View Full Version : Unbelievable Bronzor!

03-01-2008, 09:28 PM
Unbelievable Bronzor!

Going for: Bronzor
Characters: 11,687

James a short, bright 13 year old boy was wearing a bandanna, a red shirt and blue pants. James who has dark brown hair and brown eyes walked into the brand new Pokémart which was built several months ago. James walked up to the cashier and asked the cashier if they had pokéballs in stock. The cashier, a beautiful, blond, young woman at the age of twenty-one was wearing a red cap with a big “P” in the middle, a red shirt and blue jeans.

“Yes, yes we do have them in stock.” The cashier said.

“Can I have five pokéballs please?” said James to the cashier.

“That’ll be five thousand dollars” said the cashier.

James handed the cashier the five thousand dollars and the cashier handed James the 5 pokéballs. Each pokéball was round and they were red on the top and white on the bottom. James put the pokéballs away and headed out the door and into the wild. The “wild” consisted of a small pond and lots of trees surrounding the Pokémart and James.

“Hey James!” yelled James’ rival Spencer. Spencer was the same age and height as James. Spencer was wearing a dark blue shirt and blue jeans. Spencer had black hair, brown eyes and a scar on his left cheek.

“So James, you up for a one versus one battle?” said Spencer.

“I always am” explained James. James loves to battle, especially against his rival Spencer.

“Of course you are…” said Spencer. James and Spencer both moved ten feet from each other and James started the battle by reaching into his pocket and taking out a pokeball. He threw the pokéball and when the pokéball hit the ground the pokéball opened up and a blinding white light came out of the pokéball. When the blinding, white light disappeared a figure started to emerge. The figure that emerged was a large, round, brown figure.

“Nice Graveler but will it be able to beat my Graveler.” yelled Spencer as he threw his pokéball. When the pokéball hit the ground a blinding, white light flashed and when it went away all that was left was a Graveler just like James’.

“Wow, this will be interesting” thought James.

“Wow, your Graveler looks as tough as mine!” yelled James.
“Graveler lets start this battle off with a rollout!” said Spencer as Graveler got into a ball and started rolling toward James’ Graveler at full speed.

“Graveler, use your powerful arms to stop the rollout!” said James. When Spencer’s Graveler was about to hit James’ Graveler, Jame's Graveler stood its ground and caught Spencer’s Graveler dead in its tracks. James’ Graveler then grabbed Spencer’s Graveler and threw him into the forest.

“Nice job Graveler!” said James.

“Don’t get too cocky.” said Spencer as his Graveler came rolling back and when Spencer’s Graveler came to a halt it looked like it didn’t get a scratch from the last attack.

“Wow, that did nothing to your Graveler!” said James.

“I’ve been training it to take hits like that.” explained Spencer.

“Well can it take this rollout!” said James as his Graveler got into a ball and rolled toward Spencer’s Graveler in lightning fast speed. Spencer’s Graveler couldn’t dodge the rollout since James’ Graveler came to fast at him. Spencer’s Graveler was hit by James’ Graveler and got major damage done to it.

“Graveler!” said Spencer as he went to check if his Graveler was ok.

“Graveler finish it off with another rollout!” said James as his Graveler got into rollout position. When rollout was about to hit Spencer’s Graveler a dark, blue figure from out of nowhere blocked the rollout from hitting Spencer’s Graveler.
The figure was half the size as Graveler, had two yellow, beady eyes and a smile that creeps many people out.

“Wow, a Bronzor!” said James.

“James lets double team it and try to capture it!” yelled Spencer. James liked the idea and told his Graveler to do a rollout on the Bronzor.

“Graveler, you do a rollout from the opposite side as James’ Graveler!” yelled Spencer. Both Gravelers came at full speed while Bronzor just stood there without fear. Both Gravelers did rollouts on each other because Bronzor at the last minute disappeared.

”Where did it go?” said Spencer.

“I do not know.” said James. Two seconds later Bronzor came from out of nowhere and hit Both Gravelers with a faint attack. James and Spencer were in shock of not only seeing Bronzor do a quick as lightning faint attack but also as how powerful it was that it knocked out both of the Gravelers!

“Graveler return!” said both Spencer and James. They both took out the pokéballs that both Gravelers belonged in and a bright red beam flashed from the pokéballs and went toward the Gravelers.

“That Bronzor is really something special!” thought James.

Bronzor started to head for the forest when Spencer said “Bronzor, me and James will be back and when we do we will want a rematch!” Bronzor grinned slightly and continued toward the forest.

“Spencer, we have to take our Gravelers to the Pokémon Center and quick too.” said James.

“But the Pokémon Center is a mile away!” said Spencer.

“This is the road toward the Pokémon Center.” said James as he was pointing toward a long, narrow road.

“We have to run.” said Spencer. Spencer and James started running toward the Pokémon Center.

“How far have we ran?” said Spencer.

“Were almost there.” said James. Spencer and James continued to run and when they ran up a huge hill they saw the Pokémon Center in the distance.

“We made it!” yelled Spencer. Spencer and James decided to walk the rest of the way toward the Pokémon Center.

“That Bronzor really is something special.” said James. While walking toward the Pokémon Center Spencer and James were both pretty down on getting beat by a Bronzor when Bronzor was double teamed. When they walked into the Pokémon Center they were greeted by Nurse Joy. Nurse Joy was wearing a white cloak and had pink hair and blue eyes.

“How can I help you guys?” said Nurse Joy.

“Me and my buddy Spencer need to heal our Gravelers.” explained James.

“OK, I’ll get on that right away!” said Nurse Joy. Spencer and James handed their pokéballs to Nurse Joy.

“They should be ready in the morning, in the mean time you guys can spend the night here.” explained Nurse Joy.

“Sure, we would be delighted if we can stay here.” said Spencer. While Nurse Joy went to get some blankets for James and Spencer, Spencer and James got ready to go to sleep on the Pokémon Center couches.

“Here you are.” said Nurse Joy as she handed Spencer and James two blankets each. When Nurse Joy left she turned off all the lights in the Pokémon Center and went inside a room. Both Spencer and James went asleep right away and both were lost in their dreams.

“James, wake up!” yelled Spencer.

“What happened?” said James while he was rubbing his eyes.

“Our Gravelers have been stolen!” said Spencer.

“What? How?” said James.

“I don’t know, but our Pokéballs are gone and Nurse Joy is also gone.” explained Spencer.

“We have to go out and look for them!” said James. James and Spencer both got ready to go when they heard this loud explosion coming from the woods outside of the Pokémon Center.

“We should go check this out.” said Spencer. Spencer and James both headed out the Pokémon Center and toward the explosion.

“That explosion was very loud.” said James.

“That might have been one of our Gravelers exploding!” yelled Spencer. When they got there they saw Spencer’s Graveler fainted from doing a self-destruct.

“My Graveler!” yelled Spencer. Spencer went to his Graveler and hugged it like if he hadn’t seen it in years.

“Who are they!” said James while pointing toward Nurse Joy being tied up and two men with green shirts and dark, green pants.

“We are Team Emerald!” said the grunts.

“We steal Pokémon for our boss and we will use them one day to take over the world!” explained the one of the grunts.

“Give me back my Graveler and Nurse Joy!” yelled James.

“Why should we give you back your Graveler?” said one of the grunts. Just as the grunt finished saying this Bronzor came from out of the forest and came right in front of the grunts.

“A Bronzor, eh?” said a grunt.

“Bronzer, you have come to help us.” said James.

“If you are helping them then I shall stop you!” said a grunt as he threw a pokéball. When the pokéball hit the ground a blinding white light came out of the pokéball and a purple snake emerged from the light.

“Let’s see how you will do against my Ekans!” said the grunt. Bronzor had a slight grin on his face when he saw Ekans. “Ekans use your wrap on that Bronzor!” said the grunt. Ekans started its move toward Bronzor slithering as fast as it could and getting its tail in position to grapple Bronzor. Bronzor did an iron Defense and stood still. Ekans used its wrap on Bronzor but Bronzor didn’t seem worried at all. Bronzor then did a faint attack by disappearing from Ekans’ grip and attacking it with a powerful blow.

“Wow, that was very quick for a Bronzor!” said a grunt.

“Ekans, use a tackle attack!” yelled the other grunt. Ekans listened to the grunts commands and headed toward Bronzor with his head in ready position to hit Bronzor with a tackle. At the last minute Bronzor did a Faint attack and disappeared from where he was at, Ekans stumbled and Bronzor came from out of nowhere and hit Ekans with another powerful faint attack. Ekans fainted right as he got hit by that faint attack.

“Ekans return!” yelled the grunt. Both of the grunts were in shock of how Ekans got manhandled, while Spencer and James knew how powerful Bronzor was they were not surprised that Bronzor won easily.

“What do you say you give me back my Graveler?” said James to both of the grunts.

“This is the time when we run away!” said the grunts as they started to run deeper into the forest.

“Bronzor, they are getting away!” said James and Spencer as they started to chase the grunts. Bronzor just stood there with a grin on his face and disappeared.

“Where did Bronzor go?” said Spencer. Seconds later the grunts were hit by a powerful faint attack from Bronzor that James’ pokéball that contained Graveler poped out of the grunts hands and landed right into James’ hands. The grunts saw that the pokéball wasn’t in their hands anymore so they kept on running but this time Bronzor, James, and Spencer did not chase after them.

“Bronzor, I must thank you for helping me and James save our Gravelers!” said Spencer. Bronzor smiled and jumped up and down like if it wanted to tell James something.

“What? Would you like to come with me on my journey, Bronzor?” said James. Bronzor nodded and waited for James to send out his Graveler.

“First, let’s have a battle, Bronzor!” said James. James threw his pokéball and Graveler emerged from the pokéball. Bronzor grinned and waited for Graveler to make his move. Graveler did a quick rollout and went rolling at full speed toward Bronzor. Bronzor got hit by Graveler’s rollout and it looked as if Bronzor is worn out from doing all those faint attacks to the grunt’s Ekans.

“Bronzor, do another rollout and this time faster and stronger!” yelled James. Graveler got into his rollout form and started rolling toward Bronzor. Bronzor was amazed at how Graveler was moving and by still being worn out from doing so many faint attacks, Graveler hit Bronzor with full power and Bronzor fainted right away. James saw the opportunity to capture it and threw a pokéball toward Bronzor. The pokéball hit Bronzor and Bronzor went inside the pokéball and it started to roll once, twice, three times until it was still.

“I caught my very first Pokémon!” yelled James while grabbing the pokéball in which Bronzor was in.

“Nice job James!” said Spencer.

“Thanks!” said James.
James and Spencer continued on and when they were about a mile away from where they met with the grunts Spencer said “I think we are forgetting something.”

Spencer and James stopped for a minute and thought. “Nurse Joy!”

03-16-2008, 11:17 PM
Introduction: This starts off in such a flat manner. A kid goes to have his Pokemon healed at the Center. You tried to fit all of his descriptions into two sentences, when an accurate depiction should be told throughout the whole story, not like in a Role Play sign-up like we see here.

We get utterly no background on the characters or what they were doing before the tale initially began. What is his life like? His personality? His past? We need to know everything.

Story/Plot: James goes to heal his Pokemon at a Pokemon Center, then ventures out into the wild for no apparent reason. When he gets there, his rival, Spencer approaches him and they battle their two Gravelers. In the midst of the fight, a strange Bronzor appears out of nowhere and starts to fight the Gravelers. It runs off into the woods and the two boys return to get their Pokemon healed. They spend the night, wake up in the middle of the night to hear a big explosion, and run out to find Team Emerald kidnapping their Pokemon and Nurse Joy. The Bronzor appears once more, battles the bad guys, and causes them to run away before turning to James to capture it.

It was very bland, to be honest. You never, ever, ever, ever want your story to be about a Pokemon appearing out of nowhere that wants to be captured by a trainer. Also, avoid rival stories; they are very, very cliché.

I am not sure that this would be sufficient for even a Pokemon of the Easiest category, for the plot has been overdone so much. An evil organization that kidnaps Pokemon for their boss? Now come on; can’t you be at least a little more original than that?

Also, your characters were like cardboard. They had absolutely no depth, and they just seemed plastered on… not really painted into the plot. They didn’t really have an impact on the tale in the least….. James and Spencer were just…. There.

Grammar/Spelling: This was atrocious. I found an error in virtually every other sentence, and you never want that to happen, ever.

James a short, bright 13 year old boy was wearing a bandanna, a red shirt and blue pants.

Wow. Right off the bat, in the very first sentence, we have quite a few errors. You need a comma after (James) as well as after (boy) and after (shirt). Also, all numbers under 100 need to be spelled out, so 13 would be (thirteen). And you should connect thirteen, year, and old with dashes between each word, so that it would look like this: (thirteen-year-old).

James walked up to the cashier and asked the cashier if they had pokéballs in stock.

There is no need to repeat (the cashier) twice, so you could have just inserted (him) or (her). Also, Pokéballs needs to be capitalized.

“That’ll be five thousand dollars” said the cashier.

There needs to be a comma after (dollars) inside the quotation marks.

He threw the pokéball and when the pokéball hit the ground the pokéball opened up and a blinding white light came out of the pokéball.

Woah. Major Pokeball overload. The word appears four times in this single sentence…. A particular word shouldn’t be in a sentence more than once, and I can tell you really need a lesson on using pronouns, like (it) for example. :P

“Wow, this will be interesting” thought James.

If James was thinking the sentence, why would it be put between quotation marks? You should lose the quotation marks and make the entire thought italicized.

Spencer’s Graveler couldn’t dodge the rollout since James’ Graveler came to fast at him.

(to) should be (too) in this sentence, since you are using it in a comparative way.

Length: You barely scraped by with the minimal amount. You always want to have a significant amount of characters over the minimum just to make sure that length will not be an issue. Since it technically is: Quality > Quantity, I wouldn’t be so hard on you, but the thing is… You were lacking both.

Detail/Description: This was….uhhhh…. Not good…. At all. I am not trying to be mean or over-exaggerating when I say that you had none. There were absolutely no visual details to the Pokemon, surroundings, attacks, and characters for the most part.

I noticed that you did try to describe your characters, but it was done in such a way that made it seem like you just threw it in there to get it over with. You never want to just list their attributes in a couple block sentences and then be done with it…. You want to depict them in a more subtle way and work the adjectives and such into their actions.

I could not see the Pokemons’ attacks whatsoever. It was as though you simply said that the Pokemon performed the move and then moved on…. Not telling about it even in the slightest way. You want the character to get a full view of the way you are telling the story, otherwise they will either imagine something completely different or nothing at all, which would result in an automatically-failed story.

Battle: Although your battles took up the majority of the story, I cannot say that this was any better than any of the other sections.

Each of the Pokemon only use one battle each, when they should be using a variety of attacks. Yes, I get that Bronzor can use Faint Attack to avoid being hit, but seeing it over and over makes for a very tedious and boring battle, and I found myself drifting off throughout the whole thing. This goes the same for the Graveler…. They know more than just Rollout, exhibit all of their attacks, not just one over and over.

All of the battles were extremely one-sided as well. The first and second were both just dominated by the Bronzor, and none of the opposing Pokemon got even one hit on it. They are not that great of a species that they can evade each and every attack.

Also, I know that you tried to say that having conjured up all those Faint Attacks made the Bronzor sluggish in the final battle, but still, it should have been that one-sided with the Graveler. =/

Finally, I couldn’t see any of the attacks…. Although I told you about that in the previous segment.

Outcome: I’m sorry, but you failed in every category other than Length. This wasn’t near good enough for a Medium Pokemon, and I am not even sure that I would pass it for a Caterpie. You really need to work on describing scenes as well as your Grammar… Which is a must! Bronzor Not Captured!. Unless you totally revamp everything, including the plot, I would not advise asking for a regrade.