PDA

View Full Version : A New Journey Begins (Episode 1: A Day In the Field)


Shucklulz
02-06-2008, 01:36 AM
Allan, a beginning trainer has just started his journey from Eterna City. Returning home to his apartment with his little sister Cassie and his mother, he decides to head out for his first day in the wide open sky, and fresh Eterna Forest air. (Written in the first person)
___________________
Targeted Pokemon: Buizel.
Character count: (With Spaces), roughly 12k. (Without spaces), roughly 9k.
Difficulty level: Simple
Status: Finished.
___________________
Chapter 1: A Peaceful Start.
I smiled with my new Pokeball in my hand. I polished it with my clean, navy shirt; I wanted to let my new Eevee out of its ball, and walk with it, although I had no idea how a Pokeball worked. I had been taught in Trainer School in Jubalife, though I had forgotten long ago, as I felt I wasn't ready for a journey; that is, until now.

"Come on out, Eevee!" I called, and tossed the Pokeball into the air. It gave me a sort of excitement that I had only felt in the Jubalife Trainers School's final exams. In a burst of white light, a stream of energy released itself from the Pokeball forming the outline of an Eevee.

"Eve!" The little Eevee said, after the light had shattered.
Showing me the face of my first Pokemon; my Eevee. I smiled in excitement as I bent down and extended a hand out. Eevee sniffed it and I reached to pick him up. He tried to crawl out, but after a few minutes, he settled down in my pale skinned arms and looked up at me.

"Hi, Eevee, I'm you're new Trainer, Allan." I said in a sweet, caring tone.

"Eevee!" Eevee replied cheerfully.

Eevee gnawed at my short shirt sleeve. The bright sun was blocked out from my eyes by the steel grey framed sunglasses, reflecting light with a blue tint.

"Hey Eevee, what do you say we go back to my house and I'll introduce you to my mom and sister?" I asked.
Eevee nodded in approval, and we jumped on my bike, which had been given to me had given for my birthday last year by my dad, the bike shop owner. I had been so excited; I was to inherit the Bike Shop and learning how it was run occupied all of my time. It was until just a week ago that I thought about having a Pokemon for the first time since I had graduated Trainer School. Because of that, I now had my Eevee.

By the time I had been thinking of this, I had arrived at my apartment, as I rode past one of the windows on the ground floor, a reflection appeared in the window of a dark haired boy with pale skin. He had a pair of sunglasses clipped to his shirt collar; his bright green eyes were looking down at an Eevee at his feet. The boy in the reflection was me. I smiled as Eevee started chasing its tail.

"Return, Eevee." I said with a laugh, and Eevee's head turned to one side, he became enveloped in a red light, and disappeared, drawn back into the Pokeball. I smiled with satisfaction.

"This is going very well," I thought, "I wonder how Cassie will react when she finds out I got this awesome Pokemon." I smirked with satisfaction as I could just imagine her face. Her eyes wide with envy. She would twist her blond hair around her index finger, and smirk, and deny that she was jealous, just like she always does.

I zoomed past the tall buildings, past the Eterna Gym, and past the local mart, I took the next block down and turned right, to a tall brick building with medium sized windows on every floor, and on every exterior side of the building, this was my apartment building.

Housing was very cramped in Eterna, as residents may know.

I pulled my bike up to the bike rack and locked my bike carefully into place, bending over and scrambling up the number combination, known only by me. I walked though the door, Pokeball in hand, smiling happily I went up the stairs and into room 409.

Inside the room was a tan painted room, a small kitchen to one side, and a living room/dining room, at which, my sister sat with her Buneary in her lap at the dinner table. Buneary’s soft brown fur shined in the sunlight through the window, its bright black eyes looked up at Cassie, and then at me. Its ears were curled up against its head, showing only the cream colored cotton like fluff on the ends.

"Bun!" Cassie's Buneary exclaimed.

"Oh, you're back, Allan?" Cassie asked.

I rolled my eyes. Of course I was back. What did she think I was, a ghost? I smirked at this thought, Cassie hates ghosts, being one would scare her out of her wits, which would be amazing payback. She scares me all the time.

"Yes, I am; and I have a new friend with me." I said happily.

"Really? Who?" My mom asked from behind me. She had blonde hair, just like Cassie, and bright blue eyes, as Cassie did. In fact, Cassie almost looked like a younger version of my mom.

"Watch," I said.

"Go, Eevee!" I exclaimed, and threw my Pokeball that exploded with white light.

"Eevee!" My Eevee cried.

"Aw! It's so cute!" Cassie exclaimed. Her bright blue eyes were gazing at it enviously, her jaw was dropped, and she shot me a look that practically said “why can I have an Eevee?”.

"Bun?" Her Buneary said as if it were jealous.

"It really is a cute Eevee, Allan. Cuter than one that I've ever seen." Mom said. Suddenly, Mom’s Totadile walked into the room and squeaked at the sight of my Eevee. Eevee glared at it, and Totadile glared back,

"Eevee..." Eevee hissed.

"Dile!" Totadile exclaimed, and jumped into the air, about to use an attack.

I withdrew Eevee to it's Pokeball to avoid a fight, as I had been taught in Trainers School. Pokemon battles were only for other willing trainers and wild Pokemon, not for a fight like the one that was about to erupt.

"Well Allan, I guess you should start hunting for some Pokemon, you've already got your bag and clothes. There's at least a weeks worth of food in there too. So you should be on your way." Mom said.

"Yeah, I guess." I sighed, I didn’t want to leave, but some part of me told me I had to. I really wanted more Pokemon… maybe even the one I had played with as a young child that had saved me from drowning as a toddler.

"I'll come with you, Allan. To help you get started. Where do you want to start looking?" Cassie asked.

"Probably either in the Eterna Forest, or around Route 205; somewhere close to home is always a good start." I replied.

"Alright then, if you get in trouble, and Eevee gets hurt, then I'll take over for you." Cassie smiled.

"Good, too bad for you though, we won't have that problem." I smirked.

"Bun." Buneary muttered, and rolled its eyes.

Cassie withdrew her Buneary, who happily went into its Pokeball and we set out for Route 205, passing through many different streets of Eternal, walking down past the Bike Shop, past the old, abandoned Team Galactic Base and the Eternal Museum.

I walked out onto the bridge and saw several fishermen battling Magikarp and Golden, and whatnot, though that wasn't what I was looking for. Cassie had gone off looking for a Bidoof, while I still searched in the water, even going so far as to try jumping in just to search for my target. I knew that Pokemon was somewhere near by, and I was going to find it.

Next post: Chapter 2 (The Return of Buizel)

Shucklulz
02-06-2008, 01:54 AM
Chapter 2: The Return of Buizel

As I searched, my clothes became damp, my hat and hair were now wet, and Cassie was laughing at my pathetic attempt to find a Pokemon
"Just catch a Bidoof or something, they're really easy to find." She said,

"No. As much as I like Bidoof, I don't want to catch one now." I retorted and dove back in the water.

Being an agile swimmer I was able to dive deep under water, and hold my breath for three minutes. A survival technique I had picked up at Trainers School. I swam looking for that one Pokemon, who had been my lifelong companion, friend, and the Pokemon who had saved my life…

I could still recall that dreadful day, when I went out to the lake by my self. I was only five years old then, and knew very little of how to swim. I looked all around the banks of the lake, calling its name, but it didn’t come. Then I slipped and fell in the water without having time to take in any air. I struggled to swim to the banks, but I couldn’t move in any direction, let alone upwards. All I could do was sink like a rock… my vision went blurry, and the next thing I knew, I woke up on the grass, with that Pokemon looking down at me. It’s orange and yellow face like a weasel. Black whiskers extended from the sides of its cheeks and its bright eyes were looking at me with concern.

“Buizel?” It asked.

“Yes, I’m alright Buizel.” I said with a smile, and happy to be alive.

Now eight years later, I was in the lake again, swimming like a Finneon, and searching for that Buizel. Suddenly, a rush of orange zoomed by me. I looked behind me and poking my shoulder was that same Buizel! I just knew it was the same Buizel. Only one who knew a human would be so friendly as to swim right up behind them. My eyes widened as the Buizel waved its orange paw in front of my face. I pointed up towards the surface and swam upward. Buizel followed me, onto the bridge. I jumped out of the water and ran towards my bag. Buizel just stood their waiting for me to return. Expecting a piece of food, it extended it’s paw out. I handed it a treat from my bag, but also in my other hand was a Pokeball, which I promptly threw into the air.

"Go Eevee!" I called.

My Pokeball opened and out of it, came my cheery faced Eevee. It took one look at me (I was soaking wet) and started laughing at me!

Buizel smirked,

“Alright Eevee, that’s enough.” I grumbled.

“Buizel, I challenge you to battle!” I exclaimed.

Buizel looked at me curiously.

“Buizel?” It asked.

“Yes, you see, I’m a Trainer now, and I want you on my team. So let’s have a battle!” I explained.

Buizel nodded and became enveloped in water. An Aqua Jet attack was about to be launched.

"Eevee, use Quick Attack!" I exclaimed. It was the first attack I had ever called to Eevee, I was so excited.

Like a bullet, Eevee blasted off at unbelievable speed and slammed right into the Buizel's stomach.

The Buizel glared at Eevee and blasted off at full speed with it’s Aqua Jet attack, and slammed into Eevee.

"Eevee, get out of the way, and use Sand Attack!" I exclaimed,

Eevee sprang up, but Buizel turned and shot up like a rocket and slammed into Eevee.

“Dang.” I thought. I didn’t know Buizel had so much control over its Aqua Jet. No wonder it had always beaten me in races as a child, the little cheater.

Eevee cried out and landed on the bridge on its left side. He jumped to his feet and smacked some sand that must have been carried from the shore of the lake and kicked it into Buizel's eyes.

"Buizel!" It cried and fell into the water. But before it did, I chucked a Pokeball at it, sucking it in falling in.

"Oh no!" I exclaimed.

A minute later Buizel jumped back out at full force, using a strengthened Aqua Jet, powered by the water in the lake, and the water from the Aqua Jet.

"Dodge with Quick Attack!" I commanded.

Eevee tried, but failed to move in time, and got hit with the frontal force of the attack, landing on his side.

I groaned again.

“Get up Eevee; we can’t lose our first battle!” I moaned.

Buizel jumped into the air and swung its tail and shot a flurry of stars at Eevee, a Swift attack. Like always, Swift never missed; thus, hitting Eevee.

"I've got to do something, and fast. Eevee's starting to get tried, and there is no way I'm letting Cassie take over for me." I thought, with determination.

"Eevee, use Trump Card!" I commanded.

Eevee glowed blue and shot a burst of light from its body, slamming right into the Buizel, who now was lying on its back.

I was surprised that Eevee knew Trump Card, being the most accurate, and one of the most powerful attacks Eevee could learn. I knew Trump Card was a special move, meaning that it gained power out of the five times it could be used per battle. That was the first time, meaning the next time its power would be doubled.

"Use Take Down!" I commanded.

Eevee charged and slammed right into the Buizel, who flew over to one end of the bridge.

Quickly I grabbed an empty Pokeball out of my bag and chucked it at the wild Buizel enveloping it in the familiar red light, sucking it into the Pokeball. It moved left and right,

One... Two...

Splishee
02-07-2008, 06:29 AM
Posting to say that I'll be giving you a grade. Expect it in 1 - 2 days at the latest. ^_^

Shucklulz
02-07-2008, 02:09 PM
Posting to say that I'll be giving you a grade. Expect it in 1 - 2 days at the latest. ^_^

Thanks a million. ^^ I'll be checking here frequently. *crosses fingers*

Splishee
02-18-2008, 08:03 AM
Plot

A new trainer, Allan (who’s name was only mentioned once in the entire story) has just received his starter Pokemon; a playful Eevee. Equipped with his new Pokemon, he decides that he will go to Route 205 to look for a new Pokemon. When he is there, he notices a Buizel swimming around in the water. He begins to play with the Pokemon, before challenging it to a battle.

Overall, not the most creative plot. Sure, Buizel is only a simple level Pokemon, but you’ve written a couple of stories after this one, haven’t you? It’s pretty much the traditional ‘kid gets a new Pokemon, decides to go into forest/route to find a Pokemon to accompany him/her’, so I’m a little disappointed with that. It left much to be desired, but I did like how you incorporated how Allan attended the trainer school and such. It added that spark of creativity.

I would have liked it if you incorporated more of the trainer school learnings throughout the story, like you did here:

I withdrew Eevee to it's pokeball to avoid a fight, as I had been taught in Trainers School. Pokemon battles were only for other willing trainers and wild pokemon, not for a fight like the one that was about to erupt.

More of those subtle references to his years in the Trainer School would have made the story a whole lot more creative and more in depth to read. However, the side plot about the trainer school - no matter how much I feel could have been improved - was enough to make the plot good enough for the Buizel.

Introduction

Erm.. Sorry to say, but your very first paragraph had a lot of grammar issues; but I’ll cover that more in the grammar section. However, you must make sure that your introduction is absolutely perfect. Out of all sections of your story, your introduction should be the one that you proof read time and time again, making adjustments when necessary. It is the most important out of them all, as it is what’s used to lure your readers in, get them interested in the story to let them enjoy the whole thing; not get bored half way through the middle.

That said, your introduction covered pretty much everything that a good introduction should have. The who, what, when, where and why basis was done superbly, with my only critism was in your main character. You didn’t tell us he was, exactly; he didn’t have a definitive personality, and you didn’t describe his looks, other than the fact that he was wearing a navy shirt and wearing sunglasses. I can’t stress enough how important it is to define your main character as a person. That means showing the reader what they look like, (notice I send ‘showing’, not ‘telling’. Paint a picture, don’t just thrust the appearance infront of their faces.), and also showing them their personality. Every human being has a personality, so, naturally, should every character.

I don’t want to sound harsh, because the introduction was fine for a Buizel. But it was really lacking in some parts, so I thought you should be aware of this. I liked how you gradually gave the information, blending everything you gave us into flowing paragraphs. What I mean is that you didn’t just say, ‘Allan goes to the Pokemon Trainer’s school. He just got his Pokemon. It is an Eevee. He liked his Pokemon very much.’ That kind of writing is irritating and not a very entertaining read. ^_^

Length

Buizel, being a simple categorised Pokemon, requires roughly 5 - 10 thousand characters. Your story, being 8.5 K of characters, was just perfect! You aimed in the middle, so it wasn’t too long or too short. Keep up the good work!

Grammar

Can I be honest with you?

You had a lot of grammar issues. Everywhere I looked there were spelling errors. Also, you had silly little grammar mistakes to the huge, in-your-face horrible grammar errors. This issue brought down your grade a lot. Every mistake was pretty much small, and could have easily been corrected if you had proof-read the story before posting it, which makes me think if you had put as much effort as I thought you had; being that it is a great story.

Let’s get started with some of the huge errors, and we’ll work our way down to the smaller ones. I don’t want you to be offended by all of this; I’m putting all of these down for future reference when you are correcting your own stories, so you know which areas of grammar you can improve on. ^^

I smiled with my new pokeball in my hand, bright red on the top, I polished it with my clean, navy shirt, I wanted to let my new Eevee out of it's ball, and walk with it. Though I had no idea how a pokeball worked, I had been taught in Trainer School in Jubalife, though I had long since forgotten, as I felt I wasn't ready for a journy, that is, until now.

D:. This is the very first paragraph of your story. Being the first paragraph, it should be easy to understand and take in, pulling the reader in to read more of the story. Unfortunately, grammatically, you failed.

Firstly, the first sentence has wrong comma usage. You included 2 topics in it that should have been separated by a full stop, as you were starting to talk about something new. You started off talking about how you were polishing your ball. That’s fine, but then you placed a comma, starting to talk about how you want to let your Eevee out of your ball. If you had put a semi colon (;) after it, it would have been fine; just not a comma. A comma indicates a pause in the sentence, but you were starting a whole new topic.

The second sentence is just awkwardly constructed. It’s good that you’re trying to create more complex sentences and form your own style, but it was just too messily constructed and hard to understand. Read over it. Do you know what I mean?

Also, you spelt ‘journey’ wrong, and the word ‘Pokeball’ should have a capital, being that it is a proper noun.

It might have been better off as:

I smiled with my new Pokeball in my hand, bright red on the top, polishing it with my clean, navy shirt. I wanted to let my new Eevee out of it’s ball and walk with it. However, I had no idea how a Pokeball worked, even when I had been taught in the Trainer School in Jubalife. I had long since forgotton, as I had felt that I wasn’t ready for a journey; that is, until now.

A little more easier to understand, yeah?

"Yeah, I guess." I sighed,

You did this a lot. D:. You ended the sentence (not just the sentence; the PARAGRAPH) with a comma. I’m sure this was just a typo, but you did it too many times to be fully ignored in the grammar section. All paragraphs and sentences need to be ended with a full stop, not with a comma.

Do you like commas a lot, or something? :P It’s okay, I love them too. It’s all about being aware when and where it is suitable to use them instead of other punctuation.

I walked out onto the bridge and saw several fishermen battling Magikarp and Goldeen, and whatnot, though that wasn't what I was looking for, Cassie had went off looking for a Bidoof, while I still searched in the water, even

going so far as to try jumping in, just to search for my target.

Why is there that large space inbetween the words ‘even’ and ‘going’? Again, probably just a typo - but this could have been avoided if you had simply looked over your story.

Also, the sentence is weirdly constructed. You could have fitted a full stop in there instead of all those commas. There is not one full stop in that entire paragraph, when there could have been at least 2 of them. Yeah, ouch.

I’ll let you try and correct this one for yourself, as I already helped you above. ^^

An orange Buizel rushed up and swam beside me, I pointed to it, with an exclamation of excitement, though Pokeballs probably don't work underwater, and I left all of my food for bait above water, oh what I fool I was.

Another weirdly constructed paragraph. This will be the last example I give, as there are plenty more of these in your story but I want you to try and correct them yourself to show that you know what I’m talking about. No full stop in this sentence, when you totally could have fitted one in there! I can’t stress to you enough how important it is to construct your paragraphs properly, using correct punctuation and putting in full stops where it’s necessary to avoid confusion and jumbling all the words together!

Also, I would suggest putting a comma after ‘Oh’, as ‘oh’ is more of an expression than a part of the sentence, and there would be a pause after it. ^^;

I stroaked it on the head, scratched it's ears, making it smile and play happily. I attemted to sighlently tell it to play tag with me

Here I start on your spelling errors. Firstly, it should be ‘its’, not it’s. The apostraphe you put in ‘it’s’ makes it a shortened word for ‘it is’, not the possessive word you were trying to use. ‘Its’ is the possessive word, without the apostraphe. So, it should be: ‘scratched its ears’.

‘Stroaked’? ‘Attemted’? ‘Sighlently’? Spelling, spelling, SPELLING! I’m guessing you didn’t type up the story on MS Word first, did you? All of these grammar errors could have been avoided if you did just that, or thoroughly looked through the story after completing it.

Here are just a few more examples of your spelling errors, so you can have a go at fixing these and the many others in your story.

. Eevee hopped out of my arms and onto the ground grasefully and happily

I smiled with satusfaction

… and deny that she was jelious, just like she always does.

Want to have a go at finding and fixing the rest of them? Copy and paste the story onto MS Word, they’ll be signalled through a blaring red line.

I’ve decided that that is enough for the grammar section. That’s a lot, huh? That isn’t all of it though; when you go back and correct everything, I expect to see everything (even the things I didn’t mentioned) corrected, or at least attempted to be corrected.

Description

Down to the bare minimum. Sure, you described most things in the story by sight. For everything that required description of how they looked like, you did it excellently. You were able to describe the town of Jubalife, the house they lived in.. etc.

However, you didn’t describe what the characters in your story looked like (except for Allan’s sister). It was like reading it, imagining a black space talking and walking around as Allan’s appearance wasn’t made clear. Nor was the Pokemon’s appearances. What if no one had seen an Eevee before? What if the reader didn’t have D/P, and hadn’t seen a Buizel before, much less knew what type of Pokemon it was? Be sure to describe your character’s appearances, as well as the Pokemon’s.

I would have liked to see more description other than sight. How did everything feel? What did the lake that they found Buizel in smell like? What did the cry of the ecstatic Eevee sound like? All of those small additions would have made the description better.

Overall, it was good enough for a simple level story. You did describe a lot of things excellently, but it was just that you were lacking in other areas, and I would have liked to see more out of you. You seem like a really great writer, and with these skills in mind, I’m sure that you’ll be able to incorporate more advanced and complex styles of description into your future stories.

"Aw! It's so cute!" Cassie exclaimed. :surp:

Oh no! I must say that that addition of the smiley is definitely something you should avoid. Readers don’t want to see cheap pictures of how the character is supposedly looking; you should describe what Cassie’s expression was, how she felt at that moment as she looked at the Eevee. Avoid the dreaded smileys! I know they’re tempting.

Battle

Firstly, I found it a little strange as to why the Buizel automatically started playing around with Allan. Wouldn’t the Pokemon be scared out of its wits? How would it have felt in that situation? It was a little unrealistic. I must say.

This was the highlight out of your story. Although I would have liked to see a little more emotion out of Allan (how he felt at seeing his Pokemon injured) it was really quite good. There was a fair share of attacks, very 2 sided and you described the attacks very well for a simple level story.

However, the move ‘Trump Card’ was confusing to me. Being a D/P newbie, I have no idea what Trump Card is, and I found myself having to search it on google in order to understand what the move actually did. Being a fairly unique and special move, it would have been better if you described the attack’s effects and powers, rather than describing it as ‘a blue light’. :S

Other than that; great! Really nothing to improve on. ^^;

Overall

Although your battle was great and the plot fairly good, your repetitive grammar mistakes hurt me (I’m big on grammar D: ) and your description could be improved. So, for now, Buizel not captured.

I would suggest looking through the story, improving every description you can (not just the ones I suggested) to the best of your ability. Do the same with grammar. Once you have done that, I will be happy to give you a re-grade.

EDIT:

A - la Re-grade

I could see that you tried to improve on most aspects that I commented on; and I was especially pleased with your improvements in describing people and Pokemon as well as the references to the trainer school. Pretty much all the grammar I had suggested to be improved was fixed, but I could still see some other errors that could be fixed up. Mostly the comma problems you were having, and a lot of these speech problems:

“Dang.” I thought.

Everytime the text that someone has spoken ends, there should be a comma before the speech mark. It is still in the same sentence, meaning that it should be seperated with a comma if direct speech is following it.

Other than that and the comma errors, it really was fine! You improved on everything I asked and the battle was made so much better with the extra information on how Allan had met the Buizel before. I laughed when the Eevee was making fun of her trainer because he was wet; too cute!

All in all, it's great now. So I have no trouble saying: Buizel Captured! Have fun with the water orange mouse thing. xP