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Linoone
03-15-2008, 01:15 AM
OK, btw, Hajimemashite means, "Nice to meet you."

And this has 1 curse word. =x

The ragged, big, selfish trainer walked patiently towards a dark alley filled with small bushes and some old writing on the wall. He was supposed to buy a Pichu, even if it was illegal. A small, crooked old voice echoed through the alley, saying, "'Ello, there, person. Are you the one to buy his little stron-. . .erm . . ." his mind focused on that ****** runt.

"It's a wonderful Pokemon!"

"Shut up," replied the trainer.

"You are quite mean!"

The mysterious trainer grabbed a Pokeball, a little lower than his torso.

"I want that!!" he pointed to a small, little rat-like thing. It's cheeks sprang sparks toward the small, but hard, case made of glass. The Pichu started to hit the inside of the chamber. Without any effort, the Pokemon gave up. It's head lowered and it's face seemed to shine from the sun's glaring to it's tears.

"It's 3-0-0-k, sir," the thief merchant said.

"THREE-HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!!!!!" the trainer screamed.

"Sir, this a rare Pokemon. And it's attacks are wonderful!" he reasoned.

"Let him out, I want to see his attacks," the angry trainer smirked.

The thief's hands approached the glass container, and it pushed a blow of air around the bottom. Pichu took in much air toward it's face. It also spread it's arms and legs, as if it just woke up from a long sleep.

"Do your attacks," the trainer ordered.

It frowned toward the smiling thief, counting his green, dirty money.

Pichu hugged it's head and unleashed a mighty roar in the sky. Clouds ran through the dark sky, with Pichu's cheeks sparking with orange-like, bolting electricity.

"PPPPPIIIIIICCCCCCHHHHUUUUU" Pichu yelled like a yeti, getting attacked by a god.

A fierce wind flew through the air and a slash of electricity, in the middle of the wind, hit Pichu, and everything around it. The ground was blasted so hard, it sank about four feet in the ground after the Thunder attack.

"Amazing, isn't it?" the merchant smiled.

"Not good enough," the aggressive trainer stormed through the grass of the torn-down city.

"Well little one. Looks like we must still travel." the merchant frowned, grabbing Pichu to put back into the chamber. The little rat squirmed, and managed to escape the grasp of his hands.

It struck the ground with a flash of it's feet and ran through the city, hitting almost anything.

"Pi-Pichu!" It growled when it hit a little, hopping Hoppip.

"Oh, so sorry little Pichu," the Hoppip replied, as in saying in Pokemon Language.

Pichu shoved his shoulders up and clenched his fists. It kept walking until it found upon an abandoned house.

I should sleep here, the Pichu thought.

It tip-toed through the oddly flowing wind in the hallway of the house. Pichu came across a door that had the words, "Hajimemashite, Pichu" scratched all over it. Pichu sprang a small spark to unlock the door and leaped on the door-knob. Pichu lowered it's head, to make part of it un-balanced, so that the door-knob would spin, opening the door. Pichu stared at the gloomy person laying on the bed.

"Hello."

Pichu started shaking it's body, moving backwards slowly.

"Don't leave, little one!" The gloomy person gleamed.

The door furiously shut, spitting strong wind, knocking Pichu over.

"By the way, little one, I am not a ghost. I wandered into here, looking for another Pokemon. I haven't caught a Pokemon in many years!" she cried.

Pichu cocked it's head, wandering why she went in here.

"Pichu, will you help me look for one in this house?" she added.

Pichu centered it's focus on it's mind, while the girl thinking Pichu was unconscious. Um . . .she kind creeps me out, but she needs help. I must help her, Pichu thought.

Then, Pichu went back to normal and struck it's face at the crying, little girl.

"Pichu-Pichu!" it smiled.

The girl grabbed Pichu, and threw it into the air. She smiled and closed her eyes, so tears couldn't come out anymore. She swirled in circles with Pichu. Then, after the danced for a few minutes, which seemed like hours to Pichu, the girl guided Pichu toward the vast, empty living room.

"OK, Pichu, you ready?" she grabbed a Pokeball, hanging off her belt on her waist.

Pichu was confused. It stared at the girl, standing on the other side of the room, as in a battle stance. Pichu just kept quiet.

"Go! Squirtle!" the girl yelled, chucking a small Pokeball, which popped open a small, blue turtle.

"Use Water Gun, Squirtle" she oredered.

Pichu rushed in the air, as i speed of light, and hopped on Squirtle's back. It, blew a head slamming tackle that knocked Squirtle through the room. Squirtle lowered it's head, and raised it's arms. The brave turtle stepped back with it's right foot, and rushed toward Pichu. Pichu focused it's energy to use a Double Team. A small amount of clones, which was three, spread through the room. Squirtle glided through one of the clones, which was i the middle, and then bounced off a couch, and dust flew off that, making Squirtle choke a little. The other clone was blurred as Squirtle ran through that also. then the real Pichu clenched it's fist and roared. A ferocious cloud arose right above the stair-case and a flashing light that almost blinded the girl. The Thunder attack hit Squirtle and knocked over four picture frames. The little creature sighed with relief.

"Squirtle! Use the secret attack you know!' the girl cuffed her hands to overlay the sound of the echoing Thunder.

Squritle smirked his mouth and pulled in his arms. Then he pulled in his legs and all they're was, was Squritle's shell. It sped to Pichu hitting it and slamming it in the wall, blowing a rush of dust around the room.

Squirtle flopped out it's foot and tipped it toward Pichu. The turtle then leaped off of Pichu and swung it's fist back.

"MEEEGGGGAAAA PUNNNNNCCCHHHH!!!!!!" It roared in Pokemon Language.

A blast of white light grasped the middle of Pichu's stomach, twisting it around. Pichu's eyes bulged out, and spit out blood violently.

"Hope you're OK, little one," the girl worried.

She grasped a Pokeball that lay on the dusty, bug infested floor.

"Ew."

She threw the Pokeball into the air a few times, spitting out rapidly, "So, Pichu, have you yet noticed tat you're the Pokemon that I am going to try to catch?"

Pichu raised it's head and stared at the girl, lipping her exact words.

She finally threw the red, dusty Pokeball toward the helpless, little, lovable rat. It hit Pichu on the tip of it's foot, and the Pichu was thrown into the Pokeball. It turned and flew red lights one time, then another, and . . .


Going For; Pichu
Characters; 6551
Characters Needed; 5k-10k
Difficulty; um . . .forgot. Let me check pl0x.

Phantom Kat
03-22-2008, 03:37 AM
I is a procrastinator. D=

Plot: A trainer goes into an alleyway to illegally buy a Pokemon. However, after he finds that the price is much too high, he stalks off. The seller is putting back Pichu in its glass prison when Pichu makes a run for it and wanders into a city. Eventually, he comes to an abandoned house where he sees a little girl who needs help finding a Pokemon. Pichu agrees to help her but soon finds himself in a battle that he loses.

The plot itself was nice and good enough for Pichu. I certainly haven’t read about illegal Pokemon sells but I’m sure there are such things happening in the Pokemon world with all the shifty characters like Team Rocket. I do wonder how the girl knew Pichu was going to come since you didn’t mention her following him or anything of the sort. Always try your best to tie up all the loose ends of a plot by the end of the story (unless you’re going to continue the story and answer al unanswered questions later) which is especially important as you go for harder Pokemon.

Intro: After a trainer is angered by how much a shifty seller is offering his Pichu for, he storms off. When the seller is trying to put Pichu into its glass chamber, Pichu escapes.

The intro was so-so. It opened up well and you told us what was happening but I couldn’t see the characters nor the surroundings very well. Even though the seller and the trainer are supposed to be shifty, not the main characters and whatnot, we should at least get some kind f picture for them. Their height, hair color, the kinds of the clothes they wore, even their eye color can give us a good picture. You could expand on the “dark alley with writing on the wall” to really give is a feel of the surroundings, how dirty and ghetto-y it was.

Grammar/Spelling: This area was very shaky. There were a couple of grammatical mistakes but what made this story kind of hard to read was your wording. First: the grammar:

Then, Pichu went back to normal and struck it's face at the crying, little girl.

This was the mistake I saw throughout your story. “It’s” is “it is” but you mean the possessive form. The form you are looking for is “its” without the apostrophe. Please keep that in mind.

"Use Water Gun, Squirtle" she oredered.

It’s “ordered”. Several words were misspelled in your story, use Spell Check and read over your story afterwards.

Then he pulled in his legs and all they're was, was Squritle's shell.

Here, you are saying “they are”. Instead, it should “there”. You don’t need the second “was” nor the comma.

Okay, now for the awkward wording:

"Don't leave, little one!" The gloomy person gleamed.

“Gleamed” is when something shines or shows light so I don’t think the girl shined brightly if she is gloomy. Exactly how did she gleam?

"Oh, so sorry little Pichu," the Hoppip replied, as in saying in Pokemon Language.

I think you are trying to say “as if” but then, it still wouldn’t make sense since the Hoppip is speaking in Pokemon language.

Squritle smirked his mouth and pulled in his arms.

It would sound better if you just said “Squirtle smirked” because someone can’t really “smirk” something, if you know what I mean.

"THREE-HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!!!!!"

Too many exclamation marks makes it look messy and the fact that the exclamation is in caps already tells us he’s screaming, one exclamation mark is enough if someone is really, really angry surprised or angry, I think the max should be three; everybody wants their stories to look as professional as possible.

"It's 3-0-0-k, sir," the thief merchant said.

Why did you put hyphens? “300K” is correct.

Length: This was good, nice job. =3

Description/Detail: This, like your introduction, was so-so. You had snippets of good description here and there like “dirty, big infested floor” and your detail was good with showing the expressions of the trainer, seller, and the girl but most of your story was lacking description. What did Pichu look like, what about the girl? Every character in your story should be described and the main ones like he girl and Pichu even more so. I didn’t see the city that Pichu ran through nor the Hoppip he bumped into. What about the abandoned house, was a two-story building with the woods rotting and the fence rusting?

Use all of your senses to describe the characters and the surroundings. Write exactly what you see and even the smallest details like how the girl’s face was smudged with dirt or how her hair was tangled can help paint you a good picture. Remember, it’s better to have too much description than too little.

Battle: The battle was good though a tad confusing at times with how some of your sentences were worded. The attacks were described somewhat, good enough for a Simple Pokemon. Just remember to describe them in color, in their feel, everything you can imagine. Incorporate your surroundings more, they can use furniture to attack to hide behind. Maybe Pichu ran around the house and led Squirtle in a mad chase.

Two things, though: 1) Squirtle can’t learn Mega Punch, the closest is TM Focus Punch. 2) I doubt that the punch would cause Pichu to spit blood in a violent manner, it wasn’t like he got punched by a Tyranitar.

Outcome: It was borderline since the plot was nice with that little twist but at the end, I have to say: Pichu not captured! Fix up your grammar, including the awkward sentences, and add more description to both the surroundings and the characters. Do that and I’ll award you with the cute little rodent. =)

- Kat