PDA

View Full Version : Discovering the Waterfront


Ninja TK
03-12-2008, 12:29 AM
Discovering the Waterfront
Chapter 1: Buizel Your Way Out of This One!

Characters:
7898
Pokemon:
Buizel

The sunset was beautiful. It painted images of pink, light orange, and a purple-ish color in the background. These magnificent colors glimmered off of the crystal clear lake water. Lucario and I simply stared at the scenery and its beauty.

"Well, this sure does seem like the perfect way to start off our adventure, don't you think?" I asked with a smile on my face.

Lucario nodded and we proceeded to the forest. The forest was full of wondrous creatures of all types, from water to fighting, they were all here. The lush green bushes were perfect for grass pokemon to run and play in. Then there was the lake. It was huge and filled with water types! It also had the clearest water I have ever seen. Then suddenly, just to interupt the calmness of the moment, my rival, Jason, appeared challenging me to another battle.

"Jason, this is rediculous. Aren't you tired of losing already?"

"I'm not losing this time TK! This will be a two on two battle." He declared sending out his Pokemon.

A savage Gyarados came flying out of the spherical ball. I sighed and sent out my own Pokemon, Electivire. I motioned for him to make the first move. Jason commanded his Gyarados to use Dragon Dance to bring up his attack. I chose to put him on his guard and keep on the offensive.

"Electivire, use Ice Punch!"

Electivire's fist then began to glow a light blue color, then freezing over to make a hard, chilling impact on the Gyarados. Gyarados fell back a bit; the attack did quite a bit of damage. Out of rage Gyarados quickly attacked using Hyper Beam.

"NO! Electivire, you have to dodge that!" I shouted.

Electivire moved as fast as it could, but was still in range of the Hyper Beam. The beam hit Electivire, but not head on. Only half of the beam made contact, making it half as powerful. The beam struck Electivire on the left knee. He wasn't able to move as fast at all. Gyarados was exhausted and needed to charge up from the lost attack. Now was my chance.

"Electivire, get in there and use Ice Punch! Then top it off with Thunder Punch!"

The thunder type did as told and landed two devastating blows, leaving the Gyarados unconscious. I had won the first round, but it isn't over yet. He chose to send out Hippowdon, a giant hippopotamus. The hippo then moved in to use Crunch on Electivire. I told Electivire to let it bite him, then to use Ice Punch. Electivire executed the move perfectly. Hippowdon crunched onto Electivires left arm, making Electivire realize he needed to strike. Electivire pounded on the hippo several times with Ice Punch, exhausting them both. Hippowdon then stood back, breathing heavily, just like Electivire. I'm not sure how much more he can take.

"Come on, Electivire! Finish Hippowdon with one last Ice Punch!"

"Not so fast! Hippowdon, use Sand Tomb!"

A veil of sand surged out of the ground, consuming Electivire's legs and half of its body. It completely stopped Electivire from moving. The ground then started to tremble. Hippowdon was using Earthquake! If the attack landed Electivire would faint. Electivire struggled to get free, but was unable to escape the sand trap. The Earthquake hit hard and made the thunder type Pokemon faint.

"Come back, Electivire. You deserve a good rest. Let's go Pidgeot! Finish him off!"

The red light disappeared revealing a big bird Pokemon. Pidgeot bolted off toward the Hippowdon using a fierce Air Slash and managed to land a hard blow and make the Hippowdon flinch. With the slight pause on Hippowdon's part, due to the flinch, Pidgeot struck with a high speed Wing Attack to finish it off.

"It looks like my Pokemon have failed me yet again. I'll be back to take care of you some other day, TK." He said as he left into the forest.

"What is with that guy? Oh well. Great job Pidgeot!" I smiled as I recalled him to it's pokeball. "I need to get Electivire to a Pokemon Center."

I then set off into the forest, searching for the right way to the Pokemon Center. I kept hearing a rustling noise in the bushes, but when I turned, nothing was there.

"Ah, it's just the wind. Nothing to worry about," I would tell myself.

But in reality, I knew something was there. I decided to investigate this neucense. I peered back behind the bush that I heard noise from earlier and I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a cute little water type; Buizel. It had been watching me while I was battling me.

"Hi there, Buizel," I smiled, "can I help you?"

It nodded and then acted like it wanted a battle. The Buizel was so full of energy!

"Alright then. Here it comes!" I announced, throwing out a Pokeball.

The crisp red light cleared and left standing, a blue dog-like Pokemon.

"Lucario, attack with Aura Sphere!"

The fighting Pokemon started to charge energy. A surge of water was sent toward Lucario by the rivaling Buizel. Lucario was caught off guard and hit hard by the Water Gun. Buizel quickly attacked again, and again, leaving Lucario no time to react.

This Buizel is giving Lucario a real hard time. We need to find a way to get around this. I thought to myself. "That's it! Lucario, maneuver around through the trees! It can't hit you if it can't get around the obstacles!"

Lucario did as told and started to jump in and out of the lush green trees. The aquatic weasel's accuracy went down tremendously! Lucario attacked successfully over, and over, but still the Buizel proved to be a formidable opponent. The Water Type Pokemon simply dodged by jumping into the clear blue water. Lucario wasn't a water type, nor did he have the ability to fight under water.

"Lucario, use your Extreme Speed to bring up some of that water!" I shouted, impatiently.

Lucario bolted down the tallest tree, gaining a massive amount of speed. Once at the bottom, Lucario proceeded to the water. Water was flying everywhere, glistening from the glow of the moonlight; a truly magnificent sight. Majority of the water had been cleared out from the speedy move. All that was left was ankle-deep.

"Now then, Lucario, use Close Combat! Let's see how good it can be up close and personal."

Lucario's fists started to glow a vibrant brown as it closed in for the attack. Buizel, stunned, was unable to avoid the devastating move. Fists were sent flying, sending a great deal of damage Buizel's way. Buizel was still up and fighting!

"Lucario, that last move sure did tire you out. Come back. You deserve a good rest." I said with a smile, "Now then, for my next Pokemon I should use a type advantage. Electivire? No, that's a little overboard. Wait, I have just the thing!"

A Pokeball was sent soaring through the air. The red beam cleared and a visual of a small cat-like Pokemon could be seen. Meowth used Fake Out, causing the Buizel to flinch. The cat then attacked with a ferocious ThunderBolt, causing great damage on the Buizel. Static then began emitting from the weasel's body. It had been paralyzed. Buizel encased itself in water and tried to use Aqua Jet, but was unable to move due to paralysis. Meowth used another jolt of lightening bound for the water creature. Buizel quickly countered by using Swift, causing an minor explosion. Meowth flew toward the Buizel swinging its arms, claws extended, in fury. Buizel jumped back but was unable to move again due to paralysis. The creature was panting hard. It couldn't last too much longer.

"Meowth, use Screech to distract it! Then one more Thunderbolt!" I commanded to the cat Pokemon.

Meowth let out a great noise making Buizel forget what it was doing to cover its ears. Meowth's whiskers and tail then glowed a bright yellow as it charged for the final blow. The cat then unleased a ton of electricity flying at the Buizel. Buizel didn't notice the attack due to Screech and was hit dead on by the massive amount of electricity. I then threw a Pokeball. It shook. 1...2...3...

The Jr Trainer
03-13-2008, 12:34 AM
Story/Plot:
Pretty flat story; was really just straight through, which is okay, but tends to make a short story too. Adding just about anything that you can to make the story more full, and exciting can really make the story well… exactly that. More exciting! Remember though, as I see you have, quality > quantity. You did have a substantial amount of goodness in this story, but it seemed like not enough. Add something more to the story, though the ‘adding’ should go with the flow of the story, and not completely ruin the story and its own being.

I can see you have good potential, but your story was just kind of run through, you didn’t seem to take time on it at all; add something onto it, make it the best it can be. Not just some stick in the mud story, make it stick out of the mud, not stuck in the mud… in other words, add something more on, that is really all I can stress with this. Maybe making the plot a bit more complex can help with this too, but after all its just a Buizel. :P

Introduction:
There wasn’t really one at all. Describing the beginning of the story can help later on, tell us (readers) about the people, and Pokemon and things in the story, not just that the sun was setting. Really, it can make a story or break a story. Pretend as if the reader has never seen, hear, or felt anything in their life, they need a full out description of how everything looks, and feels, acts, all those things put together can make the story extremely great.

Grammar/Spelling:
I didn’t see anything with my horrid grammar seeing eyes. @_@ Good job here, continue on with this and don’t forget to go over your story with a spell checker AND your own eyes. Spell checkers don’t pick out those nasty grammar mistakes that we humans make, only your eyes (or someone else’s…) can find those mistakes and fix them. ^^;

Length:
Ehh, this could be a bit longer. Elaborate on the plot and make all the concepts of the story longer and more detailed. Don’t forget to take time too; quality > quantity!

*Also, if you could put something at the top or bottom saying how long the story is and what Pokemon your going for, it make my (and the other graders' jobs easy Dx). Thanks. :3

Detail:
This you seem to excel in, you really bring out the best in a story; but only really the surroundings, you didn’t seem to describe the characters at all, add a lot more description into the characters and it can really make the story be a lot easier to understand and see how people move. The characters could be seen as old, crippled people that have a hard time walking, or the total opposite, extremely athletic people. Personality can help also, in some parts of some stories. Not only looks matter, that is something to really stress. Looks can be deceiving, you can describe someone as a total nice looking person, but they really aren’t on the inside.

Surroundings, you really seem to be able to excel on describing these, the sun, the planet, the earth; it was all very well described here, make me able to see the whole landscape at its best, don’t forget about the other parts of the story though, as you seemed to have this time around. ^^;

Battle:
This was short, and pretty boring to me. :/ The battle should be at least a good 2k characters long, or at least 1k characters. Add in some more attacks, let each Pokemon get a good work out in the battle, if you have to then add in other Pokemon. Maybe the wild one is really, really strong and the other one can’t seem to keep up and it faints. So many things can happen in a battle. And don’t forget that there IS a surrounding, use it to one of the Pokemon’s advantages; maybe even both of them use it as an advantage and it turns into a really tough fight. The battle can be extremely good or extremely bad, which is what they usually are. Most battles aren’t in the middle.

Final Outcome:
Sorry to say, but this story wasn't really good enough. You had a good amount of detail, but that wasn't enough; add in some more onto the battle. Don't forget to put an introduction, everything can be a little bit better. So, for now. Buizel not captured... And sorry for the short grade. :x

---

Re-grade!!

You added length, battle, introduction; everything I wanted you to add. It is a very good story now. ^_^ Keep up the good work, and make sure all your stories start like this now, instead of having to be re-graded. xP

Buizel captured!!

Ninja TK
03-14-2008, 02:19 AM
The cool air seeped through TK's blond hair as he stood there amazed. The crimson sphere clicked; Buizel was captured! Thoughts of excitement were running through TK's mind. He then decided to run to the nearest Pokemon Center to heal his Pokemon, along with his newly caught Buizel. TK was half way to the Pokemon Center when he realized, it is 1:00 A.M., the Center won't be open. TK then pulled out his little red tent, put his black sleeping bag (covered with Pokeballs) down, and called it a night.

Golden rays of sunlight pierced through the stitching of the net on the tent, waking TK up. TK sat up in his sleeping bag and rubbed all the sleep out of his eyes. He noticed something was different about the tent, but couldn't figure out what. He then got dressed, putting on his blue jeans, black shirt with long red sleeves, and last hist red cap. After eating breakfast, the shocking truth hit him. The thing that was different is there was only one Pokeball on his belt! TK immeadiately started to freak out, until he noticed the footprints that lead both to and from his tent. It was his only lead. His only hope to find his Pokemon is to heal the one remaining and search down the culprit.

****

"Here is your Pokemon, TK." Nurse Joy said happily as she handed me the Pokeball.

"Thank you, Nurse Joy. Say, do you know what Pokemon is in here? I didn't check before I gave it to you."

"Why yes, it is one fine Buizel." Nurse Joy nodded.

I left the Pokemon Center. A little cloudy, but still beautiful. The sun was high in the sky, light breeze every now and then, this is the way it should always be! Well, since it's a pretty day, I should get down to business and search for my Pokemon. My best bet is to trace those footprints by the tent and hope that leads me somewhere.

TK set off toward where he had set up camp. He arrived noticing the footprints right away. The prints lead to a river within the forest.