View Full Version : A New Journey Begins (Chapter Three: The Haunted Swamp Part Two)

02-21-2008, 03:38 PM
Yay, I’m not so lazy that I can’t write part two anymore! Thanks to some advice from Jr., I’ve also decided to link all the past chapters from the current one, since this is an ongoing story with quite a few chapters. :P

Chapter 1 (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75930)
Chapter 2 (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76040)
Chapter 3 (Part One) (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76492)


Targeted Pokemon: Wooper and Pichu
Difficulties (respectively): Simple/Simple
Number of characters (With/without spaces respectively): 14k/16k

Chapter one: Awakening

A throbbing pain was ringing sharply in my arm, my stomach, my back, and well, everywhere. I moaned and rolled over on my back and grabbed my newly caught Murkrow’s Pokeball with my right hand then shrunk the Pokeball to its compact size… I now had five Pokemon, Eevee, Buizel, Spinarak, Caterpie, and Murkrow. I could still catch many more though, and have them transferred from my PC to me directly over my Poketch’s new feature called “Mon Transfer”. My eyes closed and I fell asleep…

The next thing I knew I was being watched by three faces. Not the ones I had recognized as Agatha of the Elite Four, and my sister Cassie… but of three little Pokemon, watching over me.

“Shroom?” One of them asked.

“Pichu…” The second one sighed.

“Wooper.” The third answered.

One of the Pokeballs on my belt exploded with white light. Something nudged my right arm, I turned my head to see what it was, and it was my Eevee. Its charcoal black eyes were filled with concern. Its chocolate brown ears were drooped as was its tail, its cold nose brushed against my arm, willing me to get up. It nudged its soft brown paw against my side. I moaned in pain. In its eyes I saw my own reflection, a black haired thirteen year old boy with bright green eyes and pale skin.

I suddenly remembered clearly what had happened and why I felt this, everything up to this point had flooded back to my thoughts. I remembered setting out on my journey with Cassie from Eterna City; I remembered searching for my friend Buizel, and ultimately capturing it. I remembered receiving a package of Pokeball from my Uncle Kurt encountering my mischievous Caterpie in the Eterna Forest, after Cassie had captured the Starly who attacked it, and how I had captured the Spinarak who was about to make that Caterpie its lunch. Most recently my sister and I were plagued by my new cackling Murkrow; during this time we encountered Agatha of the Kanto’s Elite Four. She had invited us to stay in her house, in the small house, hidden away from the outside world in the tunnel where we had camped out the night before. When I was battling a formerly wild Murkrow and all of a sudden, the ground broke beneath the Pokeball, and when I went over to see what was had happened, the ground beneath me broke as well, pulling me into this place… Where was this place, anyway?

The air was thick and filled with an ominous mist from the swamp above us. I coughed from the dust of the debris that covered the floor above me. I didn’t see any way out except for the way I fell down, and I saw no way back up… unless someone were to find me and pull me out with a rope.

I sat up, to Eevee’s delight; it jumped on my lap and fell asleep, snoring loudly.

I looked around me and saw a blue Pokemon, with no arms and two small black eyes. Purple spiked fins were jetting out of either side of its head. It had a pattern of purple lines down its stomach, and a wide, open mouth. I knew at once that it was a Wooper. To my other side, I saw a small, grumpy looking Pokemon, also with no arms. At first I had mistaken it for a mushroom, but then I realized it was a Shroomish with a gold body and green spots and feet. Its small black eyes looked up at me, and then it smiled. In front of me was a bored looking Pichu. With small triangular shaped ears with black ends, a small, black, lighting shaped tail. It had two pink cheeks and soft yellow fur. It looked up at me with a dull expression, but it still seemed oddly pleased that I was okay.

I looked around, to find out where I was, but all I saw was a small cave, with moss on the walls and grass on the ground. A small pond was in one corner. A small burrow into the ground was in this cave as well, and a small hole in a tree must have been these Pokemon’s homes.

Eevee suddenly woke up; it looked around and then jumped out of my lap and rushed behind me. Something pushed my sore back, but it was knocking the Pokeball off my belt, and then pressing the buttons on the centers.

Out of them in multicolored light came my Caterpie, a bright greenish gold creature with bright black eyes and red antenna, Spinarak, a green spider like Pokemon and a smiling face on its back, Murkrow a jet black bird-like Pokemon that looked as though it was wearing a witches hat and sharp yellow claws and beak, and my Buizel, a yellow flotation ring was around its neck, his weasel like face had two black whiskers across its cheeks, it stood proudly with its tail occasionally flicking from side to side, two blue fins jetted out of its arms. All of them looked at me in confusion.

“I didn’t send you out, Eevee did.” I said.

They all turned to Eevee. Then from out of no where, Pichu leaped over my head and grabbed up two of my Pokeballs in its hands and tossed them to Wooper, who spat a spray of water at them and sprayed them into the hole in the tree. Shroomish laughed.

Eevee rolled its eyes as if telling me “that’s why I let your Pokemon out.”

I lunged at the Pichu, but it simply jumped above my head and stepped down my back, grabbed two more Pokeballs and tossed them to Wooper. Buizel jumped at the Pichu also, but Pichu slapped it across the face and knocked it onto its back. I snarled at the Pichu and lunged at it again, but again it dodged me and grabbed my last Pokeball and threw it to Wooper. I pounced at it again and I had it in my grasp. It struggled and squirmed, then released an electrical blast zapping me and knocking me to one side.

My eye twitched in shock from the electrical blast. Eevee stood over me defensively.

“SHROOMISH!” Shroomish roared.

“What’s going on here!?” I demanded, and stood up.

Wooper looked at me then roared with laughter, as did Shroomish, while Pichu just rolled its eyes. Wooper stuck its tongue out at me and ran over to the tree. I scrambled after it, but before I could get to it, Wooper was standing on the opposite side of the cave, facing the pond; it charged full speed at the tree and knocked it over with its head!

The hole in the tree was facing the ground and unreachable for now… I snarled at the Wooper.

“SHROOMISH!” Shroomish roared again. All of my Pokemon, the Wooper and Pichu, and I looked up at the Shroomish, now standing proudly atop a small ledge in the cave. It repeated its name over and over again, yet I didn’t understand a word of it; although all of my Pokemon, even my newly captured Murkrow seemed offended and angry. Murkrow flew into the air and then landed on my shoulder. Buizel stood in front of me in a defensive manor, and Eevee stood behind Buizel, hissing viciously at the mischievous Pokemon. Caterpie crawled up my back and onto my other shoulder, while Spinarak hung lazily from the ceiling, asleep.

I looked up at the lazy Spinarak.

“You’re a big help.” I grumbled.

Next Post: Chapter 2: The Challenge

02-21-2008, 11:17 PM
Chapter 2: The Challenge

“MURKROW!” Murkrow suddenly exclaimed.

I still didn’t know what was going on…

“Uh… Murkrow, are they trying to challenge us?” I asked.

Murkrow nodded.

“Alright then, you’re up first Murkrow.” I said.

Murkrow jumped off my shoulder and landed on Buizel’s head, it swatted at Murkrow but before it could knock it off, Murkrow hopped down and landed on the ground every one of my Pokemon rushed behind me, except Spinarak, who still slept upside-down on the roof of the cave.

Pichu eagerly bounded onto the field, and then with a malicious smirk its cheeks sent out a small spark of electricity. Then it charged at full speed at Murkrow.

“Murkrow, fly up!” I commanded.

Murkrow started flapping its wings wildly and jumped up into the air. Although it was no use, Pichu went underneath Murkrow and shot up a bolt of electricity, hitting Murkrow perfectly. It went into a sky-dive down and was about to come crashing down to Earth.

“Murkrow, snap out of it and use Wing Attack!” I commanded.

As Murkrow fell, its wings started to glow bright white, then it swooped down right at the Pichu and slammed its right wing into it.

Pichu’s grinned maliciously again, and then fired another electrical blast. Murkrow’s face turned almost cartoon-like while being hit by the electrical attack. Its eyes were wide, its beak was open, and it landed on its side, dizzy and unmoving… Caterpie crawled over the Murkrow and shot a string of web at it, dragging it off the field.

Spinarak’s string, keeping it on tethered to the ceiling lengthened and it landed on the ground. Spinarak let out a yawn and looked at the Pichu.

“Use Shadow Sneak!” I exclaimed.

Spinarak’s shadow extended and rushed behind Pichu.

Pichu jumped; but before it could evade the attack, a giant shadowy fist jetted out of the ground and hit the Pichu in the back, sending it sailing into the air, and then crashing down to the ground.

“Quickly, use Psychic!” My voice echoed through the cave.

Spinarak’s eyes began to glow bright blue, Pichu was lifted off the ground by a bright blue light it struggled and squirmed, but it neither fell nor flew higher, it just floated their in mid air without moving in any direction whatsoever.

I lifted my right hand’s index finger and pointed it up at the hole in the cave. Pichu was lifted up and then out of the hole and into the higher cave above us, where Agatha’s home was; most likely along with a worried Agatha and Cassie.

I pointed my index finger down to the ground quickly and equally as fast, Pichu came slamming down to Earth. A cloud of dirt and debris exploded from the

“That must have hurt.” I thought.

“Use Poison Sting!” I exclaimed and pointed at the Pichu.

Spinarak leaped into action, it fired thousands of poisonous needles at the Pichu, and eventually, some of them hit and exploded on contact. Pichu fell over; it struggled, but stood up again.

“Now use Pin Missile!” I commanded.

Spinarak shot hundreds of green needles from its mouth and hit Pichu.

It moaned and fell to one side.

“I had always wanted an electric Pokemon.” I thought, and pulled a Pokeball out of my bag. I chucked it at the Pichu, and hit it on the stomach. It wobbled left, but before I could see the result, Caterpie shot a string of web at the Pokeball and dragged it behind me. Though I saw it move once, I didn’t see any more of it.

“Wooper!” The Wooper exclaimed, and skipped onto the field.

I looked up at the ledge and the Shroomish was gone. It was running off through a burrow in the ground, which was probably our only way out.

I turned back to the Wooper and the ongoing battle.

“Let’s go Spinarak! Fire your Poison Sting!” I called.

Spinarak’s eyes squinted and spat purple needles at the Wooper.

Wooper ducked and the needles shattered on the rock behind it, closing off the hole Shroomish had escaped through. I moaned with dismay at this.

“Spinarak, use Psychic!” I commanded.

Spinarak’s eyes glowed bright blue, and Wooper was lifted off the ground, and then flung to the ground, then up again, and blown back against a wall.

I couldn’t help laughing at this; not only was my Spinarak a good battler, but it seemed to make its battles cartoon-like. It was a funny sight to see.

“Now hit it with String Shot!” I commanded.

Spinarak spat a string of web at the Wooper’s tail and slammed it against the ground.

Wooper jumped up, and did a mid air flip, it slammed its feet and tail against the ground and caused the entire ground to shake, knocking Spinarak on its back, and me and my other Pokemon to the ground; a powerful Earthquake attack. Wooper charged at my dazed Spinarak and slammed its tail into Spinarak’s side, blowing it over onto its back and knocking it out.

Caterpie shot a string of web at Spinarak and dragged it off the battle field, as it did for Murkrow and the Pokeball containing Pichu.

“Cater…” Caterpie snickered as it dragged Spinarak away.

“You’re up now, Buizel.” I said.

“Buizel!” Buizel exclaimed and jumped onto the battle field.

“Go Buizel, use Sonicboom!” I exclaimed.

Buizel swung its tail releasing a sound wave at the Wooper, hitting perfectly blasting it up against the wall behind it.

“Now use Swift!” I commanded.

Wooper spat a ball of mud at Buizel, though it hit the flurry of stars Buizel had fired, causing an explosion.

“Use Swift again!” I exclaimed.

Buizel swung its tail again and fired another flurry of gold stars at Wooper.

The purple fins on the sides of Wooper’s head started to glow, and then all of a sudden the water in the pond turned brown, then lifted out of the lake and slammed down on Buizel.

“Counter it Buizel, use Whirlpool!” I exclaimed.

Buizel started spinning inside the wave that was crashing down on it, and then suddenly the water started glowing and turned blue again, then turned into a gigantic whirlpool that slammed into the Wooper, picking it up and spinning it around inside, trapping it.

Wooper aimed another ball of mud at the whirlpool and fired it; the whirlpool stopped and shattered as if it were made of glass. It fired another Mud Bomb, this time aiming it at Buizel.

“Use Aqua Jet!” My voice boomed through the small cave.

Buizel leaped into the air enveloping itself in water created by the moist air around it, and shot itself at the Wooper like a rocket. The Mud Bomb was fired, and about to hit Buizel head on.

“Swat at that Mud Bomb with your tail!” I exclaimed.

Buizel did as it was told, and bounced the incoming threat right back at the Wooper, causing it to explode on the ground, but I had miscalculated and the Mud Bomb landed right in front of the Wooper’s feet.

“Use Whirlpool again, Buizel!” I commanded.

This time, instead of manipulating the water in the lake, Buizel created a gigantic swirling whirlpool out of the moisture in the air. The whirlpool grew at a rapid rate, growing so large that the ceiling above us crumbled in places and the debris was picked up by the aquatic tornado, along with the Wooper, who was now being battered by the rocks of the debris.

Wooper escaped the grasp of the whirlpool and sprayed a black haze that covered the field.

I heard a splash in the distance. I looked around, yet I couldn’t see my own hand in of my face in this haze.

From out of the haze I heard and explosion.

“Buizel…” I heard Buizel moan.

“Buizel, are you okay!?” I asked, and rushed towards where I remembered Buizel to have been.

There I saw Buizel on the ground, lying on its stomach with its eyes closed.

It struggled, but stood up. As it did, the haze cleared.

Standing only a yard away was the Wooper, smiling with delight as it saw another win was at hand.

“Get that thing with Quick Attack!” I said with slight hesitation.

Buizel bounded off at full speed, but it was too tired, it tripped on a rock and fell face first into the ground.

“No!” I moaned, and rushed over to Buizel and picked it up, then carried it over behind Eevee and laid it down next to Murkrow and Spinarak.

“You’re up, Caterpie,” I said.

Caterpie looked up at me in amazement and then climbed up on my shoulder, refusing to battle.

“Just kidding, you’re up, Eevee.” I smirked.

Eevee nodded and bounded onto the field.

“Start off with Trump Card!” I commanded.

Eevee jumped into the air and shot an orb of blue light at the Wooper, Wooper started running away, though the orb followed it, and eventually hit it in the back. That’s how Trump Card works; it never misses, and gains power every time it’s used… Eevee’s most dangerous attack if it can be pulled off.

“Eevee, use another Trump Card!” I exclaimed.

Eevee glowed bright blue and released another orb of blue light, only this one was larger. The orb tore through the ground and slammed right into the Wooper, blowing down to the ground and onto its back.

“Wooper!” Wooper exclaimed, and it got to its feet again.

It fired another ball of mud at Eevee.

“Jump and use Take Down!” I roared.

The Mud Bomb attack missed, blowing a hole in the wall behind me with a loud explosion, Eevee’s attack also missed, and it landed face first into the ground.

“Eevee, use Trump Card one more time!” I exclaimed.

Eevee fired an orb of bright blue light and hit Wooper, as predicted, it couldn’t take it. It had small burn marks on its face and stomach. Its eyes were closed; its wide mouth was open. I felt sorry for this Wooper… so I pulled my third and last Net Ball that I had received only two days ago from my uncle Kurt. Its top had black zigzagging lines covering the pale blue of the Pokeball. I knelt down next to the Wooper and touched it on the left foot (the only part of its body without a scratch) and it became sucked inside the Pokeball with a pale blue light. I dropped the Pokeball and watched it.

It moved left and right, once… twice…

“Allan! Hang on! I’ll get you out of there; give me five minutes to find a rope!” It was the voice of Agatha, from above me.

“Gengar!” Her Gengar said.

“It’s okay; I think I found my own way out.” I said, remembering how Spinarak had lifted the Pichu up into the air and onto the floor above me.

03-01-2008, 04:09 PM
Here's a grade... My first in about two months. >>

Introduction: You really didn’t do much to introduce the story. Granted, I realize that this is a continuation, but not all graders are going to want to start at the very beginning of a long story just to find out who the character is and why they are where they are. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to completely start the story over every time you write a new section, but I suggest adding a little overview of what happened at the beginning of new chapters. It doesn’t have to be much, just a little paragraph explaining who the main character is and what has happened thus far, but it makes the grader’s job much easier. Especially if they’re lazy, like me. ^^;

Plot: Perhaps one of the most important parts of the story, the plot determines both the length and how interesting the story is as a whole. Yours, a boy falling into an underground cave, meeting three Pokemon, and ultimately fighting two of them, was a bit short and simple for two Pokemon. In the future, I suggest trying to think out something more interesting and varied. Maybe your character can meet another trainer, or even someone from an evil team. Don’t let yourself be confined to stories that are canon to the anime, either. The best stories are those that stray away from the norm, and take a whole new spin on the world of Pokemon.

Grammar: Your main problem in this is sentence structure. You have a lot of run-on sentences, and some sentence fragments, too. One thing to remember with sentences is that you should only have one main idea, unless you have a compound or complex sentence. A compound sentence (you probably know this) is when you connect two sentences using ‘and’, ‘or’, or ‘but’. A complex sentence is when a sentence has a second part that could not be a main idea without the first main idea to support it.

Though I could still catch many more, and have them transferred from my PC to me directly over my Poketch’s new feature called “Mon Transfer”.

This is an example of part of a complex sentence that can not stand on its own. The main reason is because you began it with ‘though’. This can be easily fixed, though, by putting it after ‘more,’ and adding another comma at the end.

I moaned and rolled over on my back, I grabbed my newly caught Murkrow’s Pokeball with my right hand and shrunk the Pokeball to its compact size…

This sentence should be a compound sentence, because ‘I moaned and rolled’ and ‘I grabbed’ are two different main ideas. Just add ‘and’ after the comma and you’ll be fine.

Something pushed my sore back, it was Eevee, but it was knocking the Pokeball’s off my belt, and then pressing the buttons on the centers.

‘Pokeball’ is just plural, not possessive, so it doesn’t need an apostrophe. Also, ‘it was Eevee’ is an unnecessary addition to the sentence, and interrupts the flow. Instead, just put ‘it’ in place of 'something', so that it is already implied that it was Eevee pushing his back.

I didn’t point out every little things, but I did point out your main problems. When you begin writing again, be sure to watch out for similar places so you can correct yourself.

Detail: You did well in this area. You described everything with good enough detail that I can easily picture what everything looks like. I especially liked that you described the Pokemon, not simply saying ‘it was a Wooper, a Shroomish, and a Pichu.’ That is one thing that many writers don’t do.

Still, there were some places where you could have added some. Was the air in the cave stale? Did light filter down from the hole he’d created when he fell? Were the walls slimy and wet, or dry and dusty? Were there any scattered debris from the roof falling in? Make sure to include as many details as you can, and don’t limit yourself simply to sight. Add in what your character heard, smelled, felt, and tasted as well.

Length: It’s always a good idea to try and get right in the middle of the necessary amount of characters. This way, you’re more likely to get the Pokemon, because a longer story means you’ve added more detail and the like to it. This story, though, is right around the minimum. The best way to add to the length is by focusing more on the other parts, but it’s a good indicator of whether you’ve done enough for the capture at the end. In the future, pay more attention to how close your actual length is to what is required.

Battle: Well done here! You had a nice, long, two-sided battle, which is exactly what every grader looks for. You fought two Pokemon, but ended up using four. In the future, though, try to make sure you describe exactly what happens. You did this for the most part, but there were places where you just say ‘the attack hit’. How exactly did it hit, and how did the other Pokemon react? Did they cringe, or hardly flinch? Were they flung backwards, or did they hold their ground? Little details like this fill out the battle and make it flow.

Outcome: One Captured, and One Not! This story is good for one simple Pokemon, more than good enough, but not quite enough to nab two. I’ll let you chose the one you want. Fix grammar mistakes, add in some more detail, and I’ll gladly regrade. Just drop me a PM when you’re ready. Enjoy whichever ‘mon you chose, anyway, and hopefully you’ll get the second, too.

EDIT: Looks good! You added more detail, and a better description of what happened to Allan before the story began, which is excellent. I also like that you added the part where Spinarak lifted the Pichu, giving Allan the idea to use that to get back up, and that you added Agatha in at the end. Overall, I'm happy to say Pichu Captured! Enjoy both your little yellow rodent and your blue, er, thing, and I hope to see more stories from you!

Again, sorry about the wait... ^^;