View Full Version : A Spirit with Vengeance
02-28-2008, 11:37 AM
This is the second part to Ghost of Halloween. I first started the story in Halloween season, and somehow kept on continuing from there, until I decided to make a seperate thread for the second sequel, so prologue's up next. And Ghost of Halloween I can be found here (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68564).
All the journey first began with Sean, a Pokemon Champion winner, whom set off on a journey towards the local cemetery, after being requested by a couple of Pokemon Rangers. Recent cases of missing Pokemon and ghostly encounters have been reported, and it looked like the source of all these problems came from the cemetery. While exploring, Sean stepped into a trap and met a Gastly after that, Mandy worried after hearing his scream, went into the cemetery as well, while meeting a Buneary.
It all seemed that everything was going well enough as they found the missing Pokemon and the culprit of these problems which is a pair of Staryu and Sneasel. However, Sneasel set off a switch that made the whole cemetery tumble down to crisp. Sean managed to capture Staryu, but Sneasel escaped by being seperated by a huge boulder from Sean. After capturing Staryu, more boulders broke loose, caving in onto Mandy. Sean was extremely depressed and emotionally unstable when he saw this, while it ended with the huge boulder on top of Sean, hovering over him.
It has been five years since the bloody encounter in Death Valley. Now, the story sets on another male adolescent whom became interested in the event that happened five years ago, concerning Sean's and Mandy's death. As he set out to explore further, he discovered a painful history...
02-07-2009, 02:36 AM
“Hey, remember the news five years ago about a place called Rock Dome Town?” he asked me with excitement, moving his thick lips so fast to spit out the whole sentence within a split second.
“Uhh … I think I remember…”
“I’m going with Alice after school to visit the infamous Death Valley over there! Alice will be so freaked out by the tales of lost souls wandering around there and scary ghost Pokemon residing there, that she will crawl into my arms! Then, I’ll embrace her in my warm arms and that’s when I’ll give her a kiss she will never forget! Mwahaha!”
“… Okay …”
* * *
It had been two weeks since Shane left with Alice. The spiky blonde-haired guy took off with the red head sooner than I had expected, running into trouble sooner than even predicted as well. Being impulsive, it was natural that Shane brought the innocent Alice to the cemetery without any thought about the consequences. I should have known better as well, why didn't I warn him? Anyway, so nobody knew where they went, except me. The police had been informed of their disappearance and a few of Shane’s and Alice’s closer friends, including me, were questioned by them about the pair. At that moment, I didn’t know what sort of power surged me to hide the truth from them, but I just did.
Within a split second of hesitation, I lied without any difficulty. With full confidence, I gave the police the exact details when I last saw in the school like everyone else, which I wondered if they asked everyone about what both Shane and Alice were wearing that day. Regardless, I simply gave them a brief detailed description about how Shane was wrapped up in a white hoodie that had a 'DARE!' printing on it, coupled with black pocketed jeans. And Alice on the other hand, wore a dress that was in the color of charcoal, accessorized with a necklace that had the letter 'S' on it. All it took after that was a couple more minutes for a couple more questions, which I personally felt was totally irrelevant.
I took a deep sigh; although the police didn't really suspect me or anything, the feeling of guiltiness lingered deep inside me. I took a deep breath of the fresh air; grinning stupidly to myself as I was pleased with the smell of sunflowers. The meadow based north off Rock Dome Town; benefited from the weekly rocket launches over there. Thus, the air here was really clean and invigorating with no factories or houses nearby, all except a huge piece of grassland with a couple of trees smeared with honey. I sat down on the soft and cosy grass; observing the green plains that was a gorgeous sight. Basically, everything around me was totally green, except perhaps the sky.
Suddenly, I was snapped back to the real world by an abrupt vibration in the pocket in my navy-blue jeans. I reached in and pulled out my sleek and shiny cell phone, and punched the soft buttons on the phone to access my text messages.
”Sam! We need you here this moment!”
It was sent by my father, the owner of this certain company called Secret Agents. Within seconds, I pulled out a sphere that was a crimson red on the upper half and a pale white on the lower half, and threw the orb into the sky. As the Pokeball opened up; the light emerged from the tiny orb and a huge silhouette with triangular-shaped feathery wings by the side materialized into the deep blue sky. With a simple sweep of her wings, the wind slapped me in my face while the grass rustled around my white converse shoes. My hair was surfing the wind wildly, as my fringe got into my eyes because of the gigantic breeze. I raised my hand to cover my eyes to prevent the dust from getting in, while the sweep of wind continued to blow my collared white Polo shirt and navy blue jeans, puffing them up as it seems like I had grown plump all of a sudden.
Togekiss flew down from the sky while her underbelly that was dotted with little red and blue triangular-spots touched the ground gently; I jumped onto it and quickly gave her the directions. She took off almost immediately with a bounce off her two tiny feet, as the three-pointed crest that has the left spike in a shade of blue and the right spike in a shade of red, Togekiss took off in the wind glamorously.
The skies were mostly cloudy this time. Just when we took off, the sky was a light shade of blue with huge fluffy clouds swinging in the direction of the wind. All of a sudden, the change happened. As we reached Rock Dome town’s boundaries, the sky took a change of color to a sinister purple, clouds were flat like pancakes and not moving at all. I signalled a motion for Togekiss to land and she settled down on the soft grass with a slight bristle.
I retrieved Togekiss back to her Pokeball and looked around. The town was a rather compact area, only consisting of around five cottages, a tunnel leading out of here, and a cemetery that stood at an astonishing height at the edge of the town. These rocks around this place gave it a dull look as they covered the boundaries of Rock Dome Town. However, the fresh smell of sunflowers in the early morning was simply spectacular and extraordinary, where you can only smell it here.
Other than those pleasant features, this town was merely dead-looking. The cottages look extremely rundown and I can feel the bitterness just by standing here, something was not right. I looked up ahead and spotted two men with white hair on their heads. The slightly taller one whom I recognized as my father, Jackel, had a moustache that was the same color as his hair. Other than these obvious signs of aging, he doesn’t look old at all, with little to zero wrinkles on his tanned complexion. His nose was more protruded out, sizing a nice fit onto his oval-shaped face.
The shorter man beside him was Yagi. As I walked closer to them, he raised his hand to wave at me vibrantly, forcing a smile but still frowned on his forehead. He was a lighter complexion than Jackel with a rounded face, and was about thirty-five years of age, two years older than my father. Instead of the brown uniforms that they usually wore, they were dressed in plain tee-shirts this time, talking among themselves seriously. I called upon their names, Jackel and Yagi, and ran up to them.
"Good thing you're here already! You see, five years ago, I sent Sean out on a mission to investigate the disappearance of many Pokemon, humans and objects after a person by the name of Hiker passed away. Though, we heard a scream not long after Sean went in, and Mandy whom was a close friend of Sean's decided to go into the cemetery to look for Sean instead. After that, we immediately contacted your father, Jackel, the owner of Secret Agents, but by the time they were here, the cemetery had crumbled," Yagi explained, while his moustache angled in a weird direction as he frowned time to time.
"Yes, the cemetery indeed crumbled," my father confirmed, observing my doubtful expression at the word of "transformed". "We witnessed the transformation as the tall tower crumbled to nothing; all was left but a pile of concrete. We used our Pokemon to try and move the mess, but somehow, there was a barrier around the destruction. Throughout these five years, we've kept it a secret and started extensive research on Death Valley, and discovered a peculiar legend behind it..."
* * *
"Death Valley. A place with thousands of written legends, but only one of them is true. The name Death Valley came with a cause. I was the one who had founded this magnificent place, I was the one who had arrived before the humans, I was the one who had observed the idiotic acts of the humans, it is time to put an end to all of this. For decades I have waited, but it was for a good cause. Black Swipe, this will be judgement day, and we will make them pay, and get back Black Star, and have the world to ours!" I exclaimed towards the Sneasel sitting beside me on a throne chair as well, as we both laughed loudly and stared upon the two petrified statues in front of me...
02-17-2009, 07:39 AM
(Author’s Note: POV is changed back to Sam’s)
“You mean… the cemetery stood up again within a blink of an eye!?” I exclaimed wildly.
“Yes. That was the reason we called you here urgently. The cemetery was simply restored back to the original state with a blink of eye, from the crumbled concretes to a mighty tower again, except with a little difference…” Yagi explained, while directing for us to follow him.
We were soon walking across Rock Dome Town to the north-east area of the town where the cemetery resides. It was a short and silent walk, I noticed their heavy footsteps pounding on the ground as they strolled and immediately, I knew something was weighing on their hearts which was most probably about that cemetery.
There it was. The cemetery was a grand building with no windows, it was probably twelve storeys high, but was highlighted in a shade of venom purple, similar to the sky color around here.
Jackel then broke the silence, “Our research has discovered that Death Valley was over decades old, believed to be here even before the humans arrived. Apparently, it was owned by a Pokemon. The legends gave this Pokemon’s identity as a disaster and wherever it appears, objects turn to a poisonous purple, and it will be a force no one can stop unless the Odd Keystone is used. However, the legend also states that if Spiritomb ever escapes from that item, they must also mean that someone has broken the keystone, and there is only one keystone made decades ago. But we were thinking that if it was a Pokemon, there should still be chances of catching it with a Pokeball, so we’ve sent you, the strongest Pokemon trainer in the Secret Agents. So will you accept the mission?”
It was not even worth pondering. I knew clearly I was the adventurous type and such mystery was definitely worth seeing first hand, “Yes I will!” I agreed decisively.
“Alright, you should have all the items needed to assist you in the cemetery, and we wish you the best of luck!” Jackel said, as Yagi and he both saluted me.
I turned my back and opened the wooden door of the cemetery, creating a noisy squeaky sound. Immediately, dusk speckles smacked right into my face. I walked in deeper and realized that the cemetery was dimly lit up by the burning torches on carved pumpkins on the walls. The eyes of the sculptures were of a devilish vicious red, as the flame on the candle inside the pumpkin glowed continuously. The door had now slammed shut, concealing me probably alone in this tombstone covered area. The purplish-fog wavered around the cemetery, hindering sight a little bit as I felt a burning sensation when I breathed, burning my throat and eyes to a sizzling sensation.
This place was nothing like a once crumbled area. The candles were still burning intensely, the tombstones stood fixed and still, the ground wasn’t shaking, just that the place was dead-quiet.
This was truly a most eerie thing. Everything in this place seems dead but that extraordinary thing is that, I seem to be walking in circles. As I climbed up the staircase once again, the slight crumbling of concrete echoed, stopping me in my steps. After all, this was a once fallen cemetery; I decided that I had to be more careful. Creeping up the stairs, I noticed that the grey concrete I was stepping on looked as if they were being chewed before, with small and accurate bite marks here and there.
I've reached the fourth storey now, or was it three? I wasn't sure, as each floor of the cemetery looked exactly similar. The run-down tombstones were old and tattered, but still in a good enough state, at least after the crumbling of the cemetery. They were everywhere, all placed in a neat pattern.
All of a sudden, I froze in my steps. The voice of that rang in my brains continuously, as a bead of sweat rolled down my cheek. I turned my head to the right and stared at the especially brown tombstone, now that I noticed. It was different from the other tombstones, being in a shade of maroon brown and the tombstone was in an excellent shape too, as if it was recently built.
Then, a cold breeze blew by. The fog got thicker by every second now, swirling around me and enveloping me in the purple haze at the same time. Though it was really hard to see, I roughly spotted a creature materializing from the brown tombstone.
“Surrender now and I might just spare your life!”
I quickly rubbed my eyes and tried to look at the creature who was speaking. It had a weird accent and my brains feel like they were being infiltrated every time it spoke. The voice echoed once again and I realized that the fog had dissolved by now, thus I looked at the creature that had risen from the dead, with a mix of scared and excited emotions.
“I’ve been awakened by the master of this cemetery and it is now my mission to make you suffer!” he spoke, while the red jewel on his core continued to blink a dangerous red violently. He sprouted off from his stance and spun towards me with his several spiked-like edges.
The excitement and panic I felt was mixed rapidly inside me. I knew that being a Staryu, he must be weak to electric and grass-type moves, so I grabbed a Pokeball immediately. It was finally time for a battle.
“And I thought you were going to send out a Pokémon with an advantage. A normal-type Pokémon? No chance!” The Staryu’s voices echoed in my head when he saw the white flashed materializing into a bunny-like Pokémon must have probably been some psychic powers perhaps.
“That’s right! I forgot to introduce myself! I’m the leader of the Goldenrod Gym and I own normal-type Pokémon! If you think you can beat me, c’mon and show me your prowess!” I replied, as I directed my finger towards the Staryu, signalling for Lopunny to attack.
The brown rabbit-like Pokémon bounced off the ground with her tiny foot, as her fluffy cream-colored ear-tips, legs, eyebrows, and forearms were all swimming in the air. Without warning, she fired at the Staryu with her giant ear-tips while they glow in a hue of yellow. The static electricity discharged off from her ears when they rumbled onto the spinning starfish continuously, whilst the Staryu cried in agony.
“How dare you!” he shrieked, as he struggled to lift himself off from the ground.
“Lopunny! Finish him off with a Quick Attack!” I shouted, looking upon the agile Pokémon that was speeding off so fast; all was left but a trail of white mist.
Suddenly, Lopunny was rebounded back by a huge burst of water attack. The Staryu had also been hit by Quick Attack just before the Hydro Pump was released, but while being hit, he had turned all of his spikes into Lopunny’s direction actually, releasing five torrents of water blasts.
“Fight back with a Thunderbolt!”
As her ears straightened into the air and she charged up a ball of electricity, she hurled the yellow surge of energy towards Staryu. Then, he dissolved into dust; the Thunderbolt smashed onto the tombstone, knocking the piece of big tablet down.
“Where are you!? Show yourself!”
“Since you’re so enthusiastic about it, we shall welcome you…” A voice was emitted out of nowhere, but this time, a different sound from the Staryu’s.
I clenched my fist and held my breath, preparing to call out an attack from Lopunny any second now, as I sweated profusely while freezing in my battle stance. We looked ahead while both Lopunny and I got sick.
The passage of the cemetery had transformed right before our eyes. It was now an empty room, with all four walls facing me. I looked straight up ahead and got pale and there was a pair of statues standing right in front of me.
I recognized the male statue almost immediately since it bared exact resemblance to the photo I was showed earlier. The hair of his was hanging around the upper part of his face, while his eyes were wide open, with tears on his cheek frozen onto the statue as well. His irises stared into mine, as I felt a wave of sorrow at the same time. The female statue however, was in a gruesome way. Her right arm was hanging loose from her body, almost separated except for a thin piece of flesh still connected. Her legs and body looked as if they were crushed flat, as I noticed the ribs in her chest seemed to be protruding out from her body. The face of hers was totally different from Sean's, it was dead. Her eyes looked dead, with some liquid from her eyes dripping to her cheek, as I assumed it to be blood. I hate to think what had happened to Mandy.
This time, the mist started to surround me again, as it got thicker and thicker. Within seconds, the mist was gone again, but was replaced by two Pokémon.
"This is what happens when you stand in my way! And those two are just the start of my revenge!" she screamed in a pitch exceeding beyond high, while the swirling purple vortex around her glimmered with the green lights circling her face. It stared at me viciously with a green and crooked mouth, as well as two green eyes shaped like half-crescents. The left eye of hers had a spiral-shaped pupil, while she glared at me even more fiercely as I observed her. Her companion however was milder, less vengeful. He looked like a weasel, with his body consisting of mostly black, with bright red feather-like growths on his left ear and lower back. The yellow markings on his face and his chest glowed in the dull room, while he glared at me as well with sharp triangular-shaped eyes.
I took out another Pokeball and flung it into the air. The sphere opened up in mid-air, revealing a stunning flash that dropped to the ground in a graceful manner. The light transformed into a pink colored cow-like Pokémon, coupled with small horns and a long tail with a black ball in the end, as well as black spots on her back and a black "hood". She patted her cream colored belly that has four udders as she got into a battle stance quickly, while she winked at the Lopunny, whom winked back, being close friends for long now. They glared back at the Spiritomb and Sneasel, where they exchanged bitter stares at each other. The weasel started things off by disappearing in the air quickly, while the Spiritomb released a bright red flare from her irises as it began to reach out for my normal-type Pokémon.
I knew immediately that the Sneasel had used Faint Attack. The weasel had disappeared in the air and he will most probably appear right in front of one of my Pokémon, attempting to score a surprise attack. Hence, I quickly gave my Pokémon a straight forward command, "Both of you, use Protect!"
Lopunny and Miltank quickly created a green barrier from their ears and udders respectively, as the protections smashed the Sneasel when he appeared right in front of my bunny-like Pokémon all of a sudden. The confusion rays released by the ghost type were also deflected off when it hit the barrier. I knew that the Spiritomb was probably the leader of the team, since she was the one talking most of the time, she was more vicious than her companion, and Sneasel seemed to be weaker as well. Thus, I decided to take down the weasel first before Spiritomb, so that destroying the sturdy ghost type would be much easier.
"Now, both of you use Focus Punch on Sneasel!" I shouted, knowing that both of them understood what I was doing, since we had been battling for a very long time and this was a common strategy we normally use.
Then, the ears of Lopunny's sparkled in a crystal silver, similarly to Miltank's arms as they both jumped towards the helpless weasel. Just as the punches were going to make contact, the Spiritomb appeared right in front of her partner instead as she smirked in arrogance. Lopunny's ears delivered a huge punch but it went through the ghost type instead, doing no damage at all. Instead, Miltank's arms slammed onto the Spiritomb, as the huge collision created a loud echo while the Spiritomb fell to the ground in shock.
"That was Scrappy, and it allows Miltank to hit ghost-types with normal and fighting moves still," I explained, knowing that the she hasn’t seen that coming.
By now, I suddenly realized that Sneasel had gone missing. Almost immediately after that thought, the agile weasel appeared again, slashing Lopunny with vicious tears of Fury Swipes continuously with his sharp-pointed claws. Spiritomb had got up by now, while releasing a purple aura from her mouth in a gentle motion, but the aura transformed into bullets suddenly and charged towards Lopunny and Miltank as Sneasel jumped out of the way, while it slit through their body in the process.
"Lopunny! Miltank! Are you alright!?" I shrieked, as I looked upon to see the crimson blood trickling down their skin, tainting it to a vengeful red. Lopunny turned back and managed to struggle out a wink at me, signalling to me that they were fine. The plan was still going on. "Alright then, you know what to do!"
Then, Lopunny turned her back onto the foe and squatted down to suck on Miltank's udders. Her wounds started to heal as the cuts were beginning to vanish, while a green barrier slowly formed around both of them like a circle. The Sneasel and Spiritomb sped off, leaving a trail of black dust behind them, as they smashed onto the Protect with vengeance, but to no avail. However, they didn't stop. Again and again, both of them rammed onto the barrier roughly, while the protection started to dissolve. At this time, Lopunny quickly got back into battle stance while looking energized, except for Miltank whom had only used up more energy in healing Lopunny.
"Miltank, return! Take some rest first!"
I took out Miltank's Pokeball and aimed it at her, as the red beam zoomed out from the Pokeball and reached out for the cow-like Pokémon. Without even giving me time to call back Miltank, the Spiritomb had strike by now by taking off in a quick flash, as she strike the Miltank just before the beam reached her, knocking the cow-like Pokémon with a grin. The weasel quickly raised his claw up as well, whilst he jumped towards Lopunny as the claws glowed in a silver shade.
"Quickly, use your Focus Punch!" I yelled, as I took out Miltank's Pokeball and returned her to her Pokeball.
The Sneasel had reached Lopunny by now, as Lopunny charged up the ears immediately with a white sparkle, ramming it onto Sneasel's claws. Obviously being stronger, the Focus Punch caught contact of Sneasel's entire body as both of Lopunny's ears smashed on weasel, knocking him out in one hit. The Spiritomb looked upon all these as her partner lay on the ground motionless, as her eyes started to burn with fury. The green spots around her body were retracted out as they swirled in front of her, creating a violet vortex of wind. The small vortex slowly transformed into a huge wave of purple wind as it blew towards Lopunny. That was probably Ominous Wind but why is she using that against Lopunny, when the ghost-type attacks won't hurt Lopunny? My question was quickly answered violently, as the huge wind smashed onto Lopunny, carrying her along with the spinning tornado.
"Lopunny, get out of there with Mirror Coat!"
02-17-2009, 07:43 AM
I prepared to call out another attack as I looked at Lopunny to see if she was ready for the attack. Instead, the bunny Pokemon was controlled by the wind totally. I looked on helplessly as Lopunny continued to swim around the vortex. All of a sudden, I caught sight on her. With her eyes closed, she was probably fast asleep. Suddenly, I knew what had happened now as the Ominous Wind was merely a distraction and an aid to getting Lopunny disabled.
"So you finally noticed it?" she said, as if she could read my mind. "I had released hypnotic rays and confusion rays along with that huge vortex, and that Ominous Wind was simply a way to enhance my Hypnosis and Confuse Ray. Now, you will meet the same fate that I've given to your companions!"
"Hold on! Answer my question first, how can you speak human language?"
"Haven't you figured that out by now? The entire cemetery is under my control as it belongs to me. It is you humans who have snatched it from me by making it a cemetery. It was once a place where only I stayed, till you humans started to come. From that day on, I vowed that I'd take back all that belonged to me. So, I've been living for so long by now, of course I would have experimented on humans to observe how they talk and how some Pokémon uses their psychic powers to talk human language. Furthermore, I'm strong enough to snatch away their vocals so talking is a piece of cake. And now, to take over the world starts from taking over Death Valley! Like what you saw earlier, I've made this place crumbled and stand just as I wished, and I am going to make it crumble onto you this instance!"
"Wait! So you're just going to run away like a coward? Good luck trying to taking over the world while being a coward!" I yelled, while pretending to make her stay and fight without making the cemetery crumbles again.
"How dare you call me a coward!? I'll show you what I am made of!" She echoed louder than before.
"And you're aware I still have four other Pokémon?"
"Yes I am. Thus, I've already set a curse upon you that is if you ever send out another Pokémon or if I ever collapse, Death Valley will fall immediately."
"Yeah right,” I said sarcastically, as I kept an eye on Lopunny who seems to be waking up soon in that huge vortex of wind.
“Don’t believe me? Try it!”
Suddenly, I observed the bunny’s tiny oval eyes were beginning to open up, revealing her gorgeous red irises. It was clear she was still confused when she started to whack herself with her fluffy ears. Then, I began to think of an alternative plan. The ghost type was still staring me at me eye-to-eye, completely unaware that my Lopunny had already woken up, while I glared back at her maintaining eye contact, at the same time thinking of a solution. I remembered that I did bring several berries and there’s one that cures confusion as well, thing is how I would give that to Lopunny…
“Aha!” I exclaimed and quickly dug out the pink berry that was in the shape of a strawberry. I ran all the way right next to the tornado and crushed the berry with my bare hands, then throwing all of it into the tornado spin.
I watched the spinning effect as the crushed powder got scattered throughout the entire tornado, while some of the pink powder splattered onto Lopunny’s face as she suddenly opened her eyes wide.
The tornado has dissipated by now as my bunny-like Pokémon returned to stand in front of me while recomposing her stance. The Spiritomb opened up her mouth wide just as the tornado dissolved, and started growling loudly. From her gaseous green mouth, the bright yellowish-orange beam began to twirl from a tiny energy ball to a humongous orb of force just waiting to be released.
I could have swore I saw her winked at me with her luminous green eyes before she fired off the intense beam with all her might, letting loose the crushing power of a Hyper Beam right onto my Lopunny. I shrieked in horror at the might of that attack and hurriedly managed to squeak out a “Mirror Coat!” for my Pokémon to use, just before the vigorous attack made contact.
Immediately upon hearing my command, Lopunny surrounded herself with a layer of shimmering protection. The coat around her sparkled endlessly with bits of the substance looking like ice crystals, while she stood her foot deep into the ground. The Hyper Beam came without halt and smashed onto my frail Pokémon as the attack overshadowed Lopunny completely first.
Then, the Mirror Coat had started to work as the vicious attack was pushed back a little, with Lopunny clenching her face tightly as she tried to gather as much strength as she could. Suddenly, my Lopunny let out a scream as the icy coat deflected the entire attack back at the Spiritomb. The massive beam overpowered the ghost type totally, slamming the Spiritomb onto the walls with an enormous impact.
This was truly a panicking moment. I felt the ground tremble slightly while pieces of tiles from the ceiling started to crumble down onto me. The fallen Spiritomb, the statues of Sean and Mandy, and the crumbling tower, there was really no time to think at all.
I heaved a deep gasp of air while my heart pounded ever so violently. My mind was in a whirl as I grabbed tightly onto a Pokeball all of a sudden. I wasn’t sure if this will work but it will be worth a try.
“Porygon-Z, go fourth and use Trick Room!” I shouted while flinging the orb into the air, emerging from a display of white radiance to a silhouette of a hovering Pokémon. He levitated higher into the air once he was fully out of the sphere, wagging his cerulean blue and wing-like leg as he broadened out his plump wings. With a twist of his detached head from his body, the small, horn-like structure on his head started extending longer; his yellow eyes shaped in hypnotic circles began to narrow as well, whilst the cerulean blue pattern on his chest that was connected to his wings started to glow.
He let out a soft howl as the pattern on his chest was released and enlarged right in front of me, which looked like a massive three-dimensional curve. Then, the cybernetic Pokémon stared at the curve, shooting a direct yellow ray from his eyes. The beam touched the curve on contact as it spread throughout the curve, lighting up the dim room to a dazzling illumination. Within seconds, I felt the cemetery warping while the area around me was moving around and turning violently. Even when it was a sudden movement, I had complete control on the ground, not losing my balance at all.
Suddenly, everything stopped moving and I beamed a slight grin as I had known that I had succeeded. I looked ahead and saw the Spiritomb hovering there in the air, while Lopunny was still stuck in the tornado with her eyes starting to open slightly. This was the exact same moment minutes ago just before I crushed and threw the Persim berry into the vortex of wind.
Even Porygon-Z was back in his Pokeball, while I quickly put my plan to action. Since the Trick Room had reversed time out of my cry for desperation, I should make the best of this. I took in a huge puff of air as I braved myself and looked at Spiritomb’s eyes.
“Tell me; is there a way to return life to the statues and to escape this cemetery?” I asked, not sure at all if I would be given a proper answer. After all, my previous attempt did work and it was no harm to try.
The room turned to a deep silence as the ghost type looked back at me. I could hear nothing except for the constant noises of my breathing and I wished for the best…
(If the Spiritomb gives a proper answer, Spiritomb is captured. If not, Spiritomb is not captured.)
*Kat will be grading this.
02-22-2009, 03:58 PM
Yay, it's here. :p
Story/Plot: So that’s what happened to Sean and Mandy. How horrible. D:
To be honest, the plot for me was so-so in comparison to “Ghosts of Halloween”. I think the reason was mainly due to the fact that the action in the story was pure battle, and while battles can make things exciting, I think too much can make things boring. That’s the only problem I had with the plot. The way Mandy and Sean ended up gave me the creeps, along with how the cemetery repaired itself. I think if you would have elaborated more on some things, the story would have been evened out. I also have a question: was the Staryu real or just some sort of illusion from the Staryu that was captured before?
Introduction: Nice introduction there, it certainly set the mood. The way Sean told Sam about how Mandy was going to be in his arms made me laugh. xD However, you didn’t describe the surroundings (not Rock Dome but where Sam was before he flew on Togekiss) or Sam. Big mistake there. Be careful, and make sure you include everything you need to in a certain section.
Grammar/Spelling: Ehh, this wasn’t as good as it should have been; You:
1. Sometimes switched tenses when using words, making me kind of confused.
2. Missed some commas and words.
Be really careful with that.
And I also found most of your sentences awkward. It wasn’t grammar, spelling, or missing words. It was the way you combined two sentences that made the flow weird. For example:
It was clear she was still confused when she started to whack herself with her fluffy ears, as I began to think of an alternative plan.
Both sentences are fine and make sense, but with the “as”, it just doesn’t sound right. It would have been much better if you just left it as: “It was clear she was still confused when she started to whack herself with her fluffy ears. I began to think of an alternative plan.” In my opinion, it sounds WAY better.
Another example is:
Suddenly, he dissolved into dust while the Thunderbolt smashed onto the tombstone, knocking the piece of big tablet down.
In my opinion, if take out the “while” and either connect the sentences with a semicolon or make them two separate sentences, it really will sound much better.
I’m not sure if it’s just me or if you will notice it, too. Needless to say, I won’t count this against you, that would be unfair since I think it’s mainly my opinion; I just wanted to point these things out because I think it will make your writing flow so much better. However, I still hold you accountable for the first two points I mentioned. That will count against you.
Length: You’re 3K under the minimum, which is why I’m being pretty picky in this grade. I really think you could have reached 30K if you tried harder.
Description/Detail: Other than Sam, the humans, and the first set of surroundings, your description was pretty spot on, especially with the Pokémon. I noticed you used the word “purple” a whole lot, so try to keep from repeating description words. Keep describing the things you did describe and start describing the things you didn’t.
Battle: Practically the whole story was pure battle. There isn’t much to correct here. You used Abilities, combination of attacks, and the way Sam administered the berry was pure genius, I think. Everything was pretty-much two-sided; I think all Pokémon were very involved. Awesome job here, you make me jealous. ;p
Outcome: It was a very good story, but some things just weren’t in your favor. For now, Spiritomb not captured! You can either: a) fix up your grammar and describe the things I mentioned that you didn’t, so that the story top notch, or b) add enough to the story that is sums up to at least 30K and describe the things you didn’t in the introduction. I’m being nitpicky since as an experienced writer and grader, you know what’s to be expected. I know you can do it, Ataro! :D
02-23-2009, 06:59 AM
Thanks for the grade! :D
Actually, I meant for that Staryu to be a spirit of the captured Staryu's brother/sister, but I forgot to add it in somewhere.
02-25-2009, 01:10 AM
Hehe, I think we all forget to add important details in our stories. ^^;
Yay, you did exactly what I wanted. It's up tp 30K and the introduction is now excellent. Just keep in mind that you should do these things from the first get-go. You are a grader, after all, and therefore should set an example *Lead Grader voice talking here :tongue:*. I have no problem saying: Spiritomb captured!
Don't slack off on any of your stories! xD Enjoy your Pokemon!
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