View Full Version : First Shock

02-24-2008, 12:00 AM
Targeted Pokemon:Mareep

Sapphire looked out the window. Flying type Pokemon were gliding past the school. The fresh green grass and multi-coloured flowers were swaying the in breeze. The classroom was dull, there were no sounds other than the frequent clicking of pens making contact with paper and the whirling of the fans.
Sapphire's tranquil thoughts were disturbed by her sixth grade teacher's harsh voice.
"Tomorrow, we will be studying electric Pokemon so you will all need to capture or bring your electric Pokemon to school tomorrow," The deafening bell rang in her ears as she grabbed her bag and hurried out the door. She was glad her stay in the cramped classroom was over. How can I find a Pokemon in a day?, Sapphire thought to herself.

Sapphire ran out of Flourama Primary School and towards the windmills nearby. Her light brown hair was being carried by the wind as she approached the bushes nearby. Sapphire suddenly halted behind a lush, Oran berry bush and crouched down. Holding her Pokeball, Sapphire allowed her Charmander to accompany her. The orange lizard stood on its hind legs, his tiny paws scratching the eggshell white stomach. The yellow and red flames on his tail were flickering in the cooling shade. Peeking out of the bushes, Sapphire spied a Pikachu curled in a ball. The yellow mouse was sleeping softly. Its red pouches on the his cheeks were moving in and out due to its breathing. The tail was black at the end half which was curled around its body. The half black ears were moving; listening for any approaching danger.

"The Pikachu is sleeping,its our chance to catch it," Sapphire told her Pokemon in a whisper, trying not to awake the yellow mouse. Charmander crept on all fours towards the Pikachu, trying to step softly through the flora blocking the way between him and the target. The Pikachu's slim ears twitched, making Charmander stop and crouch even lower, making his belly make contact with the ground. As Charmander was crawling even closer, he accidently stepped on a branch, making the delicate object snap in half. The noise woke the Pikachu who immediately spotted the bright red lizard from the surrounding plants.

"Charmander, use Flamethrower to stop it escaping," Charmander stood up on it's legs again and lean back as fire started to form in it's gaping mouth. The Pikachu started to sprint away but Charmander allowed the stirring flames to chase after the target. The mouse Pokemon looked back as it saw ruby red flames catching up but it was not going to give up. White light formed behind the Pikachu as it sped away to safety.

Charmander sat down on the fresh grass, disappointed in its loss.
"Don't worry, we will find another Pokemon," Charmander's head shot up, looking at his trainer with weary eyes before a confident smile crept onto its face. Charmander scanned the plains filled with life but there were no more electric types. The two trotted back to their home, their heads hang down and their eyes were dull, staring at the flora beneath them.

Sapphire slept soundly in her cosy bed when a thunder cracked loudly. The trainer wearily rubbed her light blue eyes when she noticed another yellow flash. Almost immediately, the dark green fir bursted into flames from the impact of the lightning. Sapphire lept out of bed, changed her clothing and rushed outside. Upon reaching outside, the smell of smoke immediately swept over to her. The cold breeze was slowly washing away the awful smell. All the trainers had already sent out their various water Pokemon to extinguish the wild flames. Sapphire was stunned by the sight of the blazing tree, all the leaves were burnt off and replaced with flames. Suddenly, a Pokemon cry distracted her.

The Pokemon was a yellow sheep covered in white wool exploding from its body. Horns which were white and yellow were on the side of its head, illuminated with electricity.

" A Mareep hey? Well then, Charmander, start out with Slash," Charmander charged at Mareep, his claws ready to strike. The Mareep stood it's ground, not moving an inch. Charmander reached the opponent and he used the smooth claws to swipe Mareep. The Mareep cried out in pain but before Charmander could move away, Mareep's body was surrounded by cracking electricity. The electricity was released in waves. Charmander tried jumping but the Discharge was too broad for him to dodge.

Charmander fell onto the ground after the Discharge surrounded and paralyzing him. Charmander's body still had some electricity surrounding him. The yellow lines was causing Charmander to be paralyzed, unable to move. Charmander opened his determined eyes but as he tried to stand up, he flinched and fell down.
'Return Charmander," Sapphire whispered to her Pokemon as she held out the red and white sphere.

Taking out her other Pokeball, Sapphire threw it high and a white light appeared. The light disappeared and her worm Pokemon was ready to fight.
"Caterpie, start out with String Shot and use the tree nearby to use a Tackle," Caterpie sprayed a thick layer of sticky strings around Mareep, stopping it from moving. Caterpie used another String Shot on a thick branch and slowly climbed up to the middle. He started to swing back and forth until it could reach the rough trunk. Caterpie hurled itself towards Mareep, bashing his head into Mareep's.

Sapphire reached for her other Pokeball and hurled it into the air, allowing her Charmander to participate in the battle.
"Charmander, use Flamethrower," Charmander opened his mouth wide as the intense flames inside of his mouth started to form. The Mareep saw Charmander starting a Flamethrower. Without a moment of thought, Mareep started to charge up on electricity. The electricity cracked like a whip while Charmander's flames were hot like the lava inside a volcano.

Charmander roared as the Flamethrower blasted out of his mouth as Mareep's Discharge rushed forwards. The two attacks were against each other, trying to push the other out of the way. After moments of waiting, Mareep's electricity began to be drowned by Charmanders, sizzling flames. As Mareep tried to push forwards it's Discharge, the attack became weaker and weaker. The searing flames were already starting to make the grass under Mareep's hooves become burnt.

The Mareep couldn't keep up any longer. The Flamethrower hit its target, burning the sticky strings along with its prisoner. The Mareep cried in pain with it's eyes squeezed shut. Mareep fell onto the ground but as it struggled to get it's balance back. Charmander used the tree behind it and sprang out to Mareep with his fangs open and blazing flames were covering his snow white teeth, making them bright orange. Charmander bit onto Mareep's head. Mareep tried to shake Flare off but fail. Instead of struggling anymore, Mareep charged straight towards the nearby tree, knocking Charmander was knocked so suddenly, that he lost his grip and his fangs slipped of the scorched forhead.

Mareep once again allowed its Discharge to rush towards Charmander. Charmander immediately ran behind the tree behind it. Mareep smirked before bellowing. The dark blue sky was soon covered in a thick blanket of dark clouds. A Thunder attack striked out of the sky towards Charmander who jumped to the side. As the Thuinder slowly disappeared, all that was left of the patch of emerald green grass was a burnt trench. Charmander was staring at the hole when another Thunder rammed downwards, this time striking Charmander.

Caterpie who was not in the battle all that time was buisy making a web out of its String Shots. Caterpie crawled down his masterpiece. Halfway, She climbed onto the tree on the side and crawled across the strings to the tree infront of Mareep on its multiple round legs. As Mareep was enjoying its hit, Caterpie sprang from the tree and Tackled Mareep with her bright red 'V' shaped horn, throwing it into the String Shot web. Mareep was tangled in the web like a victim ready to be eaten. Charmander was finally freed from the electrical shock. His eyes were blazing anger. Charmander's tail fire erupted in a blaze as he opened his mouth and the stream of smothering flames exploded out. Caterpie's green body crawled out of the way of the attack as it zipped pasted her, towards its enemy. Mareep turned its head and aimed a rainbow colored beam out of its mouth to cut throught the sticky prism. As it dropped onto the ground, it was hit by the searing flames.

Charmander ran forward and clamped onto Mareep's head with blazing fangs Mareep tried to shake Charmander off but Charmander's gleaming claws slashed his opponent across the face, making Mareep to yell one last time and collapse. Sapphire took advantage of that moment to throw an unoccupied Pokeball at the defeated Mareep. The ball touched the wild Pokemon lightly and a red stream of light absorbed the Pokemon into the ball. The ball started to shake even when the Pokemon was so weak.

02-28-2008, 09:52 AM
Posting to say I'll definitely be grading this. Expect it either in an hour or so, or tomorrow. It depends how tired I get. :P

02-28-2008, 10:05 AM
Sure, no problem. it's almost bedtime for me soon so no need to hurry.

The Jr Trainer
03-01-2008, 09:49 PM
This was a bit more than the usual “go into forest plot” but it had the same concept. When coming up with a plot, stray away from what they do in the anime; going into a forest/pond/lake/some basic area of land, is NOT a good plot whatsoever. Make the plot interesting, plots can be about anything you put your mind on, think about it for a minute or hour, or day, or week. I take my lovely own time to work up plots, then write them down and eventually prop a story out of them. If a plot jumps into your head at school, write it down on a piece of paper, if you’re outside, run in and write it down or something. Plots can come from anywhere, and usually are better when you just think of them, rather than trying to think of one.

Now, these “basic” plots, that newer writers usually come up with, aren’t necessarily bad, but without some sort of twist in the story they are quite dry and boring. :/ Make sure if you’re going to go with something basic, you add in something that makes the story more original and fun. :o

There really wasn’t one; you want to introduce the things in the story. Characters, their looks, personalities, everything. Don’t just make it a simple, what they are wearing, what do they really look like. How do they act.

And not just the characters, put the surroundings too, make it so we can see what the landscape looks like. Make is like a pop-up books in the graders head.

This was pretty good, just a few things that I saw were wrong that you repeated over and over. D:

"Don't worry, we will find another Pokemon." Charmander's head shot up, looking at
Comma > period there. In dialogue you want to put a comma, not a period; unless the dialogue is ending a paragraph.

You also had an abnormal amount of typos in here for such a short story. When you finish your story, or as you go on, just keep re-read the story (or proofread as we call it) to flush out those small mistakes.

And, sometimes you seemed to put paragraphs too close to each other, but that could just be from starting a new page on word or something or other. Just make sure you put a line in between all paragraphs since tab doesn’t work on the forum. :[

Err, not so good here. Make sure you elaborate on the plot, and make sure to have a nice amount of detail and a good battle; those will make length come naturally. But don’t forget quality > quantity. Don’t rush through the story adding weird parts to it just to make it longer, if you’re going to add on some twist, or subplot to it, then make it go a long with the story, not just some random rambling on and on about something. :P

This was you demise. It was pretty much completely not there. You seemed to just type of the story and then post it. In like, 5 minutes? Make the story tell the story, make the people see the characters, make them feels the feelings of things. Tell us what everything is like. We might think something different than what you think; all our minds might work at a different pace (in fact, they all do). One person could think a Charmander is a blue lizard, while other think it’s a red one.

Pretend as if the person had never seen anything, or heard, or anything at all. Like a new-born. It makes it easy to write out what you want to write, which gives the story more of a kick and pop to it. ^^;

This was short and dull. :/ You want to make it interesting and detailed. Which can turn the story good or bad. The battle can really be the decision on passing or failing; it’s quite important. Without a decent battle the story is deemed to fail. Make sure you make it two-sided, like an anime battle (not just going back and forth), and use the surroundings to help or to make it harder on the Pokemon. Some nice techniques can always turn it fun and interesting too. :o

Final Outcome:
Err, this wasn’t up to shape on what we want to see. So, Mareep not captured! Work on basically all the concepts of the story and PM me for a re-grade.

The Jr Trainer
03-02-2008, 05:15 PM
Now, this is a lot better. You added in what I told you, you should add. Fixed those little mistakes; the story in a whole is a lot better now. You added a nice amount of detail, not to mention the longer battle that there is, the length, as I said, came with the new improvements and add-ons to the story. Now, the final question. Is it captured or not? :o

...Mareep captured!!

:D Have fun in the contest, and with the new sheep. :O

03-03-2008, 05:34 AM
I thought it was still a not capture. I found quite a lot of typos.