View Full Version : A New Start!!! Ready For Grading!!!
04-26-2005, 09:25 AM
Joel was a teenage boy who kept to himself and didnt really like having any
friends all he wanted to do was go to school learn go home and get stuck
into pokemon.Thats all that joel wanted to do in his life study pokemon and
eventually get a pokemon of his very own.
"RING!!!!" the school bell signaled.
"have a wonderful holiday children" the school teacher tried to say too the
children but the noise drowned her words with children screaming and rushing
out the door.
the teacher packed up her things and was about to walk out the door when
she looked up and saw joel still sitting in his seat staring aimlessly out the
come on Joel the bells gone.
joel tuned back into the room.
he grabbed his things and walked out the door.
"oh and Joel.." the teacher stopped him.
"ill see you next term" she said smiling.
Joel laughed and smiled back.
Joel ran home as fast as he could he couldnt wait to get
home and study more about pokemon.
Joel rushed through the door greeted his mother rushingly and went straight
up to his room to his books and photos of many pokemon.
"Joel can you come down for a minute" called his mother.
"coming" Joel called back.
Joel rushed down the stairs to see what his mother wanted.
"Joel would you like to go to your grandpa's for a week in these holidays?"
asked Joel's mother.
"yeh sure that would be great but how would i get there"asked Joel
"well you could walk there, your dad has something for you in his shed"
said his mother.
Joel rushed to see what his dad had for him.
to be continued plz give some feedback!!....
04-26-2005, 11:31 AM
Joel knocked on the door of his dads shed untill he heard his dads voice call
"hey dad, mum said that you have something for me?" said joel.
"yes, but first have you decided if you are going to your grand-dads?"asked
"well i was thinking about it and i would, but it's really dangerous walking out
of town without a pokemon" replied joel
"alright thats good enough i just got this of the prof." said his father while
handing over a pokeball.
"wow a pokeball, but dad i cant catch anything without a pokemon" joel said
"no son" chuckled his father "look inside"
joel looked at the ball then threw it in the air and with a mighty voice
the ball spring loaded open and in a flash of white light a pokemon appeared
there stood a cute little pokemon with an orange skin tone and a flaming tail
"WOW a charmander awsome thanks alot dad"
"thats ok, me and your mother decided that it is time that you start on your
dream on becoming a pokemon trainer and go to your grandfather's to study
with him" explained joel's father
Joel's jaw dropped he was actually going to be a pokemon trainer
"you will start tomorow, and here is what i have been working on for your
journey" said his dad while holding up an old bag with the zippers looking like
they had been fixed plenty of times, there were stains all over it and smelt
like moldy sandwiches.
"just take it into your mother and she'll get it cleaned for you" said joels dad
"gee! thanks dad but whats so good about this bag" asked Joel curiously.
"well i put in a pokemon recognizer so if u dont know what kind of pokemon
you see push this little button here" said his dad pointing to a little button.
"and i put pokeball holders here and your own personal pokeball cleaner here
and there is a special device right here" Joels dad pointed to a little silver
can looking device.
"this is your very own pokemon food maker you can get some recipies of your
grandfather when you get there tomorow afternoon"
for another half hour joels dad pointed out what little bits and bobs joel's new
backpack had then they went inside to have dinner.
Joel ate his dinner at rapid speed said goodnight to his parents and went to
his room to pack.
Joel had packed all he needed and was in bed ready for a goodnights rest
he lay there wondering about all the different types of pokemon and what
his grandfather would teach him?
he lay there thinking then his eyelids fell heavy and shut tight....
04-27-2005, 10:59 AM
Joel slowly awoke to the crow's of the pidgey's and spearow that were
already awake. The sun was still slowly creeping up the horizon and most of
the town was still asleep. Joel rubbed his eyes and slowly lifted his doonas of
himself and sat up in his bed and thought to himself finaly...morning.
He double checked his bag and put a few more things that he thought he
Joel went to his window and looked to the direction of his grandfathers place.
"Joel, breakfast" Joel was interupted by the call of his mother.
Joel went downsatairs for a harty breakfast.
"mum what are you doing awake?" asked Joel.
"you dont think im going to miss my sons last breakfast for a while with his
mother do you?" she laughed.
Joel laughed and smiled back at her.
"wheres dad?" Joel asked.
"he's still in bed you know him" they both giggled at the comment.
"thanks for breakfast mum" Joel said while giving his mum a kiss.
"you go back to bed you will be awake when i leave".
"ok Joel ill see you when i wake up then"
Joel's mother retired back to her bedroom while joel went outside to study,
and practice his techniques.
Joel finished up outside and just as he went back inside his parents where up
and his mum was making some coffee.
"mornin' son, ready to hit the road?, better ring your cousin and see if he's
"WHAT!!??, Kyle's going to come too?" asked Joel in horror.
"certainley" said his father "its tradition when the time comes cousins go to
their grandfathers to train and then they part their separate ways to
become the best trainer they can be."
"i wish you would have told me sooner". complained Joel.
Joel and Kyle didnt get along to well. Kyle was a month older than Joel and
always bragging about how much he knew about pokemon and was always
putting Joel down.
"go on Joel go get your stuff while i ring your cousin"
Joel gathered his things and rushed down the stairs and out the door, his
parents were already waiting to take Joel to the path that lead to his
grandfathers place they would meet his cousin there and seend them off
they walked for 10 minutes through the town until they readched a long dirt
road that seemed to run forever, then Joel and his parents saw in the
distance, a kid a little bit taller than joel with Long blonde hair and a blue
crocodile next to him.
"hey" the figure yelled froma distance.
"hello kyle" called Joel's father.
Kyle came rushing up to his uncle and gave a sturdy handshake and
hugged his aunty until he got to his cousin they just had pirceing eyes
focused on each other.
Joel's dad broke the ice.
"so where are your parents Kyle?"
Kyle and Joel broke their trances they couldnt come so they game me this
new phone camera. Kyle flicked out of his pocket a square metalic case with
a picture of a pokeball on the front. he flicked it open and said to the
phone "HOME" the phone responded with a voice "calling HOME".
A womens voice answered and Kyle held the phone out so that everyone
could see the picture of Kyles mom with a phone to her ear.
Kyle talked to his mum saying that he was at the main path to his
grandfathers and that uncle andrew and family were here.
he kissed the screen and hung up.
"alright are you ready to go Joel or did you forget your teddy bear?" he
laughed at his joke and turned down the path at set of for his grandfathers.
"ok son you listen to your grandfather and dont let your cousin try and
distract you and......." Joel's father was interupted by the call of Kyle
"hurry up Joel. We dont want grand dad to be dead when we get there"
"ok im coming" yelled Joel back at Kyle.
"oh and here son" Joels dad handed over 5 pokeballs.
Joel took them and put them in his pokeball holder in his backpack.
"thanks dad ill see you again soon" Joel hugged his dad and mum and turned
with one look back and a wave......
04-28-2005, 11:37 AM
Joel and Kyle had been walking for one hour. Kyle hadnt lifted his eyes off his
phone camera and Joel wasn't going to be the one to start a conversation,
but they had been walking for so long joels jaw was cramping up.
"so how are your parents" asked Joel.
Kyle took his eyes off his device and stared directly into Joels eyes and then
looked back down with no response...
they had walked for another hour and then stopped for a rest.
Joel pulled out one of his pokemon books and some sandwiches.
Kyle went and sat under a tree and started munching on his sushi and
drinking his wasabi.
Joel finished his sandwiches and started to quench his thirst with a popper.
Kyle came over to Joel and sat next to him.
"so what pokemon did your dad give you?" inquired Kyle.
Joel thought this weird that Kyle would just come over to him and start
talking, it was out of his character. Maybe he had just matured over the
time which they last met.
"i got a charmander hes really cool" Joel said as het got his pokeball and
called charmander out...
"CHARMANDER CHAR CHAR" yelled charmander in his pose.
"ill bet my totodile could beat him though" said Kyle smirking.
"how about when we are finished at grand dads we will have a battle?" Kyle
"yeh ok when we are finished training at grand dads we will have a battle"
Joel accepted the offer.
They packed up their things and continued on the walk to their grand dads.
The dirt road started to become unstable and rocks were all over the road
the trees on the side of the road started to become bigger and closer
together that formed a walkway. They could no longer see the sun through
the trees and the road that they followed could only be seen 30 metres away
before it dissapeared.
Kyle and Joel became uneasy and kept glancing behind them and side to side
and then repeat the process again.
they started to hear hooting and hissing.
"FLAP!! FLAP!!" a hoothoot flew just above them and made Joel and Kyle
dive to the ground.
"haha you should have seen your face you scardy cat!" laughed Kyle.
Joel didnt bother commenting.
They finaly reached the ending to the dark tree over grown walkway.
they hadnt noticed that the sun had almost sunk under the horizon and
they saw up ahead their grand dads house.
their grand dad was outside chopping wood and they saw their grandmother
watering the garden.
they ran to the front gate and called to their grandparents.
"oh boys your here, finaly your here" welcomed their grandmother.
she was an elderly women who was in her 60's and a bit plump.
"quick george their here" called Joel and Kyle's grandmum.
"im coming, im coming" called back george.
George looked like and older version of Joels father and had a bit of a hunch
in his back and was suffering from baldness.
He welcomed the boys with hand shakes and brought them inside to set
down their things.
George showed the boys to their room which had been made and had an
extra blanket on the end.
they went back into the living room and sat themselves by the fire.
their grandmother came in with two cups of hot chocolate and two cups of
coffee for her and george and went back into the kitchen.
"so boys how are your parents" asked george.
"oh mary could you fetch the bikies for the boys while your in there please?"
"yes george thats what i came back for".
George didnt hear this last call by mary and was focused on the boys to see
how their parents were.
Kyle and Joel took turns in telling their grandfather stories about their parents
and what was going on back at home.
they talked till the late hours of the night until mary suggested that they all
go to bed.
George walked into the room with the boys and said goodnight to them and
that they would start first thing in the morning.
all the lights in the house were turned off and the boys fell asleep quickly
from their long walk....
04-29-2005, 03:00 PM
once again Joel woke up fairly early. He rolled over to his side and saw that
Kyle was already dressed and was ready to get training.
he smirked at Joel "still not out of bed yet are you sure your ready to be a
pokemon trainer?" Kyle laughed at Joel because he could tell that he was
Joel rushed himself out of bed got dressed in a flash and ran downstairs.
Kyle was already sitting at the breakfast table with george and mary was
over at the hotplate cooking up some fresh eggs and bacon.
"Dont worry about cooking for us mary i have to take the boys out to the
forest and we are already running late" said george while glancing over in
The boys just finished their orange juice and went to grab their things but
george stopped them before they even left the kitchen.
"you wont need any of those things today boys" said george as he ushered
the boys out the door.
"but grandpa" said Kyle annoyed "i need my pokeballs so i can catch myself
some new pokemon".
"not today you dont" george sounded cross with Kyle's arrogance.
they said good-bye to mary and took only a mat each and one pokeball,
which contained their pokemon charmander and totodile.
they started to travel the way the boys had come.
they reached the entrance to the hall like path and entered but the boys
noticed something different, there was a path leading of the main one which
the boys didnt notice.
they started walking in the direction of the "new" path.
they walked for a kilometer or so and they saw the sun again and a water
hole with a waterfall and 3 rocks in the middle of the water.
"now boys sit and ill be back in 4 hours" then just as fast as he said it george
"What?!?!" Kyle was dumbfounded.
"what the hell are we supposed to do here?" Kyle asked but Joel knew just as
much as he did.
"maybe grandpa wants us to sit here and listen to the noises and see how
many pokemon we see?" answered Joel.
"well thats stupid im going to go catch one" Kyle stood up and showed Joel
that he had 2 extra pokeballs in his poket.
Joel just sat and watched as Kyle disappeared into the forest.
Kyle had been gone a whole three hours so joel decided to talk to
He reached to his belt where he grabbed his pokeball and opened it and let
"CHARMANDER CHAR CHAR" charmander started to run about a bit and went
to get a drink from the water hole.
as charmander bent down a mudkip poped out of the water.
"WOW a mudkip the mudkip stood near charmander and started running
just at this time Kyle reapeared on his little journey and saw the mudkip.
"Oh awsome you found my new mudkip for me Joel, good job" Kyle said
"GO totodile"Kyle threw his pokeball and in mid air it poped open and totodile
"totodile attack that mudkip with your takle!" Kyle barked orders to his
the unsuspecting mudkip was hit by totodile with his head lowered.
mudkip flew right back into the water-hole.
"quick chase it totodile and use your water gun" Kyle yelled to his pokemon.
Totodile dived into the water and there was a sudden rush off water and
mudkip was thrown right onto the grass.
As mudkip landed water splashed down onto charmander.
"CHARMANDER CHARMANDER CHAR CHAR!!!" he was not happy.
Charmanders tail suddenly blew up in flames blinding Joel and Kyle.
Charmanders eyes started to flash red.
Totodile landed back on the grass and was waiting for Kyle to tell him what
At this moment Charmander saw totodile, Charmander bared his claws and
charged at totodile.
"CHARMANDER wait!" called Joel, but charmander was out of control.
he was focused on totodile and wasnt going to stop.
"totodile use hydro pump" called Kyle to his pokemon.
Totodile widened his jaw and a jet of water came flying out.
charmander reacted with his fireblast straight into the hydro pump turning it
"CHARMANDER" roared Joels pokemon as he leaped at totodile and colided
with totodile sending totodile into a nearby tree.
Charmanders tail flame was out of contro it was four times its usual size and
Joel was getting worried.
he called back his charmander back into his pokeball.
"DAM YOU Joel you and your stupid pokemon you scared away the mudkip!"
"i...i..i dont know what happened!, and my charmander is not stupid it just
K.O your totodile" responded Joel.
at this moment their grandpa came back.
"grand dad you should have seen Joel, he couldnt even control his pokemon"
Kyle started to tell george what had happened.
"i know what happened Kyle i have been here the whole four hours which is
longer than you Kyle" george smirked at Kyle.
"why did you leave us out here grandpa?" Joel asked
"because i wanted to see if you could follow orders!" george sounded a little
annoyed and looked stern and hard at Kyle.
"I have rung your parents Kyle and they expect you home by dinner tim
tonight here are your things come back next year". george threw Kyles bags
"WHAT!?!? NO!!!" Kyle screamed "i'm supposed to be a trainer im ready'
"maybe next year Kyle, come on well walk together till we part our ways".
"NO!! you can walk by yourself" Kyle ran ahead and that was the last that
Joel heard from him.
"come on Joel well go home theres a nice big dinner waiting im sure your hungry" said george.
05-02-2005, 10:41 AM
Joel and George reached home and there was a massive roast dinner ready
They all sat down and served them selves some dinner.
"where is Kyle" asked mary.
"he had to leave early" replied george "couldn't follow instructions".
they all finished their dinner and mary cleaned up and went to do the dishes.
"so Joel tomorow ill take you to a secret spot known by few people and i
want you to catch a pokemon. No pokemon master can be the best with only
one pokemon" Joel listned intently. " i will follow you and i will take notes on
what you do".
"Then once you catch your first pokemon i will teach you all the things that i
"sounds good" replied joel.
"alright well im going to bed ill see you in the morning Joel. Dont go to bed to
George left the room as Mary came out to kiss him goodnight.
She came over and sat next to Joel.
"He really thinks you have potential Joel".
"Try and listen to everything he says. You may think hes an old fool but he
can help you with alot of things".
"well goodnight im going to bed too". Mary gave Joel a kiss and went to bed.
Joel sat there for a while and decided that he would read one of his books for
Joel put down his book and went into his bedroom and lay in bed.
Joel reached across for his lamp and turned it off and went to sleep...
George came in early too wake Joel up but he found that Joel was already
in the kitchen making some breakfast.
"well Joel i didnt expect to find you up this early". George sounded surprised.
"yeh i really want to go and catch my first pokemon". Joel smiled
"alright well as soon as you finish breakfast well leave". said george as he sat
down to receive his breakfast.
after breakfast they left the plates to mary and set of the opposite direction
to the woods that made Joel fell quzie in the guts for some reason.
they walked for about an hour then came to a bunch of tall hedges.
george reached into them and rustled around for a bit then suddenly Joel saw
the hedges open and there a door stood.
"right now all you have to do is knock" said george as he knocked on the door.
they waited for a second and then the door flung open.
"after you Joel" said george.
Joel walked through the door.
Joel was drwn aback at what he saw all types of pokemon running around.
Joel walked up to a sign and read: PARK RULES
you may only catch one pokemon from these gardens.
you may SHOW only one person these gardens.
NO battleing other trainers in gardens.
"wow awsome, how did you find this place grandpa?"
"well when i was a young pokemon trainer, like yourself, my dad took me here
to get my very first pokemon he used his pokemon to catch it for me and he
found it when his father used his pokemon to cath my fathers pokemon and it
has been passed down generation to generation" explained George.
"alright" said george "ill follow you around and have a look at your battleing
Joel set off down the main path. he saw all kinds off pokemon and they didnt
take much notice that Joel was there with his grandpa. there were all
different kinds rock,water,leaf,fire,flying,dragon and many more.
Joel walked around for about a half hour exploring the garden and seeing
what pokemon the garden had to offer.
Joel had made his choice that he wanted to counter his charmanders
weakness so he wanted a leaf pokemon but which one...
there was so many to choose from, oddishes, chikoritas, bulbasaurs,
venonats, sunkerns, hoppips, ledybas and lots more. Joel was having trouble
Joel turned around to ask his grandpa for advice but he was gone!
Joel wondered if he had been walking all this time and didnt notice that his
grandpa was not there.
Anyway thought Joel i guess i have to make my own choice.
Joel decided that he wanted a bulbasaur. He spotted a pack of them near the
"BULBASAUR your mine!" yelled Joel as he ran over to the pack.
All the bulbasaur looked up and ran into the bushes except one who stood its
Joel stopped and eyed of the bulbasaur, he looked angry and ready for battle.
"GO CHARMANDER!" yelled Joel as he threw a pokeball into the air.
"CHARMANDER CHAR CHAR!!".
Without warning the bulbasaur charged at charmander.
"CHARMANDER watch out!, use your fire spin".
Charmander started to spin around and around untill there was a tornado of
fire surounded charmander.The fire spin caught bulbasaur of guard he had to
pull out of his charge just in time! otherwise he would have been toast.
bulbasaur tried to fire a razor leaf at the fire spin, but of course it did not
"Charmander use ember!" called Joel.
A torrent of flames were launched from charmanders mouth straight for
the flame torrent connected with Bulbasaur head on.
Bulbasaur was flung back with the jet and landed hard on the ground.
Bulbasaur weakly got to his feet as he fired a leach seed!
"Watch out for the seed charmander"
Charmander just dodged the seed but was suddenly wrapped with a vine
Bulbasaur trickily used the leach seed as a diversion.
Charmander started to be flung around like a rag doll. slaming into the ground
"Charmander" Joel started to panic.
Bulbasaur picked charmander up for another bone crunching slam with his
As charmander went up his eyes started to flare red again and the flame on
its tail started to roar and flame bigger and bigger.
Joel knew what was coming it was rage again.
Bulbasaur didn't take any notice that charmanders tail was roaring.
bulbasaur was just about to slam charmander again, when charmander let
loose a flaming fire blast. Bulbasaur was caught head on again with another
one of charmanders attacks.
Bulbasaurs vine whip let loose and charmander started to calm down.
Joel reached into his backpack pokeball pocket and grabbed a pokeball.
Joel launched the pokeball at Bulbasaur. The ball hit Bulbasaur on the head
and sucked him in. It shook once, twice, thrice did it lock?
Story - I enjoyed the story, especially the Gardens myself, would love to see that elaborated more on. I like that you wrote in how you got your starter Pokemon, it is nice to see continuity.
Detail - Not so super, I wasn't truly brought into the setting, on a side note, you did an excellent job with dialogue descriptors, making that much more interesting to read.
Spelling/Grammar - A few issues, mostly capitalization, but for a first story, it was definately fine. In the future, try not to double space your story, it looks cleaner in full paragraphs and can be a bit easier to read that way. Make sure you are capitalizing Pokemon names, as they are a proper pronoun, grammar dictates we do this.
Realism - Perfectly in tune with the world, like I said, I really like the Gardens myself.
Battle - Needs to be longer. Half a post at the end of your story is not sufficient. When writing a Capture Fic, generally, the battle should be as many posts as the "find" aspect of the story.
Length - Needs to be longer. Check the stickies to get an idea for how many posts (10,000 characters) you should aim at writing for various Pokemon. I think if you lengthened your battles to the same as your story element, you would be in good shape.
Outcome - ....Bulbasaur Captured, this time. We take it easy on your first story, if this was not your first story, I would tell you to at least lengthen the battle and add more detail. Keep that in mind for your next attempt.
05-04-2005, 07:51 AM
awsome thanks for the comments and i will try harder to put more detail and grammer thanks alot
05-04-2005, 10:20 AM
no offense or nothing but i think its better to tell you than lie but don't you think it sounds a little bit like the actuall pokemon! yea you've madesome difference to it but its still the same storieline!! sorry i had to say
05-04-2005, 10:35 AM
i dont really care what you say about the story i got my self a bulbasaur but if its advice on how to improve story writing then im all ears
05-04-2005, 10:48 AM
i dont think it needs to be improved ! well the only thing is to improve is to try and move off the pokemon story like make up something different but with pokemon just dont follow the pokemon series storyline
05-11-2005, 05:13 AM
i actually dont really know what the story is about im at school when pokemon is on!!! :sad:
The Elite Ygseto
05-11-2005, 10:50 PM
I have a tip, try not to use the double space thing. That was hard to read.
BTW: Good first attempt at a Capture story!
05-12-2005, 06:22 AM
check out my new story Joel's adventure and tell me what you think
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