View Full Version : A New Start!!!

04-25-2005, 01:02 PM
Our story begins in a little town in Australia.Joel had just got his starter pokemon charmander and his inheritence off his father.He was ready for a new start.Joel said his goodbye's to his relatives and friends and had set off on his journey.He had now reached viridian forest and had his mind set on the next city pewter city.
He was starting to interact with his new best friend charmander well.They had not yet encountered any pokemon yet so Joel let out his charmander to keep him company.Joel talked to charmander and he felt like he understood his pokemon well.Joel really felt that he had connected with his pokemon and already felt like he could trust his pokemon with his life.
"charmander return" Joel called to give his pokemon a rest.Joel continued his journey and found his way to the end of the forest "finally" he wispered under his breath just as an oddish poped out of the bushes
"wow an oddish"Joel shouted in amaizement.The oddish turned to Joel and just stood there looking.
"go charmander"Joel shouted as he threw a pokeball in the air.
"charmander charr charr" said Joel's prized pokemon
"charmander attack the oddish with a scratch" Joel hollered the orders
"charr" said the pokemon as he charged at the oddish with claws bareing.
Oddish flew back as he was hit by charmander.
Oddish slowly got to its feet as it released its poisonpowder
"watch out charmander use your flamethrower" Joel warned his pokemon as the powder was fired.
charmander opened its mouth ajar as a roaring flame came firing through the powder and made contact with the oddish
"great hit charmander, now your mine oddish" said Joel as he threw a pokeball at the oddish who laid uncounsious.
The pokeball connected with the oddish and the ball opened up and in went the oddish.
"yeh oddish is mine" Joel said triumphantley as he went over to pick up the pokeball with his new pokemon inside.
he bent down and reached for the ball just as it shuddered and started to wriggle......

hope u like my first story :oops:

04-25-2005, 01:27 PM
kool!!! i love it can we have or i have a follow on please!!??

04-25-2005, 01:45 PM
....well i was going to do it tommorow but ill do a little bit
POP! the ball flew open and the oddish sprang out of the ball as if it had not been injured.
"wow this little guy wants to put up a fight, your not done yet charmander" Joel spoke amazed by the courage of the oddish.
the oddish started to charge at charmander.
"charmander brace yourself" Joel warned his pokemon.
as oddish launched a full scale tackle at charmander.
crack! a massive collision as oddishes head slamed into the body of charmander.
charmander stumbled back and stood still for a minute while he gathered his breath.
"charmander are u ok? Joel asked his pokemon.
charmander nodded in assurance.
the oddish lined up his foe charmander again as it planned to launch another tackle.
"charmander here it comes again give it another flamethrower"
Joel gave the orders to his pokemon.
Charmander stood there in a trance eyeing down the oddish as it charged at him then just before contact was made, a huge torrent of flames launched from charmanders mouth.
The oddish was caught of gaurd as the flames engulfed the pokemon.
"yeh great hit charmander" Joel said congratulateing his pokemon.
"alright lets give it another go" joel said as he lauched another pokeball at the oddish.
it dissappeared into the ball as it connected on its head.
The ball shook onece..twice..three times did it lock?

Tamer San
04-25-2005, 02:01 PM
Story- Well, I couldn't find it interesting at all, you simply found the Oddish and faught it wanting to capture it, no plot no elemnt of excitement and elemnt of trouble in your story, try to be much more creative like "helping a town from an evil Pokemon attacking it" or something. Also, you could have lengthened it WAY much more, this is too short even with the follow up. Add more details, describe your home town better, your appearance, your family, your past and background, the way you got Charmander, the look of Charmander, feelings of everyone, the nature and the sceneries, this will make the story much better, longer and exciting. ^^

Grammer/Spelling- Nothing much in this section, you've done good in here, but a good grammer with bad story makes it looks bad grammer XD.

Reality- Yep, it can happen...

Battle- Battle is WAY too short and undescribed, just like the "Story" section, add length, details, and element of action in battles...enjoy them as if they were real.

OUTCOME- Oddish not captured...in a short lengthed story...sorry =\

04-25-2005, 02:17 PM
ok thanks ill try again tomorow :sad:
well at least my grammer was good lol :oops:
was it really that bad?