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Crystal Pikachu
03-04-2008, 08:18 PM
Yeah, you're average trainer journey. :P With twists and turn unknown to the imagination. :wink:

Pokémon to Capture: , Pichu, Oddish, Zubat, Snorunt, Eevee, Gible, Ralts, Vulpix, Mankey, Poliwag, Growlithe, Houndour, Treeko. Smoochum, Poochyena, Taillow, Pidgey, Caterpie, Wurmple, Magikarp.
Pokémon Captured Already: Azurill, Captured on the 8th of March |
# of CH. needed: 120k

Yeah, this will be going on for awhile. =D I'm planning to have this done by sometime... err... May-July-ish.

Crystal Pikachu
03-06-2008, 06:09 PM
Chapter 1 -- Milk Carton Mayhem!

It was a cold day, anyone in the entire world would agree, the clouds were like big puffs of smoke in the sky, it was just a horrible day out, no one was outside, it was a like a ghost town. A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily, he had light sienna coloured hair, it was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it, Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time, it was a small, not very lively sort of town. The houses were all alike and not a single sea green leaf was out of its place. Timmy wasn’t very happy living there; he had always wanted to go out on an adventure with his friends when he made some. Being nine years of age has its advantages, like being able to fool someone easier and such, but it also has some restrictions, like food and the usage of television. Timmy usually wore a soft, deep sky blue coloured pair of jeans, they had small little tight spots here and there, as well as a few rips, but they were fine and dandy like sour candy. He also wore a pair of dark, black and white decorated sneakers, along with a white top, with little decorated pieces around the shoulders. Timmy was someone you could trust, never letting anyone down when he put his mind to it. Timmy lived in the small, cube shaped house south of the bushy green trees. It had a dark coloured brown roof, with really bright patches of brown too. The walls of the house were a creamy pale white colour.

One day, Timmy was in his room, he was on a twirling chair, like the ones you get in computer offices and such. You could hear him laughing and shouting out crazy things on that chair. It was a bright grey colour, sort of like smoke except not dark. Timmy knew he should have been doing his homework at the time, as it was the last day of school before he was allowed to go on his journey. But if he didn’t do his homework, he wouldn’t be allowed. There was trouble, it was nine fifty two at night and he hadn’t it done. Knowing he had to go to bed at half ten, he would’ve have to rush his homework. The chair was swirling and twirling continuously, it was going very fast too. Timmy’s bright, royal blue eyes started to look weird, and of course, it was because he was getting dizzy.

“Timmy!” His mother screeched, she was wearing her dark pink dress and her clean white, frilly apron. She had pale skin, and a lot of wrinkles that you wouldn’t be able to count.

Her hair was short and an old, brown like coloured hair. Though you really couldn’t tell, since the amount of grey streaks flowing through it was unbelievable.

“What!” Timmy screeched, being very concerned about his mothers shouting, “It is world war three? Get to the bomb shelter! Quick!” He added loudly.

“No, dear, shut up, sweetie. I can see you left you’re milk on the sink, and its all soggy and lumpy, now go down to the mart and throw it out.” She said, after a lava-flow of strict words came out of her mouth.

“Why can’t I just throw it in the bin? It’s only in the kitchen.” Timmy said, trying to counter her smartly.

“Only! Only!” She said, losing her temper and going red, “You’ve filled up the bin, now go to the mart, and get me some new milk! Chop Chop!” She screamed at him, she then sighed and walked out of the bedroom, small tears ran down Timmy’s face, his mother had never been that angry at him before, he was very worried.

He hopped of his lovely friend of a chair and skipped downstairs. He peered into the living room, and seeing his mom sob. The amount of money spent on all the high-quality furniture would make someone sob like this, but Timmy knew that’s not what was wrong with her. The walls were a bright yellow colour, and the carpet was a royal red and gold colour.

“Mom?” Timmy whispered gently, trying to calm his mom down.

“Yeah?” His mom replied, lifting her head up off of her knees, “What’s wrong, dear?” She said, her voice sweetened to a much softer and gentler tone, making Timmy feel more comfortable around her. He wrapped his small arms around her neck and came closer to her, hugging her gently and making her feel better.

“Well, you’re sad, why?” Timmy said softly, trying to talk to his mother.

“Well, because I love shouting and screaming at you and barking orders, and the reason I was so harsh was that it was probably going to be one of the last times I can do that, if you pass, that is.” She said, finishing with a small chuckle in her voice.

“Oh… Uh… Okay!” Timmy said, sort of confused, hoping that it would be something more serious than that. But he added a happy tone to his voice when he was finished, which was good enough for his mother.

Timmy then ran out of the living room and up his navy coloured carpeted stairs, with shiny brown banisters. He pushed open his door happily and ran inside back to his chair, he swung around continuously on it again, until he stopped to think.

“Should I be doing my homework?” He asked himself, with his tone of voice dropping slowly and gently.

“Yeah, I will! I will do my homework!” He shouted in relief, sounding like a hero or something.

He and his chair slid over to the light beech coloured desk, and took out a page of white paper. He picked up a shiny, black, long fountain pen, it had slate blue coloured ink inside of it, and his spidery handwriting ran like a marathon across the page. Fifteen minutes had passed of it, he had almost finished the white sheet of paper, a couple of seconds later, viola! It was done; the page was filled with neat, yet spidery handwriting. Timmy had to write an essay about what he’d do on his adventures. He pushed the paper aside, and pulled over a black, oval shaped item from underneath the desk, it was his schoolbag, it was a really dark black colour, with small pockets and designed places everywhere. He zipped it open and put the piece of paper in, putting it neatly along with his other, big, fat, informative books.

He was about to get up off his chair and into his long, white and green bed, when something caught his eye, it was the alarm clock, instead of saying something like half ten as he would have expected, it said twelve forty-nine.

“Oh man! I’m never going to be up in time tomorrow.” Timmy said worriedly at the top of his voice.

He hopped over to his bed, and took off his t-shirt, and pulled the covers on his. He was all ready to go asleep. He clicked his fingers and the lights went off. Slowly, his eyes shut and his face disappeared into the darkness of the bedroom.

The Next Morning -

Timmy woke up, he stretched his lightly tanned arms in the air, and to make sure he was awake, then hopped out of bed. He looked around, trying to remember where his alarm clock was, when he spotted it. He squinted his eyes a little and read the red, pixel-like letters; they read seven forty in the morning, which was thankfully forty minutes before school started. Timmy ran over to a pale, white wardrobe and tuck out a navy coloured shirt with a black, tick-like logo in the centre of the shirt. He put it on his, covering up his hair-less, tanned chest. He stuck it on and took his black, rubbish bin of school bag and put it on his back.

Timmy ran towards his forest green coloured door and slammed it open, and ran downstairs. He was just about to run out the door when his mother called him.

“Remember, milk from the mart!” His mom said loudly, making sure he heard.

“Yeah, milk, got it!” He said back ignorantly, just replying positively to keep his mom happy.

“Oh, and do you have clean underwear?” His mom said, embarrassing him, typical mothers.

“Mom!” He grunted, chuckling loudly.

There was a light breeze; it ruffled Timmy’s long, chocolate-like hair. He held his head up high as he ran out the door, through the small fields in Littleroot town, into the dangers of Route one. He ran along as if he had nothing to fear or worry about, he was literally in heaven. Timmy was starting to daydream as he ran, hopping constantly over bright blue puddles, and big dark chocolate coloured mud holes. His daydream began;

Ah, this is the life, the wind in my face, the breeze on my hair, I feel like I'm one with myself at the moment, and no mom to ruin it, or no teacher or nothing! And to think, if I get into school in time, and hand in my papers, and I get a passing grade, I'll be on my way to the rest Hoenn, baby! Oh Yeah. --

He stopped daydreaming for a second, as he was about to bash into something, the lush green grass, the bright green bushes and the colourful trees all around him made him feel woozy for a second, but then he snapped out of it.



“Ah!” Timmy screeched, he sounded like a girl for a second, he was about to run into the mart window, when a blue blur flew past him, he dropped his black, heavy school bag and fell down, he felt weird for a second.

“Wha- what was that?” He asked himself curiously, being really confused.

Timmy got up and gasped, not knowing what or who had just flung past him. He ran into the Pokémart, it had crystal blue window, along with a dark blue roof and a pure white body. It was a cube shape. He ran in and looked all around, the song “I can’t live, if living is without you, I can’t live, I can’t live anymore!” was playing inside of his mind. The shelves were filled to the brim with supplies and merchandise of all colours and sizes, he spotted the milk on a small shelf, it was a pale creamy colour with a red text that said “Pokémilk”.

Timmy walked over to the counter; it was a lady who looked about thirty-five. She had long black hair, along with gold, small, stud earrings. She had pale white, smooth skin. She was wearing a slate grey coloured shirt along with a bright green skirt and she was wearing silver sandals, they had a small wire-like thing between her big toe.

“One Milk please!” Timmy said without hesitation, trying to sound like a robot or something.

“Sure, here you go, kid, have fun with it.” The cashier said happily, with a large, round smile on her pretty face.

“I will!” Timmy shouted back, as he was just outside the door. It was like a never-ending journey, he was afraid something might happen to the milk, but he was confident in getting it home safely, so that was what he was going to do.

Timmy had always loved Pokémon, and he had one himself, but he barely ever brought it with him, he lets it roam around Litteroot town, it’s a Cubone. He loves it, but he doesn’t believe in it enough to let it battle and set out on a journey with him.

Timmy started walking through the grass, one step at a time; a small crunching sound was made anytime he stepped down in the grass. He then started to run, he did so for a couple of minutes, when he entered Litteroot town. He ran towards his house, when the blue blur came in front of him again.

“Ah!” Timmy shouted loudly.

It was an Azurill, it had a cute, small little face and body, it was the image of a small mouse with bob on it’s lighting bolt shape of a tail. It had a blue body.

Timmy trembled, as the Azurill looked like it wanted to battle or something. Timmy was slightly scared, he didn’t have any Pokémon with him, and his only hope was Cubone; the skull head warrior. Timmy heard a slight ringing in his air, it was saying something like ‘Nya! Nya!’ Timmy knew who it was.

Cubone came dashing out of a dark green, spiky bush. It had a skull shaped head, and tough, black eyes. It had a human shaped brown body, and a rough boomerang like bone in its hand. The battle was on.

“Cubone, use Tackle!” Timmy shouted happily, hopping gently up and down on the spot.

Cubone put his bone in his left, small paw-like hand and ran towards the small mouse, he hit it with his fist, by punching it around the side. Azurill bounced over slightly, but used it tail to hop back up, it was balancing on its tail, when it used Bubble.

Small Bubbles popped one by one out of the water rodents mouth, they fired quickly at Cubone, but it endured them by putting his head towards them, walking and pushing against them, when they stopped.

“Cubone, hit it with you’re club!”

Cubone ran over to Azurill with his two hands at the end of his rough club, he thumped Azurill harshly on the head. Azurill fell over unconscious for a minute. It had a small purple bruise on its head. Cubone ran over to see if it was knocked out, when Azurill popped up and head butted Cubone right in the skull, Azurill made the wrong move. Cubone’s head is extremely hard and tough, and something like that wouldn’t hurt him. Azurill nearly fainted, it was like having a dozen thumps on the head.

But it stayed strong. Azurill was nearly down, but then a sudden screech came out.

“Let’s finish this off with a tackle attack!” Timmy screeched, with no hesitation whatsoever.

Cubone ran over, with his shoulder aiming at the bob-tailed creature, he then slammed into Azurill, Azurill went tumbling and bouncing over towards a fluffy bush, where it fainted.

“Alright!” Timmy shouted joyfully.

Timmy then grasped a red and white orb from his pocket, he took it out and threw it, it spiralled in the air, dropping down slowly towards the fainted Azurill, it hit Azurill, then a crimson red beam of light came and absorbed Azurill into the Pokéball.

One, two, three…

Was it caught?







done! :P

Pokémon going for: Azurill
CH # needed: 5k +
CH # have: 13, 167

[Ready for grading! :3]

EmBreon
03-08-2008, 08:03 AM
And...here you go.

Story/Plot: This was nice and basic. As odd as it may sound, I actually liked the simplicity of this story. You didn’t try to make it bizarre or unusual, and to be honest, I think it worked a bit to your advantage. The fact that your main character was plain and ordinary ironically made this story out of the ordinary, because of the fact that writers tend to choose to make their characters bulked up power-houses that never lose. :P

The plot itself (what the story was wrapped around) was that Timmy let the milk go bad and his mother sent him to the store to get some more. This…was a bit bland. The concept is somewhat heartwarming to me, but I could see you making this a little more ‘exciting’ I guess. Perhaps have some kind of side problem that Timmy runs into on the way to the Mart. This is just my opinion, which is what all grades are as you are the writer, but any kind of ‘spice’ or twist or detour in the initial plot could have made this story a much better read.

I’ll try not to confuse anymore by saying that you need to add more amusement to your story while saying I like the dullness of it at the same time, because I am beginning to confuse myself as well. :sweat: For a Simple Pokémon, this is perfectly fine, but once you start writing for those in a higher level, cute and simple plots like these won’t go over well. Just something to keep in mind…

Grammar/Spelling: It is uncanny that you are this educated with grammar at your age, but there were still a good amount of issues in this section. Your spelling is excellent and obviously this was checked through Word, so I high-five you with that one. Couple of things though:

First and…well…first:

A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily, he had light sienna coloured hair, it was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it, Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time, it was a small, not very lively sort of town.

There were a lot of sentences like this. :oops: This fun, but bad chunk of text here is called a run-on sentence, or more specifically, a comma splice. Basically, you’ve got several different independent clauses here, and you can’t simply connect them with commas. You could separate this by using periods, semicolons, or conjunctions such as ‘and’; it doesn’t matter, as long as they are separated.

For example:

With periods-
A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily. He had light sienna coloured hair. It was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it. Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time. It was a small, not very lively sort of town.

With semicolons-
A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily. He had light sienna coloured hair; it was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it. Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time; it was a small, not very lively sort of town.

Or however you see fit.

The only other thing I’ll point out is a common error with dialogue:

“Sure, here you go, kid, have fun with it.” The cashier said happily, with a large, round smile on her pretty face.

When following a quote with a descriptive phrase that includes '<person> said…', or 'asked' or 'replied' or anything that relates to how they spoke the dialogue, then the period turns into a comma and the improper noun is lower cased. Like this:

“Sure, here you go, kid, have fun with it,” the cashier said happily, with a large, round smile on her pretty face.

The reasoning behind this that a person can’t just say. What did they say? And so, you would connect the dependent clause to the quote, turning it into a complete sentence. Dialogue that ends with a exclamation or question mark won’t turn into a comma, but the phrase after will still begin with a lower cased letter if it is not the person’s name.

And I’ll stop going into details here; I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and I don’t want to overload you with boring grammar rules. @_@

Detail/Description: I think the amount you’ve used in this story was perfect for a Simple category. You described your character and a good amount of the scenery, and the non-visual descriptions were very nice as well. I honestly don’t have any negativity for this section because I’m grading this story how I would any Simple story, and Simple stories don’t need outstanding and flawless detail. Everything was explained straightforward and to the point, and it was perfectly acceptable for an Azurill.

Good Job.

Length: I included this category simply for kicks.

Battle: This made me a little sad. What did Azurill do? I kind of think that you character counted your story before this battle and realized you were above the limit, and decided to rush it to get it done. :P

After a few short paragraphs, Cubone practically only used one attack and the water mouse hurt itself by trying to head butt its opponent. That is extremely one-sided, and the very thing that Graders do not want to see happen in a battle. In the future, try to make the battle as fun and original as you possibly can. Just about every URPG story ends in a battle; think about how much a unique battle ending would make your story stand out and more interesting to read.

Outcome: It is for an Azurill, and I think this story fits it nicely. Azurill captured! Have fun with your Water type.

Crystal Pikachu
03-08-2008, 08:25 AM
And...here you go.

Story/Plot: This was nice and basic. As odd as it may sound, I actually liked the simplicity of this story. You didn’t try to make it bizarre or unusual, and to be honest, I think it worked a bit to your advantage. The fact that your main character was plain and ordinary ironically made this story out of the ordinary, because of the fact that writers tend to choose to make their characters bulked up power-houses that never lose. :P

The plot itself (what the story was wrapped around) was that Timmy let the milk go bad and his mother sent him to the store to get some more. This…was a bit bland. The concept is somewhat heartwarming to me, but I could see you making this a little more ‘exciting’ I guess. Perhaps have some kind of side problem that Timmy runs into on the way to the Mart. This is just my opinion, which is what all grades are as you are the writer, but any kind of ‘spice’ or twist or detour in the initial plot could have made this story a much better read.

I’ll try not to confuse anymore by saying that you need to add more amusement to your story while saying I like the dullness of it at the same time, because I am beginning to confuse myself as well. :sweat: For a Simple Pokémon, this is perfectly fine, but once you start writing for those in a higher level, cute and simple plots like these won’t go over well. Just something to keep in mind…

Grammar/Spelling: It is uncanny that you are this educated with grammar at your age, but there were still a good amount of issues in this section. Your spelling is excellent and obviously this was checked through Word, so I high-five you with that one. Couple of things though:

First and…well…first:



There were a lot of sentences like this. :oops: This fun, but bad chunk of text here is called a run-on sentence, or more specifically, a comma splice. Basically, you’ve got several different independent clauses here, and you can’t simply connect them with commas. You could separate this by using periods, semicolons, or conjunctions such as ‘and’; it doesn’t matter, as long as they are separated.

For example:

With periods-
A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily. He had light sienna coloured hair. It was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it. Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time. It was a small, not very lively sort of town.

With semicolons-
A young boy named Timmy was hopping along happily. He had light sienna coloured hair; it was usually spiked up and had tints and small streaks of blonde in it. Timmy was living in Littleroot town at the time; it was a small, not very lively sort of town.

Or however you see fit.

The only other thing I’ll point out is a common error with dialogue:


When following a quote with a descriptive phrase that includes '<person> said…', or 'asked' or 'replied' or anything that relates to how they spoke the dialogue, then the period turns into a comma and the improper noun is lower cased. Like this:

“Sure, here you go, kid, have fun with it,” the cashier said happily, with a large, round smile on her pretty face.

The reasoning behind this that a person can’t just say. What did they say? And so, you would connect the dependent clause to the quote, turning it into a complete sentence. Dialogue that ends with a exclamation or question mark won’t turn into a comma, but the phrase after will still begin with a lower cased letter if it is not the person’s name.

And I’ll stop going into details here; I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and I don’t want to overload you with boring grammar rules. @_@

Detail/Description: I think the amount you’ve used in this story was perfect for a Simple category. You described your character and a good amount of the scenery, and the non-visual descriptions were very nice as well. I honestly don’t have any negativity for this section because I’m grading this story how I would any Simple story, and Simple stories don’t need outstanding and flawless detail. Everything was explained straightforward and to the point, and it was perfectly acceptable for an Azurill.

Good Job.

Length: I included this category simply for kicks.

Battle: This made me a little sad. What did Azurill do? I kind of think that you character counted your story before this battle and realized you were above the limit, and decided to rush it to get it done. :P

After a few short paragraphs, Cubone practically only used practically one attack and the water mouse hurt itself by trying to head butt its opponent. That is extremely one-sided, and the very thing that Graders do not want to see happen in a battle. In the future, try to make the battle as fun and original as you possibly can. Just about every URPG story ends in a battle; think about how much a unique battle ending would make your story stand out and more interesting to read.

Outcome: It is for an Azurill, and I think this story fits it nicely. Azurill captured! Have fun with your Water type.

Thanks for teh Azurill. <33

I'm sorry about the battle, I was in the middle of it when I went over the limit, and I wasn't sure if Azurill would put up much of a fight at all. :[

Crystal Pikachu
03-08-2008, 09:23 AM
Chapter 2 -- Oh no you didn't!

The Pokéball beeped, it rolled side to side continuously, until it stopped. The button shaped circle in the middle of it beeped and a red glow came over it, and then it stopped. The Pokémon had been captured.

“Uh… Hurray?” Timmy said, pausing with a small choke.

Timmy was proud that he finally caught a Pokémon, it wasn’t exactly very strong, or a very intelligent Pokémon. But he knew Azurill’s evolutions were much stronger and would be a lot more useful when he goes on his journey.

“Alright, time to show mom!” Timmy grunted cheerfully.

Timmy walked slowly over to his house; he took a deep breath, and pushed open the wooden, brown door. He jumped in with the small orb in his hand. He looked around, only seeing his living room and kitchen, and no mom. The kitchen looked like it had crystal blue tiles and presses, but it was really just the window in the kitchen roof that reflected down on them. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but there were small, round, dirty black footprints of some kind all over the floor. They led over to upstairs.

“Help! It’s mad man!” Someone screamed from upstairs, at the top of their shrill voice. Timmy knew it was his mom, it sounded like something was wrong. Timmy walked over to the soft, carpeted stairs and tiptoed up, acting like a spy of some sort. He didn’t go up the stairs all the way, in case a mad man really was there, so he just peered his head over the top step and looked around. He saw his mom wearing her pink, old dress. She was standing up to a coat rack, her legs were around the body of it, and her hands were holding

Not done. :]

Pokémon going for: Magikarp
CH # have: dunno
CH # need: 5k