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The Jr Trainer
02-26-2008, 12:11 AM
[This was originally for a Rhyhorn, so if it doesn't make much sense at the end... you'll know why. @_@]

The Sand Academy

Prologue

As a young, sixteen year old boy sat on his brown-stained wood chair as he slowly wrote out a small essay for his class tomorrow. The heat of the unusually hot day made it all the more harder to write. Every now and then he’d have the wipe his forehand under his, now sweaty and wet, light brown hair. As he wrote the essay dinner was ready, so he took a break. The essay only having to be a page and a half was nothing more than a small assignment, but the heat was slowing him down. He needed to get his grades up, his parents just couldn’t deal with his low grades before; they knew he was a smart kid, but he didn’t apply himself at all.

“Dinner!” his mother yelled up the stairwell to the boy whom sat in his room writing, his small, boney fingers began to sweat as he wrote faster and faster, almost wanting to rip his hair out at the frustration that was coming upon him as he wrote, he just about ignored, or didn’t hear his mom from being so intensely indulged into his writing. “Tristan, get down here now!” she yelled, now furious, exploding on Tristan for not coming down right away. His mother was quite a strict person; she wanted people to do what she told them to do right when she told them.

“Wait, what…” the words hadn’t sunk into his mind yet, “oh yeah, dinner!” he shouted to himself, sounding like a fool.

He walked down the neat, brown stained stairs, which led to the laundry room where the white, metal, machines washed and dried the dirty clothes. The small room led into the kitchen, where his mom and sister sat waiting for him; his mom made everyone wait till all four of the family members were down and sitting for dinner, things had to be perfect through her eyes; everything.

---

After a very silent dinner Tristan walked back upstairs to try and finish the essay… eventually finishing, but not very satisfied with his work he just continued on with the rest of his plans for the day. It was seven PM by the time he’d finished the essay, he got up from the, now uncomfortable chair and walked into the bathroom, going to brush his teeth for the night. Going around as planned, he walked through the small, now seemingly empty house, to do the chores he hadn’t done when he first got home because of the dumb essay.

“Sheeesh, what’s so important about writing an essay on how different roles Pokémon play in battle going to help me. I couldn’t win a battle to save my life… this dumb tournament tomorrow at school is just going to make me look more like a fool then I already am,” he murmured to himself angry at the essay he just finished, his voice was cut out by the vacuum cleaner he’d been using; no one else heard what he said, even though he said it generally loud. He didn’t want to go to school the next day, he would just make himself look like a dumb kid that didn’t know what he was doing; most of the girls in his school were better than him, which he thought wasn’t right.

“I’m never going to be a good trainer…” he shook himself up, getting angry on the inside. But, happy that he finally finished vacuuming, which was his only chore for today.

---

As the clock hit nine o’clock Tristan ran up the stairs, getting ready to go to bed. He pulled off the dark colored top blanket covering his bed, then unraveled the silky sheets and hoped in, noticing he’d not turn his lights off, he got up and did so… a shock blasted out from the switch and Tristan got a good surge of it, his hair grew very static charged, it was about an inch up in the air for a few second before he patted it down with his somewhat chubby hands.

The room grew dark, just about to the point where you couldn’t see a single thing, nothing was a very light color, and everything seemed to be dark and scary at this time of day. The room cooled, even with the heat that zoomed from the outside the room was cool, and cold. It was like an unsightly presence was their, Tristan didn’t mind it though, he just cuddled the dark sheets and blanket over him and went to sleep.

===

I


Tristan walked into a big stadium, filled with students and teachers alike. The roars of the crowd were intense, it seemed like everyone was screaming down at the two competitors. From the seat Tristan had “scored” as he said, all you could really see two small ant-like objects jumping at each other and shooting flames, spouts of water, and whatnot.

Finally the time came; it was Tristan’s turn to battle. Before hand, he’d gotten down to the first level up the extremely tall stadium. One of his teachers, Mr. Dufault, had him set up against the strongest kid in Tristan’s class. Which, when he figured this out, he wasn’t too happy to know.

Upon his name being called out, he went to the small platform that rose from the underground of the stadium itself. Both trainers were on platforms that rose about ten feet from the ground, one blue and one red. Tristan, was on the blue platform as it rose up, his opponents name was called, “Now announcing, one of the best. Maybe even the best, the one, and the only… Michael Threat!” yelled the small man that was the referee of this battle.

Michael’s platform shot up from the ground, his shining, long blonde hair flowing back in the gusts of the just forming winds. Tristan grabbed a small orb from his belt that was suspended from his dulled out, blue jeans, which were filled with holes, the hair blew through his pant leg, giving a small coolness through his entire body.

“This will be a two versus two battle,” both participants nodded, “Now… send Pokémon!” yelled the black shirted referee. The Pokeball Tristan held in his hand he threw into the hair with great excitement, while Michael just tossed the ball out as if this were a boring game of table tennis.

Out of Tristan’s red and white orb came a small, white Pokémon with a paint brush looking tail, the tip of the tail looked as if it were just dipped in a can of blue paint, dripping off of the tail was the blue paint, the small Pokémon just sat and waited for arrival of it’s opponent.

From the other orb which frolicked in the air for some time, eventually came down and shoot out a bright red flash, leaving a small, brown, mole looking creature. “Now Dugtrio, use a fearsome Earthquake!” the boy on the red platform yelled. His small Pokémon dug into the grounds off the rocky earth that had been around them, the ground started to shake, the tips of the huge and tiny rocks’ tips started to shatter, eventually Tristan got the clue and call out an attack.

“Use, uh, Bounce!” the brown haired boy yelled to his Pokémon. The small white Pokémon bounced on it’s tall up very high, by the time it was falling down the Dugtrio was coming up from its small trip underground.

“What, no! Dodge it!” yelled Michael, but it was too late, Smeargle had been going too fast, it shot down and smashed Dugtrio right in its small light brown nose. The mole stopped moving all the sudden, it couldn’t move, but nonetheless, Michael tried to attack with it still, “Fissure, finish this!” but the Pokémon didn’t move an inch.

“Okay. We got this! Use an Ice Beam!”

The Pokémon proceeded with great force, it stood and it’s mouth doubled in size, as it opened it’s mouth a beam of crystal blue came shooting out, smashing Dugtrio, but it was concealed in the ground so deeply it didn’t get to move, and being paralyzed from the Bounce attack, it couldn’t go under or to the left or right; it was a sitting goose. As the beam of ice keep going at it, the small mole like creature fell to the side, not moving.

“Dugtrio is knocked out! Send another Pokémon into battle,” said the referee; shocked that the small white Pokémon took out a furious Pokémon like Dugtrio.

Another orb blew up in the wind and out came a gigantic green looking rock type, all the sudden a sandstorm started to blow, decreasing the ability to see, all the sudden a giant creature flew out from the insides of the storm and slashed at Smeargle with its huge white claws, that looked as if they could rip through diamonds.

Smeargle fell to the rocky ground, getting scrapped even more by the flying rocks and sand from the newly emerged sandstorm. The scraps from the monster that seemed to be Michaels second Pokémon, were very deep, so deep that blood was seeping out of them slowly.

“Your next Pokémon?” asked the referee through the thickness of the storm.

Tristan thought and thought… what could stop something that big and scary? Something had to be able to stop it. He though and eventually something popped into his mind, the static from last night with the switch and the paralysis from before, if he could incorporate that into one strategy he might be able to win… but he didn’t have anything else that could produce a static charge.

“Wait... I got something… go Rhyhorn!”

Yet, another red and white orb shot out releasing a big, rhino like creature, but this one was made entirely of rocks. It’s plated of rock made its body very durable, but from something this crazy and vicious, Tristan wasn’t so sure, but he did know that the sandstorm wasn’t affecting Rhyhorn at the littlest bit.

“Commence battle.” the referee held out his hand in a sign showing that the two could continue to battle.

The big, bulky rock typed rhino was ready for battling, and looked like it was ready to go in and kill someone, or thing.

“Rhyhorn, use Rain Dance!”

The rhino began to cry out loudly, calling out something as if he were calling for a mate, then all the sudden the horrendous sandstorm stopped and rain began to fall, hard. The opponent that had knocked out Smeargle appeared; a giant beast, looked like it had come from thousands of years ago, a dinosaur like Pokémon had appeared, and looked angry, furious, anyway you could describe wanting to kill, that was what the beast looked like.

“Now, try a Thunderbolt attack!”

The rhino made a slight grunt and a bolt of electricity went flying toward the newly emerged Tyranitar that had been hidden in the abyss of the sandstorm. The strong electric bolt was shooting towards the gigantic rock beast that had just emerged, but instead changed course and went for the horn on Rhyhorn’s head. Hitting it the electricity absorbed in, “Now go hit Tyranitar with your horn!” commanded Tristan, trying out this trick he’d just thought of.

The big, heavy rhino charged at it’s glaring opponent, not affected by its deadly stare at the least, he ran up to it sparking electricity from it’s horn, once getting to Tyranitar, Rhyhorn smashed its horn into the unaware beast. The huge, dark green, dinosaur made a huge moaning roar sound and started to tumble around unconscious looking.

“What just happened?!” asked the surprised opponent, “what kind of technique is that…” he said to himself as his Pokémon slowly started to fall over from the unbearable pain.

The giant dark green dinosaur-like creature hit the ground making the ground itself almost tremble in great pain.

“What… the…” Michael was interrupted by the referee.

“Tyranitar is knocked out!” said the ref, the crowd grew silent, “The underdog, Tristan Trickle wins the match and is placed into the next round!”

Michael whispered something into a device he’d pulled out of his blue, ragging, jeans pocket. Then, out of no where appeared a helicopter, dust and rocks blew everywhere, creating yet again, another sandstorm; this one though was not as furious and scary as the last one had been. The boy that had once been on the complete opposite side of Tristan was now on a small string and wood ladder, climbing up into the black helicopter.

“Return Rh--” Tristan began as soon as him winning sunk into his brain, he tried not to look to excited, like this was what he’d planed to do the whole entire time, but no, he just thought of it by luck, his words were interrupted though, by a flash of yellow light; almost blinding anyone that looked into it.

As the flash disappeared everyone in the stadium was completely quiet, as if someone had just been killed. Tristan noticed as he slowly got his eyesight back that his Rhyhorn was missing. “They must’ve taken him,” he said to himself, then ran off the platform on which he’d been calling his attacks out from during the battle.

---

Leaving the stadium site, and running out to the black paved parking lot looking around for the helicopter that had created such a misery for Tristan. “Why did they want Rhyhorn…” he questioned himself silently, trying to think of why he would want a first-evolution Pokémon. Just because it beat him, doesn’t mean it is the best Pokémon ever does it?

The teacher that had set the whole tournament pulled him right in front of Tristan in his nice, shiny red two-door car. “Get in, son,” he said very seriously, “I want to help you get your Rhyhorn back.” Tristan nodded, ran over to the other side of the clean car, and get in the passenger side. The leather seats stuck to his warm, sweaty body from the intense battle he'd just endured.

"I've got a feeling I know where that Michael kid is going." determined to find the Rhyhorn that was stolen the teacher hit the gas and floored the car out of the parking lot.

The Jr Trainer
09-20-2008, 09:53 PM
II

The sleek car drove across the dusty side-road that ran along the highway that was filled with early morning traffic, only being eight in the morning. Tristan looked out the window is complete despair, Where did they bring Rhyhorn... and why would Mr. Blachskee know where they took him. Or even have the slightest idea.

Blachskee looked at the Tristan; "I'm not a bad person..." he began, sounding somewhat sad.”I just want to help you get that Pokémon back, it was me that gave you it after all... you're father gave it to me." Tristan turned his head with surprised, eyes widened. He almost looked like a cartoon with his face stretched out in an amazement and surprise.

"Wait... WHAT?" he yelled excited, angered, saddened; every emotion he could show at that instant was showing clearly.

The muscular, intelligent- but short- teacher laughed at the weird facial expression that exploded onto Tristan's face, "Yes, haha, your father gave that Rhyhorn to me. Only for me to give it to you," he said in a very meaningful tone.

"That's, well," Tristan started, now calming down, "pretty damn awesome!" the excitement came back to his face and more of the sadness that had came to his mind when he thought of his deceased father.

They'd been driving for a long while now; the road was getting dustier as they went along too, almost turning into a sandstorm. This reminds me of the battle I had earlier... the sand that rages there was just a bit thicker than it is right now.

"Well, oh my," the teacher began, "this sand is getting quite thick."

The sand grew stronger as they rode into a forest-looking area. The thick, green leaves of the forest made the sandstorm lesser of a factor, but nonetheless it was a factor and seemed to scrap up the car a little bit. Curious from the noise that erupted from the sand smashing into the sides of the, what was, a very nice care, Tristan looked down from the window and saw small scraps of paint that had flew off from the impact of the sand. "That strong... to rip off paint."

"Yes. I know we're going the right way now," excitement was thrown throughout his voice in that one single line. "This way should lead to the Sand Academy."

"The, uh, what?"

Chuckling Mr. Blachskee explained, "It's a place where trainers who love rock and ground types of Pokémon, and some trainers are steel trainers. But there is so many more rock and ground trainers, most of the students are evil-minded." Tristan's eye widened again, as they had before, "And, that is where Michael came from; he was so bad that they couldn't keep him and decided to 'kicked' him off to another school and 'luckily' we got him."

"Ahh, I see," so down this road lays that Academy, and where you think Michael is?" Tristan asked astonished, to the teacher who he had not admired until mere minutes ago.

"Yes." the simple answer that was it. "I'm almost one hundred percent sure of it," he added on, trying to see thought thickening storm.

Through the storm Tristan say something; a building? A huge building, in fact Tristan had an idea for a split second that it could've been the academy. He squinted trying to see, all he saw was the top of what was, he knew, a building. "Is that--"

"There it be!" Blackskee was pointing with one of his hands straight to the top of the unusual-orange building that Tristan had just noticed was about to ask about.

"S-so, Rhyhorn is or should, be in there?"

"Yes."

"Awesome!" Tristan raised his fist swiftly hitting the roof of the car, "Oww..."

His teacher chuckled at his foolishness.

They kept driving in the not-so-slick anymore car until they hit the front of the evil-trainer inhabitant school. Its front had heads of what looked like some form of hippo-type of Pokémon; they had big bold eyes that glared right back into the car. The front "door," or whatever they called it, looked like it was for a giant from hell or some unearthly place.

"Who are you? Trespassers? Intruders? What do you want?" a voice shot out from almost the middle-of-nowhere.

"I am Michael Blackskee, the first." The teacher's head fell as Tristan looked at him with a confused face.

Why would he tell them his name...? Maybe they know him. Tristan's eye widened at his thought. "They... know you?"

"Yes..." his response was toned down and very sad-induced.

"Ah. Mister Blackskee. You've come back... to teach here again?" he nodded in disagreement. "Then what the hell do you want?"

"I want my Rhyhorn back, you disgusting villain!" Tristan roared back to the voice that seemed to come from no where.

"Fine. Battle my drone, and you will get him back... possibly."

"Deal!"

A small hole appeared in the bottom of the huge door that was covered in vines, it looked so very old. And from that hole came a small round turquoise colored ball of metal, or so it looked. "This is your opponent," the voice told the thing that had come from the behind the door.

"I'll get this one, teach," Tristan said with tons of confidence. He rose a small orb from his pocket, red and white it was. He pressed the small gray button placed directly in the middle and the ball itself, tripled in size. "Go, Smeargle!"

From the red light that was released from the Pokeball was a human-like Pokémon, except it had a tail in which had a paint brush at the end of it. "Smeargle use Spore!"

At that moment a force-field surrounded the turquoise metal ball, and disables the spores from coming in contact with it.

"That was a Safeguard, you can't status it now," yelled the teacher who usually stayed out of battles, but he saw such a determination in his young student that he couldn't stop but help.

All the sudden a purple outline surrounded Smeargle, and then he began to levitate from the ground and was thrown about, A Psychic attack, thought Tristan. "Okay, Smeargle. Use Shadow Ball!" Smeargle struggled to grab his tail, which he could then be able to make the move. But he never could get to it. Bronzor, though, ran out of energy eventually and Smeargle was dropped down to the dusty ground.

"Okay, now Ice Beam!"

Smeargle grabbed hold of his tail and began to move it about, creating an Ice Beam that shot out of his tail. It sparkled through the dirt filled air, making its way for Bronzor. Then smashing through the Safeguard making contact with the steel plate of Pokémon.

His body wiggled back and forth, but stayed floating upon the air, levitating. "That's not doing much. What can I take this Pokémon down with..." his whispered to himself. Smeargle's tail began to glow a glorious shiny red color. "Fire?" Smeargle shook his head in agreement. "You only have... Ember. Well, might as well try it!"

Smeargle's tail began to glow a darker red and then darker, then sparks began to shot out of his tail, blowing at Bronzor, but then they were redirected with Bronzor's special powers. Tristan shook his head and doubt filled his mind.

With his guard down and Smeargle distracted by dodging the flames being flung back at him, Bronzor was able to produce a giant ball of dark energy, then shooting it toward the statues that stood around the battle grounds, all of them were destroyed; the rubble was in place for seconds then it began to slowly fall from the giant stoops and aiming for Smeargle and Tristan, as it was about to hit a force field was produced around them.

"Good, good, Starmie," remarked the teacher. He'd let out his old Pokémon, of who was trained for evil but never seemed to enjoy it. "I think I'll get the rest of this battle, Tristan. Starmie needs a nice battle."

The metallic looking star made a very odd noise and took a sharp look at the new opponent. "You want to go at it by yourself?" Starmie shook its head, which was its entire body.

A pump of water shot from the middle shiny gem that was encrusted in the Pokémon, it made contact with the entirety of Bronzor's body and he was ripped back from his stance and then smashed against the door, making a dent on both itself and the door. Out of the dust that was created from the last attack came a burst of electricity and Starmie had no problem dodging it... the first time. It came back around and made contact with the star fish and it seemed to take a bunch of pain, but kept at the battle, not wanting to lose.

"One last attack, Starmie," said Mr. Blackskee. "Hyper Beam!"

In moments, it seemed, a blast of blinding light came exploding from the whole body of the Pokémon, then made when it hit Bronzor it exploded in light and made a loud noise, bashing the Bronzor back into the door, which it had only moved paces away from.

It hit the ground with a thud and then didn't seem to move anymore. "Want to do the honors, Tristan?" He nodded and grabbed an empty Pokeball from his pocket.

"Go, Pokeball!" a red light, once again, came from the ball and it sucked up the fainted Pokémon, and then began to wiggle...

---

Ch. so far: 22,733 characters
Pokemon: Bronzor
Category: Medium [10-20k]

Ready for grade!!!

Stinky
09-27-2008, 01:36 AM
Story/Plot: Tristan is in a tournament at his school, although he is not a very good battler. Somehow, he manages to win against his opponent, but in his opponent’s anger at losing, his opponent abducts Tristan’s Pokemon. With the help of his teacher, Tristan tracks his opponent down to a place where rock-type trainers train, and battles a Bronzor to be allowed into the facility.

This was pretty good, in the future, for other stories, make sure to develop the relationships between your characters. Keep up the good work.

Introduction: This was good. You introduced your character, and told what he was doing, and why he was doing it, and you set the mood for the tournament, making Tristan out as the clear underdog. Only thing I have to say here is to try and describe his features a little more, like his eye color, physique, etc.

Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty good, I found few errors. Try to put your character’s thoughts in italics, in the future.
As he wrote the essay dinner was ready, so he took a break.
You should have a comma between essay and dinner, as you need a pause in the sentence or it sounds weird. I noticed this in a couple places throughout your story; try reading the story aloud or in your head to see where you need pauses.
he scraps from the monster that seemed to be Michaels second Pokémon, were very deep, so deep that blood was seeping out of them slowly.
You want to show possession of the Pokemon, so put an apostrophe in between the l and the s in Michaels.
It’s plated of rock made its body very durable,
When you want to show possession with the pronoun “it”, you don’t need an apostrophe. And I found this sentence a little weird-sounding; did you mean “Its rock plated body”…?
Where did they bring Rhyhorn... and why would Mr. Blachskee know where they took him. Or even have the slightest idea.
The sentence “Or even have the slightest idea” is a fragment, you should combine it with the previous sentence.

Detail/Description: Overall, this was fairly good. You described your surroundings and people, as well as Pokemon, and you did a great job on describing their attacks. Only problem I had here was that you could’ve described your people a little better, like their clothes, hair, eyes, etc.

Battle: This was probably the weakest aspect of the story. You didn’t really use a variety of moves, and your battles were short, and the one with Tyranitar was very unrealistic. Tyranitar would not have fainted from a Thunderbolt combined with a Horn Attack (or so I assumed it to be) from a Pokemon like Rhyhorn. The battle with Bronzor was better, probably due to ou having more writing experience (looking at the posting dates ;D).

Length: Over the suggested range here, good job.

Outcome: The grammar was fairly good, along with the detail. The unrealistic battle was rather off putting, but overall, I felt that this story was pretty good. Bronzor Captured! Have fun with the strange blue thing.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Short grade. x_x

The Jr Trainer
09-27-2008, 02:23 AM
Thanks! :D

Yea, the story wasn't very super overall good, but I knew it wasn't I just threw together about half of it quite fast and posted it.