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2wings
02-14-2008, 02:18 PM
Pikachu in love
A Valentine special

This story is mainly influenced by “You’re Beautiful” By James Blunt and “Kiss me” By Katie Melua. I recommend you listen to the songs; it emphasizes the story a lot.
Chapter One
A ride on a train

Brian lived on a planet called Zion, where Pokemon lived with Humans in peace, where Pokemon had jobs, used trains to travel about, and wore plain clothing like Human’s do. He lived in a place called Casper town and had to take the train daily to get to his job at Pollen city some fifty miles north of Casper town.

He was in the subway, his round, red cheeks gleaming; his bright yellow skin complimented his cheeks, providing a sort of background. His dark black eyes spotted the train about to head of to Pollen city, he ran towards it, as fast as his Pikachu feet would take him, dragging his suitcase by his side with difficulty.

He managed to make it into the train alive, just missing the sliding doors. He shoved past the crowd and took his place in the middle of the train, being the place he felt safest on the speedy electric trains of Casper town.

He looked out of the window at the station, it was Valentine’s Day and couples were unluckily being separated on this romantic day. Brian stared at the numerous amounts of people. All holding hands and sharing kisses, most of them in a close embrace. He sighed, thinking of how he would never find love.

“My life is brilliant….” He thought sarcastically, looking down at his briefcase.

My life is brilliant...

He now looked around at the people inside the train; a couple of Aron, a Mareep, some Linoone, he flicked his eyes through the people. Then he stopped, her beauty entranced him, she was a Luvdisc, her heart shaped body perfect in every way, the soft pink and red shades seemed plastered on to her. She was angelic.

My life is brilliant,
My love is pure,
I saw an angel,
Of that I’m sure.

She was about Brian’s height, their eyes met and Brian smiled at her hopefully, she smiled back; it was an awkward smile and with good reason. She was with Mudkip,
She was with another man…


She smiled to me on the subway,
She was with another man,
But I won’t lose my sleep on that,
‘Cos I got a plan,


But it didn’t stop Brian from thinking up a way to get closer to her, to get to know her. The train suddenly stopped, the train operator announced that they had arrived at Pollen city.


You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
It’s true,
I saw your face,
In a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
I will never be with you,


“You’re beautiful…” he whispered looking at her, although she couldn’t even hear him. “You’re beautiful, it’s true...” He looked around, a tear sliding down his face, he was in a crowded place, and there was nothing he could do. He knew he was never going to be with her…


Yes, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by,
She could see from my face,
That I was flying high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last to the end,


Luckily she was getting off here too; he didn’t want to look suspicious so he walked on by, yes! They had made eye contact, it was only for a moment, but it would be one that would last forever in Brian’s heart; he was in love. His happiness quickly died away as he realized that he would probably never see her again. At least they shared a moment that would last to the end.


You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
It’s true,
I saw your face,
In a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
Cause I will never be with you,

“You’re beautiful!” He said, this time making sure she heard, truth easily identified in his confident voice, “You’re beautiful…. It’s true.”

The Luvdisc stared at him, not sure what to answer back. Her boyfriend now stepped in, giving him a “Keep – your – hands – off!” Look.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
when she thought up that I should be with you,

An angel was smiling up from heaven, she had destined Brian to meet this girl, Brian knew it had to be destiny; he wasn’t going to let a Mudkip get in the way of his soul mate.

They stepped out to battle, Brian tearing his clothes off, looking determined to win the girl of his dreams.

The Luvdisc tried to stop her boy – friend, telling him not to hurt Brian. She knew he loved her, in the short moment in which she had eye - contact with him, she had realized that she had loved him too. The Mudkip protested, whispering words of “dignity” and “honour” before stepping onto the bare subway pavement.

All the people had circled Brian and Jasper, the Mudkip; as if it were a street fight. Brain had no chance against Jasper; electric attacks had no effect on Mudkip.

Cackling electric surrounded the electric Pokemon, he was using a Charge attack. He then used Thunderbolt, trying his best to channel all his power into it. He wasn’t thinking straight, his brain was clouded by the immense power that held over him; love.

Jasper stood there, un – affected by the electric attack. Then he took a deep breath, concentrating hard before launching mud - shot.

It hit Brian squarely in the chest, sending him flying into the street; he landed on a sign that read, “Keep off the grass.”
Jasper quickly ran out after him, Skidding on the floor and tossing up large amounts of mud from the grass at Brian.

The Mud – Slap attack in concession with the Mud shot had greatly weakened Brian. One more and it would be over.

Jasper fired another mud shot, it shot through the air and hit Brian. Brian now lay crumpled on the floor, no more energy left in him, scratches and mud all over him.

The Luvdisc shed a tear, thinking that Brian was dead. As the teardrop hit the ground a sudden roar announced the entrance of a Blizzard. Sent from the heavens above, the blizzard hit Jasper with full force before matting the whole city with ice.

Brian stood up, shaking all over. He limped towards Rose, the pink Luvdisc. He stumbled a couple of times before reaching her.

Kiss me out of the bearded barley,
nightly, beside the green, green grass,

The grass had a small patch of bearded barley growing amongst it. Brian stood on it as he met with rose. He bent down and he began kissed her, out of the bearded barley, beside the green grass. The audience started to clap heartily, some women were crying.

Swing, swing, swing the spinning step,
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

He swung her toward the left, spinning on the spot, he pictured himself doing it on their wedding day, him wearing his black polished wedding shoes and her wearing a majestic white dressing gown.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight,
Lead me out on the moonlit floor,
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling,
So kiss me!


She pictured the day of their wedding simultaneously; the kiss they shared was enough to confirm that they belonged together. She pictured being lead out onto the moonlit veranda, Brian lifted his open hand, music started to play as they danced elegantly, the moon sparkling on them, and then Brian leaned in and kissed her.

Kiss me down by the broken tree house,
Swing me upon its hanging tire,
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat,
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map,


Pictures of them being together all through their life flashed by in Brian’s head; A broken tree house that belonged to their children, Brian swung up Rose on the hanging tire, he brought his flowered hat, putting it on before following a trail his father had marked on a map. Hand in hand they followed the romantic trail, caring of nothing but their love and the love they had for their children.

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
we’ll take the trail marked on your father's map

All these moments soon to be also flashed in Rose’s mind, it was inevitable; they were in love and they were going to get married. They stopped kissing, Brian got on his knees, looking deeply into Rose’s eyes.

‘Rose,’ He asked. ‘Will you marry me?’

Rose shed another tear although, in happiness this time, she scanned Brian’s face.

‘Yes!’ she said. ‘Yes!’

The people around them clapped and whistled, as Brian swept her off her feet, kissing her again one more time.

Chapter Two
The wedding

It was just a week since Brian had met Rose and already the bride was walking down the aisle towards him, her father leading her to the end of the red silk rug. She unveiled herself and turned to look at the vicar. Brian put an arm around her, actions and words alone couldn’t explain how much he loved her.

The priest had begun talking:

“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two people, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years,
May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth. In god’s name, I announce you, Husband and Wife!”


Brian took Rose in her arms and kissed her, every kiss they shared had a meaning to it, a meaning that couldn’t be put into words.

“Do you have anything to say?” Said the Human priest, referring to the vows they had probably written for each other.

Brian cleared his throat, and read:

“I love you. You are my best friend.
Today I give myself to you in marriage.
I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you,
and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
when life seems easy and when it seems hard,
when our love is simple, and when it is an effort.
I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard,
these things I give to you today, and all the days of our life.”

There was a round of applause, women and men, Pokemon and relatives, everyone was there. Some Luvdisc relatives were crying, proud to see their relative getting married.

It was Rose’s turn and she looked into his eyes, she had memorized her vows. She started speaking, her soft voice reverberating through the cathedral:

“Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again.
I look forward with great joy to spending the rest of my
life with you, caring for you, nurturing you, being there for you in all life
has for us, and I vow to be true and faithful for as long
as we both shall live.”

Short, but sweet; there was another round of applause, people snapped photos as Brian and Rose kissed again, as if they couldn’t have enough of each other. They were in love.

Everyone stepped outside onto a dance floor. A band started playing a song, it had great meaning to both Brian and Rose, it told their story quite plainly.

My life is brilliant...

Brian held his hand around Rose’s waist and they started to dance.

My life is brilliant,
My love is pure,

Other people started to crowd around them, a circle of couples were dancing around Brian and Rose.

I saw an angel,
Of that I’m sure.

They were soul mates, they were sure of it.

She smiled to me on the subway,
She was with another man,
But I won’t lose my sleep on that,
‘Cos I got a plan,

You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful,
It’s true,
I saw your face,
In a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
I will never be with you,

Brian couldn’t believe how accurate this song was in describing how he had felt, what he had thought on the day he met the love of his life.

They danced to the slow beat and the dreamy voice of James Blunt. Brian and Rose would go on to live a happily ever after…

**

On the other side of Zion, another Luvdisc named Caroline was swimming through the rippling seas. She had no idea she was about to be attacked, drained of her potential. The sky above her was like a molten sea of gold; the sun was setting. As she advanced forward she noticed a streamlined boat floating peacefully on the reflective, blue ocean water.

Out of nowhere a Lanturn sent a thunderbolt attack from its antennae. Caroline panicked, what happened next could have been instinct, or it could’ve just been luck.

Caroline dived, with all the mastery of a scuba diving champion, sending a cluster of bubbles swimming to the surface, the Lanturn dove almost a second after, showing off its diving skills. It whizzed past Caroline and sharply turning to face her.

Shocked, Caroline shot a stream of water at the Lanturn. The Lanturn sneered, after taking the full blow of the attack it seemed un – affected.

Lanturn re – acted with a shock wave attack, perilous and unavoidable. The attack caused the underground water to light up momentarily; it was like lightning under – water. The water gave lightning attacks a boost; they wouldn’t miss. This didn’t matter at the moment since shock – wave never missed anyways.

Caroline absorbed the attack, she had to layout a plan that would help her get away. Not even stopping to think why a Pokemon would attack so suddenly, without any warning? The answer was simple; Liam Connelly was sitting on a Lapras on the surface, waiting for the Luvdisc to re – surface, he wanted that Pokemon, it was Valentine’s Day and it would prove to be the perfect gift for his girlfriend. Liam was a short kid, no older than Eleven years. His Pokemon mastery at such an early age was proved to come from his father, who was one of the greatest Pokemon trainer’s at his time.

Caroline had been anticipating this next attack, the once peaceful skies started to cackle, electricity forming ominously. The water started swirling, as if predicting a disaster, omens were something Liam believed in, he knew from the moment he saw the water swirling that something was about to happen. The blue Pokemon that was about to attack Caroline had tiny fins; it was more or less a blue angler fish.

The cackling electricity in the sky gathered up, electrons stiffening the once soft air. Then suddenly a flash of thunder an ear deafening boom – Lanturn had launched its thunder attack.

Liam smiled, pleased. That attack would have easily caused the poor Luvdisc to faint, but just incase it survived the blow or had a trick up its sleeve, it would have to re – surface before the second one hit.

This was exactly the case under water – Caroline had seen it coming, in her defense, she used protect, a swift ball of blue energy surrounded Caroline, protecting her from the oncoming attack. The electricity bounced off the heart – shaped Pokemon.

Caroline was running out of options, she couldn’t risk another protect attack – it might fail. She decided to re – surface and reduce her chance of being hit by another Thunder attack. She swam swiftly towards the surface; where Liam was waiting for her. The Lanturn didn’t follow, annoyed, it was concentrating and launching another Thunder attack.

Caroline surfaced, she would’ve crossed her finger but she didn’t have any. Instead, she put her faith in the old saying, “Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place.”


Luvdisc turned around – too late an ice beam attack had been sent her way from a majestic blue Pokemon, it had a small blue horn and a hard – looking grey shell. Lapras was sneering, it knew they had Caroline cornered.

The Ice beam attack hit Caroline, it was very effective, she looked enraged now; Two on one? These Pokemon had no dignity; they had lost it all once they had been trapped into the Pokeball that would enslave them to their trainer.

She didn’t have time to think, Caroline fired a stream of water at Lapras, it shot out, looking powerful, but something was up, it didn’t hit Lapras, it was aimed at the trainer.

Shocked, Liam covered his face and was blown off Lapras’ back; such was the power of the Hydro pump attack.

It was too late for Caroline, she had made two mistakes; One was failing to keep her calm, the other, forgetting about Lanturn.

The Thunder attack surged at Caroline at top speed, boasting its great power as it struck the poor Water Pokemon.

Liam had swum to Lapras and mounted it again, fixing his green hair - his dark black eyes firing up with rage. He ordered Lapras to use Thunderbolt, a hint of victory in his voice.

“Come on, Lapras one more Thunderbolt and its over!” He shouted; he didn’t realize that Pokemon had to be free; he was taking away the future of this Luvdisc.

The Thunderbolt hit the helpless water Pokemon, it fainted immediately.


Caroline fainted; she would never know the meaning of love…

The ambitious trainer threw a Pokeball that had powers to bind Caroline to him. Enslaving her into obeying its commands, this was life, some are successful, and some aren’t. This Luvdisc was one that wasn’t successful, Rose was.

The Pokeball sucked the Caroline away from the open water as Lanturn re – surfaced, a grin on its face.

“Good job.” He said, patting Lanturn before re-calling its Pokeball. Then, looking very stern, he put all his attention on the wiggling pokeball that lay floating in the water.

The spherical ball wiggled from left to right, determined to catch the trainer a new Pokemon.


----------------------------------------

Pokemon – Luvdisc
Length – 17.25k

Authors Comments: I think its one of my best work. I greatly enjoyed writing it. Dedicated to; All the people who didn’t get a Valentine and of course, all the crazy couples in love! Happy Valentine's day! (BTW, wrote this story in one day! =O)

pikahero2
02-15-2008, 11:01 AM
Dibs. :P BTW, Don't pester me if the grade takes long. :/

Crystal Pikachu
02-16-2008, 02:24 PM
Plot / Introduction

This was really cute, especially since it's Valentines day, though I wouldn't think a Pikachu would fall in love with a Luvdisc, since there like two entirely different Pokémon. I mean, Luvdisc is a usual type of Pokémon that you would use for Valentines day, I just felt that it was really unrealistic since a Pikachu fell for her. You could maybe have the Luvdisc be a little taller, and more... peppy like? Ah, I don't know. Remember that introductions are what should give the readers and graders a hook. I saw the remnantso of a hook, but I felt you could of made the introduction a tad more exciting. Maybe you could try and have maybe a quick argument between the Mudkip and Pikachu, and maybe the Mudkip and Pikachu could plot some revenge? It was be cooler like that. :D

I liked this plot, it wasn't really original, as there have been many love stories, just none with a wedding or anything. But I can see you were putting your creativity to the test, and you did that well. I think you could elaborate the plot more though, put all of your potential and abilities to the test. Kudos though, good job.

Length

This was pretty good, you nearly got to the middle, which is what all writers should aim for. You'll add one length by elaborating the plot and flushing out all of your description. Remember though, it's qaulity, not quantity. :)

Spelling / Grammar

Ah, this was decent. I can see that you have a good grasp of grammar, you didn't have too many mistakes, just some small typos here and there. Nice job, just remember to scan over your story a couple of times to catch out these errors.

he was entranced by her beauty,

It should be "her beauty entranced him,".

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.


'Tis a comma, aye? Then "when" shouldn't be capitalized.

The Mud – Slap attack in concession with the Mud shot had greatly weakened Brian. One more and he was out.

"was" should be "were".

; he landed on a sign that read “Keep off the grass.”

There should be a comma after "read".

As the tear drop hit the ground

"tear drop" shouldn't have a space. :]

some woman were crying.



Lulz, the plurals killed you. "woman" means theres only one of them, while the word you're looking for is "women", which means theres more than one.

, him wearing his black polished wedding shoes and her wearing a

There should be an "and" before "him".

She pictured the day of their wedding simultaneously,

I beleive the comma should be replaced by a semi-colon.

She looked into his eyes, she had memorized her vows

There should be an "and" before "she", as it breaks the comma usage.

With it; it also sucked away all the Pokemon’s true potential…..

"potential...." should be turned into "potential...", taking away one fullstop. :)

Detail / Description

This was ok, I mean, there wern't much descriptions, and you didn't really tell us how anyone felt, or described how they did things. What if I hadn't got the Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald games? Or what if I had never watched Pokémon advanced or the other one, how would I know what Luvdisc looked like? I might have forget or something, you also have to tell us what the Pikachu, Mudkip and Lanturn looked like. You don't have to flesh out a dictionary of descriptions on them, just some brief ones, it helps us know what they look like. Example, for Pikachu, you could write something like this:

Pikachu was a small, mouse thing, it had yellow fur and it had small, brown stripes on it's back. Aswell as rosy red cheeks that conduct electricity, and it's tail is in the shape of a lighting bolt.

See? It's not too deep, nor too simple, but it gives you a brief description of what Pikachu looks like. Also, the surroundings, what did the train look like, was it pink? Emerald? Sapphire? I know there usually silver or black or grey or something, but we have to know. Also, the trainer, all you described was the hair by saying; "the green-haired trainer". You didn't really describe his hair, except for the colour. You could be creative and say that it was a mint-ish colour or something. Was it bushy, spikey or anything? Let us know, aswell as his clothes and facial expressions, describe them.

Battle

This pretty much killed the story, I think there were two battles (not sure though,) and the first one was ok. But the second one was short, one-sided and bored. I mean, Lanturn is both water and electric, it wouldn't make Luvdisc badly hurt in one attack, Luvdisc should have still been able to put up a decent fight, maybe 2 attacks from each of them? It's bored when one-sided, so you should try make both of them put up a fight. AND HELLO? Luvdisc is in water, xDD :] I mean, it could go underneath the water, it could easily fight Lanturn and possibly win, you have to use your surroundings, it should your creativity really well. It helps to show that the Pokémon that's wild can fight too. :[

Outcome

Battle killed you, the description was ok, grammar was pretty good, and the introduction was cute, but Luvdisc not captured! PM me for a re-grade. :)

2wings
02-17-2008, 11:46 AM
Thanks for the grade, Pikahero dibbed it, so aren't you like "stealing" his grade? Anyways, I know the battle wasn't really long, but i thought having two battles would compensate. Furthermore some of your comments didn't make sense, namely:

Quote:
The Mud – Slap attack in concession with the Mud shot had greatly weakened Brian. One more and he was out.

"was" should be "were".

What do you mean? "One more and he wereout"? That just doesnt make sense.

The other one:

, him wearing his black polished wedding shoes and her wearing a

There should be an "and" before "him".

I strongly disagree, if you read the whole sentence it should be fine:

"He swung her towards the left, spinning on the spot, he pictured himself doing it on their wedding day, him wearing his black polished wedding shoes and her wearing a majestic white dressing gown."

I wrote this story in under two hours, i'll admit i didnt proof - read and the battle was boring, but i didnt even think it out, it just came to me. I'll add more description and edit the battle.

~2wings.

Crystal Pikachu
02-17-2008, 11:48 AM
You're not supposed to correct the grader, I'm only pointing out the flaws I saw. D:

2wings
02-17-2008, 12:47 PM
I have my rights. You weren't really pointing out flaws, you were making mistakes.

Leman
02-24-2008, 07:15 PM
I have my rights. You weren't really pointing out flaws, you were making mistakes.

^^ Agree. :x

So, this gonna be a sorta half grade, since its a regrade. :)

Expect it today. I'm not starting it until after the FFA, and I have to go somewhere in a couple hours, so maybe in about 6-7 hours. D:

EDIT:
I lied.

The story, over all, was cute (I can't think another way to describe it) I honestly don't care for this kind of story, tbh. D: I'm only gonna tell you stuff on the Battle/Grammar. I liked most of your details. The ones in your battle was somewhat lacking.

The Ice beam attack hit Caroline, it was very effective, she looked enraged now; Two on one?

Right, first off Ice vs Water is Not Very Effective. It wouldn't hurt her much. Second 'two' should not be capitalized. D: Third you need to describe what Ice Beam looks like.

Then suddenly a flash of thunder an ear deafening boom

Thunder should be 'lightning'. Thunder is just the sound. :x


“Come on, Lapras one more Thunderbolt and its over!” He shouted; he didn’t realize that Pokemon had to be free; he was taking away the future of this Luvdisc.

The Thunderbolt hit the helpless water Pokemon, it fainted immediately.

Again, describe Thunderbolt.

Most of your attacks were described well. Unlike CP, I thought the battle was long enough, though, I think Luvdisc might have needed to get an attack in, but heck, its a Luvdisc. ._.

Outcome:

Sorta on the border for me with the not so great descrpitions in the battle, but since its a Luvdisc, and Luvdisc...sorta fails (:X), I'll say Luvdisc Captured!!

I lost really quickly in the FFA, so thats how I was able to get this out. D: >_<