View Full Version : The Secret of Ventora
03-20-2008, 05:26 PM
Ready For Grading
Chapter 1: Secrets of the Night.
It was a peaceful day in the town of Ventora. The Swablu sang, the Hoppip glided, and the waves broke and crashed into the sandy shore of the small town. The sun was shinning very bright as its warmth made the town a tropical paradise. A few Tropiuses were seen eating fruit and berries off the trees at the top of the cliff behind the town. The streets were filled with people and their Pokemon; the shops were being flooded by tourists and workers, buying and selling items. In the middle of the town was an enormous fountain which looked like four Gyaradoses each pointed in another direction, spouting water from their mouths, and into the pool below. Rising up from the middle of the stone Gyaradoses was a glorious stone Milotic spouting water high up into the air.
On the side of the fountain were designs of Kingdras, Gorebysses, and Lumineons, swimming from left, to right. Coins shimmered in the pool of water as the sun reflected light off the surface. A young boy was leaning on the side of the beautiful fountain. His short, spiked dark blue hair resembles his deep sapphire eyes. His wore a white T-shirt on top on a dark blue longer T-shirt and dark blue sandy jeans. He wore Kentonein Pidgeot brand shoes, which were flat, brown and had scuffed sides. Next to him was one of his Pokemon, a short grass type Pokemon called, Grotle.
03-21-2008, 04:02 AM
The young boy stood there until he heard voices calling out a name. He turned a round and there were three people running at him yelling out to him. The boy had long, blond, wavy hair. He had on a brown Kentonein Pidgeot T-shirt and shoes, with brownish blue jeans. Then there was another girl, who looked just like the blond girl, but this girl had short black hair with deep amethyst eyes with eyeliner to complement them. She had on a tight purple T-shirt with a short black skirt. Her shoes were black with purple laces.
They ran toward the young boy as they shouted his name,
“Fiace, Fiace!” Fiace smiled as he shouted back,
“Hey what’s up?” The blond boy got to him first and said,
“Where’ve you been, Fiace?”
“Oh just sitting here with my Grotle, Jake.” Fiace looked down at his Grotle as the green bushy Pokemon looked back up at him.
“Fiace, oh, Fiace!” yelled the blond, pony tailed girl as she was running up to them in her tight blue T-shirt and her running shorts. She then stumbled, and tripped over her running tennis shoes as her hazel nut eyes went wide as she hit the ground.
“And here, to accompany my best friend, Jake, are my two favorite twins, Angela, and Sarah.” Sarah, in her tight purple T-shirt and her black mini skirt stopped to help up her sister. She looked a lot alike her, but her hair was shorter and black. Her shoes were black with purple laces. She looked at Sarah, with her deep amethyst eyes with eyeliner to complement them. She tried to stop laughing as she asked,
"Are you alright?" Angela got up on her feet, smiled, and replied,
"Yea, just a little fall-" She stopped to gasp and shrieked at Fiace,
“Oh, get that thing away from me! You know how much I hate grass Pokemon, Fiace!”
“Oh, right I forgot. Well back in the old Pokeball with you, Grotle.” Grotle sighed as Fiace took out Grotle’s Pokeball and pointed at Grotle. A red beam of light shot out of the Pokeball and sucked up the grass Pokemon.
“So, tonight’s the night, huh? When the clock strikes six o’clock the town closes up because of superstition. We’re going to see if the old myth is true, or not by sneaking out of our houses and going to the old mansion on Wall Street, correct?” Jake said in an eeire tone as Angela shook her head in fear and Sarah smiled and nodded.
“Correct.” Fiace mumbled as he crossed his arms and tapped his finger in a state of nervousness.
“So according to the myth, about twenty years ago, five years before we were all born, a massacre happened during the Halloween ball. Eleven people were found dead, and the killer was nowhere to be seen. Some say that the murderer still lurks in the mansion and comes out after six o’clock PM, until three o’clock AM to kill anyone in the streets of Ventora.” Said Jake, very seriously in a low tone-down voice.
“So why did the killer do that?” Sarah asked, trying hard to scare her sister.
“Well,” started Jake as he looked at her with deep, wide eyes, “Some say she did it for revenge after they chose Mayor Fayhee instead of her. Amy Kellinger ran many times before he did, and she was very experienced, but she finally snapped from something, maybe she snapped because her husband was found hanging by a noose around his neck off the cliff of the island.”
“Do people really believe this crap?” Fiace asked, being as skeptical as possible.
“Yes, people really do, my mother said she saw Amy with a knife down the street after six through her window. Also people hear loud screeches, wails, bellows, and shouts for help coming from the old mansion. People have also spotted hanging people around the area where Amy's husband went suicide.” Fiace raised an eyebrow and replied,
“Yea right, so why is it after six until three?” Jake stood up straight because he knew exactly what he was talking about now.
“It’s because that was when the first body was found, until the last body, during the Wayward Mansion Massacre.”
“Can we bring any Pokemon?” Asked Angela hoping to her dear life she could.
“Yes, but only one per person, agreed?” Jake said, as the rest of them said together,
03-23-2008, 11:40 PM
Fiace was sitting on his bed staring down at the floor waiting for the seven o’clock bell to chime. His parents were down stairs in the living room expecting him to be doing chores, talking with friends, then off to bed. But what they didn’t know what that he was going out after sic o’clock to go to the Wayward mansion on Wall Street. It was about a quarter of a mile away, so it would take sometime, plus he had to be a quiet as possible, or people might hear him and he will get caught.
The bell struck once, signaling it was seven o’clock. Fiace’s head rose as he looked at the window. The bell sounded a few more times before Fiace got up. Fiace took a step and the bell chimed, Fiace took another step and the bell chimed. As the final strike of the bell, Fiace opened his window. A deep heavy fog covered the town so bad that he could only see the houses across the street from him, and the outline shape of the houses behind them. Fiace leaned over the window and looked at the ground. He took out a Pokeball and opened it as he whispered,
“Come on out, Blaziken. Catch me as I jump!” The Pokeball opened up as a stream of light shot out taking form of a tall bird-like Pokemon. Blaziken stood there and nodded as he opened up his arms. Fiace jumped down into Baziken’s hands as Blaziken gently let Fiace down.
“Alright, we have to be extremely quiet, or else we will be caught and we’ll get in huge trouble, got it?” Fiace asked as Blaziken nodded slowly. Fiace smiled and started walking down the brick road. Blaziken fallowed only a few steps behind as they turned the corner of the first street. Blaziken stopped in his tracks as it took Fiace a second to realize what was in front of them.
Fiace stared down the road as he saw a shadow-like figure of a woman hold a knife in her left hand. Fiace was dumbfounded, astonished, flabbergasted, scared to his dear life, and he was shaking all over. The shadow-like figure of the menacing woman started to walk toward them.
“Blazi- Blazi- Blazi-“ Fiace stuttered as he tried to give Blaziken a command. Blaziken had an idea of what to do as he grabbed Fiace and jumped into the air. Fiace looked at his Blaziken and said,
“Thanks, Blaziken, I would’ve been done for, if it weren’t for you.” Blaziken nodded as they landed a few blocks away from where they originally were. Fiace turned to see the woman holding a knife running at them again. In a state of panic Fiace shouted out at his Blaziken,
“Blaziken, hurry up and use Blast burn!” Blaziken took in a deep breath and let out an explosion of fire shooting out at the shadow-like woman. The giant fireball hit the shadow-like woman with great force. Fiace watched as the flames subsided, but there were no shadows, and no woman chasing after them. Fiace smiled as he was trying to get over the fright that the women caused him and started walking toward Wall Street.
03-26-2008, 01:12 AM
Fiace walked with Blaziken, until they saw Jake with his Infernape, standing and waiting for the others to arrive. Jake smiled and stood up straight at the sight of Fiace and his Blaziken as he said,
“So I see we both decided to take our fire Pokemon with us, eh?”
“Two geniuses think alike.” Fiace said as he shrugged and smiled at the same time.
“More like two numskulls!” Sarah insulted, as she came out of the heavy fog with a floating, moon shaped, rock Pokemon behind her. Jake crossed his arms as he replied,
“You brought your Lunitone? I was expecting your Umbreon to appear next to you.”
“And I was expecting your sister to appear next to you.” Fiace said sharply in a sarcastic tone.
“I’m right here!” Angela yelled as she appeared on the outline of her Dodrio. She was also grasping her little purple Espeon in her arms. Jake shook his finger as he lectured,
“No, no, no. You were only suppose to bring one Pokemon, remember?”
“Yes, but I got scared, and plus Sarah has her Umbreon with her as well!” Angela replied, escaping trouble.
“Shut up, Angela! Ugh, alright, they know now Umbreon, you can come out now.” Sarah sighed as her Umbreon came out of the darkness of the fog. It was a small black cat like creature with golden moon rings on its pelt. Jake pouted as he reasoned,
“Alright, alright. You can have two Pokemon because you’re girls, and little chickens who can’t handle being in the fog alone. Now come on,” Jake said as he opened up the gate to the Wayward Mansion, “let’s go and stop wasting time!” Angela and her Pokemon fallowed Jake and his Infernape, as Sarah and her Pokemon dashed into the property as they were a kid going to Pokeland. Sarah stopped and turned around as she asked,
“Are you coming, Fiace?”
“Yea,” Fiace answered as he continued, “I’ll be in, in a second.” Sarah shrugged as she ran off to catch up with her friends and Pokemon.
Blaziken looked out at the fog waiting as if something was coming at them. Fiace looked up at his tall, fiery red, clawed, rooster Pokemon as the Blaziken looked down at him. Fiace smiled and looked back out at the fog and saw a flying ghost Pokemon. It was hard to see it, but it was a vague skull like Pokemon with only one red eye. As Fiace got a better look he realized that it was a Duskull, floating about with scorches and burns all around its body. Fiace opened his eyes and remembered that he told Blaziken to use Blast Burn on the shadow figure of a woman holding a knife. Fiace thought that the shadow figure must have been an illusion created by the Duskull for fun, or to scare Fiace away, or to warn him.
The Duskull stopped as it saw Fiace and his Blaziken. It started to collect energy as it moved backward a bit, with a vengeful look upon the scary Pokemon's face and made a little black and purple ball. Soon the little black ball got bigger and bigger until it was as big as the Duskull itself. The Duskull shot out the Shadow Ball attack at Fiace, but it was intercepted by Blaziken crossing his arms. Blaziken was shoved back a little bit, but it looked like it did nothing. The tall fiery rooster Pokemon's wrists caught fire as Fiace nodded and knew what to do.
“Let’s do this Blaziken, go and use your Blaze Kick attack!” Blaziken ran up to the Duskull as its legs were dazzling with fire and threw and powerful kick at the small, levitating, skull, ghost Pokemon. Duskull reacted quickly and floated underneath Blaziken's fiery leg and shot out another purple and black Shadow Ball at Blaziken. It hit Blaziken directly as he jumped forward from the pain. Blaziken turned around in pain as Fiace yelled out,
“Use a Slash attack and hurry!” Blaziken spun around and with its razor sharp claws, clawed Duskull, but it faded threw the ghost Pokemon as the small transparent Pokemon smirked.
“Right, normal attacks don’t affect ghost types, so use Blaze Kick again!” Blaziken threw another flaming, scorching, inflamed kick at the Duskull and hit it on its side. The Duskull flew to the side of a house. The shock wave knocked the wind out of the small, vague, Pokemon. The small, translucent, ghost-like Pokemon reacted by shooting another small black and purple ball out at Fiace's Blaziken.
“Blaziken, dodge it!” Fiace demanded as Blaziken spun on its side, but it barley scratched his elbow as it blew up on Blaziken. Blaziken didn't looked hurt, but irritated at the fact that the Shadow Ball attack should've miss, and he's slacking off a little bit.
“Ha, can hit us now!” Fiace taunted as he rubbed it in Duskulls face. Duskull pouted as it sank and equivocated into the ground and appeared as a shadow. It dashed quickly toward Blaziken and shot up, out of the ground and hit the tall, fiery, incinerated rooster Pokemon dead on.
“Blaziken, let’s rap this up with another Blast Burn attack!” Blaziken sunk in, and then let out in an explosion of fire, ashes, and small fire balls that fell upon on the small ghost Pokemon as if it were rain. It hit the small, ambiguous, ghost Pokemon right up beneath it. Duskull was consumed, and as if eaten by the fire and fell to the ground, out of energy.
“Come, now let’s catch it!” Fiace said urgently as he took out a small Pokeball, enlarged it, and threw it at the Duskull. The Duskull was sucked up in a red light inside the red and white Pokeball. It started to shake and Fiace waited with his Blaziken.
04-08-2008, 01:40 AM
Hehe, doing a grade while a dog is barking her lungs off inside a small mobile home is not the best thing. ^^;
Plot: Fiace and his friends decide to check out an old myth that town has had for many years by going into an old abandoned mansion and seeing for themselves if a killer really lives up there. As Fiace and his Blaziken are on their way, they get attacked by a shadowy lady with a knife. After a Blast Burn, the apparition disappears and Fiace and his Pokemon continue. Before they go in, they see a Duskull who they find was the source of eh fright earlier. After a battle, they attempt to capture the Ghost Pokemon.
It was good for the Medium Pokemon. Granted haunted stories have been used a lot in stories, but you made it interesting that the real action happened before they got into the haunted house, now during. What would have made this better would have been if you delved deeper into this superstition. You said the whole town shut down because of this myth, what exactly scares the people so much that they go into a total lockdown for hours? Did they occasionally see hanging bodies in cliffs and houses or hear screams and cackles? Don’t be afraid to go deeper into your plot even if it is for a Medium Pokemon. Writing about the possibilities, the spooky explanations and whatnot can make the story truly brilliant. And if you end up writing more than what you planned, you could always squeeze another Pokemon in there, the awesome plot can help you secure the two monsters.
Introduction: As Fiace is relaxing near Ventora’s fountain, he is confronted by his friends who go over the myth of the town.
I loved how you opened it up. The town with the singing Swablu and the elegant fountain just seemed like the perfect place to live, it hardly seems as though a dark myth is plaguing the people in the town. However, after that paragraph or two, it just seemed to dull down. I don’t mean it was bad, it just seemed quite bland from how you opened it up.
One of the reasons was that your described you characters in clumps of information as in, just a piece of information after the other. If you do that, especially as you are introducing multiple characters, it tends to get boring and the reader will most likely forgot what the characters looked like (it happened to me, don’t know if it’s just me ^^;) because they just want to skip the boring parts and go straight into the story. I suggest that instead of just stating the information, make them flow into your story. Maybe as Fiace turned around to face his friends, you could mention his dark blue hair ruffling on his head. Maybe as Sarah scoffed at her sister’s wimpy behavior, you could mention the rolling of her amethyst eyes covered in dark eyeliner.
The introduction isn’t going anywhere and you don’t have to jump right into the story. Instead of giving all the information in a couple of quick sentences, you can describe your characters more slowly as you explain the story. Trust me, if you take your time in describing the characters, including their personalities, it will leave a much bigger impact on the reader and it will make your intro that much better instead of seeming rushed.
Grammar/Spelling: You have a good grasp of your grammar but this area was still shaky. First of all, you have good amount of typos in your story that could have easily been avoided if you read your story more carefully. Just make sure you proofread your story more, nobody wants typos in their story. ^^;
Some other things as well:
“Where’ve you been Fiace?”
Sometimes you did this in your story but sometimes you didn’t. Whenever one character addresses another be it a Pokemon, human, whatever, a comma should be placed before the name of the person who is being addressed. So here, a comma should be before “Fiace”.
“Correct.” Said Fiace as he crossed his arms and tapped his finger in a state of nervousness.
Whenever you end dialogue with something like “said”, “yelled”, “whispered”, etc. something that says that the person spoke it in some manner, it should not be capitalized and a comma should be placed if it can. In this case, a comma should replace the story after “correct”.
“Can we bring any Pokemon?” Asked Angela hoping to her deer life she could.
It should be “dear”, don’t know if it was a typo or if you didn’t know. ^^;
“Fiace, oh, Fiace!” Yelled the blond headed girl.
A hyphen should be in between “blond” and “headed” and "Yelled" should be "yelled".
Another thing is that Pokemon names are the like the word “sheep”, the singular form is also the plural form.
Length: Could have been longer but no problems here. =d
Description/Detail: Besides the opening and the characters, there wasn’t really as much as I would have liked. For example, I did not get an idea what the property they were sneaking into looked like, Fiace’s room, or the Pokemon and their attacks.
Even though we’re in a Pokemon forum where practically everybody has a solid idea what each Pokemon looks like, you need to describe them in your stories. Tell us about Grotle’s brown shell that seemed to be its own mini forest and the glowing yellow rings on Umbreon’s midnight-black pelt. Describe the Pokemon just as you do the human characters because they are just in important (it is Pokemon fan fiction, right? ;p).
I would have also liked seeing the surroundings better, just how you pictured Ventora in the beginning of the story. Everything from the streets Fiace and Blaziken were chased in to the property they were sneaking into. We need a good solid picture about everything in your story, even something as insignificant as Fiace’s bedroom. Too much detail is always better than too little detail so don’t be afraid of picturing everything in your mind.
Also, you a character’s name like “Blaziken” and “Fiace” in your story and it gets a bit repetitive. Spicing it up with adjectives like “the tall fiery rooster” or the “dark-haired youth” will sound better than using names and “he/she/it”. Try it, using vivid combinations is fun. ;D
Battle: To be truthful, it seemed short and dull. The reason why it seemed short even though a good number of things was happening was because there was hardly any description besides the basic. Imagine this is a battle right from the anime with vivid colors and where you can see each attack in their full glory. Describe how the attack missed: did the graze his furry belly, did it barely nick his arm? Tell us how Duskull flew to the buildings, his grey cloak billowing, and smashed into the building that knocked the breath out of him and made him an easy target. Go as wild as you can, paint us a picture of each attack and dodge, it will make your battles “pop!” to life.
Outcome: This was close, it really was. The story was good with a good plot and pretty great entrance, despite some grammar issues, but the lack of description and let down of the battle hurt you. For now, I have to say, Duskull not captured! Just add more description to your story from the Pokemon to the surroundings and make the battle lengthy and much more exciting. I know you can do it, you write really well, PM for a re-grade when you’re ready. =D
04-08-2008, 02:05 AM
I loved how you opened it up. The town with the singing Swablu and the elegant fountain just seemed like the perfect place to live, it hardly seems as though a dark myth is plaguing the people in the town.
That was exactly what I was going for, lol. I will fix up the spots that need fixing, ;D.
04-08-2008, 03:40 AM
Though I could see you adding more description to your story, I can tell you fixed the mistakes I pointed out and the battle is better than the first time and I also like the adjectives you used for the Pokemon. Since I like leaning towards the author's side, Duskull captured!
Remember, everytime you change scenes, describe the new scenes to the best of your ability, it's very important to the story. Describe ALL Pokemon and characters add the same vigor you did to the your introduction to the rest of your story. I'm sure if you do this, the chances of you needing a re-grade will be lower. Please keep these tips in mind for your next story and enjoy the little Ghost type. =)
04-08-2008, 03:46 AM
Thanks a lot Kat, my next story will be full of description, :3.
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