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Jay Star
02-23-2008, 05:56 AM
Ok I hope this is right and enough this is my first rpg post in the URPG.

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The sky was clear and a perfect blue, the sun hit the top of the tree's and pieced theyre many leafs creating pillars of light in the shadowy forest. As Jamie and his Aipom passed along the rather clear and sunny path, Jamie walking clamly along the path admiring the beautiful tranquility the seemingly desserted forest seemed to offer while his Aipom swung from branch to brunch on the trees which lined the edge of the path.

Jamie looked up at his Aipom who had suddenly stopped and he was not suprised to see the cheeky monkey stuffing his face with a couple of Oran berries it had stumbled across, Aipoms mouth was now lined in a blue juice from the messy way the pokemon was attacking, not eating but attacking, the berry.

"Aipom come on down here, if you keep eating all the berrys we come across in this forest the pokemon that live here wont have anything to eat"

Aipom finished the berry it had just taken a bite from and lept straight onto Jamies shoulder where it wiped its mouth clear of the blue juice, Jamie now pulled out his pokedex and looked around into the shadow dense parts of the forest.

"I wonder what pokemon there are here Aipom, I think its about time we caught a pokemon to join our group, dont you?" Aipom proceeded to bouce up and down on his shoulder causing him to stumble to the side.

"Aipom nock it off, I am gonna use the pokedex to check what kind of pokemon would normally live in this forest" the pokedex beeped the moment he opened the white machine.

"Burmy the Bag worm pokemon, when Burmy are attacked they fix theyre protective blanket with whatever material is around them"

Jamie looked infront of him and almost perfectly camouflaged infront of him hanging from a branch was the pokemon, it had a coat of leafs around it, he smiled at the sight of the pokemon, this was exactly what he was hoping for, a good and easy capture for his first.

"Aipom lets get this pokemon, it will be the perfect first catch!" he said and as he did Aipom leapt from his shoulder and landed on his taail infront of him looking up at the Burmy in the tree which had just noticed Jamie and his Aipom.

"Aipom use Scratch" Jamie commanded and as he said this Aipom lept up into the air and then swung his tail hand at the burmy to land a scratch attack, but the burmy was too quick, it let go of the branch and started falling towards the bush at the base of the tree.

"Aipom quickly again!" Jamie said now starting to worry but he had no need, Aipom was a fast pokemon and it swung its tail for a second time and managed to catch the back of the Burmy's head, it swung fell forward and landed on the ground where all of the leafs it had on its body fell apart and left the little bagworm pokemon looking rather naked and fragile.

"Ok now its my turn, Poke ball go!" He threw a red and white coloured ball as he said this, as the ball span through the air, the bag worm pokemon looked up at the ball and in a flash of light it was surounded in some sort of green transparent barrier.

"Wow thats a protect, did you see that Aipom?" but he didnt get a reply, he looked round to where Aipom had been moments before to see Aipom again stuffing himself stupid with another berry, this time a Razz bery.

"Aipom how about not now! you can have some berries in a minute but for now we have to battle this pokemon!" Aipom looked around at these words and then searched the area with its eye's and shrugged and finished its berry in one giant mouthful.

Jamie looked around to the spot that Burmy had used protect and now saw nothing but a single remaining leaf that Burmy had forgotten, his head falling as did his mood Jamie fell backwards into a sitting position, as he did this he noticed the bush move slightly right behind the forgotten leaf.

"Aipom use swift on that bush now!" Aipom jumped into the air and used swift as it span round releasing a shower of golden stars from its now glowing golden yellow tail.

As the golden starts hit the bush there was a puff of smoke and the deffinate sound of something being hit by the attack, Jamie wasnt going to miss his chance this time and as he stood up he took out his pokeball and threw it into the bush without a seconds hesitation. As the smoke cleared he could see the most of the pokeball shaking from side to side which meant that a pokemon was inside trying to escape from the ball.

The pokeball was flashing and beaping as it shook and as he watched it Jamie was feeling less and less certain the pokemon would be cuaght, then came something he didn expect as the ball bleeped one last time to show the pokemon had been succesfully caught he saw the burmy from before crawl back into the scene.

It was looking for something and as it wriggled around the scene it looked over at the forgotten leaf and its eyes became creaced with a smile and it pulled the leaf back onto its body.

Jamie didnt know what to make of this as he knew that he had caught a pokemon in his pokeball, Jamie took a step to go forward and as he did this the Burmy saw him and it fled from the scene as fast as it could but Jamie was more interested at to what was in his pokeball, he bent down and picked it up and pressing the button on the front of the ball let out the pokemon within.

Aipom watched curiously from a branch above his trainers head and when the beam of red light which had escaped from the open ball encased Jamies head, Aipom let out a cry of fright and jumped down onto Jamies shoulder, but mid jump the red beam took form and he landed gently on Jamies shoulder.

The pokemon which had been in the bush as Aipom's swift hit it, the pokemon which had been struggling to escape from the pokeball and the pokemon which was now hugged cutely around Jamie's, its new trainers, head was nothing more and nothing less than a sweet adorable Wurmple.

Jamie smiled widely as he saw its big yellow eyes staring gently into his own, he had always loved Wurmple ever since that one sprind in his own back garden, there had been a nest of Wurmple living in the tree they had. It pleased Jamie to no end when he went out one morning to play on the sing only to find about 6 Wurmple's all already swinging, but not from the swing but from the tree.

"Your a Wurmple, I cant beleive it my very own Wurmple!" Jamie shouted in sheer joy at catching, however accidental his first pokemon and it be a Wurmple, as Jamie yelled this the wurmple smiled and shot a string shot at his face, it wrapped all over his face, shaking his head free of the web he placed his Wurmple down on the ground, then placing Aipom next to it he took a step backwards and looked at the two of them standing there.

"Wow you guys are my first to ever pokemon this is so amazing, none of the books my mum bought me ever explained the feeling of catching your first pokemon right, this is the best thing ever!"

As Jamie looked at his first two team members, they were talking to each other and getting along very well it seemed when out of no where a streak of brown and white cascade across the scene knocking Wurmple over and causing her to roll into a nearby tree where a small lump started to grow on its head, Jamie looked up in horror and saw a Starly doing a U turn in the sky to come down for another attempt at its desired lunch.

"Wurmple return!" Said Jamie as the red beam from the pokeball hit the Wurmple, now with swirls in its eyes, and pulled it back to the pokeball and to safety, Starly flew almost straight into the tree but swerving its wing to the side it managed to just miss the tree but it could not escape the bush next to the tree.

"Hey Starly, you cant just go around picking on helpless pokemon like that" Said Jamie but wether the pokemon heard him or not it flew out from the bush and made a dash towards the pokeball in Jamies hand.

"You really have it in for Wurmple dont you, Ok then lets try it, Lets go Wurmple!" Jamie called out but as he did Aipom let out a scream of fright and jumped infront of the worm pokemon as if to protect it from the bird pokemon, which had made a fresh attack on its target.

"Aipom Swift" and as it was called so it was done, Aipom waved its tail letting out a flurry of stars everywhere into the air which surrounded Starly and stopping it from moving.
"Wurmple get on Aipoms tail and Aipom throw Wurmple at the Starly" his pokemon looked at him as if he was mad but he gave them both an encouraging smile and nodd, the pokemon did as they were told and as the stars finally faded away after giving Starly a hit, Wurmple was flying through the air towards the bird.

"Use Tackle!" and again as Jamie called the attack the pokemon did as it was commanded and it lowered its head at its enemy, the Starly not able to do anything to counter was hit squarely in the chest by the flying Wurmple and looking slightly dazed fell backwards.

Wurmple landed on Aipoms open tail hand and they both turned to face the Starly again, before Starly could hit the floor it had turned and given its wings a flap, it was now heading straight for Wurmple and Aipom about to use, to the best of Jamies knowledge a wing attack.

"Wurmple String shot!"

"Wurmple" Said the pokemon in a soft voice as it let out a jet of slik towards the bird pokemon, it slowed down as it flew towards them, the silk weighing it down slightly.

"Aipom Scratch!" Aipom leapt forward with awesome speed and slashed its tail at the bird pokemon which fell to the ground.

Thinking quickly Jamie did the first thing which came to his mind, he took out another one of the pokeballs he had been given and threw it at the small starling pokemon infront of him.

The pokeball his the Starly on the back, this time however unlike as it had done with Wurmples capture the pokeball flashed shut almost imdiately.

Jamie and his pokemon let out sighs of relief as they realised they had defeated the pokemon, then it hit Jamie and then Aipom and then finally Wurmple that they had just CAPTURED the pokemon.

"Thats my second capture" Jamie said lamely as he picked up the pokeball, not sure if he was fine with this capture, he loved the bird pokemon normally but he had to take Wurmples feelings into account first and foremost.

"Wumrple if you arent ok with this Starly traveling with us then I will send it back to my parents but if you think you would be fine with it, which I hope you are then we'll take him along but we will lay down strict rules about what is food and what is a friend" he said knealing down infront of Wurmple.

The pokemon looked up into his eyes and then at the pokeball, it blinked a couple of times and then nodded looking up into her trainers eyes with a smile on her face.

Jamie released the Starly, still covered in silk, from the pokeball.
"Ok Starly listen up!" Said Jamie standing powerfully over the Starling with his pokemon either side of him, looking just as impressive, if it wasnt for the height difference.

"Your going to be traveling with us and with our help you can become alot stronger but this is only going to happen if you can tell the difference between food" Jamie held out some pokemon food, "And a friend" Jamie indicated Wurmple.

Starly blinked up at him, then to Wurmple and then at the pokemon food, letting go of its stubborn and mean dispossion and smiled kindly at Jamie then nodded to the Wurmple then with a little Hop forward it took a couple of bites of pokemon food.

"There ya see, we will get on great and youll see all three of you will become fantastic pokemon and we will all grow together" Jamie said pulling the bits of silk off of Starly's head.



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Pokemon in question of being captures
Wurmple and Starly

Elrond
02-23-2008, 02:43 PM
I'm going to be grading this one.

I know, everyone's going to start yelling stuff like, "YAY JUSTIN'S BACK!!!!" or something to that effect...

THEY ARE, AREN'T THEY???????????

But I'd like to stay on the inactive list, if you don't mind. Vacation's almost over, so, almost back to no time... time.

Introduction:

It was nice, I must say. Not great, but pretty good for your first ever URPG story. You included some good description of the setting and told us a little about the character. What you forgot to mention, however, was what the character actually looked like. It’s hard for a reader to get into a story that doesn’t include a visual description of the main character, because then they can’t see what that character is doing in their mind’s eye.

There are a few different ways of introducing your character’s appearance, but for now you should probably stick to just describing him in the very first scene of the story. Make sure you include as much description of him as possible. What I did like about your introduction was that you showed us Aipom’s personality, by making him eat the berries ravenously, and also gave Jamie a more down-to-earth personality to contrast with that. Remember it’s always important to include both sides of the spectrum when describing characters: what you can see, and what you can’t.

Story/Plot:

Unfortunately, your plot was rather bland and unoriginal. Don’t worry too much for now, as this is your first story, but as you move up in the URPG, you’re going to need more original, exciting plots. You won’t know it yet, but most beginner stories around here are pretty much exactly the same as yours: Trainer goes into forest, finds Pokémon, and captures said Pokémon (or tries to, anyway).

Just do a bit more thinking before you write your stories, so you can make sure to include and exciting, original plot with more plot twists and suspense.

Detail/Description:

You had bits and pieces of detail scattered about your story, most notable at the very beginning and very end. This is going to have to change once you start going for higher level Pokémon. There needs to be description everywhere in your story, for a number of reasons. I think I came up with a rather long monologue once, but I’ll condense it here.

1) It allows the reader to see exactly what’s going on. This is important, because, if the reader doesn’t know what’s going on, they’re not going to be very interested in reading any further.

2) It slows down the action. In some ways, this is even more important than reason one. If you don’t include description, the story just flies by, leaving the reader confused as to what just happened. By including copious descriptions, you allow the reader time to digest everything that’s happening.

3) It gives quite a boost to the length of your story.

Grammar/Spelling:

To be blatant, your grammar really did have a few major flaws. I’m pretty picky, but keep in mind that grammar doesn’t count for too much as far as stories go, unless there are big problems that keep recurring. In your case, it was run-on sentences that really brought the story down.

Look here;

"Aipom Swift" and as it was called so it was done, Aipom waved its tail letting out a flurry of stars everywhere into the air which surrounded Starly and stopping it from moving.


This is really just a long sentence, and needs more punctuation so the reader has time to stop and breathe. Now look at how the sentence should be constructed:

“Aipom, Swift.” As it was called, so it was done. Aipom waved its tail, letting out a flurry of stars everywhere in the air, which surrounded Starly and stopped it from moving.

Now, let me walk you through the corrections, which you’ll see in bold.

1) Whenever you address anything, Aipom in this case, you need to include a comma before or after their name, depending on where it falls in the sentence.
“Mary, please take out the garbage.”
“Please, Mary, take out the garbage.”
“Please take out the garbage, Mary.”
2) Normally, the quotation would need a comma at the end of itself. In this case, however, you would put a period at the end because the quotation by itself is a sentence.
3) Because the quotation is a separate sentence from the rest of the paragraph, the next sentence should not have started with “And.”
The rest of the changes in the paragraph had to deal with comma usage. You need to be able to discern between where you should put a comma, and where you should put a period for the proper pauses in the text.

The last error in this paragraph was a discrepancy between the words “stopping” and “stopped.” This type of error has to do with verb tense. “Stopping” is in the present tense, meaning it is happening right now. However, “stopped” is the correct word to use here because you are telling the story as if it has already happened, or in the past tense.

The rest of your mistakes were probably simple typos. However, there were quite a few of them, which shows me that you really didn’t go through and edit as much as you should have.

Length:

For an Easiest-category ‘mon and a Simple-category ‘mon, 11K is just about perfect, though I might have liked it a bit longer. Try including descriptions and your length will go much higher.

Battle:

This part is probably what you need to work on the most. No matter what Pokémon you’re using and what Pokémon you’re going up against, there always needs to be some kind of a two-sided battle (unless, perhaps, you’ve got a Salamence against a Wurmple, but if you ever tried to do that I’d call foul and tell you to go back and do it again with a different Pokémon). However, in your battle against Wurmple, Aipom used just one attack and the bug Pokémon was caught. That’s another URPG no-no. Never say a Pokémon was caught. That’s my job.

Your battle against Starly was a bit better in my opinion, and more creative, as well. I liked how you made Aipom use Wurmple as a projectile. I could see the little thing flying off into the air… but I digress. However, it still seemed as though the battle was a bit one-sided, and I don’t think you even let Starly get an attack in. Work on that for next time; it makes the battle more exciting.

Always remember to include copious descriptions of the attacks, as well. It makes them much more exciting, and makes it a lot more likely that you’ll catch the Pokémon.

Outcome:

You’re story was good, but definitely not at the level it needs to be for two Pokémon. I’d be quite content to say choose one, and it’s done. In other words, you keep whichever of the two you’d like for now, and then you can either let the other go, or edit your story using the suggestions I gave you, and then PM me for a re-evaluation.

Keep going, and have fun in the URPG!

Jay Star
02-23-2008, 04:05 PM
Thanks for the rating, yeah that was my first URPG story and the reason I caught both was because I wasnt sure which to catch lol

But now I have made my decisian to Keep Wurmple, I would also just like to say that normally I would write it in word or works and get a spell check grammer thing but the computer I am on now had to be wiped completely thanks to some worm virus (how Ironic I just caught a Worm pokemon lol) But we should be getting word back on here soon for me to sort that out ^^

Thanks alot for the rating I will do better next time ^^