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Shozuka
03-08-2008, 05:43 PM
Characters for Trapinch: 10-20 K
Characters Used: I don’t know, around 10 K I guess...


As the blazing red star that was a sun shone on the green soft tufts of grass, nothing stirred or turned. There was complete silence in Lilycove City. It was daylight at night. Legends were that when the mysterious Pokemon wanders into Lilycove City, it uses its mighty Hyper Beam to create a star substituting the sun.

Marq woke up in his home in Lilycove City fascinated from his recent dream. He had just caught a Magikarp. Marq was a ten year old with a deep passion with legendary Pokemon. He had medium length brown hair and hazel eyes. He was usually very solemn and serious.

Suddenly, an older girl barged through the wooden brown door, jumping on Marq with excitement.
“Selena, get off of me this instant!” Marq yelled in astonishment.

Selena was his older sister; whom was usually more solemn than Marq. She never hugged Marq unless she had a new boyfriend or something, which was rare. She gave Marq a printed picture of a Pokemon.

“It’s so cute!” Selena jumped up and down in excitement. Marq sighed. “Okay, listen. You’ve heard of the myth that at night it is daytime when the mysterious Pokemon wanders around? This is it!”

Marq grinned for once. He needed to research on this Pokemon. He ran downstairs and rushed to brush his teeth. By the time that he arrived at the computer, Selena was sitting on the tall computer chair, on a website about Pokemon legends and Pokemon in general.

“It evolves into Vibrava, and then it turns into the mighty and powerful Flygon!” Marq whispered in happiness.

“I’ve seen a Flygon, such a powerful and beautiful thing!” Selena said and walked to the kitchen nearby.

“Our parents are asleep, so let’s go find one!” Marq whispered in excitement.

“Let’s not get in trouble,” Selena sighed with a second thought. After a moment of silence, she nodded.

“Yes!”

Suddenly, the floor started to crumble and crack. Marq scoffed and held his belt with two Pokeballs for safety. An orange hard textured creature hovered over the remainings of the floor. It was the Pokemon.

“Well well well,” Selena said in a sly voice. “The Trapinch. Go Raticate!” she screamed regardless of the fact that her parents were asleep.

A giant rat creature zoomed over to the Trapinch and bit it with a couple of swipes following. However, the Trapinch zoomed at the speed of thunder and light, and dodged it.

Suddenly, a large and strong beam started forming in the center of Trapinch’s mouth. It beamed out a large orange beam out which blew Raticate away, sending it to the wall, which caused it to break it. Raticate struggled to get up on its own.

Raticate ran faster than it usually did. It was brutally hurt, but was just as angry.

“Double Edge,” Marq muttered in excitement.

Trapinch took several deep breaths. It was really hurt. It struggled to keep up. It lay down on the broken floor, and fell asleep.

“It has fainted! It has fainted!” Marq jumped around in happiness. Selena stood there, shaking her head in disappointment.

“It has only fallen asleep. It may even gain a little bit of HP.”

Raticate obviously agreed with Selena, because it started to use Swords Dance.

“Good boy,” Selena smiled. Suddenly, Trapinch woke up, much more powerful than earlier. It zoomed around Raticate, confusing it brutally. Raticate was very confused at where to go, so it hit itself.

Trapinch halted Agility and started forming another beam, this time it was yellow and green. The sun’s shiny rays ran out. It was complete darkness until Trapinch let go Solarbeam, knocking out Raticate.

Selena pushed away Marq before he could take out Skitty. She threw her second Pokeball at Trapinch, hitting it slightly. A big penguin Pokemon roared at the scared and tired Trapinch. The penguin had two plates of shiny metal steel on each side of its head. It was a Prinplup.

“When did you catch a Prinplup?” Marq yelled over the loud bashing between the two Pokemon.

“Shut up and watch me catch this Trapinch for you!” She screamed.

Prinplup made quick gestures with its hands and water flew and covered Trapinch. Trapinch was confused where the water came from. However, it quickly jumped up and down, creating an atrocious earthquake. Marq and Selena screamed and jumped away. The noise was too loud for Marq’s ears. He held his ears as far and hard as he could.

Trapinch again quickly did another attack. It bit Prinplup hardeer than a normal Bite.

“I think it just learned the move Crunch by itself,” Marq grinned, but it was too low of a tone for Selena to hear.

Prinplup was getting really hurt. The Trapinch was stronger than anyone could expect. Suddenly, Trapinch screamed really loud, which brought Marq almost practically deaf. It ran quicker than light around Prinplup, quicker as it ran in circles, and finally jumped on Prinplup, sending it into a fissure.

The noise stopped. It was silence. Marq let go of his ears. Selena was so astonished at Prinplup’s defeat. She started sobbing and crying.

“We don’t have a stronger Pokemon than this!” she cried.

“Yes we do,” Marq said. He picked up his Pokeball and sent out his Skitty.

“Skitty, hold this Moon Stone so you can evolve!” Marq snatched a Moon Stone out of his pocket and let Skitty hold it. It suddenly started to change. Selena smiled and hugged her brother. They had a chance.

By the second, Trapinch was gaining life. Delcatty started off with Doubleslap.

Slap!

Slap!

Slap!

Trapinch was attempting to stop the slapping. By the time he was slapped five times, it was already getting tired. It was starting to faint. It let out its last move. An orange and red beam came out of Trapinch’s mouth, but it was weaker than usual. It hit Delcatty, pulling it backwards. To finish Trapinch off, it used Ice Beam. A beam of water froze on Trapinch, freezing it to death.

“Thank you so much, Delcatty. You were a great help,” Marq said and gave it a Potion, returning it into the Pokeball.

He took out another one. His hands were sweaty and the Pokeball slipped out of his hand, creating a red aura outlining Trapinch.

Fwoosh

The Pokeball wiggled and waggled, it jiggled and joggled.

“WHO IS THERE?!” Somebody was heard from the staircase. Marq and Selena gulped.

Had Trapinch been caught?

Phantom Kat
03-09-2008, 05:09 AM
Diet Coke tastes like rotten water. D=

Plot: In Lilycove City, there is a legend that states when night falls, a mysterious creature appears and somehow creates an artificial sun that makes the sky as bright as day. Marq is fascinated by this and he himself is a Legend fanatic. One night, as he awakes from a lovely dream, he is assaulted by his older sister, Selena, who has a picture of this Pokemon. As they research it. The Pokemon appears by breaking the floor and it turns out to be a Trapinch. A harsh battle issues in where three Pokemon need to be used to bring down this orange being.

I love the idea of it being day during night by a mysterious Pokemon. Somehow, it just sets a mysterious mood in where you need to read further to find more about this. The two siblings, Marq and Selena, seemed like excited kids eager to find out more about this and I liked this because they weren’t super strong trainers with a full belt of Pokemon at hand, just a duo of curious kids.

However, after Marq and Selena research about it and Trapinch appears, it seemed way too rushed. Trapinch just seemed to pop out of nowhere for no apparent reason and Marq and Selena did not seem the least bit surprise. Why was Trapinch there and suddenly started attacking? If it wasn’t for the legend that was provided, it would be one of those “Pokemon pops out of nowhere story and trainer captures it”.

This story has a lot of potential and the legend is the most unique part of it. Maybe Marq and Selena encountered Trapinch as it began to power up its Hyper Beam on a desolate hill. Maybe Trapinch had a reason for doing this, maybe it was warding off night Pokemon that might attack the citizens. If you start off with an original concept like a legend, draw it out and make it interesting, make it a big part of your story. At the moment, the plot was bland just because it started off interesting but it quickly became just a drawn out battle. Don’t limit yourself, get creative and imaginative!

Intro: The legend states that in Lilycove City, a Poemon uses its Hyper Beam to light up the night sky, making it seem like day. Maq, interested, is wake up by his sister Selena who states she knows who the Pokemon is.

Like the rest of your story, it started off nice and interesting. We are introduced to the legend Marq and Selena know so well and we get a basic overview of the characters. After the legend, the intro was a bit iffy. You describe Marq and Selena in a few quick sentences and the story just takes off from there. We know Marq has hazel eyes and brown hair while Selena is more solemn than Marq but that is just all. Even though you only describe Marq briefly, you did not describe Selena at all except that she was solemn. She is just as important as Marq in the story (although she seems more important) so we should at least get a good look as to what she looks like.

Also, how exactly were they solemn? Did they hardly show their emotions or act excited? Did they cut off from any person except themselves? Don’t forget to describe the surroundings because it also sets the story. Without it, the reader might be completely lost. Describe both the characters and the surroundings, start out your story with a bang, a hook that makes people want to read more.

Grammar/Spelling: Overall, this was good and one of your best sections. There were no spelling mistakes that I caught and it is obvious that this typed tight into the reply box. =p

Some things I want to point out, though:

It was silence.

It’s “silent”.

Marq was a ten year old with a deep passion with legendary Pokemon.

The correct word would be “for”.

He needed to research on this Pokemon.

Either you’re missing a “do” in between “to” and “research” or you wanted to say: “He needed to research this Pokemon.”.

Suddenly, Trapinch screamed really loud, which brought Marq almost practically deaf.

This half of the sentence is rather awkward. You can’t bring someone deaf and “almost practically” sounds redundant. One of them would do well. Somewhere along these lines would make better sense: “Suddenly, Trapinch screamed loudly which made Marq practically deaf.”

Really, the only problem I saw was that some sentences were worded weirdly. Look over your story and read your sentences aloud because ears catch what reading misses. ;)

Length: Actually, your story is barely 6K. =x Checking your characters is always better than assuming you got enough characters. Bringing out your plot, elaborating it to make it interesting, can remedy this pretty quickly.

Description/Detail: You had description but most of it was pretty blunt and dull. Describing things isn’t enough, you have to describe while still making the story interesting to read. Instead of saying something is certain color, maybe you can use a simile or a metaphor or spice things up. Instead of saying, “His hair was brown.” you could say, “His hair was brown as Noctowl’s feathers under the shadows of the night.”. You’re saying the same thing but by comparing the color to something else, you’re making it more interesting to read.

I saw the Pokemon very briefly but I didn’t even get a faint picture as to what Lilycove or the house look like. Surroundings are just as important as the characters, never forget that. We want to see what’s around the characters other than just seeing the characters. Describe how big the house was, the colors of the walls or the air that drifted through. Was the house silent or was the air conditioning rattling so that a faint buzz would be heard?

To summarize it, describe both the characters and the surroundings in fuller detail. Not just their clothing or hair but their feelings and expressions. Don’t just tell us they are in a hosue and get it over it, describe each room they go into from the walls to the floor. At the moment, I don’t want you to describe every minuscule crack and wrinkle of their clothes; just give us a good picture without making it seem like a list.

Reality: First time I add this. XP Solarbeam was used, Double Edge cracked the wall, earthquake rattled the floor, and a scream that practically damaged Marq’s ears was heard and yet nobody came in to investigate? I know there are people who are heavy sleepers but I think I would wake up if my house was falling apart. XP

Battle:/ This was about ¾ of your story. It was long but a bit one-sided at times, I can’t really see Trapinch taking out both a Prinplup and a Raticate by using attacks that may drain him of energy.

If there wasn’t a particular reason as to why this Trapinch is stronger than a normal one, tone him down a few notches. it’s good to make the Pokemon you going for a worthy opponent but making him so powerful that he can use powerful attacks to take down two Pokemon it’s a bit unrealistic.

Also, I really couldn’t see any of the attacks that were being used. How did Earthquake look like? What about Double Edge? You should describe attacks just as you do people and surroundings. Overall, it makes the story better and the battle more exciting other than just letting the people imagine the attacks. Describe as the attack is being released, the effects of it and how it effected their surroundings. The color of it and the sound it made can also spice it up.

Lastly, Trapinch slept for one turn and it quickly woke up good as new? O.o If you’re going to make him use some kind of Rest, at least make him vulnerable as he is sleeping so it doesn’t as things are going his way too much.

Outcome: Your started out good but the story quickly became boring and nothing but a battle. You were short 4K of the minimum and your description was little. Sorry but I’m going to have to say: Trapinch not captured! Add enough length, add description to both characters and surroundings, and bring out the plot so that it’s exciting and vibrant. Do this and this little bug thing is yours. =)

- Kat

Shozuka
03-14-2008, 10:51 PM
Kk, I will edit when I have the time to. Currently I'm working on two other stories. :x