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Legendary Wolf
02-27-2008, 01:05 AM
~Hearthrome Hauntings~

May 7


Strange things keep happening here. Though I haven’t experienced any of it, I’ve heard stories and blood curling screams. I might not here anything because of my big mop of a hair ball I have on the up-side on my head. People keep telling me I should dye my hair color to a lighter brown so it would match my dark brown eyes a bit more, because dark brown eyes never work that much with bright blonde hair.

At least I have the support of my awesome Spheal to keep me going, his ocean-blue body fits perfectly with his creamy blue eyes. His perfectly rounded body lets him roll around anywhere leaving a small slippery trail behind him. I remember when I first caught him with my little sister.

We were playing around Snowpoint City on vacation when we found a small blue river. Coming from Veilstone this was pretty awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

“C’mon Ares,” the little brown haired five year old called.

“I don’t think we should go that way, Vully,” Ares cried back, his small seven year old body not intimidating Vully.

“But hey, look there’s a ball down there!” yelled the girl named after a particular Vulpix.

“Alright alright I’m coming.” The small boy gathered his body and made his way down the steep hill towards the calmly flowing river. Vully was the first one to reach the ball, but when she tried to pick it up a tail poked up, surprising Vully she let go of the bowling ball Pokemon.

“It’s a Pokemon!” Ares shouted and dove out to jump at the falling Pokemon. The little boy was surprised when he held it up and it starting licking his side. “That tickles!” he laughed out.

“Let’s take him home, Ares!” Vully shouted.

“That’s exactly what I wanted to say,” Ares said tucking the Spheal in between his arms, and carried him home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Man can I remember that day well. I’ve never wanted to get another Pokemon after him in fear of him losing hope in me when I started to train someone else. Well, true that was a few years ago when I was seven, I’m fourteen now, but still. I could never get the feeling of having another on the team.


May 8

Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate school? Well I do. There’s always so much drama like,

“Oh, did you know that Ken likes Barbie and when they grow up they’re going to get married,” in that little squeaky voice. Well I absolutely hate it, there is way too much of it at this school. Hearthrome Middle, what a joke that place is. How are we supposed to learn with this person likes this person everywhere.

Well, anyway today I got to school and immediately had a fight with some popular kid named Bobby, Bobby has sandy hair and brown- almost red eyes. For some strange reason everyone likes him even though he picks his nose and yells at everyone, including the teacher. Honestly, I really don’t know why, even if he had a billion dollars.

He started yelling at me about how pathetic it is having one Pokemon, especially one so basic and un-evolved. I tried to zone him out and keep moving towards the front steps but he just kept yelling, so I took out my sparkling golden red custom Pokeball with a star etched into it and threw it at the floor. And whattdya’ know, Spheal is there with a really grim face on.

Bobby then looked taken aback and on that I pulled out my Pokemon. So before he pulls out his, he picks his nose, throws it in the grass and takes out his Pokeball, it was the normal red and white one too. So I took the chance to snicker. When he touched his Pokeball you don’t know how sorry I was for the Pokemon inside.

The bright crimson light pained my eyes its black accessories made the pain tempting enough to run, but I didn’t. By this point a group of kids had came to watch, including a girl named Ann whom I completely adored. Of course no one knew that. So I was going to do my best, and hope to not screw up.

But I honestly didn’t have to break a sweat because the Pokemon in front of me laying down was an Abra. Before anyone could say anything the whole crowd burst in to laughter.

“You won’t be laughing when it’s an Alakazam and kills you all!” he shouted. I turned back and the vortex of my Pokeball sucked back my Spheal, and before he could ask why I had already answered his question.

“It’s not worth it.” I turned around and went into school.

May 9

I’ve been thinking about challenging our Hearthrome leader for awhile. I know she’s good for sure. People have also told me she is really nice, but I’ve never spoken to her so I have no way to confirm this for sure, but usually gym leaders have a good personality.

Well anyway this so called ghost leader was beat by Ann so she has her first badge while I have none, and on this premises it doesn’t exactly buy me likeable points not having a badge. But I don’t want to hurt my Spheal; if I do I’ll never regret it.

I’ve been studying up on her gym as well. It focuses on ghosts and her main Pokemon is Flying/Ghost which my Spheal can easily take down. But I’m also worried about Spheal’s evolution stage. Not to brag but I’m a pretty good trainer when I’m commanding Spheal and not one of the rental Pokemon the school gives you to practice some dopey things. They usually give a Burmy to me.

But right down to the point I’m not sure if I should do anything related to ghosts. Considering all the spooky things that are going around town it seems like a bad idea. Windows opening and closing and curtains are one of the many making an impression on this town, I’m not one to worry though, I’ll handle it to someone who actually likes dealing with ghosts. And I’ll probably be holding off on that gym challenge this journal can really help me think straight.

May 10

Well, today was a pretty regular day. I coughed a few times, nothing special at all.

May 11

Where’s all the excitement gone? I guess I could fill up the space with some words of wisdom but I’m not the type to do that. Have I mentioned anything about my parents?

Well after flipping back a few of my pages I saw nothing about it so, my parents are local goods people they work in a store selling Poke balls, Medicines, sleeping bags, food, and other equipment. That’s how I got my spectacular Pokeball that both Spheal and I love so much.

They can be strict but at the same time loving and very caring. I don’t think I could ask for any better than I already have.

Well my sister, Vully is also really cool. She was named after a scarlet glowing Vulpix. As my dad described the wondrous creatures that he loved so much. Well my mom and dad both really liked the Pokemon and one day one came down the stray, it being stray and everything. My parents took it in before I was born. Now it’s a Ninetales but its name still stands with my little sister, Vully.

Well now, this is turning out to be more of a history book than a journal. But occasionally journals can do that to you. At least I have that part of it out of the way. I just hope that things can get more exciting than where the excitement level stands now.


May 12

Oh my god… My wish sort of did come true. I’m going to tour of Sinnoh with Vully and my parents. They told me this morning before I went to school; we leave on the twenty-eighth. We’re going to see Snowpoint again too. I’m sure that gives Spheal something to look forward to as well. Vully seemed disappointed and when I asked her about it she said she was going to miss one of her closest friend’s birthday party.

I told her something like,

“You should be happy you’re going on this tour. It’s probably an once in a life time opportunity.” She moaned after that, to the point where I couldn’t stand it so I went up to my room and shut the door. I can’t stand complaining from my little sister. At least she HAS friends while I sulk here about not having any friends at all.

You have got to love parents.

May 13

Fifteen days until we head off to Veilstone, which happens to be our first stop on the tour.

Well today Spheal and I had numerous battles in which we fought greatly through. The air was thin and hard to breath. And there was a bunch of fog taking up all the space in the thicker air.

Sometimes life can be vigorously challenging. Though with a well rounded Spheal it can make life worth it. Honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to get this point of life without my Spheal.

May 14

Fourteen days left, man I’m exited!

Today was a good day at school, as far as I am concerned. I finally started making a friend; his name is Ron. The conversation started in lunch mostly and ended near Grooming and I, which we both share as a fifth period class.

“Hey Ron, I dropped my quarter over there, can you pick it up?” I started out asking after stupidly dropping my quarter.

“Heh, sure. It can’t hurt, can it?” he asked while bending over the pale green tiled table. He handed it to me and smiled. “Hey, what’s your favorite Pokemon?” he asked me.

“Spheal and yours?” I replied.

“Lotad, their leaves on their head are fun to play around with,” he said with enthusiasm.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too.”

“Me and Lotad go way back.”

“You mean Lotad and I,” I said stupidly.

“Wanna battle at the park later today?” I asked.

“Not today, tomorrow maybe?” he replied.

“Sure, that’ll work.”

As far as I’m concerned that gets me close enough to even an acquaintance.

May 15

Well now, life can get utterly confusing. I went to the park to wait two hours, what was supposed to then got held up. Man, I got stood up. I know that sounds extremely weird with the genders and all but it’s true, and it’s starting to screw around a bit to much. Later when I called him he said he didn’t want to fight me because he has three Pokemon and I only have one. He didn’t want to overkill me so he stayed behind.

Sounding a bit extreme here, but I need to get at least one more Pokemon, but you know with Spheal and all I don’t think I could handle it. I really don’t want to ask Spheal either, he’d probably just disregard with the shimmering blue body. No way could I get through it without upsetting myself or Spheal.

(This part of the entry was a bit later in the evening) I ended up talking it out with my parents; they always know what’s best with the Pokemon business. They told me that Spheal probably wouldn’t find to irrational, he probably wants someone to play around with. I guess I’d have to agree to that one. He’s starting to get lonely, I can tell.

My parents then offered to go buy a Pokemon from the Pokestore. But I argued against it, buying Pokemon just wouldn’t make me feel good about it. Plus Spheal would probably want to battle whoever joined the team. And I’d like to give him that chance myself. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with him. It’s starting to make me feel weird. My parents agree with that statement too, so without a doubt now, I’m going to get a new Pokemon. I don’t know if I should be glad, undetermined, or upset.

May 16

Word got out about the hauntings taking place over Hearthrome, so they locked down the city so the ghosts won’t get out. In my opinion, it’s probably the stupidest thing they could’ve done. Fantina basically has most of this under control. I really don’t know why they’re taking this action. It might be an excuse for something political. Most people laughed at this. The stupidest thing I recently realized that is that we can’t leave. So until this nonsense stops, we’re all stuck here in this dopey town.

As of today I’m going to dedicate to trying to find that ghost, or whatever it is making that business. I want my Veilstone trip. I guess I’ll be taking on the title as a ghost buster, so whatever this so called minion of the dark is, I’m going to put a stop to it whether that ghost likes it or not.

Though I do have to think it through, going through town in the middle of the night alone seems pretty unbearable even with Spheal by my side. I admit now to strange things, I’ve seen a ghost, and I am pretty much sure it wasn’t a Pokemon, but a human.

May 17

Tonight I start ghost hunting, or as far out in the city I can go. I hope my parents don’t read this journal or else, I’m screwed on my mission. I’m pretty sure Ron wants to come help me, but I’m still a little disappointed with him, he just had to leave me alone for a few hours? Now he’s saying something about his mother not letting him, I don’t see why people bother with friends like him.

All right so I’m a bit rude and irrational, so what? I have a life, right? Well I guess I don’t like just sitting here, talking to myself. I have a good life, I’m just not using it to my full advantage, and instead I’m being upset and disappointed in everything. Man does life get tough. I wish everything would just whisk away like wind or something.

I spotted an old abandoned warehouse up the road, and with my trusty ball Pokemon I don’t think anything could stop us, except for one glowing ovation, which happens to be my little sister.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to get past her; she guards the house like a Pidgeot with sharper eyes. And to be honest that can be a little scary. Vully doesn’t have any Pokemon of her own and she’s always begging our parents for one. Mark my words, one day they’re going to crack, and that day is going to be very soon. I’ll be back after I investigate.

-------

Oi vey. Tonight didn’t turn out so much as I planned. First of all Vully caught me trying to get out in search of whatever it was. I had to pay her up to keep quiet and even after that I was unsure about if I was in the clear or if I was still going to be bailed on. Trust me, in that situation you wonder if you’re ever going to get away with that. I was sweating buckets I have to admit.

Well onwards through the tale I ran into numerous motorcycles with officers looking as though a monster had came out of nowhere, ate them, and spit them back out one after the other. I didn’t have to hide because their black beady eyes wouldn’t be able to catch anything. But I ducked behind a trash can or something just in case the flashing blue and red lights whirled around just enough to catch my head, which would be enough to give me away.

A few yards down I caught eye of a Growlithe purring at the door of its owners, they had sent the sparkling red fire type out the door, probably to stay out there, but it may just be more the night, those that didn’t happen much unless someone really doesn’t want any mess ups. But the way its mouth curved you could tell it had been beaten, and that was something that I would not stand for no matter who it is. So I picked it up it’s nose poked around as it squirmed trying to break free and headed for an adoption center. Then I remembered it was almost Vully birthday and I had an idea.

The warm scrawled fur of the Growlithe fluffed up against my arms. It’s pitied; bruised face looked at me in a way I could not describe. It made me feel heroic and honored. Then I remembered the time and place I was at, the middle of the night in the middle of the town. I thought of where I could take the puppy without it running away or it being found. And at the time I wasn’t exactly thinking about stealing it but it was so poor...

As I was running, and trust me, it happens in the middle of the night; I tripped over a stick. And it was a pretty big one too, one of its branches got stuck on my pants sleeve and tore me down, my face hit the crumpled ground with a thump and the furry puppy rolled over the ground into a hole, darkness engulfed it, though it was only three feet low it was enough to get me worried.

My knee oozed crimson blood onto the dusty floor. My other knee had a few scratches but was okay. I quickly jumped into the whole which got up to my stomach while I was standing and reached over to pick up the scared puppy that lay before me. As soon as I grabbed it, it started squirming again. I could tell it was having some sort of flashback about territory or food or whatever it wanted so I let it sit there.

Eventually it focused back to its surroundings and it acted like it never knew what happened. I picked it up and it curled itself in to a ball inside my arms, I limp-ran, whatever that is the rest of the way home. I made a decision that Growlithe would be my early birthday present to Vully. I’d also have to get it through security which happens to be my mom and dad.

I quickly assembled a habitat for the young pup, which included a blanket, a lamp and some grass for now, since there wasn’t much left for eating at the point of darkness which we faced. So right now I’m about to go to bed and didn’t want to do this tomorrow since I’ll probably be giving Vully her present. I can already hear her cries of joy receiving the awesome fire puppy. I hope she isn’t disappointed by it though that would reveal many problems that I don’t want to deal with because as soon as I give it to her she’s going to cry away.

Well, so far this is my longest page, I’ll make sure to keep it up, unless I’m sick and don’t feel like it.

Legendary Wolf
02-27-2008, 01:07 AM
May 18

I had to get up really early today much to my disliking. I used Spheal’s old water bowl and put some milk in it for Growlithe, his weird purring was settled when I dropped it in front of him. His soft pink tongue lapping at the snow white milk that was put before him. I smiled at the glowing orange Pokemon.

Then I turned and walked back the screen door to get a bow prepared, hopefully Growlithe won’t push it away like many Pokemon I know would. It was a flustering red color with pretzel shaped loops tying over each other. Then it hit me I was going to have to make up a story of where I found Mr. Puppy face. After some quick thinking I decided to go with the old ‘I found him in the streets excuse.’ Though I don’t know if that’ll hold up against my parents.

I’m also worried about how I seemed to have stolen the puppy last night. I just couldn’t stand to see it like that; it hurt me so much… Hopefully I won’t have to face that fact.

At about three in the afternoon everyone was resting after lunch so I decided it was a perfect opportunity to surprise Vully. I tip-toed my way to the backyard, silently opened the door, went outside, picked up Growlithe, put the bow on his head, and knocked on Vully’s door. I had discussed the plan with my mom and dad by that time so all was well.

As soon as she opened the door her eyes widened like watermelons and her face dropped. She dropped to her knees in shock and took the Growlithe in her hands and she mumbled the words in a soft watery voice, “He’s so…awesome…”

That pretty much made my day and now I don’t have to worry about getting her anything else for her birthday which she would probably force me to give her if I hadn’t given her a Pokemon. But then again now I feel good by at least getting her something over nothing so nothing much lost. My parents seemed thrilled by Vully’s reaction as they had never seen her as happy before.

May 19

I’ve decided to go on another ghost hunt today. Seeing as everyone is distracted by the new Growlithe, so I could pretty much set the lawn on fire and no one would really care. They’re either watching that new puppy or yelling at each other about how to take care of him. And I think I’ve heard Vully say she wanted to nickname her new Pokemon but I’m not too sure about that either. From what I heard it seems like something like Sebastian or some not too realistic dog name.

Sunday has been a breeze so far and it’s getting better since we have Monday off from school to celebrate Professor’s day where we celebrate all the professors who have gotten us so far in our Pokemon learning’s. Tuesday I think I have an after school battle club that I don’t like attending but it’s only once a month so I go to it anyway.

I rested most of the day for tonight and either watched “Fun with Sloth’s” a show where they teach you about the Slaking family and its amazements or “Research with the Professor” where you go on a discovery hunt with Professor Rowan or Oak. Usually I’ll settle with some Pokemon history channel because they always describe how most Pokemon got their names and/or how they got their status. Something like “The Rainbow Pokemon” things like that.

At about seven o’ clock when everything was dark and Growlithe was outside I told Vully I was going to walk him. She didn’t refuse. So happily I put on a leash on Growlithe and opened the gate to the city. Leisurely strolling in night, no one seemed to notice anything strange so the walk went by quickly.

I had already decided at my house to investigate a supposedly haunted house outside the perimeter of the town. As I turned down the paved street way I noticed a ragged bush that had a craggy voice when wind went by it. It scared me for sure and I realized that it was a horrible mistake coming here in the dead of night, but it was too late to feel sorry for myself.

No one else lived on the broken down street. Empty trees sat on either side of the lawn, simply filling up the empty space on the lawns. A house to the left had been burned but not broken, glass lying around the perimeter; it was hard even to look at it. It had a few lawn flowers that had barely bloomed not wanting to release its seeds to the evil house surrounding them.

The sidewalk was badly paved; jagged cuts along it made it hard to walk. Each crack seemed like a mile to walk over when it was only about five feet. Weeded-out grass littered the inside cracks pushing them up and making it more uncomfortable to walk on. The front house- or the target was old for sure, not exactly burned but close. It had no windows instead replaced by black empty holes. The roof was slanted with various tiles missing from the roof, the front porch white but beaded with black soot and dirt.

“I know I don’t own you Growlithe, but do you want to go? Because we certainly-” I was cut off by the sureness of Growlithe’s own bark. I looked down to see his pinpointed black eyes. He was sure he wanted to go with his master’s brother the one who had saved him. Jagged weeds threatened to trip anyone who dared come to close to the grass.

“Here we go then,” I muttered. The handsome young boy (yes me) approached the porch with a creak greeting me. No one lived here and the outside care had definitely shown that. Growlithe lightly stepped on the steps its eyes glowing scared. His bright orange hair flickered in the moonlight. I came to investigate one house alone at least for this night.

I gently pushed my hand up against the door, it felt wet. I recounted what I had done to make sure there were no mistakes in my plan. The moonlit sky sparkled along with the many stars in the sky. My foot fell against the broken wood without me noticing it, the noise of the two colliding brought me back to this world.

The air was dark and bitter, cool air rushed past my hair as the door opened. I immediately smelt a freezing substance and sought to turn around and run, but I didn’t. I stayed and soon after wished I hadn’t.

The first room was a rather dark living room, one sofa almost filled the entire room, and the color of it was hard to make out, though it seemed like a lighter red. The wall was decorated with splinters and nails sticking out the white paint peeling onto the ground. A neatly embossed carpet lay on the ground doing of its job of simply being there for decoration.

I basically crawled into the next room, the stench of the house really getting to me now, so I had one hand covering my nose. The hall was the worst. The sides were molding and where the white paint should’ve been green ooze showing how old it was. There the smell was unbearable and I had to run through it, both my hands covering my mouth.

The next room had almost no stench at all. It looked like a bedroom with only a desk and a closet but there was no way to be sure with the purple fog that lurked through the house. Growlithe had been by my side the entire time too. I’m not that keen on the fact that he smelt anything, because he was fazed by basically nothing, he stood there still as a feather.

Then it happened, out of the thick purple air a shadow started forming, first a long tongue that seemed to fill the air all at once, but was really taking its time to create itself. Its presence gave chills to me. A tail seemed to form, not a regular tail but a long creepy tail that loomed down the room. I knew what to do immediately.

“Grrrrowwwlitheeee, use a…Fire Spin,” I said not knowing exactly what moves he had. Growlithe looked worried and startled though his mighty neck gave a little jerk and an outburst of fiery red and orange flames spinned out in a circular motion. The now apparent Gastly give a sly smile with its long teeth and took the hit without blinking, knowing it wouldn’t hurt him.

Its eyes then gave a feeling to me like I never felt anything so miserable in my life. The glow of its eyes…The next thing I new a ball of shadows had been thrown across the room at Growlithe and I. Growlithe ended up taking the ball of solid black, shadows leaping from one point to the other. The scruff of his neck was the first to hit the wall after he was flung. But that was what set me off again.

“Growlithe, Flamethrower!” I shouted probably at the top of my lungs, but my voice was cracking from the scene I was in. Growlithe stood up almost as soon as I shouted and let out a solid stream of orange flames. A flame or to nicked me as they burst out of the puppy’s mouth. The Gastly leapt to the side but it was a tad late and the back of the ball was again attacked by flames. The circle of flames around him before had died down.

It’s sly grin turned upside down its eyes flickered once again, this time its eyes glowed blue and two rings floated towards Growlithe. By the time I could react they had hit him and he was asleep.

My insides burned as its eyes began to glow again, no doubt a Dream Eater. I could see the frustration in Growlithe’s sleeping face. His dreams being whisked away. I yelled something at him, but barely knew what it was. The face kept on pushing and pushing...Gastly laughed and another ball of shadows strayed in the air. It did a tremoundous backflip and wondered into another room. I took the oppurtunity to run over to Growlithe, to check how it was feeling but to no avail.

A drop of sweat beaded itself down my shocked face, it felt like hell had escaped. And before I knew it, some sort of pain hit my side and I fell over close to the corner, the Gastly was back and it looked stronger than before. Something strange happened this time, its mouth glowed and a new move had begun. The dark purple attack had suddenly turned black and a stream of black-what appeared to be snowballs launched in every direction. A snowball that was lucky enough hit its opponet and with that Growlithe's closed eyes turned to swirls and it was over for it.

I yelled, angry at myself for letting it this far. I grabbed the only Pokeball I had left and threw it in the air, a light crimson red light took place in the shape of a dodgeball without the bounce, and at one moment Spheal was in play. Gastly seemed almost ready to leave and when it saw the new fighter its eyes bounced.

"Start with an Aurora Beam!" I shouted without hesitation, Spheal immediatly understood and opened its mouth, Gastly still astonished but regaining its senses let out two more stready stream of hoops. This time, however, the beam cut straight through the hoops and hit the ghostly figure.

"Powder Snow, hurry!" I screamed, Spheal rolled over to demonstrate its own tension then opened its mouth, it seemed to say something then a frost of powdery air filled the room and took its toll on Gastly, it fell astonished. I threw a empty Pokeball and ran as fast as I could.

I didn’t want to know the fate if it stayed in or not. But I have a feeling that wasn’t the worst of it.

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Yes I know the battle sucks.

Characters: 26,272
Going for: Gastly

Leman
03-01-2008, 03:11 PM
I said I'd grade it so, I guess I'll start reading. :O

AKA: Reserved. D:


EDIT:
Plot:

So, a kid decides to write a journal. He starts with school, where he only has one Pokemon, a Spheal, and he gets teased because of it. He goes through some personal struggles, and then his parents tell him he will be going to Veilstone city to tour Sinnou *coughsequalcough*. Ares gets excited, but a ghost pops out of nowhere (literally), and terrorizes the city. They put the city on lock down. Ares gets annoyed with it, and goes off to find it, because that means he cannot go to Veilstone. So after he finds and steals a Growlithe, he finds the ghost and catches it.

This was certainly original, and I liked the overall plot. Good enough for the ghosty. D:

The problem I have with it is how Gastly suddenly popped out of nowhere. the way you mentioned it was odd too.

Word got out about the hauntings taking place over Hearthrome

That implies that Ares already knew about these hauntings. Did he? You never really explained that. It was confusing. D:

Introduction:

Fine. The flashback was a nice hook. You provided an adequate, yet oddly worded description of Ares. (It took me a couple read-throughs to get it, but I might just be thick like that). You told us where he is, and what he was doing, so that is great.

The fact that you gave us a hook is great. Most people seem to forget about that. Good work. D:

Grammar/Spelling:

First off, a quick formating...thing (D:) :

When you're going to be putting a flashback, try and separate it from the rest of the story. Whether you make it a new post or put something like: *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~, around it, or italicize it, you have to do something, so the reader doesn't get confused.

You had two May 12th and 13th. D: :x

By this point a group of kids had came to watch, including a girl named Ann whom I completely adored. Of course no one knew that.

That should be two sentences. It was one. And it needs to be 'whom,' because the person 'Ann' is being acted upon. It would be 'who' if you had said something like "...I completely adored a girl who was named Ann." It's a tricky thing to see, so don't worry too much.

Well I guess I don’t me just sitting here, talking to myself.

You missed a word in between 'don't' and 'me'.

But I duck behind a trash can or something just incase the flashing blue and red lights whirled around just enough to catch his head, which would be enough to give him away.

This the worst sentence in the story. :x You shouldn't start a sentence with 'But'. Thats a big problem. 'duck' should be 'ducked'. 'Incase' should be 'in case'. Other than that, I think you suddenly switched into 3rd person here, with 'his' and 'him'. I think you're still talking about Ares, but I'm not sure. You did that a couple times.

All of your mistakes were these basic things (odd sentence, I know). You had about three of each. The most standout thing you had were your commas. You didn't use to many commas, and there were a lot spots that you need to put them in. You also tried to separate sentences with commas, where instead you should use semicolons.

Now that In look back over this section, I've noticed that you can just reread your story to catch most of these mistakes. Try to do that next time.

Length:

Fine. D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:

Details:

I’ve never wanted to get another Pokemon after him, in fear of him losing hope in me when I started to train someone else.

This sentence here is sort of odd. I don't think 'hope' is the right word. I think you meant something a long the lines of:

...in fear of him becoming angry with me, and jealous of the new Pokemon, when I started to train someone else.

I think you mean something like that. D:

Sometimes, your comma skills got in the way of your descriptions. The descriptions themselves are nice and vivid, but you often worded them oddly. Like how you described Ares in the first paragraph was hard to understand. It wass good, but just needs a bit of reworking, I think.

Reality:

Most people should get a Pokemon by age 11, which is how old Vully is. (If she was four when Ares was seven, and now Ares is 14, she has to be 11), but meh. It doesn't matter.

Battle:

*Sigh* Short. Gastly is a great Pokemon. (Excellent in Little Cup :X) He could easily hold his own, and beat a Growlithe, so the battle would have to be long, and balanced. Yours was... short. I don't think that Growlithe would wake up so early. Technically it was one turn. Thats usually not the case.

Most of all, the battle was boring. =/ Three attacks from each? They both have massive movepools, pick some more attacks. Have Gastly float through a wall, and make Ares follow him. Anything to make the battle longer and better. You could have had Growlithe get knocked out, and replaced him with Spheal. IMO that would be nice.

Try for 5-7 damaging attacks each. D:

Outcome: Honestly your battle and Grammar were...terrible. It was really lacking.Plus, Gastly is a great Pokemon, and I don't think the battle was long enough for it. Gastly Not Captured!! Lengthen your battle and fix up your grammar and you can have it. D:

Leman
03-06-2008, 12:32 AM
Eww I spelled Gastly wrong. =/ Thanks Galleon. D:

W ell, heres a regrade. I'll just focus on your two main areas that you had trouble with; grammar, and battle.

Grammar:

So, as far as I could tell, with my limited knowledge of English grammar, you did a bit better here. Some of your odd sentences were fixed up. There were still a few I noticed, where you messed up with your commas. You switched from 1st--->3rd person again here:

“I know I don’t own you Growlithe, but do you want to go? Because we certainly-” Ares was cut off by the sureness of Growlithe’s own bark. Ares looked down to see his pinpointed black eyes. He was sure he wanted to go with his master’s brother the one who had saved him. Jagged weeds threatened to trip anyone who dared come to close to the grass.

That should be 'I' since this is in the first person. I wish you had fixed this up a bit more, but for the most part it was better.

The next room had almost no stench at all, it looked like a bedroom with only a desk

Just an example of how you messed up with your commas. That comma should be a period/semicolon, because each side of the sentence is a separate.

Yeah, you really need to fix up those commas. :x

...then a frost of powdery air filled the room. The snow took its toll on Gastly, it fell astonished. I threw a empty Pokeball and ran as fast as I could.

Well first of all, 'than' should be then, and the sentence is a run on sentence. Its a pretty common mistake but you should know this:

Than is used for comparisons. Ex: Pineapples are better than hamburgers.

Then is used for time. Ex: I jumped over the fence. Then, I ran across the field.

So, remember that.

You didn't fix that one sentence I pointed out either. =/

But I duck behind a trash can or something just incase the flashing blue and red lights whirled around just enough to catch his head, which would be enough to give him away.

That one. =/ It makes me feel like you don't really care to read my grade. I mean the least you can do is fix the few sentences I point out to you. =/

Battle:

This, on the other hand was much better. I can easily see that you spent a good amount of time trying to lengthen this up, and to make it more interesting for the reader.

Just a few things about Gastly, and the way you described it now.

The dark purple hands had suddenly turned black and a stream of black-what appeared to be snowballs launched in every direction.

Gastly doesn't have hands. D:

I wish you had described the Powder Snow attack a little bit more, and how a little bit of snow could cause damage. Iirc, the snow didn't hurt when it fell. D:

Outcome: Well, since it feels like you ignored the grammar, I'm gonna have to say, Gastly Not Captured!! You just have to fix up the grammar. At the very least check up the sentences I show you. =/

Leman
03-29-2008, 09:57 PM
Shortest re-regrade ever. D:

Grammar:

It seems like you got most of the things I mentioned. I compared the quotes and see that pretty much everything I pointed out was fixed. Still, remember not to start sentences with conjunctions, like 'but', 'and', 'or', 'because'; those sort of words. Also a new error I foound was that you had some trouble with the words 'its' and 'it's'.

'Its', without the apostrophe, is possessive. 'It's' with the apostrophe means 'It is'. Its a contraption just like 'let's' and stuff

For example, here:

It’s pitied; bruised face looked at me in a way I could not describe.

It is pitied; bruised face looked at me...?

You either need to take out the apostrophe, and change the semicolon to a comma or add an 'its' before bruised. Otherwise, to me, it looked a lot better than before. :)

Outcome:

Blegh. Honestly, it was still a bit on the borderline, but Gastly just almost barely captured!! Can I have it? :)lol :x jk