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View Full Version : Flip, Flop, Shock


No1Inparticular
03-09-2008, 12:07 AM
Pokemon Wanted: Magikarp
Difficulty: Easiest
Characters Needed: 3000-5000
Characters Without Spaces: 4500
Character With Spaces: 5531

http://i26.tinypic.com/2d99ywx.png



One fine Saturday, in the town of Himiri, a young boy named Josh, was lying on a sparkling beach, with an incredibly clean and crystal blue sea, with his good friend, and recently captured Pokemon, Marill.

Himiri was a small little town, it had many houses with views of the sparkling, blue sea, few shops, and a Pokemon Centre like most towns.

Josh got up and grabbed a bag off a ledge behind him, Josh was small, had light blonde hair, and often wore shorts with a small Pokeball design on the right knee.
Josh reached into his bag and pulled out two small tubs, in one, some biscuits, and in the other, Pokemon food. He called out to Marill who was running in and out of the waves, Marill, who was blue with a white belly, and could be easily mistaken for a ball, except ball’s don’t have large red ears, feet and arms, came running over and started nibbling at the Pokemon food.

“Heads up!” yelled a voice from down near the sea. Josh quickly got up and avoided an oncoming Frisbee, “thanks man” said a rather cool looking boy, wearing a black top with a flame down the side, a backwards hat, and sunglasses.

“Names Tyson, but Ty is cool with me.” Ty said with a grin, he bent over to grab the Frisbee, then he looked up and said, “that your Marill?”
Max looked over near an umbrella and seen his Marill playing with a small and very green Treecko, Treecko had a large and green, swirled tail, the green was the colour of grass, “Yeah.” Max replied with his eyes still on Marill and Treecko. “Don’t worry, Treeky won’t hurt him. He is mine by the way.”

“Treeky.” Yelled Ty, and Treecko came over in a flash, followed by Marill.

“Hey Josh, do you want to battle?” asked Ty.

“I would, but Marill is weak against grass type moves.” Exclaimed Josh.

“Hmm, I’ll make it fair then, Treeky can’t use any grass type moves, okay?”

The two boys walked to a deserted area of the beach, both of them being followed by there respective Pokemon.

“Okay, it’s one on one, time to shine Treeky” Ty said.
Treeky walked out in front of Ty and waited for a command.

“Okay” said Ty, “use razor lea…Try a quick attack.”

Treeky ran straight at Marill and rammed Marill right in the belly,

“Okay Treeky, jump up and hit it with a pound.” Yelled Ty, but while Treeky was in the air, they heard an odd, girlish scream.

“Help!” Yelled the girl “Help me please.”

Treeky stopped his attack in mid-air and Treeky, Ty, Josh and Marill all looked out to sea to see a young girl in a small wooden boat.

Ty focused his eyes and then quickly yelled out to Josh “Follow me quick!” Ty ran back to the umbrella that Marill and Treecko were playing under and grabbed a Pokeball out from his bag, then threw it into the air over the sea. “Come pick us up Otto.” A Pidgeotto flew down from the Pokeball, Ty, Josh, and their two Pokemon, jumped onto the back of Otto and flew over to the boat. Max, Ty, and the Pokemon jumped off, “Whats wrong?” asked Ty, “That ugly thing jumped into my boat” replied the young girl.

Ty looked down and seen an orange fish, strangely with whiskers lying on the floor of the boat, a Magikarp to be precise.

“Oh, that’s a Magikarp, harmless until they evolve.” Ty picked up the Magikarp and threw it into the sea.

Josh threw up his Pokeball to reveal his Pidgeotto and jumped onto it’s back. “You coming?” said Ty, “not at the moment” said Josh.

Ty flew off with his Treecko.

Josh looked down to his Marill and said, “that Magikarp is mine, Gyarados will be perfect on my team.”

Magikarp was jumping up and down quite fast, Max said to Marill “Use water gun, now.” A jet of water streamed out of Marill’s mouth and went straight past Magikarp then the Magikarp slid over and hit Marill out of the boat with a tackle.

Marill got up from under the water just before Magikarp was in mid-air from a splash attack, “Headbutt quick” yelled Max who was now turned around looking out of the boat. Marill quickly moved out of the way of the oncoming Magikarp, climbed back onto the boat, and jumped off the edge hurling Magikarp into the water with it’s Head.

Josh looked amazed that the Magikarp was still moving, so he called out to Marill, “Use Quick Attack now!”

Marill turned around to face Magikarp and quickly started swimming at Magikarp. Just before Marill was about to hit Magikarp, it moved out of the way, leaving Marill confused.

Suddenly, from behind Marill, Magikarp unleashed a tackle attack, knocking Marill into the side of the boat.

Magikarp began splashing speedily and moving towards Marill. “Look out!” screamed Josh, who was trying to warn Marill about the oncoming Magikarp. Magikarp was on his final splash and starting to fall head first onto Marill. Marill quickly acted, either faking it’s injury, or by hearing Josh. Marill swam forward, just behind Magikarp and jumped up knocking Magikarp skywards with a Headbutt. As Magikarp was falling, Marill let out another blast of water aimed straight at Magikarp, but this one was larger and thicker, a Hydro Pump. Marill newly learnt move sent Magikarp spiralling up into the air again, this time landing hard in the boat.

Magikarp lied in the boat, not moving, breathless, crosses replaced its eyes.

“Cool, now to try and catch it.” Said Josh with a grin on his face, he grabbed an empty Pokeball from out of his bag and threw it into the air, Marill released a Bubblebeam at the bottom of the Pokeball, forcing the Pokeball to come down slowly, eventually landing on the fallen Magikarp.

The Pokeball let out one bright red flash, two flashes…

Leman
04-06-2008, 06:22 PM
:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO

*claims*

EDIT:

>_> I typed this damn grade up twice. My internet spazzed, and it died. >_> It happed twice Dx

Plot:

Josh, takes his Marill to the beach. He quickly battles a guy with a Treeko. Before its finished, he heres a scream. They investigate, and find that a girl has been scared be a Magiakarp. Josh tries to catch it.

Well its fine. I don't like the 'Damsel in Distress' plot. Its old and chiche(<--accent)'d. It was jumpy and choppy. It was confusing as well. You kept on switching the owner of Pidgeotto. Reread the story, and you would have caught those mistakes.

The story moves quickly from scene to scene as well. That probably will be fixed with more writing, but it needs mention.

Since the plot is pretty original, and not a 'Kid goes fishing to find a Magikarp' story, I'll applaud you on that.

Introduction:

Normally, in an introduction, theres a good description on the characters. All what you said was " small, blond and wearing shorts." Even though this is just for a Magikarp, you need a bit more than that. Lots of people are short an blond, but they don't all look the same. There are different shades of blond, that you can mention.

You will also need to give me some sort of back story on why he was there, and who he was, as well as a bit on the beach he was at. What did the beach look like? You need to tell us all.

Grammar/Spelling:

I probably should just leave this blank and tell you read the previous grade I gave you. Almost all the things I pointed out there apply here. You still didn't write out your numbers like I had said, or fix up the quotes I had said. You didn't even click on the link (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445) I gave you. Only thing that's different is that you aren't using commas where periods anymore, (For the most part. I still saw a couple.)

Read both sections, and then reread your entire story. I'll even give you a link to it:D: (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1986848#post1986848)

Don't capitalize random words, like 'flashes' either, and capitalize the first word in a sentence even if its a sentence in a quote.

Length:

4k is fine.

Details:

Odd, I yelled at you about not having any details in the last grade too. I would have expected you to acctually remember that now that you are writing another story.

YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING!!!!!

It will make your stories a lot better. You don't need too many details for simple and easy level mons, but you need a good, healthy amount for anything higher. About three-four times as much as this.

Reality:

Real enough. You have other things to fix, before I rant about this. :O

Battle:

Short, boring, and badly described. Just like the last one.

This can apply to this story just as well.
Also, you should never, ever say something like "Arcanine used Fire Blast, and it hit." You should describe the attacks thoroughly. Tell me exactly what they looked like, so the reader wont have to keep guessing at what you mean. It'll lengthen up your battles as well. In this there were only a couple attacks.

Even though this is a Magikarp, it gets Tackle, and Flail. It can get an attack in. Plus, its not being knocked out in two hits. Those two attacks wouldn't even take out half of the Magikarp's health in an actual battle. You need to make it longer, and less boring.

Outcome:

I want you to go back and reread both grades. I spent a lot of time typing these up, to help you catch your Pokemon. I'd appreciate if you acctually bothered to look at it and keep some of the stuff I told you to help you. =/

Magikarp Not Captured!! You can PM me for a regrade, but I seriously want you to acctually look through my grades this time. Sorry if I was harsh.