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The Jr Trainer
02-02-2008, 07:41 PM
Lol, another boring and dull story. :P Probably with a lot of grammar mistakes even though I checked it over. :/ Have fun grading this... whoever does grade it. :P

The Ice Temple

Kevin slowly walked out of the Pokemon Center and started to run at the sight of his enemy: Snipe, as every called him. He had the aim of a hawk with his fists, head, mouth, foot, anything. Kevin wasn’t the tallest person ever, but he sure could get sprinting off fast. He was picked on quite a bit, only because of his deep love for Pokemon. Everyone else liked Pokemon, but no one liked, or loved for that matter, them as much as Kevin did.

Snipe chased after him with a quick pace, but nothing as fast as Kevin’s, for a small kid he would defend himself easily, by running of course. Close combat was not his kind of thing. He’d rather be in the place with an adult or some kind. Not getting beat up was his hope, but it always happened. Luckily he was close enough to his home to out run Snipe for a bit and run inside his home.

“I’m going to get you one day!” yelled Snipe from the cement sidewalk. Snipe was a big hefty guy. He had a nice bulk of muscle in his body. He was the star lines men in football on the high school varsity team. At the age of sixteen, he was huge. He had gotten three scholarships to different collages already.

As Kevin slammed the small, white painted door, along with the screen door he ran up the stairs which went up in a spiral. His silky brown hair flew in the wind coming in from the open windows. It was summer time, no school for a long while. Kevin had his eye on catching a few Pokemon over the break from school, but hadn’t had a chance to. Always trying to beat his towns Gym Leader: Brock. Living in Pewter he had a nice challenge. The first badge of the region of Kanto.

Slowly reaching his room as swear rolled down his face he sat down in the chair next to his computer, “Beaten again! Dang,” he said after his lose from Brock for the… seventh time. Though he’d wanted to get a water or ice Pokemon soon. That way he could beat the rock gym leader easier, since all he had right now was an Aipom and Magby, he couldn’t really do much damage to the powers of the rock types.

“What’s a way to get damage done on those Pokemon. I can’t teach Aipom any extra moves like Water Pulse… that’d be too expensive…” he thought out his plans then came to a conclusion, but they never seemed to work. Nothing he tried seemed to work. Loving his Pokemon wasn’t enough he proposed, lots of his friends beat Brock with ease. Some of them even traveled to and got other gym badges. But Kevin, a small young blonde boy at the age of sixteen was having trouble with the first gym leader in the region.

---

Weeks pasted and Kevin trained his small Pokemon, never being able to beat Brock on his weekly shot at beating the gym. Slowly becoming a laughingstock and getting bullied and pick on more. He was small for his age, very, very small. He was only about five foot four inches.

“What do I have to do!?” yelled the small kid as he smashed his hands on his messy computer desk in the corner of his messy room. Everything he has is messy, or unorganized in some form. He couldn’t do anything good, not a single thing.

As he went into a nice nightly slumber he had a dream… something to help him beat the crud out of Brock and his Rock type Pokemon. He sleep soundly that night, in the mornings after he felt rejuvenated. Like a new person, with a new brain and brilliant new ideas.

~~~

“Kevin… wake up, dear,” said a nice sweet voice from right above Kevin.

“What… what is this?” sparked the young boy, who now saw he wasn’t in his house, or neighborhood, or even city anymore. It was a place, a kingdom almost, of crystals or what looked like crystals. But they were cold and frozen looking.

“This is, the Ice Temple. In the Ice Kingdom,” replied the women now standing near Kevin in a another sweet and sincere voice..

“Ice Kingdom?” said the dazed and not knowing boy.

“This is a place where Ice Pokemon roam free without any restriction, though if they travel too far they get punished,” replied the lady, “here, come with me.” she grabbed Kevin by the arm and pulled him in the direction to a giant palace looking building.

Eventually, as Kevin slowly awoke from his what seemed to be slumber, he walked without the pull of the ladies hand. She looked at him as he wiggled out of her grasp with a surprised look. “People don’t usually adapt to the cold so fast.” just then, Kevin felt a cold breeze on his arms and legs, and all over his body. The temperature was just now getting to him, he realized that he was now in a icy and freezing area.

“GET ME INSIDE!!!” screamed the slowly freezing boy, he ran ahead of the young women who was wearing a dress, it was the color of ice.

She ran along with him, trying to catch up, but couldn’t quite since she wasn’t the most athletic person. But, luckily, Kevin found his own way into the palace, then along came the young women. Still not being able to introduce herself.

“Wow, kid, you run pretty darn fast.”

“Hehe, I know,” laughed Kevin rubbing his cold arms in search of making them warm, “is is always this cold?”

“It usually colder than this. It’s awkwardly warm today, something about the Fire Kingdom coming, well that’s what King Kalk said,” replied the young women who at first look was sweating, but really had ice incrusted on her face.

Kevin looked astonished, trying to think of how someone could live in such cold weathers. “Wait… it’s usually warmer!? Are you kidding me?” he giggled out and just about broke out laughing.

The young women nodded. “And by the way, my name is Laura.”

Kevin nodded as she had and wondered why she brought him here, or why he came here or how he even got here in the first place. “You probably have a lot of questions…” Laura said as she walked down the icy hallway. Kevin started to walk down the hallway along with her, looking around he saw many icicles, everything was ice, the walls, ceiling, floor which the boy slipped on every once and a while. Though the hallways and doorways that Kevin could see through were oddly empty, he just tried to keep up with Laura as she got faster and faster walking down the hallway.

They slowly approached a big door, to each side of it were hallways that were only about three feet tall and four or five feet wide. The closer they got to the door the bigger and more beauteous it got. Ice was what looked like splattered all over it. Laura was about two inches from, just standing.

“What… what is this?” Kevin asked with a nervous expression.

“This is, is, the kings room.,” she started, “you were brought here for a reason. One of your beloved Pokemon has run away, and you will have to go find and capture it.” Kevin got more and more nervous by the second. He knew he wasn’t a good trainer, or battler. He also noticed he didn’t have his Pokemon belt with him.

“How… am I going to catch a Pokemon, you don’t have any equipment with me.”

“All will me explained soon enough, young one,” told Laura.

The ice covered doors slowly cracked open, as they did ice fell from the ceiling and down onto the hard floor cracking into little pieces, almost as glass did just these were much finer. “God, this always happens. Soon we aren’t going to have a ceiling.”

“That wouldn’t be good,” Kevin said as the two walked into the from that the doors had opened to.

A giant room is was, down quite a ways there was a chair, which was of course, made of ice. The king sat there waiting impatiently for us to walk down the red carpet. Kevin looked around seeing the big, about ten foot windows on the walls of the big room, the sun shined it, though it was also snowing outside. A mix of weather, a weird mix at least.

Finally making it a few steps from the king and his big chair the king began the making questions to Laura, “Ah. So this is the boy?” asked the king is a very deep voice, Laura nodded, “I thought that he’d be a big more, eh, meaty.”

Kevin grew a smirk on his face. “Well sir, uh, king, I am pretty quick on the feet.” the big king laughed and chuckled and laughed some more.

“Fast, eh? That might be good, if you can last the freezing cold,” he said back, now getting a more serious tone in his voice. Kevin shied back in fear.

“Don’t be scared. All I have is a simple plan for you: you must find and capture our lost Snorunt. It’s a orange Pokemon on the back, then has a little black face,” the king said as he waved Kevin to come over to him. “Here take these three things,” the big man with a white beard handed Kevin a card with a picture of the so called ‘Snorunt,’ and half red and half white orb and another orb, but this one was icy and cold. Almost froze your hand at the touch.

The king point out the hallway and said to go to the left, the rest will be Kevin’s own trip. Kevin readied himself and got running down the big red carpet, and down the left hallway though it was mighty small, he had to crouch down a bit so that he could get through it. He saw a big light and knew that it was the exit, or entrance to his journey to find Snorunt, though he didn’t know why he had to find it.

As he exited the little hole he saw the sun, it was getting brighter and brighter by the minutes, then he remembered what Laura said, something about the Fire Kingdom. Maybe the Snorunt had valuable information, Kevin didn’t know. All he knew was that he had to get the Snorunt with what was in the Pokeball he had given to him.

The ground was wet and snowy in parts, sometimes it was just grass, or wet grass, or even mud. The terrain seemed to swiftly change all the time. At times it was easier to run, others it was easier to walk. It wasn’t in any periodic pattern either. Just randomly changing over and over.

Kevin could see a forest in the distance, it seemed to get easier to travel from here, maybe it was the middle of the fire and ice Kingdoms. Kevin began to think he was dreaming. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. “I must find that Snorunt. I can’t take these constant weather and terrain, and everything changes!” he kept going though, once reaching the forest he saw a sign it read ‘Weenest [Paths Between Kingdoms].’ Kevin kept walking his way through, there were branches of trees covered with snow, then other that looked burnt from the intense sun.

Noises were made from all over, at times it was Pokemon battling, or mating, or talking, or eating. This was the weirdest thing Kevin had ever seen or heard. “Snorunt, come here, boy… or girl,” he whistled softly.

Something came out of the trees and bushes of the forest. What was it? It was orange, and black and the king had described, Kevin looked at the small card he’d got, the one in the picture on the card had a small hat, or what looked like hat, on. “You’re not the one I was looking for…” Kevin kept looking through the forest, eventually just going into the trees and bushes, but came out empty handed.

He got to the end of the forest, which had, had pretty nice weather; not too cold, not too warm, just what the young boy had been used to. “I don’t think I’m ever going to find it,” he sighed as he sat down on the ground which he didn’t expect to be so hot. “OW!” he yelled at the touch of the ground, now he was even sweating. He looked up into the sky and had one though <I must be in the Fire Kingdom.>

He wiped the sweat off of his face, which was now burning, and went on a slow hunt to find the Snorunt, he saw many fire types walking and running through the plains of the Kingdom, but no orange Pokemon, he’d figured he was dead, or something of the sort.

“Snorunt,” he whistled again, but this time he got a response from a fire horse like Pokemon. He had fire shooting from its back, and was a very bland white color. “Oh lord…” Kevin said as he ran from the horse, then seeing a giant castle in front of him. “What in the world…” this one was about twice the size of the temple in the Ice Kingdom. He was afraid of going there, but also afraid of going back and seeing that fire horse again.

Then, all the sudden, he saw something that was orange jumping around in the front of the castle. It had something on its head. “Oh yes! It must be Snorunt!!!” Kevin over exaggeratedly said.

He ran over to it, not caring if he was going to burn to death or not, he just wanted to get out of this kingdom as soon as possible. When he was a few feet from the Snorunt he threw the Pokeball that he was given and it opened with a ray of red light a Pokemon came out a small orange crab came out, it had two equal sized claws and seven small little peach colored legs. “Krabby… hmm, use Crab Hammer!” commanded Kevin.

The small crab charged over to the unaware of the incoming shot was hit right on the top of the head, just a bit left from the little hat looking thing it was wearing. Now aware of the battle, it shot out a blast of ice, though that didn’t do anything because of the extreme heat, it just melted and evaporated in seconds.

“Hmm, Krabby. Use a Guillotine attack!” the small crab, still standing near Snorunt tried to grasp the small black and orange Pokemon and shatter it. But Snorunt dodged and smashed into one of the crab’s legs with its pointed tip of its head. Krabby took a big hit and could hardly stand.

Now it was just a bashing back and forth match, Kevin had no influence at all, he tried to call out attacks, but Krabby didn’t listen it was Krabby smashing and whacking Snorunt with its claws and Snorunt Headbutting, Krabby with its, obviously, head.

Several hours passed and the small Pokemon still fought it out, both severally injured Kevin wanted to take a shot now. “Go.. Er, Pokeball!” he threw the blue icy Pokeball at the pained Snorunt, the Snorunt was absorbed into a flash of red and the ball hit the ground, water leaking off… it wiggled and wiggled, once, twice…

---

Pokemon: Snorunt; Medium; 10-20k
Have: 13,826

Have fun failing me. ^^; xD

pikahero2
02-03-2008, 09:09 AM
Can I have this? Thanks man, BTW, how's Cuba going?

The Jr Trainer
02-04-2008, 08:17 PM
Can I have this? Thanks man, BTW, how's Cuba going?

If you were waiting for a reply... yes you can grade it. If you forgot about it or something, then here's a reminder by me bumping the thread. :tongue:

pikahero2
02-04-2008, 08:23 PM
Alright, I'll edit this post with something soon. :x

Story

This was really enjoyable and interesting. I loved your wording and the general flow of the story. You gave everything a good introduction needs. You gave where, what, who, why and how. Those are very important aspects in a story, and a lot of people ruin the flow of their story by adding them in, but you had a solid story and I didn't see the flow break at anytime. You did a spectacular job at this overall, I could see Kevin clearly, though you could of included what age Kevin was, just to make me see him better, but it doesn't really matter. I loved how the situation instantly changed; from calm >> to running away from a "maniac", it was just really cool and exciting. Well done on this either way, you provided the introduction, the aspects and the information neccasary for a story. The battle did finish rather quick though, it adds suspence if you don't just 'poof' it into the end of the match, it would have lengthend it up a bit also. You also provided the 'hook' on the very first sentence, usually some writers only develope it on the 4-5th line, but you just let it out, and it was a really cool 'hook'. ^^;

Length

The length is just fine. You could of elaborated the plot more, of fleshed out some more description. It would lengthen the story up a bit. Remember, it's always good to aim for around what you have, though it's ok to go over the maximum, just to show some effort. Remember, not quantity, qaulity. x3

Spelling/Gramamr

This was actually pretty strong. xD You had some incorrect wording here and there, and some misplaced comma's, aswell as a few typos, but it's nothing that would distract me away from the story. Remember to always add the "é" instead of a regular "e", as the pronounciation doesn't sound the same. Remember also to read over your story, just to see if you yourself can spot the mistakes. It helps you in your grammar aswell as the grammar/spelling in your story. You can also read over the story to see if you worded anything wrong, or if something needs a comma or anything like that. You had a few spelling mistakes, like typos and things, misplaced commas, I'll show them to you.

Everyone else liked Pokemon, but no one liked, or loved for that matter, them as much as Kevin did.

This was just worded wrong, there are two possibilities. a) You could have put "them" before "loved", and removed "them" before the "as".

He was the star lines men in football on the high school varsity team.

Well, unless theirs more than one star line man, then it should be "man".

As Kevin slammed the small, white painted door, along with the screen door he ran up the stairs which went up in a spiral.

I beleive their should be a comma after "stairs".

The first badge of the region Kanto.

This was also some incorrect wording, I've tried a few accurate guess's on what it should be, but it's something to do with the word "region".

Like a new person, with a new brain and brilliant idea's.

You don't need the comma there. ^_^


“What… what is this?” sparked the young boy, who now saw he wasn’t in his house, or neighborhood, or even city anymore

"nieghboorhood" is spelt incorrectly, a small typo, just needs another "o".

“GET ME INSIDE!!!” screamed the slowly freezing boy,

The comma should be a ";".

he ran ahead of the young women who was wearing a dress, it was the color of ice.

Color is spelt differently in a lot of places, so I'm not sure weather that should have the "u", depends on where your from.

“It usually colder than this. It’s awkwardly warm today, something about the Fire Kingdom coming, well that’s what King Kalk said,

"It" should be "It's", as it likes incorect wording. x3

Still not being able to introduce herself

I beleive herself should be "her".

Kevin looked astonished, trying to think of how someone could live in such cold weathers. “Wait… it’s usually warmer!? Are you kidding me?”

There should be a semi-colon instead of a comma after "astonished".

Though the hallways and doorways that Kevin could see through were oddly empty, he just tried to keep up with Laura as she got faster and faster walking down the hallway.

There should be a comma after "Laura".

The ice covered doors slowly cracked open,

"Ice covored" should be "ice-covored".

“That wouldn’t be good,” Kevin said as the two walked into the from that the doors had opened to.

Here you just had the words in the wrong order, instead of "to from", use "the".

You hadn't really anymore spelling or grammar mistakes after that. I found a comma or two out of place, and a few misplaced words and incorrect wording, but it was nothing to direct that I should show it, good job with the grammar.

Description

Your descriptions were so vivid. I could see pretty much everything excellently, it was really nice descriptions. You gave us a clear view of what Kevin looked like, and the bully. You really did a great job with all of your descriptions. I loved your choice of adjectives and words. They were all so interesting and exciting. I'm so happy that you didn't use boring descriptions like for example; when you talked about the spiral stairs, someone else would have used the word "round". But your description was really unique. You gave us the personality of everyone so well.

Your smells were aswell, you told us when there was an enchanting musk, or a horrible odour, or a terrific fragrance. Your description was just great, honestly it was. You painted a picture in your story, no matter what scene it was, I could see it, and that's what every writer should try and do. If they can paint a picture on a canvas, why can't they do it on a forum? You did a remarkable job on all your descriptions, they were so vivid and really brought the story to life wonderfully. I'm really happy with how you did this. Everything was clear to me, excellent job Jr.

You even described the Pokémon, which is something a lot of people do not do, instead of giving a brief description, you gave a really interesting and top-notch description, well done so much for that.

Battle

This was just perfect. :3 It wasn't too short, and it wasn't monstorously long, it was just in between, it was short (medium) and simple. You picked out some nice move combos at time, and It's good that you actually put some effort into them. I liked how you used your surroundings to take advantage of the situation. It really showed off your creativity (show off!) and imagination. You had soooo much suspence in this story, I was biting my nails half the time reading it, just waiting for something even moorrreee exciting to happen. You were honestly very creative at times, so kudos to that Jr, kudos.

Outcome

If you don't know the outcome, I'm going to hit you in the head with a frying pan. :P Snorunt Captured! Have fun with the little Snow-runt. :3