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Diamond_Master
02-15-2008, 11:14 PM
Pokemon Desired: Starly
Characters Needed: 5-10k
Characters:5,006
Difficulty: Simple

Chapter I: The Trainer and his Monkey Friends
With his new addition to his team, DM set out to find yet another Pokemon. DM wore a red shirt with blue jeans. He had blonde hair, which waves when he runs. He was hapy, but in a way sad that he had a new pokemon. That meant more training. "Chimmy, Monty, come out." DM said. When the Pokeballs hit the ground, two monkeys jumped out. "Chimchar!" said one. Chimmy was very excited. His fur was a dark red, but the fur on his stomach was a light brown. "Mankey!" said the second. Monty was just caught in the local forest. His fur was a light brown.

The time was 11:00, and DM was packing up from his grandpa's house in Eterna City. "Okay, Gramps, I'm leaving for Eterna Forest" he said. "Okay, bye. Don't be late for dinner!" Grandpa said. Chimmy and Monty followed DM as they walked. "Guys, we're setting out for the forest again. Chimmy, there are no Mankeys in this one." DM said. Chimmy smiled. They got closer and closer to the forest, but then a bolt of lighting struck. "Where did it hit?" someone asked. "I don't know" said another. Then, DM saw smoke in the distance. "Look, in the sky!" DM said. Everyone looked and started to run around. "Monty, Chimmy, return. I'm going in." DM said. The Pokeballs sucked the monkeys back in. DM walked towards the flaming forest.

Diamond_Master
02-16-2008, 05:29 PM
Chapter II: The Flaming Forest

DM walked into the forest, looking for the fire. DM was always curious so he loved this mission. DM was trying to hear if anyone was in the forest, but all he heard was the cries of the Pokemon. "Help!" DM heard. "Where are you?" DM answered. "I don't know!" replied the person. DM ran everywhere to look for the person. "I see you!" the person said. DM turned around, and saw a girl, maybe five foot seven, stuck in a corner with a Budew in her arms. "I'm coming!" DM said. DM ran to the girl and helped her out. "I think we're lost!" the girl said.

"No problem. Go, Monty!" DM said, sending out the young Mankey. "Mankey!" Monty said. "Okay Monty, go find the exit to this flaming forest!" DM ordered. "Mank!" he said. Monty ran away and swung on some vines on the way. "So what's your name?" DM asked the girl. "Helen, I'm a gym trainer at the Eterna gym." she said. "Mine's DM. Nice to meet you." DM said. Then the heard the forest trees start to burn to the ground. "Run!" Helen said. DM followed Helen just to find what they both wanted.

"Look, a herd of Starly!" DM said. The Starly herd headed straight toward DM Helen. "Go, Roselia!" Helen said. Helen threw a Net Ball at the ground and out popped a Roselia. "Roselia!" it said. "Nice Pokemon, but watch this, go, Chimmy!" DM said. DM threw a Pokeball at the ground, and out came a Chimchar. "Chimchar!" Chimmy said. The Starly herd got closer and closer, and started to prepare for a battle. "Roselia, use Grass Knot!" said Helen. Roselia charged up and sent out a huge Grass Knot attack. "Whoa!" said DM. The flames started to get hotter, and Chimmy started to get more powerful. The Grass Knot got burned by the flames! A Starly used a Wing Attack, knocking out Helen's Roselia. "It's all up to you, now. This little Budew is almost knocked out by a burn it got from the fire." Helen said. "Use Flame Wheel!" DM commanded.

The Flame Wheel hurt most of the herd. One Starly flew away, while one wing was bleeding. The others just ran away. One stayed. "You're mine!" DM said. "Star!" it said. Monty came back, but already found the Starly. Monty attacked without command. The Starly fell to the ground. Then, another herd flew straight at Monty. "Star!" they all said. "Mank..." Monty said. "Monty, return." DM said. Helen came back and gave DM a Pokeball. "It's Chimmy's!" DM said. "Your welcome." Helen said. "Go, Chimmy!" DM said. Then, out jumped the fiery red monkey as it said "Chim!". Chimmy was ready for a battle.

Diamond_Master
02-17-2008, 08:43 PM
Chapter III: The Great Encouter, I Think

Chimmy was ready to attack when Helen came back with her Gym Partner, Stacey, came with a Roserade. "This is Stacey, my Gym Partner. She is very good, but flying aren't her favorite." Helen said. "Hi." DM said. "Nice Chimchar, DM." Stacey said. "Thanks, but that won't help. We need to battle!" DM said. "Roserade use Grass Knot!" Stacey said. Roserade used the attack, and two Starlys fainted. "Chimmy, use a Flamethrower!" DM said. Chimmy used it, but it burned a tree and scared a couple of the Starlys. Only seven Starlys were still there. One of the Starlys used Ariel Ace and made the Roserade faint. "Not again!" Stacey said.

Monty was still in his Pokeball when DM dropped it and it opened, out came the little monkey. It attacked without command. Two more Starlys fainted. One of the Starlys attacked Monty and it fainted due to weakness. "Return, Monty." DM said. "Chimmy, use Scratch!" DM commanded. Chimmy used the attack, and made it that there was only one Starly left. "That one is the strongest!" Helen said. "Come on, Helen. Let's leave." Stacey said. Helen said goodbye to DM and left with Stacey. "Okay Starly, your mine!" DM said.

Diamond_Master
02-20-2008, 01:03 PM
Chapter IV: Starly VS. Chimmy

"Star!" the Starly said. "Chimmy, use Ember!" DM said. Chimmy charged up and attacked. The Starly was still standing, ashed and black. The Starly used a strong Ariel Ace and knocked Chimmy on the ground. "Chimmy, get up and use Scratch!" DM said. Chimmy got up and scratched the strong Starly. The Starly dodged it, and countered with a Tackle. It knocked Chimmy on the ground again, this time he might not get up. Then, they all heard sirens, and heard people saying, "Get out!". "Chimmy, let's go." DM said.

The Starly followed and tried to attack Chimmy and DM. "Dodge it, Chimmy!" DM commanded. Chimmy did as he was ordered, and dodged the Starly's attack. "Scorch it with Flamethrower!" DM said. Chimmy attacked the Starly, but it wasn't done there. The Starly used another Ariel Ace. It hit Chimmy hard, but Chimmy countered with a Flamethrower, and knocked the Starly on the ground. The forest was still blazing but hot.

"Get out of the forest!" said a couple of rescue helpers. "Hold on!" DM said. "No, get out now!" they responded. "Okay, Chimmy, return." DM said. He then pulled out a Pokeball and threw it at the Starly. It wiggled once. "Get out, now!" they yelled. It wiggled twice. "Come on." DM said.

Diamond_Master
02-20-2008, 01:05 PM
Finished. Reserved for any grader.

The Jr Trainer
02-21-2008, 08:31 PM
Plot/Story:
This was a pretty basic plot; but it didn’t really have anything to it, just going into the burning forest than attempting to capture the Pokemon, but it wasn’t much more than that. It was pretty cut and dry, nothing really complex to it; while that is okay for a simple Starly, it could have been a lot better, make sure you don’t just make it go all the way through as one thing, add something onto it. Maybe Helen and DM get stuck behind a burning log and then Stacey comes and has to put out the log, and can’t. Then something else happens and the log is cleared. You know, something just could be there instead of just leave house, see fire, go into fire, meet girl, then catch Pokemon.

This had potential to go as a great, great story, but you seemed to leave some parts of it that could’ve been better told about. Like, how did the fire start? Did Chimchar accidentally lit a flame near the forest setting it a blaze? It wasn’t just always there, something had to start the fire. Just make sure you tell the readers everything, leaving out important facts can make them confused. D:

Introduction:
There wasn’t really anything here, it was very bland and made the story confusing and boring. What was DM like? Crazy, or really shy. What did he look like. The only thing that you really did point out at all was where they were. Which is okay, but you really want to tell about the characters so they seem alive in the story, not just some 2D figure that some teenager thought up. :P

Who - What - Where - When - Why - How… those are the few things that can make a intro quite, err, spiffy? It can make the story pop out of the pages and make it realistic, more than ever; it can really make the story what it is in its whole. Don’t forget to introduce the story itself, since it can help a lot, not can actually, will. :o

Grammar/Spelling:
There was only a few mistakes, nothing really else was wrong with it though; this seemed really good actually. ^^; Make sure you look over your story and point out all those mistakes and fix them! :D

With his new addition to his team, DM set out to find yet another Pokemon. DM wore a red shirt with blue jeans. He had blonde hair, which waves when he runs. "Chimmy, Monty, come out." DM said. [new para. here] When the Pokeballs hit the ground, two monkeys jumped out. "Chimchar!" said one. Chimmy was very excited. His fur was a dark red, but the fur on his stomach was a light brown. [and here] "Mankey!" said the second. Monty was just caught in the local forest. His fur was a light brown.
This paragraph should be split up into more than one. Each time a new person/Pokemon talks a new sentence needs to be formed, so each time Chimchar/DM/Mankey speaks.

I put underlines where they need to be new paragraphs, though this happened more than once in the story, but you can find and fix the other ones on your own. ^^;

Then, out jumped the fiery red monkey as it said "Chim!".
The period (.) at the end of that doesn’t need to be there, if you are using some form of dialogue, after the quotation or whatever mark, there is no need for any punctuation at all. This also happened a few times, but, again I’m not going to point them out. XP

"Chimmy, let's go." DM said.
Before quotation marks end, you should use either a question/exclamation mark or a comma. Whichever emotion they are showing is the mark that you should use. However, when the dialogue is ending a paragraph/whole sentence, there is no need for the comma usage, just put a period, or if you aren’t going to put something like “DM said.”

I pointed out the things that you seemed to do over and over again; otherwise this was okay. ^^;

Length:
This was a bit short, you could add into the battle/detail intro, and defiantly make the plot bigger and better than ever.

Detail:
This was almost non-existent, you didn’t really give any clear and just eye popping detail, almost as if this was just black and white and the characters where just walking blobs. D: Which I know they weren’t as they seemed to be human, but anyways. You didn’t put much time into this part of the story, it’s very blank and dull and boring. It was just dry and dull; adding the simplest details is usually enough to make the story a better read.

The only description I really saw was the “blonde hair” that you gave to DM, but that was really all. Don’t forget you can always describe the Pokemon, pretend everyone that is going to read the story has never seen or heard of Pokemon, give their minds a nice imagine of what they look like. And, if you really have to, close your eyes and type/write out what you see, it can really make descriptions vivid and fun. But, don’t forget that characters aren’t the only thing that you have to describe. Surroundings are important to be able to see, without them the readers have no idea of what kind of trouble the characters are in. Maybe the fire was big and blazing, crackling around the forest… or maybe it was small and not frightening at all.

One last note; don’t forget about emotions, they can put a character at their best and make them all the more better when the story involves emotional, or mentally distressing parts.

Battle:
This as well, was quite boring and dull. You didn’t really seem to put your mind into it and make it fun and whatnot. Attacks and Pokemon should be described well. Don’t forget make the battle more like an anime battle, not like what it’s game-boy. Maybe even put a few combos in there. The battle can be as fun as you want it, just give it a shot of detail, and put some good efforts into it; they pay off in the end! :D

Also, the surroundings can really make a difference here, make sure you put some time to describe it as the Pokemon weren’t just going around in a white blob of nothingness. They were somewhere. Maybe even use the surroundings to one of the Pokemon’s advantage. Lots of imaginative things can come. :o

Final Outcome:
This had a great potential, as do you, but you really need to add detail into the story. That’s all that is really wrong with it. Detail is usually one of the hardest things to come up with, but just take some time to think and maybe look through a dictionary and make it fun and even more exciting…

So, for now, Starly not captured… :[ I’m sorry, but add some detail in the battle and the rest of the story and I’ll gladly regrade this puppy.

Diamond_Master
02-21-2008, 10:50 PM
Okay. I'll fix that in a little bit.

Diamond_Master
02-22-2008, 12:16 PM
Finished (Hopefully)
*Waits for regrade*

EmBreon
03-15-2008, 05:49 PM
It doesn't really seem like you've read Jr's grade. :oops: Everything he suggested to fix in his grade still remains in your story. I think this plot is fine for a Starly, but everything else about it kind of drags you down a bit.

You could really use some detail. For example: Instead of saying, "Chimchar used Flame Wheel," explain it. What does it look like? Is it a rotating ring of scorching oranges and reds? An icy blast of frigid wind? Pretend that your reader doesn't know what Pokemon is. Describe the attacks and scenery as much as you can.

I'd also like to elaborate on Jr's explanation of dialogue:

"Chimmy, let's go." DM said.

When you end a quote with a phrase like 'he said', or 'she replied', or anything that refers back to the quote, it needs to end in a comma (Unless, of course, the ending punctuation requires a question mark or an exclamation point). The reasoning behind this is that a person can't just 'say'. What did they say? And so you connect it to the speech with a comma.

It would only stay a period if the following sentence was a completely different idea. Such as if you had said:

"Chimmy, let's go." DM tossed a glossy sphere into the sky.

The sentence doesn't refer to the quote at all, thus making a period appropriate.

So in short, I think this story is in most desperate need of descriptions. While it is for a Starly, you still need some kind of visual in this story, as it was very difficult to see what was going on. I suggest rereading Jr's grade, and perhaps take some of his advice this time. A lot of his tips could really help you if you take them to heart. This story is about on the borderline, and I think you have just a minimal amount of editing to go. Until then, I'll have to say Starly not captured. You're nearly there, so don't give up. :]