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2wings
02-14-2008, 03:22 PM
The Co – existence

Communication key: Single inverted commas (‘’) = Telepathy.
Double inverted commas (“”) = Verbal speaking

Joseph Jeffery the Third was the exact opposite of what his name suggested, he wasn’t a rich snob living in the suburbs in a four floor mansion. He was just a regular guy, going to a regular school, living in a regular house south of Celadon city.

He was a science geek, constantly getting bullied at school. He wore glasses and braces, emphasizing his reputation as a geek. He hailed from the empire of Persia, more specifically speaking, he was Iranian. He had dark, black eyes and light, brown skin.

He would sometimes cry at home, wishing his life was better, he didn’t like it, infact, he hated it. He was always made fun of when he mentioned existence of other planets.

No one ever believed him, but it was true. There was a co – existence between our world and the world of Pokemon origin. It was on this planet that all Pokemon were born and were linked to the Human world.

There was a link between the two worlds that was forbidden to talk about. This link existed between a Human and a Pokemon, both on different planets at different parts of the universe. However, because of the ignorance of mankind the power to use this link was slowly eradicated. Only some wielded this unique power now; the power to willingly travel between Earth and Planet Zion, the land of Pokemon creation, ruled over by the Zinonians.

Joseph was one of them. He was a shaman, he had powers that others could never dream of having. He had unraveled the mystic secret of the Zinonians, but he had a price to pay for wandering so deep into Zion, he was forever enslaved, he had fallen prey to the merciless trap the Zinonians had set. The prophecy states:

Humans that possess powers to communicate with our kind are indeed gifted, but with power comes great responsibility. A secret that is too much to hold, but even more difficult to believe, one that surpasses the understanding of mankind. This power lies dormant in all humans, but merely a handful possess it. But beware, for if you possess the power to travel between these worlds you will be forever cursed; Your life will be split in two, half of it belonging to Zion, half to Earth.

It had been nearly ten years since Joseph had last heard it, and he realized it had a lot to do with him. He didn’t know what to make of “the other world” he used to be able to access when he was in school, when he was younger and nobody would believe him. But he was only eleven then. He understood now, with the help of the prophecy he had overheard on Zion, and his own mental maturity, that nobody would believe him because Humans were too naïve. Too naïve to consider other beings, too naïve to believe that he had powers they never dreamed of.

Like all great phenomenon’s the use of this power had one condition. When you travel from Earth to Zion you will be turned into a random Pokemon, the first Pokemon that you become will be the one you will always take form of on each visit that follows. The other condition was the travel back cool down. If you travel from Earth to Zion or vice versa, you couldn’t use your powers again for 24 hours. This explained the prophecy; But beware, for if you possess the power to travel between these worlds you will be forever cursed; Your life will be split in two, half of it belonging to Zion, half to Earth.


For a long time, Joseph’s power was kept a secret, even after continuously urging people that he did have powers to travel between parallel universes, no – one believed him, and so, he dropped it completely. But alas, two boys had heard him and believed him, pretending not to care and telling him to stop talking bullshit. Joseph never knew, he had no idea that he had just granted two people the potential to kill him.

The two boys; Ridley and Jack, were not exactly what you’d call friendly. They went bad just before graduating from high school, doing jobs that involved murder. They’re boss gave them targets, and they would kill the “target” No mercy whatsoever.

**

Joseph was back in Zion, away from all the hardships he faces on Earth. He fluttered through the breezy air, enjoying his 360 degree vision. He could make sharp turns and halt in mid air with apparent ease. He was a highly skilled flier – a Yanma. This was his home – away paradise. He was free to roam about in the lush green forests that covered over 30% of the Zinonian planet. There were only Pokemon in this universe, nothing but peace and harmony resided here. No burdens or troubles. As he sped through the thin forest Joseph was deep in thought about what he needed to do to improve his relationship with Zeus, the creator and ruler of planet Zion. Ever since Joseph battled fiercely with an Electrobuzz, he was given a cold shoulder by the Zinonian King. He flew on, his sleek insect like body thrusting forward, his green colored face and orange body streaming through the air with ease. The cold, rushing wind around him not affecting him whatsoever, no one could say that he lacked panache, which was another word for flamboyant. His body was “colored” brightly. I put “colored” between inverted commas because it so clearly lacks panache, it is much more colourful and flamboyant, to spell it with a “u” But alas, the American way of spelling seems to contradict. The Zinonians had this similarity with the Americans, they lacked panache.

Their planet was so painfully normal in terms of habitat. It was basically; a tall tree, a shorter one, a couple of bushes and boulders and another tree. This was the extent of its normality, forest and bare land. But Joseph liked to visit here whenever he could, not for the scenery but for the peace and quiet. The only thing that disturbed him is the constant Pokemon trying to communicate to you by telepathy.

‘Oh god,’ thought Joe, his extra – ordinary vision allowing him to see ahead and change his route, spotting a Meowth walking his way. Meowth were very unusually talk – active, and Joe wanted to avoid all encounters with one for at least a couple more hours. No one understood Joseph like Gilbert, a cheery Sneasel living west of where Joe was. Joe was intending to be there in precisely ten minutes, although obstructions that forced him to make detours, like Meowth, would extend his journey by five minutes.

He arrived at the Sneasel’s home, in time to find Gilbert setting out, his large claws hanging at his side.

‘Hey Gil,’ he thought ‘what’s baking?’

The Sneasel turned around elegantly, a grin already on his face.

Now this guy, all four feet of him, had panache. He was a guy different from all the other Zinonians; he had a great sense of humor.

‘Apple pie, why? You hungry?’ he said, pulling out a dish of Apple pie out from behind him.

Joe laughed heartily, this was just the kind of thing you would expect Gilbert to pull, not only does he do unexpected things, you just had to appreciate it when a guy walks around all day with a pie in his pockets just to crack a joke. Joe’s humor, incase you missed it, was the greeting, ‘what’s baking?’ Instead of the standard ‘what’s cooking?’ This is hardly humorous and could be considered lame, if you don’t mention the fact that Gil was a baker. He worked all day at the bazaar selling bread and pastries.

‘Came by for a visit, didn’t realize you were setting off.’ Joe said.

‘Na its ok, ill stay awhile.’ he said, his body gleaming in the sunlight, ‘let’s step inside shall we?’

The Sneasel’s home was located down a hole and in a burrow, as if he were a rabbit. He had once told Joe that he lived here not to because he liked it, but just for the humor or it. Being a part – time comedian, Gil had to live up to his funny reputation, even his home had to be funny. The burrow had a bed to one side and was illuminated by a single light bulb in the middle of the room. There was a bean bag in the middle facing a TV and a small kitchen opposite the bed on the other side of the burrow. Gilbert hurriedly rushed to the mini – kitchen and started to boil some Tea.

‘Fancy some Tea?’ Gilbert asked politely.

‘Thank Gil, but I don’t really have fingers.’ Joe replied, trying to make him laugh.

To his surprise he did. ‘You’ve improved.’ Gilbert said, admiring the bit of comedy.

‘Thanks Gil, by the way, where were you headed when I came by?’

Gilberts face suddenly flushed, then, as if he had just cooked up a lie blurted out something about a meeting.

‘A meeting at the bazaar?’ Joe thought, looking puzzled, ‘I didn’t know baker’s needed to hold meetings.’

‘Oh no, it’s not that, I’m a member of a group that helps preserve wildlife.’

‘Oh.’ Joe thought, suddenly realizing he had very little time left, he could almost feel the sensation of hyperspace pulling at him, urging him to come back to Earth.

‘I think my time is almost up Gil, ill visit you soon.’ Joe said, and with that, he was off.

The sensation was like being sucked through a vortex, like you were squeezed through a thing pipe and weren’t able to breath. You’re body being compressed harder and harder, you feel like you’re about to die of suffocation when – Fresh air rushed onto Joseph’s face, his dark, sleeky hair blowing backwards away from his forehead.

He was back in room on Earth; a fact that he didn’t want to acknowledge. He didn’t wear braces anymore and he was a fairly handsome boy. Even though, he never a successful relationship. He was too shy to talk to girls, he got butterflies aged twenty one, that an average boy would have when he was ten.

This really didn’t matter to Joe, he didn’t care. All he did was stay up all night re – searching, trying to find out more about parallel universes and reading science fiction books. He reached for a book named ‘The theories of time travel.’ And sat on his bed, un aware of the dangers that would await him next time he was on Zion…

**

Two boys lay in a hedge outside a semi – detached, white painted house. It was exactly twenty three hours, forty minutes and ten seconds since Joe had arrived from Zion. One of the boys was tall and well built, his name was Ridley, he and Jack had been sent to kill their next target. Joseph Jeffery the third. They were immediately familiar with the name and had planned a clever assassination. They would both wait in the shrubs outside Joe’s house for another twenty minutes, and when they see the flash of green light that confirms Joe had traveled to Zion, they would be off too. They hadn’t used their powers for a whole week, being the very busy assassins they were. But this meant one thing – they would be able to travel to Zion just after Joe did, once they were in Zion, with no Police or weapons to interrupt, they would use their Pokemon skills to kill him. It was a fairly simple plan and it should all go well.

“This is getting boring, how much time do we have left?” said Jack, the short, red haired boy who was scarred and had eyes that looked like they had seen too much.

“Twenty minutes.” Ridley replied, looking down at his solid steel watch.

The two criminals waited for what seemed for hours, but they didn’t mind, they were adept at this sort of thing, spying, gathering information, before they would kill. Twenty minutes passed and surely enough a flash of green light emitted out of the glass window that over looked a well – decorated garden.

“Let’s go.” Ridley said, summoning his Shaman powers. His face screwed up in a kind of trance, his hands shut together. Jack did the same, his face starting to look like a badly taken photo. A flash of green light later, they were gone….

**

Joe was flying through the air again, looking for fresh water to drink. He knew that there had been a fresh spring somewhere north of where he now was, the spring was home to many water Pokemon and had ample amount of water. What he didn’t know, however, was that his death trap had been waiting for him there.

Another thing Joe didn’t realize was that Gil was an inside man, working for the same boss Jack and Ridley worked for. He had set everything up, even predicted that Joe would be at the spring to drink water every day from around nine to twelve AM. Thus, Ridley and Jack had been waiting there patiently for their prey.

‘I think he’s here.’ Said Ridley, who was a red – orange, fat – bellied Pokemon with a overly – large tongue; Ridley was a Lickitung.

‘Don’t make assumptions, assumptions are close to guesses, guesses rely on chance.’ Said Jack; the leader of the operation. Jack was a Cloyster, a sinister grin always lurking upon his face. He looked even more evil as a Pokemon then as a Human.

As it happened, Ridley’s “assumption” turned out to be correct. A Yanma flew in swiftly and landed on the river bed, stretching out it’s anteater like tongue.

Jack and Ridley waited tensely, as if waiting for a last minute goal in the closing minutes of a football game. Sorry, that really wasn’t on, using a sports metaphor to describe criminals about to murder.

‘Before me pounce, I have to tell you something,’ Said Jack, this was his style, saying unexpected things on short notice. ‘The boss wants to kill this guy himself, he wants him in alive. I have a Pokeball with me for that cause; it’s your job to help me weaken him.’

‘Why are you telling me this now?’ Ridley retorted. But it was too late; Jack pounced, launching a deadly looking ice beam attack at Joe.

Joe was caught unawares, he hadn’t noticed anyone hiding. The answer to that was simple; he didn’t expect anyone to be hiding because he never had to keep his guard up before, Zion was a relatively peaceful place and an ambush was something that had never crossed his mind.

The beam of ice rushed at Joe with great velocity, but the flamboyant Yanma was too agile, he dodged it but it missed him just barely. Suddenly, a huge red tongue flew out of nowhere, wrapping Joe up in a twist.

Surely this couldn’t be happening, Not just one, but two of them? This had to be some sort of planned ambush. He could just picture Gilbert sniggering at that comment.

‘Noo, you think?’ He would’ve said sarcastically.

This was no time to waste brain power on sarcasm. He had to think up a plan, but the duo were too organized, already a red – ish, orange beam of power had begun to form and was ready to shoot. Joe recognized it at once, the attack was already lighting up the area around them, heating up the water between them; Hyper Beam. The Lickitung’s tongue looked like Volleyball net sprawled over the river; stretching over a distance of twenty five yards to wrap the Yanma in an embrace that was everything but friendly. The beam shot at Joe with full force, inching closer at each passing second.

Suddenly, like a fly narrowly avoiding the swatter, Joe dived, slipping through the Lickitung’s wet tongue, displaying his amazing speed and agility. His trait was proving to be helpful – he was getting faster and faster as attack after attack from the now desperate looking Pokemon was launched.

Enough was enough, Joe wasn’t going to dodge attacks all day, he rushed at the Cloyster, Joe concentrated, rage clear on his face. He had come here, to Zion, to escape Earth, the planet that reminded him of all his burdens and the way he was bullied. He didn’t come here to be bullied again. With this in mind, he concentrated all his rage into his attacks. A blinding bright shine was emanating from him – he was using a sunny day attack.

‘Oh crap – if he starts solar – beaming, I’m finished’ Jack whispered – note, this wasn’t an assumption, Cloyster was a Water - Ice type Pokemon, there was a lot of truth in these words.

‘I’m on it.’ Ridley replied; he sped forward, then, using his tongue like a pogo stick, he flew through the air at Joe, who was ready for it; he used his detect attack, blocking the Lickitung’s Tackle.

His speed was amazing, Joe’s detect attack had cause Ridley to rebound back down to the ground, gravity pulling him down like quick sand. At almost the same moment, the solar beam attack was launched – it was as if the green beam of light was faster than the falling Lickitung, it hit Ridley squarely in the chest, causing him to splash into the river with full impact.

Jack was cursing under his breath, if he hit Joe with two more ice beam’s it would all be over, but the bug Pokemon was too fast; dodging every attack with apparent ease.

Jack’s eyes lit up, as if he had an idea. For once he left events to chance, Gathering up energy in his mouth, wondering if he would just be wasting power points.

Suddenly it happened – Ridley’s tongue shot out from under water, wrapping Joe in a merciless coil, it looked like he wasn’t going to let go this time either.

The frosty beam of ice was shot forward, it looked like a ray of sunlight, only unlike the sun, this attack was meant to cause coldness and pain – not warmth and joy. Jack was grinning to himself; perhaps assumptions did help at times.

The cold attack hit Joe on the face; flakes of snow disheveled his once well - groomed face. The coldness had penetrated into the Joe’s skin, causing him excruciating pain, a blow to face was something that was hard to endure – it was like having a snowball thrown to your face, but only this snowball was made of solid ice.

Ridley’s deathly coil was tightening, this time there was no slippery saliva – the water had washed it clean off – Joe could feel himself passing out.

Ridley quickly let go, Joe fell towards Ridley, who was charging up a focus punch attack – a white energy forming around his balled fist. Then – as if he was saying ‘Pay back time’ he thrusted his fist forward.

A second later there was impact; Joe was thrown up into the air by the sheer power of the punch. His limp body seemed suspended in the air, the potential energy causing him to freeze for a moment.

While still in mid air a Pokeball was thrown at his limp and unconscious body – He had put up a good fight, but it wasn’t good enough to save his life…

--------------------------------
Pokemon: Yanma (Story deal!)
Length: *Exactly* 18k characters.

Fossil Fusion
02-19-2008, 12:20 PM
Story: The opening of the story was a little sadening for the main character. You say he was bulled, and sounds like a typical Pe2k member {Glasses, Braces, and computer geek} He seemed to have this ability to connect with the Pokemon world as if he could jump between the two. Maybe infers that he could of been able to escape his troubles into the Pokemon world. Nice idea. I like it. You could of gone into a little detail on how he met that world for example.

The detail made the story line lack a little bit. I suggest to make it a better plot is to describe all of these or a few of them.

Smell, Touch, See, Taste, and Hear

These will make the surroundings of your characters, and places alot better. Good luck!


Grammar: Celladon city It's spelt Celadon City.

He had dark black eyes and light brown skin.

Where "Light Brown" is. In between both words should be a comma. After every adjective used like that should have a comma between them: Light, brown skin.

But because of the ignorance of mankind the power to use this link was slowly eradicated

Never start a sentence with "but." In my opinion it isn't a very good word to start off with... use something like "However,"

You missed alot of commas. This story seemed to be rushed in my opinion. Just make sure you proof read all your sentences, and make sure everything flows. You can do that!

Overall proof read over your work.


Detail: He had dark black eyes and light brown skin.

In this peace of description, instead of "dark, black eyes" you should replace dark because it really just uses two words for black in that little description. Dark and Black are pretty much the same really. Nothing major, but it could of been evil, dark eyes or something else, which you may like.

Most of your detail would be okay for a story like this. You could massively improve them too. I am sure you can do it!

It was basically; Tree, tree, tree, land, boulder, land, land, tree, tree, and tree.

Instead of this long list you could describe each one. It adds on some length, but the detail is essential for a good read, and imagery of a story.

There was many tall, king like trees, which brushed across with the cold, beautiful winds.

Something like that but obviously not as lame lol.


Length: The length just makes up for Yanma. This isn't the most biggest issue to worry about in a story. Well to me that is. Good job here, the length isn't a big worry for you!


Battle: This wasn't a very long battle for a Yanma. The detail around this area was a little better compared to the others. I suggest you describe a little more, because I think this area lacked quite alot as in Pokemon attacks for example. The Yanma really didn't put up a big fight at all. I suggest you work on your detail and make the battle a bit longer. The longer the battle, which gives the better grade. Always show something unexpected in yours battle, like for example Yanma suddenly pretended to die, but got back up and knocked out a Pokemon. You need alot of twists in a battle to make it much more interesting.


Outcome: Yanma not captured!


Tips: I am sorry, but I would like an improvement to your story. All I ask for is a longer battle with alot more description, however with a twist or two. Also, check your comma use, and proof read all of your work. The bug is yours once you accomplish these. Good Luck! PM me for a regrade when you need one!

Fossil Fusion
02-19-2008, 02:58 PM
The Regrade

You cleared up alot of your grammar areas, which is good. A more lengthier battle was added, which is good. The battle was improved a little more, but I think I can safely say it was an improvement. However, I can see next time you write a story is to include better adjectives etc. Next time in your story I would suggest using Pokemon names as Pokemon because it was difficult to me to decipher each Pokemon, and their nickname. Maybe a key at the end of the story would be a good idea next time. That is if you decide to use different names again.

I'll give you some ideas on how to improve details of the battle.

Ridley’s tongue shot out from under water, wrapping Joe in a merciless coil, it looked like he wasn’t going to let go this time either.

Ridley's tongue... You could of described its colour, and how it splashed out of the water.

Ridley's rosy, slobbered tongue splashed from beneath the cold, water, and squeezed Joe tightly in a merciless coil. Joe squeaked in pain as it was worried that the pink, stretchy tongue wouldn't let go.

Something like that for example. I am sure you can improve this story again, and make up cool descriptions, which are better than mine. But overall, I can see you have made an improvement.

Outcome: Yanma Captured!

Tips: Use a wide variety of detail, which really works well at describing attacks of the Pokemon in a battle. Your battle needs to be the most vital part of your story capture. If this fails, then your capture chance would go down. Maybe use synonyms of different words to give the reader a better word. For example: "Blue" could be "Oceanic"

Also work on your grammar work, read carefully!

Good luck in your next stories. I hope to see a good improvement to this one! ^_^