View Full Version : Colosseum Catastrophe

02-05-2008, 02:57 AM
Colosseum Catastrophe
( A story deal for eb90 )

Desired Pokémon: Vulpix
Character Count: 12k +
Difficulty: Medium

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Damian's heart sank as he stood in awe at the massive doors of the Colosseum. Damian was a young lad only fifteen years of age. Curls of blonde hair fell messily over part of his emerald colored eyes and covered a majority of his snow white skin. Today Damian was entering a doubles tournament for all the battlers in the Kanto region who thought they were good enough to participate. The young lad was quite the experienced battler but he had never been in a tournament before. Not a tournament as massive as this one. Over ten thousand spectators sat upon rows and rows of seats. Even from outside the tournament you could hear the excitement; it seemed as though the tournament rumbled with all the screams of fans. Damian slowly walked towards the tournament as he examined the massive Colosseum that lay before him. Huge golden arches were the entering point of the great edifice. The ground of the tournament was rough with many small branches and stones. Some larger barriers lay scattered about such as hollowed logs and large boulders. Above the ground lay the many, many rows of fans.

As Damian walked through the spectacular golden arches, his feeling of fear and anxiety turned to pride; pride to participate in such a tournament. Pride that he was among the few powerful trainers that even had the chance to be a part of such an event. The blonde haired, fair skinned boy sat down on the stone benches where competitors wait before battles. Then the announcer called the first two battlers.

"First up, we have Damian from Pallet Town verses Antwan from Pewter City,"

The stadium boomed with cheers as the two trainers went to the center of the Colosseum where the battle would be taking place. Damian reached for his belt with all of his Pokémon and grabbed the shiny crimson colored balls that contained the two Pokémon he would be battling with. He held the Pokéballs out proudly in his hand then thrusted them onto the rocky ground of the Colosseum. The balls popped open and then a flash of intense yellowish light flowed from them. When the light cleared, there stood Damian's two Pokémon, Pidgeot and Blastoise, both looking bold and ready for battle. Pidgeot was a large bird like Pokémon with tan and white feathers all over its body. Atop its head lies a crest of red and yellow feathers which were slicked back neatly, perhaps to increase its air resistance. Blastoise was a large turtle like Pokémon with sapphire scales and a brown leathery shell. It walked on two feet and at its shoulders were two cannons that are rumored to be able to blast water powerfully enough to break steel.

Once Damian had sent his Pokémon it was time for Antwan to do the same. He chose to battle with his two Pokémon, Weezing and Vulpix. Weezing was a large poison type Pokémon that did not have arms or legs. It just simply floated about like a toxic purple blob. Vulpix was an amber colored fox type Pokémon that had a fluffy coat of fur all around its body. The one thing that made it distinct in appearances from a fox were the fact that it had multiple tails.

"Go Blastoise, use Skull Bash on Weezing!" yelled Damian as he pointed towards the large floating blob Pokémon.

Blastoise bent its head down to decrease drag then it charged full speed towards Weezing. Right before the large turtle reached Weezing it pushed itself on the ground with its stout little legs; just high enough to reach the floating blob. Weezing was prepared for this attack. It inhaled a large breath of air, greatly shrinking its proportions as it did so. Then, it exhaled and a sharp beam of light came crashing into Blastoise in a Thunderbolt attack. The large turtle was sent crashing down due to the shear power of the attack and its weakness to electricity. Blastoise was a very tough Pokémon though and managed to get right back up, ready for battle. Weezing then proceed to charge towards Blastoise with a tackle attack.

"Blastoise, use Withdraw then switch into a Rapid Spin!" commanded Damian excitedly.

Blastoise sucked itself into its hard leathery shell which made it almost impervious to Weezing's attack. Then it spun itself into a Rapid Spin attack. Weezing's attack actually helped to give Blastoise's spinning momentum.

"Great job Blastoise! Now use your Hydro Pump!" shouted Damian.

Blastoise began to shoot massive jets of water from every orifice of its shell. The spinning motion of Rapid Spin and the brute force of Hydro Pump was too much made a monstrously powerful attack; almost like a cyclone that devoured everything that opposed it. Weezing was not expecting this attack. It was too powerful for the purple blob to handle and it was sent plummeting to the rocky Colosseum floor. Damian looked at the field. Almost the whole arena was covered in water, turning the once rocky soil of the arena into mud.

"Excellent work, Blastoise! Now use Water Gun on Vulpix! Pidgeot, you go from the skies and use Aerial Ace!" said Damian with a grin of victory on his face.

Then the question came; where was Vulpix? The two Pokémon and Damian looked all around the field but Vulpix was nowhere to be found. Finally, Blastoise looked inside a hallowed log and sure enough Vulpix was hiding in there. Before Blastoise could use Water Gun on Vulpix, Vulpix opened its mouth and fired out an Energy Ball directly at Blastoise. The attack caught Blastoise off guard and he was sent back a few feet. The large turtle fell to the ground and lay motionless.

"You did a good job, Blastoise. Return!" said Damian as he held his Pokéball out.

Damian clicked the ball open and Blastoise was sucked back into it.

"Now Pidgeot, use Quick Attack on Vulpix!" commanded Damian confidently.

Pidgeot flapped its wings powerfully and soared at blinding speeds towards Vulpix.

"Flamethrower," said Antwan with an annoyed expression on his face.

Vulpix tilted its head back and opened its mouth. It started to glow red as it prepared itself to use Flamethrower. Before it could attack, Pidgeot came full force into Vulpix. Vulpix was knocked into the air and landed in a pile of mud that had been created earlier by Blastoise's Hydro Pump attack. The power of the attack and the cold mud that cooled Vulpix's fire left it without the energy to battle.

"Vulpix is unable to battle. The winner of the match is Damian with Blastoise and Pidgeot!" said the announcer.

The crowd applauded loudly for Damian, so loudly that it was almost impossible to hear what the announcer was saying. Everyone clapped and was excited about the match; that is everyone except for Antwan. Antwan stomped out of the Colosseum furiously.

"You have failed me one time to many, Vulpix," said Antwan angrily.

The boy threw his Pokéball to the ground...

Damian saw him leaving out of the corner of his eye but he had not thought anything of it at the time. He was so excited about winning the match that he didn't even think to stop and talk to Antwan. Once all the excitement had died down and the announcer had called the end of the first match Damian walked proudly out of the Colosseum and through the glowing golden arches that make the entrance. When Damian stepped out he heard a faint whimpering sound coming from the bushes. Damian wandered around for a while, trying to find the source of the whimpering. Then he found it. It was red, hidden in a bush. It was Antwan's Vulpix he had battled!

"What is Antwan's Vulpix doing here?" though Damian to himself with a perplexed look on his face.

He reached into the bushes and grabbed the Vulpix. He held it up to the light to examine it and find out why it was whimpering. Damian was horrified at what he discovered. The Vulpix had huge gashes all along its body.

"What happened here!?" Damian yelled in disgust. "Who would do such a thing to harm this gentle Pokémon?".

Damian did not know what happened to Vulpix, but he did know one thing. He must get Vulpix to a Pokémon Center. If he didn't, Vulpix could be in some serious trouble. Damian ran full speed to the nearest Pokémon center. He ran for about an hour. He did not care how tired he was. His feet just seemed to carry him as if it were an impulse, not an action. Finally, Damian reached the Pokémon Center. Damian was starting to get very worried now due to the fact that Vulpix had began shaking helplessly and whimpering in pain. The blonde haired boy walked through the sliding glass doors of the Pokémon Center. He waled slowly along the red and white checkered floors and handed Vulpix to the nurse at the counter, Nurse Joy.

"Oh my, what happened here?" asked Nurse Joy with a shocked look on her face. "We'll take him to the doctor immediately, you wait right here,"

The pink haired nurse walked off with the injured Vulpix to one of the Pokémon Centers many doctor's offices. Damian waited for several hours which seemed like days due to the stress and anxiety that built up from concern for Vulpix's health. After several heart stopping hours, the nurse finally walked out carrying Vulpix. Damian leaped up in excitement and wrapped his arms around the little fox Pokémon.

"He should be fine, I think he was just a bit shaken up from whatever attacked him," said Nurse Joy with a smile. "By the way, our censors indicate that he does not belong to any Pokéball ID," stated Nurse Joy calmly.

"Thanks a lot, Nurse Joy!" called Damian as he walked out of the Pokémon Center, waving graciously to the kind nurse.

Damian stepped out into the cool air as his feet squished into the lush grass that was planted in front of the Pokémon Center. The curly, long haired lad stroked his hands along the little fox's fur. Suddenly, he felt something that was not soft and fluffy. He felt a collar. He felt a cold metallic collar. Damian reached for the collar but Vulpix latched out with its sharp teeth and dug into Damian's hand. Crimson blood flowed slowly from the wound.

"Gah, whats going on here!" shouted Damian in pain as he dropped the little fox to the ground.

The person that he thought was Nurse Joy stepped triumphantly out of the Pokémon Center. The impostor ripped off the Nurse costume, and underneath it was a black Slipknot shirt.

"Hahaha, I see you have found my mind control device," said the impostor proudly "Vulpix. Attack the insolent fool,"

Damian did not want to do this, but he knew he must fight the Vulpix.

"Go, Pidgeot," yelled Damian as he threw his Pokéball to the ground in disgust at the evil doer.

The ball landed softly on the grass, then popped open, letting a flow of light out from it. The graceful bird Pokémon stood in the grass for a moment, then flapped its wings and soared into the air. It spotted its target, the auburn little fox, then it dived down at blinding speeds. At the same time Pidgeot came crashing into Vulpix, Vulpix leaped into the air with a Quick Attack. Both battlers were sent crashing down into the ground. Vulpix and Pidgeot both seemed to hop right back up at the same time.

"Pidgeot, go in for a Drill Peck!" commanded Damian furiously.

The large bird folded its wings then leaped towards Vulpix in a sort of gliding motion. It landed on the soft grass then pecked furiously at the Vulpix's collar. The little fox retaliated and charged at Pidgeot with a Tackle attack. The large bird did not expect the little fox to have such great power, and was sent flying into a large tree. Pidgeot let out a bellowing screech as its soft body pounded into the rough bark of the tree. Before Pidgeot could even get up, Vulpix had begun charging towards Pidgeot with a Quick Attack.

"Quickly Pidgeot, use Wing Attack!" shouted Damian as an expression of fear spread across his face.

Pidgeot struggled to get up but then it shot of the ground almost as if it were just waiting for Vulpix to attack. It pounded full force into Vulpix and the little fox was sent tumbling into a large root. Vulpix lied in pain for a moment then pushed itself back onto its feet. The little fox then tilted its little head back and a faint yellow light streamed from its mouth. The light turned into a blur of intense fire that blasted powerfully into the large bird, Pidgeot. Pidgeot winced in pain as the scolding flames engulfed its body. Pidgeot let out a mighty screech then flapped its wings and took to the skies. It swooped down at almost blinding speeds; it almost appeared to be a tan blur of motion. It crashed into Vulpix and sent it skidding across the ground. It landed a few feet ahead and lay there motionless, out of energy. The collar had snapped off in the midst of all the commotion.

"Nice work, Pidgeot," said Damian excitedly as he reached into his bag.

He grabbed a shiny, red Pokéball from his bag then hurled it at the injured fox. Vulpix was sucked inside and the ball began to shake; once, twice...

Phantom Kat
02-05-2008, 10:38 PM
Lyke, did j00 touch mah story?

Plot: Damian is one of the many trainers that will participate in a grand tournament. Being the first one up, he battles a trainer named Antwan with his Blastoise and Pidgeot. After a tough battle between a Vulpix and a Wheezing, Damian wins and celebrates. However, after he exit’s the stadium, he find the same Vulpix released and injured. He takes it to the Pokemon Center where he finds, after the fox has been healed, that Vulpix does not a trainer. After a short battle, Vulpix is down and Damian attempts to capture it.

In all truth, that plot did not seem that original, I really feel as though I have read it before. You wrote it really well, I could see it all happening in my head, but the “Pokemon finds Pokemon, takes it to the Pokemon Center, and captures it after it is healed up” has really been used more times than I can count which really doesn’t help the originality much. I liked how you opened it up as the tournament was underway, it was a good way to hook in the reader with a battle immediately following.

The best thing to do is to wander way from the overused plots like the Pokemon Center one I mentioned and if you really feel that you can pull it off, you should add some twists into it. Maybe, Nurse Joy was really a Team Rocket member in disguise and steals Vulpix. Damian and Antwan may have to team up to save Vulpix or something along those lines. You could gave probably gotten away with using an overused plot idea for a Simple Pokemon but for a Medium, you really have to think of something more original.

Also, the way Antwan abandoned Vulpix with, according to what you wrote, gashes he caused seems kind of sudden. If you would have explained as to why he did these things (besides the obvious fact that Vulpix lost the battle), it would make much more senses. Maybe Vulpix had failed him for the umpteenth time or he the trainer had issues of his own. Some kind of explanation other than a naturally abusive trainer can make this less random. At the moment, it just seems like a way to get the “injured Pokemon” in the “Pokemon finds Pokemon, takes it to the Pokemon Center, and captures it after it is healed up” plot.

Intro: Damian is a fifteen-year-old who is ready to battle in a grand tournament. He soon finds himself face to face with his first challenger, a trainer named Antwan.

You intro was really good, you introduced your main character and the setting was also really well described. I could see everything as thought I was Damian which is always what you want to do. I did feel that you should have mentioned some kind of back-story about the tournament so that the readers could really understand as to why it was such a great honor to participate. Maybe Damian was specifically picked out because the league has been following his records and that they showed he was a really good trainer. Some kind of history as to how Damian ended up there and how the tournament was so prestigious will help.

Grammar/Spelling: Wow, you did really well in this section, I could hardly pick any mistakes to rant about. X3

"Now, Pidgeot, use Quick Attack on Vulpix!"

Whenever one character addresses another (be it a Pokemon or a human or a Martian), a comma is placed before the name. It doesn’t only have to be a name but it could also be “You, brat, get over here!” or “Hello, honey, how was your day?”

The ground of the tournament was rough with many small branches and stones.

I think “stadium” fits better than “tournament” since a tournament is more of an event and a stadium is a place where such events are held. It’s only my opinion so you can take it as merely advice. =3

Length: Eleven thousand, barely above the minimum. It’s good and although Quality > Quantity (this is like, becoming some sort of staple for us graders O.o), you should always aim for the middle.

Description/Detail: Like most of your sections, this section was done well. You remembered that although this is a Pokemon forum, Pokemon still need to describe just like human characters. Also, I could also visualize the surroundings they were in which is awesome since we don’t want out characters floating in a bubble of some sort.

Just remember that although a character may not be important, like Antwan and Nurse Joy, they should also be described so that we can get a good picture in our heads as we read. Also, use all of your senses when describing and not only sight, Everything from the smell of the soda-blemished stands to how the air sounded in Pokemon’s ears as they performed an attack sounded. This will bring your story to life and make a fun read, overall.

Battle: The battles were interesting, all the attacks and how they were performed were well described. The problem I have with your battles is that the Pokemon seem to faint too early, as in, one attack and they are down. For example, Blastoise. I understand that it was hit with a Thunderbolt and an Energy Ball but Blastoise is a really tough Pokemon, it mostly relies on Defense, I would imagine it to stand up to at least two more attacks since the battle had just started so it wasn’t tired.

The Vulpix battle seemed just short, overall. Vulpix was hit by a two attacks (I suspect they were either Aerial Ace or Quick Attack), one of them was kind of blocked due to its own Quick Attack, and it was down. For a Medium Pokemon, at least three attacks from both sides should make a nice, even battle. Even though Pidgeot is fully evolved, Vupix should still have a fighting chance. It’s the last thing in your story so you should end it with a bang, not with a so-so battle just so it is finished and posted.

Last, I just wanted to point out, make sure to include your surroundings in your battles. Trees, rocks, all that good, nature stuff. Vulpix hid in one of the many log sin the stadium battlefield and by the time Blastoise found it, it was hit. Use more of those kind of tactics, especially in your last battle since they were outside which means a whole forest to mess around with. And, using all of your senses in both the attacks and the surroundings can really make a battle vibrant.

Outcome: It was really borderline. You story was well written with very few mistakes and you have a good grasp of description and detail. However, I felt that the plot, especially towards the middle, was unoriginal with the battle too short. Also, the way Vulpix was injured seems unrealistic. Since I like to take the “I know the author can fix this up in a jiffy and it will be more beneficial rather than just letting them slide” route, I have to say: Vulpix not captured!

Just answer the question as to why Vulpix was released more clearly, add some kind of twist to the “taking injured Pokemon to the Pokemon Center” thing that will make this plot more of your own rather than something that has been used before, and add at least two more moves to the Vulpix battle and the fire kit will be yours. I know you can do it, PM for a re-grade whenever you want. ^^

- Kat

Phantom Kat
02-09-2008, 03:30 PM
-after swalloing two pills 'cause I woke up like crap today-

Wow. mind control? Pretty nice and I liked how Damian got injured by the fox he had saved. Using Drill Peck was a nice touch to try and get the collar off and you did make the battle longer. So, Vulpix captured!

Remember to always add little twists in your plots (the have to make sense, though xP), add description to your Pokemon as well, and to make the battle long and two-sided. ;)

-goes to steal Vukpix from eb90 'cause I still haven't finished my own Vulpix story-

- Kat