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Diamond_Master
02-06-2008, 11:23 PM
Pokemon Desired: Mankey
Characters Wanted:5,000
Characters Wrote:5,087
Difficulty:Simple
FINISHED

Intro
DM walked to the first tree he could find. His blond hair waved as he ran. He was wearing a very dark red, almost like blood, shirt, with blue jeans with holes in the knees."Come out, Chimmy!" he said. DM couldn't wait to see Chimmy for the first time in 17 minutes. He was just so happy he finally get the pokemon of his dreams. " Chim Char!" Chimmy said. Chimmy had light scarlet fur and light brown arms. His tail had a flame on it. DM smiled and said, "Hey Chimmy, we're going to the forest today!" DM said. A look spread across Chimmy's face.

"What's wrong?" DM asked. Chimmy looked like he was never in the forest, but the memory came. There he was, all alone in the forest. His mother had left for food, but was really battling a trainer when Chimmy heard a sound. "Mannnnkkkyyyy!!!!" said the creature. It swung and attacked Chimmy. "Chimmm???" said Chimmy. Chimmy had just awoke up from a long nap, and really didn't know where he was, so the creature didn't look familiar .
The creature attacked again, and it almost KOed Chimmy. Chimmy then did the best he could at attacking the creature, but it was just too strong. Chimmy then found himself knocked out on the forest floor.

Chimmy grew very scared, and refused to go into the forest because of it. "If you never fight your fears, the will haunt you forever!" DM said. Chimmy agreed and followed into the forest. "Chimm!" screamed Chimmy. They went into the forest, hungry for pokemon.

Diamond_Master
02-07-2008, 12:15 PM
Chapter I

As they went forward to the downtown city to get supplies, Chimmy looked very determined to go into that forest. As they walked down to the area with the shops, he noticed everybody applauded him for some reason. They went along with it, but it got boring, so he asked his friend Ricky what was going on. " Hey Rick, do you know why they're clapping?" DM asked. " You got Chimmy here right? The city always applause the next big trainer!" he said. Chimmy was messing with Rick's Aipom, Seller. " Thanks, Rick." DM said, pulling Chimmy away from Seller. They walked to the Pokemart to get some potions, they came back with 2 potions.

After they're not so quick stop to the shop area, they moved on to the wilderness. The wilderness consisted of running away from Pidgeys and Rattatas, then going into the forest. The forest came quick and they didn't expect it. Mankeys, Caterpies, and Pidgeys came to attack the young trainer pokemon combo. "C'mon, Chimmy! We have to keep moving!" DM encouraged. Chimmy attacked with Scratch and hurt the Pidgeys enough to get them away.

At the end of a trail, they decided to go right, and hope to find a place to start a fire to keep warm. The forest was green and bright. The trees were so tall, they couldn't see the sky. DM went to look for logs, while Chimmy stayed there and waited. About 10 minutes later, DM came back with 3 logs. He told Chimmy to start it with an ember. "Chimmmm Char!!!!" Chimmy said. "We made fire!" DM said happily. When Chimmy yelled Chimchar, it woke up the pokemon waiting for a battle. "Mankkkeeeyy!!" they heard. Chimmy grew scared, but then shook it off, and was ready for revenge!

Diamond_Master
02-07-2008, 09:40 PM
Chapter II

Chimmy looked around to see when the Mankeys would attack, but instead he got a visit from a hungry Pidgey. Chimmy prepared for battle, but it didn't attack for some reason. "Pidg?" Pidgey asked. Chimmy didn't answer. DM came back to see that Chimmy hadn't done anything wrong, but was afraid of the Pidgey. "Come here, Chimmy!" DM said. The Pidgey ran away, but for some reason came back. "Hey there, Pidgey" DM said. "Pidgey!!!" the Pidgey said. Chimmy relit the fire, and they finally went to sleep for the night.

The next morning, they awoke to the call of the wild, or the call of the Sparrow in this case. "Come on, Chimmy!" DM said. "Chimmmyyy!" Chimmy said. By now, Chimmy knew his name and his attacks. So when he said "Chimmy" Chimmy accidently used Ember. Chimmy burnt a tree, causing a nest of Pidgeys to attack. "Runnn!!!" DM yelled. They finally found a corner to stop at. "I think we lost them!" DM said. "Chim!" Chimmy said. DM finally found what he came all the way here for...

Diamond_Master
02-08-2008, 12:02 PM
Chapter III

Then, out of no where came the pokemon he walked 4 miles for. "Mankey, I've got you now!" DM said. "Mankeeyyy!" it screamed.DM saw the Mankey's light brown fur, and his dark brown arms. Chimmy was still farther away, so DM ran away to go find his starter. It turns out that they both found a Mankey! "Okay, Chimmy, are you ready?" DM asked. "Chim!" Chimmy replied. "Go, Chimmy!" DM said. "Chimchar!" Chimmy said. "Mankeyyy!" it said, trying to jump away and scratch. "Dodge it, Chimmy!" DM said. Chimmy dodged and then countered with scratch. The Mankey wasn't done yet, though. "Mannnkkkeeeyyy!!!!" it yelled. It used so much power in it's Low Kick, it got paralyzed! "Okay Chimmy! Ember!" DM commanded.

"Chim!" It responded. Chimmy's body lit up, and then, all you could see was ashes. Both pokemon were down! " Get up, Chimmy!" DM commanded. Up got both pokemon. The Mankey then yelled again and used fury swipes. This time, Chimmy fell hard to the ground, and the vision came back into his head. "CHIMMCHHHAARRR!!!!" Chimmy yelled, bringing the hardest ember of his life.

Diamond_Master
02-08-2008, 12:10 PM
Chapter IV

The ember knocked Mankey to the ground, and hopefuly knocked him out. The Mankey's fur was ashed and black. The Mankey got up and used scratch. "Chimmy, use ember one more time! "Chim..." Chimmy got up and attacked the Mankey. The Mankey got up and attacked back. He finally got what he wanted, a crowd. Chimmy was starting to look scared and like he wouldn't get up. The Mankey was happy about the crowd. Mankey did better around people anyway! "Chimmy! Get up! We have to win the battle!" DM said to his hurt Chimchar.

Then, Chimmy got up and used a strong ember attack. " CHIM CHAR!" Chimmy yelled. The flames hurt the Mankey so much it couldn't get up, and was burnt. " YAY!!!!GO CHIMMY!" screamed the crowd. "Chimmy!!!!" said DM. "You did it!" he said. "Chim...." said Chimmy. Chimmy almost lost his entire HP! "Now it's time to finish this!" said DM. DM pulled out a pokeball, and said "It's showtime!" DM said.

DM pushed the pokeball, enlarging it to throw it at the very hurt Mankey. "DM!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!" yelled the crowd, getting bigger and bigger. "Okay, this is over, Mankey!" said DM. He threw the pokeball, sucking in the injured Mankey. The pokeball started to wiggle and wiggle. "OH!!!!!!" yelled the crowd. The ball wiggled once, then the crowd was hushed. Then it wiggled a second time...

Diamond_Master
02-09-2008, 01:49 PM
Ready For Grade

pikahero2
02-09-2008, 09:53 PM
Dibs! I'll get a grade soon. =D

Introduction / Plot

To be honest, there was no introduction or plot. You had the whole "trainer goes into the woods to fight a Pokémon" which is really overused and quite boring. You did have a chase in the story, but it was only a couple of lines. You need to be creative in stories, instead of using that plot, maybe tell it from the Pokémon's point of view? It makes the whole thing a whole lot more interesting. I mean, by reading books and watching movies and stuff, I'm sure you could come up with something a lot more interesting and exhilarating. ^^; Remember that when your going for Pokémon in harder categories and such, you'll have to do a lot more work with your imagination. o.O Your also going to have to elaborate, as well as expand your plot more. It just leaves no twists or surprises in the story when you use this plot. You need to add some twists and a sub-plot or two when using the un-original type of plot. It just leaves no creativity to the story, and it doesn't look like much effort was put into it when you use that plot.

Also, an introduction should provide the following.


Who?
What?
Where?
How?
And Why?


You need to describe your character at the start of the story, the setting and surroundings too. =P Even though you did tell us what his hair looked like, that was it. I feel you could really be more creative, and take a look at other users stories, just to get the idea of what type of introduction you could/should have. You also have to try and start the story off more.. how can I put this, simple. It's your first story

Length

Meh, this was a little topsy-turvy, you just barely scraped the length. I know lengths not that important and all, but you should really try your best at it. When you have enough, don't stop there. If your story hasn't got everything you wanted by the time you've reached the minimum amount of characters, then keep going. Us graders always like to see a little effort put into a story. Remember, if you flesh out all of your crazy adjectives and some wild description, you'll lengthen the story up a lot. If you elaborate the plot, and add twists and turns, it probably would have paid off with some more length into your story. Just remember, length is not something graders really care about, remember, it's quality, not quantity. Also, if your seperating it into chapters, they have to be longer than that, otherwise you could just put all of it in one post.

Spelling / Grammar

This is where you seem to have most of your problems. I mean, this section really killed you. I suggest you use a spellchecker of some kind. Because a lot of hidden and tricky things caught you out the most. But you just had some misspelled words and such. I think that you should go over your story a couple of times before putting it here. Cause you might end up finding some mistakes, and thus being able to correct them yourself. It saves the grader from having to give you liek, five zillion errors to point out. xD It also helps your grammar and spelling. If you need any help with this, I suggest you use MS word, or PM somebody for help. (You could PM me, but I phail at grammar. ^^;) Remember, things like MS word doesn't catch out all of those tricky commas and such. =P also, remember you don't have to overuse your "!"'s, because it sounds like there really angry. Now, for me to correct the spelling mistakes.



DM couldn't wait to see Chimmy for the first time in 17 minutes. He was just so happy he finally go the pokemon of his dreams.



I’m hoping that “Chimmy” is the nickname of DM’s Chimchar? “Go” should be “get”. “Pokemon” should also have a capital letter, as well as the “e” should have an apostrophe”.



. "Mannnnkkkyyyy!!!!"



You only need one “!”.



Chimmy had just woke up from a long nap, and really didn't know where he was, so the creature didn't look firmiliar.



“Woke” should be either “awoken” or “awaked”. “Firmiliar” should be “familiar”.

The creature attacked again, and it almost KOed Chimmy.

Considering "KOed" isn't a real word, you could of used "knocked out" or "fainted" or something.

Chimmy then found himself KOed on the forest floor.

This was the same, try using more proper words when writing, because it confuses people sometimes. (they might not know what 'KOed' means. :|)

"If you never fight your fears, the will haunt you forever!"

I think "fight" should be "face", even though theres nothing wrong with it, it would just look more proper that way. ^_~

They went into the forest, hungry for pokemon.

"pokemon" should have an apostrophe over the "e", and it should have a capital letter.

They walked to the Pokemart to get some potions, they came back with 2 potions.



"Pokemart" should have an apostrophe over the "e". There should also be a semi-colon after "Potions" instead of a comma.

After they're not so quick stop to the shop area, they moved on to the wilderness.

I beleive you could change "stop" into "pitstop".

The wilderness consisted of running away from Pidgeys and Rattatas

You don't need to add the "s" at the end of a Pokémons name. ^^; See, it's just like fish. You can't say "fishes" cause it sounds wrong.

, it woke up the pokemon waiting for a battle

"pokemon" should have a capital letter, along with an apostrophe over the "e".

Chimmy almost lost all of his HP

You could change "almost lost all of his" to "almost his entire".

I see some more mistakes, but there just typos and whatnot, so I'mma let them go. x3 Remember, you don't need to add any "!"'s if someone is not talking, I seen it a few times in your story.

Description

Yes, I'mma help you with this. ^_^ Now, you didn't have much description in this story, I seen bits all over the place. For example, the start was ok, but all you did was describe DM's hair. Remember, you need to describe his clothes, his characteristics, his actions and pretty much everything. Try telling us what type of clothes he was wearing. Saying stuff like "he was wearing a blue shirt, with red pants." That's pretty dull, right? So spice it up a bit, change that boring sentence into this; "He was wearing a clean, skyblue shirt, it was free of creases (spelling?). The pants were a crimson red colour, with the pockets being long and strechy." See? It makes the story look better. Also, there are three, no four aspects of description you didn't cover. Smells, feelings (you had some, but not much.) surroundings and sounds. Now, if theres a stench in the air, you could tell us, what about an odour? A fragrance?

Just let us know if there is any smells in the air ^^; For the sounds, what noise did he hear in the forest? If it was full of Mankey and such, there definatley should have been some screeching and screaming (Mankey are pretty loud. x3). Feelings; you did describe it a few times, but you used overused words like "happy" and "scared". Get creative and use different words. It looks soo much better when you use creative and imaginatave words. ^^;

Battle

This was okay, though, it was in a forest, right? Yeah, well I don't really see how he could have an audience if he was in a forest and such. x3 I would of liked to see you using your surroundings though. I mean, Chimchar is a monkey, right? XD He could of climbed some trees, and tricked Mankey. But seeing how Mankey is a Monkey too (:P); you could have both of them in the trees fighting each other. Be creative with battles, if you include chases and such, it would make the battle more exciting, which is what you should try to do. Though Mankey is a simple Pokémon, it's strong. I beleive that it could of put up a much better fight. I mean, two attacks from Chimchar, and like, one from Mankey? It's a little one-sided there. You should make sure each Pokémon actually puts up a fight, because it's not exciting if you don't.

Maybe try work on your move combos, you could come up with something really good if you be creative. :3

Outcome

This was really a borderline for me, I know it's your first story, and I'm inclined to give the capture. I just thought this story was lacking in detail and realism. So Mankey Not Captured! Please add some detail, and I'll be happy to pass you. ^_^

superiortrader7
02-10-2008, 06:27 AM
its not that great but its okay

pikahero2
02-10-2008, 07:03 AM
its not that great but its okay

Your not supposed to post in other peoples stories, and you have to be part of the URPG. :confused:

Pikahero2 ~

Diamond_Master
02-10-2008, 12:46 PM
I'm finished.
I edited all the mistakes.

pikahero2
02-10-2008, 12:48 PM
kk, em... here.

Outcome

Well, you still didn't add any description, all you did was fix some of the spelling mistakes, so I hate to say it. But Mankey not captured! You have to add detail and description.

Diamond_Master
02-10-2008, 12:50 PM
kk, em... here.

Outcome

Well, you still didn't add any description, all you did was fix some of the spelling mistakes, so I hate to say it. But Mankey not captured! You have to add detail and description.

Where should I add detail?
never mind

pikahero2
02-10-2008, 01:05 PM
Where should I add detail?
never mind

No, you can't give up. Detail is like painting a picture, what did Chimmy look like? What did the trees look like? You need to do that for a lot of stuff.

Diamond_Master
02-10-2008, 01:32 PM
Finished. Edited the details.

pikahero2
02-10-2008, 08:04 PM
Outcome

You were still lacking in detail with the forest and surroundings, but I feel that your really dedicated to getting this, I can see that you tried to add as much detail as you could. I think that you could of still described how they felt and whatnot, but good job on adding more detail, so without further ado, I present to you; Mankey Captured! Have fun with the Monkey =3

Diamond_Master
02-10-2008, 09:11 PM
Thank you!!! I will have a ball with Monty!