View Full Version : The Stone to my Heart
03-16-2008, 08:39 PM
I started this in early December but didn't have any motivation to continue it. When I couldn't write more of my Rotom story, I turned back to this and actually got into it. So into it that when I reached 29K, decided to change from a Vulpix to a Ninetales. ^^;
I like how this turned out, lets just the plot is up to par. :tongue:
The Stone to my Heart
At the moment, Valentina thought she would melt into a puddle of red fur. Everything about the scene seemed too perfect to the eyes of the young Vulpix. The way the autumn wind played with his unruly curls and tails made her want to pet them and the mischievous glint that was created by both his bad boy demeanor and the light of the Kanto sun added shine to his ruby fur pelt.
Valentina sighed to herself from behind the oak tree that hid her from view. Kenai was perfect in every way to her and she found it impossible to not hide daily behind some kind of plant and stare at him just as the sun decides to hide behind the hills where their colony lived. The male was outgoing, never hesitated to say what he thought, and he was always fun to be with. However, the fact that she mainly thought of him as extremely handsome clouded her mind from the fact that he cared for no one but himself.
“…and I walloped that Oddish right in the face and I’m positive he won’t be stealing my Oran Berries anytime soon,” Kenai boasted, flashing a toothy smile that made the hidden Valentina swoon.
The two other foxes that were his best friends burst out in laughter and slapped him with a paw on his shoulder while shouting out compliments. Kenai grinned and swatted some blades of emerald grass from the lush hill in which they sat. Their raucous laugh resounded in the air and Valentina sighed silently.
The fan of light red tails swished behind her as she silently made her way towards her family burrow. She felt as though her heart would explode with the pressure that has been building through the past few weeks.
In what felt like a short time, Valentina had reached the age in where she had to choose the mate she would be with for as long as she lived in her colony. Females talked excitedly to each other, either discussing or quarreling as to what male Vulpix they had in mind. Small cat fights would issue but they were always almost harmless; both vixens would leave with bruises and scratches, their scuffle settling nothing most of the time. The young males would simply sit back and relax, waiting for a particular attractive Vulpix to ask them.
Valentina smiled warmly to herself when she stopped to look behind her. The three male foxes turned to leave and she rested her head on the bark of a tree. She just had to get up the courage and ask him, she was sure that they would be a perfect match and that they would live their life carefree and with joy. An adventurous mate would be the perfect thing to complete her.
“Would you slap me if I said he was an egotistical jerk whose whole life is dedicated to belittling others to make himself feel bigger?” came a voice to the right of her, bush rustling mischievously.
Valentina sighed to herself and turned to the shaking plant, an annoyed expression coming over her.
At this drawled out response, the creature in the lime-green bush jumped out to greet her best friend. The Vulpix grinned like mad, the fur on her body, which was spikier and rougher than most females’, splattered with bits of mud and foliage. She made a move to hunch and shake the debris off and the Cheshire smile on her face grew when Valentina flinched and moved away. Straightening, she said with a quirky voice, “Oh wait, I already said that.”
Valentina, the glow in her eyes that was inspired by Kenai now dimming, stared at her friend. Ollie sighed to herself, walking over to the love-struck vixen like an elder shaking his head at a youth’s ignorance. She sat down with a firm plop, hazel eyes that seemed to constantly change from green to gray on her friend.
“Sorry, Valentina but don’t you think there are other guys better than Kenai? I mean, he’s just superficial and only cares about himself…”
“How can you say that?” Valentina exclaimed, shrugging Ollie’s paw off her shoulder to glare at the spunky Vulpix. “He’s handsome and wonderful and cares about his friends…”
“He does not!” Ollie snapped then shirked away when she realized her voice had risen in volume. Her eyes, now carrying a tinge of jade, looked at Valentina as though pleading her to understand where she was coming from. “Come on, you know he doesn’t and the only reason he has friends,” the Fire type stressed out the last word which made Valentine scowl, “is to make himself feel important.”
Valentina turned on her heel, six tails being waved in a flourish, and started to walk away. Ollie’s pitter patter, not as silent as her friend’s, followed suit.
“Do you really want to spend your life with someone who won’t even give you a second glance?” she asked from behind yet Valentina still did not turn, jaw and chin firmly set after she muttered, “Mother approves of him.”
Ollie trotted beside her friend, a displeasing look about her. She scrunched up her black nose and mumbled, “Of course she approves of him, he’s handsome and strong.” She did not mention that Valentina’s mother only cared for her daughter’s social standing because having the clan leader’s son as a mate would surely make bring her family into light.
Valentina finally halted and whirled around to confront Ollie. Her reddish fur was slightly bristled in irritation and pointed ears twitched to and fro. The little light that shined through the tree foliage above them made her eyes glitter dangerously. “Why don’t you just lay off, then?” she barked, not caring to hide the harshness in her tone. “Why don’t you let me decide?”
“Because I’m your friend and I care about you!” Ollie yelled back, the same pleading her orbs once had now transferred to her voice.
Without missing a beat, the anger swimming in her head hell-bent to fill every crevice that still held rational thought, Valentina shot back with, “At least someone would want to be my mate!”
Ollie reared back, eyes wide and shining as though she had been physically hit by the venomous words. Valentina’s own eyes grew big and the furious mask she had been wearing slipped away to be engulfed by the shadows that danced in the grass. She looked down, away from the fox whose fur always stood on end, her eyes instead focused on the grass stalks that swayed with the wind.
“….I hope you and Kenai are very happy to together,” Ollie told her, her once perky voice now replaced with one of hurt. Her next words were lined with bitterness and from where Valentina was still staring at the ground, she saw Ollie’s shadow twist as she turned to leave. “It seems like the two of you are perfect for each other.”
Valentina’s head shot up. “Ollie, I…” But the bush in where her friend jumped out of gave one last shake, a red-orange tail much more unruly than her own slipping away into the underbrush. The Vulpix sighed once the patter of running paws was no longer in her range of hearing, her whole body now in shadow as the sun was now a sliver on the horizon. Without her best friend’s chipper-than-most voice, it was eerily quiet and with most of the forest under night’s veil, it gave her a slight shiver.
“She just doesn’t know him,” she told herself, continuing the path to her family’s burrow. Numbly, she waked over moss and soft grass, passing mahogany-colored trees that sported nests of Taillow and Pidgey. “You can’t be right about someone if you don’t know them, right?”
A small part of her mind rebutted with, “Watching someone you have never talked to doesn’t constitute as ‘knowing someone’.” Valentina frowned then thought back to her own fueled words. She knew she crossed the line, those words should have never left her muzzle.
But she shouldn’t have said that about Kenai!
“She’ll bounce back, she always does,” she reassured herself aloud. With a forepaw splotched with dark-red fur, she kicked a pebble and watched it tumble through clumps of moss that were growing on thick tree roots, the small object eventually dropping into some unknown hole in the ground after racing through an emerald carpet.
However, how well did she know her?
Valentina stared wide-eyed at the female Ninetales, cream-colored fur glittering as she moved about the burrow like a graceful dancer. The nine-tailed fox turned once again to her daughter and the female Vulpix flinched as ruby eyes stared into her own amber. Would her stare be as intimidating as her mother’s when she evolved?
Their burrow was large, about the size of a small living room, made out of dirt that was deeply compacted so it felt more like stone. The roof of it arched over their furry heads, roots from various plants peeking out like stranded swimmers in a vast ocean. Three mats of plush grass and moss were situated in the far right wall: their sleeping quarters. Slivers of scarlet and opaque fur could be seen.
“Honey,” her mother started, voice as elegant and smooth as her own body. “Waiting is not an option because if you do, someone will come along and take what is rightfully yours. You cannot afford to rely on your looks and charisma alone, you have to do whatever it takes which means taking charge of the situation.”
“Was that you how met Father?” she asked tentatively, wondering exactly what “anything” constituted as. Looking at the far left, makeshift bed, she imagined her father. Tall and lean just like his mate but he was sturdy and tough at the same time, something most male Ninetales could not pull off. His face was soft and kind around those he loved yet he faced any challenge and threat with the hardened look their species were famous for.
I wonder if Kenai will look like that when he evolves? she wondered, imagining the perfect Ninetales by her side, almost missing her mother’s words.
“Just like Kenai,” her mother, Yuki, began, knowing that name of the young Vulpix male would redirect Valentina’s faraway gaze onto her. Lo and behold, it did. “your father, Cyp, was the one everybody was looking to have as mate. Which is why I had to fight for the honor of being his.”
At this, she turned her head to show her daughter her right ear, the edges lined with one long scar whose red contrasted greatly with the healthy pink. Valentina flinched and looked away, her heart starting to pound in her small chest. What if she had to resort to battling just to be Kenai’s mate? She was not as agile and quick-witted as her mother when she was a Vulpix and if the off chance that she actually won, would Kenai really accept her?
“So, tomorrow?” she asked once again yet not as high pitched as before. “Tomorrow I ask Kenai?”
Yuki nodded her slender head, tails waving behind her like a curtain on a warm summer’s day. Upon seeing her kit’s hesitant face, she trotted over to her and affectionately licked her cheek. Valentina let a small smile come over her and Yuki nuzzled her and then stepped back.
“You’ve grown into a remarkable Vulpix, you know that?” she commented, a smile under her long muzzle. Valentina smiled and beamed, doubts starting to diminish. It was rare for her proud mother to compliment her but when she did, pride swelled within her.
“Just make sure,” Yuki continued, her eyes beginning to glaze over as she thought about the day her ear was permanently scarred. Brown-ripped tails flicked back and forth and her muscles became taught. “that you don’t let anybody or anything get in your path.”
03-16-2008, 08:43 PM
All the fear and anxiety she felt the past day came back in one imaginary wing beat. Her stomach felt way too full and everything from her paws to her ears shook. The light wind that was blowing that fine morning just made her even more jittery.
Valentina was standing in the same spot that overlooked the hill as last afternoon, her body being covered by the trees and bushes. A meter or two from her sat Kenai and a female Vulpix she recognized as Cune, an overexcited Pokemon that would burst your eardrums with her talk if you let her.
“…and then our burrow could be dug by Dugtrio,” Valentina heard her blabber, not noticing Kenai’s less than pleased face. “I hear they are the sturdiest burrows you’ll find on this side of Kanto. They’ll even standup to a Tauros stampede! Not that we’ll run to them but…”
“Cune…” Kenai’s exasperated voice amazingly shut her up and the Vulpix turned to him with eyes glittering in joy. “Really, you are not my type so no, I will not be your mate.”
Cune’s expression fell like an injured Taillow plummeting from the sky. She looked up at the male she adored, hoping for his frown to split into a kidding grin. It did no such thing and her bottom lip was stubbornly set, probably to keep it from quivering. Kenai turned to her, leading to Valentina only seeing his back. Because of this, she did not see the deep scowl Kenai now had.
“I’m sorry….,” Cune whimpered, turning her head and starting to get up. Eyes downcast, she walked down the hill, shaking her head and muttering some things under breath. Kenai watched her go, tilting his head and wondering as to why she had faintest hope of him being her mate.
Valentina felt the Buterfree in her flutter much more strongly but before she could question herself, she jumped from the bush and walked over to the Pokemon that made her swoon. She placed each step firmly on the ground to stop the shaking that racked her body and she kept her eyes leveled and avoided seeing her paws.
“Kenai…,” she started and when he turned to look at who addressed him, she caught her breath. She had never been the target of his eyes but now that she was, she couldn’t help but be mystified. They were pools of the deepest brown, abysses that she could delve into yet never drown. When the body of the male that owned these magnificent eyes moved, she was startled back into reality.
“Never seen you before,” he told her, looking over her with a quick sweep of the eyes. Clean and lustrous fur, lean body, and a heart-shaped face. She was certainly one of the best Vulpix he had seen so far.
“My name’s Valentina.” She was surprised and relieved when her voice was not as shaky as she thought it would be. She hoped that it would stay way for the next words she was going to utter would be more monumental. “And… I was wondering… would you like to be my mate?”
Kenai inwardly grinned at Valentina’s nervousness. Some would call it cynical and wrong but he just called it a way to pass the time: he loved to make others squirm. He shifted his weight and began to circle the attractive vixen, a warm smile on his face. Valentina only followed him with her eyes, body immobilized. When he got to her back and stopped, she bit her lip.
“You are cute,” Kenai told her offhandedly and with a slight roll of his eyes. “And you seem more down-to-earth than most females I see.”
Valentina smiled, knowing that Kenai couldn’t see it. He complimented her, he actually believed she was better than most other Vulpix he had met. Unbeknownst to Valentina, Kenai knew she was smiling by how the edges of her mouth twitched. He walked back to her, his tails brushing the female’s neck like a lover’s gentle fingers. Valentina let out a shudder which made Kenai’s grin grow.
“However,” he let out, hoping for some kind of depressed reaction coupled with tears. All he got was her gaze, smile now back to her normal expression. Kenai had to hand it to her, she stuck it out to the end instead of crumpling at the first sign of danger. “I need you to do something for me first, something that can benefit both of us.”
“What is it?” Valentina immediately asked, eagerness coated in every word. He was giving her a chance, a chance he hadn’t given Cune and probably none of the other Vulpix that had asked him to be his mate. At the moment, she didn’t care what she had to do as long as Kenai was interested in her.
“You see,” the stronger Vulpix started, letting his words drawl out. “If we become mates, I need to protect you as soon as I can and sure I may be stronger than most Vulpix but if a trained or evolved Pokemon comes along, what would I do then?”
He leaned closer to her, his breath tickling her neck; it was all Valentina could do not to swoon. “So wouldn’t I need to evolve as soon s possible, to protect you?”
“Yeah… of course,” the amber-eyed mammal replied, nodding her head twice.
“But with Fire Stones so rare, it sometimes takes a year for mates to evolve. That’s why, I want YOU to get me one.”
Valentina blinked, startled at this request and now turned to fully look at the subject of her love. The steadily rising sun made his pelt of fur glow scarlet and his eyes now had an extra layer of depth. He looked even more stunning, if that was possible, but she still had to ask question his request.
“Me? Get you a Fire Stone?” Realizing that she was questioning his motives, she quickly added, “I don’t have the slightest idea of where to get one.”
Without missing a beat, Kenai informed her, “There’s an old miner about a mile from here, my dad saw him last time he went out to hunt, and his job is to mine for Evolution Stones that can he sell to cities and trainers. I’m sure he has a Fire Stone he can do without.”
“Steal… from a human?” Valentina had only caught a glance of those bipedal creatures during a berry hunt and that was as close as she wanted to be. Going so near to one to actually steal something made her nerves shiver and her fur to stand on end. For a moment, she wondered if Kenai was playing with her but looking at up, she only saw a solemn face.
“If you don’t want to,” he broke her from her thoughts, voice as sincere as he cold muster it. “I’m sure there’s someone else that can that can snatch one…”
Valentina quickly thought of her mother’s firm words, that nothing should stand in her way between her and Kenai. Would this be an obstacle she would want her to cross? If she didn’t and came home without a mate, would her mother be ashamed that she did not do anything in her power to get Kenai to be with her?
“No, I’ll do it!” she exclaimed, shoving all other doubts aside. Her mother would want her to do this, she would no doubt do this herself. Kenai turned back to her and smiled.
“I knew I could count on you.” Those words alone made Valentina’s spirits rise. Kenai walked closer to the edge with the female fox by his side. He peered over the edge, the hill they were looking from overlooking a wide forest whose trees were clumped together in a thick-knitted blanket. Kenai pointed a paw to the path that led into the forest and traced a path that led into the forest and beyond it where a deep valley the color of sand came into the picture. “You follow this path,” he told her, drawing the movement in the air once more. “And then you drop into this valley and at the far end of this, you should find that old hut my dad told me about. Okay?”
“Yeah… sounds simple enough.” The Vulpix managed a shaky smile along with her unsure response, her beautiful eyes staring wearily at the forest. She absently played with a clump of grass while she pondered exactly how she was going to fulfill this demanding task.
“There aren’t any… dangerous Pokemon there, are there?” she asked carefully, looking at her short claws; they wouldn’t serve as a good defense if she met up with something twice her size and thrice as powerful.
“Not from what I’ve heard,” Kenai vaguely responded, a nonchalant tone coating his words like honey. For some reason, they did not provide much comfort. “You can always back down if you think it’s too dangerous…”
“No, I said I’ll go and I’ll go,” she told him firmly, voice even.
Relishing in the fact that he had picked someone as determined as Valentina to do his work, Kenai nodded and started to walk back to the colony, his footfalls silent.
“I’ll go and tell your parents where you’ve gone, I’m sure they’ll be proud about how brave you are, just like I am.” The canine looked over his shoulder, an assuring smile on his short, furry muzzle. “I know you can do it, Valentina.”
The vixen felt her face lit up and with an internal sigh to calm her prickling nerves, began to trot down towards the forest path.
Kenai watched her go and suddenly felt a pang of guilt. With a shake of his head, it was gone and he continued his own journey to tell his friends how he will soon become even more powerful. There was also the possibility that Valentina would not return with a Fire Stone or not return at all.
Well, at least she would be out of his fur.
Valentina trudged through the forest, her face twisted in an expression of frustration. She stopped and shook her body to get rid of the thorns and briars that stuck so stubbornly to her fur. She swatted the ones that refused to get off but after a few hisses of pain and little results, she gave up and kept on walking.
The fox deduced she was about halfway through the forest and peering through the canopy of the intimidating trees, she saw the sun higher in the sky. The heated orb was shining down upon this godforsaken forest, sunlight streaming through the branches that did not hold a ridiculous amount of leaves (for Valentina noticed that these pines held much more foliage than the trees near her burrow).
The path she had been walking on for the last hour was nothing but sandy grit and it irritated her paws like nothing she had ever felt. She told herself it was because she was so used to living in a forest with soft grass and thorn-less bushes that anything else made her uncomfortable.
She could hear bird Pokemon twittering and fluttering on the tree tops; she was thankful for the noise for it allowed her to pay less attention to the limited lighting in the area. The way some things were in shadows while others were lighted unnerved her; it was so different from her forest.
Valentina picked up the pace and was glad to see the bushes meters away being illuminated from behind. She kicked up pebbles and uplifted dirt from their slumber on the ground. Bushes rustled and the tiny heads of Rattata poked out curiously, their dark amethyst fur blending in with the darkness they were so used to. Pale whiskers and ears twitched in a questioning manner as a ruby blur ran past them.
“Hey, kid, what’s the rush?” some called, cocking their heads and showing their shining buckteeth. Valentina turned her head, paws simply a colored shadow beneath her, and said, “I’m getting a stone, is all.”
A handful of the rodents chortled at the kit’s answer.
“Well there are plenty here, you don’t need to go all the way to Johto for them!”
But this one is for the heart.
Shaking her head at the mice’s words, Valentina finished her run by jumping through the bush that planted more briars onto her pelt.
And let out a scream of horror.
Her mind did not even consider the idea that the valley’s entrance was a sheer drop from a cliff. It was too late and useless to scold herself for overlooking this; she let her body go limp as she fell from the height of thirty feet.
She bit her lip as a hiss of pain escaped her. Her back had scraped the side of the cliff, the jagged rocks digging into her soft body like a Beedrill’s mighty stingers. Immediately, a sharp pain started to radiate throughout her whole body, her spinal column screaming from the impact.
However, Valentina was not able to stand and watch without intervening and as the daughter of the nimble and intelligent Yuki, she was able to think quick on her feet.
Putting all her weight into it, she flipped forwards in the air as the velocity and wind brought her body closer to the cliff’s side. She coiled her legs and at the moment they touched the sand-rough rocks, her claws and the surface creating a horrible, screeching tune, propelled herself as back as she could by letting her legs acts like a pair of springs.
A lump in her throat was formed as her stomach seemed to stay in that position while her whole body left it behind. Soon, the sensation evaporated, leaving one of momentary relief; at least this way she wouldn’t have to suffer another collision with the harsh and unforgiving cliff.
The wind whistled in her pointed ears and this alerted her to the fast-approaching ground. She faced below and she did not even take the time to measure the distance between her and the earth that would have no second thoughts of pummeling her. Opening her maw with a quick snap, she breathed in a deep lungful of air and let out a torrent of flames. The tendrils as elegant yet dangerous as a Dragonair swirled around her, making her features shine, before shooting downwards in a twister of flames.
The Fire Spin attack crossed the distance with ease. They punched the ground as though trying to bypass it to get to the magma-covered core deep within before giving up and flying upwards back to their conjurer. Valentina sucked in her breath as the fire licked her body but as she had expected, the feeling was one of warmth and calmness; the rebounded attack even soothed her injured back.
More than just providing comfort to her wounds, the Fire Spin suspended her in the air before lowering her down gently, dropping her down like a flower petal blown in the breeze. When her paws touched the ground and the flames began to disappear, some fueling her energy due to her Flash Fire ability, Valentina collapsed to the ground with a strangled moan.
“That was the scariest most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done,” she breathed out, trembling slightly. Taking, almost gulping, a lungful of the hot air, she stood again and surveyed her surroundings.
The valley was more like an oversized ditch. Practically everything in her line of sight was a blistering yellow, the earth was cracked and dry like the lips of an exhausted traveler. She saw no signs of life other than the shriveled-up bushes and the crooked trunks that were once healthy saplings and trees, dead leaves a dull brown. Her eyes making every effort to see through the haze that was over the land, she spotted a small cabin-like building at the edge of what she assumed to be a dry riverbed.
The Fire type sighed but the weary expression was replaced with one of determination. Her claws dug into the parched earth, the heat pleasing to her, and she thrust herself forward into a quick run.
She was so close to her goal that she could practically feel it in her paws. Granted the tumble back there was more than frightening but the prize was only worthwhile if the journey it took to get there was tough.
Now that the vulpine Pokemon wasn’t plummeting to her death, she thought back to Ollie and wondered what she would think of this “little” task. Would she be shocked and severely scold her for such a stupid and dangerous way to get someone to be her mate or would be flabbergasted at the bravery her love-struck friend has shown?
Valentina now understood why her out-of-the-ordinary friend thought Kenai a jerk. From an outsider’s view, Kenai’s request would seem selfish and cruel but to Valentina, she understood why she had to do this. Kenai would always protect her, he would always shield her from any dangers; he would fight tooth and nail if he had to, all for her. Doing this small chore was the least she could do for him, if she loved him, she would do this.
And boy was she head over heels for him.
Valentina had now gotten closer to her destination but now that she was, the cabin seemed bigger than she first thought. Surprisingly, it wasn’t run down or in very bad shape albeit some logs shed splinters here and there. The wood, which seemed to be taken from the forest she had just left, was a chocolate brown dappled with green and red. A chimney was at the far end of the simple structure and it was blowing light colored smoke into the already hot atmosphere.
The fox on a mission walked forward, the faint odor of cooking meat floating in the air. Her stomach rumbled and it was then that she realized she had not eaten anything that morning; she was much too nervous to gobble down the Pidgey meat her mom offered her.
“Quiet,” she sharply told her abdomen. “We don’t have time for this.”
Blocking out the hunger that had surfaced, she walked to the back of the house, hoping that whoever owned the cabin had freshly mined Evolution Stones and left them out while he relaxed. She cursed when no such luck presented itself to her. All she found in the “backyard” was a lifeless stump holding a block of wood, an axe protruding from said firewood like a horn from a Rapidash.
Valentina came closer, keeping an eye on the splinter-lined axe as though it was going to jump up and decapitate her right on the spot. Deciding that it was going to do no such thing, she focused her eyes on the back door. Simple yet sturdy, she knew that she was not going to get in through the door without drawing unneeded attention to herself.
Next, she tilted her head as she spotted the sole window. Her heart thumped against her rib cage when she found it half open, no doubt to let the minimal air that might blow in this stifling weather. Valentina perked her ears to listen to the inside of the cabin. Her sensitive ears did not pick up anything other than very faint sizzling of something baking.
Determining that whoever was in there was far enough for comfort, the six-tailed creature readied herself and jumped onto the window ledge three feet above her head. Valentina landed on the strip of wood without smacking straight into the dirty glass. Getting her equilibrium back into check, she felt the opening of the window with a paw (looking down would result in her forehead getting an unneeded bruise) and when she found it, started to slowly slip in. Her ears lay flat on her skull as she slithered in, her back barely scraped the window.
Her tails were the last things that entered and with a plop, she landed inside the room. Splinters from the damaged floor beneath threatened to stick themselves into the pink pads of her paws. Holding back a yelp, she jumped back and landed on the tips of her paws, glancing at the ground. Once she saw no splinters poking precariously from the ground, she looked up and found herself in a well lit room.
The fact that the room was three shades darker than the outside despite the strong sunlight that streamed in pleased her; even though she was a creature of fire, it did not mean she had to be blinded by the object that powered up her elemental attacks. Just like the outside of the cabin, wood was everywhere; the furniture that consisted of a bookshelf and a desk with a chair on the side was of lighter colored wood.
03-16-2008, 08:46 PM
Besides some colorful books on the shelves that were neatly put away and the almost translucent light of the sun, the room was pretty bland in color. That, with the drop of temperature now that she was in the shade, made it sort of depressing.
Valentina marveled this human room, for a moment, never thinking that something so different would be so close to her home. Her goal was now also fueled by curiosity and with that, she carefully snuck out of the room. She peeked out and saw that the room she was in was one of three that were in a hallway. The hallway, long and narrow with a bit of worn carpet for decorating purposes, was lighted by a single, swinging light bulb.
The scarlet-colored Pokemon leaned forward and picked up the same food smell as before but this time, stronger. There was no doubt in her mind that this was roasted meat and that the source was two doors to the right. She felt her mouth water and she was almost tempted to abandon her mission to feast on whatever was cooking; Kenai’s handsome face and suave voice came to mind and the thought was dashed.
Swallowing the saliva that had accumulated in her mouth, Valentina inched out of the room, her whole body close to the ground, pondering as to what her next motive of action should be.
Okay, I’m looking for Evolution Stones. They would smell earthy and maybe damp considering they are found deep underground, or that’s what I’ve heard. This contemplation was followed by the image of a transparent stone, the inside of it glowing with the ruby flames of what some said to be the fire of the legendary Moltres. Granted she’s only seen a Fire Stone a handful of times in her life, most of them only fleeting glances, but the sheer beauty of one was forever engraved in he crevices of her mind.
Her nose flared and she stopped and briefly looked into the room she had just passed. The kitchen, she had passed by the kitchen and the odor of cooking food was now almost overwhelming. Valentina could make out the back of stocky yet muscled man, the back of his head covered in a fine layer of jet-black locks that nipped the back of his neck. From what she could tell, the male human was wearing a regular shirt coupled with a pair of very dirty, very worn jeans. The smell of sweat lingered from him but thankfully, the food he was cooking overpowered the less than pleasing odor.
Beside him sat a female Jolteon, her topaz fur that stood on end making the air ripple due to the electricity stored within. The mane of spiked white fur was threatened to be dampened by the drool the dog had in her mouth, her long ears lowered as she stared at her trainer.
“Don’t worry, Tris,” the man told her absently, his gruff voice matching his exterior. “We both worked hard today so both of us will eat a good, hardy meal.”
The Electric Pokemon seemed to pout but just responded with a quick, “Jolt!”
Valentina tore her eyes off the scene, knowing if the smell hypnotized her for too long, the risk of being seen grew. She patted off and soon, she had come to a wide living room. It had a warm sensation to it, probably because the two windows she spotted led a good amount of sunlight in. A quaint fireplace was built on the far left wall and the smoke she had seen from outside was coming from the kettle pot that was being held over a small fire. Other than the food she couldn’t escape from, she also spotted a small TV on a makeshift coffee and a recliner that was so worn that it looked as though it was going to collapse at any second.
The door was surrounded by piles of dirt, the grit staining the olive-colored mat, but there were no stones in sight. Knowing this was a good time to bring her nose into the equation, Valentina raised her snout and sniffed the air. Above all the dryness and stiffness the air had, no doubt caused by the frequent opening of the door and the light that came via the windows, she made out the faint smell of water. It stuck out like a sore thumb, like a Ditto in a horde of Grimer, that she wondered why she didn’t identify it earlier.
Letting her sense of smell lead the way, the Vulpix crossed the room, taking her farther away from the boiling innards of the kettle to a door on the right she had not noticed before due to having no doorknob and blending almost perfectly with the color of the wall. Without a thought of hesitation, she pushed open the mahogany door and was met with a dim room that had a flight of stairs leading down.
She didn’t know what it was but she somehow knew a Fire Stone laid in the dark depths of the room. There was no doubt in her mind if she made her way down those steps, she would find what she was looking.
And that’s exactly what she did. With each stair step she left behind, she felt closer and closer to her goal. Valentina didn’t even think on how she was going to exit this dried-up piece of land or how others would react upon discovering how she fell off a steep cliff and made it with only some scratches. No, all she had in mind was the shocked yet happy face of Kenai when she presented him with the stone.
Touching solid ground, she glanced up and found exactly what she was looking for. Beside a lone bookshelf, a small crate stood on a wooden table and from it, she could make out the tips of something hard and shiny.
“Jackpot,” she said to herself, jumping and landing beside the crate. Looking in, she found she was right. There had to be at least more than twenty Evolution Stones, the ones that laid near the top coated in a thin layer of droplets and dirt telling her that they were freshly dug. Leaning closer, she swatted Water Stones and Thunder Stones out of the way (she noticed that only the three kind of stones native to Kanto were in here) to find what she was looking her.
A bump made her skin crawl and her heart to leaped to her throat; she looked down to see what her right forepaw managed to find and saw a red stone staring back at her. Quickly, as though it was going to up and disappear, she grabbed the Fire Stone in her jaws, jumped back down, and ran up the stairs.
Jubilant thoughts raced through her mind and it was all she could do not skip back into the hallway. I did it, I got it! she cheered; she would have smiled if she wasn’t carrying a damp stone. I got it, all by myself.
Valentina was so happy, so high in spirits, that she didn’t think her running steps would create small sounds that echoed in this quaint house. That’s why, when she was forced to stop due to an unexplainable pain in her abdomen a few feet from the room she was going to escape from, the man and the Jolteon from before walked out of the kitchen, the former holding an oil-dipped spatula high in the air.
“What in Mew’s name is going on?” the man boomed, his low and strong voice immediately making him threatening. He swung the cooking utensil as though it would help him figure out what was going on but when he caught what his Pokemon was staring at, he opened his mouth for another, more surprised exclamation.
Valentina, her mind now whirring with fear, jumped back to her four legged stance and bounded to the left hand room she had targeted. Footsteps were quickly heard behind her and this made an extra burst of adrenaline shoot through her veins. She did not take the time to calculate the jump she had to make or how she would have to turn her body to make it through the window with the Fire Stone in her mouth. She just did it and luckily for her, she slipped out the window with little difficulty.
Valentina stumbled when she landed outside, the light temporarily blinding her. She registered the sliding of the window and a female command of, “Stop right there!” was more than enough to jolt her back into action.
I can’t let him down, I can’t let Kenai down, now when I’m so close and he’s counting on me!
She felt the heat under her and the sun beating down her sore back and before she knew it, a sudden breeze blew past her. Blinking twice, she halted, the Fire Stone almost slipping from her mouth. Regaining her bearings, she looked up to see a calm face, wise amber eyes staring into her own.
“Younging, drop that stone,” the Jolteon firmly told her, voice stern. “It belongs to my master, Terrance, not to you.”
Valentina let a small growl escape her despite the fear that was beginning to burn in her stomach. She crouched down and stepped back, stopping when she heard the heavy man come to a halt. She snuck a look behind and saw Terrance’s small, bushy beard wiggle as he frowned at the scene before him. Almost invisible behind the curtain of hair matted with prespiration, small jade eyes were narrowed.
“Seems like we have a thief in our midst.”
Valentina stared back at the Eevee evolution. “I can’t get give it back, I won’t give it back!” She didn’t mean for the words to come out so harsh; maybe the fact that the object they wanted her to give up would win over the one she was in love with was what made her so angry.
Tris the Jolteon continued to stare at the kit, only a mild expression of irritation upon her. Her long, diamond-shaped ears twitched back and forth as she tried to come up with a way to approach this situation. Taking this to her advantage, Valentina sprung up and circled Tris with a few quick bounds to escape. The yellow and white Pokemon whirled around, her features becoming more miffed. Terrance’s own expression snapped to one of seriousness at that moment in time.
“Tris, Thunder Wave and stop her in her tracks!”
Tris nodded and let a small amount of the electricity stored in her pelt come to life. Concentrating the power, the tendrils of electric energy formed one long vine; it snapped into action and flew towards the running Valentina like a speedy Spearow with a vendetta. The multiple-tailed creature was hit dead on and she crumpled with a muffled yelp. Even though sparks jumped from section to section of her body, trying to mobilize as many muscles as possible, she still held the Evolution Stone, feeling the warmth of it seep into her tired body. Valentina braced herself and got up, turning warily at the Jolteon. Her legs were shaking like jelly and she tried her hardest to not keel over to let the paralysis pass. Fortunately for her, her jaw muscles were forced to stay shut; the Fire Stone was still in her grip.
“Come on,” Terrance told her, coming closer and holding out a huge and dirty hand. “If you give it back, we’ll forget all about this and you can go on your way.” Valentina was surprised at how nice and easy-going this human was; his appearannce was just about the opposite. When Tris saw that Valentina’s was still stubborn, she huffed and walked closer.
“Kid, I do not want to fight.” Her voice was even and calm for she reminded herself that the fire fox was young and childish. “Do as he says or I will take it from you.”
Valentina was about to respond, the result would be a barely coherent phrase, but her mouth began to grow so hot that the ridiculous idea of her shattering the stone with her teeth came to mind. But no, she still held the stone which she found was the source of the fire that was spreading throughout her body. She tried to drop it but for some reason other than the paralaysis that plagued her nerves, she could not.
Valentina dropped to the ground again, her muscles shaking while her ears faintly picked up Tris’s concerned words. The Fire Stone in her maw grew hotter and hotter and she opened her eyes to see the evolution item a blinding white, almost invisible against the dry and bright background.
Through the muddled thoughts of pain, she horrifically found that her body was changing. Putting two and two together, Valentina came to the jaw-dropping conclusion that she was evolving.
No, I can’t! she yelled at her body, focusing all of her mental energy to stop this frightening process. I’m not supposed to evolve, Kenai is!
Tris was shouting louder this time but Valentina was too busy in trying to stop this unwanted evoulution and trying to figure out why it was happening in the first place. Evolution Stones were only supposed to do their job if the Pokemon agreed to it, that’s what she always knew, so why was this happening?
The pain subsided, the white light that had covered her body dimmed, and Valentina could finally open her jaws, muscles sore from holding them too tight for too long. The Fire Stone had disappeared, only the heat around her snout that throbbed every second or so remained.
It was longer. To her utter astonishment, her snout was longer. Upon closer inspection, her ears were shorter and her body was leaner. Rustling her tails, she found they were more than her normal six and when she stood up, the ground seemed farther away when she looked down.
Valentina the Ninetales closed her eyes, biting her lip and absorbing her new and enchanced features, and when opened them again, she was face to face with Tris. Mixed emotions were on the Lighting Pokemon’s face but the ones that were most identifiable were shock, anger, and fear.
“By Mew’s tail, my mother was right,” Tris breathed out, taking a step back. “Your kind really do need the spiritual cermonies of mating to control evolution.”
Valentina cocked her head in confusion, her mind still bouncing inside her skull due to this very unexpected turn of events but not threatening to burst from her cranium. She and Tris knew that the full shock of it all hadn’t sunk in yet and with Terrence walking back to the cabin, confident that his Pokemon would do well while he was away, it was a perfect time to get some answers.
“What do you mean by that?” Valentina demanded and was taken aback by her voice; it sounded much more mature, almost like her mother’s. Her mother, what would she think of this?
“They say a Fire Stone’s power is stronger than all the other Evolution Stones, mainly because fire is such a hard a element to control; at least thunder can be helped by sudden rain showers. This is why only those who have been mated by their clan’s leaders or those who have a Poke Ball’s power within them can resist unwanted Fire Stone evolution.”
“But…why… what about Water….?”
“I don’t know,” Tris let out in exasperated sigh, shaking her head at the confused Ninetales whose stuttering was cut short. “Something about having enough spiritual power to resist and Water being such an easy going element…” Tri sighed again and her fur was starting to crackle with frustration; she whirled round to face Valentina from where she was pacing. “Point is, why did you get a Fire Stone when you knew you couldn’t control what was going to happen?”
Valentina’s nine tails tipped in brown twitched as she tried answer as calmly as possible but only bursts of speech came out. “My mother never told me…Kenai never told me… I’ve heard Pokemon talking about it but they never told me…”
Now that she thought of it, her mom had never stopped her and talked her about what would happen after she found a mate. The responsibilites of it, when she would evolve, none of that has been explained to her. The only words she has heard from her was about who was going to be her mate, what family he was from and if he was as handsome as she said he was.
“Nobody ever told you?” The Electric Pokemon’s tone was starting to inch its way to concern, her face softening.
Valentina shook her head, making her glamorous white fur shake around her neck.
Though I wouldn’t have listened, she thought, gaze lowering along with her ears. Thinking back, Valentina found her thoughts preoccupied with Kenai all this past week and nothing else. Oh, Ollie, I’m sorry I blew you off, I was just so…
In love? Lost in a daydream she was sure would happen? Neither phrase was a good excuse and it should probably stay that way; the way she belittled her best friend was not something that should be forgiven at the drop of a hat.
“Where are you going?” Tris called to her when Valentina turned her back and was starting to walk away; the evolution process had washed away the paralysis.
“I’m going home and apologize to my friend,” she responded without a glance back. Looking up, she made out the cliff she had fallen from. Maybe she could climb it, she was getting used to this new form and she was sure to be more agile if she honed her new powers correctly.
“Sorry, kid, but we can’t let you leave.”
Valentina turned to these words and found Terrance standing by Tris’s side, a PokeBall in his rough hand. The Fox Pokemon fully turned around, fur beginning to stand on end at the Jolteon’s serious face.
“I feel for you, I do, but we don’t tolerate thieves and you had no right to steal.“ Terrance nodded, getting the main gist of what the female canine was sayiny by the curt edge on her words.
“Sorry, little fella but we don’t take too kindly to stealing, things like these are not forgiven easily. We gave you a chance to hand the stone over but you didn‘t take it.” His words seemed to cut into her and Valentina began to wish she had thought this plan through; she didn’t even know if Kenai had told her parents that she had gone here. It was hard to tell with someone she only talked to once.
Terrance gripped the red and white device in his hand tight, the serious expression that was coming over him making him seem larger and gruffer. The nine-tailed Pokemon knew she could not turn tail and run; speedy as she was, the electric dog before her could easily catch up. Instead of panicking the way her mind was telling her to, Valentina stood her ground and waited for the worst.
03-16-2008, 08:48 PM
“Tris, use Thunder Wave!” Terrence ordered.
Tris sent one last look at Valentina, eyes pitying, and sprang into action. Her fur crackled again, yellow fur sparkling under the merciless sun, and a trail of electricity came to life like a handler’s whip. Valentina bunched up her leg muscles and leaped to the left, the Thunder Wave whizzed past her and was absorbed by the dry ground. Valentina was surprised at how agile her dodge was but quickly regained her compsure. Closing her eyes, she breathed in. Her muscles started to relax, the tautness that had formed minutes ago beginning to flow away into the still atmoshphere around them. A shivering wave of cerulean light settled over her as well, the Safeguard now protecting her.
When she opened her eyes again, a blur of ghostly white and dark topaz sprinted and crossed the three feet of distance in the blink of an eye. The Quick Attack knocked her off her feet and she yelped as the spiky fur dug into her skin. With an ‘oomph!’ from the ceram-colored creature, Tri jumped back and lunged for the next attack of the combo.
Valentina yelled out in pain as she felt sharp fangs dig into her neck, the glistening white of the teeth being taken over by the swirling ebony shadows the Bite attack conjured. White fur began to take on a darker shade as the shadows danced above, the grip on her neck strong and firm.
The Ninetales started seeing stars in her eyes, the sunlight that bathed both of them turning into a pure white. For some reason unknown to her, Ollie’s face came into view, hazel eyes dancing with joy and mischief. Guilt now made her heart heavy and an spur of adrenaline filled her body when the thought of apologizing and setting thinsg right came to her.
She snapped her eyes back into focus, the light of the sun dimming and the face of her Vulpix friend vanishing, and gritted her teeth against the pain. With a small battle cry, she pushed the fierce Jolteon from ontop of her with her hind legs. The surprise of having the vulpine Pokemon fight back was the reason he lost the grip on her neck and was sent to the ground.
Valentina jumped to her feet and shook her head, feeling air stinging her latest injury. The fur around her wound was slightly mangled and the roots were beginning to take on a rich red due to the blood tat was beginning to drip. When Tris whipped back to her direction, Valentina locked gazes with her.
The fox’s eyes began to pulsate from her normal amber to a startling amethyst and Tris couldn’t help but be transfixed to this unnerving stare. Once her orbs were a strong enough purple and the enemy couldn’t look away from her haunting eyes, the Ninetales reared her head back and let two identical beams of light leave her hidden pupils.
The Confuse Ray hit and when it did, a shiver went down the spiked Pokemon’s back. The feeling settled and even after she blinked twice, her mind was still dazed. She strained her eyes to align the double Ninetales and to stop the ground from moving underneath her but it was in vain.
Still flinching from the earlier Bite attack, Valentina stepped back and braced herself, whipping strands of fur from her eyes. Like before, a millenia ago to her mind, she sucked in her breath and released a Fire Spin. Unlike the last time, the Fire attack was scorching and seemed to burn as strong as an Arcanine’s. The tendrils as thick as Terrence’s arm raced towards the Lighting Pokemon, picking up dry dust and dead grass as it went, and when it hit, Tris was blown back a couple of feet. She dug her short claws into the earth, eyes closed and head titled so that most of the fire hit her lower body. Once the intense heat moved away from her face, she straightened and opened her eyes.
Red and orange, it was all she could see. The twister she was in stretched feet above her head and the flames on all sides only allowed her to see misshapen blurs from outside. This, coupled with her confused state, made her vision swim. Tris growled beneath her breath and with the Confuse Ray playing with her mind, tackled the fiery wall as hard as she could.
The ruby and orange flames held strong and reflected her back to the ground, a pained cry coming from the confused battler. Spots on her electrified pelt were now beginning to turn a chalky black, the smell of burning fur now in the air. Valentina followed Tris’s pacing form and formed Ember after Ember to injure her even when she was not in reach. The concentrated balls of fire whizzed from her maw and entered the inferno with multiple ‘plops!’. The murky form inside the artifial hell flinched and jumped from the weak yet focused attacks, settling to staying close to the ground. This was in vain for Valentina simply angled her shots downward, the Ember balls still pelting the Jolteon like mini meteors.
“Tris, Tris!” Terrence shouted in worry, watching his Pokemon crumple after each hit. “Tris, use Dig! Now!”
To the miner’s delight, the body within the fire looked straight at him and even though he could not see her gaze, he knew by her alert ears that were licked by an occasional string of fire that she had snapped from the affects of the Confuse Ray. The body in shadow jumped up and dived into the ground, claws quickly going to work into digging a hole. Dirt was flung every which way, causing the fire walls to bend and sizzle when the grains made contact, and Tris soon disappeared underground.
Valelentina stopped the fire bombardment and looked around, squinting against the light that was absorbed by the ground. She saw no moving mounds of dirt or any cracks that burst from underground movement; the loose pebbles and grass were still motionless. She was surprised that an Electric type knew this move yet she knew she shouldn’t; how else would a Jolteon help a miner?
The agile canine stood her ground but she was soon shaken when she heard a loud noise from behind her and then felt a figure crash into her so hard, she went sliding to the ground. Valentina whirled around and for a second, she saw Tris’s burnt but smirking form bursting free from the thirsty ground. Valentina opened her mouth to release an Ember right in her face but she got a pebbled imbedded in her cheek instead. Tris now picked up the bombardment tactic because with a speedy Double Kick, she sent the debris she had caused to fly towards her target.
The newly evolved Pokemon closed her eyes as tears began to sting from the dirt and crouched to allow most of the damage to be dealt to her lower body rather than to her fragile face.
However, much to Valentina’s luck, Tris landed on the ground with a pained expression on her face. She felt her burns flaring up all around her body, making her stop in her tracks to confront this new development. Not willing to let this chance escape her, Valentina stood up and released a Heat Wave. The hot air that was already around them grew hotter, the air now vibrating and distorting images around her. Everything now had a red-orange tinge to it and Terrence and Tris began to cough harshly from the sudden change in temperature.
Valentina breathed in, the temperature actually comforting to her, and the exhaled cause the waves around them to do more than ripple. The air seemed to jump and shake and with a silent command, they joined and rushed towards the sweating Electric type like an invisible force ready to take down anything. When it hit, Tris was pushed back several feet and the burns she already had seemed to intensify in pain by several notches. Landing on the ground, she struggled to get up, breaths coming out ragged as the hot air cut her breathing short.
“Tris,” Terrence began, he himself taking deep breaths to regulate his breathing back to normal. “Use Thunderbolt!”
Tris forced herself to act beyond the pain, she had been trained for that since she was an Eevee kit, and let her fur become stiff. The electricity within each strand of fur became excited and they jumped to meet and become much stronger than a simple Thunder Wave. Her fur began to take on a hazardous yellow sheen and even pebbles around her started to jump as wayward shocks collided with them. Crouching, Tris aimed at Valentina and let the Thunderbolt loose.
The thunderbolt screamed to life, zigzagging and letting out crackling sounds one would hear in a power plant. Valentina tried to dodge but due to her injuries, she was not fast enough and was hit by the powerful attack dead on. The electricity split from the thunderbolt shape and instead coursed through her body.
Valentina screamed and dropped to the floor, feeling her muscles spasm and her fur to stand on end. Her breath now came in short bursts and her vision swam much like Tris’s minutes ago. As she tried to stand up, she tried to relive the adrenaline from before but it was to no avail, her mind was too rattled and her thoughts too focused on the pain.
“Now finish it off with Take Down!”
Tris narrowed her eyes and took off at a run before the pain of her burn injuries came back to stop her before she could fullfill her attack. Dust swirled around her as it was picked up and grass was uprooted by the claws that prevented her from slipping. Angling her body, she rammed Valentina with her side. Valentina flew a foot or two before landing unceremoniously on the ground, her body now limp with no attempt from her of getting up. She let her head hit the floor and welcomed the darkness that was creeping at the edge of her vision.
Tris was disciplined to ignore pain and to keep on battling until she reached her limits, maybe if she was a trainer’s Pokemon, she could learn that kind of discipline, too and apply it to other matters. Maybe that way, she would not get into these kind of situations.
She felt something spherical hit her side and just like that, she knew no more.
Eeep, it's done and yeah, I couldn't help but name the Jolteon after my own. =p
Min. Characters: 30K - 40K
Total Characters: 58,300K
04-25-2008, 11:24 PM
So... I'm going to stop estimating finishing dates now. :x
Story/Plot: This kind of reminded me of several different stories combined in one, though, in the good way. Something about it was so typically atypical that you had me hooked from the beginning, and that is very common in your stories. You turned the Pokémon world into the Discovery Channel, a romance, an epic journey, and a fantasy all at the same time. Confused? Me too.
For the most part, the beginning was interesting because the entire idea of writing a story from a Pokémon’s view is quite uncommon in itself. We got to see the inner thoughts of a creature that lived in a world no one else could know about, and you gave them values, traditions, and morals. It was like a separate story inside of the original story. If you can leave your reader wondering what has happened after you finish the story, or even before the story began to take place, then you’ve done a great job in my opinion. Always leave them wanting more, uh?
I’ll be honest and say that I was way more interested in the beginning of the story than the end of it, which is odd considering that it is usually the opposite. You had created such drama within the Vulpix clan that I was completely curious about who was going to mate with whom, if Valentina would make-up with Ollie, if she would realize what a jerk Kenai was and find a nice sweetheart to settle down with instead, and so on and so forth. But from the moment she began her journey to acquire the Fire Stone, my interest seemed to dwindle a bit more and more. Sure everything was written beautifully, but the actual plot itself became a bit dry for me. :oops:
You have a very active and wonderful imagination, and I’m sure you could have come up with some interesting detours that the fox had to go through other than hunger and the other minor problems she overcame towards the end of the story. Try to keep in mind that whoever reads it is going to see it from a different than what you have created inside of your mind, regardless of how thorough you are with detail. Think about how entertaining it is for you to read it, and then make it more so.
That aside, for a Ninetales, this was really great. I trust a Grader would know the requirements, and you always seem to go above and beyond what is necessary. That is always a pleasure to see; you tend to leave me with very little to critique. :P
Grammar/Spelling: Improving all the time, you are. It shows you really spent time to go over this, as I found very few mistakes (it could have been because of the fact that I was so set on reading the story that I didn’t notice much, however). :]
So yes…very little I’m going to point out:
Valentina, the glow in her eyes that was inspired by Kenai now dimming, stared at her friend.
To be honest, this was just worded strangely to me. Took me a few rereads to understand what you were saying. Perhaps something like:
Valentina’s glowing eyes, a result from thoughts of Kenai, dimmed as she stared at her friend.
It seemed to me that the focus of the sentence was her eyes. So worded this way, they are simply emphasized more, and the sentence seems to make a bit more initial sense.
Their burrow was large, about the size of a small living room, made out of dirt that was deeply compacted so it felt more like stone.
It could just be a typo here, but things like this seemed to happen multiple times. You really need an ‘and’ there after that last comma, or split up the sentence perhaps. Just to avoid a grammatical eyesore. ;P
Practically everything in her line of sight was a blistering yellow, the earth was cracked and dry like the lips of an exhausted traveler.
You are talking about to completely different things in this quote, and probably the wisest choice here would be to change that comma to a semi colon.
And last thing I’m going to mention:
“So, tomorrow?” she asked once again yet not as high pitched as before.
The Fire type sighed but the weary expression was replaced with one of determination. Her claws dug into the parched earth, the heat pleasing to her, and she thrust herself forward into a quick run.
She was so close to her goal that she could practically feel it in her paws. Granted the tumble back there was more than frightening but the prize was only worthwhile if the journey it took to get there was tough.
The bolded puppies are coordinating conjunctions, and you’ll be needing a comma in front of each of those. Think of it as when you need a pause.
These things I’ve pointed out are very minor; they didn’t affect the outcome whatsoever. I just couldn’t leave the entire section out completely!
Detail/Description: What is it with your stories and making me hungry? XP I remember I wanted apples with your Magnemite story, and now I want Pidgey meat…or something…
*Quickly changes subject to avoid awkwardness* @_@
This is by far your best area. I refuse to nitpick this when you already do such a great job here. I suppose I could just advise you to watch how you word things, as it can come off a bit puzzling at places, but other than that, you achieve this section perfectly. Not too much, nor too little; just like jell-o.
Battle: Pretty perfect, also. Perhaps too perfect? It was two sided and detailed and etc. etc., but when you get to writing for the higher levels, sometimes it’s expected to have a great battle following the great story. Something unique and interesting that doesn’t follow the standard ‘Pokémon A attacks Pokémon B, Pokémon B attacks Pokémon A’. I could see you finding new and creative ways to pull off a capture. And no, it isn’t required, it’s just something that would help you think outside of the box, and keep you thinking in general as an author.
Outcome: Not much to say, really, besides an apology for the long wait. Ninetales captured! I almost wanted to say it wasn’t so Valentina could go back home to her family, but I’m not that cruel! Anyways, enjoy your new virtual creature. :3
EDIT: Baha, it happens to the best of us. X_x And of course I would misspell it in the BOLDED AND ITALICIZED part.
Anyways, good luck with stuff, Kat. :]
04-25-2008, 11:46 PM
Oooh, grade! Thanks! -drools-
Ahh, mmm, maybe the dry ending of the plot had to do with me taking such a long absense from the story (started writing then left it for dead for a few months then came back to it). I'll be sure to watch out for that, though so thanks for pointing that out. ^^
The Grammar section, I always hesitate to look at that part of the grade. Yep, I always try to improve in that section since it's my weakest. The conjunctions situation was pointed out an hour ago by DE's grade on my other story so I knew it was going to come up. Don't worry, I'll commit that to memory and I'll be sure to remember that next time I write. Awkward wording happens sometimes with me, too so I'll watch out for that when I proofread. =3
Hehe, my next story happens in Pe2K so I'll put that tip about "new ways of capture" in use right away. It's a Pokemon forum, of course I have to be original. xP
You mispelled "Ninetales". =o And this is our Head Grader? j/k Sorry, couldn't help it. xD
Thanks again for the grade and don't feel guilty about the wait, the grade made up for it. =)
-squeals and goes to edit stats-
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