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Jesus of Magikarps
02-18-2008, 02:23 AM
John the Fisherman

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[[ I found inspiration for this story in the song "John the Fisherman (http://youtube.com/watch?v=y1l4XB4Y1E4&feature=related)" ]]
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Chapter 1
The First Catch

John was a boy who lived inside his head. All that mattered to him was the water. He could not stand to go a day away from it. When he was on the waters all of his troubles seemed to just drift away into beautiful sapphire nothingness. John did not care much about what others thought. Messy brown hair covered most of his face, and old ripped-up overalls were his usual attire. He did not do well in school, nor did he do well in making relationships with others. That did not matter to him. He found peace in fishing; he found peace in the water.

"You ready to go, Mudkip?", said the young lad as he looked down at the little mud-fish Pokémon.

"Yes!", replied Mudkip jubilantly.

A talking Pokémon may come as a surprise to some, but to John it was a normal thing. Apparently, when a Pokémon and a trainer have bonded together enough, the Pokémon can actually communicate with it's trainer occasionally. John learned this recently from Dr. Phil, his towns Pokémon professor. Although it is a very rare thing for a Pokémon to speak, John did not let anyone know. He did not want people to take interest in him just because of his Mudkip...

The two fishermen walked out of the old wooden doors of their log cabin. Dark gray clouds covered most of the sky, and a cold air blew numbingly into John's face. They did not mind the weather though. They just loved going fishing, and that's all that mattered. After a short bit of walking, the two fishers reached the small wooden boat on which they had spent so many days sailing. John pulled his foot out of the muddy ground and stepped carefully into the boat. The little blue mud-fish hopped in right along side John.

"Well Mudkip, looks like we're ready to go!", said John as he untied the boat from the dock.

The boat slowly began to drift along the rough surface of the water. John and Mudkip stared out over the edge of the boat for a moment, just gazing out upon the vast blue lake. Everything just seemed so insignificant as John closed his eyes and thought to himself he were a Wingull, just soaring about the lake wherever the wind may take him.

"CLUNK!"

"What!? What was that?", shouted John as his eyes shot open.

Something had slammed hard into the bottom end of the boat. The sheer force of the blow had almost sent John and Mudkip tumbling off the side of the boat. Once they had both calmed down from the attack, they decided they must take action to see what was going on.

"Don't worry John, I'll go check it out!", said Mudkip as he pushed himself into the water with his powerful webbed feet.

John looked out into the water for a sign of Mudkip or whatever had attacked the boat. Suddenly, a large golden fish with reddish fins leaped into the air!

"Was that... a Magikarp?", thought John to himself.

He was confused as to what it could be, since usually Magikarp's are more of a crimson color.

Just as the golden fish splashed through the surface of the water, Mudkip leaped out of the water after it. The two Pokémon were close enough to the surface now that John could see them. He saw Mudkip swim at high speeds towards the speedy, golden fish. The two swimmers chased each other around the boat, then Mudkip slammed into the golden fish with a Take Down attack. The fish was knocked out of the water and was sent plummeting into the ground of a sandbar. Mudkip swam towards the small area of land where the fish had landed and then proceeded to throw large amounts of mud onto the fish.

"Haha, I is owning that nub with Mud Slap!" said Mudkip merrily as he covered the golden fish in mud.

Suddenly, the fish began flopping about frantically. It was flailing around so hard that it freed itself from its muddy chamber! The fish slammed its tail down with monstrous power into the muddy ground, and was sent flying into the air.
It positioned itself, then before it landed it swung its tail around and slapped Mudkip hard in the face.

"Owww, that really hurt!", shouted Mudkip in pain as he rubbed his face with his webbed paw. "That fish is going down!"

Mudkip charged as fast as its little legs could carry it towards the golden fish. Just as Mudkip was about to attack, the hardy fish flailed itself towards Mudkip. Mudkip winced in pain as the fishes pointy fins lashed at him. Then Mudkip noticed something; the force of the attack had coated the golden fish in mud!

"Now is your chance, Mudkip! Get that fish!", called John encouragingly.

Mudkip tilted its head back and opened its mouth. A blast of water came out of it's mouth and sprayed forcefully into the fishes side. Before the golden fish could even attempt to get up, Mudkip had began charging towards it. It lowered its head and plowed into the limp body of the fish. The force of the attack was to much for the fish to handle. It lay in the pile of mud, motionless.

"Yeah Mudkip, we did it!", shouted John joyfully as he reached into his bag.

He grabbed a shiny red Pokéball and tossed it down towards the injured fish. A stream of red light flowed from the open ball, and the golden fish was sucked in. The ball wiggled once, twice...

Desired Pokémon: Magikarp
Difficulty Level: Easy
Character Count: 5,500
[[ I have booked a grader ]]

The Jr Trainer
02-18-2008, 02:38 AM
Plot/Story:
This was a simple plot, as most are for Magikarp. It was creative at the same time though. Which is a good thing obviously. I couldn’t really ask for more than you put in it; but remember, when writing for higher level Pokemon make the plot, and story itself more complex. Something as easy as the trainer slipping into the lake could make a story better, but for a Magikarp, and this story along, this plot was good enough.

It flowed smoothly, though as just going through a small scene pretty much it has to flow nice and easy. Make sure for longer stories, though, that the plot just isn’t flying everywhere and that everything makes sense and what not, you can’t just have random things happen, everything that you put into a story has to go with the feel, and the plot of the story; without that it will be nuts. D:

Introduction:
This was nice. You told me everything that you needed to tell me, I could see what the characters looked like and where they were placed. Don’t forget you can add more on to make it all the more vivid and fun to read. The more description of the characters the better I’d say! :D Don't forget to talk about the surroundings though, they're just as important as the characters, without a vivid picture of the surrounding area the rest of the story may not flow nicely. Sometimes it seems that the story doesn't make sense then, but you described them well enough. ^^;

Grammar/Spelling:
This was good. Nothing really major to point out except one thing that I saw that wasn’t correct that you’d been using over and over, and I got annoyed by it. xD :x

"What!? What was that?", shouted John as his eyes shot open
The comma after the quotation mark isn’t needed. D: The only time you need a comma by quotation marks is if you aren’t using ellipses, exclamation, or question marks.

And another thing, I don't know if it was just a typo or not but...

The force of the attack was to much for the fish to handle
"Too" should be "too."

Nothing else major, as I said before.

Length:
Um, I don’t think there is really a need for this section for a Magikarp story. D:

Detail:
This was good for a Magikarp story as the rest of your story was. It was almost over the expectations of what I’d think of for a Magikarp story. This really put the story into zoom and made me able to focus on it though, sometimes Magikarp stories are quite boring to read, and they make my eyes burn and whatnot. But this was good and I’m happy that you put effort into it for just the little fishy.

Don't forget to add in detail of every part of the story, not just the people and the Pokemon. But the surroundings and the emotions/feelings of everything. Things have taste/feel/emotion don't they? They're just not sticks of lifelessness. D: Make sure you describe anything that can be described, other than that keep up the good work on this part of the story as it can help a story and keep it's potential.

Battle:
I liked it. You made it two sided enough for the Karp, sometimes people just make Magikarp get the crap ripped out of it. Though, this was a bit too game-boy like. D: Make sure you make the battle like an anime battle, the Pokemon don’t take turns, they just charge at each other like crazy and bash each other, etc, etc. :P Other than that, I liked this it was good length for the small fish, and it seemed to fit. Some battles don't seem to make sense, since Karp just get's about eaten alive... not literally of course. :x

Final Outcome:
Beside the shortness of my grade this was all good, kudos do you, you get the Magikarp. :P

Magikarp captured!!