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View Full Version : The Weedle Outburst


Venusaur456
03-16-2008, 01:40 PM
Pokemon: Weedle :P
Characters Needed: 3k-5k characters
Characters So Far (Including spaces): 3,971
Characters So Far (Not Including spaces): 3,124

Chapter One

I was at Viridian City. I am a pokemon trainer, and I want to be very good at it. Right now, I’m standing inside the pokemon center.

“Would you like your pokemon to be healed?” asked Nurse Joy. “Yes please,” I answered. I gave her my Poochyena and Bulbasaur. Nurse Joy put them in the healing machine and waited. “So, what is the next pokemon you would like to catch?” Nurse Joy asked me. I had never thought about that. I’d only thought about the two pokemon I had. “Maybe something in Viridian Forest,” I replied. “I’ve heard that there’s been an outburst of Weedles in the Viridian Forest. Do you know what those are?” Nurse Joy said. “Yea. They are little poisonous caterpillars. They evolve into Kakuna then Beedril,” I said. “You should catch one of those,” said Nurse Joy. “Okay. First thing tomorrow I’ll buy some pokeballs and go straight to the Virdian Forest,” I said. “You can stay here for the night if you like,” offered Nurse Joy. “Okay,” I said. Then the pokemon healing machine beeped. “Here’s your pokemon,” said Nurse Joy. She gave me the pokemon. “Thanks. Can you show me to where I can sleep?” I asked. “Okay, follow me this way,” said Nurse Joy.


Chapter Two

Something was rattling. I got out of bed and looked at the clock. It said 12:23 A.M. “Wake up, Bulbasaur,” I whispered to my Bulbasaur, shaking it. “Bubba… saur. Bulbasaur?” Bulbasaur mumbled. “Bulbasaur, I think I heard a pokemon,” I said.

Bulbasaur and I looked around, and then we saw it! A Weedle! “Bulbasaur, use Razor Leaf!” I said. Just as Bulbasaur was about to use Razor Leaf, the Weedle ran outside and away. “Bubba… saur…” Bulbasaur whimpered. “It’s okay, Bulba. We can find another,” I coaxed while patting Bulbasaur’s little head.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In no time Bulba was asleep, but I couldn’t. I was still thinking about the Weedle. I had remembered what Nurse Joy said. I’ve heard there’s been an outburst of Weedles in Viridian Forest. I kept thinking about that all night. Finally, I got to sleep.

Chapter Three

When I woke up, Bulbasaur was at the window, absorbing sunlight. It also seemed like he was looking at something.

Then Poochyena woke up and saw Bulbasaur at the window. “Poochie!” Poochyena said, and ran to the window to look too. I decided to have a look also.

So the three of us looked out at the window. In the distance, I could see the trees in Viridian Forest. Bulbasaur got up and got the binoculars. He ran back up to the window and gave them to me. “Thanks, Bulbasaur,” I said.

I looked at the trees through the binoculars. Through there were about 5-10 Weedles! “By golly, Nurse Joy was right!” I exclaimed. Bulbasaur, Poochyena and I went to Nurse Joy, said goodbye, and went off to the Pokemon Mart.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Good day, what would you like to buy today?” asked the guy at the counter. “I’d like to buy a few pokeballs,” I said, handing the money. “Here you go,” said the guy at the counter, trading the pokeballs for the money. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.”

We left to pokemon mart and started walking to the Virdian Forest. On the way, we found a Pidgey and a Caterpie, but no Weedle.

Finally we were at the Virdian Forest. We didn’t have to wait long for a Weedle. We immediately saw a whole colony.

Chapter Four

“Go Bulbasaur! Use Razor Leaf!” I said. Bulbasaur use Razor leaf at the whole colony. “Weedle! Weeweeweedle! Wee!” screamed all the Weedles. Most of them fled, but a few stayed were they wear. “Weeweeweedle!” screamed one, and stung Bulbasaur with its poisonous horn. “BUBBASAUR!” Bulbasaur shrieked, and fell to the ground. “Go Poochyena! Use Quick Attack!” I said. “Poochiepoochyena!” said Poochyena, and ran right through the Weedles. They fell to the ground too. I quickly through a pokeball to the weakest one and…

Ready for grade already. O_O

Venusaur456
03-21-2008, 06:30 PM
Not sure if I'm suppose to do this, but:

Ready for grade

The Jr Trainer
03-29-2008, 09:40 PM
Plot/Story:
This was pretty much what we see with the newer and simpler stories, just going into a forest or whatnot. Then looking for a Pokemon to capture. You can make a good story out of this, but you really need to make sure you have description and add more into the story than just being told about the Weedle fiasco and then going to look for one. Make something more out of the story, make it interesting and different. Customize it to your likes, make it original, it isn’t hard to make the story more interesting. With a different plot, be itself, the story is all the more exciting. ^_^

Introduction:
This was a downside, but nonetheless you did partly of what we expect from you do to. You gave where, who, how, and what. Just not when and why. Although, when isn’t really needed. Why is, why does the trainer (whose name was not given, which you really should do ^^;) want the Weedle so bad? That wasn’t really explained. :/

Grammar/Spelling:
This wasn’t very good actually. X_x I few things that I’ll show you where you were a bit messed up on. ^^;

First, anything related to Pokemon should be capitalized, even the word “Pokemon” itself. You only made that mistake a few times, just wanted to point it out.

Second, after a person talks, then another talks. When the second talks you want to make a new paragraph, for example, this big one right here:

“Would you like your pokemon to be healed?” asked Nurse Joy. “Yes please,” I answered. I gave her my Poochyena and Bulbasaur. Nurse Joy put them in the healing machine and waited. “So, what is the next pokemon you would like to catch?” Nurse Joy asked me. I had never thought about that. I’d only thought about the two pokemon I had. “Maybe something in Viridian Forest,” I replied. “I’ve heard that there’s been an outburst of Weedles in the Viridian Forest. Do you know what those are?” Nurse Joy said. “Yea. They are little poisonous caterpillars. They evolve into Kakuna then Beedril,” I said. “You should catch one of those,” said Nurse Joy. “Okay. First thing tomorrow I’ll buy some pokeballs and go straight to the Virdian Forest,” I said. “You can stay here for the night if you like,” offered Nurse Joy. “Okay,” I said. Then the pokemon healing machine beeped. “Here’s your pokemon,” said Nurse Joy. She gave me the pokemon. “Thanks. Can you show me to where I can sleep?” I asked. “Okay, follow me this way,” said Nurse Joy.

That could be turned into a way, way, way smaller bunch of paragraphs. Something like...

“Would you like your pokemon to be healed?” asked Nurse Joy.

“Yes please,” I answered. I gave her my Poochyena and Bulbasaur. Nurse Joy put them in the healing machine and waited.

“So, what is the next pokemon you would like to catch?” Nurse Joy asked me. I had never thought about that. I’d only thought about the two pokemon I had.

“Maybe something in Viridian Forest,” I replied.

“I’ve heard that there’s been an outburst of Weedles in the Viridian Forest. Do you know what those are?” Nurse Joy said.

“Yea. They are little poisonous caterpillars. They evolve into Kakuna then Beedril,” I said.

“You should catch one of those,” said Nurse Joy.

“Okay. First thing tomorrow I’ll buy some pokeballs and go straight to the Virdian Forest,” I said.

“You can stay here for the night if you like,” offered Nurse Joy.

“Okay,” I said. Then the pokemon healing machine beeped. “Here’s your pokemon,” said Nurse Joy. She gave me the pokemon.

“Thanks. Can you show me to where I can sleep?” I asked.

“Okay, follow me this way,” said Nurse Joy.

... This.

Also, when you’re splitting up part of your story, you can just use three *** instead of 20 of them. x_x

One last thing, you should never, never say anything about getting buying or taking Pokeballs at all.

Length:
Good enough I suppose. Remember you can always go over the length you need. ^^;

Detail/Battle:
Yes, I’m putting these together since they were really what made up your story. :/

For the detail, yes you did have a bit. You could and should’ve added more detail onto the people themselves, it brings out the story more and makes it more picture-able. Don’t forget to show emotions in people as well. The looks aren’t the only thing that matter at all. If you really can’t think of how something looks, close your eye and imagine it, make it real in your mind, then type/write out what you saw in your mind, make it so the reader(s) know exactly what you were thinking things look like. ^^;

Now the battle, it was pretty shore, but it was for a Weedle, you don’t need much. Just remember to describe the attacks and don’t make it seem like we’re watching a gameboy battle, pretend as if we’re watching an anime battle on TV. Since you want the battle to be more like an anime battle. ^^;

Final Outcome:
This was actually pretty close. :/ You need to add in detail or the story will completely die and be nothing and boring and whatnot. And don’t forget the grammar and such. This was obviously good enough for a simple Weedle. Weedle captured!

Venusaur456
03-29-2008, 11:12 PM
Wow. :O I didn't think I would catch it. xD