View Full Version : My First Mishap

Beartic Tundra
03-05-2008, 02:26 AM
Spike Yokino was walking through the forest on his way to Vermilion City, when he got a great idea. He decided he was going to catch a Pokémon. Since he had just entered the forest, he had quite a bit of time to catch a Pokémon. So he set off toward the heart of the forest. But as he placed his foot down in the shade of a tree, he was swept up into the air. Looking around, he noticed that someone had set up a net to catch a Pokémon.

A bug catcher walked out from the trees on the other side of the path, chuckling to himself. “Well seems like we caught another new trainer. Don’t worry son, you are not the first to do that,” he said helping Spike down. Spike accepted the help, and was glad to be back on his feet. He saw something glinting in the light and looked down. In all of the confusion, he had dropped his poke ball. The bug catcher snatched it up and handed it to him. “My name is Will, by the way. If you need any help, just give me a call. I help out new trainers like you all the time. Always getting lost in the forest and needing help,” he said handing Spike a slip of paper and walking away.

Glancing down at the piece of paper in his hand, Spike noticed it was more of a business card. He put it in his back pocket and looked at the poke ball in his hand. He thought he heard a buzzing and held it up to his ear. But the buzzing wasn’t coming from his poke ball. Spike could not tell where it was coming from. Just then, a horde of Beedrill rushed toward him from behind. He took off running, but got his foot stuck on a root sticking out of the ground. His poke ball went flying from his hands as he hit the ground hard. The Beedrill flew past him and on deeper into the forest.

Spike stood up and retrieved his poke ball. “I want a Weedle. Then I can evolve it into a Beedrill,” he said to himself. Thus making up his mind, he set forth on his journey to find a Weedle. After searching for another fifteen minutes, Spike got tired. He found a small clearing and sat down on a stump. Letting Elekid out, they sat and had a lunch there. After eating, he decided to let Elekid play for a bit. It was always funny to see Elekid run around inspecting every little thing.

All of a sudden Elekid started crying and ran over to Spike. Looking down at Elekid’s arm, Spike knew he had been hit with a poison sting. Putting an antidote on Elekid’s arm, Spike walked over to where he was attacked. But, to his despair, there was nothing but an empty nest. He heard a cry from behind, and he quickly whipped about. Standing there was Elekid, but Spike could see nothing else. Elekid seemed very tense, so Spike stepped to the side. Sitting there on the stump where he previously sat was a Weedle.

Elekid looked ready to take on the Weedle, but Spike would not let him attack yet. The Weedle just sat there staring at Elekid and Spike. Finally, Spike turned to Elekid. “Go ahead and use you Quick Attack!” Spike shouted to him. Elekid had an evil smirk on his face as he rushed forward. But he stopped short of attacking the Weedle. Spike looked down and the Weedle had used String Shot on Elekid’s feet to lock him in place. “Elekid use Thundershock on the string,” Spike said. But he was a little too late with his command.

While Elekid was preoccupied with charging a Thundershock, the Weedle was rearing back for something. Elekid sensed this also and looked up. Just then, Weedle used String Shot to wrap Elekid completely, rendering him helpless. Spike desperately thought of something to do, but could think of nothing. Then the Weedle used Poison Sting and knocked Elekid back into a tree. Since the Poison Sting had freed Elekid of the String Shot, he stood up and glared at the Weedle.

Spike knew that using electric attacks on Weedle would have little effect so he thought of another move quickly. “Elekid use Low Kick,” he shouted across the clearing. Elekid charged forward then extended his leg toward the Weedle. Then to both Elekid and Spike’s surprise, the Weedle jumped off of the stump and landed near another tree. Elekid went crashing into the tree behind the stump, and lay there for a minute. Spike ran over and helped him up, then thought of the only other move that could work against this Pokémon.

Elekid charged toward the Weedle without warning, and tried to use Thunder Punch. Weedle easily jumped out of the way again, and then used another Poison Sting to knock Elekid against another tree. Spike ran over and leaned down to Elekid. “Okay. I can think of only one way to nail him. First use your Thundershock to make him dodge, and then hit him with a Swift. He will never see it coming,” he whispered into Elekid’s ear. Elekid nodded and stood up, preparing for the difficult task he had to do. He sent a Thundershock flying toward Weedle, which it obviously dodged.

But as the Weedle landed to try and make another strike on Elekid, it was knocked back by a Swift. Weedle slammed into a tree then slid to the ground. Spike threw a poke ball, hoping his first mistakes early in the battle would not ruin his chance to catch this Pokémon. Glancing at Elekid, he knew that if Weedle got away there was no way that Elekid could fight anymore. He turned and looked toward the poke ball, and waited to see what would happen.

Beartic Tundra
03-09-2008, 04:22 PM
Hello? Are there any graders out there?

04-12-2008, 09:39 AM
*grading this ASAP*

09-17-2010, 06:50 AM
You've waited like ffff SO LONG, and all but for a Weedle. :sad:

Story/Plot: Okay, quite random.

A trainer started appearing randomly and a random idea then popped into his mind as he decided to randomly capture a Pokemon. Then, a random person that appeared to randomly decide to help this character to capture a Pokemon. And just as randomly as well, a Weedle appeared out of the blue!

Aha, even so, I'm just going to excuse you since this was like your first story ever written (even though, last being graded) and since it is a Weedle after all. I think I don't have to repeat what I've said, since most of the points that I wanted to say are in the grade for your Medium-categorized Pokemon capture, since they are like 30 minutes apart now.

But meh, general advice. Such plots will usually only work for easy or simple category Pokemon. Whenever you aim for anything higher, it is important to abstain from such plot and think of creative ones instead. Even if you have to use such a plot for a medium category Pokemon, you had best include a very good twist to it otherwise graders will normally frown immediately. :sad:

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing worth mentioning again, except for the same mistake from the other story. pokeball -> Pokeball


Details/Description: Argh, it really feels weird grading two stories by the same author immediately after each. It is as if I continue to give comments on the second one, it looks like I am repeating myself instead. :|

K for this story basically, you didn't describe like almost everything. How does a Pokeball look like? How does an Antidote look like? How does a Elekid look like? How does a Quick Attack look like? AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

Even when writing for an easy mon, it doesn't mean that you can slack off on description. Obviously it shouldn't be as detailed as your other story, but there should at least be some form of simple, basic description. Like for instance, how did Weedle look like from a general point of view? A hairy bug with many tiny little feet? Or a slimy bug that looks like it connected its body by combining many different segmented bodies from different Weedles? Whatever it is, a simple and basic description that doesn't overwhelm the reader, but still providing him with a general understanding of how this certain Pokemon look like is definitely enough for a Pokemon like Weedle.

Battle: Like with your other story, this story basically had the same problems. Lack of description. I failed to see how exactly did String Shot look like. Although it was good with stuff like String Shot on the feet to stop the Quick Attack, it'd have seemed more real and exciting had you inserted some basic descriptions in it.

Either way, definitely two-sided, with a variety of attacks being used on both sides.

Outcome: Blah, this grade was kinda short, but if I did rambled on any longer, it'd just be repeating stuff that wasn't necessary at all since I had already mentioned it in the other story. Look back on the other if you want general advice, in which I posted like 10-20 minutes ago. :x

Remember though, you don't have to flood a Caterpie story with all kind of in-depth description or what not. What I am asking for is simply basic details, details that is short and sweet enough for a quick and easy read. Anyway, Weedle captured!

Have fun.