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Shana2488
03-05-2008, 02:19 AM
“The Game”

Pokemon Aiming For: Squirtle
Length: 26,443 (with spaces)

Cerulean City was always busy that time of year, especially the beach of the Cerulean Cape. People came from all over Kanto to see the cape which made life somewhat difficult for the residents that lived there. One of the most particular instances was the famous photographer and single mother: Larianna Garron. Thanks to her “Childhood Sweethearts” photograph collection that had made her self, her daughter, and her daughter’s “boyfriend” famous, a lot of strangers had been knocking on the woman’s door asking for autographs and wanting to visit. To their disappointment, she was not a public person. Larianna had chosen the two-story cottage on the Cerulean Cape for the simple reason that she wanted peace and quiet. If she had wanted to be bothered by hundreds of strangers, she would have moved to the city. Ironically enough, however, that was exactly where Larianna fled with her daughter, Shana, to escape the hordes of people: Cerulean City.

The Cerulean City Gym, of course, was also packed with new trainers that weekend. Everyone wanted to challenge the Gym Leader to earn their Cascade Badge. The Gym Leader, who loved his daughter very much, planned for her nanny to take her out among the city where she would not be recognized or, therefore, bothered. The child had a difficult time settling with her father’s decision: she wanted to watch his water Pokemon battle against other trainers’ Pokemon.

Out in the Cape, a Squirtle that was more of a sky blue color instead of the normal turquoise floated along on his back with his eyes closed. It was such a peaceful day outside: the only clouds in sight were the white, fluffy ones and those happy little clouds refused to cross the brilliant sun’s path. This meant that the waters were at their most gorgeous blue. There was no wind; the water was still and smooth. It was the perfect day for swimming. As the tiny turtle drifted lazily along to nowhere in particular, he felt his head bump in to something. When he opened his unusual, green eyes, they gazed up at the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen: a Marill.

The Marill seemed to give a flirtatious giggle before diving back into the blue waters. Squirtle shifted his body weight inside his shell towards the top so that he tilted head-first in to the ocean. From there, he swam after her. They flirted for what seemed like hours, but she wanted to tease him: the Marill hopped on to the land and ran off. Squirtle followed her all the way to Cerulean City.

“Here, honey, take this.”

The eight-year-old only blinked blankly at the camera her mother held before her. When the green eyes looked upwards, they saw her mother smiling sweetly.

“Go on,” Larianna encouraged, “don’t be shy.”

Shana returned her gaze to the camera and took it carefully. She slipped the strap around her tiny neck and let it go with ease. The camera itself dangled down around her stomach area. For an eight-year-old, Shana Garron was very petite. Her black hair mingled with her ivory skin gave her appearance very little color. The child certainly didn’t stand out in a crowd, but she didn’t seem to mind. It was her radiant, green eyes that added the flare to her bland exterior; the sky blue sundress that she wore helped to attract some attention, too.

“There. You look just like I did when I was little!”

The blank expression on Shana’s face made her mother giggle. They really did look just alike except Larianna’s eyes were a brilliant color of blue and her black hair curled into natural ringlets. The older woman’s skin was more fair, her cheeks were faintly flushed, and there was almost an angelic glow that made her seem so beautiful and colorful to Shana.

“Come on, sweetie, let’s go get something to eat.”

“Okay, mommy,” Shana smiled and took her mother’s offered hand.

The pair crossed the street towards a café together where they took their seats at a table outside. A very cute waiter smiled at Larianna and, as he took their order, managed to flirt a little. He wasn’t rejected, but he didn’t get a signal that this would continue, either. Larianna had very politely and subtly pointed out that she was with her daughter and that it would stay that way for a very long time. The young man seemed turned off by this and went to fetch their meal. Once he left, the mother turned her focus upon her daughter who, oblivious to the whole ordeal, was studying the camera lense her mother gave her.

“As long as we’re in town, I want you to take pictures of things that interest you. It can be a building, a Pokemon, or even a penny on the ground.”

“Okay.”

Shana tried to adjust something, staring straight in to the lense, as a group of people walked by, but her thumb slipped and pressed the button. The little girl’s head jerked upwards seconds after the flash blinded her. A fit of laughter erupted loudly beside her. Dazed by the bright lights that pulsed within her vision, she tried to see who was laughing at her. The figure gradually lowered towards the ground. After several more minutes of closing her eyes and reopening them, Shana’s attempts to actually [i]see became successful.

A red haired girl was squatted on the ground holding her sides in laughter. She appeared to be the same age as Shana wearing a pair of blue shorts, a white tank top, and a pair of sandals. She was almost boyish the way she looked which caused Shana to be a little intimidated by her. When the girl’s laughing died down, she stood up and wiped a few tears out of her blue-green eyes.

“That was the funniest thing I ever saw!”

Shana blinked.

“Thank…you?”

“You’re welcome,” she grinned. “My name’s Misty. What’s yours?”

“Shana.”

Misty opened her mouth to say something else, but the nanny took her hand and bowed respectfully to the pair sitting at the table.

“I’m very sorry if she disturbed you.”

“It’s all right,” Larianna chuckled, “they seem to get along just fine. Would you care to join us?”

“Oh, no, I’m afraid not, ma’am. We must really hurry on with the grocery shopping.”

“Psst,” Misty whispered to Shana, “meet me at the park in an hour, okay?”

Shana nodded. Neither one of them realized that Larianna and Misty’s nanny could hear them. The women glanced at each other questionably as if trying to arrange the meeting: they both nodded in agreement. One hour and the girls would be taken to the park.

(-o-)(-o-)(-o-)(-o-)

The park of Cerulean City was second-best in the nation of Kanto, surpassed only by the one in Celadon City to the Southwest. Cerulean, clear pools, ponds, and beautiful waterfalls made up most the park’s landscape. A lot of the citizens thought of it as the “Water Park of Kanto” rather than a normal park. Playgrounds made of wood were set up in shallow pools for children of all ages whereas the deeper swimming pools and huge waterslides had been created for teenagers and up. Misty was feeling very accomplished from the way she had given the nanny the slip; it had been such a sly little trick. Unknown to little Misty, the nanny truthfully had let Misty escape and secretly followed her to the edge of the park from where she could easily supervise the child.

Shana didn’t pull the same stunt; it wasn’t in her nature. Earlier that day after Misty had left the child politely asked her mother if she could go to the park in an hour. Larianna had raised her daughter to be very open and honest with her. When the child asked, her mother replied with “of course”. The time had come. Larianna took her seat on a bench out of plain sight of the girls where she could also keep an eye on them without their knowing while Shana timidly wandered in to the open area of the park. There were children of all ages running around playing and laughing under the direct supervision of their parents, babysitters, fathers, or, in one case, a huge Machoke. There were also lifeguards and “rangers” that overlooked any trouble.

As the green eyes scanned the huge park, they caught sight of an orange-haired girl waving her hands excitedly to capture her attention. Her lips pulled in to a shy smile at the sight of her new friend. Step by step, the little girl slowly made her way to the pool.

“Squirtle?” he called out.

He couldn’t find the Marill anywhere, but he knew he saw her run to the park. The tiny turtle was very careful not to let trainers see him in case they wanted to capture him. It didn’t look like there was anyone around except kids, but he could never be too careful. A look to the left was followed by a glance to the right which was fortunate for him: he barely dodged the red ball that flew towards him. A dive in to the pond to his right saved him from both a hard blow and the four-year-old that came running after it. From beneath the surface, the Squirtle waited until the child ran back the way he came before he poked his bald head out of the water. His green eyes surveyed the area for anyone else suspiciously, shifting back and forth. The second he realized the coast was clear, he propelled himself upwards with his hind legs and “jumped” out of the water on to the land. There was no time to lose! He hurried off in his previous direction in hopes of finding the flirtatious Marill.

He ran as fast as his stubby legs could carry him. The Squirtle didn’t get too far because he had to keep out of sight from passing humans and the forest-edge of the park was filled with adults overlooking their children. A quick dart underneath a table hid him from a pair of young mothers that were taking their daily jog. His eyes shifted again and he hurried along. As he was passing a hidden pathway just small enough for a Pokemon to get through, he glanced in to the clearing and skidded to a stop. The most gorgeous white wildflower he had ever seen was growing perfectly in the clearing beside a small pool. It would surely win the Marill’s heart if he could brave the open area to get it for her!

Squirtle padded through the naturally arched path towards the flower and stopped inches from the opening to the clearing. He heard giggles coming from the pool ahead. When he lowered his body to his “stomach”, the Squirtle managed to see a pair of little girls twirling their hands through the water. His eyes dropped to the flower: it was only two feet in to that clearing where the girls were sitting. If only he could gather enough courage…

“Misty, can we play a game? I’m bored.”

“Me, too.”

The orange-haired child perked up a little and smiled at her friend.

“I have an idea!”

“What is it?”

“We’re going to play a little game. Do you have a Pokeball?”

Shana nodded and removed a custom-made Pokeball that appeared to be very old from the pocket in her dress. It was skillfully crafted out of an Apricorn to resemble the modern-day Pokeball trainers used. The top half was painted sky blue while the bottom half was painted an ocean blue color. Instead of the usual round button design, it had that of a raindrop that usually represented Water-types. In an instant, Squirtle’s green eyes filled with the sight of that Pokeball. It was gorgeous! That was the perfect gift for Marill. He wasn’t the only one staring at it; Misty was admiring it also and seemed very impressed.

“Where did you get that one?”

“My mother gave it to me for my birthday this year. She said it’s been passed down through our family for centuries, but no one has ever used it before. I wanted to catch my first Pokemon in this Pokeball, but I want it to be a water Pokemon.”

“I want mine to be a water Pokemon, too! Cerulean City is full of them, you just have to find them.”

She took out a Pokeball from her shorts pocket and showed it to Shana with a grin.

“This is how the game goes, okay? We both have to capture a water Pokemon by the end of the day and we’ll meet back at the Cerulean City gym at sunset and then we’ll test them. Whoever has the strongest will win!”

“Okay!” Shana smiled.

“My dad will judge the match.”

“That’s okay with me since I’ll win!”

There was a confident grin on Shana’s face that pumped up Misty’s confidence, too.

“No you won’t! I’ve got talent with water Pokemon because my dad’s the gym leader! There’s no way you can beat me in a water Pokemon match!”

The little Garron girl seemed completely oblivious to everything her friend had said except one single fact; she tilted her head curiously.

“Your dad is the Cerulean City gym leader?”

Misty’s face went pale, her eyes widened, and she cupped a hand over her mouth as if trying to keep the words from coming out. Unfortunately, it was too late. Her friend knew who she was.

“Y-you can’t tell anyone! Promise you won’t tell!”

A second, confused tilt of her head expressed Shana’s lack of understanding about the situation. Nevertheless, the more she studied the orange-haired girl, the more she realized that this was very important to Misty. With a smile, her head tilted back to its normal position as she held up her hand and extended a pinky.

“I promise.”

The other girl seemed surprised by the pinky promise, but she locked her own pinky around Shana’s with a smile. The two friends now had a secret. Squirtle had a chance which he readied himself to seize, but the sound of a familiar giggle caught his attention. When he looked back, his eyes fell upon the gorgeous Marill. She gave him another coquettish wink and rushed towards him. A momentary glance downward gave Squirtle insight to what would happen and, as it did, it all went by in slow motion: Marill tripped over the rock he had seen and fell. Her round body rolled towards Squirtle too quickly for him to stop. His instinct kicked in and caused him to leap sidways in to the thicket that designed the archway just as she passed him. To both girls’ surprise, the Marill’s round body rolled upwards and dropped in to the pool in front of them. Her buoy was the only thing floating on the surface of the water for several seconds.

“Wh-what is that?” Shana’s whispered from within Misty’s arms.

“I-I don’t know,” Misty replied and held on to her friend, paralyzed by fear.

The little mouse-like creature popped up from beneath the surface to take a breath. Her sudden emergence caused the girls to scream, but the commotion ceased. Squirtle, who was watching Marill protectively from within his hiding place, waited for the right moment to strike. It was Misty who first realized what Marill really was: a water Pokemon.

“It’s a water Pokemon! I’ll catch it!”

She let go of Shana and with a confident movement, she took a step towards the edge of the pool with her Pokeball in hand. A smirk was planted on her face. There was no way she would lose her own game! Shana stood back to watch out of respect for a fellow trainer. Just as Misty drew back her arm to throw the Pokeball, Squirtle jumped from the bushes and sprayed her with a Water Gun. The jet of water was powerful enough to knock her off balance and then tip her backwards to collide with Shana; both girls fell over via the domino effect. Marill only bobbed there until Squirtle rushed to the edge of the pool.

“Squirtle squirt squirtle!” he warned her.

Marill began to panic, but the tiny turtle’s “hand” was offered to help her. She reached up and took hold of it in order for him to help her out of the water. Misty sat up, rubbing her head, and looked up at the two Pokemon as they attempted to flee.

“Oh no! Shana, they’re getting away!”

“Misty, I—“

“Come on!” she pressured.

There was no time wasted as Misty stood up, jerking Shana to her feet also, and the pair ran off after the Pokemon. They caught up to them rather easily due to their longer legs and neither of them had shells or tails, but the second Misty reached for Marill’s tail, both of them dived in to one of the deeper pools.

“Drat, they got away!”

Shana finally wandered up beside her friend to stare at their reflections in the blue water. Her camera didn’t appear to be hurt, but she was rubbing her head where the imprint of the lense had hit her while she had been running. In a huff, the sea-green eyes of the gym leader’s daughter switched over to her companion.

“Why didn’t you try to capture it?”

“I thought you wanted it?”

“There isn’t a lot of wild water Pokemon on land, you know! If you want to win this game, you’ll have to try to catch a water Pokemon before I do!”

Shana only continued to rub her head.

“I don’t want that Marill, though. If you want it, you catch it, Misty.”

“You don’t play very many games do you?”

Under the skeptical, perked brow of the orange-haired girl, the petite, black-haired child only shook her head as an answer. Misty sighed with exasperation, turned, and stormed off while muttering to herself. Shana stared down at the water for a while longer. Her eyes glanced upwards; they espied the Squirtle and Marill climbing out of the other side of the pool. She fumbled with her camera and, by the time, she held the lense up to her eye, it was focused on the two Pokemon: Marill was leaning in to Squirtle’s protective arms and both of them were looking at her. Click! The picture was taken.

“Hey, Misty,” Shana called as she lowered the camera to watch the two Pokemon running off, “they’re out of the pool now!”

In little time at all, her friend returned to her side. She reached up and pointed after the two little creatures taking off across the park.

“Let’s go!”

Shana2488
03-05-2008, 02:20 AM
Both of the girls ran around the pool to follow the Pokemon. Neither the nanny nor Larianna saw the children escape the park in to the huge city where the Pokemon led them. Down the main streets and through dark alleyways, the girls tracked the pair of water Pokemon. The chase took them past an electronic shop where several digital clocks told the time. Shana glanced at them as she passed by: it was 4 o’clock. She kept on running, however; there was no time to stop. Misty turned left on to another street and stopped. Her companion eventually caught up to her side once more, but this time, Shana doubled over with her hands on her knees and tried to catch her breath. She wasn’t used to this much running. The orange-haired girl wasn’t either; it showed through her panting as well.

“Wh-where did they…go?”

“I-I don’t know, Misty, but…I’m tired. Let’s go back to the…park.”

“I can’t. I have to catch th-that Marill!”

“Why…is that Marill so special?”

“Because…it’ll beat any Pokemon you…catch.”

Shana wanted to collapse to the ground and lay there against the cold concrete, but she was forced to follow after her friend who took off again. There was no way she’d be able to go back to the park without Misty: she was afraid to go by herself. And so, the chase continued on for a couple more hours with quite a few stops for breath between. The sun grumpily set; he was so tired of having to live shorter days when it was such beautiful weather. His rays transformed the blue sky into colorful streaks of gold, pink, and purple. Neither of the girls seemed to notice. They were too busy yelling at each other.

“If you had tried to catch that Marill like you should have, we wouldn’t be lost!”

“Don’t yell at me,” Shana snapped. “It’s your fault, anyway!”

“Why is it my fault?”

“Because you wanted that stupid Marill and if you had just let it go, this wouldn’t have happened!”

“Oh yeah, well you’re girly!”

“I’m not girly!” Shana hissed. “I play in mud, too!”

“What kind of girl plays in the mud and wears dresses?”

“I do!”

“Well that makes you weird!”

Tears stung at Shana’s eyes at the sound of being weird. She started to pout with a furious glare directed at her friend.

“I-I am not weird.”

“Yes you are!” Misty began feeling better. “You’re really weird!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are!”

From around the corner in an alleyway, Squirtle withdrew his head, leaned back against the wall, and released a heavy sigh of relief as he sank to the ground. Marill was sleeping on her side, curled up right next to him. They were both so tired. Escaping those girls had been a really tough challenge. He chuckled in his Squirtleish way to himself: the irony of the day amused him. Here he was running away with the Pokemon of his dreams and they were being pursued by a pair of children that were arguing. Marill had ended up in his arms after all.

His gaze dropped to her, a warm smile coming over his face. His hand reached out to pet her while she slept. Sobbing distracted him, however, and he looked up just in time to see the black-haired child running past the alley in to the unknown. He shrugged it off and checked again to see if the orange-haired girl was gone. He didn’t see her…anywhere. This made him a little nervous. Maybe it was time to go? The tiny turtle shook the girl beside him to wake her up. She barely stirred.

“Squirtle,” he urged quietly, “squirtle squirt.”

A weak “Maaarrr” escaped her as she opened her eyes slowly. She rolled on to her back lazily and smiled warmly up at her hero.

“Marill?”

“Sq-squirtle,” he blushed.

The blush caused her to giggle which gave him a little more confidence. He almost seemed to grin as his free hand reached for her other side. She rolled, squirmed, and laughed as the Squirtle tickled her.

“Aha, I found you!” Misty stepped halfway around the corner with the Pokeball in her hand.

Shana heard the cry of the Pokemon from several blocks away. She stopped in her tracks, turned on her heel, and stared down the street from across the intersection she had just crossed. Why should she care if Misty caught the Marill?

‘What if she failed?’ a voice whispered in the back of her mind. ‘What if you caught the Marill and won the game? Then who would be girly and weird?’

Vengeance was learned at an early age and oh, how sweet it was. A firmness rose within Shana that was like an impenetrable wall: no one could break her down in that moment. She ran back down the sidewalk, across the intersection (after looking carefully, of course), and quickly rushed down the alleyway where both Squirtle and Marill were trapped by Misty who was blocking their way out.

“Let them go!” Shana demanded.

Misty turned around and glared at her.

“I thought you ran away crying?”

“No! You’re being mean, Misty, and I’m not going to let you catch that Marill!”

“Why not? It’s part of our game!”

“Well, you’re not going to win!”

Shana ran and knocked her shoulder purposefully in to Misty’s to send the girl forward. This gave Shana enough room to move; she took out her custom-made Pokeball and readied it, but Squirtle repeated his strategy: he shot a Water Gun at Shana who echoed Misty’s previous mistake and fell backwards in a domino effect against Misty. Both girls were knocked over, but unfortunately, it didn’t prove an escape route for Squirtle or Marill.

“You rotten Squirtle,” Misty snarled. “You’re always in my way! I’ll deal with you first!”

Misty shoved the other girl off of her and stood up, picking up a loose rock on her way. Although she was flinching from an injured ankle, Shana saw what Misty was about to do and frowned.

“Misty, don’t!”

“Shut up, you big baby! This should only weaken it!”

“You could hurt him!”

“That’s the point, dummy!”

Before Misty could so much as twitch, Squirtle jumped in to the air, tucked his body inside his shell, and spun it around hard and fast. The Tackle hit Misty right in the chest and knocked the child backwards where she slammed in to a couple of trashcans. Squirtle stopped his attack immediately after wards, having bounced off from impact of hitting his enemy, and landed on his feet in front of Marill. The little mouse was curled up in a Defense Curl crying her eyes out. Enraged by her friend being hurt, Shana stood up and glared at the Squirtle.

“Don’t you Tackle my friend!”

“Squirtle squirt!”

They had a glaring contest for what seemed like an eternity. Neither of them blinked, twitched, nor showed any signs whatsoever of forfeiting or being defeated. He saw it from the corner of his green eye, but the rock appeared to have come out of nowhere: it slammed in to his face and knocked him backwards on to his shell.

“Direct hit!” Misty cheered for herself as she stood up.

“Misty, don’t do that!”

“Now that he’s out of the way, I’ll catch that Marill!”

“Oh no you won’t!”

Misty stepped forward with her Pokeball ready, but Shana nudged at her and tried to keep her held back. The elbowing progressed in to hair-tugging and eventually, Misty shoved Shana backwards completely. With a smug look on her face, the orange-haired girl towered menacingly over the shivering Marill with her Pokeball all ready.

“Hey, Misty?”

When she turned to glare at the interruption, she received nothing more than a blinding flash of light in her eyes. A victorious confidence rushed through Shana, adding to the adrenaline. As Misty tried very hard to get rid of the pulsing lights in her vision quickly, the other girl seized her chance. She tossed her custom-made ball at the Marill.

The flash had woken Squirtle up. He saw what was happening in slow motion once again and, as the ball was released, he did another well-performed dive to the side only this time, he was protecting Marill instead of moving out of the way. If this sacrifice didn’t win her heart, this sacrifice of his freedom for her own, he didn’t know what would. The sacrifice completely threw Shana off guard and she only watched in full admiration as the custom-made ball collided with the flat of Squirtle’s shell; it opened to reveal a brilliant white light similar to the camera’s flash, that transformed the tiny turtle into energy. Once the energy was contained within the ancient device, it dropped to the ground where it began to wobble.

The moment that Squirtle had been captured, Marill’s ears perked a little. She uncurled, looked around, and, at the sight of the wobbling ball currently containing the foolish Squirtle, took off in a Rollout attack past Shana towards the exit of the alleyway. She turned the corner and disappeared from sight.

Misty’s vision cleared seconds after the Marill left. Only one or two steps had to be taken before she arrived at Shana’s side and stared down at the wobbling custom Pokeball. A disappointed, envious look conquered Misty’s face.

“Aww, you caught it already!”

“That isn’t Marill,” Shana explained.

“What? Then who—you captured Squirtle?!”

“Not yet. Look, he’s still fighting!”

The ball wiggled and wobbled ferociously. There was no way that such a stubborn Pokemon who loved his freedom more than anything in the world, except maybe that Marill, would give up without a really good fight.

FireflyK
03-14-2008, 04:15 PM
Introduction: Your introduction gives a location, and an idea of the mood and location of the story. The only thing I recommend is using line breaks when switching perspective, such as going from the Squirtle and Marill in the water, to Shana and her mother in Cerulean City.

Plot: A squirtle meets an enchanting Marill. Meanwhile, a young girl and her mother are in the city, where the girl is given a camera. She also meets Misty, then a young girl herself. The two kids try to capture the Squirtle or Marill. Eventually, Shana learns to become more competitive because Misty is mean- insulting her, and later, actually hitting Squirtle in the face with a rock.
For a Squirtle, this is a complex enough plot. It was also refreshing to see people who aren’t trainers on a journey to be masters. The common interest in water types was fun, too- kids do tend to be competitive when both are fond of or good at the same thing.

Grammar: I didn’t see any problems here. You seem to have a firm grasp on grammar and spelling.

Details: Vivid details. I’d try to use more smell, hearing, and touch details in the future, but your story had plenty as is.

It was such a peaceful day outside: the only clouds in sight were the white, fluffy ones and those happy little clouds refused to cross the brilliant sun’s path. This meant that the waters were at their most gorgeous blue. There was no wind; the water was still and smooth.

This a pretty detailed description of the day. However, most of the words are very typical. Describing the day as ‘peaceful’, the clouds as ‘fluffy’, and so on, is fairly common. Try to use a little variation in your descriptions.

sun grumpily set; he was so tired of having to live shorter days when it was such beautiful weather. His rays transformed the blue sky into colorful streaks of gold, pink, and purple.
This description was a lot better. While there are only so many colors that one can use to describe a sunset, personifying the sun added a lot to the description.

Characterization: No one character seems to be amazingly powered compared to the others, which was good. The Marill seems to be a static character. Even Squirtle, whom Shana captures, seems secondary to, well, Shana. Using Pokemon with less personality than humans is fine- it is, after all, hard to write every character with equal amounts of development- but try to remember in the future to at least give more than 1 personality trait (flirtacious in the case of Marill, pursuing in the case of Squirtle) per character.
I also suggest that you perhaps consider how you use your human characters. The nannies weren’t able to keep track of the kids. Misty is mean and throws rocks as Squirtle, and insults Shana, as well as seeming hyper-competitive. Meanwhile, Shana is described as asking nicely to go to the park, and doesn’t seem to do anything that isn’t kind and nice through the entire story. Some kids are like this… but using every other character including a canon character to show just how good your main character is makes the other characters look bad in comparison. Perhaps try to let them be ‘right’ sometimes, instead of having just Shana be the moral one.

Battle: Because the kids didn’t have Pokemon, it was clear that they couldn’t really weaken the Squirtle the typical way. The prolonged chase, and the attack with a few rocks, seems sufficient, considering the overall quality of the story.

Overall: Squirtle captured. You use a few generalizations and common descriptions, as well as using a ‘canon’ character to exemplify the better behavior of Shana. However, overall, this was a good story, with plenty of description and a cute plot.