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Chared
03-07-2008, 12:44 AM
The children always wondered why the forest near of their village was avoided by all the adults. They were told not go near, that it was dangerous. Sheepishly, they obeyed, and would play with the apparently "less" dangerous trees. Little did the children of Florama know, the forest stared back at them with beady little eyes, waiting for the next small child to attack. For inside this forest, there lurked a black bug. so black, that no one in Florama really knew what it was. A young trainer, who wandered here with a small Snubbull, learned of the bug and quickly promised to catch the bug. His foolish announcement received mixed signals.

The villagers stared at the trainer for many minutes. Then the Children started cheering him on. Then the adults screamed that the trainer, Warren was his name, that he was going on a suicide mission. Confidently, he said," I can handle this 'bug' with my snubbull," and then confidently strutted forward as if royalty. With each step, the feeling of eyes on the back of his neck grew stronger and stronger. By the time Warren reached the forest, he wanted to turn tail and run. Even that option was soon cut off, because from the trees came multiple lines of silk dripping with some sticky substance. To boost his confidence, he yelled, "Is that all you can do to stop me? Just a few flimsy pieces of string? I thought you were dangerous, 'Black Bug'." Warren's only answer was another round of sticky threads of silk.

From inside one of the the trees, came a shaking sound of leaves rustling. Warren snapped his head in the direction of the sound and listened closely. The rustling stopped, but the feeling of being watched stuck with him. Sweat formed on Warren's face, as he awaited the pokemon's attack. Warren realized that the pokemon was waiting for his move. The thought brought Warren little comfort, but filled him with dread. This pokemon was veteran fighter, it knew how to handle itself. With that thought done, he sighed. Knowing that he had to fight, Warred threw out a gleaming pokeball that opened up and released a small, pink, dog. The small dog yelled, " SNUBBULL!" and launched himself at the tree line. The bug shot out of the trees and spat another wave of sticky strings. The Snubbull took the strings head on, and was then to the ground. The black bug yelled in triumph, "Caterpie!" and threw itself at Snubull at back breaking speed. Snubbull merely smiled and opened its jaws wide enough to swallow the world. With an audible snap, the Caterpie was stuck in snubbull's jaws. It was not over still, for Snubbull opened his jaws too early and released the Caterpie. The Caterpie screamed and flung itself into Snubbull's stomach. With a whoosh of air, the Snubbull hit a tree. Snubbull's eyes gleamed with a dangerous light, and Warren almost felt sorry for the Caterpie. Snubull opened his mouth to reveal fangs glowing with a white-hot intensity. The fangs grew brighter and brighter until the fangs burst into flame. The Caterpie squealed and tried to wiggle away, but it was too late as Snubull sunk his teeth into the Caterpie. Flames licked up the flammable bug and soon engulfed it. after the flames died, Warren wondered if the Caterpie was charred or if its skin was only moderately harmed.

Sighing in relief, Warren looked at the black bug pokemon now identified as a Caterpie. Warren contemplated about the Caterpie for a moment. How did it get here? Caterpies were not native to this land. What Caused the peculiar coloring of the pokemon? Shaking the thoughts from his mind, Warred took an empty pokeball and flung it at the Caterpie. He did not even blink as the ball opened up and sent out a net of red light. When the Caterpie was pulled in the pokeball, Warren turned away and let the Caterpie struggle in his net. Slowly the pokeball shook, once, then for a second time. Warren wondered if the pokeball would the release the Caterpie, or would the pokeball enslave it forever?
this is long enough and ready to be graded

Emily
03-07-2008, 09:43 AM
Sorry, but this isn't long enough for even a Caterpie. Add more length to it and try again.

Chared
03-16-2008, 10:37 PM
will someone grade this before it is buried in an avalanche of other stories?

The Jr Trainer
04-12-2008, 07:58 PM
Plot/Story:
Well, there was not much to it, but it’s a Caterpie, so I didn’t expect much. Okay so, Warren goes into a forest after telling the towns people he was going to take care of this mischievous little bug. Yes, that is pretty good for a small little Caterpie. The plotness of the story could’ve been a but longer, instead of Warren just telling the people then leaving. Make sure your plot is longer the next time; the battle shouldn’t be the whole story, it makes it look really bad at times.

But for the little black bug. XP This was good enough to me. Make sure in the future you have a more original plot, story and whatnot, they make the whole of the story a lot, lot better. ^^;

Introduction:
This was, as well, good enough for a small little bug, you didn’t do to little, and not too much. ^^; Remember, though, you can make the story lifted by the intro; they can really get a story on the roll, and make it up off the ground.

Grammar/Spelling:
I had few problems with this, the only thing that really bothered me completely would have to be the fact that you capitalized the first letter of random words, when you didn’t need to, or vise-versa, you made a non-capitalized letter when you needed a capitalized one. Watch out for that. Oh and, make sure you capitalize anything related to Pokemon at all.

Here are a few things I wanted to point out;

They were told not go near, that it was dangerous.
That would be a compound sentence, you want to make it have a conjunction in the middle, “and” would fit in there well. Putting and in would mean you would remove the comma, and it would be: They were told not to go near and that it was dangerous.

pokeball that opened up and released a small, pink, dog
Here, you don’t need the comma after “pink” when describing something in a kind of list form, you don’t need the comma after the last descriptive word, since you don’t want a pause in between those two words. And “pokeball” would be “Pokeball” capital ‘p’ :P

Hmm, besides those, I didn’t see anything horribly wrong. ^^;

Length:
Just about 4k, no problems here.

Detail/Battle:
Put these together since the story was pretty much just a battle, and you had most of your description in the time right before the battle or in the battle. ^^;

Anyways, the detail was yes, good, but you could improve from those simple words into big and juicy words. I can see you have a wide range of vocabulary, since you seemed to use some nice words in the story. The real thing was, in fact, you had great descriptions for the little bug. Most people lean off on descriptions in this kind of writing. Kudos. :D

Now, the battle, like of the story, it was good, but I could’ve seen more description in here. Make sure you have all the attacks involved in the battle have description, or they’ll get boring as boring can be. :P Also, make sure you have more of an anime-istic kind of battle, not like a game boy game, but more of a anime battle.

But, these two things were still great.

Outcome:
Yes, this was a great story in all. You should have a good future in writing, if you choose to continue. ^_^

Caterpie captured!!

Chared
05-02-2008, 07:45 PM
thanks for the feedback, I'll work on that. :happy: