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Linoone
02-25-2008, 02:53 AM
~Like I said before (again) i don't have MS Word and can't download it. And fomr my mistakes before, I will try to make tis successful..

Going for: Roselia
Difficulty: Medium
Characters Needed: 10k-20k
Have characters?: 14,642


The bright, glaring sun shown through the window of the forest. As the sun arose over the tall mountains, a kid named Brenton Barret, was touring through the forest. He had shiny black hair. Brenton was a determined, Australian 12 year old, that wore blue jeans and a gray shirt, with red sleeves. He had only 3 Pokemon. they were Shellder, Bronzong, and a Luxio. His lucky Bronzong, was his first Pokemon. The Shellder, also a determined battler, was a shiny Pokemon. Whenever he sighted this Pokemon, he was amused and as always, determined to catch it. The forest was calm this morning, with little Pidgeys chirping throughout the forest.

"Hehe, tis is a wonderful pace to train.." Brenton smiled.

While he glared though the sky, a Pokeball popped out of his and Luxio slipped out.

"Lux, Lux!" He roared.

"So, you mean. . .it's dangerous in there? It possibly can't be dangerous! I mean, it's so calm!" And while he was arguing, a few Noctowls and Pidgeys flew out the forest, seeming scared in a way. Then a silhouetted figure pooped out of a red, dirty bush and attacked Luxio.

"LUX-X-X!!" The Pokemon cried.

The shadowy, medium-sized Pokemon easily ran away without being frightened or sad.

"T-t-hat was freaky," Brenton shivered.

Continuing through forest, and on guard, Brenton and Luxio spotted a Pokemon Center.

"It is getting late. . .so I guess we can sleep there," Brenton and Luxio started tiptoeing toward the center.

The Pokemon center wasn't empty. It had about 3 other Pokemon Trainers with there Pokemon. While staring at the center, a nice, calm, nurse, Nurse Joy, spotted Brenton like a target.

"Were you a victim of that silhouetted Pokemon?" She asked.

"Why yes I am, how did you know? Are these people also victims?" Brenton screamed.

All the other trainers stared toward him.

"Please be quiet, we have Pokemon and trainers sleeping in the Main Room. This is the Healing Room. Also, yes, these are victims..and I know this because it happened a few days ago," she sighed, "I was just walking through the forest with my Chansey. it was a lovable Pokemon. A wonderful, helpful Pokemon too. And when we were walking, I stopped to give Chansey a berry, except when I got the, berry, a dark figure, which was the silhouette, attacked me. Chansey came to help but the possibly Pokemon took Chansey towards a tree and hid her..I was so sad," she cried.

"That sounds so sad. . .maybe we can help?"

"Maybe, but you should get some rest first. .you are sleepy right?" She asked.

"Why yes I am!!" He cheered.

"Good, because we only have one room left," she grinned.

The next day started out with a shock. Half the Pokemon Trainers woke up early to search for the Pokemon. A kid nearby Brenton's dorm, said that the "figure" could be a Pokemon. That reminded Brenton of what Joy said..

"Were you a victim of that silhouetted Pokemon?" She asked.

This disturbed Brenton a lot. Did she know about the figure, he thought.

Now, Brenton was lazy, and grumpy when he woke up. Luxio was very sorry whenever he electrocuted Brenton.

"LUXIO!!!" Brenton screamed.

"Lux-lux-lux!" He cried.

"Sorry Luxio. . ."

Brenton grinned at Luxio and just puled him into the Pokeball.

The day was dark and scary. Very different than yesterday. Whenever the boy was leaving, a few cops were speeding through the forest. One pulled up to Brenton.

"Have you seen this person, mister?" She screamed.

He shook his head.

"Do you no anything about him?"

He shook his head again.

"He is a crook. He belongs to Team Magma. People say he is the leader. . ."

Right when she said Maxie, he glared away and didn't pay attention. Brenton used to belong to Team Magma, except when he found out that Maxie was making Pokemon controllable and evil. He was just to caring for Pokemon.

"--Are you even listening to me?" She yelled like a maniac.

Brenton shocked a little and replied with shaking his head up and down.

"Now, let me get back to my discussion. Maxie started making Pokemon evil and uncontrollable whenever he was charged in war with Team Aqua. Team Aqua won, so he used those Pokemon more often. About a year before he used them more often, the news said that a member of the team quit. Could that be you?" She stared.

"Yes, yes it is," Brenton frowned.

"We want you to catch that Pokemon. The 'shadowy figure' is a Pokemon by the way. And it is being controlled by a collar that Team Magma has. And since you used to be on that team, we want you to serve them right and catch it, so they get all mad and stuff," she smiled.

"Um. . .OK?" He cocked his head.

After 2 hours of searching, Brenton stumbled to a cave. The place was very eerie and ominous. About halfway, he heard a voice.

"Join my team-join my team-join my team. . .again," It called.

"Maxie! I shall not ever join your team! After what you did," Brenton screamed.

No reply.

"Maxie? Maxie? MAXIE!!!" He yelled louder.

A few minutes late,his eyes opened slowly, and he found himself in a dungeon.

"W-w-where am I?" He cried.

"Hehe, you loser, you're in a dungeon. You fool," a voice echoed.

It was a Magma Grunt. Not just a 'Grunt', but a Commander. Her name was Christine. She had black hair, glasses, but barely noticeable. Brenton remembered her from the "old days."

She was quiet for a long time. Then she spoke up.

"Look, I am gonna bust you out. You're one of my friends and I don't want you to go in a Pokemon Death-match Battle. I am very fond of you," she blushed.

Then she grabbed a set of keys and unlocked the door. Then handed me a disguise that appeared as a Magma overall-thing. Brenton slipped it on and we walked out towards the main room.

"We might get stuck watching the Death-match. You were gonna battle tomorrow," she sighed.

She was right. They did get stuck. But, Brenton enjoyed watching the battle. It was two adults. One had a Dodrio and one had a Pikachu.

"Pikachu, use a Thunder!" One cried.

The bolting electricity shot out like missiles and blasted towards the Dodrio. That Dodrio was pretty fast. It dodge the bolt and speeded toward Pikachu.

"Use Peck!"

The Dodrio started charging and lifted it's heads. Then, it used an Agility. Which was a surprise. The Pokemon was so fast, it looked like I couldn't see it. The Pikachu was blown like a Boxer punching a baby. Which didn't seem enjoyable in Brenton's mind.

"Yes!" One cheered.

The Pikachu got up an started using Charge. The bolts of little electricity was flowing through it's little, stubby cheeks.

"PIKKKKACHUUU!!" It roared.

Then, the Dodrio stumbled toward the ground. It lay fainted.

The man that had the Dodrio was crying as much as he can. Now Brenton knew, he would never join Team Magma again.
Then Christine and Brenton started shoving people toward the Exit. Whenever they got through the Exit, a maze appeared.

"Damnit, I forgot about this," she sighed.

"Maze?" Brenton asked.

"They built it whenever a chain of prisoners got out. And I forgot how to get out of this," she explained.

The Maze was built of steel, and it had layers of red lasers on top of it.

"Be careful, traps could be anywhere," she blurted.

They both tiptoed through the grass on the floor. Brenton was a careless person, so he had to be extra careful. The boots that Team Magma had to wear were very uncomfortable, and hard to walk in.

"You've been quiet," Christine wispered.

"I've just been focused," Brenton also whispered.

"We're almost to the end, and I remember what is the last part, so be on guard,"

While saying that, two Pokemon that seemed like Geodude and Mawile, but had collars on.

"Geo! GEO!!" Geodude freaked.

"Battle, I'll go against Mawile," Christine stated.

Then I threw a Pokeball towards the ceiling, and popped out a shell with a tongue.

"Shellder! Start out with an Icicle Spear!"

Then a row of massive, sheering cold icicles flew towards Geodude. The Pokemon then pulled back it's fist and rushed the punch toward the icicles. In a row, they all were destroyed.

"Wow. . .it's strong. ."

The Geodude was fast also. It rushed and flew a flaming punch and Shellder started to burn.

"Shell! Shell!" The Shellder cried.

"Man, well Shellder! Dose yourself of with a Water Gun!"

The flowing water hit the ground, but then bounced toward Geodude and it almost fainted. The Pokemon was recharging with the collar.

"Hurry and go with an Icicle Spear!" Brenton screamed.

Then, the icicles didn't go in a row. So this made Geodude trapped. The Pokemon just guarded itself but it still got hit and it fewlll down and lay fainted. A few seconds after the Geodude fell, Christine used a Fire Blast on the Mawile with her Magmar.

"Good job, but now people know we are escaping," she sighed.

Brenton and Christine were going to have to walk pretty far. Luckily, Brenton had a map, and he made directions to sleep at.

"Man, that's too far," Christine argued.

"No it's not if you're being chased," he argued back.

"Fine," she crossed her arms.

The night was going slow. Some meteors were flying through the sky, like bullets. It took almost 1 hours to get to the destination. And Brenton had only 2 sleeping bags, so the Pokemon had to stay in their Pokeball.

Brenton couldn't go to sleep. He was too disturbed, from Team Magma, Nurse Joy, and the Pokemon. With his deranged thinking mind, he just hopped up and put his stuff up. Then he wrote a note on an extra paper, which said, "Dear Christine, I have too many problems and must solve them now. Hopefully you won't get caught and you can catch up with me. And-," while he was writing, Christine seemed to turn the direction of Brenton and said, "Brenton, if you're leaving, I am coming with you."

"Why?" He asked.

"Because you're my friend," she replied.

Then with her getting up, Brenton just dosed out the fire with Shellder. Brenton was angry. Christine could tell. He seem angry to her. But she didn't really know.

"Get a Pokemon out, in case something attacks," Brenton blurted.

She spun a Pokeball on the tip of her hand, and a shiny, white, lustery light came from the Pokeball and a Chimchar appeared.

"Chim! Chimmy!" It cheered.

The two humans an the 2 Pokemon set out to walk. Brenton stopped. he reached into the knapsack on his back and then pulled out his Map. The Map showed a river, a Pokemon Center (the one Brenton went to), and a big Valley, with the river running through it.

"We go here," Brenton pointed to the middle of the forest, by the Center," and then we will look for the Pokemon, by splitting up in two groups.

"What if one of us find the Pokemon?" Christine asked.

"Um. . .well, just sent up a beam or something with Chimchar, like Flamethrower," Brenton agreed.

"What about you?" Christine laughed.

"Oh, I forgot about me."

Christine laughed even harder.

"Now, I'll do the same thing, like sending up Ice Beam. Simple," Brenton reasoned.

They all started walking toward the destination, again. This time, Christine made sure no one stopped. She could here some Magma Grunts around the forests, even though they were going, "Hey dude, you want some cupcakes?"

Brenton thought is was hilarious, but Christine thought otherwise.


'Wait, I'm confused-" Brenton allured Christine saying, "Like always?"

Brenton grunted and cocked his shoulder.

"Now, where are we going again," Brenton quietly stumbled out of his mouth.

"We are going to. . .erm. . .oh yeah! We are going to find that Pokemon, remember?" Christine solved.

"Oh yeah..well lets split up now!" Brenton pulled up his fist and made a humongous smile.

Brenton paced up and forth waiting for the Pokemon to strike, after walking a fourth of a mile, which wasn't that tiring. Brenton occasionally worked out every week. . .which didn't seem "good" to Christine.

While pacing, Brenton was thinking. About Christine. Did she bail of looking for the Pokemon? Many things raced through his mind, again. While staring at his Pokeball, a bush next to him rattled. Then shook even more. And it was so disturbing you could think a Magmortar was in it!

Then a 'pop' sounded from the bush and out came many needles with little poison threads on the tip.

"It's. . .! It's. . .!" Brenton struggled.

Then out flew a Roselia. With it's roses waving in the air, the ferocious flower covered the sun and threw more needles.

"GO!! LUXIO!!" Brenton yelled, with a flowing, white stream of energy, out came a Luxio.

Start with a Discharge, the though roared through his mind, and then remembered to shoot up a beam in the air!

He pointed to the electrifying canine and out of it was a big bolt of blue lightning.

Christine suddenly turned toward the blue light.

"Hope you win, Brenton," Christine whispered and walked toward the Magma Base.

"Darnit! Why won't she come!" Brenton roared, while protecting himself and Luxio from poison needles.

Then his eyes got wide and he pulled back his arm and grabbed Luxio. While growling, Luxio charged with little sparks surrounding his body. Finally, Brenton chucked the cat-thing at Roselia and the Roselia was blown toward a lake. The Roselia's roses started glowing, but it also was shooting the poison needles with it's roses also.

"Dodge, then bight that freakin' thing with a Crunch!" Brenton told Luxio.

The bright light around Luxio started to turn dim and then it's jaws opened wide as an Arbok's jaw. The cat-thing then flew across the dirt and struck the Roselia's head with it's mouth.

"Stay Luxio! Don't let go!"

Luxio's jaw seemed to sore, but Roselia was falling slightly toward the ground, from Luxio's power. But little did Brenton know, Roselia's roses stopped growing and getting brighter. Then the Roselia smiled. A green and white beam shot out it's roses and the beam flew toward the ground, striking waves of dirt across the trees around Brenton and the Pokemon.

"Ah!!!" Brenton flew back about 5 feet on the dirt floor.

While glaring at Luxio and Roselia, Luxio was in a tree rocking while Roselia was floating on the river streaming with the flow.

"Return Luxio, you've done good. So come out Bronzong!!" Brenton whispered.

The massive monster rang with a singing sound. "Bronzong!"

"Now, Use Extrasensory one for all!" Brenton ordered Bronzong.

The Pokemon pulled back and aimed at Roselia, then it focused its mind and the Roselia felt taunted and roselia's mind got struck. The Roselia was laying in the water. It tried to get up, but stumbled in the pool of flowing water.

"NOW!!" Brenton roared.

A Bright red and white Pokeball ran toward Roselia and the Pokemon got strucked into the ball. It shook once, then twice, then. . .

~Done!~

Leman
03-05-2008, 11:24 PM
I'll be grading this. :O

Since you don't have Word, you might want to copy+paste it into this: :O (http://www.spellcheck.net/) Expect a grade in a couple hours.

EDIT: I gave you time to use the spell-checker right now, but it doesn't look like you did.

EDIT2: uggh My comp died and I lost everything in the grade. ;__;

Sorry. I'll post it tomorrow.

EDIT3: Finally. >_<

Plot:

A guy who used to be in Team Magma gets hired by the Police to find a mysterious silhouette Pokemon. So he goes to look for it, but he gets captured by Team Magma. An old teammate lets him escape, and the two of them go looking for the Pokemon. The teammate abandons him once he finds the Pokemon, so he has to deal with it by himself. This mysterious Pokemon happens to be a Roselia.

This plot overall was very good. I liked how it was sort of the “Kid walks into the forrest and finds a Pokemon with a twist and a background plot” That last bit makes it all the worthwhile. If the Pokemon just happened to show up, then you wouldn’t have any chance what-so-ever. Keep working on coming up with these interesting plots. :)

Introduction:

It was OK. You didn't really describe much of the Pokemon or the characters. That’s a really bad thing to do. It leaves the reader in the dark about the entire story to come. We barely have any idea of what’s going on. That’s bad. It makes your story much, much, much more confusing. D:

You also want to include a hook to keep your reader reading. Otherwise nobody will bother reading. Even if you're ashamed of this story, you still want to put a hook in.

Btw, a hook is something that draws the reader in and makes them want to keep reading. D:

Grammar/Spelling:

Eww this was pretty bad. There were three standout things that you did:

1. Numbers.

You didn’t spell out numbers under ten. Everything 1-10 should be spelled out. Ex:1 should be ‘one’

2. Dialogue

When you are using quotations, you should not capitalize the word directly after the quotes unless it’s, I, a name, or the beginning of a new sentence.

’Lux, Lux!” He roared.

‘He’ should be un-capitalized. It’s not the beginning of a sentence.

3. Typos >_<

You had many, many, many typos even after I gave you the spellchecker. Just read through your story to get them all. Its not that hard, takes you about ten minutes, and it really helps out your stories.

Those were the most common. There are other mistakes which I’ll point out too.

Then handed me a disguise that appeared as a Magma overall-thing. Brenton slipped it on and we walked out towards the main room.

You switched from third person to first person and then back to third again. Try to keep it on one. D:

It dodge the bolt and speeded toward Pikachu.

dodged* Keep it in the same tense.

The Pikachu was blown like a Boxer punching a baby. Which didn't seem enjoyable in Brenton's mind.

Those should be one sentence. The second one is a fragment. Also, ‘boxer’ shouldn’t be capitalized.

"Man, well Shellder! Dose yourself of with a Water Gun!"

‘Dose’ should be ‘douse’.

Length:

Fine. Just in the center. Good.

Details:

Next to none here. That’s...bad.

You want to describe everything. That means the surroundings, the Pokemon, and the people. Honestly you told me about none of those. You might want to read some other people's stories if you want to get an idea of what and how to describe things. I don't have much else to criticize about because there were so few details.

Like for example, what did the interior of the Pokemon center look like? Was it large and open? Dingy and dirty? Massive and brilliantly colored? It can be almost anything. Remember to give me a word, at least to describe your things with. (things being everything)

You especially need to describe battles like:

A few seconds after the Geodude fell, Christine used a Fire Blast on the Mawile with her Magmar.

What does the Fire Blast look like? You need to show the reader the burning cross that flowed out of Magmars duck-like mouth. Otherwise its just boring and bland. You want your story to be a vibrant and colorful story. Honestly this was not a well-described story.

Reality:

So a Pokemon just happened to be in the middle of nowhere? Right… Usually they are in metropolitan places or in popular spots that people often travel to. Ex: Rock Tunnel entrance. This one just happened to be in front of Brenton

The Pikachu got up an started using Charge. The bolts of little electricity was flowing through it's little, stubby cheeks.

"PIKKKKACHUUU!!" It roared.

Then, the Dodrio stumbled toward the ground. It lay fainted.

You never told me if the Pokemon actually attacked. =/ Did he just fall over? That doesn’t seem probable.

Battle:

It was somewhat bland. The real problem with it came from your lack of descriptions. You didn’t describe any of the attacks at all. You used the Surroundings nicely, and the battle was good and intense. I like how you let Roselia spring right out of the jaws of defeat (literally O_o), and beat Luxio. I wish it had gotten an attack or two in on Bronzong but meh. In terms of attacks it was fine.

As I mentioned before, descriptions was where this was really lacking. You should read up the previous section, and apply it to this area and you’ll be fine. The battles were more described than the overall story, but you will still need some more descriptions.

Outcome:

*sigh* The overall story and plot behind this story. I liked how you structured the battle well, however you forgot to put in the filling of the story, the stuff that makes it good to read; the details. What you have here is a nice skeleton for a story, in need of a spell check. I’m still gonna have to say Roselia Not Captured!! Add details and spell check it, and you can have it. D:

Linoone
03-05-2008, 11:58 PM
I'll be grading this. :O

Since you don't have Word, you might want to copy+paste it into this: :O (http://www.spellcheck.net/) Expect a grade in a couple hours.

OK, I will use that now on. :O