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Hakken
03-01-2008, 03:17 PM
I'm really not sure if something like this is allowed, but I figured might as well try it and see how it goes if the trainer is a little... uh, different. :3 I'm sure you've read the Graveyard-Ghost-Blah blah blah story but this is a bit of a twist on it, I think.

Index;
I. The End... or is it?
II. THIS IS SPARTA! [coming soon]



Okay, so chapter one is for...
[B]Pokemon: Slowpoke
Difficulty: Medium
Recommended Length: 10-20k
Total length: 13,872

Chapter I: The End Is Only The Beginning

Ever since I’d died, I never much cared about Pokemon.

Why should I? They never bothered me, so I didn’t bother them. It was that simple. Sure, an occasional Shuppet would float by now and then, or a lone Gastly, or a lost Pidgey… But really, the inner depths of the old graveyard seemed to repel most Pokemon and humans alike; they stayed in the front gardens, splashing in the fountains and frolicking in the flowers.

I was a ghost- I didn’t need friends, and I couldn’t have Pokemon. Could I? The question was an unanswered one, for as far as I knew there was only one ghost who had even tried.

Takeshi, his name was. He had been the only other ghost still hanging around the graveyard with me, as the others had all passed on, but he had tried running off with some Pokemon years ago. I had seen him only a few times since, but not at all recently.

I sighed, pulling strands of my unkempt, translucent white hair out of my face as I daydreamed of the past. And then, after he had left, some trainer died and ever since, the only other being residing in the graveyard was the poor fool’s brokenhearted Vibrava.

Vibrava couldn’t sense me at all at first, but the more time he spent grieving here, the stronger his spirit sense became. Every night he returned without fail. By the fourth day, he could sense my presence, and by the second week, he could see me.

We did sit there all night sulking over a death of some sort, whether it was our own or someone else’s, so you could say we already had something in common. By the third week, I had to break the awkward silence. Tonight marked the third week. So, now was the time… no?

He sat perched atop a moss-covered branch above what I presumed to be the grave of his dearly departed trainer. I looked in his direction for once, making eye contact instead of nervously stealing a quick glance at the huge bug. My powder blue eyes searched his emerald ones fearlessly.

I tightened my grip around the handle of my lightweight scythe and hopped off of the gravestone I was perched upon myself. “Why do you still linger here? He’s not coming back, no matter how long you sit there and waste your life.” My voice was a bit rough from being underused, although I did talk to myself a lot.

“Vibra vi,” The Pokemon said quietly, although I could only guess what it meant. It was foolishness difficult for one like me to fathom. “Vibrava va,” He added in a slightly more audible tone.

That was easy enough to comprehend. “No, I guess you’re not really bothering me.” I scowled at nothing. “Why do you ask? It doesn’t matter.”

“Vibrava,” The yellow bug answered, shifting to face me, “Vi vibra.”

The night was chilly, but of course, being a ghost, I wasn’t cold. I reached forward in an attempt to run my hand along the slippery moss-lined bark of the tree Vibrava was in- It was futile, of course. My hand went right through it in my normal frustrating intangibility.

I couldn’t seem to materialize completely, no matter how hard I focused. Ghosts were supposed to be able to materialize. But I just couldn’t do it, and it irritated me so. “I’m a ghost. You don’t have to care about my feelings,” I replied at last.

“Vibra,” Vibrava shrugged. “Vi vi Vibrava?”

“My name?” This caught me a bit off guard. I fidgeted and smoothed my white short sleeve jacket uneasily. “My name… It’s… Uh…”

I tried to remember. I never used my name. I only remembered the first part, no matter how hard I tried. “Nami… uhm… something…. then something…”

“Vii?” He seemed rather confused at my confusion. It was all rather pathetic, actually.

“My name is Nami!” I said a little louder then I had meant to. I glanced quickly over my shoulder to make sure no one had decided to check it out or something stupid like that. Moonlight filtered through the translucent leaves forming glowing patches of jade light on the barren ground. The shadow of the Vibrava was the only other thing there. Nothing else, not even a shadow of my own as I lacked a shadow.

Suddenly, I had an urge to do something slightly uncalled for. I reached out and touched Vibrava right between the eyes. My hand didn’t go through him. I knew I was still intangible- why could I touch him?

“I’m touching you,” I mumbled happily. It didn’t make sense, but indeed I was.

“Vibra,” Vibrava squeaked excitedly, being overly trusting as most trained Pokemon were.

I removed my ghost white (heh heh, hence the phase) hand carefully as to not ruin the moment and coughed slightly.

“You’re not planning to stay here, right?” I said after the long pause. “A graveyard is where the dead reside; ‘tis no place for you.”

“Vibrava…” He sighed and looked at me uneasily.

I sighed. “Not sure, huh?” I held out my arm and Vibrava climbed onto it, flapping it’s thin, leathery wings slightly so that the ends brushed my skin. It felt good, for once, being touched.

I loosened my grip on my scythe ever so carefully and leaned it against the tree with the utmost care, ready to catch it if it fell, but it didn’t. I turned away, satisfied that it would be okay, and stroked Vibrava gingerly before putting him back on his branch.

“Sorry, just had to know,” I said simply.

An unusual, echoing, high-pitched howl filled the air. I, of course, identified it right away. I whirled around to face the Haunter which I suspected wandered into the graveyard on accident.

What I saw, however, convinced me this was no mistake...

---

The last thing I saw was a blur of purple. Next thing I knew, my scythe was gone without a trace. No Haunter in sight. I turned back to Vibrava, shocked.

A Gastly had appeared in front of Vibrava, separating us. I growled, ready to get myself into a fistfight with it if I had to, since we could see and feel each other just fine.

But the Gastly dropped a piece of paper and hastily disappeared, not eager to do so. Vibrava flew over and picked it up between his teeth to show me. Indeed, words had been scribbled on it.

“Mt Pyre, Next full moon,” Was all it read.

“Um… what?” I muttered, dumbfounded, and unable to make any kind of sense or sanity from any of this. “Mt Pyre? Isn’t that, like, far away?”

Vibrava nodded. “Vibra.”

I ruffled my white locks hopelessly and sighed. I was determined to get my scythe back, however. I just had no idea how. “I guess I’m going to Mt Pyre,” With an irritated wave of my hand, I added, “At least it’s still in Hoenn.”

“Rava…” Vibrava sighed. He obviously was not looking forward to lingering in a graveyard alone, even if his only past company had been the very ghost which resided there.

Ghosts are very set in their ways. I am no exception here. I had to have my scythe. The world could not work any other way. My natural persistent nature didn’t help much either.

“Well, I should leave tomorrow at sunset,” I concluded, “If I want to make it by the next full moon… I only have about a week, and the only way is by passing Fortree city.”

That was easy enough for anyone to say, but there were other challenges here: I was a ghost, I couldn’t stay visible for very long at all, and my Pokemon license was 100 years expired. Not to mention, I was on my own, and without a weapon.

“I suppose first things first, I should go train to be able to materialize without failing miserably,” I sighed, confused and just plain tired.

“Brava,” The Vibrava giggled at my blatant incompetence.

“Laugh all you want,” I protested, “I’m going to figure this out.”

Perhaps Vibrava didn’t know at the time, but my scythe was a little unusual- if wielded by a ghost, it retained ghostlike properties, while if wielded by a human, it would act like any other inanimate object. Basically, if my scythe was in the hands of a human, there was no way I could get it back if I couldn’t fully materialize. What an exciting fight it would be if we couldn’t touch each other.

The sun had begun to rise by the time I planned what I was going to do. Vibrava flew off to do whatever it normally did during the day as usual; somehow I felt awkward about the fact I would probably never see it again. I mean, it was the only thing I’d talked to (besides myself) in years.

I tried training to focus my spirit energy, but it didn’t work real well at all. By the end of the day, after nonstop training, I found myself able to become solid for a few minutes, but I was still translucent. This was going to be difficult.

Figuring I could save more time by continuing training for a few more hours, I did so. The sun had already set by the time I was getting ready to go. I grabbed my fingerless gloves from my pocket and pulled them on over my see-through hands before taking whatever else I had off of my belt and onto the ground.

I was busy tossing aside the few empty apricorn pokeballs I had when I heard a flapping noise from behind me. I turned to find myself face-to-face with Vibrava.

“Vibrava?” He asked when he noticed the wooden pokeballs.

“They’re made out of apricorns,” I shrugged, “They’re probably not as good as modern pokeballs, though. The ones with different colors have different abilities… like this white one, it’s like a fast ball.”

“Brava,” Vibrava squeaked, “Vii Brava va?”

“I used to be a trainer, albeit not a very good one… I only had one Pokemon, and I lost it,” I mumbled in reply.

“Vibrava?” This was one curious Vibrava.

“Glaceon.” I said, giving him a that’s-all-I’m-going-to-tell-you look.

I ended up discarding three broken balls, one of which was a black one. I decided to hold on to the rest and attached them to my belt hastily.

Vibrava stretched its wings and flew over to the exit, which lead out into the gardens. The inner graveyard was surrounded by a wall of foliage with a single gate as the entrance. I could go through it, of course.

“You leaving too?” I sighed. “Lonely?”

“Vii,” Was his reply.

I shrugged and walked over to the exit, looking over my shoulder once again before walking through it into the gardens. Vibrava followed, flying over the sealed gate. I said nothing and turned solid, training as I walked through the thick plants. I walked across the bridge on the lake separating the graveyard from the rest of the world. It was misty and sheets of white formed around us- Vibrava and I, that is, and Vibrava was still following me.

I ignored him and continued on, the thick fog blocking my vision. I was walking as opposed to floating as I couldn’t float while staying solid. Suddenly, I felt myself step on something.

I looked down to find a pink thing half-submerged in water. Suddenly, it moved from the water, a Magikarp getting flung onto the wooden bridge with it. Fishing? I turned to the owner and found it to be none other then the tail of a very angry Slowpoke.

“Eh… sorry… good Slowpoke…” I mumbled, realizing again that I was completely unarmed.

Of course, the Slowpoke was not very happy. It tackled me and I felt myself slip off of the edge and land into the freezing water with a heavy Slowpoke on top of me.

I almost forgot that I could become intangible, but I realized it after wrestling with it for a few moments. I did so and it fell through me, then I swam to the surface and grabbed the wood surface, swinging myself onto it with relative ease.

“Hey, that wasn’t fair!” I protested as the Slowpoke broke the surface.

Vibrava flew in front of me, striking a battle pose. Slowpoke seemed to accept this and climbed back up onto the bridge itself, ready to fight with Vibrava.

“You’re fighting?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“Vibrava!” It replied, appearing to be waiting for something. Orders?

“Uhmm… Quick Attack into Sonicboom?” I suggested, curious as to if he would listen to me.

Vibrava charged at Slowpoke at barely visible speed, adding its own twist onto the combo as it let out a sharp, deafening cry- Supersonic- before letting loose the Sonicboom. I watched as the area around Slowpoke began to distort.

Slowpoke soaked up the damage, however, and waited the Sonicboom out. The Supersonic proved useless against Slowpoke’s Own Tempo. The pink possum appeared to be using Amnesia, as it was sitting there looking dumb. Or maybe it was Slack Off? Who knew…

“Vibrava, Dragonbreath!” I said, more confidently this time.

Vibrava opened its mouth- which was huge for a little bug- and breathed a jet of sparking purple flame at Slowpoke, who continued to do nothing for a moment, then turned suddenly and raised one paw, glowing a faint purple for a moment.

The pink creature growled and Vibrava glowed purple, too. Slowpoke lifted Vibrava into the air and tossed him into the lake with an audible splash. Psychic.

Slowpoke dove in after Vibrava and the surface of the lake began to ripple as the possum began its Water Pulse attack. Vibrava tried to get out of the way, but being a ground type, it was a poor swimmer and its waterlogged wings wouldn’t go fast enough, especially underwater.

The bridge began to shake and I stepped back carefully, realizing it could be cracking from underneath due to the Water Pulse. I also noticed Slowpoke looked like it was getting ready to use Disable. I had to think of something quick. Not to mention, the freezing temperature and Vibrava’s ice weakness did not help much.

“Sandstorm, then Sand Tomb!” I called.

The sandy bottom of the lake began to sink, drawing Slowpoke in, but also Vibrava, I realized. In the water, Levitate was of no use. The water began to spin and they began to sink faster, spinning. Bad call, I realized.

This had to end, and now. “Hyper Beam!”

Vibrava did so and the surface of the lake glowed white for a moment as the glowing beam of energy was released, directly hitting the Slowpoke who had been using Slack Off. The pink creature was blown out of the water and into the air, where I saw my chance. I had to try it.

I grabbed a wooden pokeball from my belt, a blue one which was a lure ball, or a net ball as trainers used nowadays, and tossed it at the Slowpoke, who was absorbed in a flash of white light. The ball landed on the bridge and began shaking, flashing, and beeping.

Ding.
Ding…

Legendary Wolf
03-03-2008, 07:26 PM
I havent graded a story over easy in a long while...

Introduction: Hmm, this was a rather interesting intro. It starts with a dead trainer simply talking about how life(or death) had been since it died. The girl keeps saying that she hasnt really cared that much and no one really ever visited the small graveyard. Well it certainly wasn't the fruitiest of intros but the speech was pretty cool however, what most people like to hear is how someone dies, it simply interests them. So if that had been put in there would of been more of a hook rather than saying simply, "I died." And if you do do that make sure to put the details and descriptions of how it happened. You also forgot what she looks like and mostly where she lived, even what city the graveyard was closet too would of been appropiate for the situation.

Plot/Story: The story and/or plot of the whole thing I daresay bland. You simply have a girl remembering her past and making friends with a Vibrava, she's assaulted by a Haunter and is told to meet them at Mt. Pyre at the next full moon. Nami apparently goes and steps on a Slowpoke, battle ensues. It isn't to say it wasnt good. it could've been a little more exiting though. Vibrava too had a pretty grief past and was trying to get over it, I understand how it helped Nami battle but how it spoke wasn't the best. It's pretty obvious for it to be saying it and if Nami can understand it I'm pretty sure it would be better off if you simply put down what Vibrava said rather than have it say its name over and over again.

Spelling/Grammar: This was altogther pretty good, one mistake you must learn though:

I grabbed a wooden pokeball from my belt, a blue one which was a lure ball, or a net ball as trainers used nowadays, and tossed it at the Slowpoke, who was absorbed in a flash of white light.

I saw this twice maybe three times, but Pokeball has to be capitalized.

Details/Descriptions: This was pretty good but a lower point in the story. Something like a Pokemon's name shouldn't be used over and over again and rather be used in several types of descriptions such as instead of saying "Vibrava" over and over again you could use, "the skinny-legged Pokemon" or "the emerald winged Pokemon" instead of Vibrava, it just brightens the story's mood to something better than over reading the same thing again and again.

One more thing is, when you see a Pokemon try to describe them as if you had never seen them before, for example I had never heard of a "Slowpoke" before, whatever that is. And when you say pink blob or something along those longs I can't really make out what it could be, does it have dots on it? Any teeth? A tail? Some people aren't really pronounced to all the Pokemon so make sure that you really get the sight and feel of the Pokemon into one's mind or else people will be confused, which would not be good.

Length: This was good. You went for about the middle, try to keep close to the maximum or above the middle, just to be on the safe side.

Battle: To be honest, this dissapointed me. You put a pretty sizable amount however there was only about three or four real moves for each. A slowpoke tackles a teenage dead girl and three moves happen, yipee. I'm pretty sure Slowpoke and Vibrava have good movepools that can keep the battle moving along nicely. Thinking up some strategies that would work well together also helps the flow along. Also use verbs, such as struggled. Like how the Slowpoke was in the sand, a word like that would of been nice. But what would be really cool would be too however have some sort of interferance in the middle and the battle had to stop while the distraction was ended. It could start up again afterwards in a rather suitable manner. Keep that last part in mind too, it could save your capture. D:

Outcome: Dun dun dun, this was a pretty good story altogether and it had its low points and some high points. Trying to get all high points however would be nice. So I have to say Slowpoke Captured! Good luck young one. ;P