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Caecity
02-25-2008, 12:51 AM
:\ This is where I was keep my suckish stories. Beware I'll propably fail your grades atleast once, and not that twice. Sometimes the stories will be linked but other times they will not be linked. :\ They'll probably have Pt.1, Pt.2 if they're linked. ;D Have a good time grading crap.

WARNING:
MY "H" key doesn't work very well so if you see "e's" or "te", and/or other words try to see if fits in there. ;DD Plus all my stories are in Size 1 font, if you need me to change it give me a PM.

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Fallen Solider[[Story Deal]]
The name I was trying to spell was Bianca but it was too late in the story to go change all of it.

“ I wanted the toughest Pokemon not this weakling.”

“ Train it then, Pokemon are only as weak as their Trainers.”

This argument was held between two young teenagers, it was strongly vexation to one boy, while the other remained calm. The autumn breeze rushed past the boys, waving one teenager hazelnut hair out of his face. Placing his hand onto his hair, keeping it neat was one thing that was hard enough for Beau. Calmly stroking, and patting his hair back into place, his green polo shirt ruffled up. A glint of light reflected from Beau’s eye, staring at his friend, noble but not trustworthy.

“ Oh but you know all to well, Ruben giving me your stupid, weakling, a disgrace for steel types everywhere Pokemon won’t help me.” Beau growled, knowing Ruben would put together his large hands and swung him right in the jaw; in fact it just happen. Slowly rubbing his cheek Beau smiled, he wanted the slim, round face boy to hit him. Glancing at his Navy Blue jeans, which held his hands now. A puddle of blood started to form on the ground, as the liquid smacked onto the concrete Beau grin bigger every time. Beau glanced over his shoulder, noticing a stir in the bushes.

“ I’ll make this short, you’re a wimp, and I’m the strong one. You’re my cousin I’ll give you some credit, you’ve got a left hook. “ Beau grinned, lingering his pace Beau made his way towards the bushes. A tuff of grass caught his foot, before toppling down onto the wetted lawn; Beau shot a glance at Ruben. Beau let out a sentence full of curses, as his wrist twisted. Delaying to get up, failing to notice that Ruben had disappeared in the middle of the fall.

“ Shuffle Town, it should be Tuff Town,” Beau spat as he shifted his palms onto the damp grass. Luckily the grass stain matched his polo, gazing around the neighborhood. Two story houses filled the lots, every other house was the same. Either totally covered brick house, with four windows, and two bushes in front, or a tiled house with five windows, and one bush and a tree. With the always tenseness of the air made this a perfect place to life, along with the over population of Rattata’s, and Raticate’s. With a metal, slim, and graffiti pole on every street corner, including busted light bulbs in every streetlight. Excluding the lack of talent that lingers around Shuffle Town.

If you had talent, you would automatically be held against your will, and be force to join the regions tournaments. Beau had talent, and the tournament was in twenty-four days, he needs practice lots of it, to give Shuffle Town a name other than Ratty Town. Being seized by gloved covered hands, which belong to mask wearing humans. Snatching the multi-color Pokeball that clung to Beau belt. As the hot air balloon floated into the sky, raining drizzling on the top of it. Releasing an armor plated Pokemon into the sky, dropping like a hulky boulder.

Dropping down onto the ground, a puddle onto the ground helped her fall. The small steel Pokemon shuddered in the puddle. Slowly, and soon the very waspish, feminine Aron was staggering to get out of the puddle. Painfully soaking in more water, Beunka slowly moved her drenched legs. Making shelter in a dry, abandon barrel. Not taking a second glance at the surroundings Beunka slowly shut her eyes, as a shadow cast upon them.


“What shall we do with it?” A stammering voice as the creature let out small hiss, his purple body unwrapped from its current state, letting out a rattle. The purple snake creatures slowly hissed again, until a raged voice enter their domain. Hearing the mumbling and curses, the Ekans spat.

“What are you two groaning about?” The scuffle Pokemon asked, glaring down the snake Pokemon and the string spit Pokemon. His wrist bandages were falling off, trying to secure them Rouge slowly moved forward, in the damp cave.

“ Nothing Rogue, what has got your bandages in a twist, or tore off.” The string spatter sneered, as his eight tiny legs moved from place to place, hanging upside down. Twirling in different directions, causing a beautiful scene to unfold. Web strings crossed each other; with a sparkle off the light this truly became artwork. As he shuffled his legs against the surface of webs Arrack become thrilled.

“ On another note we have a stumpy steel type living outside our cave.” Arrack commented, as he watched Morin deliver webs onto the cave ceilings. Arrack changed his glanced towards the surroundings of is home, the cave. Sharp, damp spears hung from the humid cave. The stones held in place, by what Arrack thought, to him they looked like rock icicle. Tunnels twirled, swirled, and veered different direction in this cavern; housing many Pokemon. Arrack gazed at Rogue waiting for him to come up with a good plan, not the usual crap.

“What?! This is my chance, I’ll show that stupid Pokemon to come onto my territory,” Rogue growled, as he punch the air simultaneously with his fists. He went straight into mumbling to himself, which might a plan was to follow. Arrack watched Rogue in rage, rattling is tail to show anger.

“ Our cave, remember us.” Arrack shouted at Rogue, whom wasn’t paying much attention to Arrack in the first place. Rogue swiftly changed his gaze to Arrack a sneer crossed his face. Arrack slither his body backwards, flailing is tail around. Rogue gathered his strength, unaware that Morin had begun spinning his web between his friends. Morin had rapidly started his web frenzy, in mere seconds he had almost a complete web woven right between the enraged Pokemon. Morin sting was invisible until a light hit it, or until a Pokemon ran into it. Rogue rampaged into the spider’s web; Morin shooting a string shot, which wrapped his prey. Covering the scuffle Pokemon in sticky webbing, pouncing onto Rogue, Morin was ready for is fourth meal of the day. With a tail smack, stopping sharp teeth from digging into Rogue’s flesh. Morin was stunned, causing his green head to move away from Rogue’s head,

“As much as I want Rogue gone, which would be a blessing, we need him.” Arrack hissed, Morin bit through the string and released Rogue, whom was already struggling. Rogue rushed at Arrack, whom slither against the warm floor, then stuck out his tail. Knocking into the yellow tipped tail, Rogue found himself on the ground. Slowly slithering towards the fallen Pokemon as Arrack raised his tail, Rogue slowly got up. Crossing his dirt covered arms in an X; Arrack laughed and curved his tail under arms. Which caused Rogue to bite Arrack’s tail; a yowl erupted through the caves tunnels.


Dawn broke against the burrow’s entrance, causing a very tired Aron to wake up. Like a small solider going to work, the stumpy Pokemon started to roam the area. Trudging through the morning dew that stuck to the ground. Slowly making her way around the lowland, Beunka growled intensely; shapes were coming straight at her.

“ Give up, and leave my-our territory,” one of the distant shapes yelled at Beunka, his voice was firm. Beunka could tell there would be manage problems; she quickly dug her stumpy legs into the ground. As the Pokemon came into Beunka’s vision, she heaved her body upwards and came rushing at them. String shot at Beunka, wrapping around her tiny body, able to break a few strings but it kept piling on. Morin scampered over towards the String Shot victim, crawling onto of the small steel type.

“ Listen we don’t want to hurt you, cut her loose Morin.” Rogue stated as he waved his hand at the spider, waiting for him to do his order. As the green spider made his way onto the string covered Pokemon, he had already gotten free. Beunka voice erupted into the three Pokemon’s ear, trudging past them. Turning around to watch tem run away, as they held their ears. With a triumphant laugh Beunka slid down a hill, the laugh soon turned into yowl. The frightful Aron landed with a thud, a shape came to her.

As Beunka stood up, the shape moved closer, which was causing Beunka to let out a small growl. The shape color was revealed when a ray over light glimpse over the creature, purple. Bucking her head to show superior, though soon backing down because of the size of the creature. Eager to get away Beunka turned her body in a complete twist, and hauled herself out of the situation. As neither luck nor speed was on Beunka side the creature grabbed her with his giant fingers. Crushing Beunka in his palms, Cruise shifted his position the Exploud lowered his head.

“What have we got here, I see a youngster.” Cruise croaked, as the old Exploud examine the Aron with his horrible vision. Beunka tried to break free, using screeches as well as ramming into his fingers. The racket didn’t make it through Cruise’s fingers; with a snort he let the Aron go.

“Who do you think you are holding me in those fat fingers!” Beunka screech, letting out a Metal Sound but Cruise’s soundproof ears absorb it; leaving Cruise perfectly safe. Beunka stood firm in place examining her elder; letting out many snorts.

“ I’m Cruise am who might you be, youngster?” Cruise spoke with a weary voice; making his words fill the air. Lifting his foot and scratching the bottom as he set it down Beunka felt like an aftershock had just happen. After trying to scatter away Beunka settled down.

“ I’m Beunka, what’s it to ya!” Beunka shouted at the much bigger Pokemon, as she ran as fast as she could around his legs. As Beunka ran, shouted, and laughed Cruise looked down at the small Pokemon, reaching his arms down to grab it. Hesitate to grab the young Pokemon Cruise kept missing the Pokemon every time he bent down.

“Youth, don’t you respect your elders?” Cruise asked, as if responding Beunka bit into Cruise’s finger. Lifting up the small steel type, peering down upon her with wonder then flinging her down. The dew filled grass soaked Beunka’s back, which caused a series of Metal Sounds. Pokemon drew near, the sound causing commotion through the forest. Mumblings rippled through the group of waiting Pokemon, which caused Beunka to yell even more.

“Cruise you want us to stomp this Pokemon?” “Cruise what is that thing.” “Did it hurt you, let us battle it!” Questions, suggestions, and curses were splattered around the crowd; some moved forward others stayed back. Three familiar figures pushed, shoved, and made others quiver as they passed through. Arrack slithered over towards Cruise, Rogue rushed towards the old Pokemon, and Morin scampered over. The trio circled around the duo, fist, tail, and mouth all ready to attack.

“ Look who it is, Morin let’s teach her another lesson.” Rogue shouted as leaves blew across the horizon. As the trees swayed in the wind along with the bushes, which guarded the roots of the trees. Torn up grass flittered through the air catching the drifts of wind, Beunka growled at Rogue. Beunka let out a series of Metal Sound aiming them at Rogue, and then using a life-risking tackle. Rogue focus his energy slowly prepared for the more powerful version of his tackle attack. Morin quickly shot a string of web at the small solider who was about to stomp all over his friend. Morin moved his green body towards a fallen log, Morin then attach another string to the log, and added more string to Beunka’s legs.

Beunka laid sprawled in front of the trio, Rogue came up to Beunka with his hands held out. As he glanced down at the helpless Pokemon he laughed though what he didn’t know that Beunka had dug a hole in the ground. Beunka impaled dirt into Rogue’s eyes, causing Rogue to swing his fist, which cut the string. In a flash the small, steel trooper was down the hole. Rogue spat out the dirt, Arrack slithered away from Cruise since he was done with his job he had kept Cruise away from the battle.

“Get her now!!!!!!!” Rogue screeched Arrack coiled up his body, and sprung into the hole while Morin shot a string of web towards Rogue. Underneath was Beunka whom was trapped by Arrack, and the tunnel had caved in on her. Beunka bucked her head, her legs were sunken into the soft soil, Arrack slithered closer, and stretch out his neck as he spat a purple goop. Beunka flinched as the goop soaked through her armor, Beunka tremble with fear lifting her legs, and stomping on the soft soil. As Beunka tremble so did the ground, Arrack shook the pain doubling in his body. Arrack thrown in a frenzy of the earth, getting covered with a massive amount of dirt, and rock, while Beunka dug her way to the surface.

“ Aggron, let’s Aerial Ace this plant!” A rather familiar voice to Beunka’s ear shouted. Beunka watched a larger version of her disappeared in a flash, and slammed his body weight into a humanoid plant. The humanoid plant bounced back from the attack, and gave a few swift punches to the well armor-plated Pokemon.

“ Breloom, Energy Balls.” A deep, and shakily voice shouted to his humanoid, plant solider. The plant solider gather solar energy in its mouth, and them blasting it off towards the armor solider. Beunka knew the armor solider by “Dad” “Father” or “Hagane” to his Trainer, Ruben. Beunka watched her father as he was struck with two Energy Balls, but happen to dodge the third, and fourth.

“ Let’s End this, Dragon Pulse, Hagane now!”

“ Mach Punch!”

The two solider both began their attacks, the plant solider charged at the armor-plated solider, as he slammed his claws into Hagane he let out a blast of dragon energy. The trees waved in the powerful blast, leaves forcefully thrown into the air. The sky was full of a dark gas, the field was unable to be seen, which the gas caused the two Trainers’ to cough, and wheeze. Slowly the air was clear from the smoke, and the competitors lay on the ground, pure dirt the pulse had destroyed the grassy arena. Trees that once towered the arena now laid crack in half it’s armor now broken off. Ruben’s opponent, a freckled face kid who must have had his mother pick out his clothes, run towards his darling plant.

“ Looks like I won, now where’s my steel-type Dorkus.” Ruben sneered, as his Aggron was the only solider left standing. Dorkus was a “pet” name Ruben had given the boy but he’s real name was Josh, Josh Smurf. Josh saw the little Aron, and snatched her up to show Ruben.

“ Let’s see how it battles, Hagane Fire Blast.” Ruben laughed as he pointed towards Beunka, not even realizing that was his former Pokemon. Beunka was toss into the air, as the blast of fire soared her way; quickly thinking Beunka used the dirt to her advantage. Squirming on the earth Beunka reach a pocket that was soft enough, Beunka dug her way down just in time. The flames scorched the top of her, some had nick Beunka back, right, hind leg.

“Hagane, Ice Beam,” shouted Ruben, as he pointed towards the hole. Hagane tossed back his head, and headed for the hole, as he peered down the hole Beunka emerged flying straight up at his face. The full Double-Edge attack knocked the Aggron on its rear end. Beunka scampered around Hagane, butting into its armor plates until Hagane flung out his arm, as Beunka was sent into the air.

“Daddy it’s me Beunka!” Beunka screeched, as her body rammed into a broken tree trunk. Hagane looked at the young Aron, and remember he did have a daughter in fact he had several of daughters.

“ Don’t let that Aron confuse you, Hagane unleash a Hyper Beam.” Ruben shouted, Hagane gather his strength to form an energy ball powerful enough to blow the Aron to death. Beunka let out a series of Metal Sounds, as they enter Hagane’s ears, and caused disturbance. Hagane shot the Hyper Beam into the ground; his own body flew into the air. Beunka dashed towards her father, as she climbed onto his head, looking at his eyes.

“ Hagane if you can’t do the job, Metagross will!” Ruben growled without returning Hagane to his Ultra Ball he sent out a four-legged creature. An ‘X’ crossed between its eyes, it was covered in a blue, steel, armor coat. Beunka whom was very tired lay on her father’s chest, and rolled over to his left side. Metagross’s eyes grew with a faint blue aura, which picked up Beunka. Opening up his mouth, which caused an eruption of flames to steam out aimed directly at Beunka. An ultrasonic wave of water pulsed through the Fire Blast; Hagane slowly raised his conscious head.

“Hagane what the hell, Metacross this is over, return!” Ruben said, as he grabbed a Great Ball after he watch the Aron drop into the earth. A crimson flash covered over the blue steel-typed Pokemon, and Ruben tossed a Great Ball at the fallen solider. As the aura sucked in Beunka, Hagane rested staring at the Great Ball blink twice, as both Hagane, and Ruben waited for the third.

Mon: Aron
Characters Needed: 10k-20k Meduim
Characters Have Without Spaces: 13k
Characters with Spaces: 16k
Status: Completed.

Phantom Kat
03-11-2008, 07:16 PM
rawr Spring Break

Plot: Beunka is an Aron that was given to Beau from his cousin, Ruben. Beau. Soon, though, some people steal Beaunka and released her from their hot air balloon, making her fall and land into the territory of three Pokemon. These Pokemon begin to attack her when she wakes up and she soon lands in the hands of an old Exploud. After a racket, she manages to slip away. Beaunka gets to see an Aggron, her father, and a Breloom battling and they soon turn on to her.

I liked this plot, it was original and interesting to read. Beaunka is young and spunky but still knows when to leave a fight while the three other Pokemon are way too territorial. The ending was nice because it shows how Ruben is more of a power-hungry trainer than a caring one.

When the masked humans stole Beaunka and then released her, it was confusing. Who were they and why did they release her? Did they tumble and accidentally did it or had they been watching and found the Aron to weak for their liking? Eve if you meant to keep the characters in shadow, you don’t want your readers confused if you are not going to explain this later on.

Introduction: Ruben gives his cousin, Beau, and Aron yet Beau complains that Beaunka is weak and the worst of the Steel types. Ruben leaves and soon after, Beau’s new Pokemon gets stolen and released.

The intro was nice. You described the characters and their personalities and a bit of your surroundings. All I suggest is to add a bit more to the surroundings other than describing the town but not where they boys currently were (a street corner, a park, etc.). Other than that, you did really nice in this section.

Grammar/Spelling: This, I’m afraid, was your worst section.

You had plenty, and I mean plenty, of fragments in your story and coupled with the occasional run-on, this made the story very confusing to read. Most, if not all, your fragments, had to deal with you starting it in a verb yet never describing the noun. For example:

Calmly stroking, and patting his hair back into place, his green polo shirt ruffled up.

You need to continue with an action from Beau (or was it Ruben?). Did he walk away and leave the other boy in the dust or did he grin mischievously. When you start the sentence with a verb, you have to follow it with a past tense action “he walked away” or “Beau grinned mischievously”. If not, it’s a fragment.

Snatching the multi-color Pokeball that clung to Beau belt.

This is exactly the same as the fragment above. You need an action by the person doing the “snatching”. Did “the masked man ran back to the balloon” or “the thief shot a triumphant smile to his partner.”?

Making shelter in a dry, abandon barrel.

And another one. You need another action by the person doing the “making”. Did “Beaunka fell into a deep sleep.” or “the Aron glanced at the sky she had fallen from seconds ago.”?

I can’t stress this enough, look over your story and fix the fragments! D= If anything, this should be your main concern at the moment because this can (and it did, in this case) bring down your grade.

Rogue growled, as he punch the air simultaneously with his fists.

Throughout your story, you sometimes forgot to put “-ed” at the end of a verb. Once again, look over your story to fix these mistakes.

Some other things you need to watch out for is missing commas because I saw multiple cases in where you didn’t put one. You “H” worked perfectly fine, I only saw one instance in where there was an “H” missing (it was with “them”).

Length: No problem here, keep the up the good work. ;)

Description/Detail: You did very well in this section, I could see the actions and the characters in your story easily. Like I said in the introduction, you just need to describe the surroundings more. I didn’t have a clear picture of the cave so was it big or small, were the walls splattered with mud and rocks or was it clean and orderly. Exactly how were the tunnels, did they crisscross and turned or were they simply a straight line? Just as you add details to your characters, add more to the surroundings.

Also, you did a nice job of describing the three Pokemon but I don’t know what the one with fists was. Was it a Tyrougue, that’s my best shot (I think maybe because you didn‘t describe his color?). Just make sure your introduce them as the name of their species early on because some people may not know which Pokemon it is if they aren’t familiar with the games and anime. Same thing with attacks, say the name of it like “Toxic” and “Earthquake” so that we are not left guessing exactly which attack you meant.

Battle: The battle (or should I say “battles”) were nice and lengthy. Even though it was three versus one, I could Beanka wasn’t overpowered. It was two sided between her and them and I could tell the others were having a hard time taking her down. The last one with her facing the Aggron and Metagross was more one sided but hey, what do you expect? It would have been nice if you made the last battle a bit more two-sided, maybe Aggron having trouble hitting her because he was fighting some internal battle or maybe choose less stronger Pokemon?

I would just advise you to make your attacks more detail. How did the Fire Blast and Ice Beam look like? And the Energy Ball (yeah, it’s “Ball”, not “Balls”)? Just add more color and sound to them, maybe even how the power made the very air ripple, and your battles will come to life.

Outcome: Your plot and intro was nice and your description and detail were pretty good. However, the grammar issues just made this confusing and hard to read so I couldn’t enjoy the whole story. Sorry, but I have to say, Aron not captured! Just fix up the grammar issues by getting rid of the fragments and adding “-ed” and commas where they are needed. Do this and the little solider is yours. ;)

- Kat

Caecity
04-20-2008, 10:49 PM
This story wouldn't fit after I edited it....=( This is the EDITTED VERSION!


“ I wanted the toughest Pokemon not this weakling.”

“ Train it then, Pokemon are only as weak as their Trainers.”

This argument was held between two young teenagers, it was strongly vexation one boy, while the other remained calm. The autumn breeze rushed past the boys, waving one teenager hazelnut hair out of his face. Placing his hand onto his hair, keeping it neat was one thing that was hard enough for Beau. Calmly stroking, and patting his hair back into place, his green polo shirt ruffled up, as Beau walked toward his ‘friend’. A glint of light reflected from Beau’s eye, staring at his friend, noble but not trustworthy.

“ Oh but you know all to well, Ruben giving me your stupid, weakling, a disgrace for steel types everywhere Pokemon won’t help me.” Beau growled, knowing Ruben would put together his large hands and swung him right in the jaw; in fact it just happen. Slowly rubbing his cheek Beau smiled, he wanted the slim, round face boy to hit him. Glancing at his Navy Blue jeans, which held his hands now. A puddle of blood started to form on the ground, as the liquid smacked onto the concrete Beau grin bigger every time. Beau glanced over his shoulder, noticing a stir in the bushes.

“ I’ll make this short, you’re a wimp, and I’m the strong one. You’re my cousin I’ll give you some credit, you’ve got a left hook. “ Beau grinned, lingering his pace Beau made his way towards the bushes. A tuff of grass caught his foot, before toppling down onto the wetted lawn; Beau shot a glance at Ruben. Beau let out a sentence full of curses, as his wrist twisted. Delaying to get up, failing to notice that Ruben had disappeared in the middle of the fall.

“ Shuffle Town, it should be Tuff Town,” Beau spat, he shifted his palms onto the damp grass. Luckily the grass stain matched his polo, gazing around the neighborhood. Two story houses filled the lots, every other house was the same. Either totally covered brick house, with four windows, and two bushes in front, or a tiled house with five windows, and one bush and a tree. With the always tenseness of the air made this a perfectplace to life, along with the over population of Rattata’s, and Raticate’s. With a metal, slim, and graffiti pole on every street corner, including busted light bulbs in every streetlight. Excluding the lack of talent that lingers around Shuffle Town.

If you had talent, you would automatically be held against your will, and be force to join the regions tournaments. Beau had talent, and the tournament was in twenty-four days, he needs practice lots of it, to give Shuffle Town a name other than Ratty Town. Being seized by gloved covered hands, which belong to mask wearing humans. Snatching the multi-color Pokeball that clung to Beau belt soon he returned to the hot air balloon. As the hot air balloon floated into the sky, raining drizzling on the top of it. Releasing an armor plated Pokemon into the sky, dropping like a hulky boulder.

Dropping down onto the ground, a puddle onto the ground helped her fall. The small steel Pokemon shuddered in the puddle. Slowly, and soon the very waspish, feminine Aron was staggering to get out of the puddle. Painfully soaking in more water, Beunka slowly moved her drenched legs. Making shelter in a dry, abandon barrel Beunka watched the sky, which she had just fallen from. Not taking a second glance at the surroundings Beunka slowly shut her eyes, as a shadow cast upon them.


“What shall we do with it?” A stammering voice, as the creature let out small hiss, his purple body unwrapped from its current state, letting out a rattle. The purple snake creature slowly hissed again, until a raged voice enters their domain. Hearing the mumbling and curses, the Ekans spat.

“What are you two groaning about?” The scuffle Pokemon asked, glaring down the snake Pokemon and the string spit Pokemon. His wrist bandages were falling off, trying to secure them Rouge slowly moved forward, in the damp cave.

“ Nothing Rogue, what has got your bandages in a twist, or tore off.” The string spatter sneered, as his eight tiny legs moved from place to place, hanging upside down. Twirling in different directions, causing a beautiful scene to unfold. Web strings crossed each other; with a sparkle off the light this truly became artwork. As he shuffled his legs against the surface of webs Arrack become thrilled.

“ On another note we have a stumpy steel type living outside our cave.” Arrack commented, as he watched Morin deliver webs onto the cave ceilings. Arrack changed his glanced towards the surroundings of is home, the cave. Sharp, damp spears hung from the humid cave. The stones held in place, by what Arrack thought, to him they looked like rock icicle. Tunnels twirled, swirled, and veered different direction in this cavern; housing many Pokemon. Arrack gazed at Rogue waiting for him to come up with a good plan, not the usual crap.

“What?! This is my chance, I’ll show that stupid Pokemon to come onto my territory,” Rogue growled, as he punch the air simultaneously with his fists. He went straight into mumbling to himself, which might a plan was to follow. Arrack watched Rogue in rage, rattling is tail to show anger.

“ Our cave, remember us.” Arrack shouted at Rogue, whom wasn’t paying much attention to Arrack in the first place. Rogue swiftly changed his gaze to Arrack a sneer crossed his face. Arrack slither his body backwards, flailing is tail around. Rogue gathered his strength, unaware that Morin had begun spinning his web between his friends. Morin had rapidly started his web frenzy, in mere seconds he had almost a complete web woven right between the enraged Pokemon. Morin sting was invisible until a light hit it, or until a Pokemon ran into it. Rogue rampaged into the spider’s web; Morin shooting a string shot, which wrapped his prey. Covering the scuffle Pokemon in sticky webbing, pouncing onto Rogue, Morin was ready for is fourth meal of the day. With a tail smack, stopping sharp teeth from digging into Rogue’s flesh. Morin was stunned, causing his green head to move away from Rogue’s head,

“As much as I want Rogue gone, which would be a blessing, we need him.” Arrack hissed, Morin bit through the string and released Rogue, whom was already struggling. Rogue rushed at Arrack, whom slither against the warm floor, then stuck out his tail. Knocking into the yellow tipped tail, Rogue found himself on the ground. Slowly slithering towards the fallen Pokemon, as Arrack raised his tail, Rogue slowly got up. Crossing his dirt covered arms in an X; Arrack laughed and curved his tail under arms. Which caused Rogue to bite Arrack’s tail; a yowl erupted through the caves tunnels.


Dawn broke against the burrow’s entrance, causing a very tired Aron to wake up. Like a small solider going to work, the stumpy Pokemon started to roam the area. Trudging through the morning dew that stuck to the ground. Slowly making her way around the lowland, Beunka growled intensely; shapes were coming straight at her.

“ Give up, and leave my-our territory,” one of the distant shapes yelled at Beunka, his voice was firm. Beunka could tell there would be manage problems; she quickly dug her stumpy legs into the ground. As the Pokemon came into Beunka’s vision, she heaved her body upwards and came rushing at them. String shot at Beunka, wrapping around her tiny body, able to break a few strings but it kept piling on. Morin scampered over towards the String Shot victim, crawling onto of the small steel type.

“ Listen we don’t want to hurt you, cut her loose Morin.” Rogue stated, as he waved his hand at the spider, waiting for him to do his order. As the green spider made his way onto the string covered Pokemon, he had already gotten free. Beunka voice erupted into the three Pokemon’s ear, trudging past them. Slowly turning around to watch them run away, as they held their ears. With a triumphant laugh Beunka slid down a hill, the laugh soon turned into yowl. The frightful Aron landed with a thud, a shape came to her.

As Beunka stood up, the shape moved closer, which was causing Beunka to let out a small growl. The shape color was revealed when a ray over light glimpse over the creature, purple. Bucking her head to show superior, though soon backing down because of the size of the creature. Eager to get away Beunka turned her body in a complete twist, and hauled herself out of the situation. As neither luck nor speed was on Beunka side the creature grabbed her with his giant fingers. Crushing Beunka in his palms, Cruise shifted his position the Exploud lowered his head.

“What have we got here, I see a youngster.” Cruise croaked, as the old Exploud examine the Aron with his horrible vision. Beunka tried to break free, using screeches, also she ran into her fingers. The racket didn’t make it through Cruise’s fingers; with a snort he let the Aron go.

“Who do you think you are, holding me in those fat fingers!” Beunka screech, she let out a Metal Sound but Cruise’s soundproof ears absorb it; leaving Cruise perfectly safe. Beunka stood firm in place examining her elder; letting out many snorts.

“ I’m Cruise am who might you be, youngster?” Cruise spoke with a weary voice; making his words fill the air. Lifting his foot and scratching the bottom as he set it down Beunka felt like an aftershock had just happen. After trying to scatter away Beunka settled down.

“ I’m Beunka, what’s it to ya!” Beunka shouted at the much bigger Pokemon, as she ran as fast as she could around his legs. As Beunka ran, shouted, and laughed Cruise looked down at the small Pokemon, reaching his arms down to grab it. Hesitate to grab the young Pokemon Cruise kept missing the Pokemon every time he bent down.

“Youth, don’t you respect your elders?” Cruise asked, as if responding Beunka bit into Cruise’s finger. Lifting up the small steel type, peering down upon her with wonder then flinging her down. The dew filled grass soaked Beunka’s back, which caused a series of Metal Sounds. Pokemon drew near, the sound causing commotion through the forest. Mumblings rippled through the group of waiting Pokemon, which caused Beunka to yell even more.

“Cruise you want us to stomp this Pokemon?” “Cruise what is that thing.” “Did it hurt you, let us battle it!” Questions, suggestions, and curses were splattered around the crowd; some moved forward others stayed back. Three familiar figures pushed, shoved, and made others quiver as they passed through. Arrack slithered over towards Cruise, Rogue rushed towards the old Pokemon, and Morin scampered over. The trio circled around the duo, fist, tail, and mouth all ready to attack.

“ Look who it is, Morin let’s teach her another lesson.” Rogue shouted as leaves blew across the horizon. The bushes that guarded in trees blew in the gust of wind. Torn up grass flittered through the air catching the drifts of wind, Beunka growled at Rogue. Beunka let out a series of Metal Sound aiming them at Rogue, and then using a life-risking tackle. Rogue focus his energy slowly prepared for the more powerful version of his tackle attack. Morin quickly shot a string of web at the small solider who was about to stomp all over his friend. Morin moved his green body towards a fallen log, Morin then attach another string to the log, and added more string to Beunka’s legs.

Beunka laid sprawled in front of the trio, Rogue came up to Beunka with his hands held out. As he glanced down at the helpless Pokemon he laughed though what he didn’t know that Beunka had dug a hole in the ground. Beunka impaled dirt into Rogue’s eyes, causing Rogue to swing his fist, which cut the string. In a flash the small, steel trooper was down the hole. Rogue spat out the dirt, Arrack slithered away from Cruise since he was done with his job he had kept Cruise away from the battle.

“Get her now!!!!!!!” Rogue screeched Arrack coiled up his body, and sprung into the hole while Morin shot a string of web towards Rogue. Underneath was Beunka, whom was trapped by Arrack, and the tunnel had caved in on her. Beunka bucked her head, her legs were sunken into the soft soil, Arrack slithered closer, and stretch out his neck, as he spat a purple goop, Toxic. Beunka flinched, as the goop soaked through her armor, Beunka tremble with fear lifting her legs, and stomping on the soft soil. As Beunka tremble so did the ground, Arrack shook the pain doubling in his body. Arrack thrown in the Earthquake attack, Beunka soon made a swift escape, as she headed towards the top of the tunnel. Beunka arrived in the middle of a battle, her tiny, yet hard head watched intensely.

“ Aggron, let’s Aerial Ace this plant!” A rather familiar voice to Beunka’s ear shouted. Beunka watched a larger version of her disappeared in a flash, and slammed his body weight into a humanoid plant. The humanoid plant bounced back from the attack, and gave a few swift punches to the well armor-plated Pokemon.

“ Breloom, Energy Ball, lots of them.” A deep, and shakily voice shouted to his humanoid, plant solider. The plant solider gather solar energy in its mouth, soon the plant figure blasted them off, they headed towards the armor solider. Beunka knew the armor solider by “Dad”, “Father” or “Hagane” to his Trainer, Ruben. Beunka watched her father, as he was struck with two Energy Balls, but happen to dodge the third, and fourth.

“ Let’s End this, Dragon Pulse, Hagane now!”

“ Mach Punch!”

The two solider both began their attacks, the plant solider charged at the armor-plated solider, as he slammed his claws into Hagane he let out a blast of dragon energy. The trees waved in the powerful blast, leaves forcefully thrown into the air. The sky was full of a dark gas, the field was unable to be seen, which the gas caused the two Trainers’ to cough, and wheeze. Slowly the air was clear from the smoke, and the competitors lay on the ground, pure dirt the pulse had destroyed the grassy arena. Trees that once towered the arena now laid crack in half it’s armor now broken off. Ruben’s opponent was a freckled face kid who must have had his mother pick out his clothes, run towards his darling plant.

“ Looks like I won, now where’s my steel-type Dorkus.” Ruben sneered, as his Aggron was the only solider left standing. Dorkus was a “pet” name Ruben had given the boy but he’s real name was Josh, Josh Smurf. Josh saw the little Aron, and snatched her up to show Ruben.

“ Let’s see how it battles, Hagane Fire Blast.” Ruben laughed as he pointed towards Beunka, not even realizing that was his former Pokemon. Beunka was toss into the air, as the blast of fire soared her way; quickly thinking Beunka used the dirt to her advantage. Squirming on the earth Beunka reach a pocket that was soft enough, Beunka dug her way down just in time. The flames scorched the top of her, some had nick Beunka back, right, hind leg.

“Hagane, Ice Beam,” shouted Ruben, as he pointed towards the hole. Hagane tossed back his head, and headed for the hole, as he peered down the hole Beunka emerged flying straight up at his face. The full Double-Edge attack knocked the Aggron on its rear end. Beunka scampered around Hagane, butting into its armor plates until Hagane flung out his arm, as Beunka was sent into the air.

“Daddy it’s me Beunka!” Beunka screeched, as her body rammed into a broken tree trunk. Hagane looked at the young Aron, and remember he did have a daughter in fact he had several of daughters.

“ Don’t let that Aron confuse you, Hagane unleash a Hyper Beam.” Ruben shouted, Hagane gather his strength to form an energy ball, one that was powerful enough to blow the Aron to death. Beunka let out a series of Metal Sounds, as they enter Hagane’s ears, and caused disturbance. Hagane shot the Hyper Beam into the ground; his own body flew into the air. Beunka dashed towards her father, as she climbed onto his head, then looked at his eyes.

“ Hagane if you can’t do the job, Metagross will!” Ruben growled without returning Hagane to his Ultra Ball he sent out a four-legged creature. An ‘X’ crossed between its eyes, it was covered in a blue, steel, armor coat. Beunka whom was very tired lay on her father’s chest, and rolled over to his left side. Metagross’s eyes grew with a faint blue aura, which picked up Beunka. Opening up his mouth, which caused an eruption of flames to steam out aimed directly at Beunka. An ultrasonic wave of water pulsed through the Fire Blast; Hagane slowly raised his conscious head.

“Hagane what the heck, Metacross this is over, return!” Ruben said, as he grabbed a Great Ball after he watch the Aron drop into the earth. A crimson flash covered over the blue steel-typed Pokemon, and Ruben tossed a Great Ball at the fallen solider. As the aura sucked in Beunka, Hagane rested staring at the as the Great Ball blink twice, as both Hagane, and Ruben waited for the third. A beam of light clouded the vision of the watchers; Beunka came out the Pokeball with a nice, large grin place on her face. With Beunka’s beam of light Metagross’s ray of light, Beunka’s smirk was endless.

Metagross looked down upon the small steel type, his own emotions were subsided, and he would do as his Trainer ordered. He will kill the Aron if he was order to, his say didn’t matter, what matter was that he was a tough, unforgettable foe. Metagross rapidly spun around the defenseless Aron, which stood shocked in fear, without a thought Metagross went to slammed his legs into the shivering Pokemon. Though Josh, Josh Smurf Breloom sent out mach punches, (not the move “Mach Punch” just mach punches.) towards the large, blue, steel warrior. Metagross took the hits, as they dented his steel armor; Ruben twisted his head around to see Josh, Josh Smurf. The sound of crush metal filled the arena, Josh, Josh Smurf’s Breloom hammered away at Metagross, before Ruben could spit a word out Metagross had been injured severely.

Beunka looked aimlessly among her surroundings, as the trees swayed in the gale of wind, and the grass blowing, every which way. The strength that had been given to her was now leaving her body, with that her body once more tipped over. A ruffle in the bushes, a tall, slim, shadowy like-figure erupted from the bushes, and his voice was soft, but firm, “ Ruben, give me back my Aron.” Ruben teeth grind together, Beau tighten his fist, “ How could you send your little lackeys, and have them drag me away. You know, you can’t beat me, this Aron is mine!” The soft tone soon became rough, ridge, and loud, Beau stalked up to his cousin. After the glares began, Beau suddenly knocked Ruben backward, his fist swollen from the hit, but Beau showed no pain. Ruben looked upon his cousin, rubbing his aching cheek, as it was like the speed of sound, and he hadn’t even seen it coming.

Beau stalked towards Beunka, with a smile so big, the moon couldn’t block it, and he picked up the piece of steel, and brushed the grass off of her. Then he hooked his arms around her head, slowly he picked through his pocket, with a circular object, that happen to be coated in steel. His eyes tear, he began to speak, but Beunka cut him off sharply, and touch the ‘open’ button to the coated circular object. The crimson beam of light soaked in the Aron, with a cry Beunka was locked inside, or was she?

Phantom Kat
04-23-2008, 11:37 PM
Sorry about not regrading this earlier, crazy weekend and projects. x_x

I like the addition to the ending but most of the grammar was still incorrect. Uggh, this was really tough, I really had to think about this; I kept going back and forth in the decisions. However, since I think that you tried your best and you may not know exactly how to fix up all those fragments (the overall story is really good), I'll say: Aron captured!

You still have a problem with fragments and I REALLY recommend in knowing how to avoid them before you write another story because that can cause you to fail despite the fact that the overall story is really good (some graders are really picky with grammar). If you want, you can PM me and I'll help you (you just can't do some things in a grade ^^;) or you can ask a teacher or parent for help; it will really help your stories and you will be able to capture practically any Pokemon you want.

- Kat