View Full Version : Sinnoh Adventures!

02-12-2008, 12:14 PM
Sinnoh, home to many, many Pokemon. Hearts and dreams start here as the adventure unfolds...

As the town of Twinleaf was starting to wake up, a big box shaped house gave way to the suns bright and warm rays. The house had a green roof, plenty of windows and a bunch of flowers in the garden.

One of the rooms in there had red painted walls, a cupboard and everything ready for a Pokemon adventure. A woman opened the dark hazel coloured door to see her just turned ten year old son.

Her dark blue hair and white skin looked shined and cleaned, just for the occasion.

“Good morning Ben,” she said, nudging him gently.

Brown hair frizzled out of Ben’s bed, as his Pokemon alarm clock rang and was instinctively turned off by Ben.

“Good morning Mom,” He replied, nodding to her with a smiling face.

The quilt was pushed onto the floor, and Ben urgently leaped out of his bed and eagerly ran to the bathroom.

His mother went into the big and wide kitchen downstairs, looking at the trophies and awards she had earned. One of them said: “Rosemary Ryan, Grand Festival Winner 2007”.

That was her, and she had high hopes for Ben and the Sinnoh league. Dazedly she dreamt of him and his journeys.

30 minutes later, Ben was downstairs and completely changed in his looks. He now had black medium length hair, a green cap with a white Pokeball logo on it, a lush black shirt with a green jacket on overtop, and then black jeans and green trainers.

Rosemary dropped her eyes in amazement at how well he had dressed himself, they were both proud. Her squeaky voice praised him heavily.

“Have you decided what Pokemon you want to get? Forget that card and you won’t be a Pokemon Trainer!” She warned him clearly.

Ben sighed and walked to the table and bent down to see his backpack there. It was dark blue, which Ben would be ok to put on. He put on the two straps on and went to the door, but was dragged by Rosemary and was held stiff.

“What are you doing Mom!?” He asked, now annoyed.

“Ben, you need some food, your card and everything else!” She put all of it into his backpack, and continued “Now you’re able to go, just make sure to write and stay smart ok?”

“Don’t worry Mom, I’ll be fine” He replied with supreme confidence.

“That’s what worries me dear,” she sighed. “Take my Glameow with you on the way to Professor Rowan ok?”

The Pokemon heard her loud and clear and came out of hiding to “escort” Ben to Professor Rowan. The grey furred small curly tailed cat like Pokemon loved having its ears stroked and having attention, so it was happy to be with Ben for a while.

Before Rosemary could say goodbye, Ben and Glameow were out of the house and on their way to Professor Rowan in New Bark town.

The path was clear, there was a ground path among all of the grass that they would follow, and it was the perfect day for Ben. They just kept on going, until eventually they reached a forest path which was the last part of their trip to the Professor.

There were plenty of big oak trees there; home to many Pokemon Ben was sure. With no warning, Glameow gave a loud shriek. Ben spun around, and found a leaf next to Glameow, dug into the ground.

“Glameow, just ignore it, it was probably nothing,” Ben replied calmly and with a steady pace, he kept on walking.

Glameow jumped again, but this time she aimed under Ben’s legs.

“What’s that Glameow? I wish I could speak Pokemon...” Ben sighed.

“OW!” Ben screamed, collapsing onto his knees which is where the pain came from.

“SHELLOS!” A Pokemon battle cry sounded.

Glameow’s view was showing that Pokemon, it was about the same size as her, it was hard to tell what it looked like, it was like a snail/slug with curly horns, a pink body and a brown stomach.

Ben didn’t know what to do, but he said “Glameow, run away!”

They both did that, and avoided any other Pokemon.

“GLameow...!” The Pokemon calmed down, frustrated at Ben for not even trying.

“I’m sorry, my leg hurts and I have no experience, you couldn’t tell me what to do could you? I had to keep you in control...” Ben sighed trying to reason with Glameow.
Suddenly, the sun came back out and the forest trees were away from them. Ben gave Glameow a very gentle stoke on her soft ears and smiled.

“There’s Professor Rowan’s Lab! Let’s go girl!” Ben shouted without thinking, embarrassing Glameow a little bit.

Ben ran straight down the sand path with nothing but his Pokemon friend and grass beside him.

“Glameow? Meow Meow?” The cat sounded obviously alarmed.

“Hmm...I need to look at my map right?” Ben guessed in a clueless manner. Glameow replied with a stern nod.

The map was as long as his arm, so he sat down on the grass, took off his heavy bag and tried to read it. Glameow helped him by pointing out where he was, and where the Lab was.

“Thank you, now let’s get going!” Ben praised. “So it’s straight on until we see a Poke Centre and his lab should be next to it? Ok!”

10 minutes later, it was evening time and in front of them was a bright red roofed building that looked like it was from the future, a Poke Ball logo just like the one on his cap and he was sure it was Poke Centre.

“GLAMEOW!” His friend’s eyes grew big as she franticly waved her paws at the lab next to it, quite gray but looked very similar to the Poke Centre, but bigger.

They dashed inside.

“Hello, can I help you two?” Said a familiar voice, like it was someone Ben had heard on the TV before.

Ben looked around him, it was a Pokemon Paradise. Ben dropped onto his knees and got out his Pokemon Card from his bag.

“I’m a starting trainer sir; I’m here for my Pokemon!” He explained dreamily.

“I’m very sorry to disappoint you, but all of your options well...your options ran away...” The person, who said this, was wearing an old brown coat, a brown hat and was seemingly in his 60’s. Not many of his features could be seen, except his white moustache and small beard. This was Professor Rowan for sure.

“I’ll look for them! I’ll bring them back for you!” Ben eagerly said, even though he was very sad and disappointed. He thoughtlessly ran out of the lab, only to be confronted by that same Shellos he was attacked by in the forest.

Glameow saw the threat, and made use of the open space and dived in with her sharp claws, trying to score some fury swipes. The Shellos merely moved its head and it’s horns took the attack no problem.

“Glameow listen to me! Get onto the Grass!” Ben firmly commanded the shocked Glameow.

It did so, leapfrogging Shellos and landing on the smooth short grass. Shellos shivered for a moment, thinking about going onto the green surface.

“Of course...Shellos is a water and ground type, it won’t like the grass!” Professor Rowan spectated.

Shellos turned around for an unknown reason, plotting something.

“Glameow, leapfrog over Shellos then use Fury Swipes!” Ben’s confidence grew as he said it.

This combo had a chance, as Glameow elegantly left the grass and landed on Shellos’s back, it swiftly turned around but no cat was there. It was knocked into the grass after Glameows sharp claws barraged Shellos’s slimy thin neck.

“I’ve got him where I want him!”

Glameow looked up at Ben, smiling at him and looking for a sign. Ben nodded, and Glameow dived straight for Shellos which was now on the grass. Shellos closed it’s eyes and without warning, a hard blow was recived on Glameow’s cheek as it fell in midair and covered it’s eyes.

“What just happened!?” Ben asked the professor.

“Your Glameow was hit by a Mud Slap attack, which hit it in the face, blinding it for a while...” He replied with a neutral tone.

Ben looked at Shellos’s little flippers; one had more brown than the other, which was the hard hitter. The Shellos cheered itself on whilst slowly slithering towards Glameow. The cat groaned as it still had its eyes closed and covered. There was only one way to win. She needed to use her senses.

Ben’s thoughts were working quickly: “its movement can be heard easily, and I’m sure the mud has a smell...” He opened his eyes and watched Glameow receive a Tackle attack from Shellos’s horns and knocked Glameow onto the solid sand path.

“Glameow get up!”Ben said as he thought. “Listen to its movement, sniff out the mud!”

A cat’s ears and nose were its best senses, and this applied. Glameow gave a nod to Shellos, intimidating it.

“Glameow Bite into its muddy flippers!” Ben shouted.

Shellos was ready to counter as Glameow shook and played it into her trap. Shellos was too slow, it moved its flippers to attack, but the cat had already launched itself in, Shellos shook and screamed.

“Glameow, back off!” Ben commanded strictly.

Professor Rowan enlarged a Poke Ball out of his Pocket.

“Ben, throw it at Shellos!”

Ben softly reached for it, and focused on Shellos then threw it with so much strength he tripped over. He and Glameow were both on the floor as the Ball hit Shellos and sucked it in with it’s red aura. The ball shook once...twice...

Pokemon Target: Shellos
Characters with spaces: 8,846

02-12-2008, 03:56 PM
I guess I'll grade this. -wink-

I'll have it up within a couple o' hours. ^.^


Plot / Introduction

So, a journey type of story, eh? This is one of the many overused plots, it's a bit boring unless you add some twists and turns in the plot, which you didn't. You need to elaborate your plot and be creative, it really helps your story build a solid plot. For the introduction, meh, it wasn't bad. Your description of Ben was pretty accurate, but I didn't see the surroundings or Ben's Mom or the household items very well. You should always give the basics of a story at the introduction / start. Try and use other stories to see how your introduction should be, and what it has. ^^;


This was fine, maybe you should try elaborate the plot and add twists and turns, and then you would have lengthened it up more. Also, if you flesh out all of your description you could add on a lot to this story. Length isn't something you need to worry about, it's the contents of it. ^^; Good job


Meh, this was pretty good. You included all the comma's and I didn't see anything out of order to be honest. Your wording was correct most of the time and I thought you did really well on your grammar and spelling. =D There's only a couple of mistakes I had trouble finding, which is pretty good. It seems you have a good grasp of grammar. Just remember, scan over your story several times to look for mispelled words yourself, it helps your grammar and gives me more time, and that you should watch out for typos.

His friend’s eyes grew big as she franticly waved her paws at the lab next to it, quite gray but looked very similar to the Poke Centre, but bigger.

"gray" is spelt incorrectly, it's probably just where you live though, it should be "grey".

She put all of it into his backpack, and continued

There should be a comma after "continued". :J

He and Glameow were both on the floor as the Ball hit Shellos and sucked it in with it’s red aura. The ball shook once...twice

Ooh, this little typo caught you out, gah. xDD "it's" should be "its". ^_^

In general, well done on this. I didn't have to point out much dire mistakes to be honest. Congrats. ^_^

Description / Detail

This was pretty vivid too. I like when someone uses their imagination like you did. Instead of just describing people though, you have to describe Pokémon too, after all, some people may not be familiar with Pokémon Diamond and Pearl games. :3 You actually did describe every sense well, you were just lacking a little in personality. You gave smells, which is something a lot of people never do. Well done on that, it really helps me get a clear view of something. Just remember that you have to be all-round with your adjective usage. It get's a little boring when you use the same ones over and over again. Just remember that you have to describe people in the backgrounds too. =D I mean, you mentioned some people in the crowd, so why not describe them too? Overall, this was really well done with most senses, I'mma give you good job on this.


This was a high point in your story, meh, maybe not the climax; but it was good. ^_^ I mean, your move usage was really good, and for once you actually used your surroundings. You were pretty imaginative too, just remember. You should always be really, really creative. That means adding in chases, battles in trees, battles in the crowd, pretty much anything can happen. xD But you did pretty well on this, so I'mma give you credit for that. To be honest, I don't have much to crit about on this. Well done.


Meh, what can I say? You did pretty well in each section, your description was good and so was your grammar; despite your unoriginal plot and introduction, Shellos Captured! Have fun! =P

02-13-2008, 03:15 PM
:) Thank you, you really are a Pikahero. I've written a bit of the second part, so I'll take your advice and put it in, I'll pm you when its ready. Thank you. :)


02-14-2008, 11:46 AM
3 Rolls and it stopped, echoing a solid capture.

“Glameow...I DID IT!” Ben cried, dancing around happily like a little elf.

“Congratulations Ben that was your very first capture!” Professor Rowan cheered, taking his hat off to him.
Ben smiled as he watched the moonlight intensify, and then asked Professor Rowan a question.

“Would I be able to capture the starter Pokemon myself for you tomorrow Professor?” He cheerfully asked.

“Come inside Ben, we’ll talk inside as the darkness makes me feel insecure, besides, Glameow might need some help!” The Professor replied now proud of Ben.

The lab was a seemingly nice place to be in; the brightness and the curiosity of young minds like Ben could explode at any minute.

“Glameow!!!” Ben’s Pokemon moaned at him, reminding him of his mother.

“OH YEAH! She’s going to be worried sick about me...” Ben panicked all of a sudden.

“Do you need a phone Ben?”

“Yes Please!” Ben was answered by a point of his hand.

There was a small booth with a door, which was blue coloured. He went inside being followed by Glameow and there it was. Like a very tall computer with a keyboard and a screen, this was a computer phone.

“Glameow, can you type the number for me?” He asked politely yet somewhat calmly.

Glameow replied with action, but Ben was not impressed with her typing skills, the paws just flew everywhere, not to mention Ben had to pick her up to reach. The usual dialling tone sounded, and in 20 seconds, his mothers face was on the screen, but very pale.

“Ben where have you been, I’ve been worried sick about you!” She franticly asked.

“Mom, I caught my very first Pokemon with Glameow!” Ben said, trying to cheer her up.

“Congratulations! But don’t change the subject mister!” She scolded him.

Another voice came into the conversation.

“Ben, can I please have a word with your mother in privacy?” Professor Rowan stepped in.

Ben nodded, presuming the professor would get him out of trouble; he walked out of the door and sat on the leather red sofa upstairs in the lab. Ben decided he should spend some time with Shellos, to get to know the nice and friendly side of it.

“Shellos, I choose you!” He called his Pokemon out after taking its Poke Ball out of his bag.

“Shellos!” The Pokemon grinned, happy to be with its new trainer.

Ben put his bag down on the floor and smiled, Glameow smiled at Shellos as if it was saying sorry. Shellos nodded back at Glameow, and then looked up at Ben.

“Shellos, I just need to check some of your stats and stuff on my Pokedex,” Ben said.
It was the best way to find out its gender, moves and basic information, Glameow took the Pokedex from his bag, and dropped it down for him. The look of it was very strange; it was red and looked like a book on its side, but smaller. A Pokedex reminded Ben of a games console he had called a “Nintendo DS” which had two screens and plenty of buttons to push. He unfolded it, pointed it at the Shellos and pressed the small circular button with A on it.

The top screen came up with different pictures of Shellos, while the bottom screen showed a lot of information.

“Shellos, the Sea Slug Pokemon, This Pokemon changes it’s colour to suit its surroundings,” The Pokedex said, reading out the information.

“So, this Shellos is a Male, it knows Recover, Muddy Water...and it’s very healthy!” Ben read out cheerfully.

Both Pokemon smiled, as loud steps from the stairs sounded, Professor Rowan’s neutral face came into sight, Ben was the first person to tell him the good news about Shellos.

“Ben, I have better news! First of all, you know that Shellos? That was the 1st Pokemon out of your starter Pokemon choices!” He said.

Ben sighed. “Does this mean that the starter Pokemon I catch I won’t be able to keep?” Ben said almost rude enough to be classified as selfish.

“I’m not sure; you see if you can catch the only remaining Pokemon then I’d be glad to let you keep it but...” He slowly stopped.

“But what Professor Rowan?” Ben asked eagerly.

“Pokemon Rangers will be on their way tomorrow...if you can capture the Pokemon before they do, you can keep it,” He explained thoroughly.

“Ok Professor...I need to get to sleep though...I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Ben said whilst nodding to Professor Rowan.

Ben turned around and got straight into the bed, without taking his clothes off or anything as if he was going out in 3 minutes.

“Shellos, turn off the lights ok?” Ben commanded.

Shellos did so, but a bit messier than he had hoped as the Shellos turned the lights off using a Mud Shot at the light switch. Ben ignored this and went straight back to sleep...

In the morning, around 6AM, Ben awoke from his slumber as did Glameow and Shellos. He covered his mouth and yawned. He fell back asleep...

“OW!” Ben shouted as he received a cold stinky mud slap attack from Shellos.

“Shellos...thanks I guess!” Ben lowered his voice.

Glameow’s eyes glimmered in the dark, and turned her back against Ben. There was a yellow sticky note attached to the tip of her tail, and Ben softly and slowly pulled it off.

It Read: “Ben, I know you’re going to leave early, so let me say this: The Pokemon you need to find has a yellow sticky note on it, just like the one Glameow has, if you don’t find it, come back to me, The best of luck, Professor Rowan”

Ben had an idea.

“Shellos, you seem like quite a chaotic Pokemon...I need you to hang around the place where you fought Glameow, just on the sand path,” Ben asked, sticking the yellow sticky note on Shellos’s shell.

“Shellos?” The Pokemon answered with a curious tone, expecting more to be said.

“My Pokedex tells me that you have an ability called Sticky Hold, which means you can hold onto the sticky note as long as you need to. I’m going to pretend that you are the escaped Pokemon, and tell the Pokemon Ranger to come after you, you need to fight him and not let him capture you ok?” Ben showed a cunning side neither Pokemon had seen before.

Shellos nodded with a grin, it was obvious this was also a test for him.

“Glameow, you’re coming with me, once the plan goes into action and finishes, I’ll come back for you I promise Shellos!” And with that, they walked downstairs and walked out of the lab.

The sun was just rising, yet surprisingly there were a lot of people in the market, which was next to the Poke Centre, that would be the place to look for the Pokemon.

“Shellos, go!” Ben whispered.

Shellos obeyed and swiftly crawled over to the area Ben mentioned. Glameow was suddenly picked up like she was some sort of baby by Ben.

“Play along Glameow,” He whispered again.

They walked into the festive market, as the Easter sales season had just begun. Most people were wearing dresses, but this led Ben to think the Pokemon was hiding here. Maybe it was a Togepi in disguise?

“Meow...” Glameow pinched Ben.

Ben looked up, and there he was, a fancy Pokemon Ranger. With a black shirt, red overcoat and fancy blonde hair, this ranger intimidated Ben so much, but he kept his emotions to himself and played his little act.

“Sir, please help! There’s this maniac Pokemon on the loose! It has this weird yellow sticky note on it!” Ben said sincerely, he played it so well as if it was true.

“Woah! Really? I’ll tame it for you!” The Ranger said very quickly, Ben knew exactly why.

Ben pointed to where the “maniac” was and with that; the Ranger was off in a heartbeat. Ben had some time; he just hoped Shellos could fight well. Glameow flinched, Ben looked around, and a yellow sticky note was peaking out of one of the “candy” stalls.

Ben recklessly dived at the stall and fell over the shy to find a black thin tail with a star on the end waving in his face. Glameow of course fell with him, and tackled into the Pokemon. Doing this however made the sweet bags fall on all three of them, as the side of the stall collapsed.

“Glameow Chase it!” Ben commanded the Pokemon.

Ben’s Pokedex fell out of his bag, and on the top screen it showed the Pokemon with the yellow sticky notes picture, it’s front half was blue, it had 4 legs and was rather small, it’s second half was black, and the Pokemon was Electric. Ben didn’t have enough time to read the information so he shook off the sweet wrappers and ran after Glameow.

Very loud comments were thrown across the crowd; Ben was hoping they wouldn’t interfere. He kept on running forwards through the crowds and stalls and at last he found the crowds gathered in a circle, so Ben pushed through and found the two Pokemon.

“GLAMEOW!” The feline female cat said.

“I wonder why that Shinx has a sticky note on it,” A person in the crowd said loud enough for Ben to hear, giving him the name of the runaway Pokemon.

Shinx started to get angry at its surroundings, and out of its body large sparks flew out everywhere which nearly hit Glameow. Luckily, Glameow had the cover of a woman in a dress, because Glameow ran up her pants and rustled franticly about. Ben slapped his head in embarrassment

Shinx pushed its way out of the crowd, and used one of the stalls as a boost to make it to the roof of one. Glameow’s cover kept shaking about, so she dropped out and looked up at Ben.

“Glameow, get to Shinx and use Fury Swipes!” Ben said.

Ben sighed. “This won’t work; I don’t have a Poke ball...” He pondered.

But out of nowhere was a Poke ball, which had dropped out of Glameow’s cover. Ben quickly swooped down and grabbed one, then forced his way through to get a clear view of the battle.

On top of the roof, it looked like Glameow had only just got to the top, but Glameow dived in unleashing its sharp claws. It was too late though, as Shinx just turned around and used a Tail whip in quick succession. Glameow was knocked back, nearly falling off the roof, but managed to stay on top. Ben was there to catch Glameow though.

Glameow’s eyes were filled with fury as if they were locked onto Shinx, maybe it was a Mean Look attack! Thought Ben.

Shinx was not intimidated at this point, and started charging itself with electricity, which could be unleashed any second.

“Glameow, use Sand Attack then Tail Whip!” Ben shouted.

There was too much of a risk for Glameow to attack, and for Shinx to react at the right time. Sand sprayed out of Glameow’s tail, which was thick and Brown, and doused out some of Shinx’s charge and then with no time to react, slammed its tail into Shinx.

Shinx growled furiously and the electricity grew stronger and stronger.

“Glameow, Tackle it!” Screamed Ben.

Glameow shook in alert, but ignored her emotions, she charged in with speed, but Shinx saw it coming. They both collided, and a mighty explosion occurred. Both Pokemon fell off of the roof, Glameow landed safely on Ben, and Shinx was doomed. Ben had no other thought. He threw the Poke ball up in the air to catch Shinx, it hit and it...

Going For: Shinx
Characters Needed: 5-10k
Characters with spaces: 10,679

02-14-2008, 01:32 PM
Ehh, dibs on this 'cause I need to grade more. And I noticed that you used Glameow. <33

02-16-2008, 08:13 AM
I am a patient person, but the rules state that if you reserve a story, you must grade it in a full day, I've seen you online for the past two days, and you have posted anything to do with this story, could you please tell me why?


Crystal Pikachu
02-16-2008, 01:49 PM
Ugh, not being rude, but what if he's working on the grade? You can't just tell him what he has to do, if he reserves it, and doesn't grade it within a couple of days, then you can complain. But remember, sometimes grades don't come for a week. Plox, be patient!

02-16-2008, 03:52 PM
Thanks for that, Ryan. =]

And yes, sorry for the wait. But there were family issues that I'd rather not discuss, and it doesn't help when you have a tantrum when I take two days to get this up.


After catching the Shellos, Ben takes it back to Professor Rowan's lab and learns more about it. After sleeping, he leaves the next day to capture a Pokemon with a sticky note on it before the Pokemon Rangers do.

I was very confused with this, particularly as to why the Pokemon had a sticky note and the Pokemon Rangers being there. If you have a continuation, you may have a different grader, which means you'll need to add some sort of explanation to awkward parts of the story. I went back and read through it, and I understand now, but some sort of recap in the story would've been helpful.

Once I got past the barrier of not understanding, I actually quite enjoyed the plot. I thought it was rather clever, and instead of just chasing a Pokemon around the square, he had a good reason. The Sticky Hold was cute, but if Ben had just caught it I don't think he'd leave it to fight off Rangers single-handedly.

That brings us to another aspect of the story: Realism. I had a few issues with the unrealistic parts of your story. Glameow probably couldn't type in the numbers for a telephone call, and then the reaction of Ben's mother was a bit over the top. Yes, he'd been out a while, but wouldn't she be more excited about him catching a Pokemon? And she wouldn't be that worried IMO anyways. The Pokeball just appearing from where Glameow was hiding was a bit odd. It was probably the lady's, but still... o_o

All of this reality stuff is for improvements, but it won't hinder the capture at this level of difficulty. If you attempt something harder, things will need to be more realistic for the reader to understand and relate to better. Another way to improve is by adding depth to your characters, which I didn't really feel here. It isn't as important in easier capture stories, but you'll really need to stick to one personaltiy and bring it out in an implicit way by how you describe their actions.


Not too great in this section. Here are some errors I picked up on.

“Glameow...I DID IT!” Ben cried, dancing around happily like a little elf.

While this isn't really an error, you don't need to go overboard with capital letters in this sentence. The exclamation mark would suffice.

“Would I be able to capture the starter Pokemon myself for you tomorrow Professor?” He cheerfully asked.

The word 'he' wouldn't need a capital letter after the dialogue. Even though there's a question mark, that isn't the end of the sentence, since it doesn't make sense on its own. Only put a capital letter after dialogue if you use a proper noun directly after it, like someone's name.

“Come inside Ben, we’ll talk inside as the darkness makes me feel insecure, besides, Glameow might need some help!” The Professor replied now proud of Ben.

Same as above; you don't need the capital 't'. And you'd most likely want a semi-colon after 'insecure', since it's joining two independent clauses, meaning you could put a period there too.

“Glameow!!!” Ben’s Pokemon moaned at him, reminding him of his mother.

Never use more than one exclamation mark or question mark. It makes it look messy and more than one isn't needed.

Glameow replied with action, but Ben was not impressed with her typing skills, the paws just flew everywhere, not to mention Ben had to pick her up to reach.

This sentence is worded kind of awkwardly. It doesn't really flow very well, and sounds weird when you say it outloud. You could say, "Glameow replied with action, but Ben was not impressed by her typing skills; her paws just flew everywhere - not to mention that Ben had to pick her up to reach."

Again, you could change the semi-colon to a period. And you wouldn't really say 'the paws'. If you were reffering to Glameow you'd say 'Glameow's paws' or 'her paws'.

“Congratulations Ben that was your very first capture!” Professor Rowan cheered, taking his hat off to him.

You've missed out commas here. When addressing someone, Ben in this example, you'd want a comma before it if their name is at the end of the sentence, a comma after it if their name is at the start of the sentence, or one before and after if their name is in the middle of the sentence.

Congratulations, Ben, on your very first capture.
Congratulations on your very first capture, Ben.
Ben, congratulations on your very first capture.

Other places where you'd want a comma are where you pause if you read it aloud. As a general rule of thumb, read what you have outloud and put a comma where you pause.

There were repeated errors that I mentioned above, but there's no point mentioning them as I've already covered them and it'd be wasting both of our time, and judging by your comment you don't like time wasting.


Lovely. Going over is always good. Quality > Quantity by a million, but having enough length definitely improves your chances of capturing said Pokemon.


Ehh, this is where I have mixed feelings. The story was moderately described, but then it seemed like you tried too hard to make your story sound more professional. Like using long words that didn't really fit in where you put them. It just made it feel a bit forced and not natural.

Ben smiled as he watched the moonlight intensify

This is an example of what you were doing. Why would he be watching the moon 'intensify'? And in all fairness, he might be watching the moonlight intensify, but certainly not the moon itself. After he watched it, he asked the professor a question, so he wouldn't have cared to much about the moon anyway, particularly if he had just caught his first Pokemon.

we’ll talk inside as the darkness makes me feel insecure,

This wasn't as bad as the first example, but being a fully grown man and handling dangerous Pokemon as a professor, he wouldn't really be 'insecure' about the darkness like a child. You could've said he didn't like the dark, or it even frightened him, but being insecure is somewhat different to being scared.

You seem to have the same problem with the characters as I mentioned in the story section. I couldn't picture them too well, personality or appearance wise. Describing them is very important, as they are what builds your story and what your story is about. Without characters, nothing in your story would happen. If you have trouble with deciding who's the most important character and who needs the most attention with describing, just imagine the story without them. What would and wouldn't happen in the story with said character gone? Having the characters realisticly described with their personalities helps the reader relate to them.


I guess this was long enough for a Shinx, but it would be better having a longer battle next time. I'm glad that you used the area around in the battle, as a lot of people forget to or can't be bothered, but for extra points you could've made it more realistic. Because market stalls are quite small, Glameow couldn't have been hit very hard for it to manage to stay on top of the stall. Maybe you pictured the rooftop differently to what I did, but that's just something I'd like to point on. Still, you did good to include a terrain in there.

About the descriptions... Well, there were a few good ones, but I had a problem with some of them.

Sand sprayed out of Glameow’s tail, which was thick and Brown,

With a Sand Attack, it's more like the Pokemon kicking up dirt/sand from the ground at the other Pokemon. I can't really imagine sand coming out of Glameow's tail, and Sand Attack wouldn't really work on a rooftop as there isn't really any sand on a Market Stall.

They both collided, and a mighty explosion occurred.

You say they both collided, but you didn't mention what Shinx's reaction was and what he did. From just a Tackle, I can't imagine that there would be an explosion. Even if there was, it'd have a great impact on the area around them. The Market Stall would lie in pieces, Glameow would be severley burned, people around might get hit by pieces of metal from the stall, and there could even be some rumbling in the ground. Stuff like that really hurts your overall outcome at higher levels of capture because it's so unlikely to happen.

Outcome: Ehh, I guess this was good enough for Shinx, so Shinx Captured! It was close, so bear what I've mentioned in mind.

Tips for next time:

- Work on explaining the plot for anyone who hasn't read the other parts, especially the grader
- Proof read your writing and run it through a Spell Checker of some sort
- Make your story more realistic and believable

02-16-2008, 05:17 PM
Sorry Djax, I didn't mean to whine like that. Thank you for pointing out my errors man, thanks. :)