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General Dunsparce
03-20-2008, 01:41 AM
Caleb, our 13 year old friend walked down the route and decided to take a break from his not so long journey.

“Boy am I tired!” He said sitting on a near by rock. He looked at a sign. It read,

“Route 2”

“I’m tired already and I’m only on route TWO!?” The boy couldn’t believe how lazy he was. Then again he never really was that active. His Pokemon Charmander, his faithful starter and short-time companion just shook its head in disbelief on how sad his trainer was. And then Weedle, his new Pokemon his friend Ryan traded to him for nothing that jumped out of its poke ball. The small Pokemon jumped onto Charmander’s back. The startled Pokemon yipped and shook the small bug Pokemon off of its back. And then the orange lizard Pokemon opened its mouth and little bits of bright red flame came shooting out its mouth. The little bugs eyes grew wide and then was hit by the shooting flames. Charmander then stopped and noticed that what it had just attacked and quickly apologized. The Weedle forgave it and then they sat down waiting to see what Caleb would do next.

Caleb sat on a rock and heard a voice.

“Caleb this is your conscious!” The mysterious voice wailed.

“Oh really? If you’re my conscious then what is five times two?” Caleb asked in a suspicious tone of voice.

“Uhhh…. Ten?” The voice said curiously.

“Ha! Your not my conscious! My conscious wouldn’t know that!” Caleb screamed. A hiker was passing by watching Caleb jump around and talk to absolutely no one.

“Hmm… That kid must be insane!” The random hiker commented and then continued walking.
Caleb’s so called conscious thought for a minute.

“Well if you don’t even know then how do you know I am right?” He replied.

“Aww dang ya got me there.. Or do you?” He said in a sly toned voice. He reached into his bag and grabbed a Calculator.

“Lets see… Five times two…. Carry the one… wait this is a calculator. I don’t need to worry about carrying numbers..” He sighed and finished typing the numbers in.
“Okay.. Enter… and… Ha! It is ten!” He said happily and laughing.

“Fine just follow these instructions okay?” The mysterious voice in Caleb’s head said.

“Okay fine…” The boy said in a whinny tone.

“Okay good then. Go forwards…” The voice said. Caleb got up and walked forward.

“Okay now go left.” It said and Caleb went right.

“No your other left..” The voice said sighing. He did as told and walked to his other left.

“Okay now go through the bushes…” The voice said. Finally he walked through the Bushes and found a Ralts sitting there and giggling.

“So it was you Ralts huh?” The small Pokemon looked up at Caleb and then a blue aura glowed around it.

“Yes I am Ralts.” A voice in his head said.

“Ohh… I get it now your using psychic powers to talk to me.” He said pretty interested. The small pokemon nodded and stood up.

“I want to be your Pokemon.” The Ralts transferred to Caleb’s head. Caleb looked down at the Ralts then at his Pokemon.

“Oh okay then!” The boy said putting up his green hood.

“Weedle go get that Ralts!” He said excited. “Weedle use poison sting!” The Weedle nodded and charged at the small psychic pokemon and hit it in the stomach.

“Rall!” The Pokemon cried weakly. Then the Ralts used a future sight attack. The small green and white pokemon put its small hands on its head and it began to glow blue. The Weedle looked around expecting something to pop out at it but nothing did.

“Whee….” The bug-like Pokemon sighed and waited for its next order.

“Weedle now use another poison sting. The Ralts was knocked back a bit but was still in the game.

“This match is far from over you know Caleb…” The Pokemon said Telepathically. Ralts then used a Calm mind and boosted its attack a lot.

“Well we’re doing that huh? Well the Weedle use string shot!” Caleb said. The small Pokemon shot a bunch of thick white string out of its mouth nose thing and covered the Ralts completely. Then the Ralts got mad and used its psychic powers to aim them right back at Weedle. Soon the little bug was covered in its own web. Then Weedle took the future sight attack, then a few seconds later it used psychic.

“Oh No!” The teen cried. “That’s a super effective hit Weedle’s done for. He watched the Weedle get shot into the air and fall to the ground. It was plummeting to the ground like a meteor in space. “Wow that was the weirdest thing I have ever thought…” Caleb said kind of creped out . Then he remembered about his Weedle falling to the ground.

“Right! Weedle return!” Caleb held out a red and white ball and then clicked it. A red beam shot out of the Pokeball and hit the small bug Pokemon. The red beam surrounded Weedle until the Pokemon’s entire body as a blunt red. Then the beam disappeared into the Pokeball and Caleb put it back on his belt loop. Caleb eyed Charmander and then decided to keep the battle going.

“Charmander its up to you bud.” Caleb said smiling. “Go fourth my wonderful fire Pokemon.” He picked up Charmander and tossed him in front of the Ralts. “Okay Charmander use your Fire Fang!” Caleb yelled. Charmander ran up to ralts and ripped at it with a fiery mouth.

The Ralts fell to the ground and had been burned. Then the Ralts used magical leaf and leaves came out of no where and raced towards Charmander.

“Charmander burn those leaves with fire spin!” Caleb said jumping up onto a rock. “Then use another Fire Fang!” Caleb said pointing to the Ralts. Then the small Pokemon shot a spiraling fire breath at the multi-colored leaves. They had all reached Charmander and burned up right in front of Charmander. The two Pokemon stared down at the ashy leaves and went back to the battle as soon as Ralts attempted hypnosis.

“Charmander don’t look at Ralts!” The boy jumped and screamed and Charmander quickly turned away. The Ralts had finally stopped a few seconds later and fell to the ground being hurt from its burn. A flame streak slowly went across Ralts and went away. “This Ralts is loosing health pretty fast here…” Caleb said and then was interrupted by Ralts using its psychic powers.

“You don’t actually think this is over do you?” The Ralts stood up and ate a Sitrus berry it was holding and then seemed to be back to full health. The Ralts looked over at Charmander and then used another hypnosis. Ralts grew blue and then the small orange lizard grew blue as well. The Charmander then fell to the ground with a thud, sleeping like a baby.

“You see what just happe..?” The Ralts said telepathically and was hurt by its burn. Caleb called Charmander but it stayed asleep. Then the Ralts teleported behind Charmander and used psychic. The Charmander flew up and hit the tree and fell down again. The Ralts grinned and then got hurt by its burn again. Caleb called Charmander again but there was still no reply it was out cold. The Ralts teleported again and then used a calm mind to boost its attacks. After being hurt by yet another burn Charmander finally woke up.

“Good Charmander!” He said happily and tossed Charmander a Oran Berry. The Charmander ate the Oran Berry and felt healthier and happier again. “Okay Charmander! Use Dragon Rage!” Caleb said. Charmander opened its mouth and a blue and yellow beam came out and hit Ralts directly. The Ralts fell to the ground and then talked to Caleb.

“I’d be happy to be on your team but you need to beat me first!” It said and stuck out his tongue. “

Why you little!” Caleb said angrily. “Charmander lets finish this thing. Use Flamethrower!” Caleb cried and pointed directly at the Ralts. Charmander’s mouth filled up with a whole bunch of fire then shot out in a straight line that headed right towards the extremely weak Pokemon.

“Chaarrrrr!” The Pokemon Cried releasing all the fire right at the Ralts. The Ralts was blasted by all the fire and hit a tree. The Ralts fell off of the tree being engulfed by the flames. The small Pokemon kneeled on the ground almost dead, its little body was covered in flames and it slowly fell to the ground. When its head hit the ground the fire went away. The Ralts gave a cough and fainted. Caleb paused for a minute.

“Well He said if I could beat him then I could catch him.” Caleb placed his hand on his chin and looked up in the air. About five minutes later he was still standing in that same position. His Charmander got extremely annoyed and just grabbed out one of the red and white Pokeballs and smacked Caleb with it and pointed to the fainted Weedle.

“I don’t get what you want me to do…”Caleb said in a confused tone of voice. The Charmander smacked its head and then jumped onto Caleb’s shoulder. It set the Pokeball in his hand and then made him throw it at the Ralts. The red and white ball hit the Ralts and then it disappeared in the ball with a flash of red light. Caleb turned and looked at Charmander.

“That wasn’t very nice…” Caleb said at the Charmander. “You shouldn’t just throw things at Pokemon its not polite!” He scolded at his orange little friend. The small Pokemon just shook its head and turned towards the ball where the Ralts used to be. Caleb turned and looked to see what was going on and what Charmander was looking at. Caleb looked as was shocked with what he saw. The ball was shaking and moving around.

“Hey did Ralts go inside that ball?” Caleb asked in amazement. The Charmander simply nodded and kept watching the ball.

“So then this is how I catch it?” The Charmander looked back at Caleb and nodded and shushed him. Caleb had already completely forgot how to catch a Pokemon since he just caught a Caterpie. Caleb stood there in shock watching the ball go back and fourth. “I wonder how a Pokeball works…” Caleb began to be lost in thought although it just looked like he was staring at nothing.

“How does an extremely large Pokemon fit inside that tiny little ball… Wait when Pokemon evolve does the ball get bigger too?” Caleb thought all of this for a long time and then turned to Charmander back in the real world.

“Charmander I need you to evolve for me!” Caleb said quickly. It gave a look to Caleb that was probably said he was an idiot or something then just turned back to watch the Pokeball.

“Okay fine I don’t need you anyways.” The boy said with a snotty tone.

“That Ralts sure is taking its sweet time figuring out weather it should be his Pokemon or not. Caleb studied the ball for a while. Noticing a pattern that he might only see.

“Charmander I see a pattern… the ball goes left to right over and over again. Isn’t that amazing.” Charmander looked at Caleb with a face that said what the heck are you talking about! It rolled its eyes and slapped its face and watched the Pokeball move.

The red and white Pokeball shook once… it shook twice….

General Dunsparce
03-24-2008, 11:18 PM
Also ready for grading.

Draconic_Espeon
05-16-2008, 10:00 PM
I apologize for the long wait, I've been busier than I expected the last couple days.

Introduction: It wasn't too bad, but there are several places that need some work. For example, you don't use a lot of description. You need to describe both your characters, including your Pokemon, and setting as well as you can. Both set up the story so that you can build upon it and make it even better. Description of the setting also sets the mood of the story, and tells us whether it will be dark and scary, or perhaps a little more light hearted. On the plus side, you gave us lots of chances to get to know both Caleb and his Pokemon, though I still want to see some description.

You also need to include the history of the character. That tells us why he is where he is, and how he got to that point. One instance is his obtaining Weedle. You say he got it from his friend Ryan, but who is Ryan, and why would he simply give a Weedle away? You want to leave your readers with as few questions as possible. You need a hook as well, to really get the reader in there and want to read on.

Plot: The plot is a pretty good one, though at the moment it seems very bare, like you could have put more into it. We have a Ralts contacting a new trainer to get him to catch it. But why would the Ralts want to be captured? Is it tired of being wild, and wants to be stronger? Or is it maybe running from a bully or something along those lines? It's always good to elaborate in your plot as much as possible, and add in as much as you can. That makes it more interesting. Putting in ideas that are different from the norm are what makes especially good stories, so try to get creative with how you put your plots together.

Also, there were parts in the story that seemed to be more fill in than anything, and didn't really add much to the plot, namely the part where Caleb was watching the ball and trying to figure out what was going on. Try to not use those as much, or keep them to a minimum. I understand that part of it was to convey that Caleb isn't all that intelligent, but it's almost hard to believe even a new trainer wouldn't know how to catch a Pokemon. Instead, what about maybe he was trying to find a Pokeball, and Charmander found one instead and threw it for him? Still humorous, and not quite as out of character as what you had.

Grammar: There's a bunch, so let's jump right in, shall we?

Caleb, our 13 year old friend walked down the route and decided to take a break from his not so long journey.

I know you're trying to kind of immitate the anime here, but when you are writing a story, you don't need the narrator to come out and say something, like who the main character is. You describe them.

It read,

When putting what is written on a sign or in a book, you should use a colon. (This : )

“I’m tired already and I’m only on route TWO!?”

This sentence is compound, so you need a comma after 'already'.

And then Weedle, his new Pokemon his friend Ryan traded to him for nothing that jumped out of its poke ball.

Several things here. First, 'and then' doesn't really need to be there, the sentence can stand to be without them. You should try not to start a sentence with 'and' at all, really. Also, 'that' can be taken out as well, and can be replaced with a comma. Reason being, 'his new Pokemon that his friend Ryan traded to him for nothing' is telling more about what and who Weedle was, and so should be separated from the rest of the sentence. Oh, and Pokeball needs to be capitalized.

The small Pokemon jumped onto Charmander’s back. The startled Pokemon yipped and shook the small bug Pokemon off of its back.

While it's good that you are using a variety of ways to describe your Pokemon aside from their names, using '-something- Pokemon' instead of Weedle in the first sentence and again instead of Charmander in the second makes things repetitive. Instead of 'the started Pokemon', I suggest using just 'it'.

The little bugs eyes grew wide and then was hit by the shooting flames.

There should be an apostrophe after the G in 'bugs' to show ownership.

“Caleb this is your conscious!”

I believe you mean 'conscience'. Kinda like Jiminy Cricket in Pinnochio, right?

Your not my conscious!

'Your' should be 'you're', because it is a contraction of 'you' and 'are'.

The boy said in a whinny tone.

I believe you mean 'whiny'.

Go forwards…

'Forwards' should be just 'forward'.

The voice said. Finally he walked through the Bushes and found a Ralts sitting there and giggling.

The B on 'bushes' doesn't need to be capitalized.

I get it now your using psychic powers to talk to me.

Needs to be 'you're' again.

The small pokemon nodded and stood up.

'Pokemon' should be capitalized...

“Weedle use poison sting!”

The names of attacks should be capitalized.

The Pokemon said Telepathically.

'Telepathically' doesn't need to be capitalized.

Well the Weedle use string shot!

'The' should be 'then'.

“Oh No!”

'No' shouldn't be capitalized.

That’s a super effective hit Weedle’s done for.

This should be divided into two sentences with a period after 'hit'.

Caleb said kind of creped out .

Unless Caleb is covered in crepes, I think you mean 'creeped'. Also, there doesn't need to be a space before the period.

“Charmander its up to you bud."

There should be an apostrophe before the S in 'its'.

“Go fourth my wonderful fire Pokemon.”

It should be 'forth'. The 'fourth' you have is like the number four.

Charmander ran up to ralts and ripped at it with a fiery mouth.

'Ralts' should be capitalized...

Caleb said pointing to the Ralts.

You already said that Caleb was talking, so all you really need in this sentence is something along the lines of 'he pointed towards Ralts'.

They had all reached Charmander and burned up right in front of Charmander.

Since you already said 'Charmander' once in the sentence, try mixing things up by saying 'it' instead.

Charmander lets finish this thing.

There should be an apostrophe before the S in 'lets', because it is a contraction of 'let us'.

Caleb cried and pointed directly at the Ralts.

Again, you already said Caleb was talking, you don't have to say it again.

The Pokemon Cried releasing all the fire right at the Ralts.

'Cried' doesn't need to be capitalized.

“Well He said if I could beat him then I could catch him.”

No capitalization necessary.

The red and white ball hit the Ralts and then it disappeared in the ball with a flash of red light.

A compound sentence that needs a comma after 'Ralts'.

“You shouldn’t just throw things at Pokemon its not polite!”

You need an apostrophe after the T.

Caleb looked as was shocked with what he saw.

This part is kind of confusing. I think you meant 'looked as though he was shocked'.

It gave a look to Caleb that was probably said he was an idiot or something then just turned back to watch the Pokeball.

'Was' doesn't need to be there.

“Okay fine I don’t need you anyways.”

'Anyways' should be 'anyway'.

“That Ralts sure is taking its sweet time figuring out weather it should be his Pokemon or not.

It doesn't need a quotation mark at the beginning, and 'is' should be 'was' to keep it in past tense.

Caleb studied the ball for a while. Noticing a pattern that he might only see.

This should all be one sentence, with a comma after 'while' with 'and noticed' after it.

Charmander looked at Caleb with a face that said what the heck are you talking about!

When you put in a phrase that is something that a person might say, you should put apostrophes around it so that your readers realize what it's supposed to be.

In the future, I suggest reading over your story. The typos in here outnumbered the actual mistakes, which is definitely not a good thing, and makes the grader believe you didn't want to put enough effort into the story to simply read through it. Also, having friends or family who like Pokemon reading over your story can help you find more as well, because they may see things that you don't when you go through it.

Length: You just barely scraped the bare minimum here. In the future, try to aim more for at least the middle of the suggested length to ensure the story is long enough.

Detail/Description: You didn't have a whole lot, to be truthful. This is the part of the story that usually needs the most work, because it takes practice to get good at. Work at putting in the description with everything else, make it a part of the action. Another important thing to keep in mind is that, when you are describing something, you want to use a variety of colorful words to really show the reader exactly want you yourself see as you write. Say exactly what you see first, and then, if you need to, go back and substitute simple words with more interesting ones using a thesaurus.

A good way to get an idea of how to put in good description is simply by reading. You can read stories here in the URPG, or books, or whatever, but they are what help the most. When you are reading, pay attention to the words the author uses, and how they are strung together. Here in the URPG, Tyranitar_Trainer, PhantomKat, and Pokemon Trainer Sarah all write very well-described stories; try checking out some of them if you get the chance.

Battle: Well, it was pretty long, and seemed a lot more two-sided than the last, as well as descriptive. But, you didn't describe every attack as well as you could have. Try to make sure you say exactly how the Pokemon executed the attack, and how the opponent reacted to it. The trick is not putting in too much description, but still putting enough. You want this part to move fairly quickly, because this has a lot of action and suspense in it, but you don't want it to move too quickly to understand what is going on. If you can, try to tie in the setting as well. Maybe one Pokemon can trip over a rock, or hide in some tall grass.

Outcome: I'm sorry to say, but Ralts not Captured! Fix the grammar mistakes and add in some more description, and I'll let you have the Pokemon, but I just don't think you put quite enough into this yet. Work on it a bit, and I'll gladly regrade. Just PM me when you are done editting.

General Dunsparce
05-16-2008, 11:46 PM
Okay I will... ~goes to fix~