View Full Version : Team Galactic's Little Cowardly Misfit

02-19-2008, 09:13 PM
~Jackson got it :O Thanks a bundle, my young little English boi :3~

Pokemon: Zubat, Shroomish
Characters Needed: 5-10k, 10-20k = 15-30k
Characters: 26,282 (W/o Spaces)


Han balanced himself on the branch that moaned out in protest beneath his scuffed sneakers. He held onto the jagged bark uneasily, shifting his weight to and fro between each foot as he looked down in fright at the ground that seemed to spin beneath him below. His knuckles turned white as he clenched the side of the tree fretfully, shaking his head briskly to shake his long bangs out of his dark brown eyes. His own brunette hair was a moderate length for a boy his age, being eleven his hair just barely brushed his shoulders and his bangs often hung down limply over his face.

Something leafy green shot past with breathtaking speed, as Han gasped and forced himself against the tree trunk, wrapping his arms around it tightly as he heard the undeniable, abrasive chuckling of his Scyther nearby. He scoffed openly, pushing himself from the tree as he regained his balance.

“Scyther!” Han barked, scanning for the mantis Pokemon through the lush branches of the forest’s trees, “Scyther, that is not even remotely funny! You are so dead meat!”

The coarse hissing of Scyther’s laughter rang through the trees like an ominous spirit, as Han narrowed his eyes angrily while continuing to peer through the trees. He blinked and grinned mischievously as he slung his backpack off his back, and steadily balanced himself into a sitting position, placing the backpack in front of him.

Han dove his hands deep into the backpack, straining his ears for the nearly silent rustling of his Scyther prowling through the branches with stealthy footsteps. Han had his own ways of becoming as stealthy as his Scyther in the forest. It was really the only attribute that he had that helped him get into Team Galactic.

Han grinned to himself at his own feat. He had been a part of Team Galactic for a year now, and he was proud. He’d successfully pulled all of the right strings and snipped all of the correct wires to get his way into Team Galactic as he had. It was definitely quite the topic to boast about, being eleven years old and an honored Team Galactic member.

Something cold and metallic grazed Han’s fingers as his hands writhed curiously in his bag, he blinked in satisfactory acknowledgment as he grasped his fingers around the device, pulling it from his bag and smiling triumphantly down at the sheen silver surface of the glasses that now lay folded in his hands.

Han stood himself up, pulling his backpack across his shoulder as he slipped the glasses over his eyes, fiddling with the small dial on the right side of the frame. He looked up, everything looked sharp and crystal clear, as if he had perfect vision. The corners of Han’s lips twitched slightly as he irritably placed his index finger over the miniscule dial and began to slowly turn it in a counter-clockwise direction.

Everything faded into bright, cool colors. The would-be emerald leaves now faded to a soft baby blue color, and the tree trunks became a settle indigo. Sighing contently, Han scanned the forest until he found a fiery-red imprint huddled behind two, long dark masses that would have been tree trunks. Han studied the figure silently for a moment, seeing long, white-yellow scythes jut out as the being took several cautious steps across a branch, leaping with astonishing stealth to a nearby tree. White-yellow wings fluttered restlessly on its back as it regained its balance. Han smiled devilishly, it was his Scyther, drawing closer for another fright.

Keeping his gaze locked onto the Scyther, Han reached down to his belt and clasped the ruby red and white Pokeball in his hands, licking his lips nervously. Han stepped forward, holding his breath as he heard the leaves rustle beneath his feet. He slowly rose his arm high, gently prodding the button of the Pokeball with his thumb to make it larger and able to recall the praying mantis.

Han spotted Scyther in the open, swiftly changing the dial of his glasses to normal mode, and hurtled the Pokeball straight for the green Pokemon, who was soon enveloped in a bright scarlet light. The Pokeball seemed to hang in mid-air for a brief millisecond, then rebounded back into Han’s open hand, clenching his fist down on the Pokeball as he stowed it in its clip along his belt.

“Grovyle aren’t as mischievous,” a soft voice commented from behind, “their temperament is loved by many, so they’re a popular choice as a starter Pokemon in Hoenn.”

Han gasped, stretching his hands outward as he took a step back, turning around, and slipped on the tree branch. He felt as if he were falling backwards in slow motion, his arms flailing as he felt his heart drum deep in his chest wildly.

With a vice-like grip, a soft, porcelain-like hand shot forward, gripping around his wrist and pulling him forward. Han gained balance on the branch, and looked into the face of his rescuer, then felt a wild array of mixed emotions well inside him. Fear, panic, anger, and one of the strongest emotions of all, compassion.

“Tsuki? What are you doing here?” Han asked the girl. She smiled, pulling her cherry pink lips back into a warm smile, her green eyes twinkling with mild mischief.

“Well,” she said, raising her hand up to pull a white-blonde lock of curly hair from her face, “I’m working.”

Han nodded blankly, looking down to see that she must have really been on duty, she sported the formal white-and-black uniform that Team Galactic members wore while on mission, or training, and her belt was lined with six Pokeballs, and a knapsack hung over her left shoulder.

“You look like you’ve been working hard,” she commented with a broad grin, eyeing his scrapes and scratches that lined his skin.

“Yeah, well,” Han said, nervously raising his arm up to push his bangs from his eyes, “work hard and gain more, I guess…”

Tsuki cocked her head teasingly, shaking her head with a smile, “You just made that up,” she stated. “Whatever, I have to go to Valley Windworks today.”

Han furrowed his brow curiously, taken aback, “Valley Windworks?” he repeated, “What does Team Galactic want to do there?”

“Something with Drifloon or Drifblim. I don’t know, really, I just need to get as many missions in as possible at this point.” Tsuki shrugged nonchalantly. She flinched every so slightly as a ping went off from deep within her bag somewhere, and she wordlessly pulled out what looked like a black-and-white PDA.

“Uh-oh,” she muttered, “looks like I have to go, looks like a gang of officials are waiting for us outside Eterna Forest’s exits.” She grinned, and looked up at Han, “Looks like I’m off, I’ll see you later.”

Tsuki skillfully planted her foot firmly on the tree branch, and kicked off, clinging to a nearby branch as she made her way throughout the dense forest, clinging to the trees and pulling herself about. Han stared after her for a moment, admiring her poise in the midst of the forest opposed to his own clumsy self.

Once she gave one last swing out of sight, Han sighed as he took a step forward on the branch, looking up. A rather feeble branch hung about a foot above him, and several inches above that drooped a large branch enough for him to stand comfortably on without any fear of falling.

Han reached up, the dry bark felt prickly against his calloused hands as he flexed his arms’ muscles, grunting as he pulled himself up. His legs flailed out underneath him, as he tried to get his sneakers to grip at the tree’s trunk. He paused for a moment, hanging limply from the tree as he strained his ears against the suffocating silence of the forest around him.

Something drummed lazily in the distance, furrowing his brow curiously, Han pulled himself higher onto the branch he had grabbed, making his way to the larger branch ahead, where he stood with his feet planted firmly on the gnarly bark beneath his feet. He peered through a gap in the leaves overhead, scanning for any branches to get higher up.

Groaning inwardly, Han pulled out a Great Ball, and thrust it in the air. Red light poured out against the side of the tree, and as the light faded and the Great Ball recoiled back into Han’s hand, his Ariados was revealed.

Ariados’ brightly colored body stood out boldly against the trees, and its gold and lavender legs twitched rhythmically as its blood red abdomen quivered with excitement. The horn on the forehead of the spider Pokemon glinted in the sunlight, and its mouth gaped threateningly. Its dark eyes shimmered in the sunlight as it looked about, taking in the forest setting.

“Ariados,” Han commanded, approaching the Pokemon confidently, “Ariados, can you get higher up, and spin a web for me to climb? I need to get as high up as possible, preferably over the canopy.”

Ariados clicked its mouth together in acknowledgment, as it swiftly turned around, and rushed up the tree, spinning silky fibers that continued to cascade down and overlap one another like a thick rope. Han watched as the spider Pokemon continued its ascent, and once the long, silky rope began to sit still with the exception of the slight breeze, Han grasped the slick surface tightly, and then reached up to grasp the web above his head.

Han grunted as he heaved himself up, feeling the slightest give in the web rope as Ariados adjusted to his weight just above. Han pushed his feet from the tree, and continued to climb, his head brushing uncomfortably against the thick layers of leaves overhead. He gasped as his sweaty palms slid from the silky spider web rope, making him fall several feet until he clutched the stringy web once again.

“Ariados,” he called out, leaning his head back to look upwards, “can you try to pull the web upwards while I climb?”

By now Han had to raise his voice over the drumming sound, which had grown louder and closer. There was a slight quiver in the web, and Han felt himself being slowly pulled upward as he continued to push himself up in his ascent to the canopy of the forest. After several moments, Han felt his head break through a dense layer of leaves like one who would resurface from their jump in a lake, sputtering and shaking their head wildly.

Ariados retracted its thick, silky web, flitting across the canopy of the forest skillfully, its menacing markings bright against the hot sun. Opposed to the cool shade of the forest, Han felt uncomfortably hot in the midday’s sun. He pulled off his jacket and stowed it in his bag, taking a deep breath.

Han narrowed his eyes suspiciously, as he turned around, hearing the now deafening drumming sound. Han gasped, then yelped out in sheer terror and fear as he set his eyes on the extraordinarily large helicopter that was hurtling right for him. Han lifted his arms up over his head as a torrent of leaves pelted him from the chopper’s powerful blades that sliced at the air. It slowed down, still deafeningly loud as it hovered over him. Han looked into the windshield of the chopper, and could just barely make out the silhouettes of people leering down at him curiously, probably wondering what an eleven-year old boy was doing in the canopy of Eterna Forest with an Ariados.

The helicopter drew closer, its looming size threatening as it blocked out the sun, and the great gusts from the helicopter tore at Han’s clothes, pushing him down. His foot lost balance on the branch he had been standing on, and he plummeted downwards, his body whipped at violently by the branches beneath, and leaves pelted his body as he continued his descent. The back of his head came into a breathtakingly painful collision with a branch, knocking him out into unconsciousness.

02-19-2008, 09:14 PM
Han took a deep breath; the air was pure, crisp and clean like mountain air. There was a soft, rhythmic breathing beside him, and Han suddenly woke with a start, his dark eyes wide, straining to drink in the sights around him in the dark room he lay in. Han propped himself up on his elbows, and jumped as his hand rested on something velvety.

A light flickered on, and Han recoiled, jumping from where he lay as he looked into the dark burgundy eyes of a creamy tan Pokemon. The Pokemon had wide, dark eyes and sprouts of leaves curled around its legs, chest, and neck, and a large leaf protruded from its forehead, and rounded off its ears. Its long, large tail flicked and rustled as a leaf would on a windy autumn day. Han looked into the eyes of the Leafeon, who looked back at him serenely.

“Are you all right?” A voice demanded from behind, Han jumped up and looked into the face of a beautiful young woman. She had dark brunette hair and darker eyes, her skin was tanned and weathered, from many hours that she appeared to be in the sun. She wore simple, hand-made tattered clothing, and carried a wicker basket in her arms. Several sprouts of herbs and leaves could be seen hanging limply over the basket, as the Leafeon rose to its feet, walking towards the woman.

She smiled feebly, as she turned to a nearby oak table without waiting for his response. Trailing after her sauntered a bulky Meganium, and a cunning-looking Shiftry who made its way to a dark corner of the room, where it sat down with a slump, slowly whistling a low tune.

“Shiftry,” the girl warned, never marring her warm mask, “try not to do that while we have a guest,” she stated, nodding her head slowly to Han.

Han silently thanked her, just as Shiftry had started its low tune, Han felt a sudden wave of grief wash over him, dreadful and rather depressing. The Shiftry gave one last, long whistle before it fell into silence, staring menacingly at Han.

Han shuddered at the Wily Pokemon, turning away to look at the girl, he opened his mouth quickly, then shut it nervously. After a moment, he finally asked, “Where exactly… am I? Who are you if you don’t mind me asking, as well.”

The girl gave one soft giggle, and turned to him. “I apologize,” she said serenely, placing her dark hands on her lap, “I guess I should tell you all of the who’s, what’s, where’s, and all of that information, shouldn’t I?”

Han sat silently for a moment, then nodded slowly.

She smiled more, then stood up from where she sat, and made her way to sit down cross-legged, across from Han. She kept her hands in her lap, her eyes twinkling in the darkness of the small single-roomed hut. She adjusted her legs until she was comfortable, and with a sweep of her hair, she stared at Han intensely.

“You see,” she began simply, taking a deep breath, “I’m a healer. I work with aromatherapy and curing people or Pokemon naturally, not with any of that artificial vitamin junk,” she shook her head with disgust.

“My name is Ani, short and easy, right? Well, I work with medicine - natural medicine, mind you - and I live here in Eterna Forest. I’ve been collecting herbs and plants for many years now, and just recently, I’ve heard of Team Galactic stampeding around here, uprooting trees and precious herbs in obscene amounts, not wanting to break their backs and pluck the berries and such on their own. They’d rather have their machinery do everything for them.”

Han gulped nervously. He was part of the Team Galactic Unit that was doing exactly as Ani was describing to him. That’s why he’d been out today, to uproot and tear away as many branches as possible for the perfect drug that Team Galactic was working on that would super power any Pokemon in all of its stats.

Han took a slow breath, “That’s awful,” he said, twisting his face and pulling at his vocal cords to make him sound sincerely astonished, and even disgusted to a point.

Ani frowned at him, her dark eyes no longer held their twinkle, and she looked disappointed. She stood up, walked over to the table she had been sitting at, and grabbed a small leathery black backpack - Han’s backpack. She walked over to him again, and setting herself down on her knees, she unzipped it, turned it over, and spilled all of Han’s equipment on the wooden planked floors.

Han sat silenced for a minute, looking at all of his equipment, his Pokeballs, all of the Team Galactic branded technology, and his uniform which had been folded into a wrinkly ball. Ani picked up his identification card, glanced at it, and flung it at him as one may do to a card in a hat.

“Don’t lie to me, Han.” Ani hissed, anger flaring in her eyes. “I know you’re a part of Team Galactic. That’s why you were in the canopy, you were uprooting the plants!”

Han flinched; bull’s eye. Han lowered his gaze to his belongings on the floor, he didn’t dare meet Ani’s hateful glare. He looked over his Pokeballs: Scyther, Ariados… Torkoal…

Han looked up into Ani’s dark, menacing glare. He positioned his hand, and felt his forehead bead with nervous sweat as he caught the forewarning in Shiftry’s devilish eyes. The Pokemon screeched out as Han lunged for Torkoal’s Pokeball, he thrust it at the ground, screaming as the tortoise-like Pokemon appeared in a gust of smoke.

“Smokescreen!” Han demanded, grabbing his items and ripping his bag from Ani’s tight grasp. He quickly stowed everything in his bag, his lungs and eyes watering as thick, iron gray smoke filled the room. A soft whoosh filled the room as Torkoal emitted another thick cloud of smoke. Han grabbed his last Pokeball, then grabbed the Torkoal, and ran outside, coughing so hard his lungs racked with pain and he doubled over on his knee, weak from the day’s previous ascent.

“Han!” Ani screamed, stumbling out of her hut with Leafeon in her arms. Meganium soon stumbled out afterwards, as Shiftry was the last to back out, waving its arms as it blew the smoke from the home with lightning-fast speed. “Han, I saved your life you ungrateful heathen! My Venusaur caught you with its Vine Whip! This is how you repay me? You Team Galactic cretins are going to pay for this, Han! Mark my words!”

Gasping for breath, Han recalled the heavy Torkoal, his lungs searing painfully as he threw himself forward, his legs aching in protest as he sprinted onward, away from Ani’s threatening remarks and screams.


Han stared into the firelight lazily, his mind restlessly going over the day’s events. His mission, Tsuki’s visit, the helicopter, Ani… Han leaned back against the log he was leaning against, Scyther was at his side, picking holes in the ground and slicing through roots in the earth.

Ariados was nearby, spindling a large web behind Han, he’d occasionally turn around to marvel in the work in progress. It had become so thick and dense that it was just a white sheet of silky fibers in the forest. Ariados worked over, he probably wants to make the camp more secluded, Han figured.

Han sighed, drifting off into a near sleep, his eyelids drooping, Han leaned back to get more comfortable, and that was when the shriek of Scyther and the ripping of Ariados’ web woke him up.

Han turned around, staring with wide eyes as he saw blades ripping through the spindled web, and vines lunging out like whips, ripping it to shreds. Ariados had his backside turned to the perpetrator, spinning webs at a lighting-fast pace as Scyther lunged for the attacker.

Han stood to his feet, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder as he stood behind the fire, seeing another Scyther rip through the web at last, and lunge for Han’s own Scyther. It brought its blade hard down on Scyther’s abdomen, attacking Hans’ Scyther with astonishing speed.

After a moment, a Venusaur came crashing into the camp, fragments of Ariados’ web clinging to the great green Pokemon like the wisps of a ghost. Countless vines protruded from the monstrous flower on its back, all of the stretching out, lashing about the camp like a grisly beast unleashing profound energy.

Han ran, finding cover behind a nearby tree as a vine was brought down on the ground threateningly close nearby. The Venusaur stampeded into the center of the camp, trampling over the fire, unaffected by its brute strength. Its blood red eyes darted about menacingly, as the vines continued to lash, striking Ariados and the two Scyther.

“Strike!” A voice rang out in the midst of the battle, “Go for the throat, you fiend! Vine, find that Han. We can’t have him going back to Team Galactic,”

Han felt a stake of fear being driven deep into his heart. He groaned, it was Ani. She’d wanted vengeance for what he did. He had to flee. He just had to flee, now. Han dove his hand deep into his bag, pulling out Scyther and Ariados’ Pokeballs. Taking a deep breath, he thrust them both aimlessly behind the tree, starting forward as they rebounded back into his hand, where he sprang forward, the wind deafening his hearing as he crashed through the undergrowth, only faintly aware of the shouting and trampling of the Venusaur behind him.

Han tried to think, she had about five Pokemon that he knew of. He couldn’t run forever, especially not with a Scyther at her disposal. He needed more Pokemon, allies. Han had to fight back, he just had to; he couldn’t run any longer.

Stopping at a screeching halt, Han reached for vacant Pokeballs in his bag. He looked around, Pokemon were everywhere. At this point, it didn’t matter what he caught, as long as he had backup against this fiendish woman.

Han scanned nervously, then felt a burst of joy well up deep inside him as he spotted several dark indigo forms huddled against a branch. Zubat… he thought slyly to himself. He pulled for Ariados’ Pokeball, and thrust it in the air. A crimson shaft bolted down to the ground, and as soon as Ariados was free, it flitted about nervously, still shaken up from the Scyther and Venusaur’s ambush. It spotted the brief serenity of the forest, and relaxed slightly.

Without hesitating, Han thrust his fist up at the Zubat, “Ariados,” he shouted, “Spider Web!”

Ariados shot back with its backside to the Zubat within a matter of seconds. Long, thick spindled fibers shot forth, entangling one of the Zubat, who spread its wings in flight. The small cluster of them had taken off, irritable at being disturbed. The Zubat that Ariados has entangled in its web screeched out, flitting back and forth. It gaped its mouth at Ariados, locating it in the darkness, then after a moment, shot downwards, striking Ariados’ abdomen with its wing.

Ariados skidded backwards from the impact, as well as the fact that the Wing Attack had been super effective. Shuddering painfully, Ariados held its grasp on the Zubat. “Sucker Punch!” Han shouted.

Ariados gave one last shudder, then raised one of its forelegs, and sprang forward, striking the Zubat down on the ground. The Zubat screeched out, writhing underneath the spider Pokemon.

It lunged upwards, sinking its teeth hard into Ariados’ shoulder. The Long Leg Pokemon hissed out in a would-be screeched, reaching to bite at the Zubat with its thrusting jaws. The Zubat pulled itself free of the loosening fibers, and rocketed skyward, diving back down for another Wing Attack.

Ariados fell back, uneasy on its legs as it collided into a small bush nearby. The bush gave a jump, making Han jump back in shock, as a small tan and green Pokemon wobbled out, shaking and emitting large puffs of hazy spores from its head - Shroomish, and it was using Spore.

Immediately, Ariados fell to its belly, fast asleep as the Zubat eventually fell to the ground as well. Cursing silently, Han pulled out Torkoal’s Pokeball, “Torkoal, show time!”

Another shaft of scarlet light, and the tortoise-like Pokemon appeared, puffing out smoke. The Shroomish jumped, startled at the sight of the Fire-type Pokemon, and ceased to emit the spores. It stared at the Torkoal angrily, lunging forward with its head lowered - Headbutt.

“Torkoal, Ember!” Han commanded, clenching his fists tight in triumph, he had the upper hand, after all. The Fire-type Pokemon withdrew its arms and legs, and a great torrent of flames shot forth, enveloping the Mushroom Pokemon. The flames faded, leaving the scorched Pokemon with a fiercer still expression. It cried out as it lowered its head, the sprout on the top of its head widened, as countless seeds shot forth like bullets, striking hard into Torkoal, driving it backwards and collapsing over Ariados’ fallen form.

“Damn…” Han cursed loudly to himself, he didn’t want to risk a Pokemon as strong as this Shroomish, he pulled out Scyther’s Pokeball, this was his last chance… He thrust it into the air, and felt his heart pulse hard into this throat as Scyther stretched out, bending low into a striking pose at the Shroomish.

Shroomish lowered its head again, and charged forward, striking the Scyther hard with a Headbutt attack. Scyther was pushed backwards, but held the small spore-emitting Pokemon fast between its two scythes that closed in on it on either side.

“Wing Attack!” Han commanded, his nails driven deep into his palms. Scyther pulled itself back from the Shroomish, then lowered itself so its wing was lined up, and shot forth, striking the Shroomish hard, sending the Pokemon backwards. Two super effective attacks… Han thought faintly to himself, time to finish this up.

The Shroomish stumbled forward, lowering its head as it pushed out another Spore attack, the hazy orange spores clung to all of the plants and rocks around it, Scyther stumbled backwards, its eyes wide in fear at the potentially threatening attack.

Thinking quickly, Han stepped back from the attack, “Clear this up with a Wing Attack, Scyther!”

Scyther nodded quickly, obvious desire in its eyes saying that it wanted to do something - fast. Scyther lowered itself once more as the spores spread forth, Han felt his breath catch in his throat as Scyther’s eyelids slowly started to drop upon the strike. It was a half-hearted attack, but the super effective power sent the Shroomish falling backwards.

Han dove his hand deep into his bag, and felt for an empty Pokeball, he pulled out two, and until this day he never found out if it was destiny or not, but he looked from the Shroomish, to the slumbering Zubat, and thrust his two Pokeballs at both.

Simultaneously, both Pokemon were enveloped with a red streak, and the Pokeballs fell to the ground.

The both shook once…

Then they both shook twice…

02-19-2008, 09:47 PM
And posting here so I don't forget. I'll grade this one after Jr's, and I've only claimed two at once because she asked me to do this one. :P

02-21-2008, 07:50 PM
Sorry about the wait. D:


Being an eleven year old Team Galactic member, Han is treking through Eterna Forest, uprooting plants to create a super drug for Pokemon to become stronger. Clambering to the canopy of the forest, he falls back down from the force of a helicopter, but is rescued by a Venusaur's Vine Whip. Angering the woman he's rescued by, he is forced to run, as she also destroys his campsite. Needing for Pokemon to attempt to fend her off, he battles a Zubat and disturbs a Shroomish by accident.

This was a very twisted plot, which I liked. All of the time I was intrigued as to what would happen next, since it was never obvious. The idea of having Ani in there and her being the real threat was very unusual and interesting. Of course, I had some reality issues in a few places, but generally I found this refreshing and a fun story; nice to see something written from the evil team's perspective.

The reality issues I had were to do with Ani's reactions. I wouldn't have thought she'd react in such a violent and vicious way towards Han running of like that, particularly when she stormed the camp and told her Pokemon to kill him. (That's what she meant, right?) But then again, having people steal your herbs isn't great either. :P Ani's character was a bit mixed though, being lovely and helpful one minute, but turning wildly into rage after a brief discovery. I honestly wasn't sure about her, so I'll leave her be now.

Something I was confused about was what the helicopter was doing there. Was it from Team Galactic? If so, you need to give reasons and/or a simple explanation in the story. Having complex plots is a VERY good thing, but make sure everything happens for a reason and that loose ends are tied up when the story finishes, or the reader will be left feeling empty and unsure of what to make of your story.


This was very good. I really didn't notice anything wrong here. Even if there was an error or two, they weren't big enough to draw any attention away from the story. =^_^=


This was very good also. Almost at the end of the guidelines is marvelous. These "limits" are just rough estimates, but achieving a length listed is a great help in securing a capture. Quality > Quantity, but this isn't an issue with this story.


Well... VERY good, if I may say. I could pretty much picture everything that was going on, particularly the scenery and area surrounding your characters, often the part which people find the hardest. Everything was described, maybe a bit too much, but enough for me to enjoy the story. I'd personally try and maybe cut down on the long words you use and the amount of description you include, since some people may get lost or confused when you attempt more complex plots (like someone of your ability should :P). I also noticed you used the same words somewhat often, so varying your word usage would be really great.

Personality wise, I'm not sure if you did well with it. Adapting a character's actions to fit with their personality adds to realism *pokes first section* and makes your character's more believable so readers can relate to them better. Doing this can step your stories up to a new level. ('cause yours are good anyways :P)


This section was very good. Pretty two sided, a variety of attacks, and pretty interesting with how he came about finding them. Battling Zubat with a Pokemon who had a type disadvantage but was evolved was interesting, and a good way to even it out. Spider Web was used in a fun way, and disturbing Shroomish was rather unexpected. I don't quite think Shroomish would start sleeping everything it saw though, no matter how agitated it was from getting knocked out of the bush.

Judging by how easliy Shroomish defeated Torkoal, and having a type disadvantage, I think you overpowered him a bit too much. Many people make the mistake of underpowering the Pokemon they want to capture. But here Shroomish is a bit too strong. Using two Pokemon against him was kinda unexpected, but in a good way. Both Torkoal and Scyther only just being able to defeat him was a bit unrealistic, which is ALWAYS the thing I have a problem with in stories. But this was still a strong point in the story, so well done with this.


This was pretty easy for me: Zubat and Shroomish Captured! The good storyline, detail, lack of grammar mistakes, good length, and relatively good battle made this a very easy decision.

Places where I go on a bit or where I might seem a bit harsh and bossy is just because your story was very hard to fault. Those are tips to make your stories extra awesome. =]

Tips for next time

- Give everything a reason and an explanation in your plot
- Try not to over describe parts of your story
- Work on realism in your story