PDA

View Full Version : Avalanche Rescue


Team Devastation
02-28-2008, 08:07 AM
.:Chapter 1:.
Back On Track

The steel ceiling of his room in the Canalave City Pokemon Center came into view as Luke grunted and opened his eyes for the first time in several hours. His backbone cracked as he sat up finding his body numb.
“It’s all that Munchlax’s fault,”mumbled Luke as he slipped his glasses back on his face. Then all of a sudden, Luke’s mind went back to the incident a few hours back.

.:Flashback:.
Luke was walking along one of the streets in Canalave City when a Munchlax came running out of nowhere was was running in circles in panic. Then an angry trainer came out from the crowd holding a pokeball in his hand.
“ Munchlax, i’ll get you for this,”yelled the trainer to the Munchlax who apparently had escaped from it’s pokeball. Munchlax started making it’s way back to it’s trainer slipping on banana peel and slammed onto Luke. The last thing Luke heard was: “I’m so sorr........”. Then everything went white.
.:End Flashback:.

Luke got up and feeling his body he decided to look around the Pokemon Center. He turned on the tap and ran a wet comb through his wavy blond hair, letting the water style his hair into place. He found that the clothes he was wearing now belonged to the Pokemon Center. So, he dug out his t-shirt and jeans and changed his clothes. A polished Pokeball sat on his drawer, obviously just cleaned. Luke picked it up and released the Pokemon inside.
“Come on out,”said Luke tossing the pokeball slightly. A small purple scorpion Pokemon jumped up onto Luke. “Hey Skor, how are you feeling?”Luke asked the Skorupi who wriggled in his arms. “Alright, now is the right time for breakfast, come on.”Luke carried the Skorupi to the dining area where other trainers were eating with their Pokemon. They quickly found a seat and waited for the waiter to come.
“What would you like, sir?”Asked the waiter politely.
“Hm, let me see, how about a tuna sandwich and Tauros Chips?”Luke asked Skor with a grin. “Oh yeah, and also some PokeChow for you.” When Skor nodded his head, Luke repeated his order to the waiter who nodded curtly and left. The food only took a few minutes to prepare, yes it tasted delicious. The pair hungrily ate their breakfast and left.

.:In Luke’s Room:.
“Alright, all set to go,”said Luke strapping his sling bag on his shoulder and opening the door. “Where to next?” Luke switched on his PokeEtch and checked the map. “Seems that we’re off to Snowpoint City, the seventh gym.”

.:Outside the Pokemon Center:.
Luke walked out of the Pokemon Center and into sunlight. Canalave City is the home of the sixth gym, where the leader, Byron specializes in steel Pokemon, but unnaturally Wingull and Finneon are commonly seen. The ferry to Iron Island was leaving soon, so Luke decided to catch the ferry. It was a half an hour sail to Iron Island, but Luke and Skor were entertained by watching Pelipper and Wingull flying beside them, trying to fish out Finneon from the ocean. After reaching Iron Island Harbor, the pair set off inside the cave.

.:On Iron Island:.

“Man, this place is crawling with trainers,”said Luke to Skor as they entered the compound. Iron Island was a three floor crystal mining cave Canalave City miners used to visit, now it is just used as a training ground for the Pokemon Trainers of the Sinnoh Region. Luke quickly ran in hoping to not be seen by any trainers, but a trainer tapped him on his back requesting a battle.
“Oh, all right,” come on out Skor!”Shouted Luke releasing his Pokemon. When his opponent released an Abra, Luke yelled, “Skor use Cross Poison,” The Skorupi crossed it’s claws and jabbed at the Abra and injected poison into it’s small body, making it winch in pain. The Abra could not withstand it’s poisoning and soon fainted.
“What, Abra fainted in one attack?”The trainer yelled furiously and withdrew Abra. “Your Pokemon are real strong, you have beaten me.”Said the trainer as he pulled out two hundred and fifty dollars and handed them to Luke.
“Well Skor, that wasn’t hard, was it?”Asked Luke pocketing his money and continued walking. Then they accidentally bumped into somebody wearing a blue shirt. “I’m sorry...”said Luke.
“Not to worry, but can you do me a favor?asked the teenager, “Anyway, I’m Riley, I’m need a assistant like you on my mission.”
“Hi Riley,”Asked Luke, “What do you mean mission?”. Luke sat down on a rock and looked up at Riley.
“Well, the weather forecast said Mount Coronet was going to have an avalanche!”Replied Riley, seeing the amazed look on his companion, he continued. “So I need you to come with me to bring the Pokemon living on Mount Coronet to safety in the Snowbound Lodge and Snowpoint City, so are you up to it?”
“Sure I am let’s go now,”said Luke standing up and turning away with Riley.

.:Chapter 2:.
Galactic and Away!
As Luke and Riley made their way out of the cave they spotted two Team Galactic Administrators, Mars and Saturn. They were talking about some Galactic plans
“So, what you’re saying is......,”said Mars to her assistant with confusion.
“Yes, we nab the three legendaries bring them to Cyrus, and get our reward,”explained Saturn.
“They are going to get Uxie, Azelf and Mesprit from Lake Verity, Valor and Acuity,”said Riley in a hushed voice. Riley jumped up and said to the Galactic Administrators, “You’ll never get away with this, you know,”
“What, don’t mess with Team Galactic plans, go Toxicroak, use Toxic,”yelled Saturn as he released his Pokemon. The poison frog Pokemon glowed purple and sprinted at Riley and Luke.
“Lucario use Protect to protect Luke and I,”shouted Riley releasing his Pokemon who jumped in front of Riley and Luke and started to make and aura shield to protect Luke and Riley. As Saturn called another Toxic, Riley cried, “Lucario, Force Palm, let’s go!” Lucario’s hands glowed with color as he pounded into Toxicroak. Toxicroak collapsed and looked weak, eventually it fainted.
“What! Return Toxicroak, let’s go Mars, these people are meddling with our plans.”Said Saturn as he called back his Pokemon and turned to leave.
“Come on Luke, let’s go,”said Riley walking out of the cave. Luke followed swiftly behind Riley.

.:Mount Coronet:.
Half an hour later, Riley and Luke arrived on top of Mount Coronet with some pokeballs to bring the stranded Pokemon back to safety.
“Luke, you go that side, while I go this side, meet back here in forty five minutes,”said Riley as he made his way to the far side of the mountain. Luke walked in the snow searching for wild Pokemon, after a few minutes, Luke decided to rest. Then, a small Starly popped up and decided to peck Luke. Luke pulled out his Black and Gold Pokedex and pointed it at the small Starly, the Pokedex beeped out the recording.
< Starly >< Starling Pokemon >
< They flock in great numbers, barely noticeable when alone. It’s cries are very strident >
“Okay, go Skor, use Poison Sting,”said Luke tossing his pokeball and releasing his Skorupi who nodded and stung the Starly with a Poison Shot. The Starly recovered quickly and used Double Team, making Skorupi confused.
“Skor, use Cross Poison,”said Luke to his Pokemon, Skorupi jabbed poison at both Starly and it’s copy. The copy soon faded away and Starly was blown back glowing purple, it was definitely poisoned.
“Yes, now Skor, use Crunch,”shouted Luke who was desperate to win, the Skorupi used it’s jaws to grab the Starly and slammed it down onto the snow. The poison affected the Starly and it collapsed, unconscious.
“Alright, now pokeball go!”Yelled Luke as he threw an empty pokeball at the Starly
One...Two.....

Team Devastation
02-28-2008, 08:10 AM
Pokemon trying for: Starly (5-10k)
Characters: 6241

Hope I get it.

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
03-15-2008, 12:45 AM
Story: Luke wakes up after being hit by a Munchlax and decides to travel to Iron Island where he meets Riley. Riley requests his help so the pair head for Mt. Coronet to save some wild Pokemon from an avalanche.

Your story works fine for a simple Pokemon like Starly. Although the idea of catching a Pokemon to rescue it isn't that original, I liked how you set it up and included a few other characters in there as well.

Instead of having little subtitles like
.:In Luke’s Room:.
Just include the setting in your writing. For a very simple example, you could just say Luke walked back to his room.

Grammar/Spelling: Overall this was done well. Just remember to capitilise "Pokeball". Also PokeEtch should be PokeTch.

“Oh, all right,” come on out Skor!” Shouted Luke, releasing his Pokemon.
That should be a lowercase 's' because "Shouted Luke releasing his Pokemon" is not a complete sentence on its own. Also, you should have a comma in there after 'Luke'.

releasing his Pokemon who jumped in front of Riley and Luke and started to make and aura shield to protect Luke and Riley.
Not technically wrong, but you've already mentioned their names in the sentence, so you can just use 'them' instead.

It’s cries are very strident
Should be 'Its'. It's is only used when it means "it is".

It's also best if you add double spaces between paragraphs instead of a single space as otherwise it's a bit squashy and hard to read. Oh, and using italics is probably better than writing "Flashback".

Description/Detail: You had some good descriptions in there, and some good ways of introuducing them without just listing them, but there is a lot more you could have added.

.:On Iron Island:.
Instead of listing the setting, try describing what it looks like. I know you mentioned the part about it being an old mining cave, but what about the outside of the island? Was it covered in trees, or bare? Could Luke smell fresh flowers or perhaps leftover coal? Could the chink of metal be heard inside the cave? Try to think of all the senses when you're describing things and write as much as you can to show the reader what you're picturing in your head as you write.

You should have included physical descriptions of Mars, Saturn, Riley, and even the random trainer that challenged you. For minor characters you don't need full descriptions, but mentioning their hair colour or what clothes they're wearing is a good start. Since Riley seems to have turned into one of the main characters, you could have told us more about what he was wearing in order to indicate whether he's got the same uniform on as he wears in DP or not.

Remember also to describe any Pokemon you come across, especially the one you want to capture. This includes Skorupi, Lucario, Toxicroak, Abra and Starly. You did mention what a few of them resemble which was good, but you can always add more detail. Pretend you're writing for someone who doesn't know what those Pokemon are.

Length: Fine for Starly. Spaces are included in the character count which brings your story up to ~7500.

Battle: The battles were well written with good description, but it seemed that Starly was overpowered, not even able to get an attacking move in. Try and make the battle with the Pokemon you want to catch fairly even. For a simple Pokemon, at least three moves each should be alright.

The Starly recovered quickly and used Double Team
Instead of just listing the attack you could say what actually happened. Example: "Starly split itself into four copies which glowed for a moment before becoming solid. The duplicates began to circle around Skor, flapping their black wings furiously." Real battles are different to the games because when they're not attacking, Pokemon don't just sit there waiting to be hit. You can use this element to pull off some interesting move combinations and make the battles more interesting.

Toxicroak collapsed and looked weak, eventually it fainted.
"Weak" isn't a very good description as far as looks go. What exactly was it doing? You could say it was puffing heavily or struggling to get to its feet or lying on the ground with its eyes shut in exhaustion. Any of those would show the reader what was going on.

Try thinking of some interesting combos and be creative with battles. Using the setting of the battle somehow is also a good thing to do.

Outcome: You could have used a little more description, and the battle with Starly was kind of pushing it, but since I believe this is your first story and the rest was fine, I can say Starly captured. In future you'll need to work on the battle and detail, but otherwise well done.

Team Devastation
03-21-2008, 12:34 PM
Story: Luke wakes up after being hit by a Munchlax and decides to travel to Iron Island where he meets Riley. Riley requests his help so the pair head for Mt. Coronet to save some wild Pokemon from an avalanche.

Your story works fine for a simple Pokemon like Starly. Although the idea of catching a Pokemon to rescue it isn't that original, I liked how you set it up and included a few other characters in there as well.

Instead of having little subtitles like

Just include the setting in your writing. For a very simple example, you could just say Luke walked back to his room.

Grammar/Spelling: Overall this was done well. Just remember to capitilise "Pokeball". Also PokeEtch should be PokeTch.


That should be a lowercase 's' because "Shouted Luke releasing his Pokemon" is not a complete sentence on its own. Also, you should have a comma in there after 'Luke'.


Not technically wrong, but you've already mentioned their names in the sentence, so you can just use 'them' instead.


Should be 'Its'. It's is only used when it means "it is".

It's also best if you add double spaces between paragraphs instead of a single space as otherwise it's a bit squashy and hard to read. Oh, and using italics is probably better than writing "Flashback".

Description/Detail: You had some good descriptions in there, and some good ways of introuducing them without just listing them, but there is a lot more you could have added.


Instead of listing the setting, try describing what it looks like. I know you mentioned the part about it being an old mining cave, but what about the outside of the island? Was it covered in trees, or bare? Could Luke smell fresh flowers or perhaps leftover coal? Could the chink of metal be heard inside the cave? Try to think of all the senses when you're describing things and write as much as you can to show the reader what you're picturing in your head as you write.

You should have included physical descriptions of Mars, Saturn, Riley, and even the random trainer that challenged you. For minor characters you don't need full descriptions, but mentioning their hair colour or what clothes they're wearing is a good start. Since Riley seems to have turned into one of the main characters, you could have told us more about what he was wearing in order to indicate whether he's got the same uniform on as he wears in DP or not.

Remember also to describe any Pokemon you come across, especially the one you want to capture. This includes Skorupi, Lucario, Toxicroak, Abra and Starly. You did mention what a few of them resemble which was good, but you can always add more detail. Pretend you're writing for someone who doesn't know what those Pokemon are.

Length: Fine for Starly. Spaces are included in the character count which brings your story up to ~7500.

Battle: The battles were well written with good description, but it seemed that Starly was overpowered, not even able to get an attacking move in. Try and make the battle with the Pokemon you want to catch fairly even. For a simple Pokemon, at least three moves each should be alright.


Instead of just listing the attack you could say what actually happened. Example: "Starly split itself into four copies which glowed for a moment before becoming solid. The duplicates began to circle around Skor, flapping their black wings furiously." Real battles are different to the games because when they're not attacking, Pokemon don't just sit there waiting to be hit. You can use this element to pull off some interesting move combinations and make the battles more interesting.


"Weak" isn't a very good description as far as looks go. What exactly was it doing? You could say it was puffing heavily or struggling to get to its feet or lying on the ground with its eyes shut in exhaustion. Any of those would show the reader what was going on.

Try thinking of some interesting combos and be creative with battles. Using the setting of the battle somehow is also a good thing to do.

Outcome: You could have used a little more description, and the battle with Starly was kind of pushing it, but since I believe this is your first story and the rest was fine, I can say Starly captured. In future you'll need to work on the battle and detail, but otherwise well done.


Thanks Sarah, i'll follow the tips and work on my battle and detail.

*Yes, new Pokemon*