all that much, but knew that if he wanted to be a trainer, he needed to go. When in battling class, he was challenged by a boy named Manfred and his Machop. After a quick - too quick - battle, Riley’s Turtwig was victorious. Manfred angrily challenged Riley again, threatening him. Riley, who was frightened, tried to train his Turtwig, but instead ran into a Ralts. Deciding that the psychic Pokemon would certainly overpower Manfred’s fighting one, he attempted to capture it.

I need to let you know, I am thoroughly sick of Pokemon Trainer School plots. They are second to worst, with the worst being ‘walk into the forest and find a Pokemon’ plot. Ralts, being a medium Pokemon, would only be just fine for this sort of plot. I’m just warning you that if you are planning to aim for higher level Pokemon, you should really shoot for creative storylines.

That said, the plot was okay for a Ralts, but some parts bothered me a bit. For example, you didn’t even mention any of the lessons that Riley had before Pokemon battle class. Although they are obviously not important to the plot line, it is important to include smaller details like this. Even if it was a simple, “While Riley knew that battle class was to commence at 12, the first lessons of the day passed slowly and surely, taunting Riley as he anticipated the upcoming lesson.”

Introduction

I really liked how you introduced the story when mentioning Riley’s personality, his place in the world, etc. Unfortunately, this unique personality is a great one for a character, but it wasn’t maintained throughout the story. His personality didn’t shine in anything that he did, nor did you describe any of the ‘thinker’ or ‘outcast’ qualities when describing Riley or things around him. This bothered me throughout the story, such as when Riley was in his first battle, and the kids just started cheering for him. Perhaps you could have described Riley’s amazement at the children, who had previously treated him as a worthless outcast, cheering for him? Riley’s personality wasn’t reflected in the battles, either. He just went straight into it. I admit, you did describe his emotions during the battle, but none of them were unique to him. Characters are a big deal for me, and although this should be in a plot grade, Riley’s personality was introduced in the introduction. It wasn’t consistant.

Apart from those flaws, I quite liked your descriptions of Riley. They were nice and flowing, but you kind of thrust them infront of the reader’s face. The descriptions of Riley’s personality were great, but the descriptions could have blended in with the story more so. Such as how you described his ‘twig shaped body’ in the second paragraph. Very creatively done. ^_^

Length

Ralts is a medium level Pokemon, so you should aim 10 - 20 thousand characters. Your story just barely scraped the minimum, being roughly 11 K. This is fine, but, this being your fifth story, you should be aiming higher than this. 15 K of characters should be where your aiming, being a pretty experienced writer.

Grammar

Your grammar was, overall, not so good.

Most of your sentences had many commas missing, or were weirdly constructed. Meaning that they didn’t make sense or were hard to read. You had many spelling errors too, so I can’t stress enough how important it is to look over your work. However, I was reading your previous stories and I’ve seen how much you’ve improved, so I’ve cut you some slack. I suggest reading over the story and spotting out the many grammar mistakes that are similar to the ones below, and even some others that weren’t too important to mention, but are nonetheless there.

Riley sat with his head perched on his hand as he sat on the corner of his bed and gazed out of the dirty window that provided most of the light for his room

This is an awkward sentence. Firstly, you mentioned that Riley ‘sat’ two times in a row, and it would have been better if you had used another verb or adverb. It makes the sentence seem uncreative and plain.

Secondly, there is a lack of commas in this sentence. Read through it. Can you say that entire sentence in one breath? Don’t you think that a comma would be useful there? Does it seem harder to process in your mind, as the entire sentence is clumped into one? It would probably look better as:

Riley sat, with his head perched on his hand, as he skulked in the corner of his room and gazed out of the dirty window, which provided most of the light in his small, crowded room.

I added a few more adjectives in for fun, but do you see what I mean?

As he walked to class his feet squeaked on the shiny blue floors of the school

This is just another example of your comma dilemma. Grammatically and easier-to-read-wise, there should be a comma after ‘class’. When reading it, you would naturally pause after that word, as you are starting a slightly different topic.

Suddenly from the corner of Riley's eye he saw a faint glowing light.

I know you’re probably sick of comma examples, but I included this one because it was in a different context. ‘From the corner of Riley’s eye’ is extra information in the sentence, giving the reader more insight into what was happening. You can read the sentence without that part, yes? ‘Suddenly he saw a faint glowing light’.

So, ‘from the corner from Riley’s eye’ should be separated by either commas, dashes or brackets. In this situation, it would probably be by commas or dashes, to imply that it is separate from the sentence.

Also, there should be a comma after ‘faint’, as you are using multiple adjectives on the same noun, so it is basically a list. And lists are separated by commas. ^_^

‘Suddenly, from the corner of Riley’s eye, he saw a faint, glowing light.”

The small twig shaped boys heart sank as his teacher called the name of his partner

The entire paragraph which this sentence was in had many topics in it. It should have been separated into two paragraphs, as it described him walking into the school, and then started describing him at a different time, walking into a 12 o’clock battling class.

Anyway, this sentence is a simple possession error. You are talking about the boy, and it was his heart that was sinking. So it would be ‘the boy’s heart’, as the apostrophe implies possession.

"Turtwig, use Tackle." said Riley nervously

Practically EVERY paragraph of dialogue included a grammatical error, minus 2 or so. When writing speech, making the person who spoke speak after the dialogue, you must put a comma, not a full stop. You are still technically continuing the sentence, so it isn’t a full stop.

“Turtwig, use Tackle,” said Riley nervously.

Here’s another example:

"Turtwig, go for another Tackle Attack! roared Riley.

You started repeating this error near the end. You repeatedly forgot to write that last speech mark, so just remember to double check your work for next time.

It should be:

“Turtwig, go for another Tackle Attack!” roared Riley.

He sat there starring out the window as he does so often

Here is an example of a spelling error. ‘Starring’ should be ‘staring’, I presume? Again, make sure to double check your writing!

Before Turtwig could move an inch the leafs had pounded into Turtwig

Another spelling mistake. Seeing as this is your 5th story, I’m being a little more harsh on you - you really should be improving. ‘Leafs’ is not the plural of ‘leaf’, the plural is ‘leaves’.

I’ll leave it at that, but I hope that you look through the story after reading this. :]

Description

I have mixed feelings about your descriptions. You described a lot of things very well, but it seemed to me that you only chose to describe certain things when it suited you.

You must be sure to describe absolutely everything in your story with detail, as you seemed to slack off in various parts of the story where you didn’t want to describe them. Even if it may be boring to describe, or you feel like you can’t describe it any better than you have, you must make sure you write everything in the story to the best of your ability. Before the first battle and a little bit through it, the description of many things were a bit bare, and thrusting descriptions infront of our face apart from going deeper into it.

Here is an example of when you described something especially well:

A wide array of food lay before him; golden crisped waffles that glistened with a light coating of maple syrup and two sunny side up eggs. Although he was small in proportions, he had the appetite of a Grumpig.

I absolutely loved that, especially the part where you compared him to the Grumpig.

Now, here is an example of where I felt that you slacked off a bit:

Once Manfred left Riley ran home as fast as he could, not wanting to get into another encounter like that. When he got home he sat upon the bedside for hours. He sat there starring out the window as he does so often. Riley examined the birds that played upon the tree outside his window.

What were Riley’s real emotions at this particular point? You shifted the perspective to running home from school, to him sitting in his room and something about birds without the slightest hint of description. What did the birds look like? Why was he even looking at them in the first place? Did they make him feel calm?

Make sure to describe everything with the detail and flowing beauty that you had described the first example with. However, reading over your previous stories, I do realise that you have improved much more than before, but you should try and aim higher. ^_^

Battle

The battles were probably the highlights of your story, with everything else falling a little weak, I’m afraid. Your writing abilities really flared up when you described all of the attacks in the story, and, unlike a lot of the other things you attempted to describe, it was consistent throughout the entire battle.

The first battle left much to be desired, however. Although 2 battles for a medium Pokemon is probably over-average, there was no need to make it a fairly weak one. The entire battle was only 3 attacks, even though they were described pretty well. How exactly would a Turtwig defeat a Machop with only 2 attacks? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t Machops generally tougher than Turtwigs? It was one-sided and lacking in realism, I’m afraid.

Your second battle was definitely the best, and I liked how you added in the Ralts using his psychic abilities to defend himself from Turtwig’s attacks. It was fairly two-sided, so kudos for that. Grammar-wise, however, it looked as though the majority of the battle was rushed. Most of your spelling mistakes occurred in this battle, and there were quite a few grammar errors. Apart from that, this battle was really good, I’m impressed. ^_^

Final Outcome

It was really close, with all of the areas not being that bad - but not necessarily excellent, either. Being this is your 5th story, and the only real ‘WOW’ factor was the second battle, I’m going to have to say Ralts NOT captured.

If you want another shot, once you fix up all of the things I suggested I’ll be happy to re-grade it for you.

RonRaygunX3
02-06-2008, 12:29 AM
Wow, I feel stupid after reading over my story and seeing all those errors. D:

Well, I decided to take another shot at this and fixed all of the comma and spelling errors and added a little extra to the story.

Hope it's good enough this time. :O

Splishee
02-07-2008, 05:33 AM
Re-grade:

Alright, I read over your story and I was pleased to see that you tried, with effort, to fix up all of the things that I had mentioned. Your description improved a lot, and I thank you for bolding the bits which you added/changed. Reading from the grade I gave and the newly improved story, I see that you covered practically everything I suggested. Good work! I have no problem saying: Ralts captured!