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Drakala
02-03-2008, 08:44 PM
Violet’s First Battle
Going for Ekans, Simple
Characters needed:5-10K
Have: 7,800


“Free at last!” Violet shouted to the sky as she burst from the front doors of the Viridian Pokemon Academy. Today she had to take the Pokemon Care Test, one of five tests you had to pass to get your trainer license, and become an official Pokemon trainer. The PCT consisted of fifty questions about feeding, grooming, and general care of your Pokemon, otherwise known as the easiest test ever. As soon as she was out the looming school, Violet took out the ribbon from hair, freeing her wavy brown hair from the mandatory bun the school required. Only one more test to take before I can leave this school forever Violet thought cheerfully as she walked home. Violet’s dream, like so many other kids, was to be Pokemon trainer, what twelve year old wouldn’t like the idea of traveling around with your own assortment of super powerful Pokemon?

After a few minutes of walking though the peaceful streets of Viridian City, Violet reached her home, a modest looking brick house with small, emerald green bushes out front. When Violet opened the front door, the first thing she noticed was the smell of fresh baked cookies.

“Hey, Mom, I’m home!” the girl shouted as she made her way into the house.
“I’m in the kitchen!” Violet’s mom shouted back to her daughter.

Violet walked down the short hallway that connected to the kitchen. The heels of Violet’s shoes clicked noisily as the floor switched from blue carpet of the hallway to the hard white tiles of the kitchen. As Violet walked into the room, she saw a plate of chocolate chip cookies on a plate on the stove, her mom was leaning contently on one of the rooms blue walls, green eyes half closed as she munched on one of the cookies.

“Hey, mom, do you mind if I take a quick walk by the Viridian forest?” Violet asked as she grabbed one of the warm cookies from the plate.

“Okay, dear, just change out of your school uniform, and be sure to be back before dark.”

“Thanks Mom.” Violet said happily as she left the room.

After a few minutes, Violet changed out of her blue and white uniform, and into a black T-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans.

“See ya, Mom!” Violet said as she quickly left the house, and jogged toward the forest.

Violet smiled happily as she entered the forest, the thick foliage above turning the sunlight into a soothing green as it filtered though. The forest has always seemed like a magical place to her and she often visited just for the experience of walking though the familiar trails.

Violet was just starting to enjoy her walk through the forest, when the normal sound of bug Pokemon flitting around was shattered by a deep roar. From the sound of it, Violet believed it to be a battle cry of some sort of large Pokemon, just then another roar was heard, and Violet decided to investigate, running toward the sound.

As Violet burst from the thick emerald foliage, she gasped at the scene of destruction in front of her. Deep gorges in the ground and fallen trees made a makeshift ring around two Pokemon, the first one she noticed was a large Blastoise, this surprised her because she knew that Pokemon like that were very rare away from water. The second Pokemon was an Ekans, a terrified look in its reptilian eyes as the snake looked around trying to find an escape route.

Violet knew that Pokemon in the wild sometimes fought over food or territory, but knew that it was unnatural for these two species to fight on another, so this must be a trainer battle, Violet decided. Violet looked around for a trainer but couldn’t see anyone, until she heard a male voice to her left.

“Okay, Blastoise, finish it with Hydro Cannon!” the teenage boy seem to just magically appear from the forest, unsurprising because of his green shirt and pants, but she was surprised to see that it was Kalen, a boy that used to be her neighbor before he left on his Pokemon journey.

“What do you think you are doing!” Violet shouted angrily, causing both trainer and Pokemon to flinch, allowing the target of the Hydro Cannon to dodge the attack.

“What does it look like I’m doing,” the teenager said, furious his attack was messed up, “I’m training my Blastoise, duh.”

“Don’t you think Blastoise would be better off fighting more powerful Pokemon, picking a fight with a Pokemon that has no chance of winning is against the rules.” Violet shot back, pointing to the purple snake that was still trying to find a way to escape.

Kalen glared at the girl in front of him, “what do you know about Pokemon? From the looks of it, you don’t even own one.”

Violet flushed angrily, but didn’t say anything.

Meanwhile, Kalen looked back at his Blastoise, who was watching the Ekans on the ground closely.
“Blastoise, use Flash Cannon!” Kalen ordered.

The Blastoise aimed the two cannons on its shell at Ekans; one cannon began to glow inside, before shooting out a ray of sparkling light.

“NO!” Violet shouted without thinking, “Ekans go underground!”

To Violets surprise, the snake Pokemon dug into the ground, making the Flash Cannon miss harmlessly.

Kalen glared at the girl again, “What do you think you are doing! You can’t order wild Pokemon!”

“I also can’t let you battle a defenseless Pokemon with that Blastoise!” Violet shot back.

“Ekans, come up and use bite!” Violet ordered the wild snake.

Once again the Pokemon obeyed, and shot out of the dirt directly below Blastoise, Biting down hard on the turtle’s blue leg.

“Shake that worm off, Blastoise!” Kalen ordered.

Blastoise began kicking its leg, managing to dislodge the snake Pokemon from its stubby leg.

“Ekans! Use Poison Sting!” Violet commanded, all the lessens about battling that she learned in school were flooding back to her.

“Withdraw in to your shell, now!” Kalen shouted as Ekans let out a stream of sharp purple needles from its mouth. The Shellfish Pokemon curled up in its shell, the needles breaking harmlessly on its steel hard shell.

“I’m done with this nonsense!” Kalen shouted, frustrated, “use Hydro Cannon.”

Blastoise stood still a moment, focusing its energy, before lowering its cannons, both filling up with blue energy.

“Steady Ekans,” Violet said calmly to the frightened snake Pokemon.

Then, with a shock wave of power, Blastoise fires the Hydro Cannon, sending a huge blast of water toward Ekans.

“Dig, Ekans!” Violet called out the second the attack was launched.

Ekans immediately dug into the ground, the Hydro Cannon barley touching the tip of the snake’s tail. Blastoise, after launching the attack, stood totally still, exhausted from using the attack.

“Now come up and use Sludge Bomb!” Violet said happily.

The snake popped up a few feet from the immobilized turtle Pokemon, and opened its mouth, a stench entered the air as a ball of pure poison filled the Ekans’s mouth. After a few second of charging, Ekans fired the attack, covering Blastoise in purple sludge. Suddenly Blastoise’s face became a nasty shade of green, and the Pokemon seemed to stagger slightly.

Kalen pulled out a Pokeball from his belt, and returned Blastoise. “This is such a waste of time.” he said under his breath.

“Aww… is Kallie upset because he couldn’t beat a girl using a wild Pokemon?” Violet said teasingly.

“I’m out of here.’ Kalen said sourly. Walking away.

“See ya!” Violet chirped after him, proud at how well she did in the battle.

As Violet turned around to leave, she noticed that the Ekans had come up to her, cocking its head to the side curiously.

"Would you like to travel together, Ekans?" Violet asked the snake suddenly, hope shining in her eyes.

The snake Pokemon looked up at the girl, who had helped it through the toughest battle of its life, The Pokemon considered the offer a moment before...
__________________

Splishee
02-04-2008, 08:31 AM
Here's your grade! ^_^

Plot

A girl named Violet has just finished one of the easiest exams in her Pokemon trainer school, and is happy that she can finally taste the freedom of not being cooped up in a test room. After running home and randomly eating cookies from her mother, she travels into a nearby forest and finds her previous neighbour, Kalen, training his Blastoise on a weak Ekans. Violet is appalled by the unfairness of it all, so she teams up with Ekans to try and defend against Blaistoise. Kalen bitterly withdraws Blaistoise after he is hurt by the pathetic Pokemon, leaving Violet to offer the Ekans the chance to travel with her.

You’re new to writing stories, yeah? Well, congratulations, you avoided writing the same old unoriginal plot that most first time writers use - the ‘hyperactive trainer wanders into a forest and finds a Pokemon and catches it’ plot. Although your plot included the forest bit, I LOVED how you incorporated her knowledge from the trainers school, which was mentioned previously, to defend the Ekans.

For an Ekans, the plot is excellent. However, with your writing ability, I can see you coming up with more original plots for harder level Pokemon. The part where she wandered home to talk to her mother was a little.. Random. It seemed to me that you were just trying to fill up space in the story, as it didn’t have a particular meaning to the plot. Perhaps you could have made the mother give Violet some crucial advice, which Violet could remember and use later on in the battle with Blastoise? Try to make everything in your story relevant to the plot in any way possible.

Introduction

I liked it. You covered the ‘who, what, where, when and why’ basis excellently - mentioning the over-used dream of an aspiring tween to become a Pokemon trainer. But no matter - for your first story, and for a simple level Pokemon, this was fine. What really matters is how good the introduction was written, and it was written perfectly for this level.

I loved the idea of the Pokemon Grooming Test - very original, not just the common ‘battling exam’ or such that most writers would incorporate into their story.

One thing I need to mention, though, is your lack of description for Violet herself. Sure, you mentioned she had wavy brown hair.. But what else? I imagined her skin milky white, her facial features nice and sharp.. Her school uniform checkered, with a very short skirt, sort of like a rebel. You started including descriptions, but it started and ended at the hair, before continuing again a short while later, where you mentioned that she had changed out of her school uniform. Make sure to mention what kind of appearance your main character has, and, for a more advanced story, a more in depth personality.

Length

You were very resourceful, as you already knew how many characters were expected for Ekans. Well done - in my first story, I had no clue about those kinds of things! So, your length was smack-bang in the middle - good job! That’s at least where you should be aiming to ensure a capture.

Grammar

Ah, my favourite section. I won’t be too hard on you, being that it’s your first story, and you’re relatively new to the URPG. But I am a self confessed Grammar Nazi..

I must admit, your grammar was pretty good! I can tell that you went over it a couple of times, paying attention specifically to your grammar and wording. That’s what I like to see in writers, as a story that isn’t constructed properly doesn’t go down well with me, and most other graders, too.

I just have a few crucial errors to mention, the rest were either too hard to find (:oops:) or not important enough to mention - probably just silly mistakes. Hey - we all make them!

Only one more test to take before I can leave this school forever Violet thought cheerfully as she walked home

This is a thought by Violet, which, in stories, is similar to constructing speech - without the speech marks. You should have made it somewhat different to the text before, as it is thought by the character - very much different to all the other normal descriptions in the story. I would suggest maybe putting it in italics, or even a different paragraph. Also, put a comma after the thought is finished, as it shows that the ‘Violet thought’ is separate to the speech/thought thing.

It should be something like:

Only one more test to take before I can leave this school forever, Violet thought cheerfully as she walked home.

“Okay, Blastoise, finish it with Hydro Cannon!” the teenage boy seem to just magically appear from the forest

There are two things wrong with this phrase. Firstly, ‘the teenage boy’ isn’t related directly to the speech (which would be ‘the teenage boy said’), so it should start with a capital, as it would be a different sentence all together. Secondly, you made a past/present/future tense error - the entire story is in past tense, yet the word ‘seem’ is in present tense. So, it should have been ‘seemed’, which is the past tense version of ‘seem’. Tense error, or silly mistake? I don’t know, but I’m letting you know just to be safe.

“Don’t you think Blastoise would be better off fighting more powerful Pokemon, picking a fight with a Pokemon that has no chance of winning is against the rules.”

‘Don’t you think’ is the beginning of a question, no matter how indirect it seems. So, for the sentence to make more sense, there should have been a question mark after ‘Pokemon’, making the question complete.

It should be something like:

“Don’t you think Blastoise would be better off fighting more powerful Pokemon? Picking a fight with a Pokemon that has no chance of winning is against the rules.”

“I’m out of here.’ Kalen said sourly. Walking away.

3 errors here, 2 of them probably silly mistakes. The first error is that you started the speech with speech marks, but ended it with an apostraphe. XD. If you had looked through it carefully, you would have spotted this. ^_^

Secondly, I noticed that you ended the speech with a full stop. Grammatically, all speech should end with a comma if a character is directly saying that speech after it. Since you said ‘Kalen said sourly’, there should be a comma before the last speech mark. It isn’t the end of a sentence, it’s the same sentence - the comma is to separate the speech and the speaker. Of course, if you had said: ‘“I’m out of here.” Kalen began to walk away.’ - That would be fine with the full stop, as Kalen is not related to the speech in any way - making it a new sentence.

And lastly, probably a silly mistake, ‘Walking away’ is not a sentence. You probably meant that full stop before ‘walking’ to be a comma, yeah? :P

So, all of that should be:

“I’m out of here,” Kalen said sourly, walking away.

All that said, there were also a few spelling mistakes floating around in there. However, they wouldn’t have showed up on MS word because they are actually real words - just used in the wrong context. For example, in one sentence you wrote ‘lessens’ when it was, presumably, supposed to be ‘lessons’. :P These mistakes are the ones to watch out for, because the computer won’t help you there.

Overall, those were really the only grammar mistakes I could fine - so well done! Very good grammar in this story, so I’m satisfied for this grade section.

Description

For a simple level Pokemon, your description was excellent. Although it was fairly weak in the whole story in comparison to the great descriptions in the battle, it was still good enough. Your forte appears to be describing objects, scenery, etc.. so I would suggest working on describing people’s emotions and such. You expressed Violet’s horror in Kalen battling the poor little Arbok in dialogue, but how did she actually feel? Have a go at describing your character’s feelings about certain situations - it makes the story seem much more sophisticated.

Also, some more constructive criticism, I would suggest describing the appearance of your characters more. Like I said in the introduction, all I got from Violet was that she was wearing a school uniform and had brown, wavy hair. I knew, roughly, what Kalen was wearing, but it was described in an uncreative fashion - thrust right infront of my eyes. I would have liked to read something like:

‘The boy was unmistakable; the limber way he moved, the reflection off his lime green parka and the determined, steady gaze were all characteristics of him. Violet called out to her former neighbor, watching as his sky blue eyes widened in horror at the site of the short, annoyed girl.”

I added in some descriptions of Violet in there, too. See how it’s much more flowing than ‘green shirt and pants’? Also, I would suggest trying to describe the Pokemon a bit more too - in the same way that the characters were described.

These are all tips on how to improve your writing abilities, so don’t take them too harshly. I know that your writing abilities are already great, so I hope you use these tips for harder level Pokemon.

Battle

The highlight of your story was definitely the battle. Although your descriptions got a little patchy, they were lightened up again in your battle techniques. I loved how it was set out; Violet coming in to team up with the Ekans to beat the Blastoise - it was very heartwarming.

I was a little worried that you were going to make the Ekans defeat the Blastoise, as it has happened many times before (being that authors make seriously weak Pokemon defeat stronger ones with ease), but it was great how you made Kalen huffily withdraw his Pokemon, thinking the whole battle was stupid. Although the battle was a little short, it was great for a simple level Pokemon.

Final Outcome

For your first story, it was excellent! Everything was great, so I hope you take my tips to heart for future stories. Ekans captured!

Drakala
02-04-2008, 04:07 PM
Thanks for grading my story!:cool::biggrin: