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Stinky
03-15-2008, 01:20 PM
I watched in horror as yet another one of my Pokemon was batted down by the fierce Garchomp. It pulled its large navy blue head back and roared, which was an intimidating sight. Behind it, a young woman giggled. “Teehee, I just LOVE it when I get a critical hit with Slash. It’s just so fun!”

I frowned, and pulled out a Pokeball. I pointed at the large chicken Pokemon that lay on the ground, panting heavily. “Ludicolo, good job. Come back!” I yelled, and Ludicolo was immersed in a red light. Pulling out another Pokeball, I flung it to the middle of the field. “Froslass, come on out!” I yelled. The Pokeball broke open.

Appearing on the field was a Pokemon that looked like a very timid little girl, except for the fact that this little girl was made of snow and ice. I grinned. “May, I hope you don’t think that you can just hax away at Froslass; she’s much tougher than she looks,” I teased.

May laughed. “Oh really? Well then, Garchomp, use Fire Fang!”

At her command, the jet dragon rushed forward towards my ice Pokemon, its mouth filling with fire. “Froslass, dodge and use Powder Snow!” I ordered. Froslass cleanly moved away from the attack, and took in a deep breath. As Garchomp passed by her, she exhaled, pushing a blast of cold air out at the dragon. I grinned, as Garchomp would surely faint from this attack…

Although I was wrong as the attack seemed to skate off of Garchomp’s body as it jumped at Froslass, the fire still in its mouth. I could only watch as it clamed down on Froslass. Froslass gave a cry of pain, and then shimmered away to a spot not to far from where Garchomp was. Her eyes were firmly shut, and she had black scorch marks on her body. The gym smelled like something had burned, like after you start a fire.

May gave an enormous smile. “Well, what do you know! Froslass flinched, AND it burned Froslass. What a lucky girl I am!” she announced cheerfully. “Garchomp, finish her off with a Dragon Rush attack!”

Garchomp ran forward, and swung one of its mighty arms at Froslass. Froslass was flung against one of the walls of the gym, and slumped down, unconscious.

May winked at me. “Good game Michael, but next time, don’t mess with the Hax Queen.” She told me with a wink, and then headed off into some interior room of the Blackthorn City Gym.

Recalling Froslass to her ball, I angrily walked out of her gym. I was greeted by a cold mountain breeze as I walked outside. How did she do it? May seemed to hax in every single one of her battles. What was unlikely to happen was almost definite to happen.

I sighed, and walked off toward the large red and white building that was the Pokemon Center. I walked inside the sliding glass doors.

The room was fairly modern, with small cushioned benches lining the walls. In the middle of the room was a large desk, behind it sitting a woman with pink hair. I walked up to her and laid out my Pokeballs. “Good morning! Welcome to the Pokemon Center!” she chirped in a high-pitched squeaky voice. “We restore your tired Pokemon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokemon?”

“Sure?”

“OK, I’ll take your Pokemon for a few seconds,” she said, snatching the red and white balls off the counter, and putting them into some machine. Each of the spheres glowed white for a second, then went back to their normal color. Taking the Pokeballs out of the machine, she turned to me. “Thank you for waiting. We’ve restored your Pokemon to full health. We hope to see you again!” squeaked, bowing to me.

I speedily walked out of the door. She would not be seeing me again, with that creepy voice and speech. Sometimes, I had to wonder if those nurses were real, or just gingerbread man robots, all the same, all saying the same thing.

Shuddering slightly in the cool breeze, I couldn’t help but wonder what to do now. How would I defeat May Norman’s haxxing team? I needed a Pokemon that was strong enough to take out dragon types, but yet didn’t have any glaring weaknesses.

I thought of some possibilities as I wandered aimlessly around town. Gengar? No, I’d have to travel far. Weavile? Easily destroyed by Brick Break.

I sighed. Was there no Pokemon that could stop hax?

My train of thought let out a triumphant whistle. Murkrow. They were said to be very unlucky, but yet their skills proved otherwise. Also, more to my benefit, I could easily find one in the hills south of Blackthorn City. I grinned. For once today, things were finally looking up, in my favor. Turning towards the hills, I set out in search of a Murkrow.

~~~~

I shivered. Overhead, clouds darkened the sky as I searched through dead trees for the little black bird. It had still managed to elude me, and I was beginning to become desperate.

Around me, the long limbs of dead trees stretched up towards the sky, almost as if they were trying to grab the life from the sun. The cloudy gray sky swirled about ominously, threatening to rain on my head. The wind had that smell of dampness, when you know that rain is coming. Somewhere in the woods, I could hear Froslass singing to herself as she helped me search the woods.

Suddenly, her high-pitched shriek pierced the air and I ran to her aid. She was lying on the ground, and looked to be frightened. In front of her sat a small black bird, cackling. Its black hat bobbed back and forth as it laughed at her, its yellow beak clackering away.

I grinned at Froslass. We had finally found a Murkrow! “Froslass, use Icy Wind!” I ordered. The air around us grew cold as Froslass’s attack began. Suddenly though, Murkrow launched itself forward, swiping furiously with its wing. It hit Froslass cleanly across the face in its Sucker Punch attack.

“Frooos!” she screamed, and released her Icy Wind. The cold air rushed at Murkrow. It was blown back by the attack, and fell on the ground, limp. I laughed.

“That was almost too easy!” Froslass, finish it off with another Icy Wind!” I yelled, giddy that it had been so easy to take out Murkrow. As Froslass began to blow the wind at Murkrow, Murkrow disappeared. I looked around nervously. “Where did it go?”

A scream from Froslass told me the worst. Turning to look at Froslass, I saw Murkrow flying in to ram her with a Faint Attack. As it impacted her, she fell on the ground, her eyes swirling around. I growled. Murkrow had gotten a Critical Hit! I took out Froslass’s Pokeball. “Froslass, come back!” I said quietly, and she returned to her Pokeball in a flash of red light.

I grabbed another Pokeball from my belt, and flung it into the air. “Breloom, come on out!” I roared. Out of the Pokeball came a creature that reminded me of an anthropomorphic mushroom. He was dark green in color, with a tail protruding out of his backside. He had small arms coming out of his sides.

Breloom grinned. “Brell!” he shouted at Murkrow, trying to intimidate it.

“Breloom, use Spore!” I ordered. Breloom ran up to Murkrow, shaking his head. Out of it fell what looked like a powdery substance, which Murkrow inhaled. I could see Murkrow getting sleepy, and soon after, it fell onto the ground, asleep.

“Awesome job! Now use a Focus Punch!” I cheered. Breloom pulled one of his arms back as he charged up his attack. Murkrow’s eyes flew open and he flapped his wings to get airborne. “No!” I screeched. Murkrow dove at Breloom, spinning all the way in a Drill Peck attack. It hit Breloom, and Breloom fell onto his side, fainted from the powerful attack form the little Murkrow.

It cackled at me, as if to spite me, and then flew away into the woods. Around me a soft rain began to fall in the woods as I gloomily recalled Breloom. With two critical hits and sleep for a short time, I had just been haxxed by a Murkrow! I began my walk through the woods back to Blackthorn City, to heal my injured Pokemon.

~~~

As once again the lady behind the desk took my Pokeballs, and recited her creepy monologue, I thought about why I got haxxed by both May and the Murkrow. Was there some secret to haxxing?

I headed out of the Pokemon Center into the cold rain. I glanced at the Blackthorn City Gym and knew one thing—if I wanted to catch that Murkrow to beat May with, I’d have to fight fire with fire. I jogged towards the doors of the majestic gym, and slipped inside, out of the rain.

The battlefield sat in the middle of the large room, jagged rocks sticking up out of the dirt. It felt humid inside the gym, as May probably liked the weather a little warmer than it was now. Pillars stuck up towards the ceiling on the sides of the battlefield, some having large claw marks on them.

May had cleaned up after our earlier battle, and was now sitting in the middle of the battlefield, her fingers clicking on a laptop’s keyboard. She looked at me with a frown on her face. “What, you again? I suppose you’d want another battle with me then,” she said, closing the lid of her laptop.

“No,” I began. May’s frown went away quickly, and she now looked at me with no expression showing. “I want you to teach me how to hax,” I stated. May’s frown once again returned to her face.

“Michael, most people frown upon haxxing. I only get away with it because of my looks,” she said with a giggle. “But if you really want to, I can teach you,”

“Great!” I chirped, and sat down on the rugged gym floor, close to May.

“All right, haxxing is two things. Luck, and skill. Skill, although a minor part, is still needed,” May began, closing her eyes. “You need to use moves that have a high chance of an effect to start. Moves like Charge Beam work well, as well as moves with at least 30% chance of having an effect, like Thunder. Also, sleep is a good way to hax,”

“So really there’s no art to haxxing?” I asked impatiently. May looked at me, offended. “Why of course there is! You need to think that you can hax. And of course, having a haxxing buddy helps,” she said with a wink. “My Gengar is my main haxxor. She has many moves that annoy the opponent,”

“That’s something I forgot. Annoying your opponent. Raising your evasion or lowering their accuracy helps to annoy them. For some reason, an annoyed opponent seems to attract hax,” May told me quietly, as if people were listening to her words. “That’s pretty much it,” she said triumphantly.

“Now, why did you want to know how to hax? I hope you aren’t going to use it against me,” she said in a voice that sounded very calm, but underneath, I could sense that she was unsure of something.

“Well,” I began, “I went into the woods to find a Murkrow. I found one, but it haxxed me so much, it easily knocked out two of my Pokemon. I figured that then, I would need to hax it in return, in order to catch it,”

“Well, best of luck in catching it,” May told me. “I hope to see you back here later, once you’ve improved enough,” she said with a laugh. “Now flee; I want to get back to work on my story,” she ordered. I stood up and walked for the exit of the gym.

“Thank you May!” I yelled back at her. May shooed me away with a small wave of her hand.

~~~

Once again, I found myself out in the forest in the middle of the rain. Higher up in a tree, Froslass gazed around the dead forest for the Murkrow that we had encountered earlier. I wandered around between trees, knocking on the sides of them to see if they were hollow or if something was hiding in there. As I neared a tree, I could hear a creature sleeping inside of it. Finding a small hole in the tree, I peered in. In there, I could see a Murkrow, its eyes closed, sleeping peacefully.

I snuck away to Froslass’s tree, and shook it. She floated down cleanly, brushing the rain off of herself. “Fros?” she inquired, cocking her head to one side.

“I found the Murkrow, but he’s sleeping. Use a Hail attack to get us started,” I told her quietly. Froslass nodded, and gazed up at the sky.

“Froooooos!” she groaned. Suddenly, the cold raindrops turned into small pellets of hail, hitting Froslass and I. It hurt me slightly, but Froslass seemed to enjoy the weather. I beckoned for her to follow, and pointed in the tree where Murkrow was sleeping.

“Use Icy Wind,” I whispered to her. Froslass took in a deep breath, inhaling the cold air and some hail, and deeply exhaled. The blast of cold air pelted Murkrow, giving it a rude awakening.

“KROW!” It screamed, and dove out of its small hole. By now, the hail had picked up, and the stones were about the size of cherries. As Murkrow rushed at Froslass, it began to twirl in a Drill Peck attack. Froslass was unprepared, and Murkrow dove at her, screaming loudly. I jumped to the side, out of the way of the fearsome attack. Froslass seemed unafraid though, as she let Murkrow attack her.

Right before Murkrow hit Froslass, she sailed out of the way, leaving Murkrow twirling towards a tree trunk. It shot up quickly into the tree to prevent itself from hitting the trunk, and landed neatly on the tree. I grinned. Its attack had missed!

“Froslass, use an Ominous Wind!” I ordered. Around us, the area darkened. The trees groaned and creaked. A blast of air passed by me, toward Murkrow. Murkrow simply laughed, and dove down at Froslass. It smacked her with its wing, and she was flung against a tree. The dark area returned to normal as her attack ended.

I frowned. “All right Froslass, lets use this hail to our advantage. Blizzard!” I ordered. Froslass nodded. The hail began to fall more rapidly now, and soon, most of it rushing at Murkrow, threatening to envelop it. Murkrow fell back onto the ground, breathing heavily. I could tell it was using a Faint Attack, but if Froslass approached it, she would surely faint from its attack.

“Froslass, use Destiny Bond while going towards it!” I ordered. Froslass looked at me with fear in her eyes, but she understood my plan. She screamed, and cast her shadow at Murkrow. Murkrow suddenly jumped up from its position on the ground, and rammed her with its body. I watched as both Froslass and Murkrow fell back onto the ground, unconscious.

Grinning broadly, I pulled out a Pokeball. Pushing the button in the middle, I enlarged the Pokeball, and flung it at Murkrow. Murkrow began to glow in a red light, and then disappeared inside the Pokeball. Around me the hail fell as the Pokeball shook on the ground as Murkrow tried to break free.


For: Murkrow
Characters without spaces: 14109
COMPLETED

Phantom Kat
03-17-2008, 02:34 AM
I'm here and with a grade, SSBB wasn't so good tonight. D=

Plot: Michael is a trainer who just lost to the Blackthorn gym leader, May. Frustrated after the battle ended, he tries to figure out a way he can beat May’s haxxing ability. After going through a quick list of Pokemon, he finds the perfect one to counter her: Murkrow. However, after he finds one, it easily defeat him for it haxxed. Michael goes back to May who tells him a few tips about haxxing. With newfound confident, he goes back fight the Murkrow and after a battle that ends with Destiny Bond, he attempts to catch the Murkrow.

The plot was nice and it made me laugh. It still has the overused “trainer goes to search for a Pokemon” deal but the twists that you added made it original enough for a Medium Pokemon. All I suggest is that maybe you should provided some previous Michael vs. May battles, like maybe a flashback, to show how truly frustrated Michael is with haxxing. All in all, however, the plot was nice and good enough for the little black bird.

Introduction: Michael has lost to May due to her ability to hax in practically every battle. Frustrated and after a few moments of walking, he decides that a Murkrow could give him the edge in battle he needs.

You introduced the story and main character and surroundings somewhat which is nice. However, I couldn’t see Michael at all, I just imagined him from the pictures you’ve posted of yourself. Was he tall and lean with long blonde hair or was he short and chunky with a buzz cut? Sometimes it’s hard to describe the main character in first person but you can still describe him as the story goes along. Things like, “With a sigh, I swept my caramel-colored hair out of the way.” and “I screamed in frustration as my navy-blue jacket was torn by the Garchomp’s sharp claws.” can describe the characters instead of the character going into a monologue of themselves (which we all know, no-one does xD).

Another thing is that I didn’t see the gym nor Blackthorn City in the introduction. Was it a mountainous city or was it more of a valley with short trees? Was the gym grand with May’s picture everywhere? Describing the gym in the middle of the story doesn’t really do much good since the reader might have already formed their own idea of what the gym looks like. So remember for this section, we need to see the main characters (including May which, like Michael, I had no idea what she looked like) and the surroundings around them, take your time with the introduction because this is one of the most important sections.

Grammar/Spelling: This area was pretty good, I didn’t see any major mistakes or anything, maybe just a typo or two. One thing I need to point out:

“Thank you, May!”

You need a comma before “May”. Whenever one character addresses another in a story, a comma is needed in front of the name of the character that is being addressed. This is also true for Pokemon’s names, as well. So:

“All right, Froslass, lets use this hail to our advantage. Blizzard!”

A comma is also needed here because Michael is addressing Froslass.

Although I was wrong as the attack seemed to skate off of Garchomp’s body as it jumped at Froslass, the fire still in its mouth.

This sentence confuses me. I think you mean something like:

Although it seemed I was wrong. The attack seemed to skate off Garchomp’s body as it jumped at Froslass, the fire in its mouth.

Also, you don’t need “of” in your sentence, “Garchomp’s” is already saying who the body belongs to.

Length: No problems here, nice job. =3

Detail/Description: This section was average. You described the Pokemon well, although I can see you going a bit more in depth about their features like Froslass’s kimono-like dress and Murkrow’s orange and crooked beak. For the Pokemon, it’s alright but you can spice things up by going deeper and describing more than just their color and how they look like body-wise.

The people need more description. Nurse Joy got more description with “pink hair” than either Michael or May received and they are the main characters. We don’t need a full layout of each individual birthmark, we just need a good and solid picture of what they look like. Also, even small characters like Nurse Joy need good description so that we can picture them as they speak.

Like I said in the introduction, we need to see the surroundings as well. You described the forest pretty good but we need to see what’s around the characters even when nothing exciting is going to happen. From the gym to the city to the forest, paint us a picture, pl0x.

Battle: This was one of your strongest sections. The battle between Froslass and Murkrow was pretty much even, sometimes swaying from one side to the other like it should to keep readers on the edge.

The attacks were described like the Pokemon, good but it could better. Add a little color into the equation, describe what the attacks look liked. You can also how say it sounded as a Pokemon was hit or how it’s being launched like Hail; maybe it was so noisy with all the hail pellets hitting the trees that Michael could barely be heard above it. Just take your time in describing the attacks and your battles will be even better and this can be done by using all of your senses.

Outcome: Well, I had my doubts, it was kind of borderline, with the lack of description in the characters and the surroundings but this was a pretty good story with almost flawless grammar and spelling and with an easy going plot and writing style. So Murkrow captured! Make sure to work on your description of people and the surroundings for both your introduction and the rest of your story, fix that little grammar error, and spice up your battles with color and all the other senses. I won’t go easy on you next time, Stunky ‘cause I know you’re a great author. ;)

- Kat