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View Full Version : The Rescuer's Life


Shucklulz
02-23-2008, 02:04 AM
I've always wanted to write a story envolving Red/Blue Rescue Team. Not to worry, this is for URPG. I have to say, I think it's my favorite story so far, so enjoy!


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Targeted Pokemon: Shroomish, Pidgey, Phanpy.
Number of characters: 17k/20k (without/with spaces respectively)
Difficulty: Medium, Simple,
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Chapter 1: Squad Construction Day


A light cast over the Mushroom Forest in the early morning light, the tops of the gigantic yellow, red and white spotted mushrooms, which usually bounced off the mushrooms tops, today, they unusually let light through, causing golden streams of light to poor into the small forest. Inhabitants were already out of their huts, the inhabitants were many tree-like Pokemon such as Shiftry, while as the name gives away, other inhabitants make this humble forest their home as well, such as Paras, Parasect, and Breloom. Everyone was outside, mingling, laughing, chasing each other, and playing to their hearts content except for one. A small head peeked out of a hole in one of the mushrooms. It was a Pokemon; it jumped out of the tree and landed on the ground. It was shorter than most of the Pokemon in the Friend Area, its gold body glistened from the morning dew on its head; green spots were covering the gold body of the Pokemon. Its feet were green and its expression was habitually frowning. The Pokemon walked over to one of the giant mushrooms whose trunk has been carved into a staircase. The Pokemon jumped up each stair and up to the small room that looked out onto the surrounding forests. There were only two uninhabited forests in the area; one had gone unexplored for more than a year, which had been named the Purity Forest, but no-one knew why. The other was explored, but the only inhabitant was a glowing rock, which glowed iridescently in shades of blue, purple, orange, yellow, and grayish-black.

“When was Patrick going to explore that place, and find out who or what lived there?” The Pokemon thought.

Patrick was the leader of one of the highest ranked rescue teams in the region. This Pokemon, Shroomish, lived in the Mushroom Forest. It was one of the first residents in the Friend Area, as a member of Team Pokeheros. Many other Pokemon who had been recruited had either left the area (because Patrick did not see them active enough in the affairs of the Rescue Team) or they had just quit under the harsh pressure that Patrick’s grand presence emanated. Shroomish (nicknamed Alex) was excited for the day. He was going to not only finally be assigned his squad members, but he could officially lead missions, something he had desired from the first day he was recruited.

“Alex!” A loud voice boomed from the entrance of the forest.

Alex looked up to see a tall figure (compared to him) standing at the forest’s gate.

The little Shroomish hopped down the stairway and rushed over to the figure. It was a bird Pokemon and his trusted companion, Mike the Pidgey. Mike had green tinted gold feathers and a pink beak. His black eyebrows were raised and his bright brown eyes looked down at Alex.

“Yes, what is it Mike?” Alex asked.

“Come on! We’ve got to get to get ready! Patrick is going to be here in an hour! You’re supposed to have your selections for your squad back here before then!” Mike exclaimed.

“Relax, Mike. I’ve got one member here, don’t I?” Alex grinned.

Mike looked from side to side then cocked his head.

“Who?” He asked.

“You, silly!” Alex exclaimed.

Mike looked at Alex in amazement.

“Why would you want me? I’m a freak, and an outcast.” Mike sighed.

“No you’re not. I’m sure that just because you’re gold, that doesn’t mean you’re any less a Pidgey.” Alex replied cheerfully.

“Don’t bother trying to cheer me up. Let’s just go find our third squad member.” Mike sighed, and turned around, allowing Alex to climb up onto his back.

Mike fluttered his wings and lifted off, then flew off the edge of the canyon that lead into the forest and flew off. The canyon’s ledge was brown with shades of orange, craggy and very sturdy. Carved into the face of the mountain was the trademark rescue team badge symbol, an oval (with three feathered wings on either side) with a scorched black star in the center. Patrick personally carved this marking with little if any help at all. He was truly an amazing artist (for a Pokemon), along with being a skilled and powerful rescue team leader.

Alex saw the bright blue skies above them, the white fluffy clouds, the shrinking Mushroom Forest behind us as Mike made a u-turn, then flew towards the northern mountain ranges, quickly the scenery changed from bright forests to a craggy mountain range.

“Wait! Go to Mt. Deepgreen. I want to see if Kelly is willing to join us.” Alex said.

Without response, Mike flew down towards the closest mountain and landed at the entrance to Mt. Deepgreen flawlessly. The mountain was coated in soft, bright green grass, moss covered the rocks that were above the ground, and several mossy ledges made ramps up either side of the courtyard. Behind Alex and Mike was a long tunnel, with the ledge leading inside behind them they walked into the enclosed courtyard. A hole in the cave gave an outstanding view of the other Friend Areas in the mountain range, making a ring shaped mountain belt. A steady and breezy current of fresh air blew through the courtyard, making the mountain a very healthy place to live for its inhabitants.

Standing side by side in a line was three Pokemon, a Geodude on the left, with craggy rock-like features, skinny arms, no legs or feet, and wide white eyes with small black pupils. On the right was a Shuckle, a worm like head stuck out of one of the holes in the gourd-like body, along with four yellow worm-like legs sticking out of holes. Two empty holes were on its back. The Shuckle’s small, bright black eyes looked serious, but very difficult to read for any body language of any sort. In the center of the line was a Teddiursa named Kelly. Her caramel brown fur shined as if it were kept clean as often as possible. A yellow crescent moon shaped marking was on her head. Two circular ears were on their side of her head. Three sharpened claws were on either paw. Her bright black eyes looked from Alex, to Mike as they approached the line.

“Kelly, are these your squad members?” Alex asked with dismay.

Kelly nodded.

“Yes, they are. I see you and Mike are teammates now. Good luck with your squad.” Kelly said cheerfully, they turned to each other. Then as Alex and Mike walked away they all sneered at Alex.

“What a fool that Alex is, putting a weakling like Mike on his team. They’ll be failures and Patrick will kick ‘em out before the end of the month.” Shuckle sneered.

“Right, then we’ll be the top squad.” Kelly snickered.

Geodude sighed.

“Why do you two have to be so harsh on them? We should be respecting those two; they are our elders, in the rescue team.” He said.

“Bah! What do you know, Rockface? You’re still a rookie member.” Shuckle scoffed.

Rockface sighed again, but said nothing.

As Alex and Mike flew to the other mountain ranges they still found no rescue team members that weren’t already on a squad, they even flew to the Rainbow Peak just for the hope that someone would be there. But as Alex had guessed, the only occupant was gone, with his two rescue team members. A single rainbow feather was lying on the ground where the gigantic resident had made its nest. Mike and Alex flew back to the Mushroom Forest with no luck what so ever. Alex sat down on the ground and sighed.

“I thought this would be my time…” Alex sighed.

“It’s okay Alex, there’s another squad formation in six months, and I think we can survive as free members until then.” Mike grinned, trying to sound cheerful, but in all actuality, he was as disappointed as Alex was.

Suddenly the ground started shaking; Alex was knocked onto his back, while Mike shuddered.

“Here comes Patrick…” He said, and tried to push Alex back up to his feet with his beak.

A roar erupted from the gate, and standing in the light was the silhouette, it came into the light to show a red eyed Typhlosion, smirking with sharp teeth. The flames on the back of his neck were not ignited, but he was still almost menacing. He had proven himself time and time again that he was the strongest rescue team leader around, with his vicious battle style and high powered fire attacks; he was surely a vicious opponent. Not only had he lead over three thousand Pokemon safely out of forests, caves, canyons, and dungeons, he also had recruited every one of his members from a carefully chosen group. One in fifty applicants made it into his rescue team, and he wanted to keep it that way. His bright red eyes pierced the shadows; he looked straight at the quaking Pidgey and Shroomish. His sharp pointed teeth shined with a bright white luster, his claws were sharp and menacing, a stubby spiked tail was behind his short legs, and the cream color of his stomach ran up the underside of his chin and to his eyes. The top of his head and down his back to the tip of his tail was dark forest green. On the back of his neck were three red circles, which, if Patrick were angered, would burst into bright orange and yellow flames.

Behind him was a sweet eyed Meganium, the large flower petals erupting out of her neck were bright pink with white edges. She was a bright lime green color with thin yellow antennae erupting out of her head. Her feet were sturdily placed on the ground and despite her kind looks; her appearance was that of authority.

On Patrick’s right was a studious looking Pikachu, his soft charcoal eyes looked down at the ground, he had a small smile across his face. His thin, long ears twitched at the occasional noise in the distance. He stood on his hind legs and crossed his yellow arms. His lighting shaped tail with a brown end. He looked up for a moment at Alex and Mike, and then looked back down at the ground.

The deep voice of Patrick boomed in the forest.

“Now Alex, there is no need for you to be so afraid of me,” Patrick announced, “I see your good friend Mike has decided to be on your squad, but ah, what’s this? You have no third member?”

“Yes sir. I apologize, but no-one wished to join my squad.” Alex said after a long moment, he looked down at his stubby green feet.

“No need to be sorry; in fact, I’m sort of glad you didn’t find anyone else to join,” he paused, “Katie, could you come here please?” he called to someone beyond sight.

A small blue elephant-like Pokemon walked out from behind some trees. A red ring was around the Pokemon’s trunk, its bright black eyes were beaming and eager, it was a Phanpy who walked confidently and stood by Patrick.

“Yes sir!” The Phanpy exclaimed.

“This is your new squad.” Patrick announced.

Alex walked over to the Phanpy.

“Hi there, my name’s Alex. Good to meet you.” He said.

“Hi, Alex, I’m Katie.” Katie replied.

Mike closed his eyes and sighed.

“Good, it seems you are acquainted now, except for the grouch over there.” Meganium smiled and leaned her head over at Mike.

“Now, I not only am going to confirm you as a squad, but I am also going to give you your first mission. Pikachu, if you would.” Patrick announced and tossed Pikachu an envelope.

Pikachu clawed open the top of the envelope and read the contents.

“Help! I’m stuck in Solar Cave! I was able to dig a hole in one of the walls and make a camp, but if anyone finds me, I’m doomed! Please rescue me!” Pikachu quoted.

“The Pokemon didn’t give a name; your objectives are simple, get to the Solar Cave and infiltrate it, then find this mysterious Pokemon and return it to its home.” Pikachu instructed.

Katie, Alex, and Mike nodded and then rushed off.

“WAIT!” Patrick roared.

Mike stopped mid air and landed face first into the ground, with a moan he stood up.

“Now if you want to survive, take these items.” Patrick said and handed Katie a toolbox.

“Inside you will find your rescue badges, use them to get to the Pokemon out of the cave, along with yourselves. You will also find an Escape Orb. In case this is too much for you, though I must warn you, there is no way to predict where you will end up.” Patrick said.

“Yes sir.” Alex replied, and they scurried off.

Shucklulz
02-23-2008, 03:51 AM
Chapter 2: The Big Break

We now arrive in the Sinnoh region, where a young boy traveling through Mt. Coronet has just reached the peak of the Spear Pillar, with his faithful companion Eevee by his side and his Murkrow on his shoulder. His jet black hair blew in the weak breeze. He was about fourteen years of age, and tried to be by himself as much as possible. His serious and jaded green eyes glanced at the old crumbled pillars, with multiple odd forms of runes marked on the oddly intimidating appearance of the place. Yet oddly, he wasn’t frightened. He actually almost pitied the place, it was amazing at one point, but now as he looked at it… it left a lot to be desired. The air was clear, and cold, but foggy; a high amount of humidity flooded the Spear Pillar. He saw a strange marking at his feet. He looked around and saw three other markings identical to it. It looked like a large footprint, a square heel and four sharp toes, no arch in or out. In the center of the raised platform which the boy was standing on, a different kind of footprint, this one shared the same heel shape, but only had one pointed toe. He was sure they were the footprints of the legendary Dialga and Palkia. He knew they had been here, he knew they had been wielded by the boss of Team Galactic; he just had to find out what happened to them after that, and where they were now… As Professor Rowan’s most active and trusted assistant, he was now trying to do the impossible: find and register Dialga and Palkia in his Pokedex. That would shut Lucas up; Lucas was a very impressive, but inactive assistant to Professor Rowan. On top of that, he was also the newest Sinnoh League Champion. He apparently had even seen (possibly even registered) Dialga in his Pokedex. His team is never the same except for one mighty Empoleon, his favorite, and a Lucario. Yet he keeps so much to himself that finding out everything about him could be just as satisfying as completing a Pokedex.

“If only Cassie could see this place.” The boy thought, thinking of his sister.

“Murkrow!” His Murkrow squawked.

All of a sudden a bright light flashed down before the boy’s eyes. Eevee stood bravely in front of its trainer. Its chocolate brown fur was on end and seemed almost spiked.

The light enveloped the Spear Pillar, the boy’s eyes widened. Murkrow squawked again, but over the rumbling of the ground, nothing could be heard…

Back at the rescue team base, Alex, Katie and Mike had just arrived at the entrance to the Solar Cave, a mysterious cave with many psychic Pokemon inside. The cave’s first floor was the maze on the roof. They climbed the stairs carved into the rock and reached the maze, with incredible speed they set off searching every corridor every side hallway until they reached a pathway down into the cave itself. They went through the cave effortlessly for hours, fending off the territorial Pokemon who made the cave their home, they did not speak, except to notify each other of the stairways until they reached the thirteenth floor; they searched every room in the cave until they saw a small hole. Suddenly a chill ran up Alex’s spine, something had always bothered him about this place, even though he had been here many times before. The air was always dank, the walls were cracked in places, and there were shattered rocks everywhere. Everything seemed oddly mystical. Voices were whispering everywhere the trio went, but by the time they reached the thirteenth floor, no-one was about.

“Was I really doing the right thing by coming here?” He thought, then shook off the notion.

“Come on, I think our client is this way.” Katie announced as she pointed to the small hole in the wall with her foot.

Alex turned to face the hole, as did Mike.

“Does anyone know Rock Smash?” Alex asked.

Katie looked at Alex, and nodded.

She charged at the wall and hit it with her foot right below the hole, crushing the rock. A small hidden room inside it, lying on its back was a Gengar. Alex gulped. He knew the only Gengar in the region was another member of Patrick’s rescue team; the hated Gengar who framed Patrick for causing a meteor to almost strike the world and destroy the planet had left several months before and had never been seen again. This Gengar looked tried and rather lazy, unlike both of the other Gengars…
Mike flew over to it and looked at its face.

“Look out! Its-” But it was too late, the Gengar disappeared and transformed into a Ditto.

“I see Team Pokehero’s isn’t as cautious as their reputation lets on.” The Ditto sneered. Its form began to shift, and it transformed into a Typhlosion, but not any Typhlosion, it was Patrick! No other Typhlosion could have the same piercing red eyes… this time when Alex saw them they were glaring down at the three young Pokemon… how this Ditto had seen Patrick was beyond reasoning, as he only explored dungeons with rumors of dangerously powerful Pokemon in them. This was not one of those dungeons, but still the Ditto was mimicking Patrick down to the sharp… ferocious teeth and claws. Alex gulped.

“We’re doomed.” He whispered.

“Yes, yes you are.” The Ditto sneered in Patrick’s deep, roar of a voice.

From out of the Ditto’s mouth erupted a star of bright red flames, it grew to twice its size then the Ditto spat it right at Mike, quickly he dodged the attack and then slammed into the Ditto with a Quick Attack. Alex used a Stun Spore attack and tried to slow down the Ditto. It released an orange-yellow and gold powder that sprayed at the Typhlosion copy, but its Limber ability protected it. Katie slammed into the Ditto with Rollout. It fell to one side, then got back up and spat a Fire Blast at Alex, hitting him at full force, he cried out and fell on his side. The Ditto followed up his attack by sending a stream of Fire Blast’s at Katie and Mike, both missed. Alex shook off the attack. He jumped back to his feet and spat a seed at the Ditto. It released spiked vines which coiled themselves around the Ditto. The vines began to glow, and Alex’s wounds began to heal. A tube of energy enveloped Alex, and extended around the bound Typhlosion. On the Typhlosion’s side, it glowed bright red, then shattered, orbs of blue rushed through the tube and splashed on Alex’s head. A Mega Drain attack and it had hit; causing the Ditto to moan and fall to its side, struggling with the bindings.

Katie was still rolling on the floor at high amounts of speed, kicking up dirt every which way, she slammed into the Ditto again for another Rollout attack, again, and again, and again, and again she hit it. Harder and harder each time.

Mike started flapping his wings wildly and created a miniature tornado, a Gust attack.

Ditto countered by using Flamethrower, going right for the small tornado and swirling around it, setting it on fire and blowing it back to Mike, he landed on his side; he fainted from extreme exhaustion from the grueling power of the Ditto.

Ditto fired another Flamethrower, Katie didn’t budge; she faced the flames head first. She was glowing orange. Protecting her was her Endure attack, the second the flames had died out, she charged right at the imposter Typhlosion and slammed into him with her trunk, beating him viciously with her front legs and then started using Rollout once more, hitting him three times.

She spun rapidly for the fourth time, this time Ditto reacted with its fifth Fire Blast, and it missed thanks to Katie rolling up a wall and onto the domed ceiling. She stopped spinning right above the Typhlosion’s head and slammed right onto its head, trunk first with a Take Down attack. She began spinning again like a wheel; right on the Ditto’s head and causing major friction and making the Ditto’s head begin to smoke. Kate jumped off and landed on her feet.

Alex charged at the Ditto and smashed into it head first with a Headbutt attack. He pulled an item out of the box near his feet, a Trawl Orb. He kicked it at the Ditto as it activated and exploded. Like metal drawn to a magnet, items started to burst through walls and come right at the Ditto, exploding on contact.

Alex spat three seeds from his mouth at the Ditto, at the same time Ditto began to glow bright red, Alex gulped… either he had activated the Ditto’s Blaze ability, or it had copied even Patrick’s most powerful attack yet… Overheat. Ditto’s body began to smoke and steam, it released a tower of flame from its mouth that whipped into another furious flaming tornado, and it was inescapable. It began growing and swirling, then whipped into a flaming hurricane, enveloping the entire room in a slow spiral. Alex remembered that was the attack Patrick had used to defeat the causer of a curse mark; the ashes from the after effects were used to remove it from the victim, a Gardevoir. Everything this attack touched was incinerated, they would be lucky to survive… in the hopes that they weren’t hit with the brutal front of the attack… his vision was cut off, soon, if the Ditto clenched it’s fist, the walls of fire would close in on each other and crush (and defeat) anything trapped in its fiery grasp. The seeds that Alex had fired were from his Seed Bomb attack. Holes in the fiery walls opened up, just enough for him to run through before they closed. He charged through them, spitting more seeds to clear his path… he knew what he had to do.

Three long, grueling minutes in the intense heat passed, Alex rushed, trying to get to the center of the hurricane, the only place he could possibly be safe.

“Are you ready…?” The Ditto whispered, as if it were addicted to its own power. It clenched its left fist, and the two outer most walls shut against each other. Suddenly a small mushroom shape burst from the flames behind the Ditto and slammed right into its back. Throwing it into the flames, its fist clenched harder from the shock, closing two more walls, then the last two, before the center ring, right on itself.

“Noooooooooo!” The Ditto wailed as it was enveloped by its own fire.

Quickly and without warning, the fire simply disappeared, the only indication that it was there was the burned, pink blob lying on the floor, and the scorch marks on the ground.

The Ditto started to glow gold, until only an outline remained, then even that disappeared into the depths of the cave…

Katie was on the break of exhaustion, but staggered over to Alex.

“Katie, go to the Toolbox and use the Escape Orb…” Alex groaned and fell on his back.

“But… if we do that then there’s no telling where we’ll end up.” Katie protested.

“Just do it!” Alex moaned and closed his eyes.

Katie nudged Mike and brought, or rather pushed him over to Alex. She pushed the toolbox over and opened it with her front right foot. It clicked and opened. Inside were three Oran Berries. She fed them to Mike and Alex, and herself. She knew they wouldn’t heal enough to get them back to fighting strength any time soon, but she knew it would be enough to protect them from their burn marks getting infected… for the time being; she then pulled out the Escape Orb.

She pressed the button on its side, and started to glow yellow. Mike and Alex started to glow also. Their rescue badges disappeared, their toolbox also disappeared.

The light surrounding Mike engulfed him and he vanished, the same happened to Katie, then Alex…

“Excellent. Ditto played his part perfectly. Now that those three are out of the way, there’s nothing left to stop us from completing that mission.” It was Kelly the Teddiursa. She walked over and picked up the envelope.

“That old fool Patrick won’t even remember them by the time we get back. His fading memory will soon be his death.” Shuckle, who came out of the shadows rolled over beside Katie, said with a chuckle.

“Precisely. Rockface! Get over here!” Kelly ordered. But Rockface the Geodude was nowhere to be found…

“That old fool just happened to hear everything you just said, Kelly.” A deep voice boomed.

Kelly’s face turned pale as she turned around at the shadow looming over her… she gulped.

Two bright red eyes gleamed with non existent pupils. They seemed to cut right through the duo like two razor sharp, indestructible blades. They narrowed with aggravation and bitterness, with no regret for what the owner of those horribly intimidating eyes had planned for these two miserable brats.

“S-sir, please forgive me…” Kelly begged.

“There is no forgiveness for what you did Kelly. You are banned from the rescue team… along with your friend Shuckle. Rockface told me everything.” Patrick’s voice boomed.

He opened his mouth; a small wisp of flame was growing between his sharp teeth.

“Be gone, and never return…” The mighty Typhlosion roared and released the flame at the Teddiursa and Shuckle’s feet. The ground opened beneath them as Patrick punched a hole in the ground, they fell.

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” Their voices trailed off into the abyss…

“Good riddance. They’ll end up at the twentieth floor. Crossarms will be there to pick them up, and escort them to their respective ex-dungeons.” Patrick thought. He closed his eyes and in a blur, he disappeared out of the cave.

“Pikachu!” His voice boomed.

“Yes?” The Pikachu’s voice echoed from behind him. He appeared out of the shadows, kneeling at his leader’s foot.

“Remove Kelly and Shuckle from the member’s list. Also, put out a gold star ranked mission to find Alex, Mike, and Kate. I want every rescue team (even the rookies) to spread out and search every dungeon for these three. Be sure to put at least three squads in every dungeon. There can be no maximum. I will head this search myself!” Patrick roared in determination.

“As you wish sir.” Pikachu answered, and rushed off.

Patrick closed his gleaming eyes; he began chanting a short incantation, his short hands closed around his rescue team badge. He was enveloped by a tube of yellow light, then disappeared back to his rescue team office, and landed right on his favorite office chair.

“I’m getting better and better at that.” He thought as he sat back with is arms behind his head, and took a long snooze.

We return to the Spear Pillar. The light had subsided, and a mist now surrounded the top. The boy looked in amazement as he saw a Phanpy, Shroomish, and a gold Pidgey lying on the ground, deep burn marks covered them, but they did not look sick or infected. He

“Murkrow!” The boy’s Murkrow squawked.

He sighed with pity for the small creatures. He knew once they were back to health, he would be sure to bring them to Professor Rowan. He rushed over to the three Pokemon.

Quickly he pulled three Pokeballs out of his back and touched one to each of the Pokemon. The Pokeballs erupted in silver light after the Pokeballs had swallowed up the Pokemon, and on the top of each of the three Pokeballs was an oval shaped marking with a three feathered wing on each side… the symbol of a rescue team badge, though what it meant was unknown to the boy. It was apparently a tribute, to remember those who they had met, in the rescue team world, and to remember who they will meet in the future.

He watched the Pokeballs move left and right… Once… Twice…

Phantom Kat
03-06-2008, 03:18 AM
You actually made me do something than watch anime. D=

IPlot: Alex and Mike, a Shroomish and a Shining Pidgey, are looking for members to build their own rescue squad. However, after meeting Kelly the Teddiursa and her squad (who are not what they seem), they have no luck. That is, until Patrick the Typhlosion introduces them to a Pokemon who needs a squad of her own, a Phanpy by the name of Katie. Just like that, they get their very first mission in Solar Cave. However, after getting there, they find their client is actually a Ditto who mimics Patrick. The amateur team fight and when they defeat the shape shifting blob, they use their Escape Orb. They end up in the Sinnoh region, in front of Spear Pillar and a young trainer. The boy pities the Pokemon and captures them.

This was very unique, I’ve always wanted to write my own URPG PMD story. It did not start with the mundane “wake up, go to do a mission” that the games depict but you wrote it as a brand new team getting their first mission. The characters were well thought out with all of them having their own distinct personality which always strengthens the plot. The boy could have used more of a background, though. Was he a trainer or some kind of researcher? Even though he isn’t that important to the story, you need to make him as though he didn’t just pop out of nowhere.

I like the fact that they ended up in Spear Pillar with the Escape Orb that was unpredictable. One thing that gets me, though, is that fact the boy quickly captured the Pokemon without a second thought. They materialized out of thin air in front of a structure that is home to two deities, I think he would be shocked and speechless or maybe just blank as to what to do. Maybe he thought they were gods. XD Even though you just want to end the story, don’t forget to make expressions and actions realistic.

Also, the Pokemon were fully healed by the Oran Berries (unless they don’t heal all of the HP in your story), wouldn’t they be fit to fight? This is nothing serious, just thought I would point that out.

Intro: Alex a Shroomish contemplates the importance of the day and when he sees his friend, Mike the Pidgey, they set out to recruit members for their rescue team.

This was nice and informative. I could see the Pokemon in my mind, I was beginning to see the plot that was going to unfold, and I got to know the main characters. Really, all I would suggest is bringing in your surroundings more because even though I have played PMD and know what Mushroom Forest, it was what I didn’t see when you were describing. As you open your story and you describe the characters, describe the surroundings as well so that the reader can have the full picture than just part of it.

Grammar/Spelling: This was good for the most part. You have a good grasp on the grammar and I didn’t see any spelling mistakes. Some of the sentences were kind of awkward to read, maybe because they had too many in one? Just remember that joining more than one sentences doesn’t necessarily make it better. Sometimes, one lone sentence can have a bigger impact on the message you are trying to convey. Read over your story aloud and see if any of your sentences seem a tad confusing or too long.
“Hi, Alex, I’m Katie.”

Throughout your story, you sometimes forgot to put a comma before the character who is being addressed. Watch out for that. =3

The Pokemon walked over to one of the giant mushrooms that’s trunk had been carved into a staircase.

This part is confusing. I know what you are trying to say but it sounds like you are saying “that is”. Using “whose” instead would make it more comprehendible. Also “had” should be “has”.

On Patrick’s right was a studious looking Pikachu, its soft charcoal eyes looked down at the ground, it had a small smile across his face.

Throughout this sentence and in other parts of your story, you referred to Pikachu as “it” and a “he”. Choose one and stick with it, it makes things less complicated.

I also saw a fragment in there somewhere, watch out for them.

Length: Here, you fell short. The range for these Pokemon would be 25K - 50K but you only got 17K. Though quality > quantity, your story would have to be flawless in the other sections which is not the case here. D=

Description/Detail: You did very good in this area, I could see the Pokemon clearly in my head. Make sure to describe the unimportant characters as well like the trainer and Kelly’s team. Also, sometimes I could see your surroundings but sometimes I could not. Describe the surroundings as strongly as you did your characters from the temperature to trees and the feeling in the area. For example, Spear Pillar is a place where the legendary Dialga and Palkia came from, would it be grand and intimidating or run down with runes all over the place. What about Solar Cave, did it have an unsettling aurora with its gray mazes and stone walls?

Use all of your senses to describe where they are so that we can follow the characters as the story is read. Even insignificant areas like the canyon they flew over need to be seen.

Battle: The battle was good but for the Pokemon you are going for, it was far too short, only about five paragraphs. Mike seems as though he was knocked out far too early even though a fiery tornado would hurt; I would think he could survive at least two more attacks. I would think that Alex being a Grass type would be face the most damage, Ditto would have figured that out. Alex NEEDS to be involved in the battle since he is one the Pokemon you are going for. Summarizing by saying “Ten minutes later…” doesn’t do it, we need to see him battling.

Also, more detail here would really bring out the battle and make it more exciting. Describe how the fiery tornado ignited and sounded as it roared to life or how Mike gathered sand and dust to air his Gust attack. Everything from Stun Spore to Take Down needs to be described to the best of your ability since you are going for multiple Pokemon.

I like the way you made Katie roll up the ceiling to deliver a Take Down, creative. Using these strategies makes battles fun to read. ;)

Outcome: This story was really good with its original concept and the characters. However, the detail was iffy, the battles was much too short, and the lack of length hurt you. For now, I’m going to say: Pidgey and one Medium Pokemon captured! Add more description to the surroundings, bring it to life, and add to the battle to make it as exciting as you can. This should be bring the length of the story to required range. Just do this and the other Pokemon is yours. =3

- Kat

Phantom Kat
03-16-2008, 11:09 PM
I found this was ready for a re-grade when I stalked...uhh, looked, at your trainer stats. xP

Wow, you added a lot more description to your surroundings and they weren't simply thrown in there to get me satisfied. The battle was much better and Alex got way more involved. So, I have no problem in saying, Shroomish captured!

Just make sure you do all of this your first time around, which I know you can. ;)

- Kat