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Realityxxx
03-01-2008, 11:32 AM
Love is half the world away

Going for Azurill (Simple)

Characters with Spaces: 6,166
Characters without spaces: 5,032
Words- 1,169

I feel so sad.

Just a month ago- A month ago! My twin brother Yuki got kidnapped by a group of evil goons called Team Magma. I could just kill them!

Tears had run down my eyes when I saw a note pinned to the playground. Even more tears came rushing down when I had read the note. It had said:

“Your brother has been kidnapped by Team Magma. And you can NEVER get him back! Ha ha,
~Team Magma.”

I frowned. Our father worked for Team Aqua, so no wonder Team Magma kidnapped Yuki. But that was a month ago.

Now, I have long, sleek blue hair that is very shiny, and my once dull, green eyes are now bright and sparkly. Usually, I wear a blue hulterneck top with green spots, and some black jeans. Sometimes I have bare feet, but most of the time I wear blue and white thongs. Sometimes, when my hair is all tangled up, I tie it in a pigtail. Oh yeah, and I wear a waist bag around my waist like my cousin, May, who traveled with a guy named Ash. I never wear a hat. I prefer to leave my head to soak in the sun.

Today is really exciting. My Pokémon journey is about to begin!
It was 5:54 am and Professor Hibiscus’ lab STILL wasn’t open! I’d had my waffles, and now I was watching TV. Finally, the clock hand moved to 6:00. The professor’s lab was open!

The professor’s lab wasn’t far from here; Littleroot is a very small town! There were just a bunch of trees, 4 houses plus Hibiscus’s lab.

When I saw Hibiscus opening her lab, I waved. Happily, Hibiscus waved back.

“Hi, Sephiria!”Called Hibiscus.
She led me into her lab. It was a glass greenhouse, with white tiles all over the floor, as well as a few plants, a water fountain and a table with some plants on it and around it, and three Pokeballs.
Many Pokémon, such as Chimecho, Meganium, Bulbasaur and Kecleon were also in the greenhouse, playing in the fountain or around it. Occasionally, I would see a Pokémon that I’d NEVER seen before. It was light brown and green, and it looked a bit like a mix of an Espeon and Umbreon.
“Ah, it seems you have spotted my friend, Leafeon. She’s from the new region; Sinnoh.”

I looked shocked. I never knew that Hibiscus had gone to Sinnoh!

“Now, for the starters. Treecko, Torchic or Mudkip?”

As she said each Pokémon’s name, in a flash of white light, the Pokémon came out of the ball.

I picked up the blue one.

“I’d like this, please.”
“Ah, the water type Mudkip. Very useful.”

Hibiscus handed me something red. I looked at it. I knew what it was- It was a Hoenn style Pokédex. She also handed me 5 Pokéballs and a few potions.
“Good Luck!”Was all she said as I left the building.
My long hair flicked excitedly as I skipped out of Littleroot. My first adventure! This was SO exciting.
I sighed as a bratty girl went before the entry to Route 1.

“Oi!” she yelled, stomping her foot. “No people allowed! Unless you have a Pokémon!”
“I do, you snotty little brat. Look, Five year old!”

I pulled out my Pokédex and grinned as the small girl ran off. I had just KNOWN she would do that. Now I needed to see if my Pokédex had a map. It did. Satisfied, I walked off, a small grin on my face.

The grassy and rocky path past route one was fairly easy; No trainer attacks or anything! I was starting to get comfortable around this place.

It was starting to get mid-afternoon, and I was getting really tired and hungry. Finally, I saw a very small town. I held up my Pokédex.

“Oldale town.” Said the Pokédex, and I sighed heavily. It was past lunchtime, and I was starving.

“Might as well book in,” I said, walking into the Pokémon center. After all, i was hungry, and i did'nt have a tent with me. A friendly, pink-haired lady was behind the counter.

“Hi! I’m Nurse Joy. Nice to meet you!”

I grinned.
“Thanks, Nurse. Could I please stay the night?”
“Why, Certainly!”
“Thanks.”
I was REALLY happy. I’d never been happy for a while- due to Yuki.

I walked up the stairs and into a small room. The walls and carpet were all red, and the bed had plain white covers. On the right side was a table, and on the right side wall there was a huge, square window. The perfect room.
I smiled to myself and put my bag on the table. Mudkip, in a flash of white light, came out of the round, smooth feeling Pokéball.
Mudkip faced me, and smiled.

“Mud!”

I had never known that Pokémon could be that sleek and elegant. Suddenly, I knew that Mudkip was female- After all, Males never were that cute.
I looked at Mudkip for the first time. She had cute, shiny eyes, and her sleek, elegant small body hid the real fighter in her. On her cheeks were small, wet, orange gills, and on the top of her head was a small, round thing that was really a radar. I knew I would love her.

I quickly ate lunch, and before I knew it, I was fast asleep with Mudkip in my arms at 8:00 PM.

The morning was all too soon; I had jam toast, and Mudkip had some Pokémon Food. Then i got dressed, and now I was thanking the Nurse as I walked away.

I walked by a lake, and suddenly, a small blue thing, cute, round and wet, flew out as I stepped on a small twig.

“Azurill!”

I clenched my teeth and fists.

“Go, Mudkip!”

Mudkip leapt before me.

Quickly, Azurill let out a whole heap of shiny, multicoloured bubbles. It had just used Bubble- A water-type attack usually known by most water types.

“Quick, Mudkip! Use Whirlpool!”

Quickly, Mudkip let out a huge blast of wet, blue spring water out of its mouth to create a huge whirlpool, which trapped Azurill.

“Yeah! Woo!” I cheered. Azurill was trapped. But then again, I felt really sorry for the poor thing. It looked like it was in lots, and lots of pain.

“STOP, Mudkip! I don’t think it can breathe in there!”

Quickly, Mudkip swallowed the water. The Azurill sat on the floor, completely exhausted. It came back onto it's feet, launching yet another bubble attack at the water Pokemon. Mudkip tried to dodge, but was too late, and the Azurill's attack hit. Mudkip cried in pain, but that was very unusual. Mudkip was a water Pokémon too, was'nt it? Why did it cry in pain?

Suddenly, I knew. Mudkip's leg was bleeding, but not badly. I felt the urge to just return Mudkip and run away, but then again, I still knew that Mudkip really needed to fight back.

"Tackle, Mudkip!" I called.

Mudkip launched a huge, fast attack at the bouncy Pokémon. It hit, and the Pokémon flew away, back into the river. I dived it, and saw the Azurill, sitting on a rock underwater. Suddenly, it launched yet another water gun at me, sending me flying out the water and onto the ground. My wet body clutched the ground, but i was still to weak to fight back. I knew i would faint in a matter of seconds. Darkness bit me from the corners of my eyes. I had fainted.

When i started opening my eyes again, i saw Mudkip before me, still fighting. It had several cuts and bruises, and the small cut on it's leg was now bleeding madly. Azurill, on the other hand, had a bleeding lip, and a few bruises. I knew i had been knocked out for a few hours at the very least.

"No...Mudkip....leave...this...to...me..." i said faintly, reaching for the Pokéball on my belt. I returned Mudkip, and threw a Pokéball at Azurill. It rolled on the ground heavily, beeping every few seconds.

Splishee
03-03-2008, 07:09 AM
Eh, sorry. I'll be grading this as you asked. I've avoided it long enough.

Expect it really really soon. Like, within a few hours. I owe you that.

Splishee
03-04-2008, 08:22 AM
Sorry for the wait D:

Grade

Plot

A girl named Sephiria talks about mourning the loss of her twin brother, Yuki, who is kidnapped by Team Magma. All these thoughts are left, however, when she starts her regular Pokemon journey, choosing a cute Mudkip as a starter. As she embarks on the journey, she decides to spend the night at the nearest Pokemon Centre.

After she spends the night there (nothing really happens - erm, wtf?) she decides to travel outside to the lake, and is randomly jumped by an Azurill with asthma. After a short battle, Sephiria feels sorry for the Pokemon and takes it to a Pokemon centre.

Overall, the plot seems a little.. Random. You had the girl talk about her twin brother and talk about how depressed she was, but you don’t mention anything else about him in the story. Why did she suddenly decide to stay at the Pokemon centre? Nothing happened there that was relevant to the plotline. Really, nothing seemed relevant to the plotline.

I understand that you are considering starting a series, and the story about her brother will be revealed in time (I hope), but the story for grading really should offer some more information on it gradually, perhaps ending with a cliffhanger about the whereabouts of her brother?

Introduction

It caught my eye, I’ll give you that. It was a nice sentence to start the story off with, the reader immediately feeling sympathy for the character and wanting to find out more.

Your descriptions were a little harsh and straight to the point, which brings the introduction down a little. However, for a simple Pokemon like Azurill, it really was fine - but for future stories, I suggest trying to make your introduction much more flowing and nice, giving the story a great kick off.

Your descriptions of the main character were very thorough but not very nice and flowing - but the fact that you included them were good enough for an Azumarill.

Length

Azurill, being a simple Pokemon, requires 5 - 10 K of characters. Your story was 6 K, which was fine for the Pokemon, although a bit more length definitely would have been better and would have suited the story a whole lot more, as it seemed to be cut off rather quickly.

Grammar

All the way through it was pretty nice, but that was to be expected with your style of writing. Your sentences were quite abrupt and to the point, contrary to the more encouraged style of writing which is nice, flowing with complex sentences. For a simple Pokemon, this lacking was perfectly fine, but since you are obviously not new to story writing, you should be trying to develop that skill as you are quite experienced.

You had a few spelling errors, but nothing too drastic. I see that you had the brains to type the story up on MS word or simply spell check it, so nice job.

Here are a few big errors I noticed, however.

so no wonder Team Magma kidnapped Yuki. But that was a month ago.

You should never, ever start a sentence with ‘but’. But is a joining word, meaning that it should only be used in the middle of a sentence to string two different topics together. Although in some circumstances it is acceptable, this sentence had no reason to start with ‘but’. It could have easily joined onto the previous one to make it more complex and interesting.

Oh yeah, and I wear a waist bag around my waist like my cousin, May.

First off; who is May? You never made this clear, and it was as though you expected the reader to already know this. Well, we don’t, which made me confused while reading it. Try to explain everything mentioned thoroughly, even if you want to explain it gradually, make sure you do make it clear - eventually.

Secondly, when writing, even if it is in first person, the phrase ‘oh yeah’ is like slang, and slang is not proper English and can be frustrating to read. You should always use correct English and avoid slang at all costs, but adding in a few catch phrases, etc of the character to give him/her a distinct personality is okay - just don’t go overboard.

Apart from that, your grammar was generally okay - you had a few capitalisations that were out of place, as well as a few spelling errors, but nothing too big to mention. Again, you played it safe by your short, choppy sentences, and I think you should be trying to develop your writing abilities more. ^^

Description

Along with the grammar, your descriptive sentences were brisk and to the point, simply stating what things looked like. You should try and make your sentences nice and flowing, and incorporating more senses into it.

What do I mean? Well, you’re very adept at describing what things look like. However, you should try and include things such as smell, touch and hearing to get a more interesting and broader description. Here’s an example.

The professor’s lab wasn’t far from here; Littleroot is a very small town! There were just a bunch of trees, 4 houses plus Hibiscus’s lab.

What did the houses look like? What does a ‘bunch of trees’ mean? Was the town homey, or just too small? Try descriptions such as:

‘I stepped outside into the soft glow of the sunrise in Littleroot, smiling as I noticed the familier scent of honeysuckle in the air from nearby trees. Glancing up towards the sky, I noticed the faint rays of dawn rising above the glorious, green trees in the distance, as if heralding the new day. As I strode past the unmoving, small houses of Littleroot, I took in the marvel of each of them; the four quaint houses, each decorated in beautiful vines of tulips creeping into and around the rough, bumpy bricks. It was as though the tulips were expressing my desire for a new day, also, as I heard the faint cry of Pokemon in the distance.’

See how I incorporated smell, hearing and feeling as well as sight? It’s much more interesting and descriptive as the exerpt above, yeah? Obviously, your descriptions were fine for a simple Pokemon, but since you’ve been writing quite a few stories for the URPG, you should be developing some more-so sophisticated writing skills than you already have. ^^

I don’t want to sound harsh because your descriptions were quite in depth a lot of the time and you described everything that your character saw, which is what you should always aim for. But those are just areas you might want to consider improving on. ^^

Battle

Definitely too short, even for a simple Pokemon. If you had incorporated more descriptions into the battle, I might have let it slide - but the one-sidedness and unrealistic concepts was just too much for the battle.

Firstly, the Azumarill just ‘jumped out’ at the trainer? Although that may happen in the games, when story writing, you want to be as creative as possible when the trainer encounters a Pokemon. There was no explanation for this, and, despite your character having her very first battle, she went straight into it without a second’s thought. This is quite unrealistic, as I would have liked to see more emotion and description in it.

Although I quite liked how you described bubble, the fact that it was the only attack just doesn’t make this section as good as it should be.

Since when does a weak move like ‘Whirlpool’ defeat a Pokemon to that much extremes that they are coughing and wheezing, having an asthma attack? Again, a little unrealistic and one-sided.

Although the descriptions in this section were the strongest in your entire story, I suggest that you make it longer or make the Azumarill jump out in a more.. Creative way? :S

Overall

Although your grammar was pretty good and most sections just good enough for the Azurill, the unrealism of the end battle and the plotholes brought you down in the end. So, for now, Azurill not captured.

I suggest, if you want the baby Pokemon, to fix up the end battle and make it more realistic. I understand if you don’t want to change the plot drastically and add in the much-needed bits about her twin brother, so I won’t ask that of you - but if you are willing, that is perfectly fine, and a plus. If you fix it up, PM me for a re-grade and I’ll be happy to do it (and I’ll do it in a shorter time period :S

--

Re-grade! Re-grade!

Alright, I saw that you fixed up the battle. I really like it now, very action packed and very 2 - sided (on the verge of being 1 sided to Azurill :p). I love how you incorporated your character's thoughts and feelings into the battle, and I noticed that you changed the whole 'May' ordeal at the start, explaining who she was. Even though it wasn't as clear as it should be (obviously you are assuming that everyone who reads this story knows Ash's journey, which is something you should avoid), I appreciate that you attempted to change it.

Even though you didn't exactly change how your character encountered the Azurill (it's a little random), the battle is 10x better, so that's enough to get you the baby Pokemon. Azurill Captured!

Keep in mind all my suggestions for future stories (especially with descriptions ^^), and you won't need re-grades - ever. :P