View Full Version : A New Jorney Begins (Episode Three: The Haunted Swamp)

02-14-2008, 10:59 PM
Since my last story was a success, I thought I'd try something a bit more difficult. ^^ Only one capture attempt this time. Sorry if one capture attempt seems a tad boring, but 20k is a lot for me to write this late in the day. (Began writing at 6:26 PM my time). It's a two part story, but I'm too lazy to write the second part now. xD

Targeted Pokemon: Murkrow
Character Count (With/without spaces respectively): 13k/16k
Difficulty: Medium
(written in the first person as usual)

Chapter One: The Campsite.

"Yahoo, we're finally out of that cursed forest!" Cassie exclaimed as she fell to the ground, only inches away from the sign that read "Now leaving: Eterna Forest".

"Yep; and we both have new Pokemon under our belts." I smiled as I looked at the Net Ball in my hand, thanks to Uncle Kurt; I had captured a rare (ungrateful) gold Caterpie and a reluctant Spinarak. I wondered what Pokemon I would come across next. Through the forest, Cassie had also obtained a Starly, and blocked the main path through to Floraroma with her Clefairy's lucky Frenzy Plant attack, caused by its Metronome. It had taken us almost three hours to re-unite, and all day to get through the forest. Now it was nightfall and we were both so tired we could have fallen asleep the minute we hit the ground. Though we dragged on for about two more hours before we were standing at the foot of a cliff, I looked around and turned to Cassie.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"You don't know!?" Cassie exclaimed in frustration.

"No, I thought you were keeping track." I said.

"I thought you were keeping track!" She exclaimed.

I looked around and then to the cave dug into the foot of the cliff.

"We can camp here." I said.

"You can. I'm going to a Pokemon Center!" Cassie exclaimed and started to storm off,

"Well, okay, if you really want to stay out here, with all the bugs, ghosts and generally creepy stuff that I know you hate." I said.

Quickly Cassie was at my side clinging to my arm.

"Yes brother dearest." She said in a pleasant, but agitated tone. I looked down at her, and she was looking up at me with her bright blue eyes. Her short cut blonde hair was now dirty with leaves and, well, dirt. In her eyes, I saw my own reflection, a dark haired boy of about thirteen, wearing a navy T-shirt and blue jeans with serious green eyes, while Cassie was wearing her white T-shirt and blue jeans.

After about another hour of setting up our two tents and finding a small bit of fire wood, and after lighting it thanks to Clefairy's Metronome, producing an Ember attack. Clefairy ended up putting it out with a Water Gun when we were done. We went to our tents and went to sleep until...

Next Post: Chapter Two: The Cackling Murkrow

02-14-2008, 11:04 PM
Chapter 2: The Cackling Murkrow

Until... I was awoken by a sort of laughing sound, deeper in the cave, an ominous sort of laughter that seemed to chill my bones. I sat straight up when I heard it. Without thinking I grabbed my belt and the Pokeballs attached to it.

I heard Cassie outside my tent.

"Get up, Allan." She said.

"I am, did you hear that too?" I asked.

"Yes; and it was freaky. You go check it out." She said.

"You're going to stay here?" I asked.

"No. I'm coming with you, I don't like this place." She said.

"Fine, just watch out for any ghost Pokemon around here." I sighed, and pulled my bag over my shoulder and pulled two flashlights out of it.

I came out of the tent and handed a flashlight to Cassie,

"If you see any ghosts, shine this in their eyes. They'll go scurrying." I said.

Quietly and slowly, we walked deeper, and deeper into the cave, until we saw a sort of eerie light at the end, Cassie and I quickly went towards it, and to our surprise was a murky and mucky swamp hidden under a dome of rock above. To one corner was an old house. A single tree sprouted out of the ground and sitting in a branch on the dark, twisted branched tree was a Murkrow, laughing as if it had seen the most hilarious thing it its life.

"Oh, shut up!" Cassie muttered, and chucked a small rock at her feet at it, and hit it on the side of the head.

"MURKROW!" It exclaimed in pain, and whirled around to see us.

"Yeah that's right, you heard me! Shut up! You're keeping us awake!" Cassie yelled to the Murkrow.

"Cassie..." I grumbled as a warning in her ear.

The Murkrow flew off the branch and flew towards us, and as it did, it seemed to be a lot larger than it did when we saw it in the distance; in fact, It was about three feet taller than me!

"Ahh!" I exclaimed.

Cassie screamed. The front door of the house behind the Murkrow swung open. Out of it, an old woman walked out. Wearing a purple dress and a white apron, she had whitish blonde hair and was walking with the assistance of a walking stick. She came over to the Murkrow.

"Go, Gengar!" She exclaimed and threw a Pokeball. Out of it in a burst of white light, a Gengar appeared. It's bright red eyes glowed mysteriously in the night. Its purple body had spikes down its back. It looked ready for battle, but quite lazy.

"Show that Murkrow a real Night Shade." She said.

With that, Gengar grew to the same size as Murkrow, then taller, and taller it grew, until it must have been tall enough to touch the rocky ceiling with it's ears.

"Gengar!" It roared.

"MURKOW!" The Murkrow hissed, and then shrunk back to its regular size, as did Gengar.

The Murkrow hopped off of its feet and fluttered over to Cassie, Landing on her head.

"Krow!" The Murkrow exclaimed and released a thick black fog from its yellow beak. Its red eyes disappeared into the haze, and when it cleared, Murkrow was gone.

"Well, that was rather annoying," The old woman muttered under her breath. "What brings you to my summer cottage?" She asked.

"We're on our way to Jubalife City, to bring my," I paused, "loud mouth," I glared at Cassie with a sharp, irritated voice then turned back to the old woman, "sister to Trainer School." I finished calmly.

"My name's Allan, by the way." I said.

"And mine is Cassie." Cassie added.

"I am Agatha, of the Kanto Elite Four." The woman announced.

I looked amazed for a minute, my jaw slacked, and then I closed my mouth.

"A-Agatha!?" I exclaimed in shock.

"Yes, you must know of me?" She asked.

"All too well. I have a cousin in Kanto, who you crushed into the ground with your Gengar... would that be the Gengar you used?" I asked.

"I've defeated so many trainers; it's so hard to keep up these days, with my fading memory and all. But you must be thinking of my other Gengar, since this one is only a mere child." Agatha sighed.

"Two Gengars? Wow, if my cousin thought one was trouble, I couldn't imagine his trauma if he faced two." I thought.

"Now, what brings you here?" Agatha asked slightly impatiently.

"Well, as I was saying, Cassie and I were on our way to Jubalife, when we sort of got lost and had to camp out in the tunnel connecting to this place." I explained.

"Ah, not that hard to get lost in the dark, is it?" She asked, as if she were amused by our slight misfortune.

"No, not at all, ma'am." I said.

"No need to be so formal, my boy. Come inside, you can rest there for tonight." She said.

We followed Agatha to her small cottage. She opened the door and welcomed us inside; there were four rooms, three in the back, and one in the front. The front room which we walked into had a rug on the floor, a glass coffee table on it, against one wall was a couch, and on the other side was a small half wall, hiding a small kitchen. The back rooms were small bedrooms with twin sized beds and a nightstand by the bed. No curtains, nothing really to make the cottage seem inviting. Apparently, Agatha didn't like having visitors often.

"So, what Pokemon do you have with you?" Agatha asked suddenly, when we had gotten settled in.

"Not many," I said reluctantly, "All I have is a Spinarak, Caterpie, and my Eevee." I said.

"I have a Starly, Buneary and Clefairy." Cassie said.

"Ah, that seems like an interesting group. But not very many, as you said, Allan." Agatha said.

"There's something that's special about my Caterpie though." I said, quietly.

"Really? What might that be?" Agatha asked.

"Please don't let that thing out..." Cassie moaned.

"Come on out, Caterpie!" I exclaimed and tossed my Net Ball into the air.

Black lines circled around an orb of pale blue light, then spread out and shattered, the light unrolled and then my Caterpie landed in my lap. Its gold-green body was glowing brighter than ever.

Agatha looked surprised, and then backed up.

"I-I didn't think there was such an interesting Caterpie." She muttered.

"Yes, I caught it in the Eterna Forest. It's neat, isn't it?" I asked.

"I've seen dozens of Caterpie. This one, despite its color, is no different." She grunted.

"Cater..." Caterpie sighed. Its black eyes looked up at me, and then they looked over at Cassie, who was still very afraid of it.

Suddenly, my other Net Ball released my Spinarak. Who quickly shot a web up at the sealing fan by accident and started getting slung around on the fan. Agatha adjusted it so it would go on a slower speed. Spinarak seemed to smirk and go to sleep despite the constant motion.

"That's an interesting Spinarak you have there. Treat it well, along with all of your other Pokemon." Agatha said in a kind voice.

"Before we go to bed, I have only one question." I started.

"Hm?" Agatha asked.

"What's that Murkrow's problem? Why is it always laughing? Is it insane or something?" I asked.

"Not insane, just rather... humorous. I remember when that Murkrow first came here. It got separated from its swarm from Jhoto and has lived here ever since." Agatha said.

"Well, is there any way for it to quiet it?" I asked.

"I do know one way..." Agatha said, her voice drifted off as she told us her plan.

Next post: Chapter 3: Exploration of the Haunted Swamp.

02-15-2008, 03:46 PM
Chapter 3: Exploring the Haunted Swamp

The next morning after getting ready for the day, I grabbed my Pokeballs and my bag, and decided to go looking around outside to check everywhere for that Murkrow, and use the idea that Agatha gave me the night before.

I set off, and saw many Pokemon in the muddy waters, such as Wooper, Quagsire, and even Gastly in the day time. I could only wonder what would show up at night.

I even saw a few Mudkip, but I didn't attempt to capture them. They were too timid to even approach.

Hours passed without any luck at all. Soon it was nightfall. I watched by the swampy waters as the Wooper and Quagsire all quickly dove into the water and back to their homes.

I waited about an about another hour before I heard the cackling of the Murkrow again, now I knew was my time to strike.

I clutched a Pokeball in my hand and slowly crept over to the Murkrow's place in the tree. It suddenly swooped down and landed... on my shoulder.

"Murkrow!" The Murkrow said cheerfully.

"Err... Hi, Murkrow." I replied.

"Krow!" It exclaimed, and flew off, then landed about three yards or so away.

It cocked its head to one side and looked at me curiously.

"I'm guessing you want to battle, don't you?" I asked.

The Murkrow nodded.

I stood up and threw my Pokeball,

"Go Spinarak!" I exclaimed.

An orb of pale blue light erupted from the Pokeball. Zigzagging black lines covered the blue orb and then shattered. Spinarak landed on the ground in front of me.

"Get 'em Spinarak! Use Shadow Sneak!" I exclaimed.

Suddenly, Murkrow jumped into the air and started zigzagging towards Spinarak. Spinarak extended its shadow and launched it's attack, but missed. Murkrow dove down above Spinarak and hit it on the back, slamming it into the ground.

"Use Spider Web!" I commanded.

Hesitantly, Spinarak turned its head towards the Murkrow and spat a ring of web around it. Murkrow landed on the ground, coated with the sticky web, its black wings bound to it's sides.

"Krow!" The Murkrow exclaimed.

"Use Pin Missile!" I commanded.

Now, more confidently Spinarak shot greenish needles at the Murkrow, doing sufficent damage to it.

"Switch to Poison Sting!" I said.

The needles were now purple and seemed to jab into Murkrow, this went on for about three minutes before one of the needles didn't hit Murkrow, it freed it by cutting into the web.

Murkrow leaped into the air once more and dove down again. This time it's wings were glowing bright white and slammed into Spinarak, knocking it out.

"No! Spinarak!" I exclaimed. And returned it to it's pokeball.

"Go Caterpie!" I exclaimed, and threw my other Net Ball.

My gold Caterpie released itself from the pokeball, in the same pale orb of light as Spinarak. It glared at the Murkrow, ready for battle.

"Use String Shot!" I commanded.

Again the Murkrow was bound in web. With incredible strength, Caterpie slung the Murkrow into the tree.

"Now use Tackle!" I commanded.

Caterpie jumped up over the Murkrow and spiraled down hitting Murkrow on the back.

"Murkrow!" It cried.

"Now use Tackle again!" I commanded.

Caterpie slammed into Murkrow's side, slamming it into the tree.

With this, Murkrow got very angry, very fast. It broke free of the web and flew up. Then dove down for the third time, swooping low, about two inches above the ground, and at full speed. It was now glowing purple. An Assurance attack was on its way.

Murkrow's eyes now were glowing red, seeming to give Caterpie paralysis. I knew that attack, it was Mean Look. Murkrow slammed into Caterpie beak first, landing a perfect shot with its Assurance attack.

"Get up and hit it with String Shot!" I said in frustration.

"Cater!" Caterpie exclaimed and shot a string of web and hit Murkrow by the leg.

Caterpie now slammed its head against the ground, using the lasso trick Spinarak had used, that I had taught it, Murkrow was pulled out of the air and slammed to the ground.

"KROW!" The Murkrow moaned.

Quickly, I pulled a pokeball out of my belt.

"Go, Pokeball!" I exclaimed, and threw it at the Murkrow.

Murkrow became sucked into the pokeball by a red light and it began moving.

One... Two... No!

The pokeball shattered and Murkrow flew up into the air again. Then dove down and slammed into Caterpie with a Peck attack...

It hit, knocking Caterpie into the air and against the tree. Out like a light.

“No! Caterpie!” I moaned.

Quickly I withdrew my tired Caterpie and threw my third Pokeball.

"Go, Eevee! Start this off with a Take Down attack!" I exclaimed.

Eevee rushed off at a quick pace, slamming into the Murkrow before it had time to react.

Murkrow flew up and started zigzagging in the air, it dove down, but before it could hit I called,

"Use Quick Attack to get out of the way!"

Eevee disappeared for a moment, while Murkrow slammed into the ground beak first. It struggled to get it's beak out of the ground. It tried to squawk in frustration, but its beak was tightly wedged into the ground, and unmovable.
Eevee appeared by Murkrow's side. It looked up, then Eevee slammed into it head first.

Murkrow flew out of the ground and landed on it's side.

"Get it with Tackle!" I commanded.

Eevee charged and hit Murkrow again. But it was still ready to fight.

Murkrow jumped back up and started to glow in a purple shade once more. It flew into the air and corkscrewed down. Eevee thankfully jumped out of the way without a command.

"Now use Trump Card!" I said.

Murkrow looked amazed as Eevee started to glow bright blue, then it launched an orb of blue light that hit Murkrow on the stomach. It landed on the ground, dizzy and tired.

"Go, pokeball!" I exclaimed, and once more time, I threw a pokeball.

Red light engulfed the Murkrow, drawing it into the pokeball again...

It wobbled on the floor,

Once... Twice... but none the less, it failed again.

Murkrow jumped out of the pokeball at full force, and started glowing purple again. It took yet another skydiving corkscrew down into the ground.

"Jump up with Quick Attack!" I commanded.

Eevee leaped up into the air at blinding speed, then slammed right into Murkrow, head first. They both fell out of the air on their sides... I hoped Eevee hadn't fainted yet. I watched as Eevee struggled, but finally got to its feet.

Murkrow sat up as well and got back to it's feet.

"Quickly, use Trump Card, Eevee!" I commanded.

Eevee launched it's Trump Card again, only this time, the orb of blue light was larger and glowing even stronger than before... With a large boom that shook the ground, Murkrow now was laying on its side, unmoving and tired. Trump Card was Eevee’s best move, as some already know; it is a move that never misses and gains power out of the five times it can be used.

I remembered the Pokeballs my Uncle Kurt had given me only the day before, and pulled one out of my bag. It was a
Luxury Ball. Painted jet black with a red and yellow rim around the middle, it was a very classy and sophisticated looking ball. I knew that this certain pokeball would make any Pokemon contained friendlier quicker. Just what I needed, since this Murkrow didn't exactly seem too friendly towards me. Either that or it was just mischievous.

"Go! Luxury Ball!" I exclaimed and threw it.

Quickly, the pokeball spun and hit Murkrow on the side of the head and sucked it in with a red and silver light.
The Luxury Ball, lying about five feet away. When it landed with Murkrow inside it, the ground broke beneath it!

I withdrew Eevee back into it's pokeball and rushed over to the hole where the Luxury Ball had been, and then the ground beneath my feet broke. I plummeted and landed on my left arm. I moaned as I looked up at the Luxury Ball, inches away from my face. It was still moving,

"One... Two..." I groaned.

What will become of Allan? Find out in Episode Four!

(Finished 2/15/08 at 8:48PM)

The Jr Trainer
02-20-2008, 10:31 PM
I shall grade this badboy. >:D I'll have the grade up within a few hours or so. :o

EDIT: I might have to finish this grad up tomorrow, so hang tight.

This might be one of the best grades I've written. :o

A boy and girl (brother and sister?) are walking through a forest, then they meet Agatha, and she fends off a Murkrow that was annoying or terrorizing them, and she invites them into her ‘cottage’ and they talk and share Pokemon, etc, etc. Then Allan, the boy, goes and tries to catch the Murkrow the next day after he and his sister (I think :x) rest at Agatha’s. Battles, and tries to catch it.

Nothing much more, this had a good potential, but you didn’t explain much, it was confusing since this was part two to a story; you have a few options to help us graders know where you’re coming from: 1) you can re-cap to make the story better and easier to read for those that haven’t read the other chapters, 2) link to the other story. Those are just a few options, but besides that this was a good solid plot, you seemed to move nicely along, but the not great detail on surroundings made it hard to get through. Make sure you make the surroundings seeable, all of them, not just one of them.

I liked how you added Agatha in there, and that they knew who she was and their brother had battled her, it made small connection, just explaining the plot all the more better, don't be afraif to add more twists in though; those make the story a lot more fun and enjoying to read [as I will explain next]. ^^;

You could’ve added some twists onto the story as well, maybe the Metronomes weren’t the types that they needed and they had to go out and look for something to get a fire started, that would make for a more interesting story, along with making it longer; though it would have to be well detailed to make the story a lot better.

This was quite good, but some more explaining and a re-cap or something or the other part would've helped this, but I really don't have much to complain about. xD

This was okay I suppose, since it was another part for a story, but you could re-cap (as said up there), or just re-introduce them. Really, making the characters personality and looks are very important, without them it’s hard to enjoy reading the story. But don’t only bring up what the characters look like. What about the setting, you seemed to leave that out a lot of the time. It can really bring the story to life; not only just by saying what it looks like, but in a lot of detail, not just colors, but landscape of it. Hilly, flat? Rocky, or smooth? Dirt or grass? Etc, etc.

You can really get interesting with the intro, you can just about tell the story within itself, and give away little bits of clues. It’s always great to have a good intro, it makes the story more realistic and believable then when you just say “Cassie’s blonde hair, blew in the air as the wind went by,” that is good, but you can make it so much better, something like… “Cassie’s blonde hair with small streaks of red flew in the windy almost skin cutting winds as the it blew her and small green blades of grass, that sat upon the hill, everywhere,” one has more of a touch and one is a bit boring, both introducing what the place is like and what color Cassie’s hair is. Of course you can add more, but I’m just giving a bit of an example.

Now, don’t forget personalities, also. Looks aren’t the only thing that matter (in real life and in stories :wink:)

Only a few mistakes I saw here, a few things that were repetitive though, like typos and such. Nothing big to worry about, just a spell checker checking would help it and make it all better.

It wobbled on the floor,

Once... Twice... but none the less, it failed again.

The comma isn’t need, you either make it a whole sentence or split it into two “paragraphs” as they seem to be called…

So it could either be “It wobbled on the floor, once... twice... but none the less, it failed again.”
“It wobbled on the floor.

Once... Twice... but none the less, it failed again.”

Either one is fine, really; just no need for that comma sense it should be capped off not just sitting there. D:

Also, just want to point out… Pokemon should always be capitalized (and anything related to it), toward the end of your story you started to not capitalize it which made me sad. L

Fine I guess, 16k it good enough. But don’t forget you can always go past the amount and get really into the story.

This was a bit of a downside. It didn’t really have much detail, it was a pretty bland story to be honest. Something more needs to be here. Maybe more description in emotions, most people really forget those; it can really bring out a meaning to a person, especially when they are in a depressing or sad area or time or life. Emotions can also bring out how people use their looks, maybe someone is really sweet and nice looking but on the inside their mean and hideous. Lots of unique things can happen with the story if you use more and more emotions.

Surroundings, this was a downside to your story, it was kind of almost dead feeling, like they were just in a forest with trees. You never really said if they were dead, or really full, or green, or black or blue or purple. What does the surrounding/landscape look like? Is it really boring, and dull like a black and white movie, or really lush and beautiful like a Boca of flowers? Something could really come good out of that when more of the story comes. The only surrounding that you really thoroughly described was the old house, but that was quite a good description. ^^;

This could use quite a bit of work, you seem to have what something looks like down, but not stuff such as surroundings, emotions, smell, feel, and taste… though the last two are hardly used and in most cases, but can be used sometimes.

This was good; I really liked it, the only two things I thought were wrong with it were: 1) you used “I commanded” and you just seemed to repeat a lot of things over and over. Which made it hard to keep track of where you were, and made for an unexcited read. D: 2) it was a bit to game-boy like, as in one Pokemon attacked then other one attacked, etc. Make it so that they clash with each other, not just going back and forth; more like what the anime is, they don’t just go back and forth, they use combos and such to make the battle really exciting.

But, on the other hand, you really did a nice job with getting down pat the battle, I liked how it wasn’t just a 1v1 but a 3v1, making the Murkrow look strong, some people just make the wild (attempting to capture) Pokemon you look weak and useless, but you seemed to get it up and make it better than most, the attacks were pretty well described, I always find physical attacks hard to describe other than “the Pokemon dashed into the other and knocked it off its feet” something like that, but you did a bit more, which is good. ^^

Final Outcome:
I sounded mean probably, but this really was quite a good story. I didn’t find much wrong with it other than being confused because of the other chapter. The grammar and battle were pretty sufficient, the detail was just hanging on there; along with me liking this story, it was a pretty good read. ^^ So… I’m glad to say… Murkrow captured!!