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GreenRampage
03-07-2008, 10:28 PM
Chapter 1: Outer Cave

Matty, our young hero, arrives in Pewter City. He had just been exploring in Pallet Town and hopes to meet a new friend. His team currently consists of: Elesor the Electabuzz, Magby, Smoochum, Niddo the Nidoran[M], and Nidda the Nidorina. Matty wonders into the town to see what awaits him.

Matty and Elesor stood over the mountain. They over looked the town. "What do you think, Elesor?" Matty asked calmly. The Electabuzz nodded. It punched the air excited for the upcoming adventures. "Pumped huh?" Matty said with a smirk as Elesor punched the air. Matty jumped onto the steep mountainside, lying down. He slid quickly down the mountain. Elesor jumped after him. Matty avoided several trees and bushes as he came to a halt at the bottom. Suddenly the fast moving Electabuzz landed on top of him. Matty punched the ground screaming, "Get offa me ya dumb-nut!" Elesor looked down at him and smiled as he stood up. "Thanks," Matty said sarcastically.

Matty spent the night in his tent outside of the city. He stretched out as he readied for bed. He crawled into his tent and slipped his body into his sleeping bag. He liked living on the road and all, but he wished he could sleep in a bed. He shrugged as he removed his yellow hat from his head. The crimson red hair rushed out. He picked his head up and dropped it down, allowing his long hair to spread out. He sighed. He closed his eyes as he slept quietly.

Matty awoke with the sun gleaming through his thin tent. He quickly shut his eyes from the intensity of the sun on his face. He shoved his hand in the way as he got up. He sat, half in half out, of his sleeping bag. He looked around to make sure nothing was missing. He found his Pokéballs, backpack, and hat all where he left them. He put on his hat as he exited his tent. He prepared himself a small breakfast from what was left of the food he bought in Viridian. He munched down the last apple. Matty changed into clean clothes also.

Well! Time to head out! Matty thought to himself. He took his first step of the morning towards Pewter City. Along the way, Matty saw several Pokémon, but nothing of interest. He decided he'd save his Pokéballs from something he really wanted.

Matty read the large sign that entered him into the city. Matty smiled at spotting it and ran as fast he could. He tripped over a small stone along the way, but he stood up and kept running. He looked around the city for anything interesting. There wasn't much. It wasn't as exciting as he had hoped. He walked solemnly into the Pokemon Center. He flopped his unhappy body on the couch and looked around. A small gathering had formed in the corner. He wondered what was up. Matty pulled himself up and walked over to the crowd.

Matty peeked his head over the outside of the crowd. One of the kids was sitting in a chair, leaning back. "So how hard was it to catch?" one of the kids said excited.

"Not that hard. I mean I am an expert trainer," the kid in the chair said.

"Can we see it?" "Yeah let us see it!" said a couple of the kids in the crowd.

"Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt," the kid sitting down said. He walked outside as the crowd followed. He tossed the Pokéball into the air as a large Onix made its appearance. It roared louder than Matty could've imagined.

"So where'd he catch something like that?" Matty said to a close by spectator.

"He said he caught it in Mt. Moon," the kid said, still staring at the Onix.

Matty shrugged as he forced himself out of the crowd. Mt. Moon sounded kinda exciting. He stepped as he headed towards the cave or mountain or whatever thing on the right side of town.

Upon reaching the tip of the mountain, Matty noticed a very large collection of trainers moving about. He really wanted to save his energy for a Pokemon he could catch on the inside. Matty carefully crept past the numerous people walking about. Several times, he swore they would've seen him. Matty spotted the end of the route. The cave was just on the other side of this ledge. Two trainers were looking about, wanting a battle. He began to creep, slowly as possible. Until, it happened. Matty took a long stride, too long. He slipped on a pebble, his leg outstretching. He fell in pain. One of the trainers turned to him. He ran at Matty and asked, "Wanna battle?"

Matty dropped his head down, he couldn't say "No" now. He shrugged his shoulders limply. "Okay! I'll start! Go! Nidoran[F]!" the trainer yelled. He tossed his small blue Pokémon appeared. Matty pulled his head up to look over the small blue Pokémon. He lightly tossed a Pokéball from his belt. "Go Niddo," Matty breathed out. Matty's small pink Pokémon, who looked very similar to the small blue one, stood, ready for battle.

"Nidoran! Ran at him and use Bite!" the trainer called. Nidoran[F] ran at Niddo and opened her mouth to take a munch out of him.

"Niddo, just dodge and use Horn Attack," Matty sighed. Niddo was able to dodge and ready his Horn Attack, but as he charged at the other Pokémon, it bit the horn! Niddo fell in pain and Nidoran[F] was knocked away. They both struggled to get up. "Niddo! Use Double Kick!"

"Nidoran! You use Double Kick too!" the young trainer yelled. He hoped his strategy would work as a sweat drop fell down his face. His short, brown hair stood on end as the battle took place.

The two Pokémon ran at each other. Upon getting close, they shifted their weight backwards in an attempt to kick twice. Both attacks collided and Niddo and Nidoran both landed a kick to the other's face. The two Pokémon slid across the ground in perfect unison. Matty bit his lip. This kid was more trouble than he had hoped for. His Nidoran seemed evenly matched with Niddo. Matty looked over to see both Pokémon stagger to their feet. They wobbled back and forth. The trainer made the first move, "Nidoran! Use Poison Sting!"

"You counter with Poison Sting!" Matty yelled. Both Pokémon spit out a barrage of poison needles. They seemed to stop each other. Until one stray needle broke from the pile and hit Nidoran[F] square in the eye. The Pokémon fell in pain. It's blue pointed body trembling all over. The boy ran to aid his Pokémon and began to comfort her. Matty returned Niddo. He walked over to the boy and gave him a bright smile. Matty, without saying a word, left the boy to comfort his Pokémon.

Matty entered the cave at its bottom. He looked around the dark, creepy area. There wasn't much sign of life. The entire place seemed dry of living creatures. Matty looked at the stalactites and stalagmites that covered all the ceilings and floors respectively. He touched his finger to the several of the sharp rocks that he almost cut his arm open on. Matty overall was disappointed with the number of Pokémon he found, which was none. He sat against a wall to think about what he should do next.

It had been maybe thirty minutes when Matty started to feel the ground shake. He stood up with his legs wobbling. His arm was leaning against the wall for balance. The tremors can in short blows, one after another. Anything that could make that much racket must be strong! Matty thought as he excitedly ran towards the source. However, after the first tremor since he left the wall, he fell to his feet. Matty once again straggled to stand. He began to take baby steps and stood stone still when the tremors shook. It had been about fifteen minutes of him taking small steps when Matty heard a loud, "Urk!" Matty began to run, even though the tremors were just as strong and he must've fallen ten times, towards the noise. Matty finally came to a halt, panting heavily, at a small rock Pokémon punching the wall. His movements were in synchronization with the tremors. Matty's face filled with joy. "Hey you! Making all that racket! I'm gunna catch you!" Matty yelled. Matty pulled out his Pokédex and found the Pokémon was a Geodude.

The rock Pokémon looked at Matty and muttered, "Geo?" It punched the ground with a "Thud!" Matty shook in his place as he tossed a Pokéball. Smoochum stood with a very taunting look. Its big lips smacked together as its yellow hair swayed back and forth. It was quite a Pokémon to look at. "Smoochum! Powder Snow!" The little Pokémon took a deep breath and let out a wind of snow. Geodude dropped to the ground as it slid at Smoochum underneath the wind. Geodude punched the little Pokémon it the gut, sending it flying. Smoochum smashed against a wall. It bounced off the wall and landed on the ground. She rose to her feet with a grimace. Her stomach had a large bruise. She looked in pain. Matty bit his lip. He knew she'd wanna keep going, but she was in bad shape. "Smoochum! Use Confusion!" Smoochum closed her eyes as she let out a wave of images into Geodude’s head. Geodude began to angrily move about, punching walls and the ground. It swung its body near Matty as he jumped out of the way. The Geodude made its way over to Smoochum who was punched away. Smoochum fell to the ground, unable to get up.

Matty took out a Pokéball and returned Smoochum. He grabbed another and tossed it by the Geodude. Nidda stood with her blue, pointed body almost glowing. She gave an uncaring look towards Geodude. "Nidda! Use Crunch!" Matty yelled. The pointed Pokémon turned on its heel as it unhinged its jaw. It ran up to the Geodude and bit down on it. Nidda almost cracked a tooth, but she kept her hold. Geodude gave a strong punch into Nidda's stomach. The Pokémon opened her mouth and fell back. Geodude began to rub his head where he had been bitten. "Nidda now use a Double Kick!" Nidda ran at Geodude. At the last second, Nidda forced her back weight forward. Geodude was kicked in the face from the attack. He grabbed himself in pain as Nidda kicked again to break his guard. "Good now Crunch again!" Matty yelled. Nidda unhinged her jaw. She closed in on Geodude as the rock began to force punches into her chest. Nidda felt her stomach begin to bleed as it fell off him limply. Geodude grabbed at his head again. He began to itch and itch. The dark energy of the Crunch had finally seeped in. The Geodude began to roll about with frustration. It punched and flailed in pain. It finally halted its rampage on the ground, unconscious. Matty took out a Pokéball from his pocket and threw it onto the Geodude. The light sucked in Geodude. The ball shook once, twice, thrice and


Pokemon Going for: Geodude
Charcters: 8481
Characters(w/ Spaces): 10356
Characers Needed:5-10K

GreenRampage
03-08-2008, 09:41 PM
Just gunna reserve this for Chapter 2.

Leman
03-16-2008, 07:50 PM
I'll be grading this. I guess. =/

EDIT:
Plot:

So a kid named Matty has traveled through the Veridian Forest, and comes to Pewter City. He sees a kid bragging about an Onix that he caught in Mount Moon. So, Matty goes there, battles a kid with another Nidoran. He wins, and continues in further, when he feels small quakes. He finds that it is a Geodude. Matty then battles the rock.

Overall it was an OK plot. Sort of straight forward, and it is somewhat predictable, starting at the kid with Onix. You should try to avoid that. Try to throw in unexpected plot twists. Maybe the Nidoran was stolen by a Houndoom (Not in Kanto but w/e), and Matty might have to track that down in to Mt. Moon where he find the Geodude.

I liked how you had him find the Geodude. Very clever, imo. :)

Introduction:

You listed his Pokemon, and threw him in a nice location. You didn't really tell me what they looked like too much. For all I know, Electabuzz should have been a dragon or something.

You also never told me what Matty looked like either. Was he tall, or short? Did he have long black hair with green highlights, or maybe he was bald? I was completely in the dark about this. This is something really basic that you need to do, but I'll rant about that in another section.

You also didn't give me any incentive too read. There was nothing that drew me into the story. Thats why the grade's so late; I got bored. :x Don't take that the wrong way though. It tells you that you need add some sort of eye-catching hook, which makes your story stand out, and keeps the reader reading. You might get a grader quicker that way. :x

Grammar/Spelling:

A couple things.

First are your commas. You didn't really put too many into your story, other than with dialog. To easily figure out where you need them, read the sentence aloud. Wherever you pause, slap a comma there. Like for example:

Suddenly the fast moving Electabuzz landed on top of him.

Say it aloud. Notice that you stop for a second right after suddenly. There should be a comma there.

Your sentences were also very choppy. I made your story an awkward read. Try combining them, with conjunctions like 'and', 'therefore', or 'however', to name a few.

He slid quickly down the mountain. Elesor jumped after him.

You can combine those two sentences, and say instead:

He slid quickly down the mountain and Elesor jumped after him.

That gives you a verity of sentence lengths, which makes for a better story.

Try to use tenses correctly too. When saying commands from trainers, use present tense not the past tense. For example you will not say, "Go ate your food." You will say, "Go eat your food."

"Nidoran! Ran at him and use Bite!" the trainer called. Nidoran[F] ran at Niddo and opened her mouth to take a munch out of him.

'Ran' should be 'run'. D: You did that couple times.

Also instead of saying "Nidoran[F]", just describe it as the female Nidoran, and call it Nidoran. D:

There were a couple typos, that you should watch out for.

Length:

I couldn't remember if you needed 5k or 10k, for it. Either way you're fine, but it happens to only need 5k. Which means, you went over the max. Good job. :D

Details:

I mentioned this a little bit earlier. You hardly described anything. The most description in the story was probably in the battle, which was a little below average. outside of the battles, there was little to none. YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING! I can't stress this enough, yet it seems that many people just... forget.

Try and pretend that the reader is blind, but could see a long time ago. You need to describe it really well to get their memory back, and so that they can envision anything. (I acctually do like that analogy. :) )

Remember to use all your senses when describing things too, not just sight. Yeah, you need to work on this. D:

Reality:

It could happen. I don't know if Geodude could shake the cave so much, but meh, I guess it might be able to. Don't worry about that so much. D:

Battle:

These battles were acctually quite good. In my opinion, you best area. I liked how it was even;y matched, and you even had one Pokemon knocked out. You described it much better than the rest of your story. Overall not much to say, other than add abit more detail into the attacks. D:

Outcome: Blegh, the details (or lack of), and the somewhat poor grammar, pushed it over for me. Geodude not captured!! REad the grade, and fix it. Then PM me for a regrade. D:

GreenRampage
03-17-2008, 05:26 AM
I'll be grading this. I guess. =/

EDIT:
Plot:

So a kid named Matty has traveled through the Veridian Forest, and comes to Pewter City. He sees a kid bragging about an Onix that he caught in Mount Moon. So, Matty goes there, battles a kid with another Nidoran. He wins, and continues in further, when he feels small quakes. He finds that it is a Geodude. Matty then battles the rock.

Overall it was an OK plot. Sort of straight forward, and it is somewhat predictable, starting at the kid with Onix. You should try to avoid that. Try to throw in unexpected plot twists. Maybe the Nidoran was stolen by a Houndoom (Not in Kanto but w/e), and Matty might have to track that down in to Mt. Moon where he find the Geodude.

I liked how you had him find the Geodude. Very clever, imo. :)

Introduction:

You listed his Pokemon, and threw him in a nice location. You didn't really tell me what they looked like too much. For all I know, Electabuzz should have been a dragon or something.

You also never told me what Matty looked like either. Was he tall, or short? Did he have long black hair with green highlights, or maybe he was bald? I was completely in the dark about this. This is something really basic that you need to do, but I'll rant about that in another section.

"The crimson red hair rushed out. He picked his head up and dropped it down, allowing his long hair to spread out. He sighed. He closed his eyes as he slept quietly." Sorry but I did put his hair color. Just wanted to point that out.


You also didn't give me any incentive too read. There was nothing that drew me into the story. Thats why the grade's so late; I got bored. :x Don't take that the wrong way though. It tells you that you need add some sort of eye-catching hook, which makes your story stand out, and keeps the reader reading. You might get a grader quicker that way. :x

Grammar/Spelling:

A couple things.

First are your commas. You didn't really put too many into your story, other than with dialog. To easily figure out where you need them, read the sentence aloud. Wherever you pause, slap a comma there. Like for example:



Say it aloud. Notice that you stop for a second right after suddenly. There should be a comma there.
This was bothering me. I couldn't decide. So I simply left it without. I guess I made the wrong decision :oops:
Your sentences were also very choppy. I made your story an awkward read. Try combining them, with conjunctions like 'and', 'therefore', or 'however', to name a few.



You can combine those two sentences, and say instead:



That gives you a verity of sentence lengths, which makes for a better story.

Try to use tenses correctly too. When saying commands from trainers, use present tense not the past tense. For example you will not say, "Go ate your food." You will say, "Go eat your food."



'Ran' should be 'run'. D: You did that couple times.

Also instead of saying "Nidoran[F]", just describe it as the female Nidoran, and call it Nidoran. D:
I thought that would become confusing when I was reffering to Nidda as a Nidoran or the Nidoran... I thought it'd be better if I stuck to Nidoran[F] to show which was which
There were a couple typos, that you should watch out for.

Length:

I couldn't remember if you needed 5k or 10k, for it. Either way you're fine, but it happens to only need 5k. Which means, you went over the max. Good job. :D

Details:

I mentioned this a little bit earlier. You hardly described anything. The most description in the story was probably in the battle, which was a little below average. outside of the battles, there was little to none. YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING! I can't stress this enough, yet it seems that many people just... forget.

Try and pretend that the reader is blind, but could see a long time ago. You need to describe it really well to get their memory back, and so that they can envision anything. (I acctually do like that analogy. :) )

Remember to use all your senses when describing things too, not just sight. Yeah, you need to work on this. D:

This is my weak spot unfortunately :redface:

Reality:

It could happen. I don't know if Geodude could shake the cave so much, but meh, I guess it might be able to. Don't worry about that so much. D:

Odd for me seeing as this is usually one of my worst

Battle:

These battles were acctually quite good. In my opinion, you best area. I liked how it was even;y matched, and you even had one Pokemon knocked out. You described it much better than the rest of your story. Overall not much to say, other than add abit more detail into the attacks. D:

Outcome: Blegh, the details (or lack of), and the somewhat poor grammar, pushed it over for me. Geodude not captured!! REad the grade, and fix it. Then PM me for a regrade. D:

Odd. It seems my best area and worst area switched on this story. Usually my grammar is close to perfect while my Battle lacks immensly. I'll start an edit soon and hopefully you'll be able to ref me again.