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DrAgOn DrEaMeR
02-23-2008, 01:03 PM
This is my first story and I hope I get it right. I have almost always wanted to be a writer... So I am taking a break of my novel and trying this! I *hope* these stories will get me -some- feedback. This whole URPG thing is a cool idea and RM said it would be cool for me to do... I hope you enjoy this story!

Pokemon Aiming For: Misdreavous

(A daunting task- I know.)

Characters Needed: 20k+

Characters Achieved: 20, 107 (w/o spaces)
24, 995(w/ spaces)

Difficulty: Hard


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Angry 'Troll'

"Why me..." I muttered.

I was wearing my favorite blue jeans, a black t-shirt, I had my spiky black hair all ready, and I had my awesome black and white gloves. My pale blue eyes ruined my goth look though...I was walking in Dusa Valley to Kochima Town. I had come from Ionias Town. My home town. It was a small town that was on the coast. I remember falling to sleep by the sound of the waves… I always wanted to go to sea. Never have. I still want to though. It’s a dream I will always carry.

A time had come where I wanted to leave my home town. For a girl… She loved me… Well sort of…. You see… here. I will tell you a simple, simple story.

It all started in fourth grade. She liked me then. Then… A traveling trainer came from Sinnoh with his Mankey and showed us that he was very talented… He bragged more than anyone I’ve ever met. But she liked him. She liked his pokemon. She was a few pokemon, so I guess maybe that’s why. But still… I didn’t like it. Then she told me to be a trainer. I had no money or pokemon. I was worried. Me of all people too. A goth! OH well….

After that I went to our local professor. I wanted to become a trainer. I told him. He knew why and gave me an Eevee. That was a few hours ago. And now I was off! I was ready for a journey!

Dusk was falling down on the land around me, like darkness raining in sheets. Of course, me thinking that made it rain. The blue, azure heaven drops fell steadily down. "Splosh, splish." They said as they hit the earthen path around me. I was headed for town. The only town near here that is. Kochima Town. I had been traveling for a few days and by now, I was restless and tired. The woods were shadow like and scary to me as I walked alone with my pokemon in my pocket.

There was nothing but the grass around me and a few trees. The trees were leafy and hard to see through. They seemed to jump out towards the path I was on... But maybe I was hallucinating. or maybe both... The trees were a deep, dark green as was most of the wet valley. The mountains were all gravely and rough. The forest on the one side of him... Looked dark and forbidding. it's leaves were a shadowy color of green and there were spider webs dotting the forest all over.

If I looked far enough south I could see my hometown far off in the distance. There I had many wonderful memories of me and Alicia. I thought quietly to myself. She was so beautiful... I had always wished to marry her... But that was far off. And over that she was impressed by trainers. "And that’s how I became a trainer..." I mumbled. Now, I was stuck like this. In the dark, with rain falling down on me, while I had no close cover. I could run for the trees. But they were way too far off in an easterly or westerly direction. I didn't like being stuck... The valley was wet and dark now. Clouds surrounded me overhead. A dark haze was all over the valley.

The valley was a bowl. The bottom was a grassland full of a few elms and oaks on either side. And on one said, the spooky forest full of webs, pokemon, myths, and legends. Not something you'd want to go to. Not me at least. But was I normal? I didn't care though.... The actual cliff face was rocky and sandy. On one end was the ruins of Kochima, ancient and deserted. On the other his home town.

I hoped that one day I could quit being a trainer and become a painter. My only true passion was painting. I kept on not running off through the valley I was in- but calmly walking forward. I suddenly saw an movement in the closets tree to me- a few yards away. The dark tree was dripping wet- But it was shaking. Shaking like it was cold... I wondered if a pokemon was in it! I doubted it though... For only water pokemon and- No only water pokemon would come out now... I thought. The path was soon nothing but mud after a few more yards of my endless toil. Then again I heard a tree shake. This time it wasn't as gentle as before. I stopped, spun around and looked at it. The tree stopped shaking. I starched my sandy blond hair. "What could that be?"

Whatever the thing was it knew I was looking at it. It could see me. A stalker? I mused. But who would stock me... Well my mom had given me three thousand dollars... I mused the idea over. After a minute or so, I turned around and kept walking to Kochima Town. No one would stalk me. I decided. The large stone town was soon only a fifth of a mile away or so. The tall stone pillars pierced the dark and rainy sky. The ancient houses and pillars and buildings looked as if no one had lived there for years... No one had. Actually it had been over a century then a human had lived there. Most pass through and get out as soon as possible. Rumors have it that there are many ghosts there. But I never believed in ghosts. Now ghost pokemon were another matter. Ghosts. I wondered... Was the thing stalking me a ghost pokemon?

I whirled around quick on my fight. And there it was another small tree with rustling leaves. Then it stopped. I made a mad dash for the tree.

I flew at the tree my gloved hands in front of me. I saw a purple form come out of the bright, wet leaves. My hands flew at it. I wondered what this thing was. This it. This whatever it was. A ghost?

....

I missed.


The purple form became nothing and I... I hit the tree square on. I roared in pain. "OW!" I yelled. I'm sure it echoed over the valley. I couldn't move my ankle. The pain surged into my knee. I looked down. It was bleeding. The scarlet color sickened me. I tried to get up... But I failed miserably. Maybe Eevee could help! "Go Eevee!" I said into the air. A small cute, brown fox came out of the red and white orb I threw. It had a coat of brown and white fur and had two large black eyes that could pierce your heart. No wonder Alice had wanted to get this pokemon... He thought. He had only sent out Eevee one other time when they first started. He thought he'd save Eevee for emergencies. If this wasn't one...

Well it was...

It had to be...


The Eevee was tromping over the grass looking at the sky and the rain. Her eyes looked worriedly at the sky. "Eevee. It's fine. But I need help! Find help!" I repeated it a few times and finally she understood. She romped off towards the woods. And then it happened... The ghost I had seen earlier appeared! It was pink and purple all over. It had scarlet pearls all around its slim form and it had two wide, lovely eyes. The ghost was a Misdreavous! The last thing I could see was the Misdreavous using Psywave... the brilliant wave of colors crashed into me and I groaned in pain... I was attacked by a ghost. I groaned again at the blaring pain. I saw all the dark trees fade away.

Then I was unconscious.



I woke up a quite a while later. And I had a terrible head ache. I wondered why I was here... But I knew the stories of Misdreavous killing. Here, they were thought of as bad luck. And I was having a lot of bad luck even without the ghost-like critter. I bet they were bad luck... Though I wouldn't bet at all... Either way, I didn't like the fact I saw one. I sighed heavily. I was in a grim, sad mood.

"I have too many bad days..."

I was in a grim, dark room. There were many bricks around me. The cold seeped into the room and I felt afraid of the darkness. The Misdreavous appeared… She still looked as purple as ever… And as evil… I knew she was pure evil! Just by the way she looked… She charged up a Psywave. I thought I was done for… And then I saw my Eevee! She was imprisoned too… She valiantly came out from the dark spot she was in. “Good job Eevee! Use Bite!” I told her. She launched at the ghost. It hit… But there was a drawback… The Psywave hit Eevee and she fell to the floor with no energy. She must have fought the ghost before and now she couldn’t without more energy. The brilliant colors had also hurt me... Now it was getting personal. I know, I know you think I'm a jerk... I am not a jerk... Just not so loving. Not at this pint at least.

I wrapped my hands around my aching knee.

I hoped she was ok. And yet I doubted she would be. Her eyes looked cold and tired and void of life now. I hoped she would be ok… Suddenly the Misdreavous wheeled on me. I had no time to act… I was out cold again. Again....




This time when I woke up there were no ghost pokemon. Only me and Eevee. I looked at her. She seemed better now and rested. Darkness bitterly surrounded us. I knew she would have to be rested if we were to escape wherever we were. I leaned over to her… “This isn’t going to be fun… Just my luck…” I said. She seemed to know what I was saying! A pokemon was capable of speech?

I was still in the black dungeon. The cold stones were all around me. Under me, over me, around me... But there had to be a door amid the black rock walls... There had to be... The stones seemed damp and wet. Maybe it was always like this, maybe not. Either way it wasn't too inviting... Not in my mind at least. Not in anyone's mind that I knew.... Maybe the twisted ghost's mind though...

“Well then.. let’s find a stupid door.” I started to feel along the black, dreary wall for anything. I came upon a more scratchy feel. An uneven, hard feel. I felt along it and found a doorknob. I tried the doorknob. I mean don’t blame me I was very, very desperate. So truly, you can't blame me. Could you?


Unluckily, it was locked. “Eevee! Try to Tackle the door down!” The small fox charged at the door. The door must’ve been old because it splintered into a million pieces. We ran through into the hallway of a castle. The dark walls were full of paintings that crept me out. I spit my tongue out at them and I was relived when they did nothing. We walked over the damp floor and out of the hall and into a small room with a massive set of dark, vile looking stair steps. “Let’s go.” I told Eevee and we jumped the stairs two by two upwards to yet another old, locked door. “Eevee tackle!” He smashed it into a million pieces. This must be an old castle, I thought. My knee still hurt.... I grabbed it in pain.

"OW!" Now I was angry. Very, very angry. Rage was building up inside of me. Every second more and more built.

I don't bottle up my anger. So you see, some say I have anger issues. Maybe they should mind their own business. But I sdon't always say that- But I think it. Anyway....


When I looked out of the door I was shocked- and scared. A trollish pokemon and Misdreavous were in the door frame... Both looked ready to kill me and my Eevee. "Uh..." I spurted.

I knew they were going to kill me.

Why wouldn’t they? These were evil, destructive pokemon.

A Probopass and a Misdreavous were always evil in my mind…

“Probo!”

Apparently the Probopass was ranked over the Misdreavous because she nodded and the large rock troll left. I was somewhat happy. One thinhg was out of my way....

Leaving me to face a Misdreavous… Probopass...

Ate people.... I knew, a friend of mine had a very -well er- close encounter one day.... They had taken me here to be eaten! The Misdreavous had kidnapped me and put me in a dungeon to be eaten! What luck.... What luck....

“Eevee Bite!” He launched up at the ghost and bit her…

“Again!”

She hurt the ghost. The Misdreavous wasn’t attacking… Was she hurt?

I wondered if I should catch her… No. That wouldn’t work. But still… If I could…

Then she would be a good pokemon under my belt… The small ghost looked dangerously hurt by all the pounding I had given her…

Then it happened. She used Perish Song! “Mis mis misdreav drev ous!” An odd, dangerous melody fell over the room.

I knew that’s why the Probopass had left… He didn’t want to faint. “Eevee Bite again!” She dove at the ghost.

She clamped down- and this time the ghost used Psywave bouncing Eevee back at a wall. The frail form of the fox like pokemon was greatly hurt. “No! Eevee!” I called in a very sad tone. She was too hurt to keep fighting.

The struggling fox whimpered at me. “It’s ok…” I whispered. The Misdreavous didn’t look so happy to me… She stared at me with a dark smile painted on her wicked face. I scowled at her.

“WHY DID YOU HURT MY EEVEE! SHE COULD HAVE DIED!”

I screamed at her. It did nothing for her mood. She charged at me angrier than a bull.

“Get away!” I swung at her with my hand, trying to bat her away.

She dissipated into the air and came from behind me. “Stop! I don’t want to hurt you!” Then again I sort of did....

But I already had. It was too late.

She came in front of me all of a sudden. The ghost hovered in front of me by the black wall on the right side of me. But both walls were bleak and balck and cold and dark!

“Stop! Ah…AH!” I yelled falling down the stairs.

My ankle was soon going to be history…. I fell down the stairs bit by bit.

My back and legs hurt as if someone was stepping on them every time I hit a stair.

Finally I was at the bottom. I was lucky I hadn’t died. I thought.

My Eevee laid helpless at the top of the stairs with the Misdreavous…..

“Oh no…” I muttered. My poor new pokemon... I was sadder than I have ever been..
She was about to kill my helpless Eevee when the Perish Song came into effect. She was strained by a painful blast of reds and purples. Then my Eevee was too… She was only more hurt now! Yes... That was the downside...

“Eevee!”

I yelled at her.

Her form was limp. The Misdreavous was out cold-but my Eevee didn’t even seem to be breathing. I saw the massive Probopass in the door frame again and then suddenly a rock shot at me- and I was –yet again- out cold.

When I was awake I was in a large room with a large golden throne. Probopass was on it ready to kill anyone in sight I was sure... He looked at me as I was sprawled on the marble floor with my Eevee and the Misdreavous was floating hurt by the troll. "Angry troll..." I thought. He was going to kill someone. The room was covered in tapestries of blue and white and red and black. There were many columns and pillars around us shooting up into the roof of the castle's throne room. It was also marbled...

I wondered if they were going to reverse gravity... "I hope not..." I said.

The troll didn’t want to kill me though. Instead he wobbled over to me. His large orange nose almost made me laugh- but he was a strong pokemon… And I wasn’t going to mess with him.

He mumbled something and it seemed like he was saying, “You were brought here so we could eat you… But I guess you’re brave enough to get away a live…” I wondered if I could understand pokemon talk…

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
02-23-2008, 03:36 PM
At least a little bit of it. I thought. Then, the Misdreavous seemed to say, “Fight me… If you win. I’ll go with you from now on.” I thought it was a good idea. But I had lost to her every other time… I nodded. Hoping that was what she meant. Apparently they were going to eat me- but saw I was worthy of leaving them.

“OK, Misdreavous! Let’s get her Eevee!”

Now I ad to prove myself... What I did now was crucial., This was my first battle... I had to win. or catch the foe. That was the way I could prove myself to my Eevee. And I think it was the only way... I had to have my pokemon respect me. How else would he trust and love me? That was the way... I had to have a trusting pokemon... "Let's go Eevee!" I finally said. It was time to fight! I would catch a pokemon! And in a dreary castle too... Quite a cool setting.

The battle started. I felt a chill of terror and happiness rush through me. I was in a new fight. A much, much harder fight then I expected. Yet, it hadn't even started. Had it? Was she intimidating me?

“Go Eevee use Tackle!” The move failed utterly.

“It’s a ghost… DUMB ME!”

I said depressed.

I missed my chance to attack again. I seemed to miss everything.. Always. I sighed.

The ghost-like pokemon floated behind Eevee and used Psywave.

The small fox bounced off hitting a wall squarely. “Ee.” It said. I told Evee to use Bite.

“Go use Bite!” She dove at the ghost. The Misdreavous was hit! It floated down to the ground and used Astonish.

Luckily, my little Evee evaded it by luck- it slipped on the marble and rammed into the Misdreavous.

“Go Eevee! Use Sand-attack!” Sand started to hit Misdreavous. While she was being pelted with sand, I told Eevee to bite her from behind.

“Bite!” I yelled franticly.

The brown fox jumped behind the preoccupied ghost and bit her wispy hair.

“Again!” That was all I could utter while watching the fighting in the bright throne room where my fate was decided by this battle. Would I be eaten? Or would my Eevee save me? It was all on my Eevee's shoulders now....

Now though she was ready, she turned around and used Growl.

It merely slowed us down. I was so excited by a battle!

I may actually catch a pokemon! This was it! The chance I wanted. The chance I was waiting for! The chance! I chanted it over and over in my mind.

“Now go use Bite, see if you can get her!”

The Eevee made a dash behind her and bit her again! This time she couldn’t get the fast little fox and he had her! “Now use Tail Whip!” I said. I was getting more and more excited- I had forgotten how ineffective normal moves were on ghosts… It failed and I missed yet another chance. She wheeled on Eevee and used Perish Song!

“Not again…”


“Use Bite and quick!”

We had only a few turns left…

She used a Psywave knowing soon we’d both faint.

I had to be creative… What could I do? I had two turns.

I gritted my teeth. “Quick Attack!” I said.

He smashed into her while she tried to attack. No damage was done, but my speed was up…

“Now finish her Bite and quick!” The fox jumped at the levitating ghost. “Come on…”

The Probopass grunted at the ghost she turned to him… He seemed to tell her… ‘Goodbye.’ The fox bit the distracted ghost! She fainted. “YES! We did it Eevee!” But he slumped on the ground tired from his day’s work.

“It’s ok…” I assured. I took out his small red and white orb and returned him.

“Go Pokeball!” I threw another orb at the small, hurt ghost. The ghost was sucked into the pokeball.

The pokeball wobbled once… twice… THREE TIMES! I had caught the pest! “Ya!” I said.

Probopass seemed to smile. He wasn't going to eat me. He seemd to say, "YOU ARE WORTHY!" In a rumbling, rocky voice. And I was happy about that. I was not troll-food. I almost laughed- But we goths tend NOT to do that. Ecspecailly not in public. Now I had to get back on the path. How would I do that? I mean sure I could walk through the spooky forest... But I didn't want to.

and used a Rock Tomb to catch me into a rocky tomb. The tomb seemed to move… It rumbled out of the tall, giant castle. The rock was carggy and brown and rocky... But that was all I saw besides the same kind of rock under my hurting, aching knees. "Great..."

Now, I wouldn’t know how to get back to the castle... But I would eventually. I had to... I just simply had to... But would I? I wanted to, but how much strenght did I really have?

“Oh well…” I sighed. “I know I’ll come back and get you Probopass!”

I said to myself. When the rocky tomb was gone I was back on the path.

“I need to heal my pokemon…” I muttered. I was on the start of my first journey. But I still had many journeys to come. Plus, there is a little bit more to this inglorious shameful tale.

I saw a nice Nurse Joy dressed in the usual pink and white outfit coming down the dusty path. It was sunny now and I could clearly see her. "Hello, can you... Well help me?" She looked at me when she vcame up. She saw me- she saw I was cut, hurt, and I had a broken ankle. "MY! We have to get you to a hospital before you... Well bleed to death!" She took a blue cell phone out of her long white apron and started dialing furiously a few numbers. "Hello?"

"Yes." She said.

...

"Come quick...."

...

"Yes? Doctor it IS an emergency! I have a cut and bleeding boy with a broken ankle!"

...

"Yes he is..."

...

"He is with me on the path from where you set up camp."

A traveling doctor! I thought in my mind.

"DOCTOR HE COULD BLEED TO DEATH!" She shouted at the slim phone.

...

"Good..."

...

"Now I will wait I'll use Blissey to help the young boy."

She pressed a small button on the phone and turned to me. "How did this happen?"

"I was kidnapped by a Misdreavous."

"O... That is quite rare. I heard they are bad luck..."

"They very well may be..."

"By the looks of you, yes they could!"

She reached into her white apron again, put her cell phone in and retrvieved a white and red orb.

"GO BLISSEY!"

She yelled it over the valley.

A large plump, pink fairy pokemon came out. It had curled ears and odd wings... But they weren't wings... As I saw after a few glances at it. "Heal Bell!" She said. A sound of delight crossed Sola's ears as the pain slowly faded.

"Now I will put you to sleep until the doctor comes. Sweet dreams.. Er.. What is your name?"

She held me, Sola in her soft, pale arms and propped him up on a near tree.

"Sola..." I said in a groan-like voice.

"What a quaint name." She smiled- But I doubt she meant it to a punk like me.

Maybe she did like me? But I didn't care.

She seemed to pull out an odd mask from her apron. (I called it the Apron of Whimsy... It had everything!)

She put the green steely mask on me and I started to drift into a dreamless, forced sleep... Which I needed!

You can't blame me!


I was awakened later to see a stunned doctor while I was in or on (Whatever you want to say) a soft, white bed. It was nice. But the room was empty besides me, the bed, and the doctor. It was all white... Was I dead? I hoped not. Then I heard a voice…. The doctor had a sharp, black beard and had a sharp chin to match. He had an eagle like nose and wore spectacles.

"Hello?"

"Hi..." I said back.

"You are in Hurei Town. We had to transport you from the camp at Ionias Town."

"Thats my home town..." I groaned.

"We know... But you were hurt to badly for them to handle... SO here you are! Its good you are still alive! You can leave tommorow."

"Uh..."

"Get some sleep."

I shut my eyes tight and drifted off once again....

When I was awake again… I was dressed in my usual goth clothes…

“Good…”

I still was in the blanketed white bed though. I got up and looked out the open door to my room. I started to sneak out the door and into the long hall behind it.

I ran through all the white halls. I was a blur to all the fancy, dressed up doctors. I whizzed here and there and then there again. Finally I found myslef in a large lobby full of people. There were many oddities in the group. In saw many lavish, scarlet chairs. Some seated odd people and others sick people. I saw the marble floor below me. A few plants crowded the corners and other plants were a few placed near the large, tall windows. I saw a roaring fireplace at the far end of the room. IT had a few clocks and pictures on it. On the other end of the room, past even more chairs, plants, and crying kids, I saw a sleek, steel elevator door. By the elevator was a small, wooden desk with a large banner over it with red painted words saying, "RECEPTIONIST". I had to escape. The lady at the desk was organizing a few neat, white papers. She had on a long pink dress with vivid flowery patterns and designs.

She saw me.

"HELLO?" She yelled across the busy room.

I gently weaved. She made a stern look with her cold, blue eyes. She motioned for me. But Misdreavous apparently had only acted as if I had caught it. "Great..." I mumbled. The purple and red ghost popped out of my pocket ina dazzling light. She was floating away.

"Bite!" I said throwing my Eevee out of its pokeball in a red light. The small, puffy fox appeared a foot away from the ghost. A few guests wailed in terror. Some shrieked or yelled. More attention... Great...

The fox bit the ghost though. It was time to actually catch her. ACTUALLY CATCH HER... The words blared through my mind. I trotted over the marble floor to the battle.

The Misdreavous used Shadow Ball... But it passed through the Eevee so that we could continue on with the battle.

I scoffed. "Eevee! Use Sand Attack!"

Sand flew into the escaped ghost's eyes. She was angry. She used Psywave. A light flashed into the fox. Eevee recoiled from the light.

"Now use Quick Attack!" It didn't hit her. She used Psychic- and Eevee was lifted. "NOW USE BITE!" Eevee was quick.

He flew at her with a flashy light around him and bit her... He dropped onto the floor. Both were still frisky. I gritted my pearly teeth.

The ghost used Psywave at Eevee gain. She dashed away... But the fox was still hit. The ghost wasn't done. It used Confuse Ray. Eevee was hitting hereslef on chairs and walls and windows. All the while, the ghost laughed. But she wasn't done still!!

She used Perish Song.

I was doomed. "Use Tackle!"

I forgot about ghosts and normals. The fox dashed through the ghost after finally becoming unconfused.

2 turns left... The Misdreavous did nothing....

"Use Bite again!" It was all I thought of in the rushing fight.


The ghost was bitten once again. He was hurt. "Now Eevee finish him! Use Bite!" The small fox bit the ghost one last time and the ghost fell limp on the floor. Now I would REALLY have him.

"Go pokeball!"

The red and white orb launched at the ghost...

"Come on..."

~~~

Ready for grade!


TARGET POKEMON: Misdreavous

I hope I get it... I worked so hard at this. If I don't... ;;

Anyway, its 20k+ now. Sadly though it included the [I]'s and [B]'s and stuff like that.

Anyway...

EmBreon
03-06-2008, 07:25 PM
Hi

Story/Plot: At first, this story seemed to be a traditional “randomly happens upon Pokémon” plot. It certainly started out that way, but you managed to shift it into something much more original, which made the story a nice read.

A couple things confused me, though. One of them was the entire history behind this ‘castle’ that Misdreavous supposedly took you to. Your character simply woke up there, and found himself in a bit of a mess, one issue being the fight with Misdreavous, a second being the whole run-in with Probopass. We find out later that they intended on eating you, but why? I don’t really understand the purpose or reason behind two random Pokémon planning to feast on human in what seems like some kind of random castle in another dimension. It was a pretty intriguing concept, I’ll admit, I’m just trying to shed light on the fact that this didn’t make too much sense to me, and I was left a bit confused when I finished reading. :oops:

You could expand this much more than what it is right now. Perhaps slow down a bit when your character is actually inside the castle? Take the time to explain what he is doing there, how he got there, what the Probopass and Misdreavous were doing there, why they let him go, and you could go on for ages with this. :P

This story has loads of potential, and you could add plenty of twists in here to make it more fun and interesting. And, I can tell by how you have written this that you are certainly capable of coming up with some new ideas to really turn this into a greater story.

Grammar/Spelling: This was a bit sketchy. Several high and low points throughout the story, but for the most part you have pretty nice grammar.

Something I noticed was that you used ellipses (…) quite a bit throughout this story, and mostly when they were unneeded. You mainly want to use these if you are wanting to emphasize 1) and unfinished thought, 2) a sentence you wish to have trail off, or 3) a strong pause in speech or in general. Now, these aren’t the absolute and only reasons to use them, but they are certainly the most common. The problem with using ellipses so repetitively is that they lose their impact, and actually become a bit annoying if the reader is repeatedly pausing through your story at places where a pause is unnecessary.

My back and legs hurt as if someone was stepping on them every time I hit a stair. Finally I was at the bottom. I was lucky I hadn’t died. I thought.

Your character has a lot of thoughts through this. Most of them beginning, or ending in “I thought.” The best way to show that they are thoughts, and not part of the narration is to italicize them and treat them like quotes:

My back and legs hurt as if someone was stepping on them every time I hit a stair. Finally, I was at the bottom. I am lucky to be alive, I thought.

The last thing I’d like to mention here is that several of your paragraphs have too much going on in them. A new paragraph should begin when a new person (or Pokémon) speaks, or a new idea begins. To put it simply: if you begin to talk about something different, a new paragraph should begin.

We’ll look at this one:

“Eevee Bite!” He launched up at the ghost and bit her… “Again!” She hurt the ghost. The Misdreavous wasn’t attacking… Was she hurt? I wondered if I should catch her… No. That wouldn’t work. But still… If I could… Then she would be a good pokemon under my belt… The small ghost looked dangerously hurt by all the poundings I had given her… Then it happened. She used Perish Song! “Mis mis misdreav drev ous!” An odd, dangerous melody fell over the room. I knew that’s why the Probopass had left… He didn’t want to faint. “Eevee Bite again!” She dove at the ghost. She clamped down- and this time the ghost used Psywave bouncing Eevee back at a wall. The frail form of the fox like pokemon was greatly hurt. “No! Eevee!” I called in a very sad tone. She was too hurt to keep fighting. The struggling fox whimpered at me. “It’s ok…” I whispered. The Misdreavous didn’t look so happy to me… She stared at me with a dark smile painted on her wicked face. I scowled at her. “WHY DID YOU HURT MY EEVEE! SHE COULD HAVE DIED!” I screamed at her. It did nothing for her mood. She charged at me angrier than a bull. “Get away!” I swung at her with my hand, trying to bat her away. She dissipated into the air and came from behind me. “Stop! I don’t want to hurt you!” But I already had. It was too late. She came in front of me all of a sudden. “Stop! Ah…AH!” I yelled falling down the stairs. My ankle was soon going to be history…. I fell down the stairs bit by bit. My back and legs hurt as if someone was stepping on them every time I hit a stair. Finally I was at the bottom. I was lucky I hadn’t died. I thought. My Eevee laid helpless at the top of the stairs with the Misdreavous… “Oh no…” I muttered.

@_@

Fixing that up, it should resemble something like this:


“Eevee, Bite!” He launched up at the ghost and bit her. “Again!” She hurt the ghost.

The Misdreavous wasn’t attacking. Was she hurt? I wondered. Should catch her? No, that wouldn’t work. But still… If I could, then she would be a good Pokemon under my belt.

The small ghost looked dangerously hurt by all the pounding I had given her. Then it happened; she used Perish Song!

“Mis mis misdreav drev ous!” An odd, dangerous melody fell over the room.

I knew that’s why the Probopass had left; he didn’t want to faint. “Eevee Bite again!”

She dove at the ghost. She clamped down, and this time the ghost used Psywave, bouncing Eevee back at a wall. The frail form of the fox-like Pokemon was greatly hurt.

“No! Eevee!” I called in a very sad tone. She was too hurt to keep fighting. The struggling fox whimpered at me. “It’s okay,” I whispered.

The Misdreavous didn’t look so happy to me. She stared at me with a dark smile painted on her wicked face.

I scowled at her. “WHY DID YOU HURT MY EEVEE?! SHE COULD HAVE DIED!” I screamed at her.

It did nothing for her mood. She charged at me angrier than a bull.

“Get away!” I swung at her with my hand, trying to bat her away.

She disappeared into the air and came from behind me.

“Stop! I don’t want to hurt you!” But I already had. It was too late.

She came in front of me all of a sudden.

“Stop! Ah…AH!” I yelled, falling down the stairs. My ankle was soon going to be history. I fell down the stairs bit by bit. My back and legs hurt as if someone was stepping on them every time I hit a stair. Finally I was at the bottom. I am lucky to be alive, I thought.

My Eevee lay helpless at the top of the stairs with the Misdreavous.

“Oh no,” I muttered.


You could use some more descriptions of what’s going on here, since it’s mostly dialogue, but for the most part, it would look like this.

Detail/Description: Pretty darn good, I think. I could see a lot of what happened during the story. And, you did do a nice job describing Misdreavous herself, but I think you put all of your focus on the characters and not enough on everything else. While I could see the plot play out before me, I couldn’t see what was happening around it. It was mostly just a blur with the occasional descriptive sentence you would throw in every so often.

For this particular story, I would put some more attention on scenery, especially when you go to explain what the castle looks like. When I’m into writing things, I try to describe things figuratively, or comparing them to other things. Technically they are called metaphors or similes, and I find them a pretty effective way to bring visual and detail into a story.

For example: Her fingers were as cold as ice when she shook his massive hand.
Or: The branches of the oak tree reached out like a spider web as they tried to soak up enough sunlight to soothe every single leaf.

Or something like that. :P

It’s your story, and you can describe things however you see fit. I just suggest that you describe more.

Length: This was about 10k short of what you should be aiming for. :oops: Character limits aren’t set in stone, and I have seen captures for stories shorter than the ‘requirement’. But to pull that off, every aspect of your story needs to be practically flawless. And while this story was indeed good, I just don’t quite see it on the level of one that would be able to pass with such a lack in length…

Battle: Lots of these, and they were all two-sided and thought out rather well. You also did a good job in remembering that Normal attacks do not affect Ghost types, however, you did allow a Ghost type move (Shadow Ball) to hit Eevee, which should have also failed. Ghost and Normal types are resistant to each other.

Really, the only problem I had with this was, again, the lack of detail. The battle is very important, and you really want to make sure that you make it as exciting and visual as you possibly can. This is how you end your story, and you want to go out with a punch.

Outcome: I know this is your first story, but Misdreavous is in the Hard category, so it’s a tough call. Most importantly, you should up your length to fit the suggested requirement, as well as neaten out some of these paragraphs that are packed together. Keep trying to add as much detail as you can, and then I think this story would be good to go. So, for now I’m going to have to say, Misdreavous not captured.

Don’t give up, you’re almost there. :]

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-06-2008, 10:19 PM
Thanks!

I have redone it and now its about 15k so how is it now EmBreon?

Sorry to bug you...

Its about 19k without spaces. ^^

WARNING:

I edited MOST of the story. :PPPPP

Thanks in advance-

EmBreon
03-07-2008, 05:44 AM
This is making good progress. :]

You did do a lot of editing, and it is certainly looking better. However, Misdreavous takes a lot of effort, and I don't really think this story is quite there yet. You really want to get some more length in this; it is still below what is expected for it, and it always helps to give the Grader something less to debate about.

You could add length in plenty of places. I could see it happening most towards the beginning of your story, before your trainer meets Misdreavous for the first time, since it happens a bit abruptly in my opinion. But it is up to you in the end.

I also suggest that you focus more on detail. Even with the edit, I didn't see much difference here. :oops: You did really well with it in the beginning, but as the story progressed, I saw less and less of it. Keep this near your top priority.

Other than that really, I think you're just about there. It's really close, but I'm still going to have to say Misdreavous not captured. I think one more edit spree and the ghost will be yours. :3

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my initial grade that you don't want to claim that your Pokemon has been captured. It's supposed to be a mystery until the grade is given. :P Just end it with the Poke Ball simply wiggling or flash scenes.

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-08-2008, 06:28 PM
Thanks!

I edited the whole thing again and finally its 20k+. Thanks so much Em. I think you're really nice. :)

Now I am ready for a regrade... (Again...)

Thanks in advance-

EmBreon
03-08-2008, 07:53 PM
Much better. :3

You pretty much fixed everything I pointed out, it's long enough, the details improved a lot since your first version, and it's your first story. One + one + one + one = Misdreavous captured!

You did a nice job with this story. I think it turned out very well. I would suggest, however, that you get some more experience writing for this and lower levels before you try for anything harder. You'll know when you're ready.

Congrats, and have fun with your new ghost. :cool:

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-09-2008, 02:15 PM
Thanks!~

Sorry though-

I already started a fic for Togepi. :P

(Don't worry it will be about 20k before its ready.

Anyway thanks!