View Full Version : An Orpheus Saga
02-18-2008, 01:47 AM
Pokemon Caught So Far: Smeargle, Buizel, Goldeen
For the record, the first two chapters coincide with my other story, so Spinarak is fairly caught.
Proof:The Itsy Bitsy Spinarak
Chapter One: The Saga Begins
Glimmering sunlight shone through the forest of Route 207. It reflected off of the early morning dew like they were tiny mirrors, only to be lapped up by thirsty, energetic Pokemon. The air was calm, and there were no humans in sight to interrupt the peaceful trees and their residents. This beauty was only skin deep, though, and a different reality was the world of the Pokemon Learning School. Seven feet underground, woven between the roots of the ancient trees, studied a small group of young Pokemon. There were many different rooms, all of which existed in the large cavern of dirt directly below a tree. They were protected by those, and were connected to each other by damp, narrow passageways. Let us follow one of these paths and observe a certain class, and more importantly, a Spinarak.
The room was filled with make shift desks of bark, and various Pokemon sat at them. At the front of the hole, an Ampharos was blathering on about which status afflictions caused what, etc. The luminescent orb on its skinny tail filled the room with a soft, yellow light. Most of the Pokemon were either snoozing or passing notes; it was clear they'd rather be up in the sun than down in the dirt. However, in the far corner of the classroom, where the light barely reached, one was intently paying attention. He was jotting down notes at a speed only capable to a spider, because of its eight arms. As soon as the teacher mentioned burns, Spinarak's interest peaked. He was weak against fire types, and he wanted to learn everything there was to learn about facing it.
"Now class, I know that we are only reviewing this lesson, but it is also extremely important," said Mr. Bulbflash. "As most of you are weak against fire, it is important to know how to counter it. Otherwise, you cannot be as successful as possible in your battles." Spinarak nodded enthusiastically. The Nuzleaf to his left groaned. He hated sitting next to this nerd. Casually, Joshua folded a long piece of birch bark into a plane and aimed it at Spinarak's head. Before he could throw it, however, a loud, hollow sound rang through the school. It was the bell. Everyone flooded from their seats and out to the stairs. Spinarak waved his teacher cheerfully good-bye as he gathered his things and headed to the place the rest had been longing. Spinarak burst from the door, out into the open air. With a quick glance around, he snuck over to a pile of leaves. He observed it carefully. Spinarak and his friends had come up with a way to get each other secret messages about where they wanted to train. Spinarak may have been a book worm, but he enjoyed battling even more. Quietly, he sprinted off into the forest's deeper area.
Spinarak raced happily towards the newest sight, a bright clearing deep in the forest. The ground was littered with a variety of flowers. There were stumps, some old equipment, a vegetable patch; all sorts of things that would make this a perfect training site. Across the field, Spinarak saw his friend racing over to greet him. It was Dug the Weedle. He had the usual jolly grin on his face, though contradicted by the extremely sharp horn protruding from his head. Spinarak met him halfway, excited to finally see someone who thought well of him.
"So, what do you think about this new setup?" Dug questioned in glee. His eyes twinkled with so much excitement it could have blinded someone. "Is it awesome, or what?"
Spinarak merely smiled. He knew his friend well enough not to bother answering a question they both thought was irrelevant. It was a beautiful place, and they could get a lot done here.
"Let's go practice by that stump. It can be our personal meeting place from now on." Spinarak nodded. They headed over, side by side.
After many hours of practicing the accuracy, strength, and endurance of their very best moves, the two finally called it a night. After waving good night to the rest of the group there, Spinarak headed up his home tree, and snuggled into a cozy hole on a higher branch. As he slept, he dreamed about how powerful he and Dug would become. They would be the greatest team ever, and with that thought, Spinarak slept thoroughly. If he had dreamt any more than that, he didn't remember it.
The next day, the sky was a dull gray with solemnity. Spinarak awoke to the sounds of two Starly fighting over an apple below him. He groaned. Today wasn't going to be any fun. The weather always seemed to have an effect on Spinarak's attitude. Suddenly, his face lit up at the notion that there wasn't any school today. With newfound giddiness, Spinarak clamored down the tree and out to the lake. Maybe he could find someone to play with.
At last, Spinarak reached the oval body of shining water. It had glowing yellow sand around it, and a lot of the Pokemon were out for a swim. Spinarak loved swimming himself, but today seemed too cold for him, so instead, he headed over to a group of Pokemon whispering violently. A slight frown crossed the spider's face as he scurried. What was going on? His friend, Pidgey, looked up and noticed the new arrival. With a sigh of relief, Pidgey flapped over to him.
"Spinarak!" shouted Pidgey. "You're okay!" When he saw the baffled look on Spinarak's face, however, he stopped to explain what was going on. "The training group was meeting today, but something terrible happened. We flying types saw it, but the others don't know yet." Spinarak gasped. Dug! Before Pidgey could explain any more, Spinarak scurried away, headed to face the danger that may be awaiting him.
Spinarak arrived at the field just in time. The others were already getting started. A Lotad was attempting to knock a bucket over with his water gun, while a Caterpie was rehearsing his tackle on a nearby pumpkin. Taking a deep breath, Spinarak scurried between the training Pokemon and came to the area he and his friend, Dug, trained. Spinarak stopped in his tracks when he reached the stump, mouth agape. His mind went numb. This couldn't be happening!
"Well, well. What do we have here?" taunted nastily a certain Joshua the Nuzleaf. "It seems our buddy Legs has come to play." Spinarak trembled with fear and anger. How did Joshua find them? This was a secret gathering; it was established to protect themselves from people like him. Tears sprang to Spinarak's burning eyes. He didn't know why, but this felt like it was his responsibility.
"What are you doing here, Joshua?" Spinarak commanded, though his voice shook so much, he thought he might shatter into a bunch of small pieces.
"Why, I came to play, like the rest of you." The Nuzleaf stepped to the side, revealing a passed out Weedle lying on the ground. Spinarak gasped in shock at the sight of his hurt friend. He was twitching wildly in the long, trampled grass. Dug's eyes fluttered open for a moment, but were forced closed again by the multiple bruises on his face. Nuzleaf merely smirked and continued, "I am amazed you people managed to keep this from me all this time. I don't like being tricked, so I suggest you prepare for a battle!"
Spinarak let out a small, terrified squeak. The sight of Dug's result of battle put a trembling in Spinarak's heart. He couldn't battle this bully. He would be beaten for sure. So instead of charging Nuzleaf down, Spinarak fled. Tears sprayed from his eyes as he abandoned his friend to the terrible life that once held him hostage; his half-brother's taunts following him.
02-18-2008, 01:47 AM
Chapter Two: Abandoned Wilderness
Spinarak's heart raced as his feet pounded along the unforgiving path. The forest had grown darker; thicker. Only barbaric Pokemon lived this close to humans, Spinarak thought wildly. Fear spread through his veins quicker than his blood. What if he was attacked? Spinarak hadn't the energy to fight back at this point, but the only thing he could do was keep running. Spinarak squeezed his eyes tighter to prevent tears from reaching the surface, and ran harder still. The harder he ran, the less he would think. And thinking was the last thing Spinarak wanted to do at the moment. After what seemed like ages of agonizing sprinting, Spinarak reached a road. Thin, but clearly well traveled. Spinarak wasted no time to flop down and rest. Panting, he looked into the sky, and caught a glimpse the sun sinking stealthily behind a mountain range. Night was close in coming, and that meant that the humans who carried the enslaving spheres would be inside their shelters. Spinarak slowly dragged himself to the other side of the road and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, not to mention hungry. However, the adrenaline that had carried him this far was running low, and he couldn't stand back up. Without another thought, Spinarak drifted off into what would be a restless, tormented sleep.
A brilliant morning sun shone down on the top of Spinarak's head. It had been for nearly an hour now, and the sense of hot skin woke him up immediately. He jumped to his feet with a start, carefully taking in his surroundings. He was unfamiliar with this area of the forest, and had no idea whether the local Pokemon would act kindly towards him. Suddenly, the sound of something moving quickly up the path alerted the Spinarak. It sounded like something rolling, and it was making a weird metallic noise every second. Spinarak dove to the side and concealed himself in the bushes. Curiously, he peeked through the lower half, and was nearly thrown back with the force left behind the biker. It was a human, with flowing, curly blond hair and dressed in mostly black. His jacket was a dark maroon, however. The expression on his face suggested to the spider that this human was in an urgent hurry. Perhaps he was trying to beat someone to the next town? Spinarak slunk out of the bushes after the human was gone. Still inquiring to himself the peculiar outlook of the human, he did not here the soft whooshing sound that streaked up behind him. The Pokemon behind the noise swept him up in its talons and shot back up into the sky. Spinarak nearly passed out in pure shock and terror. He looked up, and of course, the first thing the terrified Spinarak saw was an immensely long and sharp beak, protruding from a dusty, orange feathered bird. The Fearow shrieked out in victory as it flapped towards its nest, high up on a nearby mountain.
Spinarak gulped in anguish. He had run as far as he could to avoid the bullies of his hometown, and now he had been swept up like fast food. And that is what he was to the Fearow. Spinarak, for some reason, felt that he would rather not be food. So, with a quick, upward stroke, he delivered a mighty Poison Jab into the lower stomach of the Pokemon.
"Skrreeeeaaah!" the Fearow shouted in more surprise than pain, and dropped Spinarak to the world below. Luckily, they had only been about twenty feet up at this point. Spinarak used a Spider Web on a nearby tree, and caught himself with minimum difficulty. Settling himself once again on a soft, solid ground, he looked up in an emotion of glee, soon replaced by horror. The Fearow had circled around and was once again diving at its prey. Scurrying as fast as his stubby legs could carry him; Spinarak quickly located a small chasm in the side of the mountain and slipped inside. He was now far from the reach of the flying predator. He inhaled a sigh of relief, but got a mouthful of gritty, coarse dirt. The Pokemon spluttered in distaste, and pressed himself against the back wall. He listened closely, and was rewarded with the sound of dirt being kicked into the air by a large set of wings taking off. Pleased with himself, Spinarak began moving towards the opening in his burrow. Before he could reach it though, the dusty floor caved in, and Spinarak was deposited down into whatever lay below him.
Spinarak struggled to his feet, only to slip back down in the pile of debris that had come with him. Groaning, Spinarak looked around, and was surprised at what he saw. Everything was clear, because his nocturnal eyesight was extremely good. He had landed on a thin, short pillar about five feet up. The dim light of the setting sun was shining down on him like a beam through the hole, and helped illuminate the cave. It was a huge, craggily cavern, with two side ways to smaller tunnels. It was extremely open, however, and contained nothing out of the ordinary. Wincing, Spinarak pulled himself up once again, and stepped out into the open. As he continued to glance around, a soft rumbling noise echoed up from one of the tunnels. Spinarak quickly leapt backwards, alert that a strange noise in this area was probably an unfriendly Pokemon. Sure enough, a large Pokemon came barreling down the path at high speed. It had an enraged look in its eyes, and dove straight for Spinarak. Without thinking, Spinarak used String Shot and grappled himself up to the Onix's head, and hung onto its massive horn. Roaring in frustration, the Onix swayed from side to side, smashing his head against various walls. Still, the spider hung on. As soon as Spinarak felt he would fall of, he brought down a mighty Poison Jab on the Onix's head, and leapt off to the cave floor below. He hit with a small poof of dust and rolled. He barely was able to dodge the Slam attack the Onix had followed up with. Its tail clipped the Spinarak in the side, sending a jolt of pain through him and tossing him into a wall. Spinarak struggled to his feet, and looked up to the rock snake.
"Grraaah! Why have you entered my domain?" The Onix thundered, causing the little arachnid to shake. He couldn't muster any words out before the Onix used a Screech to blow him backwards into another wall. Spinarak wailed in pain, but pulled himself together and spat a pitiful Pin Missile at his enemy.
"Garrumph!"With a snort, the Onix pushed his way through the flying needles, and charged up a Tackle. Spinarak shook hysterically. Why did this always happen to him? He hadn't harmed these Pokemon, yet they treated him like something to be pounded into the dust. Why must everyone fight? Something snapped inside Spinarak. He understood their violence; this was the real world, not his school. In reality, it was the toughest that prospered. With an unsettling battle cry, Spinarak leapt over the charging Onix. He landed with another roll, but this time came up quickly. With a malicious glint in his eye, He unleashed a purple blast from his mind. Onix suddenly glowed, and could not slow his tackle. Instead, the Psychic attack thrust him into the opposing wall with a skull splitting smash.
"Go pick on a different Pokemon, Onix!" the Spinarak called defiantly. "I refuse to be bullied by the likes of you anymore!" Huffing, the rock snake rose, his brow furrowed in anger. Matching this look, Spinarak leapt up onto the five foot pillar he had landed on during entry, and prepared for a powerful Pin Missile. Before it could be released, however, Onix lofted a huge rock at him. Spinarak's eyes widened at the Rock Throw, immobilized by fear. As the boulder scraped the ceiling in an arch, he came to his senses and quickly backed up. The rock struck the pillar over, toppling the perched Pokemon with it to the side of the cave.
Spinarak had been hit badly. His entire being felt as if it had been crushed, though he was sitting on the top of the pile of rubble. Spinarak moaned. Creaking one eye open, he saw that his oppressor was rising above him to deliver the final strike. But another noise distracted the two. It was human footsteps. Someone was entering the cave. Spinarak closed his eyes, hoping with all his might that the Onix might leave. Instead, it roared and charged the human. Before Spinarak could witness the battle, however, he blacked out into a sea of darkness, closely resembling what his life had become.
Spinarak slowly became aware of his surroundings. He opened his eyes again, and heard the human call out for one of his Pokemon to deliver a Roar. With relief, Spinarak witnessed the Onix slither away, back down the tunnel. What if the trainer attacked him!? He hadn't thought of that, but it occurred to him that he was a sitting duck. He quickly began squirming, trying to find a way to get up. A shadow fell on him. He had been spotted. Spinarak looked up. It was a young boy, with shaggy black hair and dressed in multiple shades of green. His expression was one mixed with concern, pity, and warmth. Spinarak's heart was rejuvenated by it. Somehow, he could feel what this human was thinking. It wanted to be his friend; it cared about him. Spinarak closed his eyes with joy. A friend. This was a something new to him. It wasn't belittling him like some of the people back home. It wasn't angry for no reason, nor was it hungry like a Fearow. With a soft, comforting sensation, Spinarak felt himself being sucked up into a Poke ball. Spinarak gave over to the feeling, and let himself be compressed into energy. He was not alone anymore.
02-18-2008, 01:48 AM
Chapter Three: A Dark Void
The Poke ball in Matt's hand quit moving after a couple of seconds. Matt couldn't help but smile to the Whismur perched on his shoulder. He had caught a second Pokemon. It was time to head back and accept the challenge John had left him. Matt spun on his heels and headed down the tunnel opposite of the one Onix had departed through.
As the two made their way to the exit, Matt thought about the expression that had flitted across the face of the Spinarak as he was absorbed by the spherical container. "It was warm and relieved," Matt said to no one in particular. The Whismur gave him a quizzical look. "I think I made a good decision capturing that one. It already seems to like me." Goza gave this a noncommittal shrug, not really knowing what his trainer was talking about.
"Whiiissssmur!" He replied aloofly. Matt may not have been all there in the head, Goza thought, but he had a lot of heart. With a great bound, Goza threw himself off of the shoulder he had been traveling on and into the shining moonlight that lurked outside. He needed fresh air now! The stars were glimmering brightly now, and the trees were stereotypically swaying in the breeze. Matt longed for some sort of variety in the weather. It had been the same everywhere he went; clear and warm. Boring, to some degree. Matt kept in mind as he wandered down the mountain that this would not last much longer, as it was getting closer to the winter. He may as well enjoy it while he can. Matt looked at his watch. It was dark, due to a film of dirt on the screen, but the 'glow button' quickly fixed the visibility problem. It was only twenty of six. Maybe they should get some training done before tomorrow. It was going to be an important battle to them all. Well, maybe not Spinarak. He didn't know anyone yet.
"I still need to introduce us to Spinarak," Matt told Goza, who by now had readjusted himself on Matt's shoulder.
"Sssmuurrr!" he warned, reminding his trainer that he still needed to be healed up before any of that was to happen. Matt nodded.
"You're right, like always." Matt picked up his pace and bee lined to the nearest Center. He was so caught up in finally having another Pokemon that he had completely forgotten the condition his Spinarak were in. Goza looked awfully tired himself. Just then, Matt stomach rumbled. Another excuse, it seemed. Alright, they would train. But not before they got rested up and something to eat. And with that, Matt recalled Goza and ran the rest of the way to the Pokemon Center.
Matt sat on the sofa in the waiting room, sucking on a juice box. He had a massive weakness for apple juice. Next to him, Goza was inhaling a bag of Cheese Puffs. They were still waiting on Spinarak to be finished healing, and were snacking down in anxiety of the upcoming battle. Finally, Nurse Joy walked out of the operating room with Spinarak's Poke ball. After thanking Nurse Joy, he walked outside, pressed the silver button on the latch, and enlarged the currently occupied Poke ball.
"Come on out, Spinarak!" Matt commanded as the spider was deposited on the ground in a flash of red light. It immediately looked up at Matt with a gleeful smile
"Spiinarak!" he exclaimed, but it was interrupted by his stomach grumbling angrily. Spinarak grimaced, but Matt only chuckled and handed him an apple. Spinarak nodded his head in gratitude and began munching.
"Oh! That's right, we haven't properly introduced ourselves!" Matt exclaimed. "I'm Matt, and this is Goza." The little rabbit waved happily at Spinarak, who was all too welcome to return it. "I suppose we can't just keep calling you 'Spinarak' so what shall we call you?" Spinarak's eyes lit up. Names for particular people were a human thing, but he was overjoyed to think about becoming someone more important than just an ordinary Spinarak.
"How about ShadowSpinner? I did find you in the shadows, after all," Matt said thoughtfully. Spinarak nodded again. It not only sounded cool, but he planned on being a little terror in battles from now on. With that thought, ShadowSpinner came to be, and was currently flexing muscles goofily to his trainer.
Matt laughed. ShadowSpinner was a nice addition to the team. "Okay then, with that, we shall train!" Matt explained to the little bug about the battle they were going to have tomorrow. ShadowSpinner's eyes glinted with determination as Goza slapped him a high-five. This would be a chance to prove himself. Matt recalled his Pokemon, and took off into the field behind the center. Matt was thrown to the ground though, by an incredible tremor that seemed to shake the planet to the core. Winds suddenly picked up, tearing leaves from the trees and kicking up a storm of dirt. It created an ominous whistling noise, and thunder crackled to life a couple of miles away. Startled by the sudden weather change, Nurse Joy ran out of the Pokemon Center to the plain. She reached Matt and tried to help him to his feet, but was nearly thrown herself by another quake. Rain began down pouring on their heads, and more thunder ensued as the two stared awestruck at the mystic storm. Their wide eyes were blinded momentarily by a vicious flash at that moment. A bolt of green lightening careened down and struck the earth, only about fifteen feet away. The ground, charred from the burst, screamed to life. A blast of the same hue erupted from the point, rising to the brown haired boy's height before spreading out. It created what appeared to be a doorway in midair, still sparkling in a neon green color.
Matt shrunk back in terror with the nurse, both now lying in the shivering grass. A bizarre noise screeched from the blinding gate, and what seemed like dead black talons gashed an opening through. With a nearly invisible speed, some sort of monster burst out, and charged the two bewildered humans. Matt's hair was blowing only a bit, as most of it was soaked and stuck to his head. Nurse Joy's pink hair was long and shiny, however, and much more noticeable. Perhaps this is what drew the creature to her first, because it was easier to see in the vision impairing rain. With a shriek of victory, it snatched up a screaming Nurse Joy in its claws and dragged her by the ankle back through the shrinking portal.
"No!" Matt hollered in horror. He could not let whatever that thing was take someone back through the gateway. Who knows what could be back there? So with a final act of courage, he pulled himself up and sprinted through the nearly gone portal.
The passage was extremely chilly. Matt felt as he had leapt into a bucket of ice water and was now sinking to the bottom. It indeed felt as if he was falling, but without any light or feeling left in his body, he could not be sure. After what felt like an eternity, a small light appeared below him, and was growing fast. So he was falling. As he got even closer, a feeling of warmth washed over him. It was such a good feeling, Matt was absolutely nothing but joy as his descent began to slow. He had passed through the Dark Void safely.
02-18-2008, 01:53 AM
Chapter Four: The Polymer Caverns and a Destiny’s Bond
The Dark Void is a world between worlds. It is there, but does not truly exist as far as being goes. It is most commonly known as a powerful attack performed by a certain Pokemon, but there is much, much more to it. When someone is subjected to the attack, they are merely dipped into the soothing waves, putting the mentioned person into a deep sleep. This is what Matt had leapt into. Like all normal Pokemon and humans, he was now slumbering soundly, but it did not stop there. He had followed the creature through the cloud of sleep, all the way to the other side. There, one could find another door, leading out. This would take you to a different world. The home of whatever had taken Nurse Joy.
The darkness rescinded, depositing Matt onto a yellow mound of sand. Had he been awake, he would have seen what appeared to be an underground chamber. It was strangely illuminated, however, and everything was visible. The floor was completely hidden by a layer of warm sand. Magnificent stalactites hung precariously from a granite ceiling. Ancient pillars grew from the sand and held the cave intact. They were covered in intricate painted designs and markings. To the far side, between the thickest columns, lay a stone door. It pulsed gently with the same neon green as the original gate had. Its face was covered with a faded symbol, some of its paint chipping off.
Matt’s eyes fluttered open. Quickly remembering his urgent quest, he wiped his eyes and took in his surroundings. Of course, another cave. Matt made an effort to groan, but to his surprise, he found that he could not talk in the slightest. This must be some sort of side effect of the world he was in. Grumbling in his head, Matt took off down the path between the pillars with a Poke ball in his hand. As he approached the door, he slowed himself to a halt. It was too quiet in here. Surely something would have tried to stop him by now.
As if on cue, a massive bolt of lightening blew a small crater in the ground before him. Matt leapt backwards, protecting his face from the smoldering shrapnel. Immediately, Matt tossed the sphere into the air. A spout of red light poured to the ground into the form of a rabbit shaped Pokemon. Goza held a battle position, but was also unable to utter a word. The two prepared themselves, and cautiously crept over to the door again. This time, a small Pokemon leapt down with ease, using his brush-like tail for balance. Matt pulled out his Pokedex, and read about the opponent.
Apparently, it was called a Smeargle, and it had only one type of attack. The attack only had one PP as well. But if this was true, how had it caused that bolt of lightening? Looking up, Matt saw the Smeargle staring at them intently.
“I am the first guardian of the Polymer Caverns. What business do you have here?” the Smeargle demanded. Matt was astonished, and took a step back. It wasn’t so much that the Pokemon could talk. Matt was merely confused at how he could talk in this place and not them. The Smeargle continued, “If you wish to proceed, you must beat the first cavern’s challenge, and myself in a battle.”
Matt was a little taken aback by this proposal, but nodded in determination. He had to get Nurse Joy back.
“The first Cavern Challenge is the challenge of trust.” Smeargle crouched down into a fighting position. “You must face me without being able to communicate.”
Suddenly, the painter flung himself up into the air and unleashed a Thunderbolt attack at Goza. Quickly, the Whismur spun out of the way and blasted the Smeargle into a pillar with a mighty Hyper Voice. Goza and Matt had been battling for a long time together, and Goza knew that Matt usually started a battle off with that attack. Though the column cracked at the impact, Smeargle bounced back easily. His expressionless face impressed that the technique had barely any affect on his person. Goza was astonished, to say the least. Hyper Voice was one of his best moves. How could it do so little?
With expedient energy, the artist began sketching some strange markings on himself. His eyes were closed in concentration. Matt took this opportunity to check the Pokedex on this latest move. It was called Sketch. Supposedly, it copied the opponents most recently used move. Permanently. Matt looked up in shock and terror, but could not warn Goza. Instead, he signaled the Whismur to move out of the way. Just in time, the Smeargle unleashed a Hyper Voice attack. Matt was horrified at the havoc his Hyper Voice caused. Goza’s had cracked a pillar; Smeargle’s shattered one. It was obviously powerful.
Matt shot Goza a worried look. He had to make Goza understand the strategy. At first, the Pokemon was confused, but his eyes quickly lit up in acknowledgement. Goza turned to the Smeargle, who was now charging up a Thunderbolt. Before Smeargle could finish, Goza knocked him to the ground with a Screech. They had to lower its defense in order to do any real damage.
“Your bond with the Whismur is impressive,” the Smeargle stated. “It will not, however, win you this battle by itself.” And with that said, the artist blasted Goza through another column with a bolt of electricity. It collapsed entirely, spreading a fine coverage of dust into the air. Goza wasn’t out yet, though, and another Screech threw the Smeargle to the ground. Before the sand could settle, however, a massive rumbling cut the battle short for the time being. With two of the columns smashed, the amount of weight straining the remaining pillars increased. The already cracked third was groaning without the help of the rest. The whole cavern could collapse entirely at any time.
“We must end this now!” Smeargle lunged at Goza, already glowing with energy. The corners of Matt’s mouth tightened, waiting for Goza to spring the final blow. Right before Smeargle could finish, Goza leapt straight up, and came down in a massive Stomp. Smeargle’s eyes widened, but he was too late. The Whismur smashed the Pokemon down into the sand. The ground gave way, and both Pokemon disappeared into the swirling dirt. Matt worriedly scanned the area.
“Goza!” he hollered in fright, and was surprised to find his voice was back. Someone had won, but whom? In the smoke, a dark figure stood and stepped out of the crater. It was Goza, a happy grin filling Matt with relief.
Suddenly, the third pillar gave out, and parts of the ceiling began raining down. Matt recalled his Pokemon immediately, and ran to the door. Just as he was about to race through, he stopped and pulled out a spare Poke ball. He couldn’t leave Smeargle there to be crushed. This was the only way to save the artistic Pokemon. So with a great thrust, Matt pulled the Smeargle into the safety of the sphere. He didn’t look at it as he raced through the barely standing door. He didn’t need to capture it to save its life, just get it out of the room. Matt wished it would stop shaking though. Smeargle was extremely smart and loyal; good qualities in a Pokemon. As the cave behind him finally collapsed, Matt quickly glanced at the Poke Ball. It shook vigorously once, twice…
02-24-2008, 03:57 PM
He PM'd me, so....I'll grade it. :OOOOO
Expect a grade within the next 3 hours. :)
A Spinirak is ran out of its home by a Nuzleaf, (Whom we should learn more about in future chapters). He ends up in a place far away, but is abducted by a Fearow, he manages to escape, by attacking it, and then hurrying into a cave. There, he battles an Onix, but looses, and before the Onix can KO him, it is Roared away, by a human. This Human catches him.
In the next part, the story is told from the point of view from the person. He goes to the Pokemon Center, and heals Spinirak, and gives him the name of 'ShadowSpinner'. (Nice Name =] ) Then, Matt goes outside. He is about to start training, when so sort of mystical being rips a hole in the world, causing the weather to go wild. Something comes out of that hole, and grabs Nurse Joy, and pulls her in. Matt follows, and appears in some sort of underground chamber. He goes forward, and learns that he is in the Polymer Chamber, and that it is guarded by some Pokemon. The first guard is a Smeargle who he battles.
I liked this plot. (I tend to like the whole 'save the world with a bunch of epic battles' and crap like that) I really like how you started it off as Spinirak and slowly progress to him being captured. When you put it int the Pokemon's point of view I think that makes the story better.
I find the Dark Void thing sort of random-ish, I think. One second they were about to battle, and the next they were sucked into the hole. You might want to make that a bit more gradual, or you can add things like 'All of a sudden' or 'Out of nowhere', or something to make it feel more sudden.
The intro here was nice. It gave a snapshot of the world, where Spinirak was, and why he was there (sorta). I had a lot of detail about the school, and thats good. I also like how you didn't give us a description about the Spinirak right away, but slowly led us into him.
Good overall, but there were a couple things.
A bolt of green lightening careened down and struck the earth, only about fifteen feet away.
I think 'lightening' should be 'lightning', but my Microsoft Word doesn't say that it's wrong, so don't really worry about it that much. D:
This was a something new to him.
The 'a' shouldn't be there.
You should also try breaking up your paragraphs. Start a new paragraphs whenever you are starting a new idea, or topic. Like when the hole erupted out of thin air, you probably want to make a new paragraph as soon as the weather starts changing, to make a little less...confusing.
Honestly this was really all I could see, and it was a stretch on my part. Good work.
31k Over the max. *Applauds* :)
Your detail was very good and descriptive. I'm glad you didn't use bland words like 'good' or 'cool', but instead used more descriptive words that easily let me picture everything in the story easily. However, sometimes, the descriptions didn't make sense. Ex:
It was extremely open
Huh? I understand what you are trying to say, but this just sounds weird. I believe you want to say something along the lines of:
It was large, and spacious
Or something like that, but not sounding like your describing a bedroom in a new house, when you're trying to describe a cave. ._.
You also want to try and not describing something, and contradict them later like"
"What are you doing here, Joshua?" Spinarak commanded, though his voice shook so much, he thought he might shatter into a bunch of small pieces.
You cant really make commands very well when your scared to pieces. Commands are usually forceful and loud, to make the biggest impact. When your terrified, the most you can do is 'squeak', or 'ask timidly'.
Matt was thrown to the ground though, by an incredible tremor that seemed to shake the planet to the core.
I've sorta already talked about this, but I really think that you should put a suddenly or something front of this. As far as I can tell that happened in a split second,so you would say that like something small. In like the last part of the sentence's description though. :D
Real enough. Sorta odd that SPinirak and Nuzleaf are half brothers, but its pausible. There dad has to be a Paras/Parasect though. D:
Ahh, easily your worst area. "Unlike the descriptions of the surroundings, and the Pokemon, your attacks were described poorly. Pretend like the grader has no idea what any of the attacks look like, or what they do.
So, with a quick, upward stroke, he delivered a mighty Poison Jab into the lower stomach of the Pokemon.
What's a Poison Jab? You can do anything with a quick upward stroke. I can drink milk with a quick upwards stroke. :O This is better than the next example. You at least told me something.
Without thinking, Spinarak used String Shot and grappled himself up to the Onix's head,
Whats a Sting Shot? A great blast of water? A massive jumping attack? You must describe it. Say something like:
Without thinking, Spinarak spat a thick strand of sticky saliva upwards, towards the great snake's rock head. The strand latched on, and held strong, as Spinirak grappled himself up to the Onix's head,
Not the best, but descriptive at least. D: It also adds length,so thats always good. :)
With the attacks being described so poorly, that really put it on the border for me, but the descriptions and plot were quite good, so, I think I'll let it slide this one time. Smeargle Captured!! For your next couple of stories you will really have to work on those attacks to catch your Pokemon.
03-27-2008, 03:39 AM
Chapter Five: If I Were You
Matt shrunk down and stuffed his now peaceful Pokeball into his pocket. He sat down on a chunk of stone that had came through with him, and sighed heavily, his thick hair glued to his forhead and clogged with dust. He brushed it to the side tiredly. Smeargle was his, yet something in him stirred. Whenever he caught a pokemon before, a strong, emotional connection almost immediately formed. It was as if his new friend became a part of him. Smeargle was left strangely free of this bond, however. Matt felt like he was being blocked, isolated. He couldn't imagine why, so he put it aside as a difficulty of the Dark Void. Who knew what this place could do to him? After resting for a couple of minutes, Matt stood and was for the first time interested in his surroundings. He was in a thin, dimly lit corridor. The walls and ceiling were made of the same stone as the room before, but it had a musty smell. An occasional colony of moss blossomed from the cracks, begging for a breath of air.The dirt beneath his feet was more moist than it ought to be underground, which was the closest thing Matt could compare it to. It had a slight upward slant, leading to an moldy wooden door. The rusted iron hinges hung painfully.
Matt approached the door with a careful earnest, like a hungry wolf closing in on an unsuspecting linx. He wanted to leave this place as quickly as possible. Yet his instincts told him that this prey was dangerous if not handled correctly. The words of his Smeargle rung in his ears. 'I am the first gaurdian of the Polymer Caverns,' he had said. That meant that still more foes awaited him. Goza wasn't in any condition to fight what would probably be an even tougher Pokemon. He wouldn't have forced Smeargle to fight anyway, even if he wasn't already unconscious. That left Shadowspinner. This was going to be a rough rescue. Matt finally reached the door. It had nothing written on it like before, but it looked like it hadn't been used in ages. Matt tensed up as he twisted the knob, and gently pulled.
He had been right about the unused part. The moment he made to enter, the door's hinges snapped and the wooden plank of a door fell outwards. Matt jumped to the side in surprise, pressed himself against the wall for a few moments in fright. Afer a moment, he peeked into the room, but all he saw was darkness. Taking a deep breathe and tightly squeezing the Spinarak's Pokeball, he rushed into the lingering shadow.
His actions were slowed suddenly. He was in, but all of his motions seemed slowed. It was like walking through pudding, but he could still breathe. As he tried to wave his hand in front of his face, an explosion of much needed light filled the room. Matt's eyes snapped shut in alarm, but was surprised to find that the flash was toleratable. Even more surprising was the layout of the room.
It wasn't a room at all, really. It was a tank. Filled to the brim with water. He could breathe in it, to his astonishment, and the water was also causing his sluggish movements. Aloong the ground was a thin layer of golden sand, shining as if with it's own light source. Bits of seaweed reached up from miniscule rockpiles, and a few Goldeen swam by lazily. It was like a giant fish bowl. Matt started walking towards the center slowly, and the light from the sand began to rise and surround him. Matt tried to shake it off, startled, but to no avail. The glow clung to his body and wrapped around the Pokeball he still had in his hand. It quickly leapt to the release button and sid into the Pokeball. Matt, in fear for his Spinarak, hustled to send him out.
Instead of the normal reddish beam erupting from the sphere, a golden mist spurted out and enveloped him. Matt felt like his spirit was being tugged from his body. Matt couldn't see anything now, completely blinded by the light. Everything became shrouded by the gold, and he fell backwards for a soft landing in the deadly sand.
Matt open his eyes. The surroundings were the same, so the mist hadn't moved him. Instead, when he stood up, he wasn't even a foot tall. He looked down at his body, and was even more frightened. He wasn't Matt anymore, but was now in the body of Shadowspinner. He wiggled his multiple legs to be sure. Yep, he was a Spinarak. Matt almost panicked, but he realized this must be the next challenge. However, he couldn't see his enemy yet, so he crawled forward to explore the sandy domain. It was the same, some plants, rocks, etc. The Goldeen were gone, but he supposed that was just to make room for the battle. Matt gazed up to the top of the tank. It didn't reach the ceiling, but left a couple of feet between. This gave him an idea. Matt sucked in a breath of water, and shot a long, elastic like band to the top. The String Shot stuck to the lip of the tank, and he reeled himself up. It took him a few minutes of swallowing the web, which alone was disgusting, but he finally was standing at the top. Matt scanned the area for his enemy. He only could looke for a few seconds though.
Matt couldn't breathe. He had be adapted to the water for now, and the air was constricting his lungs. Or gills. Whatever he had, his body wasn't getting any oxygen. Matt jumped off the side and began floating down o the surface. He let in a relieved breathe, and was immediately rejuvinated. When he was about twenty feet up, he saw a strange rocket of condensed water heading straight for him. The Aqua Jet technique shrouded the attacker, but Matt knew that this must be his opponent. He waited until it was on top of him, and released a powerfully glowing purple arm head on. The collision sent both of them spiraling down to the floor. Matt landed with a poof of dust, and was surprised when it didn't hurt him. Shadowspinner was pretty tough. He got up, and used his extra time for an Agility. He raced throught the water at a supersonic speed, all the time scoping out his enemy. He finally stopped at a large pile of rocks. A group of seaweed wasn't swaying as it should towards the top, and Matt thought he saw a lengthy, orange tail disappear briskly behind it. He stood there patiently, waiting for the voice he knew would emit soon. Sure enough, a bubbly voice wavered around his ears.
"I am Buizel, the second guardian of the Polymer Caverns." she said, and stepped from the seaweed shyly. "I am assuming that you wish to challenge me, so I will explain. The second challenge is one of understanding. You must face me, not from a trainer's viewpoint, but from that of the Pokemon's. Any questions?" She waited for his response, and Matt dug through his mind, seaching for any questions. This may be his only time to get some answers.
"Okay, first question; How can you talk?" he asked. "Is it just another power from these caverns?"
"While the guardian before me was granted with speech for his challenge, I do not need it. You understand me only because you are a Pokemon yourself now."
"Okay, what is this place and what is it for?" The Buizel looked solemn for a moment, unsure whether she should submit this information. She started, but stopped. The Buizel continued this for a couple of minutes, pondering how to explain it without revealing too much. Finally she spoke.
"As you know, these are the Polymer Caverns. They aren't really caves, though. We are in it's vast number of dimensions, a place which has no map or directions to get anywhere. Right now, we are in the West Portion. There are four... portions on this layer of the Caverns, each built to guard a profound object. These objects are artifacts of greatness, each with their own purpose. When united, they would give the possessor immense powers. Long ago, they were found to be too dangerous. They were hidden and spread about to prevent them ever to be united again." The Buizel continued quietly, "However, I fear that this may still become a reality. Someone has already broken through our defenses and obtained an artifact; The Amulet. Alone, it will cause mayhem, but united..." The Buizel trailed off, finally silenced by the shame of allowing such a thing to hapen. Matt felt sorry for her; failing her mission to protect this amulet thing must have been really important. He promised to himself he would help get it back.
"One last thing. Why did, whatever that thing was, take Nurse Joy here?" The Buizel looked up.
"That portal would only have opened if the Dark Void felt that it needed assistance in retrieving the artifact. I do not know of this creature you speak of. If that is all your questions, let us begin." The Buizel suddenly lunged forward at Matt. He had been expecting this for a while, and already had another Poision Jab charged up. He swung his arm around and dug it into the gut of the Buizel. The otter's eyes bulged and a short gasp escaped her. She reeled back a couple of feet to catch her breath, but Matt didn't give her a chance. Eyes glowing, he lifted Buizel up and shoved her down into the sand. The orange Pokemon pulled herself up and rammed Matt with another Aqua Jet. He was flung up ten feet, but he rolled over and landed gently. His eyes began glowing again, but before he could use his Psychic attack, Buizel launched a ear splitting shriek into the sand in front of him. The Sonicboom dug in deep, shifting the sand and kicking it up into a perfect cover. The water became murky, and Matt couldn't find his foe anywhere. From his left, numerous coruscating stars cut throught the water and sent him sprawling. Matt rolled along the ground, wincing from the Swift that had scored a critical hit. He could see the Buizel now, though, and he chucked it to the side with another Psychic. It rolled, and charged him with a Quick attack. Matt had no time to think, because another hit would KO him. As though by instinct, he twirled under the otter and smashed upward with a now shining black limb. The Sucker Punch surprised Buizel, and she fell down to the sandy floor face first. A cloud of dust was kicked up, and Matt had to close his eyes. When it cleared and he opened them again, he was back to being human. The Goldeen were back, and one of the smaller ones spotted the trainer and the nearly unconscious guardian.
"Deeeee!" it shrieked in fury, and rushed between them. It held it's horn at a parallel angle menacingly, daring Matt to try and capture the Buizel. Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out a Pokeball. With a small jerk, he released his newest Pokemon, Smeargle. He dropped to the floor, waving his tail in a bored manner. Matt wouldn't make him fight a guardian, that would be cruel. A random Goldeen was fair game though. Smeargle had had enough time to rest by now, and he had a type advantage with his lightning move.
"Smeargle, use a Thunderbolt!" Matt commanded. The Smeargle leapt up onto a pile of rocks and unleashed a bolt of concentrated energy straight at the Goldeen.With a rush of astonishing speed, the Goldeen dodged the bolt and knocked Smeargle off with a glowing Horn Attack. Smeargle landed hard, but pulled himself up and sent an immediate counter in the form of more thunder. This time, Goldeen was hit directly and cried out in agony. Instead of a short burst, however, Smeargle held it steady for awhile before falling to his knees, breathing hard.
"Gollll!" The Goldeen, also breathing hard, Spat a wavering ring of pulsing water towards Smeargle, who simply sidestepped the pitiful attack. Goldeen was nearly at a point of collapsing. Smeargle saw his chance, and emitted a piercing yell that flung Goldeen back and down, only to land painfully by the Buizel.
Matt walked over to the two and recalled Smeargle. They were both sprawled on the ground, inflating their lungs as if they were balloons. He pulled out two spare Pokeballs and dropped them into the sand. The Goldeen and Buizel were blanketed in the warm, red light and sucked into the spheres. The shook vigorously in unision, as if being conducted. One, Two...
05-06-2008, 10:21 PM
Sorry for the wait, here ya go. ^^
Introduction: Well, there wasn't much of one, honestly. I wouldn't have known what was going on at all if it hadn't been for the fact that I read the capture before. I understand wanting the story to continue going smoothly even with multiple captures, but for the benefit of graders, I highly suggest adding a little overview of what happened thus far in the story before the actual continuation so that they get an idea. It makes your grader less likely to get mad so they don't have to skim through something that's already graded.
Also, after reading the first part, I'm going to be a bit nitpicky and go into something I felt both parts were lacking; proper description of the characters' pasts. We don't really know anything about Matt, aside from the fact that he's a trainer and he was going to have a battle with this other guy named John. This pretty well goes for ShadowSpinner, too. I'm really just curious, but it would have been nice to get an insight as to what had happened to them before they came together and the story really started.
Plot: I can honestly say I love it. It's a lot more interesting than your run-of-the-mill story, and I was interested in it fairly quickly. I've always liked stuff about other worlds and alternate universes and the like, so this seems really great to me. However, there was a place that seemed inconsistant with what had happened in the last capture.
He couldn't imagine why, so he put it aside as a difficulty of the Dark Void.
My question is, how did Matt know that he was in the Dark Void? The Smeargle only said he was in the Polymer Caverns, but nothing about the Void itself, or where those caverns were. There's a possibility he could have known about them already, but if so, you'd need to explain how and where he heard it from.
One thing I liked, though, was the fight, where Matt became ShadowSpinner. It put a new twist into it, one that I thought made it more interesting to read. Overall, I'd say you definitely passed this category. Good job!
Grammar: Nothing too bad here, mostly little errors. I'll point out a few of the more important ones.
He sat down on a chunk of stone that had came through with him, and sighed heavily, his thick hair glued to his forhead and clogged with dust.
Here, you are using the past participle tense, since you have 'had', but 'came' is the regular past tense of 'come'. It should be changed to either 'had come' or just 'came' to make more sense.
Whenever he caught a pokemon before, a strong, emotional connection almost immediately formed.
'Pokemon' should be capitalized.
It was a tank. Filled to the brim with water.
As it is, the second sentence is a fragment, and this would make a little more sense if you replaced the period with a comma.
Length: The length really doesn't matter. It's just another section for the graders to write in. Honestly, I could have stood for more length in general, perhaps in the battle, but I'm not going to harp much about it, because it was still good.
Detail/Description: Overall, your description was very good. I could see everything vividly, and you used more interesting words than many writers. I suggest trying to use a disctionary or thesaurus to mix things up even more if you can, especially when using adverbs, just to give it that extra bit.
Also, I wanted to talk about a simile you had in here.
Matt approached the door with a careful earnest, like a hungry wolf closing in on an unsuspecting linx.
Don't get me wrong, I love similes, and this one was excellent in describing how he moved, but I felt that it didn't quite go with a Pokemon story. Why? Well, it's pretty much generally accepted that there aren't actual animals, or at least not many, in the Pokemon world. I would suggest using Pokemon to describe this instead, like a Mightyena and a Persian, for instance. It gives the story a little more character, and really hits home that we're not on Earth, we're in the Pokemon worlds.
Aside from that, good job!
Battle: Hm, well, this was better than the last one, I think, but you still could have added some more description. The trick is going into great detail while still keeping things moving, because the battle is the story's climax, what all the other events lead up to. You have to make it awesome and do the rest of your writing justice. When describing attacks, be sure to include not only what they looked like, but how they were carried out, and how the receiving Pokemon reacted. One of the best ways to get better is by reading other stories, or at least in my opinion it is. I highly suggesting taking a look at stories by both Tyranitar_Trainer and PhantomKat. They both have awesome battles in their stories, wonderfully described and at times almost ridiculously long.
But! Your battle was definitely not all bad. I loved the idea of the trainer being the Pokemon, and having to fight in his place. It was really great to read. ^^
Outcome: In all honesty, it was kinda close, but after some deliberation, I decided that Goldeen and Buizel were Captured! I almost feel that for both of them, you should have done something a little more besides just going in and fighting the Pokemon, but I decided that it was well enough written and had a good enough overall plot that I could give them to you. In the future, I suggest only going for one Simple Pokemon with a story of this length and plot complexity, because two is really cutting it close.
In any case, I think you're doing a good job. Keep up the good work!
06-03-2008, 05:44 PM
OOC: Thanks to Draconic Espeon for grading and for the feedback. Also, for theis next part, I am going for an Abra which I will trade to someone's Marowak. Last bit, Sableye, Mareep, and Magikarp are all fairly owned. I just needed to put them in there for my character. I feel the need to keep this guy on track with myself. The Sableye bit actually coincides with the story I used to catch Sableye in the first place. Yay! I did a crossover with myself! Anyway, here we go.
Mareep was bought at the Mart
Chapter Six: Up to Date
Matt reached down and retrieved the sandy Pokeballs and dusted them off. They had stopped their vigorous shaking now, instead resting calmly in his palms. He wiped his drenched, black hair out of his eyes and straightened his jade green tee shirt. He was still submersed in the Polymer Cavern’s miniature ocean, thus his clothes and hair flopped lazily about himself. Matt sat down tiredly on a pile of colorful stones, sighing. He put the second red sphere in his jacket pocket, but pulled out another and held it up next to his newly caught Buizel. The one he pulled out, almost as if by instinct, was Smeargle. Both of them were guardians here, and they both felt the same in his soul.
“What makes you two feel so different?” he questioned to himself. “I know that I caught you, but you feel strange compared to my other Pokemon. You don’t seem to connect to me like the rest.” Squeezing the Pokeballs, Matt sighed and put them back into his inside pocket. “At first, I thought that it was just something to do with the dimensions here, but Goldeen feels normal. Is it just because of your job? Should I have left you? Why do I feel so detached?” He sat on his rock pile for a couple of minutes, pondering the mysteries of the Polymer Caverns. He scratched at his shaggy hair a couple of times, but gave up. Rising slowly, he began to trudge towards the next door. It was mossy like the last, and the damp wood was warped by the constant flow of water. About ten feet away his journey was interrupted, however, by a strange gargling noise. Matt felt a tug at the back of his clothes, and the sand below his feet began to shift.
The water was draining, and fast. The center of the room had opened up like the drain of a shower, and everything was being sucked into it. The current picked up, pulling small rocks and foliage into the circular abyss. Matt fell to his knees as the sand was yanked out from under him. The floor had become a course glass, with nothing below it but a vast darkness. Matt gasped at the wondrous, yet horrifying sight. If he got sucked in, he would be deposited into the endless emptiness below. Lunging forward, he grabbed onto a thick wad of seaweed. It was swaying violently, but the sheer size of it kept it from being uprooted. With teeth clenched, Matt pulled his way through the monstrous plant until he was at the other side of the cluster. He could just about reach the old, rotten door, which was much more than a door to the next room now. It was a door to his safety. Matt reached and stretched as far as he could, but it still taunted him from out of his reach. Without thinking, he jumped for it. A second before he left the ground, he realized his mistake. The water current pulled back at him, yanking him harder and harder. Somehow, he still grasped the doorknob. Amazed by his triumph, Matt hung there for a few seconds before he started to pull himself up. Right then, the door snapped in two, and the bewildered trainer was sucked down the gargantuan drain.
Matt was falling again. His body had gone numb, his senses dead. All that he could tell was that he was descending quickly. At first, he could not understand how this feeling was so similar, but realized it was much like when he first fell through the Dark Void. After that, his conscious thoughts left him, and he continued falling in a dazed state. Eventually, a dim, blue light washed over his body and he was enveloped in it. Matt began to glow harshly with his new light and he began to slow. Finally, the world around him started to dissolve, revealing a faded, orange sky over a set of rolling hills. The lush, green grass was wet with dew, and a nearby jungle was chattering profusely. A nearby stone castle rose majestically over its grassy domain and cast a sleeping shadow over the dulled trainer.
After Matt’s body and mind had regained total functionality, he pulled himself off the ground, wiped off some of the dampness from his green attire, and headed to the castle. He had no idea where he was or whether he was back yet, but a castle meant people, so that was where he would start. As he treaded along, the grass became crisper from the rising sun and began to crunch energetically under his feet. Eventually, he got close enough to make out the details of the fortress. It has intricate patterns carved into the top stone, which appeared to be pretty early Columbian. Intrigued, Matt slowed down and began to examine it more closely. Had he found an early Columbian castle in the middle of the wilderness? That would be pretty hard to find where he lived, especially in this living condition. Matt also noticed that there were no roads for cars or even walking.
“Come on out, Goza,” Matt said as he quickly pulled out a Pokeball. The ball cracked open, materialized into his companion Whismur.
“Whiiismur!” it cried happily, but was quickly shushed by Matt. Whispering, he explained the events that his partner had missed and told him about his thoughts of this new place.
“So that’s it then. Here we are, at this old castle, even though it seems to be thriving with activity,” Matt told his friend. “I think that we are in a new dimension again, but this one is in medieval times.” The Whismur nodded in understanding and hopped up onto his trainer’s shoulder. He was still a little beaten up, but he couldn’t allow Matt to roam around unguarded, now could he? Together, the two head up towards the front of the large building. Their trek was cut short, however, by a large, iron gate. The two stared at it for a minute before they started looking through it for someone to let them in. The town was bustling with activity; food carts racing, peasants strolling and shopping, merchants calling out their goods. Yet, no one seemed to notice them. After nearly an hour trying to wave someone down, Matt and Goza were getting hungry. It had been a while since they had eaten, and most of the people had gone inside for breakfast. Frustrated, the two moved to the side of the gate and slid down the stone wall. The ground had finally dried up, so their seating was pleasant.
“Well, Goza, seems like we may have to wait a while to get in,” Matt told his companion. The Whismur nodded sadly, his stomach rumbling obnoxiously. They both let out a short sigh, only to be startled by a large clack. They looked up to see an old wooden wagon pulled by two fiery stallions come rolling towards them over the hill. Matt hadn’t noticed it before, but there was in fact a small, mulch path weaving in from the east, just wide enough for the two Ponyta pulling a carriage. Alarmed, Matt and Goza scrambled to hide behind a nearby lonesome bush. The cart came loudly and slowly up to the gate, where it finally pulled to a halt. The driver dug through his pocket roughly for a moment, and his hand reappeared with what seemed to be an intricate whistle. He blew through it for a moment and it emitted a melodious note that was almost too high for Matt to hear. Goza, on the other hand, was clenching his ears, wincing. Another note, lower this time, answered the first and was accompanied by the slow, grinding noise of the rising gate. Awestruck, the two almost forgot to race in with the wagon. They barely made it, too, as it slammed shut like a guillotine once the wagon was safely inside.
Breathing hard, Matt pulled Goza onto his shoulder and sprinted behind an old brick house. It was quiet, possibly deserted, and unnoticed by the townsfolk, who where beginning to come back out for their daily affairs. After catching his breath, Matt snuck in the front door and gently closed it behind him. Aside from the door’s slight squeak, he had made it in silently and unnoticed.
“Whismur, whiiis!” his companion reminded him. They still hadn’t eaten. Sighing again, Matt put down his bag by the door and went to explore the house. It had two dusty beds, a bathroom, and a kitchen. Joyful of his edible discovery, he ran over to the pantry and found…nothing. It was empty. The back of it even had a cobweb. Obviously, this house hadn’t been lived in for a while. Disappointed, Mat closed his eyes and sighed.
“Whismur?” the Pokemon asked as he sat on his trainer’s shoulder. What, no food?
“Arrghh!” Matt screamed, jumping nearly a foot, tripped, and almost fell over. Goza landed on his feet in the dirt, and thusly fell over. “Goza, don’t scare me like that!” Matt helped his laughing friend back on his shoulder and headed over to the front window. The people were bustling about again, filling the streets with the patter of feet and shrieks of small children. Matt noticed how strange their attire was compared to his.
Goza’s stomach growled again.
“Okay, okay. I’ll go get some food,” Matt soothed. He placed the little Whismur on a kitchen chair and headed into one of the bedrooms. The closet still had some large clothes in them, so Matt quickly changed into the frilly garb. They were a bit too big and baggy, but they fit. Matt also found a leather sack of small coins in his back pocket, possibly enough for some food. After fastening his belt, Matt headed outside into the crowd. No one seemed to give him a second look, so he headed towards the nearest food cart. It was filled to the brim with fruit, so Matt bought a couple of apples and put them in the now empty pouch. Pocketing it again, he headed back to the house.
“Whismur!” the bunny cried happily, and began to chow down on the fruit.
“Yeah, these are good,” Matt replied, and took his own bite. After the two finished their snack, they headed out to explore the town. This time, though, Goza stayed in his Pokeball. Matt had noticed that no one else had Pokemon with them, so Goza would have stuck out. After ten minutes of exploring, Matt heard a shout and some bustle of feet. Coming down the road to his right, he saw an old man being chased by a group of clumsy paladins. Alarmed, Matt pulled back and hid in a small assembly of people. They were all looking up at another red, brick house with wooden shingles and cracked windows. There, a man was forming a line and shouting out instructions.
“The rules are simple; you must find and defeat a wild Pokemon using one of the ones I am handing out,” the man said, twirling his thin mustache. “Then, tie them up, or capture them with something like a bucket, pot, etc. Bring them here, and I shall rate their worth!” He was handing out small keys, and the townspeople, who were all dressed like each other, were heading off towards a nearby stable to receive their battler.
“Whoa!” Matt whispered to himself as he looked down at his own clothing. He matched them as well, yet he could have sworn his clothes fit more loosely than now. Puzzled, he didn’t realize he was still in line, and eventually got pushed up to the front of the line. Matt watched as the friendly expression of the man quickly morphed into a malicious smile when his eyes fell on the trainer.
“I thought you might make it,” the dark haired man cackled quietly. “I may as well tell you, Matt. Unless you can capture a wild Pokemon with the one this key leads to, you will forever be trapped in this dimension.” He reached into his maroon pocket and pulled out a shiny, silver key with a flower pattern etched into the side. He handed it to Matt stared at him for a bit, and then moved on to his next customer.
Matt walked away, dumbstruck. How did the man know who he was? Was he the leader of this place, or a figure to keep him moving through the Polymer Caverns? Whatever the man was, he had told him how to escape. Staring blindly at the small key in his hand, walked up to the large shack. Accidentally, he bumped into another kid walking to the shack, swinging his key around as he whistled. The two fell to the ground hard, but the boy scrambled back to his feet, picked up his key as he apologized, and ran back to the shed. Shrugging off the dirt, Matt pulled himself, grabbed his own key, and strolled to the building, his hands in his pockets.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“No way,” Matt stated blatantly, staring at his chosen Pokemon. “There is no way it would be this easy.” The key had unlocked a large stone door. Behind it, was his newest Pokemon? Its horns curved back sharply, its black fur twinkling. The Houndoom stared at him arrogantly, as if in disbelief he was to be used by this total buffoon. Turning his head to the side, the dog stood up and strode over to Matt.
“This is supposed to be a challenge?” Matt questioned, almost disgusted. How could he not catch a Pokemon with this? Houndoom’s strength and skill was legendary, so all he had to do now was find something to catch. Shaking his head happily, he led the stuffy Pokemon out the door and left the town with the rest of the group. A balding man in front of him was waving merrily at his family; beside him, a Wigglytuff. A shorter lady behind him was marching along stiffly with a Prinplup, whom was waddling equally as stiffly. Others around him also headed off happily, and once they were outside the gate, headed off into different directions. Matt, not really sure where to go, walked along the wall he had followed earlier that day. He looked up, noticing that the intricate carvings looked familiar now, almost like he had seen them somewhere else.
Eventually, he came upon a muddy shack. The windows and roof were in bad shape, but it looked like the perfect place a wild Pokemon would live. Sure enough, as he got closer, he heard a wild shriek form the other side of the shack. The Houndoom took off around the building, with Matt in pursuit. Strangely, what he found was different than he expected. A dwarf sized ghost with gemstones for eyes was looking around angrily, as if trying to find its prey. The air was filed with a thick mist, though only in this one spot. Matt’s only assumption was that Sableye was battling a Pokemon that knows Mist, because the ghost was actually a bit worn out already. Before he could call out an attack, though, Houndoom was in motion. He fired of an intense blast of scorching flames. Sableye tried to jump away, but it was engulfed in the Flamethrower. The ghost screeched in agony, but backed off and fired a Shadow ball into the earth before Matt and Houndoom. It kicked up a large amount of dirt and mud, utterly blinding Matt. His boots were encased in mud, and his eyes were burning from the debris. Still rubbing is eyes angrily, Matt heard Sableye scream again; obviously Houndoom hadn’t been affected as much. When he finally looked again, Houndoom was throwing the Sableye violently to the ground after being sent flying with glowing hot fangs and a rapid onslaught of attacks from its claws. Sableye landed in the mud hard, knocking the wind out of it. Matt was impressed at the dog Pokemon’s power, but remembered he still had to catch it. Reaching deep into his backpack, he pulled out the rope that the strange man had given him and reached down to tie the ghost up. Still angry, Sableye bit down on his flesh, causing Matt to withdraw in pain. Frustrated, he held the imp sown with his muddy boot and proceeded to try again. Eventually, it stopped struggling, and lay quietly, surrendered.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“What do you mean, I failed!?” Matt cried. The man back in the town shook his head and shrugged. He had returned with the Houndoom and the Sableye, which he had now put in a Pokeball. May as well keep the Pokemon he caught and take it with him.
“Exactly that, you failed,” Mr. Mustache said nonchalantly. “Had you succeeded, you would have immediately warped back to the place where you fell into this dimension. Since you are still here, you must have failed.” Matt was utterly confused, but the logic made sense. Why would he still be here if it worked? Matt sat down in the wooden chair e had thrown back earlier when he stood up violently. He fiddled with the key in his hand, looking at it confused. After a second, his eyes widened. The key in his hand looked different from before. It still had a pattern carved in the side of it, but it looked peculiar.
“Would this have worked if I used a different key?” Matt asked, suspiciously.
“No. If you had used the wrong key, then you would have…” The man realized what he was saying. “You think you mixed up the key you were supposed to have?”
“Yeah, Now that you mention it…” Matt suddenly had a series of flashbacks. The first was of the castle wall, and how it had seemed familiar at that time. Matt understood why now. The walls were carved with the same pattern as the key Mr. Mustache had first given him. Bewildered, Matt looked at the key in his hand. It was different, but just slightly.
“This isn’t my key,” the boy said quietly, only just now realizing that his capture didn’t count because he used the wrong key. But if this was the wrong key, where was his? The next flashback ensued, revealing when he had bumped into the other boy and they had dropped their keys.
“Dang it, that kid has my key!” Matt said angrily. He had to get that key back.
“I’ll tell you what,” said Mr. Mustache. “I’ll help you out, even though it’s against my policy. The boy already came back and returned the Pokemon, so I’ll go get it for you.”
“Wow, really! Thanks, sir!” Matt sat quietly for a few moments in the chair and the man finally came out holding the actual key. Matt’s eyes had a poor time hiding his relief. It was time to get out of here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Matt was headed out into the forest this time. Grumbling angrily to himself, he looked down at the orange fish he was carrying. A Magikarp. He was supposed to use a Magikarp.
“To heck with all of these stupid people, giving me a lousy Magikarp to catch something with.” After walking for a few minutes, he finally came upon the dense, loud forest. Surely there were some Pokemon in here. Sure enough, he was blasted back with an enormous bolt of lightening before he could even enter. Matt stood up rubbing the newly gained bruise on his forehead as he looked down. Approaching him was a small, orange ball of fleece. The Mareep growled at him arrogantly, but waited for Matt to respond.
“Shoot, an electric type,” Matt replied disappointedly. Magikarp wouldn’t stand a chance. “Alright, Magikarp, use a Ta..Tack..le…” The fish was unconscious, laying in the grass with its eyes closed. Matt sighed harshly, disgusted that the fish was already out of commission. Normally, Matt would never try something as stupid as he did then, but he was pretty ticked.
Matt reached down, picked up the Magikarp by the tail, and proceeded to smack the Mareep with it. The sheep was being smacked around by a guy holding a fish. The hard scales of the passed out carp were causing some decent chunks of damage to the sheep, and when Matt finished his tantrum, Mareep was left with several welts, bruises, and a dazed expression. Not even bothering with the rope, Matt sucked the Mareep into the Pokeball and caught it.
06-03-2008, 05:50 PM
Chapter Seven: A Dodgy Situation
Almost immediately, Matt was surrounded by the same bluish light from before and was sucked out of the dimension. He rose higher and higher up through the infinite darkness and eventually was deposited into the now dry, barren tank. Surprisingly, he was back in his usual clothes and had all of his stuff with him. He even got to keep is Sableye and Mareep. Even more to his astonishment was the fact he had a Pokeball occupying his abused Magikarp. Interesting. Matt pulled himself up and brushed off his clothes as he glanced around the room. Plants had been ripped up, rocks overturned. The sand was almost completely gone, revealing the entire glass floor. The same darkness was below it like before, so Matt wasted no time rushing through the barred doorway onto solid ground.
Rubbing his neck and breathing heavily, he looked around at the hall again. Everything still smelled damp, but now the walls, ceiling and floor were plated with soft mahogany wood. A couple of torches lay inside iron rings that had been nailed in. The dancing fire cast playful shadows over the planks, dimly lighting his way. As Matt continued to climb the sloping hall, he started to wonder what the next challenge would be. So far, nothing had been easy and he was sure things weren’t going to change now. Right now, all he wanted to do was leave this strange dimension. Why had he even come here in the first place? Matt couldn’t remember.
A large thump on the forehead told him he had reached the door, albeit walked into it. Rubbing his newest bruise, he examined the intricately carved door. The doorknob was made of wood this time, but different from the mahogany in the walls and the cedar of the door. It was more of a birch, and it shed slightly between his fingers. He gently pulled the portal open and peered inside. It wasn’t lit, like last time, so he couldn’t make anything out, but a couple feet into the room he walked into something hard. Wincing from the bruise on his bruise, he closed the door behind him and waited for the lights to come on like they did last time, and sure enough, chunk by chunk, the whole room was filled with light. Squinting from the drastic change, he peered about the room. It was immensely vast and tall, almost as if it would go on forever in any direction. Occupying most of the ground and towering above him, a sea of thick pillars of mahogany reached up. None of them were the same height nor the same distance apart, but each had about a foot diameter at the top. Matt could tell form some of the shorter ones that the tops were flat and smooth like they had been sandpapered to perfection. He began to amble aimlessly through the carved forest, glancing about suspiciously for his next opponent.
“Is it I you seek?” a voice echoed through the room. It was soft and calm, but almost in a controlled way. Matt could tell the Pokemon was eager to fight.
“What?” Matt called back, his own voice echoing. “Who are you? Show yourself already!” Matt was determined to beat his opponent quickly so he could leave. But what Pokemon could he use? Everyone was dead tired; they wouldn’t stand much of a chance.
“Here, I’ll heal your team so you aren’t at a disadvantage,” the voice called again. Almost immediately, light shown diligently from the pockets he kept his mons in.
“Gaah!” Matt cried, jumping back. “How did you know…?” He trailed off as the idea sprung into his head. In his head was the key, because the Pokemon was talking to him psychically.
“Indeed, my name is Abra, the third guardian of the Polymer Caverns.” Suddenly, the small fox floated into the air from his right and perched itself on one of the wooden pillars.
“Fine then, I’ll choose Mareep. His special attacks will be perfect for reaching out in this terrain.” Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out a red and white sphere. He pushed the button in the center, releasing a beam of light that manifested into his sheep like Pokemon.
“Mareeep!” it cried, shaking its horns from side to side threateningly.
“The challenge here is one of prediction.” Without any further explanation, Abra vanished from the spot, re-appearing a couple of poles off to the right.
“Mareep, use a Power Gem!” Matt commanded. The sheep dug its feet in and created the image of a glowing stone above its head. With a cry, Mareep released it and the massive magical gemstone was launched through the air and crashed into the top of the pole Abra was on. Unfortunately, Abra simply Teleported away and landed on another pole, this time to the right of Matt.
“Try a Thundershock!” Matt cried, shocked at the opponents speed. This time, Mareep shook its fleece angrily, releasing a short burst of energy. The lightning sliced through the air only to miss the Teleporting Abra. Instead of appearing on a pole this time though, the psychic type materialized behind Mareep and tossed it with a flaming punch. Mareep hit one of the poles a couple meters away and yelped in pain, sliding slowly down to the dirt floor.
“You okay, Mareep?” Matt called, concerned. The sheep hopped back up angrily and fired off another bolt of lightning at Abra, but Abra Teleported onto another pillar. Mareep did his twice more, but Abra came up behind it again, this time with an Ice Punch. Shivering, Mareep Ran over to Matt and waited for a command. Matt had noticed something while Mareep was attacking wildly, but he had to test it.
“Mareep, use Power Gem.” Abra dodged the gemstone with ease like before and Teleported onto another pole to the right. “Use another,” Matt called. The same thing happened as before, this time to the left. The third time, Abra would come up behind Mareep and hit it again, but Matt was counting on it. “Mareep, use Charge.” This time, Mareep rubbed the fleece together and built up extra static. Abra hadn’t expected a non offensive move and instinctively Teleported. “Okay Mareep, Discharge!” Matt cried happily. The fox appeared behind Mareep, but Mareep was ready. It launched a pumped up pulse of electricity around itself, launching Abra into a stake.
“It appears you have seen through my strategy,” the Abra groaned. “I’ll have to change it up a bit.” It stood up and prepared for the next attack.
“Okay Mareep, Signal Beam.” Mareep opened its mouth as wide as possible and launched a strobe light of concentrated colors. Abra attempted to Teleport, but his body was suddenly jolted by some sort of aftershock. The Paralyzing slowed his movements, and he took a direct hit in the stomach from the Signal Beam. Coughing, Abra Teleported onto a pillar, but he had a strange look in his eyes. Suddenly, he fell off the pillar and landed on the ground in a puff of dirt. He began thrashing in his Confusion, and actually ended up punching himself in the face with a Fire Punch.
“Use one last Power Gem, Mareep.” Matt said, satisfied with his victory. Mareep chucked a particularly large gem at the Abra and pounded him into the dirt. As the dust cleared, Matt gasped. Underneath the unconscious was another Pokemon. It had large, mouse like ears and a star on its tail. Its blue and black fur was matted, and it was glaring at him angrily. The Shinx must have been running through when it was hit by and Abra and then a Power Gem.
"Shinx!” it shrieked viciously at the bewildered trainer and released a focused beam of energy. Matt ducked as the Charge Beam blazed over his head and scorched a pillar.
"Mareep, use a Signal Beam," the boy cried. The sheep fired off the rainbow laser in the direction of the small Pokemon, but was dodged by some quick footwork. Almost instantly, the small sheep unleashed another blast, and this one connected. Shinx cried out in pain, but it dug its heels into the dirt and skidded to a halt.
"Shin shinx!" it roared again. This time, the flash Pokemon disappeared from sight and began jumping around the room, hiding behind the columns. The Quick Attack baffled the fleecy mon, leaving it open for a hit. Shinx came up behind it and tossed Mareep with frozen fangs. Mareep stood up shakily, but Shinx was already gone again. Suddenly, the small mouse dropped from above the Mareep.
"Okay, now you can use one last Power Gem,” Matt said tiredly. Mareep knocked out the Shinx before it even hit the floor. Sighing heavily, Matt sucked the psychic and the dog like mouse into spare Pokeballs. They shook vigorously in his hands, and Matt counted the shakes with held breath. One, two…One, two…
06-17-2008, 01:52 AM
Heh, good thing I graded both the stories that went on into this one, huh? xD
Introduction: Better this time. You described Matt over again, and told us what had happened so far, so that, even if I hadn't already read the first two parts, I would have understood what was going on pretty well. You were also sure to restate the setting, so that anyone reading knew exactly where he was, and the interesting fact that he was underwater. Aside from that, there's not much else to look for in this particular section, since this isn't the first part of the story, so I'll pass you on it.
Plot: I liked it a lot, honestly. Of course, I like the overall plot of the story; I've already told you that, though. I also liked the additional part, with Matt going to your medieval world from your Sableye story, and that, in fact, he was the person who caught the Sableye! A nice twist, though I'm about the only grader who would have caught it. xD In any case, I'm impressed in that respect. The battle with the Mareep was funny, as well. Whacking it over the head with the KO'd Magikarp, you would have thought it would hold a grudge!
Though, in that particular part, there was a place I felt was a bit of a plot hole. Namely, Mr. Mustache. How did he know Matt's name, as well as his predicament? It seems a bit fishy to me (yes, pun intended, I know it's horrible), and something that I think you should address in later installments. I really suggest bringing him back in later, and explaining how exactly he knew what he knew and why.
The rest of the story was good as well. You made the battle with the Guardian interesting, as the last couple have been. Honestly, I don't see much wrong with this plot. The only thing that could have been was the part where he goes into the other dimension, because it seems slightly random, but if you do bring in Mr. Mustache later, I think it'll be okay.
Grammar: Some mistakes here to watch out for. It looks like you used Spell Check, but be sure to read over it yourself, too. These mistakes are the kinds Spell Check doesn't pick up.
It was swaying violently, but the sheer size of it kept it form being uprooted.
'Form' should be 'from'.
Eventually, a dim, blue light washed over his body and he was enveloped in it.
There should be a comma after 'body' to make this a proper compound sentence.
It has intricate patterns carved into the top stone, which appeared to be pretty early Columbian.
'Has' should be 'had'.
Together, the two head up towards the front of the large building.
'Head' should be 'headed'.
Matt sat down in the wooden chair e had thrown back earlier when he stood up violently.
E should be 'he'.
“Yeah, Now that you mention it…”
The N on 'now' shouldn't be capitalized.
He even got to keep is Sableye and Mareep.
'Is' should be 'his'.
Matt could tell form some of the shorter ones that the tops were flat and smooth like they had been sandpapered to perfection.
'Form' should be 'from'.
Matt cried, shocked at the opponents speed.
There should be an apostrophe before the S in 'opponents' to show ownership.
Shivering, Mareep Ran over to Matt and waited for a command.
'Ran' shouldn't be capitalized.
Length: Meh, you're fine. A bit more would have been nice, though. You're getting to the stage that you could shoot for over the max if you wanted.
Detail/Description: Good job here, I must say. You've still got good description. Again, everything was nice and clear and concise, to a point. The setting was always well described, but I'm beginning to see that the characters are lacking a bit. Try putting more into not only the descriptions of the people, like those Matt saw in the medieval village, like exactly what they wore, ect., but also the Pokemon. You gave us Shinx, I'll give you that, and Sableye, but Mareep and Abra seemed a bit lacking. Be sure to go into as great a detail as you can, to make everything as realistic as possible. It keeps things vivid and exact, and really paints the picture for the readers. I'd still like to see more descriptive words, too. A good online thesaurus is www.m-w.com, so use it to look up alternatives to some of the more dull words, like 'chunk'. A thesaurus is an important tool for a writer, and can help us say exactly what we mean.
Battle: Not bad here, either. The battle with the Abra was definitely two-sided. I really liked how you made good use of Abra's one natural move, Teleport, and really used it to keep the battle going and give the Abra the upper hand. The way Matt won the battle was pretty original, too, working out the pattern in the teleportation. It seemed towards the end that Abra got the short end of the stick, getting both paralysis and confusion, but considering the advantage it had before, it's probably okay. The attack description was pretty good as well, though I would have liked to see exactly what the teleport looked like. Did Abra just blink away, did he glow for a minute, did he leave an after image? Make sure to include all that stuff.
However, for the Shinx, there was virtually no battle. Oops, it got hit with the Abra and a stray Power Gem, hit it again, it's out. It didn't even get in an attack. I understand you not wanting to spend the time on it, after all you've written so far, but you really need to if you want the Pokemon. It just seemed a lot like an after thought added on for the heck of it. Be sure to always get a good, two-sided battle for every Pokemon you catch, regardless of how important it is.
Outcome: Abra Captured, and Shinx Not Captured! As I said, there was just no battle for it. Gimme a battle, and I'll give you the cat. I know you can do it, and that you're capable. That, plus the fact that you're an experianced writer now, is exactly why I'm going hard on you. You really need a good battle for every Pokemon you want to catch, even if everything else is pretty well perfect. Just drop me another PM when you're done, and I'll be happy to regrade.
EDIT: Thank you, much better with the bit of extra battle in there. Shinx Captured! Though I think it's a cat. =P Kidding, you can call it what you want. Enjoy it, anyway!
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